MSTed: various shorts (1/3)
Petrea E. Mitchell
...o...2...3...4...5...6...*
[SoL bridge. Gypsy is the only one visible.]
GYPSY: Uh... hi! Welcome to the Satellite of... Love. The guys aren't
here because they're holding a model railroading convention in
the commissary right now.
[Nothing happens.]
GYPSY: [clears throat] Um, and now I would like to say a few words about
Richard Basehart--
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in five... four... three... two... one...
commercial sign now.
GYPSY: --right after this.
[loud crash offscreen]
GYPSY: Uh-oh.
[Get the cheese you need in half the bandwidth! Watch the Mystery USENET
Theater Hour, showing now at an FTP site near you!]
GYPSY: [dramatic clearing of throat] Richard Basehart was born in--
[Mads light flashes] --oh, great. [turns to the right and yells]
Mike!
MIKE: [off-screen] Yeah?
GYPSY: Phone!
MIKE: Who is it?
GYPSY: It's Officer Feldman and his Bit-O-Feldman Bar!
MIKE: I'm coming, I'm coming. [walks in from the right] What is it,
sirs?
<>
[Deep 13. Dr. Forrester, in closeup, is the only one visible.]
DR. F: Hello, Chessie! How's the railroading going, mmm?
<>
MIKE: Not so good, really. We just had a cornfield meet in the hallway.
<>
DR. F: [exuding no pity whatsoever] Oh, too bad! Well. I'm off to catch
a plane to... oh, the location is a secret, but I'll just say
we're going to have an Evil Brotherhood meeting, and we're going
to be doing some very, very nasty things. [subdued evil laugh] In
the meantime, Frank will be your torturer for today... take it,
Frank!
[Dr. F steps off-camera, and TV's Frank can be seen some distance back,
holding a sheaf of papers. He walks up to the camera.]
FRANK: [reading papers] "Today's experiment is a broad-spectrum course
of pain cum... cumu..." [examines paper more closely] "cu-mu-la-
ting in a one-two punch that will break your puny minds forever.
Evil laugh."
[Dr. F, wearing that silly fur coat, hurries across the background to
the door.]
DR. F: See you, Frank! Don't forget to tape _Tales From the Crypt_!
[Dr. F leaves. Yes, through the door. Frank waves absentmindedly without
turning towards him.]
FRANK: "Send them the postings."
[Frank turns his attention to the console and does just that.]
<>
[Servo and Crow have joined Mike and Gypsy on the SoL bridge.]
SERVO: Geez, look where you're going next time, okay?
CROW: Oh, was *I* the one carrying a module with the extended skyboard
still on so I couldn't have seen the broad side of a barn?
MIKE: Guys, come on--
[Lights flash, sirens scream, it's a regular discotheque!]
MIKE: Oh no, we've got broad spectrum of pain sign!
*...6...5...4...3...2...o...
>
> Date: Fri, 16 Sep 94 20:01:28 EDT
> From:Ham...@aol.com
ALL: [singing] Hey! It's the AOL kingdom, for you and for me...
> Subject: The Squeek of the Wheel
CROW: Not to be confused with Squeek the cat.
>
> The Squeek of The Wheel
>
> Squeek...squeek...
SERVO: Lemme guess. Is that the "squeek" of the wheel?
MIKE: Now cut that out!
> I awoke in the middle of the night bathed in a cold sweat.
CROW: I had been having that dream with Newt Gingrich, the waffle iron,
and the llama again.
> The sound
> incessant, unyielding, maddening. Squeek...squeek.
SERVO: The spelling stupid, constant, annoying.
> After hours of tossing and
> turning,
MIKE: The pizza crust was finally ready.
> I rose. I had to find the source!
CROW: ...of the Nile!
SERVO: I'm guessing the source of the squeek is a wheel?
> I had to know what was causing the foul
> disturbance! Bleary
> eyed and groggy,
CROW: Been drinking again, have we?
MIKE: Either that or Deathmatching all night.
> I stumbled through the dark to find the derivation of this
> torturous,
> blasphemous sonance...
SERVO: Ooohh, big words.
MIKE: But how do you do calculus on sounds?
> squeek...squeek...It grew louder and louder, scratching
> at my mind...squeek...squeek...gnawing at my soul...
CROW: So he's either really scared, or he has a body lice problem.
> squeek...squeek...At last
> I found it and my
> brain screamed,
MIKE: "Are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
SERVO: I think so, but how are we going to get a 20-megavolt pulse
through the AOL gateway?
> denying what my eyes showed it. Too horrible!
CROW: It was... this story!
> The
> diminuative, sinister frame,
SERVO: Linda Hunt?
> and the glowing eyes set it yellow fur.
MIKE: And the distracting misspellings.
> Endlessly it ran, faster and faster
> in the small wheel.
CROW: [high-pitched voice] You bastard! Get me off this thing!!
> Squeek...squeek. Though repelled and horrified, I drew closer.
MIKE: This is a writer with no sense.
CROW: Oh, there's a shocker.
> The evil
> creature seemed to
> ignore me and yet I felt his oppressive presence - my mind melting,
> slipping
> away...
SERVO: Out my nose...
> squeek...
> squeek. I suddenly understood! I was standing before the dread King in
> Squalor!
CROW: We'll return to Non Sequiturs and Lines that are Too Long The-
ater...
MIKE: Well, this is from AOL y'know. Who knows what kind of newsreader
program this guy has to suffer through?
SERVO: However bad it is, he deserves worse!
> Squeek...
> squeek...Yes! Of course! Squeek...squeek...The Squeek of The Wheel
> became
> music to my ears!
MIKE: Mariah Carey, to be exact.
> The Yellow Stain seeped into the woodchips of my mind.
CROW: So, basically, this is a hamster wetting on the sawdust that's in
your head where the brain should be?
> Squeek...squeek...And
> I knew then what
> I must do! His will, my own...Ia, Ia, Hamstur!
SERVO: You a, you a, looney.
>
> - "The Conversion of S.B." from the Gerbilnomicon
>
CROW: "The Book of the Dead Gerbil"?
SERVO: Maybe that gerbil wrote this story.
>
> Deep in a dark, festering hell known as
MIKE: California.
> the Trails of Habi,
SERVO: [singing] Wheel in the Trails of Habi keeps on turnin'...
MIKE: [singing] Habi trails to you...
CROW: Let me guess, 'He lies sleeping in old HabitR'lyeh'.
> The King in
> Squalor runs in
> his Wheel. The insane squeaking known as The Squeek of The Wheel is
> maddening
> to all
CROW: Tell me about it.
> but the members of the Kult of Hamstur.
MIKE: Also known as the drooling Hamstur fanboys.
CROW: Meep.
> Know to many of his followers only as
> He Whose
> Cage Must Not Be Cleaned,
SERVO: Maybe this whole thing is just some kid's excuse to get out of a
chore.
MIKE: <whiney kid's voice> But Ma, I can't clean out his cage! I'm wor-
shipping him!
> Hamstur The Unsqueekable is
CROW: The only surviving descendant of Benjy Mouse and Frankie Mouse.
> the greatest of the
> Outer Mammals
> described in the Gerbilnomicon, a tome as ancient and evil as is it
> furry.
MIKE: And available from the Over-Priced Book Club for only $19.95! Call
1-800-555-1212 today!
> Most who read
> it are driven insane.
SERVO: Most who read *this* are driven insane.
> Others - those to whom the Squeek of The Wheel is a
> symphony of
> unparalleled and insane beauty -
MIKE: And now on Classics 98.3, Hamstur's "Ninth Symphony for Hamster
and Wheel".
> understand and obey.
CROW: By my count that's 3 "insane"s in this paragraph alone. Someone
get this guy a thesaurus.
> These are the members
> of the Kult
> of Hamstur.
SERVO: They are Lee van Cleef and Timothy van Patton.
> And we know where they live...
MIKE: Waco, Texas.
CROW: And we have nuclear warheads poised and aimed at their houses.
>
> Welcome to the Kult of Hamstur mailing list -
ALL: Aaauuuuggh!!
MIKE: We never signed up for this. Did you sign up for this?
'BOTS: No!
> dedicated to keeping you up to
> date on anything
> and everything having to do with the King in Squalor and his minions.
SERVO: Great, so we get to find out about this guy's hamster?
> This is
> the first of any
> number of isane ramblings
CROW: What's "isane" mean?
MIKE: Both insane and inane at once.
SERVO: At least he admits it.
> that I have been told to send by the Spawn of
> Hamstur who has
> chosen me to do His bidding.
MIKE: His first order involves kool-aid...
>
> Coming soon: How to obtain your very own true Spawn of Hamstur, how to
> join
> and a listing
> of Kult of Hamstur products.
CROW: Hey, this whole thing is just an advertisment!
SERVO: I feel dirty... well, dirtier.
>
> Please respond if you would like to continue receiving messages from
> He Whose
> Cage Must
> Not Be Cleaned
MIKE: Oh, and send me lots of money, too.
> (you've already taken the first step by signing up in the Dead
> Earth Productions
> mailing list of doom)
CROW: Doom is property of id Software, all rights reserved.
> or not (if you've rather remain ignorant of the True
> Nature of the Universe).
SERVO: Make that, the True Nature of the Universe According to Some Loon
on AOL.
MIKE: You know, I'm starting to believe AOLers' reputation.
> Also, if you know others who might be suitable servants of Hamstur,
SERVO: Or if you just want to ruin someone's day--
> pass this
> message on
> and/or forward their e-mail addresses to me.
CROW: If you're stupid enough to fall for this, simply e-mail me your
credit card number right now.
>
> Ia! Ia! Hamstur!
SERVO: Aah! Aah! Getitawayfromme!
CROW: Oh, shut up. Both of you.
>
> Michael Doyle
> Dead Earth Productions
SERVO: Ooh, I get it, he's not a *Flat*-Earther, he's a *Dead*-Earther!
Heh heh! [low, miserable] Kill me. Put me out of my misery,
please!
MIKE: Don't worry, it's almost over.
>
>
MIKE: You know, if HP Lovecraft were alive today, he'd be rolling over
in his grave.
CROW: Yeah! ...huh?
>
>
> In article <38okgk$9...@senator-bedfellow.MIT.EDU>,
MIKE: [jumps in surprise] Yaaah! Geez, give us some warning.
> rne...@media.mit.edu
> (Ron Newman) wrote:
CROW: But he's one of the good guys! Why are the Mads sending us this?
> ---- Begin quote from C&S ----------
CROW: Oh.
>
> "As we mentioned earlier,
SERVO: We have multiple personalities.
> some starry eyed individuals
CROW: Like Kal'enel.
MIKE: Or someone who's just been hit on the back of the head.
> who access the
> Net think of Cyberspace as a community, with rules, regulations and
SERVO: Llamas.
> codes of behaviour. Don't you believe it!
CROW: *We* certainly didn't get our asses kicked off the net for break-
ing rules, regulations, or codes of behaviour.
> There is no community.
MIKE: There is no sanctuary.
> Perhaps there was some truth in that concept in the past, when the
> Internet was used exclusively by a small, homogeneous group of
SERVO: Dairy products.
> academics and corporate technical researchers. Today, with Internet
> access available to everyone, Iway
MIKE: Should that be "Amway"?
> travellers reflect every
> heterogeneous nuance of the world population.
SERVO: So how come we haven't seen soc.culture.yanomano yet?
MIKE: I am not a nuance, I am a free man!
> Along your journey,
> someone may try to tell you that in order to be a good Net "citizen",
> you must follow the rules of the Cyberspace community. Don't listen.
CROW: Find out the hard way.
> The only laws and rules with which you should concern yourself are
> those passed by the country, state and city in which you live.
SERVO: Yeah, obey the law, dammit.
MIKE: Um, try driving 55 in the fast lane in L.A. and see where it gets
you.
> The
> only ethics you should adopt as you pursue wealth on the Iway
CROW: And after all, why else would anyone *want* to be on-line?
> are
> those dictated by the religious faith you have chosen to follow and
> your own good conscience."
SERVO: So suppose I've seen your famous spool-clobbering spam, and my
religion tells me, "an eye for an eye"?
>
> ---- End quote from C&S --------
> From cmcl2!swiss.ans.net!europa.eng.gtefsd.com!MathWorks.Com!yeshua.
> marcam.com!charnel.
MIKE: Oh, *there's* a good omen.
> ecst.csuchico.edu!olivea!trib.apple.com!amd!amdahl!netcomsv!netcom.
> com!ashford Thu Sep 15 20:33:01 1994
> Newsgroups: alt.current-events.net-abuse,news.admin.misc,news.admin.
> policy
> Path: cmcl2!swiss.ans.net!europa.eng.gtefsd.com!MathWorks.Com!yeshua.
> marcam.com!
CROW: Not again!
> charnel.ecst.csuchico.edu!olivea!trib.apple.com!amd!amdahl!netcomsv!
> netcom.com!ashford
SERVO: It's the header that wouldn't die!
CROW: Or the brainer that wouldn't die.
MIKE: Looks like a no-brainer to me.
> From: ash...@netcom.com (Alan Arthur)
> Subject: Canter & Siegel
> Message-ID: <ashfordC...@netcom.com>
> Organization: NETCOM On-line Communication Services (408 261-4700
> guest)
CROW: Your friendly neighborhood spammer refuge!
MIKE: Hey, come on. They just fixed the Sender: lines.
> X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL1]
> Date: Thu, 15 Sep 1994 01:14:41 GMT
> Lines: 72
> Xref: cmcl2 alt.current-events.net-abuse:5518 news.admin.misc:22043
> news.admin.policy:19792
>
> Path: netcom.com!netcomsv!decwrl!ames!pendragon!bcm!cs.utexas.edu!
> howland.reston.ans.net!EU.net!news.eunet.fi!anon.penet.fi
CROW: Huh?
SERVO: An extra bonus header. I think this one's gonna hurt.
> Newsgroups: alt.politics.clinton,talk.politics.misc,alt.conspiracy,
> alt.current-events.net-abuse.c-n-s,alt.privacy,alt.censorship
CROW: [groaning] Oh, great. Politics.
SERVO: Hey, Mike, who'd you vote for in the last election?
MIKE: Um, the Mads filled out an absentee ballot for Erwin Rexall. That
name mean anything to you?
> From: an5...@anon.penet.fi
SERVO: It's good to know this guy stands behind his beliefs.
> X-Anonymously-To: alt.politics.clinton,talk.politics.misc,alt.
> conspiracy,alt.current-events.net-abuse.c-n-s,alt.privacy,alt.
> censorship
MIKE: You know, if you cross-post to enough newgroups, any moronic ran-
ting takes on an air of believability.
> Organization: Anonymous contact service
SERVO: That sounds like something that's illegal in thirty-nine states.
> Reply-To: an5...@anon.penet.fi
> Date: Wed, 14 Sep 1994 00:56:12 UTC
> Subject: CANTER & SIEGEL AND THE CLINTONS:
CROW: A wacky new comedy, this fall on NBC!
> Attempt to regulate the Net
> Lines: 54
>
>
> Earlier this year,
SERVO: ...Gallagher was still unfunny.
> two Arkansas lawyers named Laurence Canter and Martha
> Siegel
MIKE: Wait a minute, they weren't from...
> posted an advertisement for immigration services to all the
> newsgroups on Usenet individually.
CROW: "Canter! Siegel! Green Card!" Ha, that oughtta do it.
> In total, this took up several
> megabytes on news spools and cluttered newsgroups which have nothing
> in common with immigration services.
'BOTS: <singing> Spam spam spam spam spam spam...
MIKE: But... Arkansas... they're not from...
> Despite the outcry (incoming mail sank the computer which Canter and
> Siegel used),
MIKE: [British accent] You must sink the cyber.sell.com!
SERVO: Arr, matey! Thar be too much mail! Abandon computer! Abandon com-
puter!
> Canter and Siegel proclaimed the mailing to be a great success
> and promised to repeat it.
MIKE: Thus spawning the newsgroup alt.canter-siegel.die.die.die.
> Currently they have set up a business, sell.com,
> which for $500 will post an advertisement, separately, to every
> newsgroup on
> Usenet.
CROW: Guys, we're dealing with real evil here.
>
> Now you may think
SERVO: Oh, *may* we?
> that the obvious solution is
CROW: Waffles for everyone!
> more regulation of the Net,
MIKE: Is your Net irregular? Then try E-Lax, the gentle electronic lax-
ative.
> and the establishment of a net government with the power to cancel
> inappropriate posts. However, this is just what they want you to
> think.
CROW: Don't you feel stupid now?
> The Canter and Siegel affair was orchestrated
MIKE: By PDQ Bach.
> to marshall public support
> for regulation of the Internet and Internet media on the Net, just as
> "documentaries" on television which assert that the Net is a haven for
> child molesters are designed to muster support for regulation of the
> Net.
SERVO: No, the Net is a haven for net.loons and nude Cindy Crawford
GIFs.
> Canter and Siegel are close friends of the Clintons (Hillary Clinton
> worked with Canter and Siegel in Arkansas)
MIKE: But they're not from...
CROW: Do you *really* think Hilary Clinton would be stupid enough to get
involved with two loser lawyers like Canter and Siegel?
> and by posting advertising
> in a deliberately obnoxious way to the Net, they were doing their
> friends
> a favour.
SERVO: You know those Clinton Democrats-- they're all for censorship.
> The Internet, with its anarchic, bottom-up structure,
CROW: As exemplified by the bottom-up nature of the posts which appear
on it.
> is the greatest
> threat to the supremacy of the powers that be today;
MIKE: Well, that, and peanut butter.
> traditionally,
> whoever controls the means of mass communication controls concensus
> reality and public opinion.
CROW: Ted Turner... your will is my command...
[All begin doing the Tomahawk Chop.]
> The Net threatens this as it makes no
> provision for the powers that be
SERVO: With John Forsythe!
> to regulate the content and thus
> to control the concensus reality of the public. That is why the
> Time Warners and Ted Turners
MIKE: There's more than one Ted Turner??
ALL: Aaaiiiiggh!!!!
> and the rest of the media elite want to
> neutralise the net and to assert control over the means of mass
> communications once again. The Clintons, who are members of the same
> elite foreign-policy circles as the media barons,
CROW: When I think of Bill Clinton, the word 'elite' doesn't spring to
mind.
SERVO: 'French fries' does, though.
MIKE: I was a member of an elite foreign-policy circle once, but they
threw me out because I didn't buy six more records in the first
year.
> have naturally made it
> their agenda to establish a central control mechanism over the
> anarchy
> of the Net.
CROW: Oh, naturally. The President of the United States has nothing bet-
ter to do than set up a huge conspiracy to harass a bunch of com-
puter geeks.
> Once there is a central authority with the power to cancel messages
> and
> regulate content, there is no telling where it will stop. Messages
> expressing "un-American" or politically incorrect opinions may be
> arbitrarily cancelled.
SERVO: Hey, I never liked Bill Maher anyway.
MIKE: Quiet, dear, you don't want the network execs to hear you say
that.
> Opponents of Clipper
SERVO: <singing> They call him Clipper!
> and proponents of
> drug legalisation or disarmament may be proscribed or blacklisted.
> When a Republican administration comes to power,
MIKE: Too late. Have you heard Clinton's policies lately?
> messages inconsistent
> with "family values" (read: Northite right-wing Christian orthodoxy)
> may be deleted.
CROW: read: I am a paraniod loony.
>
> MAKE 30 COPIES OF THIS MESSAGE. DISTRIBUTE WIDELY.
MIKE: Suddenly, it's "MAKE.MONEY.FAST"!
CROW: UN-authorized REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION... ah, forget it.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> ---
> To find out more about the anon service, send mail to help@anon.
> penet.fi.
SERVO: anon.penet.fi, the Sandy Frank of net.kooks.
> Due to the double-blind,
CROW: Mike, what's a double-blind?
MIKE: It's like a double-blind experiment in science, except in this
case the person writing the article wears a blindfold.
SERVO: Too bad they didn't give blindfolds to the people who had to
read it.
> any mail replies to this message will be anonymized,
> and an anonymous id will be allocated automatically. You have been
> warned.
> Please report any problems, inappropriate use etc. to admin@anon.
> penet.fi.
MIKE: Come to think of it, has anyone ever seen anon.penet.fi being used
appropriately?
>
>
> --
>
> Ash...@netcom.com
[All laugh weakly.]
SERVO: Hokay, so he's either too wet behind the ears to know how to edit
a post, or he's too clueless to realize that his name will appear
in a repost.
>
>
>
...o...2...3...4...5...6...*
[Nobody's home. The Mads light starts flashing. Gypsy strolls in, takes
notice of this, and head-butts the button.]
<>
FRANK: [doing a very bad Dr. F impression] Enjoying the fanfic, Lost
Boys? Still think you're... going to... uh, where is everybody?
<>
GYPSY: They're playing with their toy trains.
<>
FRANK: Oh, yeah. Okay... uh... [searches through papers] ...um. So,
how's it going? All work and no play... oh, wait, I'm doing that
too. Uh-- boys left you out of their fun again? Just like me, you
know, the big guy never lets me help with the fun stuff...
<>
GYPSY: Gosh.
<>
FRANK: <ahem> Um, so, uh, Dimbulb-- hey, he calls me that too... er...
<>
GYPSY: [sympatheticly] Oh.
<>
FRANK: Well... <bashful shrug>
<>
[Gypsy open her mouth to say something, then apparently changes her
mind.]
<>
FRANK: Heh...
[He gives another little shrug, then puts the papers aside.]
<>
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in thirty seconds. All this coyness is mak-
ing me sick.
<>
[Frank is facing to the side, apparently finishing combing his hair
while staring into a mirror that we, the hapless viewers, cannot see. He
turns back to face the camera.]
FRANK: [in a voice that shows he considers himself the epitome of stud-
liness] So, howsabout it? Your place or mine?
<>
GYPSY: Oh, I have to stay in and clean house.
MAGIC VOICE: Why don't you two e-mail each other or something?
GYPSY: Yeah, we could crash a USENET group and flirt in public!
<>
FRANK: Oh, I know the *perfect* place. Do you like llamas?
<>
MAGIC VOICE: Oh boy. Commercial sign now.
[No, this isn't a Fruitopia commercial. Nor is it a Burger King commer-
cial. It isn't even a transmission from Bureau 13. This is a message
from Vinnie. You will obey... obey...]