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MiSTed - The Vanished (XF/Twin Peaks) 8/8

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Bill Livingston

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Mar 13, 1996, 3:00:00 AM3/13/96
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> "No one can reach the Great Northern....the river..."

SERVO: With Mel Gibson and Sissy Spacek!

>the man wiped an arm across his brow, "I ain't never seen anything
>like it. The river itself is on fire!"

MIKE: He's never been to New York, I take it
SERVO: Or Cleveland

> Scully sank to the ground at Mulder's feet, limp, as the
>scope of the day sank into her mind.

CROW: Scully has been unhinged by mouthwash

> Mulder fell silent as well,

ALL: YA-A-AY!!!!

>giving a small nod of thanks to the paramedic, who moved on to his
>next patient. They sat in silence, absorbing the sounds of sirens

SERVO: [singing] The sounds of sirens

>and airplanes zooming overhead. Scully wordlessly handed Mulder
>her cup.

CROW: Hey, that can't be right!

> "Thanks," he murmured.
> "Hey," Scully said, touching Mulder's shoe,

SERVO: Oh yesyesyes, just touch my shoe, right there...
MIKE: Y'know, you're spending way too much time in the "alt" heirarchy

> fighting the
>tears welling in her eyes, "They'll be okay."
> Mulder shut his eyes and bowed his head, shoulders
>slumping.

MIKE: Now I lay me down to sleep...

> Scully felt tears etching tracks along her grime-smeared
>face, and swiped at it roughly.
> The ground shook with another tremor,

CROW: The Giant Worms are back!
MIKE: With Fred Ward, Reba McEntire, -
CROW: And the great taste of Bacon(tm)!

> but this time it was
>from the direction of the road. Cries were raised and Scully
>glanced in that direction. "I don't believe it," she gasped, climbing
>to her feet.

SERVO: [Scully] Dallas paid Deion *how* much?!?

> Mulder looked up and his mouth fell open at the sight.

MIKE: "Open" is its natural state
CROW: All it needs is his foot in it

> The sheriff's four-by-four careened down the road and into
>the parking lot, tires on fire, and paint smoking.

CROW: Boy the freeways are gettin' rougher every day!

> Deputy Andy was
>at the wheel, his hair singed and his eyes bulging with adrenaline.

SERVO: [Wakko] Potty Emergency!

> They brought the disintegrating vehicle to a halt next to the
>ambulance, Deputy Hawk jumping from the passengers side, pulling
>Sheriff Truman out gingerly from inside.

MIKE: [Truman] OW! Let me get the seat belt open first, ya big load!

> "Sheriff Truman!" Scully moved to him and began checking
>his injuries. "Medic! We need a medic here, now! Easy,"

CROW: [sarcastic] Geez, we're gettin' there, Colonel Potter!

> Scully
>helped Hawk move Truman to a seat as a paramedic group

SERVO: [announcer] Paramedics IN CONCERT - featuring Dr.John, Dr.
Hook, The Spin Doctors and the Four Nurses of the Apocalypse,
performing "Doctor Doctor", "Bad Medicine", and "Sexual Healing"

> rushed
>and took over.
> "What the hell happened?" Mulder asked, noting with his
>eyes

CROW: And other appendages

> the missing people from this group. Hawk threw aside his
>jacket and stomped out the embers that clung to it before replying.

MIKE: [Hawk] Damn, this was a $170 jacket, too, real leather, not
that fake stuff you get at Montgomery Wards', every time I get a
good jacket like this, it always - huh? D'you say something?

> "We stayed and helped evacuate the Great Northern; many
>have fled over the ridge while we got others loaded into choppers."

SERVO: Giant flying dentures save the day!

>Hawk paused to cough, wiping smoke from his eyes. "We saw
>what was happening and rushed to make it back here."
> "Where's Annie?" Truman demanded between hacking
>coughs.

SERVO: [Scully] You should see a doctor about - oh, wait, I *am*
a doctor!
CROW: I don't think she's really a doctor
MIKE: Why not?
CROW: Well, all you ever see her do is autopsies. I mean, she even
told Mulder to stop CPR after 30 seconds because it was too late!
SERVO: She does have a degree, you know
CROW: I wouldn't let her look down my throat - that is, if I had a throat
to look down
SERVO: Good thing she has that Saturn deal to fall back on
MIKE: Okay, I call no more Saturn refs

> "She's fine," Scully soothed, "she's helping the
>townspeople get ready for evacuation.

ALL: EWWW!!

> I'll let her know you're
>safe."
> Andy stood to one side, crying silently.

SERVO: Oh, boo-hoo! We've all got problems, pal!

> The unsaid question
>hung in the air, thicker than the cloud of smoke hovering over their
>heads.

MIKE: Who is Keyser Soze?
CROW: To be or not to be?
SERVO: Ginger or Mary Ann?
[together, ---> MIKE: Mary Ann!
immediate] ---> CROW: Ginger!

> Annie burst onto the scene, her face a frozen mask of terror.
>"Harry! Oh my God," she buried herself in his arms, weeping for
>joy. After a moment, she settled on his lap and looked around;

CROW: [Truman] Hey, easy, easy, I'm injured here!

>a dark expression settled upon her delicate features. "Harry..." she
>asked quietly, "not Dale..."

SERVO: [British] No, Harry not Dale, Harry patient, Dale missing, you
wife, me doctor

> All eyes were on Sheriff Truman as he coughed again and
>jerked his head once, affirmative. "Coop...didn't make it."

CROW: He said he did, but it had "Product of Hong Kong" stamped on
the bottom

> Scully felt light-headed and swayed for an instant, opening
>her eyes to find herself supported by a tight-lipped Mulder.

SERVO: Well, for Mulder, this is the best part of the story yet!

>He wasn't looking at her but was staring, out at the forest, the
>flames licking the treetops, ever closer.

MIKE: Figures. He's finally got her in an embrace, and he literally
can't see the forest for the trees!

> "We found this," Truman pulled out Cooper's tape recorder
>from his pocket, handing it to Scully. Dana cranked up the volume
>and rewound the tape.

SERVO: Check it out, "Greatest Hits of Kansas"!

> Taking a deep breath, she pressed play.

ALL: [singing] CARRY ON MY WAYWARD SO-O-O-O-ON...

> "Diane, I've made a mistake of astounding proportions.
>Special Agent Chester Desmond

CROW: The Questor Tapes?
MIKE & SERVO: STOP THAT!!
CROW: Geez, fine!!

> has just accosted myself and Harry
>and is now climbing the path down the Twin Peaks falls. I have no
>idea what he plans on doing, but I know that I must follow."

MIKE: [Cooper] Because if I don't, that pretty much blows this whole
story

>Everyone strained to hear Cooper's words, faint behind the sound
>of the water in the background. "This terrible situation has been
>orchestrated from the beginning by

SERVO: Guy Lomardo and his Royal Canadians!

> Bob..." Cooper's voice became
>steeled with resolve, "Diane, it's time to put a stop to it." The tape
>ended with a squeal.

CROW: Ah, gotta love that Kansas!

> Andy continued to cry.

SERVO: Oh, you gonna cry now, baby? Huh?
MIKE: Andy's extremely extremely extremely extremely sensitive

> "They went together, over the falls." Truman said
>tonelessly. No one could have..."
> "Medics! Medics!" The shouts were coming from the
>direction of the river;

SERVO: Must have been a _Nurse_ Shark
MIKE & CROW: D'OH!!

> the huddled group held their breaths. A
>medic came running to Truman. "Sheriff! A body, down by the
>river!"

MIKE: [British] RC or C of E?
CROW: [ditto] How should I know?
MIKE: It's tattooed on the back of the neck!

> Truman stood, clutching Annie's hand tightly in his. "Who
>is it?"

SERVO: It's Annie, your wife

> "Why, I believe it's Agent Cooper, sir!"
> Scully felt galvanized,

CROW: She felt like a bucket?

> dropping her blanket and sprinting
>across the runway towards the water in the distance. Mulder was
>shouting close behind her, "Bring the ambulance!"

MIKE: [Mulder] No, don't *bring* it "bring it", just drive it over fast!

>
> Scully saw him first, floating face up on the water, his eyes
>closed peacefully, his skin an icy blue.

CROW: If he's wrapped in plastic, I'll scream!

> Medics raced past her shoulder and pulled him out of the
>water, applying emergency resuscitation. Scully reached for his
>wrist and held her breath; but it was there, faint, pulsing.

MIKE: Her breath pulsed faintly as she held his wrist
SERVO: The wrist: nature's secret erogenous zone

> "Scully!" Mulder called, kneeling at her side and grasping
>her arm.

CROW: Well, if a wrist makes her pant, then the whole arm should...
MIKE: We get the picture, Crow
CROW: I never get to finish my sentences!
MIKE: Well, the FBI might be monitoring these posts
CROW: How?!? They're all meeting here in Northwest Washington
state for the annual "Psycho Law Enforcement Officers' Convention"!

> "He's alive, Mulder." The medics began loading him onto a
>stretcher, inserting an IV and wrapping his body in blankets. Scully
>grabbed an orderly's arm.

CROW: Scully, contain yourself!

> "How is he?"
> "We've got to evac him right now;

ALL: EWWWW!!!!!

> his body core
>temperature hhas dropped dangerously low.

SERVO: The term "brass monkey" mean anything to you?

> We have multiple
>fractures here, extreme hypothermia, let's go people!"

MIKE: They're in worse shape than Cooper!

> He brushed
>Scully aside, leaping into the back of the ambulance, beckoning the
>others to lift the stretcher inside.

SERVO: [Medic] C'mon, push! Push!
CROW: [ditto] Boy this guy's been spending a little too much time in
the cafeteria!

> "COOPER! COOPER!"

SERVO: Pizza! Pizza!

> Gordon Cole raced, breathless, to
>Cooper's side, putting a hand on the stretcher to stop the medics.
>"COOPER MY LAD! ARE YOU OK?"

SERVO "'Cooper my lad'? What, is he a refugee from Dickens?

> Scully stared, fixed upon Cooper's face, when to her
>amazement his eyes opened. She reached for his hand, speechless,

MIKE: Don't!
CROW: Ah, that's old already. Next!

>and saw his lips moving. She leaned in close, feeling the chill rising
>from his pale skin. "Cooper, what is it?"
> "Aa- aaa-" he murmured, struggling to form the sounds.

SERVO: Oh, well that cleared everything right up. Thanks, Cooper!

> "DALE, YOU'RE GONNA PULL THROUGH THIS, NO
>QUESTION ABOUT IT. YOU JUST HANG ON! WE'VE GOT
>ALL THE EVACUATION PLANES HERE AND READY TO
>TAKE EVERYONE OUT OF THIS INFERNO."

CROW: [Gordon] OF COURSE, NO ONE BETTER TRY TO GET ON
THOSE PLANES AHEAD OF ME! IF YOU THINK I'M STAYING
HERE, YOU'RE ALL CRAZIER THAN YOU LOOK!

> "Dale," Mulder said, leaning in next to Scully. "What is
>it?"
> "Ah, ah..." Cooper's brows nit, a look of sorrow twisting
>his features,

MIKE: [Cooper] "Showgirls"! "Flintstones"! Why can't I ever get
decent roles?

> "Albert" he sighed finally. Scully closed her eyes, grief
>washing through her, grateful for the powerful arms that soon
>encircled her. She wept silently in Mulder's arms.

CROW: She's shown more emotion in two pages than she has in the last
three seasons combined!

> "Look people, we have to move!"

MIKE: The house is sold, and the van'll be here in a few minutes!

> The medics shoved
>everyone away from Cooper's stretcher and loaded him in, the
>sirens shrieking as it headed for the first of the evacuation planes.
>The group stood together, dumbfounded for a moment,

SERVO: Then just dumb
CROW: And dumber
SERVO: Want to hear the most annoying sound in the world?
MIKE: Please, I beg of you, no!

> when
>Truman spoke up.

CROW: Well, who's for lunch?

> "I've got to see to the evacuation. I'll see you all later," he
>cradled Annie in his arms protectively, wearily heading back
>towards the tarmac. Cole stopped him with a gesture.

MIKE: Same to you, buddy!

> "SON, THIS IS A TERRIBLE TRAGEDY. I'D STAY
>HERE AND WAX PHILOSOPHICAL ABOUT IT,

SERVO: Oh, that's okay, dad, don't bother!

> BUT I CAN
>FEEL THAT FIRE NIPPING AT MY NOSE- WE GOTTA GET
>OUT OF HERE. BUT LET ME ASSURE YOU THAT THE
>UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT IS GOING TO DO
>EVERYTHING THEY CAN

MIKE: Oh. that's always reassuring!

> TO GET THIS TOWN BACK ON
>IT'S FEET ASAP."

CROW: [Cole] WE'LL JUST USE SOME TLC PDQ, AND ENGAGE THE SERVICES
OF THE FBI & THE TVA

> "Thank you Gordon," Truman replied, giving the man a
>small smile, then turning again towards his townsfolk.

CROW: He's from the government! RUN!!!

> Deputy
>Hawk moved to Mulder and Scully's side, his eyes following their
>gaze; towards the blaze in the forest beyond.

MIKE: [Hawk] Wish I had some marshmallows. We could make
Smores like you wouldn't believe

> "My people," he began, his voice hushed and solemn,
>"...they say that fire is the ultimate cleanser- the ultimate purity. It
>will sweep this forest clean."

CROW: And leave it lemony fresh!

> "Fire is also a sign of renewal," Mulder murmured, "a sign
>of- rebirth."

SERVO: A sign that you left the pot roast in the oven too long

> Hawk nodded gravely, his eyes respectful of the
>implied hope- and implied fear.
> "Yes, Agent Mulder; there is life in fire; but there is also
>complete destruction."

CROW: Have a nice day

>Hawk took the crying Andy by the shoulders and steered him away
>to join Truman with the crowds.

MIKE: [Hawk] Come on, ya' little...

> Scully sniffled defiantly, running her hands through her hair.
>She closed her eyes and felt her body give way to the shakes.

CROW: Is this Bob again?
SERVO: Couldn't be!
CROW: Please, no!
MIKE: I think we're too close to the end for the gratuitous re-appearance
of the villain, guys!
CROW: Oh I hope so!
SERVO: If this is like, just Chapter One, I won't be held responsible for
my actions!

>Mulder gently put a hand upon her shoulder and she opened her
>eyes and looked up into his.
> "It's coming closer," she remarked, nodding to the angry
>red blaze that they could now hear crackling and snapping

MIKE: I heard Pop was supposed to be here too, but he held out
for a percentage deal, so they went on without him

>as it burned.
> "Yes," Mulder replied, gingerly steering Scully towards the
>nearest evac plane. "It's coming."

SERVO: [announcer] To the Civic Arena, September 17th!

> "YOU KNOW WHAT, AGENT SCULLY? THERE WAS
>THE MOST REMARKABLE VIEW FROM THE SKY WHEN
>WE MADE OUR APPROACH.

CROW: [Cole] ALL THE PEOPLE ON THE GROUND LOOKED JUST
LIKE BURNING ANTS!

> I COULD'VE SWORN THAT
>THE FIRE WAS SHAPED LIKE A BIRD!" Cole flapped his arms
>for emphasis. "WEIRD, ISN'T IT?"

SERVO: Weird! Yeah, that's the word for it - *weird*!

>
>[Memorial Hospital- Seattle, Washington. Four days later.]
> Scully sneezed at the bouquet of flowers she held in her
>arms, prompting Mulder to smile.

CROW: Allergies are fun!

> "What's with women and flowers, anyways?"
> "What's with men and monster trucks?" she retorted
>amiably.

MIKE: What's with gender stereotyping?

> Scully entered a bright and airy hospital room, where
>Dale Cooper lay strapped to his bed, an arm and a leg suspended in
>plaster.

CROW: Yeah, but he might wiggle loose anyway, so be careful!

> "How are you today, Cooper?"
> "Always better after you visit, Dana." His brows knit into a
>puzzled expression, "We seem to have more conversations in
>hospitals then we do elsewhere."

SERVO: Just call him clumsy
CROW: Just call it a sign!

> Scully smiled warmly and placed
>the flowers where Cooper could see them.

MIKE: [Cooper] They're nice, but you're blocking the TV, and I was
watching "House of Style"

> "You're just terribly accident-prone," she teased, seeing the
>desired result of her words as his frown melted away. Various get-
>well cards lined the mantle,

SERVO: Forming what we call "the Hallmark layer" between the mantle and
the crust!

> Scully noting Andy's, Constance's, and
>Annie's names, among others. She folded her arms and regarded
>Cooper; he was looking a bit better. A little color back in his
>cheeks and the old light in his eyes.

SERVO: [Scully] It's so great to see him looking so cheerful and
fanatical again!

> He leaned back on his pillows.
>"What's the news?" he prompted.

CROW: It's the stuff they talk about on CNN

> "Well, the fire is still burning in parts of Ghostwood- but
>plans for rebuilding Twin Peaks are already being made."

SERVO: It's going to be a theme park - "WeirdWorld"

> "Good old Gordon, true to his word."
> "Amazing," Mulder murmured, sitting down near Cooper's
>left leg and inspecting the now eye-level leg cast of his right leg.

MIKE: [Mulder] Your knees bend the wrong way
CROW: somE timeS mY armS benD bacK
SERVO: How'd you do that?
CROW: I'm full of secrets!

>"He even writes loud."
> Scully laughed at the huge scrawl that proclaimed,
>"GORDON COLE WAS HERE," emblazoned upon Cooper's cast
>in bold ink strokes.

MIKE: [dully] Ha ha. Stop. Oh please.

> "Any word on Albert?" Cooper asked as casually as he
>could after they settled into silence.

SERVO: Well, there's "Able", "bet", "tear", "Reba", "tab" -
CROW: Not "in" Albert, "*ON*" Albert

> "No," Scully replied, her eyes sad, "nothing."
> "Cooper, Scully and I have to head back to Washington- but
>we won't give up the search."

MIKE: [Mulder] We'll check every alien landing site, secret government
outpost, and sunflower seed store in the country if we have to!

> Cooper nodded gratefully, his eyes crinkling at some past
>memory, "Albert's path was always a strange and difficult one."

CROW: Oh, I think we figured that out, too, pal!

> Scully patted Cooper's shoulder in understanding, then
>stood to go. Mulder touched her shoulder and

SERVO: She let fly with a karate chop to the neck!

> they smiled at
>Cooper. "If there's anything..." Mulder began.

MIKE: That depends on whether you believe in the subjectivity of
existence or not

> "ALBERT AHOY!"

MIKE: He's in the Navy, too!
CROW: Savoir Faire ees Everywhere!

> Gordon Cole swept into the hospital
>room, a fax dangling from his hand as he shouted excitedly.

CROW: [Cole] I GOT TANGLED IN THIS DARN KONICA. GIVE ME A
HAND HERE, HUH?

>"AGENTS, ALBERT HAS BEEN SPOTTED!"

CROW: [still Cole] HE'S GOT THAT PESKY HEMMORAGHIC FEVER
AGAIN!

> "Where is he?" Scully asked eagerly, joy and relief filling
>her heart.
> "DANA, THAT'S WHERE IT GETS TRICKY. HE'S
>BEEN SPOTTED; NOT FOUND."

SERVO: Oh, well that makes a dif - HUH?!?

> "Gordon," Cooper strained in his confining straps,

CROW: HE'S GONNA BLOW!! RUN FOR IT!!!

>his familiar patience evaporating. "WHERE IS ALBERT?!"
> Gordon scanned their eager faces and

MIKE: Put them on his home page, "http://www.fbi.gov/~GCOLE"

> referred to the
>printout in his hand. "WELL...THERE WAS A REPORT FROM
>TIBET..."
> "Tibet?" Mulder exclaimed, incredulous.

SERVO: He's meeting with Dalai Lama
MIKE: And dating Dalai Parton
CROW: And eating some Dalai Madison Snack Food(tm)
SERVO: Touch the Lama!

> "ALBERT'S ALSO BEEN SPOTTED IN ROME, AT THE
>VATICAN. AND AGAIN, IN SALT LAKE CITY. JUST A FEW
>MINUTES AGO HE WAS SEEN IN THE LOBBY OF TEMPLE
>SHIAO-SOMETHING IN JAPAN..."

MIKE: Albert's taking no chances

> "I don't believe it!" Scully exclaimed, turning to Mulder.
>"How can that be?"

CROW: It's "Twin Peaks"! It's "X-Files"! *Anything* can be!!

> "I dunno, Scully," Mulder was shocked, but a smile also
>was appearing across his face. "Maybe he wants to accumulate
>some frequent flier miles."

ALL: D'OH!!!

> "Albert," Cooper exclaimed, a grin spreading across his
>features, "got to love the man."

SERVO: That Albert is one bad mother-
MIKE & CROW: Shut your mouth!
SERVO: Just talkin' 'bout Albert!
MIKE & CROW: We can dig it!

> "But where is he?!" Scully demanded, knowing that she
>probably wouldn't like the answer.

CROW: I won't, either, if it's a long one!

> "As soon as I'm out of this," Cooper gestured to his broken
>body, "I'll let ya know."

SERVO: He'll answer as soon as he's out of his body?
CROW: No, just his head

>
>the end.

SERVO: Coming Soon: "X-Peaks 3: The Search for Albert!"
MIKE: C'mon, let's scram!
[All Leave]

[o...2...3...4...5...6]

[Mike and the bots are standing at the table]
MIKE: Well, we gotta feel good guys!
CROW: Yeah, we made it through another meeting between the freaky
peakers and the FBI's strangest special agents.
SERVO: I dunno guys - it's just not the same!
MIKE: Huh?
MIKE: I mean, weird just isn't special any more.
CROW: Come *on*, Tommy Boy, this story had everything but Ratboy
SERVO: Look, when "Twin Peaks" started, it was creepy, it was bizarre,
it was jittery. It may have been a little disorganized -
CROW: A *little*?!?
SERVO: Okay, it was confusing as heck. My point is, it was unique.
Then "X-Files" came along - a little more plot-driven, but still edgey,
weird [Johnny Carson voice] just a little bit skewed.
MIKE: Yes, and?
SERVO: It was *different*! Now you need a scorecard to keep tabs on all
the weird, mystical dramas on TV! There's "Picket Fences", "American
Gothic", "Nowhere Man", "Strange Luck", "Forever Knight", "Highlander" -
let's just face it, guys: bizarre is now normal.
CROW: So, you're saying that if a woman walked up to you and started
talking to a log, you'd just stand there, all jaded.
SERVO: Well, maybe not *all* jaded, but -
MIKE: Or if you met some guy who could kill you with his shadow, you'd
just laugh it off and go along your merry way, yes?
SERVO: No, now -
CROW: Or if a giant in bow tie put the whole world into slo-mo just so he
could give you a message, like some freakazoid Western Union, you'd -
SERVO: OKAY OKAY! All I'm saying is that TV is a lot weirder now than
it used to be.
MIKE: Uh-huh. You mean back when it had the talking horse, and the talking
car -
CROW: And the beautiful blonde witch, and the beautiful blonde genie -
MIKE: And the hillbillies living in LA, and the socialite living in
Hooterville -
CROW: And Ricky and Lucy and Wally and the Beav and Princess -
MIKE: And Kirk & Spock and the Robinsons & Dr Smith and Moonbase
Alpha and -
SERVO: Fine! Reduce my analagies to dust if you will, but you can't deny
one thing: nothing on TV can match the weirdness - the horror - the
evil - of "America's Funniest Home Videos"!!
CROW: Ah, he's got us there, Mike.
MIKE: Nope, can't fight that. Say, Tom, before you get too "Mondo Cain"-ish
on us, why don't you give the readers the old curriculum vitae.
SERVO: Sure, fine, whatever. [announcer] To sign up on the MiSTing Authors
Dibs List, send an e-mail message to "mne...@engin.umich.edu" with
"DIBS-SUB" in the subject line and text in the message indicating you
wish to join the Dibs List. Be sure to read the Guidelines for MiSTing,
described in the FAQ. [lights flash]
CROW: Well, we all did learn one very important thing.
MIKE: What's that?
CROW: If a pop star just shows up unexpectedly, run like hell!
SERVO: Oh my, yes!
CROW: Oh, uh, Dr. Strangepost is calling
MIKE: Yeah. Hey Forrester, how's old Dennis working out?

[D13 - Dr. F is still sitting at his desk, now covered in loose paper
and envelopes]
DR.F: Well, sad to say it didn't work out - I mean he had the right
credentials - he was certainly evil enough - but he chickened out.
He claimed he got a deal to do a movie with Sandra Bullock instead.

[SOL - everyone is laughing]
SERVO: Sandra Bullock?!?! BWAH-HAHAHAHAH!!!
CROW: He couldn't get a movie deal with JM J Bullock!! Heheheheheheh!!
MIKE: Oh, my, hoo hoo, face it, Clay, he just couldn't handle you!

[D13]
DR.F: True, true. And already the mail is starting to pile up again.
[picks up a letter] Oh, a letter from Mom, how nice [tosses it over
his shoulder]. But all that will soon change, because I've found my
new assistant. Meet the newest member of the Deep 13 team [a slim man
with a neatly tailored suit and a spangled guitar wanders in ] -
Chris Isaak.

[SOL]
ALL: CHRIS ISAAK?!?!? YAAAAAHHHHH!!!! [Everyone runs off]

[D13]
DR.F: Huh, I knew you had potential , Chris, but I must say that was
impressive!! Now, I'll show you your broom closet here [Dr F turns and
starts to the back. Chris pulls a knife and follows him] But first, be
a lad and push the button, hm?
CHRIS [singing] Don't make me dream abou- WUFFF!! [an even slimmer man in
an even nattier looking suit tackles him amid sections; they start
wrestling]
DR.F: What?!? David Bowie and Chris Isaak are wrestling on my floor?
[disgustedly] You just can't keep good help these days! Never mind,
Chris, just have your little fun - I'LL push the button!! [Dr. F
walks over and - ]

[FWOOSH!!!]
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
"THE VANISHED": by Peggy Mei-Ling Li
MiSTING OF "VANISHED": by Bill Livingston
MiSTING DIBS LIST MAINTAINED: by Michael K. Neylon
CASH: by the U.S. Treasury Department (all rights reserved)
PAINT: by numbers
XENA: Warrior Princess
THANKS: to MiSTies, MuSTies, the teachers of America, the authors of
all the Amendments (except the 22nd), and whoever invented peanut butter.

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should be implied; impersonal ones are allowed, as long as the proper form
is filled out!

Find out how you can help save "Mystery Science Theater 3000"! See the
"Save MST3K Page" at http://fermi.clas.virginia.edu/~jcp9j/canceled.html

No animals were harmed in the making of these articles, although several
microbes were savagely beaten out of existence

Keep circulating the posts.
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> "Look mister Creepy, Freaky, whatever they call you,"
>Albert interrupted, "you may be Howard Cosell of the Wide World
>of the Paranormal, but I believe Cooper has seniority here."
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