Invention Exchange.?.?.?
Tazer One
The sub-"plot" with TV's Frank had be laughing one moment and crying
the next. (really, it did *blink, blink*)
I missed the Invention Exchange though.
I WANT MY INVENTION EXCHANGE.
Oh, well. Now I've got that out of my system.
Tazer One
--
------- | Tazer One
/| | Old Dominion University
| | Norfolk, Virginia
| | Internet: war...@cs.odu.edu
--- | Do as you will, hurt no one.
Dave Van Domelen
Here, have mine.
Note: this is just an invention exchange idea, not a full MSTing of an article.
[SOL, Crow and Tom are looking longingly at an odd device that looks like one
of those candy machines operated by the Lion's Club, where you put in a coin
and turn the crank to get a small handful of candy. It has three compartments,
one with Crow's name on it, one with Tom's and one with Mike's. Mike's
compartment is empty, but the other two are filled with RAMchips. The device
is covered in various wires and vaguely scientific stuff and sits atop a vat of
acid.]
Crow: Mmmm...RAMchips.
Tom: Yeah...too bad about the electric zapper security thing on it, though.
[Crow holds up charred and melted left arm]
Crow: Yeah. Suppose we can use this to guilt-trip Mike into giving us the
yummy RAMchips?
Tom: I dunno...he's not as easy a mark as the other guy...shh! Here he comes!
[Mike walks in humming to himself and carrying a bag of cashews]
Crow <nonchalantly>: So, Mike, lovely RAMchip day we're having RAMchip.
Tom: Indeed, RAMchip! And what's RAMchip this here? Could it RAMchip be your
invention for the week?
Mike <pouring cashews into the empty bin and sealing it>: Yep. Oh, look.
John and Laurena are calling. [hits light]
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: So, Hans Kartoffelkopf...I see you have an invention exchange ready.
Fork it over.
[SOL]
Mike: <shoving Crow and Tom back from the machine> I built this machine as
part of an attempt to help me and the boys become better people, and stop
making grammar and spelling flames. I mean, they're anal retentive,
boring and at times just embarrassing, like when you flame correct
grammar. Besides, it's kinda like shooting whales in a thimble with
some of these posts we get here. We have to move beyond that sort of
thing into more imaginative attacks.
Crow: Does this involve getting RAMchips?
Tom: Yeah!
Mike: In a way. You see, I finally realized you two are at the level of
ethical development where you need to be trained by getting treats for
good behavior and punishment for bad. I've been punishing some, but I
realized I hadn't been rewarding you enough for the positive reinforcement
effect to take hold.
Tom: So you've decided to make up for that by giving us all the RAMchips you've
been withholding all at once? Whattaguy!
[Crow bounces around like a five year old after eating a pound of sugar]
Mike: Um, not exactly. What I built here is the Grammar Flamer Sorter Dumper.
You start off with a stack of treats...RAMchips in your case, cashew nuts
for me, since grapes mess up the works. Everytime you....
Crow: Er, Mike, that's "every time," two words, not one.
[Crow's compartment shakes for a moment and a RAMchip falls out of the slot
into the acid bath.]
Crow: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Mike: As I was saying, every time you make a grammar flame, you lose a number
of treats. By the end of the experiment, whatever's left in the bin
is yours to keep.
Tom: Um, I suppose there's a feature for really obnoxious and anal grammar
flames?
Mike: Indeedy-do there is! For simple grammar or spelling flames, you lose
one treat. For flaming correct grammar or spelling, you lose two. And if
you manage to make a totally unrelated usage error in your flame in such a
case of correct usage, you lose half of the treats you have left.
Crow: Ow, harsh.
Tom: But justified, I suppose. That explains the "Dumper" part, but what about
the "Sorter" bit? Or did you just toss that in because you watched too
much Mr. Rogers as a kid?
Mike: Well, a bit of both. You see, there are flames, and then there are
FLAMES. The more annoying or boring your flame is, or the more you flaunt
excessive knowledge of the minutae of the English Language, the juicier
the treat you lose. For example, making one too many suggestions that the
writer buy a spellchecker might lose Tom a really small, bland RAMchip
that he might not have wanted anyway. But pointing out a writer's misuse
of the Subjunctive by saying, "I wish he would learn to use the
Subjunctive," which is itself Subjunctive, would lose you one of the
bigger, juicier ones. And if you also pointed out that the Subjunctive is
a mood, not a tense, you might lose the RAMchip of your dreams.
Crow: Yeah, good language skills are important, but shoving them in peoples'
noses ain't cool.
Tom <opens his mouth as if to say "isn't" but catches himself> Oh, no you
don't, Crow. You're not trapping me like that.
Mike: Well, sirs, what do you think?
[Deep 13]
Frank: I think you use too many run-on sentences.
[from off-camera, the same sound effect as the GFSD is heard. Frank looks over
his shoulder.]
Frank: NOOO! Not the episode of Baywatch I taped last night! [Frank runs off
screen sobbing]
Dr.F: Somehow, I don't think you'll ever curb those little misanthropic tin
cans' tendency to be arrogant flamers. Since Frank's pawing about in
the nitric acid bath for his tape, I'll have to send up your experiment,
a little piece of sappiness from alt.comics.lnh. Bon appetite!
[SOL]
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!! We have fanfic sign!
<>...6...5...4...3...2...1....
<End of post, I'm not going to MST something of wReam's, despite many
temptations>
Dave Van Domelen, raised by an English teacher....
Tazer One
>In article <2hslud$q...@xanth.cs.odu.edu>,
>Tazer One <war...@azalea.cs.odu.edu> wrote:
>>I WANT MY INVENTION EXCHANGE.
>
> Here, have mine.
>
>Note: this is just an invention exchange idea, not a full MSTing of an article.
>
> Dave Van Domelen, raised by an English teacher....
That was great, I feel much better now. Thank you.
Tazer One
--
------- | Tazer One
/| | Old Dominion University
| | Norfolk, Virginia
| | Internet: war...@cs.odu.edu
--- | Invention exchanges are my life (sorta)
pamu...@ingr.com
> deleted for brevity's sake]
That was great, Dave. I never could stand those people who correct
grammar and spelling. My brother does this, and I deliberately make
mistakes to annoy him.
>[Deep 13]
>
>Frank: I think you use too many run-on sentences.
>
>[from off-camera, the same sound effect as the GFSD is heard. Frank looks over
>his shoulder.]
>
>Frank: NOOO! Not the episode of Baywatch I taped last night! [Frank runs off
> screen sobbing]
HO HO HA HA HEE HEE HEE
--
Phil Mueller pamu...@ingr.com
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