MiSTied: Duncan and Ranthulfr's Sage [pt 1]
Dan Thompson
posted it, and it looks to me like it never made it out. Anyway, if you've
seen it before, I apologize. If you see this, please drop me a line saying so.
Thanks!
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[ <SOL> Mike, wearing rubber gloves, is scrubbing the table with a sponge.
Also on the table are several bottles of Windex, 409, etc. Crow is using an
old, noisy vacuum cleaner, and Tom Servo comes in with one of his arms replaced
by a feather duster. ]
MIKE: [ shouting over the noise of the vacuum cleaner ] OH, HI EVERYBODY!
CROW! TURN THAT OFF FOR A SECOND!
[ The noise stops. ]
MIKE: Hi, there! We're just doing a little spring cleaning here on the
Satellite of Love. I'm Mike Nelson, and this is Crow and Tom Servo.
TOM: Hey, Mike, you were right about using my hoverskirt to dust with. This
really works!
MIKE: Good, glad to hear it.
CROW: Yeah, but this vacuum cleaner bites! It hardly works at all, Mike.
MIKE: I know, I know, but we just don't have the parts left to fix it. What
it really needs is a compression cylinder, but--
[ the Mad's light starts flashing ]
CROW: Uh, Mike--
MIKE: [ not seeing the light ] Yeah, I know we could use the one from Tom's
hoverskirt for a while, but then I'd have to rig up something for the
anti-grav unit so he could move around--
CROW: Mike--
MIKE: Sure, Gypsy could do it, but then we'd have to go without life support
for a while unless I--
CROW: MIKE! THE MADS ARE CALLING!
MIKE: [ notices the light and shrugs ] Oh. Why didn't you say so?
[ hits the button ]
[ <Deep 13> Dr. Forrester and Frank have set up two PCs, connected with a cable
covered in sticky green slime. ]
DR. F: Hello, Stinky. Why don't you do your invention exchange first? Ours
would simply be too much to follow.
MIKE: Well, my invention is for people who like to sing in the shower, and
also incorporates a hot trend from the night club scene. It's Shower
Karaoke!
[ Pan right to reveal Tom Servo standing in a shower. A board tactfully hides
all of him but his dome. Hanging from the shower head is a brightly colored
plastic box with large buttons on it. ]
MIKE: The SK-9000 is waterproof, so you can enjoy its stereo sound in safety,
even in the shower. Take it, Servo!
TOM: [ singing in an obnoxious, wailing tone ] Memorieeeees, all alone in
the mooooonlight . . .
[ A hair dryer appears from off-screen and flies into the tub. The lights dim,
an electric-shock sound is heard, and Tom flies out of the tub, screaming. ]
MIKE: Crow! What'd you do that for?
CROW: Sorry, Mike. I just couldn't take very much of that.
[ <Deep 13> Frank and Dr. Forrester are standing at the PCs. Frank checks the
slimy cable connecting them. ]
FRANK: Ready to go, your Cyber-Scariness.
DR. F: Our invention this week is a new communication protocol for computers.
It contributes to misinformation and confusion by changing messages
in special, predefined ways. We call it "File Transfer/Evil"--FTE, for
short. To demonstrate, I'm going to send Frank a short story by O.
Henry. [ taps a few buttons ] Did you get it, Frank?
FRANK: [ presses buttons ] Hey, I did get something. [ tap, tap ] Oh,
no--it's a Startrek fanfic by John_-_Winston!
DR. F: What do you think of that, Newton? Anyway, your experiment this week
is the beginning of a long, ugly relationship. Get to know Duncan and
Ranthulfr well, Catboy; I've tapped in to an unlimited supply. Send
them Part I, Frank.
[ <SOL> Mike is holding Tom Servo--blackened and smoking--in his arms, trying
to do work on him with a screwdriver. ]
MIKE: OK, I just need to--
[ lights, etc. ]
MIKE: Oh, no--we've got story sign!
6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .
> Drew Martin
>
> Duncan and Ranthulfr's
ALL: Gesundheit!
> Saga
>
> Prologue
MIKE: Well of course we're pro-Log. All kids love Log!
ALL: [ singing ] It's Lo-og, it's Lo-og, it's big, it's heavy, it's wood!
> Duncan Magusson, is the son of Magus Magusson the VII, the seventh
> mage-lord of the Barony of Magus.
CROW: And a member of the Hair Club for Men.
MIKE: And the inventor of the yo-yo.
> Duncan is the second born of a famous
> line,
TOM: Well how famous could it be, if he's only the second one?
> his father is a direct descendent of Magus Thorsteinson, the
> father of Magus Magusson the I.
CROW: He was the father of a capital I?
MIKE: [ singing ] We all live in a capital I . . .
> His mother is also a wizard, from the
> family of Olaf Erikson, who are also of a long line of wizards. Duncan
> has an older brother, a younger brother and a younger sister.
TOM: Whose names are too silly to include, even in this.
> Duncan, as were his siblings, was expected to follow the path of the
> mage. Duncan learned his studies, if with less ethusiasm, as quickly as
> his older brother had.
[ A crawl appears at the bottom of the screen. It reads, "News: Comedy
Central Bites! If Tonya Harding . . . ." Mike stands up. ]
MIKE: Oh, no. The mads are sending that stupid crawl in again. Hand me
that hammer, would you, Crow?
[ Crow hands a giant-sized hammer-shaped shadow to Mike, who smashes the
crawl with it. The letters turn out to be made of styrofoam. ]
MIKE: That's better. [ sits down ]
> Who by the time Duncan was apprenticing, had
> started on a successful career as a wizard, one day to take his father's
> place as Magus.
CROW: I give up. Who?
> Duncan often spent more time with his father's guards, listening to
> their tales of adventures from their youth. His father, Magus, was not
> pleased. A wizard, let alone a noble's son, should not socialize with
> swordsmen. It is fine to use them to protect yourself on advenuters or
> as guards to delay any attackers until you could deal with them person-
> ally.
MIKE: [ in a squeaky voice ] But, Daddy, they say the proletariate swordsmen
will someday rise up against the bourgiosie wizards and. . . .
> Duncan did not argue with his father, he just was less open
> about his dealing with the soldiers.
TOM: He began hiding things from his father, and soon started using drugs.
He became another sad example of the reckless young wizards of the
time. Eventually, he died in a crack house.
> Magus Magusson decided that the time had come for his son to call up
> a familiar, this he decided would help the boy concentrate on magic.
MIKE: I tap, tap to play the Ironclaw Orcs.
CROW: I tap to cast Blue Elemental Blast.
MIKE: Damn!
TOM: Will you two stop it with that game!
> He and Duncan discussed all of the "proper" familiars,
CROW: Like tapeworms, maggots . . .
MIKE: . . . birds, snakes and airplanes . . .
TOM: . . . any of the Gabor sisters . . .
> and how to intice
> them with the spell.
> Duncan was not impressed by his father's selection and thought that
> just about any animal ought to be usable as a familiar.
CROW: So, he conjured his sister.
> All the dogs in
> a great distance were terrified of magic though, as his brothers found
> great sport in tormenting the creatures with their cantrips.
MIKE: Hey! I'm calling PETA on this story!
> Duncan had
> never been impressed by crows.
CROW: Oh, yeah? Well I'm not too impressed with Duncan, either!
> Toads and owls were out, who wants a
> familiar that sleeps all winter or all day? There was no way he would
> take a cat, there was just something about them that bothered him.
> About this time a wolf began raiding farms in the barony. It evaded
> all of the farmers' attempts of capture. After much pleading the Magus
> agreed to send some of his experienced troops, led by his eldest son,
TOM: . . . to be fed to the beast.
> after the beast. They too failed. Duncan decided that any creature
> this brave and intelligent would make an excellent companion.
> The spell worked, Duncan and Ranthulfr
ALL: Gesundheit!
> became bonded. Magus Magusson
> was less than pleased,
CROW: Don't I please you? Don't you find me pleasing?
> as wolves are not suitable familiars for one of
> decendents of the Magus. He "forgave" his son and started to research
> a spell he had heard of to remove the bond that Duncan had formed with
> his spell.
CROW: [ little-old-lady voice ] I heard if you put a little hairspray on
that, it'll come right out.
TOM: [ also in little-old-lady voice ] No, that's for a wine stain. You
need to put some baking soda on it, then soak it overnight in tomato
juice.
> Duncan came to his father and laid his pouch of
MIKE: Satisfying Lancaster chewing tobacco--the smooth one!
> dragonhide trimed
> with gold on his father's desk, such a pouch was given to every son or
> daughter when they had completed their apprenticeship.
> "I am no longer a mage, nor your son." he said and left.
ALL: D'oh!
MIKE: [ in a fatherly voice ] Was it the hairspray, boy? We can still get
that out; just give me a little time. . . .
> His father sat dumbly saying nothing, never suspecting any of his
> children would give up the priviledge of being a mage.
TOM: Hey, I'd do *anything* to get out of this story.
> Duncan stayed in a nearby village finishing his education of the ways
> of the warrior, the sword, and the bow. When he had finished he offered
> his apology to his teacher, for his father had fired him as captain
> after Duncan had quit.
MIKE: Sorry about wrecking your life and all, but thanks for the help!
> "Think nothing of it lad." he said, "It was getting pretty dull about
> here anyway, everyone's more scared of the Magus than they are of my
> steel. It's too easy life's nothing with a little challenge."
ALL: Huh? What?
> He grins broadly and sends Duncan and Ranthulfr
ALL: Gesundheit!
> off, praying that the
> boy would always find that a sword was enough to settle his problems,
> 'cause he won't be able to study magic again.
MIKE: Yep, that ole boy was headed for a heap o' trouble!
> ========================================================================
>
> Chapter I
>
> While wandering through Kansat Forest,
TOM: [ singing ] . . . one day, in the very merry month of--
MIKE: Stop that. Stop it right now.
> Duncan and Ranthulfr
ALL: Gesundheit!
> are set
> upon by bigards. Their band numbers only eight.
TOM: *Only*? Jeez, that's two lead guitars, two basses, three drummers and
a lead singer! I'd call that big!
MIKE: They're huge! Rock-n-Roll! It's Manfred Manning's Colossal
Destruction Band! Whoo!
> Duncan thinks to Ranthulfr,
ALL: Gesundheit!
MIKE: OK, you guys, we have to quit saying "Gesundheit" every time we see
that name.
CROW & TOM: Awww. . . .
> "What do you think, can we take them?"
TOM: Well, I can take them or leave them. Either way.
> "If it weren't for the other ten with bows in the woods, I'd say
> take 'em. That Armor spell you stuck on me only will take up the damage
> of two or three arrows..."
> Duncan, concentrates on his familiar's senses, he hears the creak of
> bows, smells the sweat of men...
CROW: Eww, disgusting! Don't you people ever BATHE?
> "Hey you! Do you always go to sleep on yer feet when ya get robbed?"
TOM: [ snores ] Oh--sorry, long night last night. I'll try and stay awake.
> Ranthulfr begins to growl, his hackles rise. A couple of men take
> a step back.
MIKE: Two others step forward. They do the Hokey-Pokey and shake it all
about.
> "What? Now you growl at them?" Duncan asks sarcasticly.
> "Follow my lead." Duncan thinks to Ranthulfr.
> "Drop your weapons and surrender, or else." he says haughtily.
> "eh?", the chief bandit asks. "We have *you* and yer dog surrounded,
> YOU surrender."
TOM: Oh, right, sorry about that. Guess I'm still asleep.
> Duncan shakes his head, with a bemused smile on his face. "Surely
> you don't think they'd send us after you, if we couldn't stop you?"
> Duncan assumes if there are bandits there must be some THEY that might
> hire someone to remove the bandits.
> "What do you mean?" More bandits start watching the woods, than
> watch Duncan.
> "I'm the great Sorcerer-Warrior Meglik,
TOM: Ooh, is the great *Meglik* going to fight us?
> and this," pointing to
> Ranthulfr, " is the demon known to humans as Randal the Reaver.
MIKE: You know, I always thought Tony Randall was taller than that.
> He is
> immune to your steel. I prove it, try to priece his hide
CROW: Oh, I'd say it's worth at least twenty bucks--more, if you can get
it off in one piece.
> with your
> sword, I'll order him to take the blow without ripping out your soul."
TOM: He can have the soul, just don't take my rhythm!
> The leader grins,"Ya think you can scare us with a story like THAT?
> That bard we got last week told us that the twig he had in his hand
> would burn us inta piles of soot!"
MIKE: Of course, he turned out to be right, but . . .
> With that the leader walks up to Ranthulfr
CROW: Gesund--oh, sorry.
> and swings his broadsword
> at Ranthulfr's
CROW: Oh, come on, Mike! He keeps writing it over and over. He's taunting
us with it!
MIKE: Maybe later. Just try and relax.
> shaggy head.. The sword bounces off, as if it had struck
> stone.
MIKE: Ha, ha! I always knew Ranthulfr was hard-headed, but this! [ pauses ]
That's my dad.
> Duncan and Ranthulfr grin, both wolfish, showing lots of teeth.
> The bandits begin to back towards the woods, looks of terror on
> their faces as they scan the woods and watch the "demon".
> "The demon doesn't really need another scarifice for a couple of
> days, so if you just give me all of your stolen loot I'll keep him at
> bay."
> After they collect the monies, and a horse to carry it on.
MIKE: . . . they stop to rest a while, and completely forget to finish the
sentence.
> Duncan
> warns the remaining brigards to be gone in a day or two, for the demon
> will be fed whatever criminal they can find.
CROW: Oh, how about Tonya Harding or Pat Robertson?
TOM: Leona Helmsly, Gary Coleman, Paul Rubens?
MIKE: Zsa Zsa Gabor, Sean Connery?
TOM: Sean Connery is a criminal?
MIKE: Didn't you see _Highlander_II_?
> "Next time, we use your head for the local's taget practice!"
> Ranthulfr tells Duncan.
> "Hey, I can't wear chainmail and use an Armor spell at the same time!
> Besides, turned out great, eh?"
> "Grrmph" Which is wolfish, like a growl and a hrumph combined,
TOM: And means roughly the same thing as the English word, "Grrmph."
> "they
> didn't have anything decent to eat!"
> They walk towards the next town and a warm meal...
> "Duncan, are you sure you need that horse to carry the money?"
ALL: [ silly horn sounds ] Wah waah waah waaaaaah.
> - - -
> Epilogue:
MIKE: New from Remington! It shaves bark and twigs *below* the surface of
the wood, for Log's closest shave ever!
CROW: [ in a little-girl voice ] Oh, Log! You're so smooth!
ALL: [ singing ] It's better than bad, it's good!
TOM: The "Log" bit, ladies and gentlemen.
> Kensat
TOM: This is KenSat I in Earth orbit. Come in, Wolf Raiders.
> was mysteriously clear of bandits for a few months, and the
> group of adventures who went to investigate reports of demons riping
> men to shreds, never found one gold piece... I mean one soul to rescue.
>
> ========================================================================
TOM: We gotta go, guys.
1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . .
[ <SOL> Mike is thumbing through a robot repair manual when Tom and Crow walk
in with two small robot dogs. ]
MIKE: Hey, guys, what've you got there?
TOM: Well, this experiment got us thinking about all the classic "boy and
his dog" stories.
MIKE: You mean like that movie, "A Boy and His Dog?"
CROW: Yeah, or "My Life As a Dog."
TOM: Crow, I keep telling you, there was NO DOG in "My Life As a Dog."
CROW: Oh yeah? Well who played the dog, then?
TOM: Mike, tell him.
MIKE: There was no dog, Crow. Anyway, you decided to make robot dogs for
yourselves, huh?
CROW: Yeah! Mine's named Barugon!
TOM: And mine's named Peanut! Say hi, Peanut!
PEANUT: [ very mechanically, with some buzzing and clicking sounds ]
Arf. [ long pause ] Arf.
MIKE: That's great, but you know that having a pet is a big responsibility.
I mean, who's gonna take care of it when you're in the theater?
TOM: Well, we thought Gypsy could--CROW! Barugon just sprayed dielectric
fluid all over my hoverskirt! Gross!
[ Both dogs start growling mechanically and moving back and forth. ]
CROW: Oh, oh. Keep a grip on your leash, Servo, I think Peanut's getting
angry.
TOM: How? I've got no arms!
[ The dogs begin "fighting" (really just running into each other over and over
again. The bridge lights, sirens, etc. start going off. ]
MIKE: Oh, no, we've got story sign!
6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .
* to be continued *
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DISCLAIMER:
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all related characters and images
are the property of Best Brains, Inc. This was an unauthorized MiSTing, and was
meant in the spirit of fun. No personal offense was intended to the author, the
creators of the characters, or the reader. Complaints regarding this posting
should be addressed to one of your friends who complains that they don't get
enough mail. This disclaimer was stolen from Harlan Feilicher, author of the
great MiSTing of "Mother+Daughters."
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> "Hey you! Do you always go to sleep on yer feet when ya get robbed?"
--
"Big Dan" Thompson | "What, you think soup's a biped?"
da...@austin.ibm.com | -- Crow T. Robot
ZZYZX
>> his father is a direct descendent of Magus Thorsteinson, the
>> father of Magus Magusson the I.
>
>CROW: He was the father of a capital I?
>
>MIKE: [ singing ] We all live in a capital I . . .
Great reference here. One of my all time fav. Sesame St. songs. Now
if someone can help me find the n song about the spaceship...
-David "ZZYZX" Steinberg (dste...@emmy.nmsu.edu)
**********************************************************************
*"ZZYZX grew strong *"I can't believe I'm a junior and a *
* From his struggles to endure * film major, when all I really *
* In the shadow of Las Cruces." * wanted in this life was to marry a *
* Phish (kind of) * lobsterman and cook fish." *
* TELA WAS NOT A SPY! * -a letter from Christie Searing *
**********************************************************************