MiSTed: The DANGER Of HALLOWEEN!
Jessica Skolnik
MiSTing by Jessica Skolnik
who got by with a little help from Lisa Jenkins
[Satellite of Love]
[TOM reads an encyclopedia; he wears a pair of glasses. CROW zooms by from
stage right to stage left in front of the control desk wearing a baseball
hat. Enter MIKE.]
MIKE: Hi everyone...and welcome to the Satellite of Love. I told the 'bots
about rainy days back on earth...and they wanted to try out some of the
typical "rainy day activities."
TOM: Mike? Could you turn the page for me?
[MIKE turns the page for TOM.]
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in 5...4...3...2...1...commercial sign now!
[Commercial light flashes. CROW races passed the screen from stage left to
stage right and whacks the button with an outstretched arm.]
[Commercial]
[Satellite of Love]
[Enter GYPSY, clutching a row of linked paper dolls in her mouth.]
GYPSY: [muffled because of the paper in her mouth] Look! Look! Aren't they
good?
MIKE: They're wonderful, Gypsy.
[Mads' light flashes.]
TOM: Hey, Holt and Rinehart are calling.
MIKE: So they are. [presses the button]
[Deep 13]
DR F: Let's just cut to the chase this time, Gidget. You've got a painful
fundamentalist rant coming up...just call it "Bruce L. Johnson: The
Preacher Of Fate!"
[Satellite of Love]
[CROW enters stage right from behind GYPSY.]
MIKE: [looking confused] Sure....
[TOM and CROW exchange worried looks behind MIKE.]
[Deep 13]
DR F: Send them the movie, Frank. [pause] Frank? Frank?
[There is a knock on the door -- DR F goes to answer it....]
FRANK: [dripping wet, entering from the door] Sorry, Steve. I just had to do
the ultimate rainy-day thing and go outside singin' in the rain!
DR F: Frank, we're underground.
FRANK: Oh. Well, I took a shower -- isn't that kind of--?
DR F: [impatient] SEND THE RANT, FRANK.
[Satellite of Love]
[Movie sign lights flash and sirens buzz.]
ALL: AAAAHHHH! We got rant sign!
[Door sequence]
[Satellite of Love Theater]
>Article #52 (180 is last):
>Newsgroups: cap.community.forum.interfaith
CROW: Cap the community with a forum on interfaith!
MIKE: Ew. I've heard about interfaith in families....
TOM: Sad, really.
>From: jeff...@cap.gwu.edu
>Subject: The DANGER Of HALLOWEEN!
TOM: Are you sure William Shatner didn't write this?
MIKE: No, but he directed it.
TOM & CROW: NOOOO!
>Posted-By: religion (Religious Center)
CROW: Religion is a Religious Center. Gosh, I would NEVER have known that,
would you?
>Date: Thu Oct 14 18:58:50 1993
>
>
>
> H A L L O W E E N
> by Bruce L. Johnson
>
>
> The origin of Halloween goes back thousands of years in Europe.
MIKE: [as small child] Hey, this candy sucks! Let's TP Og's cave!
TOM & CROW: Yeah!
>Ancient Celtic priests called Druids were heavily involed in occultic
>practices and sorcery. They lived in the forests and worshipped nature
>and the "spirits" of the dead.
CROW: Vodka, gin, rum, whisky....
>Their chief god was called Samhain, "lord of the dead."
TOM: Wait a sec. I've been doing some reading, and Samhain was a HOLIDAY, not
a god.
MIKE: I know, Tom.
>Later on in history, Samhain was given many other names, such as
CROW: Sally Struthers!
TOM: Sandy Frank!
MIKE: Bruce L. Johnson!
>Pan,
CROW: Guess he was master of the pan flute BEFORE Zamfir. Heh. Um...heh.
> "god of death and darkness." (Satan is Satan and still is Satan!)
MIKE: [as Church Lady] Could it be....SATAN?!
TOM: Satan is Elvis. Case closed.
> The Druids celebrated this event with several fire festivals,
>honoring both Samhain and the goddess Beltane,
TOM: But, Mike, Beltane is a HOLIDAY, not a goddess.
MIKE: [sighs] I know, Tom.
> "The Great
CROW: Gila Monster?
> Mother Earth."
>(Later on, under Roman rule, the Druids added the worship of many of the
>Roman gods and goddesses as well.)
TOM: They realized Samhain and Beltane were HOLIDAYS, not gods or goddesses.
CROW & MIKE: WE KNOW!
>
> November 1 was considered to be the "day of death", since it
>was the end of Autumn and the beginning of winter.
CROW: Now the "day of death" is on April 15th!
TOM: [Swedish accent, swaying violently] DEATH UND TAXES! DEATH UND TAXES!
> The Druids were also
>the builders of the mysterious "Stonehenge" in England, which was used
>to calculate various solstice and equinox, thus arriving at the four
>infamous Witchcraft days, which are: February 2 (Caldemas);
MIKE: AAAH! I calded myself! I poured boiling water on my skin!
TOM: That's SCALDED, Mike.
MIKE: Oh, yeah.
> May 1
>(Roodmas);
CROW: [deep voice] Don't be so Rood, mas!
> August 1 (Lammas);
TOM: Lorenzo Lammas?
> and October 31 (Halloween). June 21
>(Midsummer's Night Eve) is also a time for demonic pranks and rituals.
CROW: Does that mean we get to watch "Manos" again?
TOM: Demonic pranks, not demonic movies.
>
> The Druid priests believed that by setting huge bonfires they
>were attracting
MIKE: Moths?
> spirits of the dead who had passed away the previous
>year.
CROW: Then they could make Bloody Marys with those spirits!
> By incantations and magical rituals, these spirits would be drawn
>to the sacrificial fires
CROW: Then they would get sucked in and would DIE!
TOM: Aren't they already dead?
CROW: So?
> and be released from their bondage
TOM: Oh HO!
> during this one
>evening only.
MIKE: Special offer! Buy one spirit, get one HALF OFF!
> They then would be free to roam the countryside, doing good
>deeds
MIKE: Oh, so they're the spirits of dead Boy Scouts?
> or taking revenge upon their enemies. By morning they were then
>turned over to Samhain, who would lead them away to his realm.
TOM: But, Mike...Samhain isn't a god, he's a holiday.
MIKE: If you tell us that ONE MORE TIME, Tom....
>
> In the building of the bonfires, the Druids would perform
TOM: Interpretative dance!
> horrible
>rituals by casting both live animals and humans into the flames!
MIKE: [falsetto] This is the best Tupperware party I've ever been to!
>The human victims were usually the mentally ill, criminals, the deformed,
>and war prisoners.
CROW: This made it okay to treat non-conformists and the disabled harshly
throughout life....
> This practice gave the blazes the name of "bonefire."
>(Think about this the next time you observe the traditional "pep rally"
>bonfire we were so familiar with in high school.)
TOM & CROW: [as cheerleaders] Stack those bodies high, high, high!
Watch the dead ones reach the sky!
GOOOOO TEAM!
YAAAAY!
MIKE: That was sick, people.
>
> During these times, farmers and villagers alike had an animistic
>approach to life, similiar to the Druids. Each family would extinguish
>its own hearth fire, then go into the forests and join the Druids in their
>cruel fire sacrifices.
MIKE: They only came for the barbecue and company picnic afterwards, you know.
TOM: Now THAT was sick.
MIKE: See? I'm catching on....
> In exchange, and many time for compensation,
> the Druid warlock
CROW: Warlock: The Armageddon.
>would present each family a burning ember from the "sacred" dying fires,
>so the people could go back and re-light their hearths, thus appeasing
>the evil spirits that would be roaming around that particular evening.
TOM: Hello, I'll be your evil spirit for this evening. We have a lovely
Satanic ritual right around the corner, if you're interested.
>
> Centuries later,
MIKE: --in a kingdom far, far away--
> the Roman Catholic church adopted a "holy
>"evening" in May called "All Hallows Even", which honored dead saints
>of past church history. When the Romans conquered the Celts, the church
>attempted to counteract the pagan influence of the Druids, by moving their
>observance from May to November 1, and calling this "All Saints Day." This
>was a decree set down by Pope Gregory in the 8th century. This is one of
>the reasons Christians tend to associate Halloween with Christianity.
TOM: Since when?
CROW: Since always!
MIKE: I just don't think so, Crow.
>Nothing could be further from the truth.
TOM: NO KIDDING.
> In fact, the pagan influence
>proved much too dominant.
TOM: Or recessive, depending.
> Thus, an "if-you-can't-beat-'em,-join-'em"
CROW: Rah rah rah! Goooo team!
>attitude prevailed and "All Hallows Eve" turned into "Halloween", and it
>has been going strong ever since.
MIKE: [as Casey Kasem] Now, at NUMBER ONE -- Satan!
> It has become a very special night for
>the witches, satanists, and other occultic groups who worship Satan.
TOM: But most witches don't worships Satan! At least not Wiccans....
MIKE: [sighs] I KNOW, Tom.
>and the forces of Nature. More worldwide animal and human (yes, human!)
MIKE: You heard me -- human!
>sacrifices are recorded on Halloween night than on any other evening--
>and this includes the Western world!
CROW: So they celebrate Halloween in Asia now?
>
> TRICK OR TREAT
ALL: [sing-song] Smell my feet, give me something good to eat!
>
> The pagans believed that the spirits came back to haunt and cause
>grief among the living,
TOM: I thought they did good deeds. [pause] Oh well...like anything here
makes much sense.
> so these ghosts had to be appeased.
CROW: For a mere cash bonus.
> This gave
>rise to the practice of preparing large banquet tables filled with food
>and drink.
CROW: Hey, smorgasbord!
TOM: Yum!
MIKE: Save me a legge of mutton and a tankard of ale, will you, Crow?
CROW: Sure!
> and holding this feast on October 31, for both the ghosts and
>the living. After "all" had enjoyed the meal, many villagers would don
CROW: --lacy panties!
>costumes representing the souls of departed spirits and imagined likenesses
>of demons. They would parade around the tables
MIKE: Do these folks have ANY life?
> and lead the spirits to
>the outskirts of town, away from the homes.
CROW: Hey, like the Pied Piper of Hamelin!
> This was done to avoid tragic
>events that were sure to befall...such as
TOM: --the invention of the whole fanfic genre!
CROW: --or the heralded "comeback" of disco!
> having their live-stock die;
>milk turning sour or poisonous; food spoiling; the stealing of children
>and even the death of family members.
MIKE: The parents would die, and government orphanage workers would come steal
the children....
>
> Another common practice, while the Druids were still worshipping
>in the woods, was for the townsfolk to set out sweetmeats and other
>delectables on their doorsteps on that particular evening,
CROW: [smacks lips] Yummy!
> so when the
>evil spirits "came a callin'",
MIKE: [sings] Oh when those spirits came a knockin' on my door...when those
spirits came a knockin' on my door....
> they would receive a "treat". Neglcting
>to do so, however, would surely result in some form of evil "trick" done
>to that household. (I have already mentioned the consequences of opposing
>the "spirits".)
MIKE: I think this rant was filed by the Department of Redundancy Department.
>
> The role of the children of the village would be to go off into the
>forests by themselves and perform their own little rituals.
TOM: Like "doctor"!
> On this one
>evening they would pretend that they were Druid priests endowed with
CROW: --nice figures!
TOM: Rrrrow!
>mystical powers and light their own bonfires and play magical games.
MIKE: So they were the first RPG players?
TOM: Hey, I LIKE AD&D.
>Then they would sneak back into the villages and steal the goodies that
>the townspeople had so carefully placed on their doorsteps.
CROW: --and egg a few cars.
> If any of the
>children were caught in the act of theft, they would simply plead the
>amendment called "spirit possession."
TOM: Is this an amendment I don't know about?
MIKE: If so, we've got one messed-up Bill of Rights.
>Thus evolved "trick or treat".
ALL: [again, sing-song] Smell my feet...
> Adding to this, the witches
CROW: --of Eastwick!--
> have a story of
>a man called "Jack the Terrible,"
MIKE: Any relation to Jack the Bear?
TOM: Maybe he's Mighty Jack's brother!
MIKE: Huh?
> who was so evil that when he died even
>hell would not have him.
CROW: Are you POSITIVE we're not speaking of Sandy Frank here?
> His destiny was to roam the world on Halloween night,
>seeking followers. He lighted his way by carrying a carved turnip with a
>candle burning inside. This is where the term "Jack-O-Lantern" originated,
>although now a pumpkin is used.
CROW: Pumpkin pies taste better than turnip pies, anyway.
>
> CHRISTIAN ALTERNATIVES
MIKE: Now found on alt.christian.lifestyles.
> The physical dangers to young children on Halloween should be a
>concern to all caring parents and teachers.
CROW: Like teachers care.
MIKE: Some do.
>Serious injuries and deaths have been the result of "harmless Halloween
>fun."
TOM: Serious injuries and deaths have also been caused by drag racing, but you
don't see any fundamentalists ranting about THAT!
> Food poisoning, razor blades imbedded in fruit and candy, costume
>fires;
CROW: That's what you get for being Gamera on Halloween.
TOM: Or hanging out too long on alt.flame!
> being struck by automobiles, child molestation; and the list goes
>on.
TOM: Much like this rant here.
>But, what about the spiritual dangers? Since Halloween and all its
>trappings is steeped in
CROW: --Sleepytime tea!--
> black magic and occultic practices of ancient pagan
>civilizations, the Christian is compromising his faith by embracing this
>demonic symbolism and celebrating "Satan's Day."
>
> Public relation promotions put out by the candy factories,
CROW: --really bite.
> card and
>costume companies, supermarkets and local organizations sponsoring
>"haunted houses" and "scare shows"--all make the parents feel as if they
>were depriving their children of something "good and fun" if they don't
>allow them to participate in the Halloween festivities.
TOM: [deep voice] So we SHOULD let Johnny go to the sacrifice?
CROW: [falsetto] We'd be depriving him of something good and fun if we didn't
let him sacrifice a goat every year!
>It should be the responsibility of Christian parents to teach their children
>the truth from the beginning, and not to wait until they have been
>sufficiently infected by
MIKE: Stupid commercials?
> the world's teaching that they must be deprogrammed
MIKE: They're children, not robots!
TOM & CROW: HEY!
MIKE: Umm...sorry....
>at a later date. Children who are taught to love Jesus will come to
MIKE: --realize that they are living a lie.
> under-
>stand in time that because of that love, they should have nothing to do
>with glorifying Satan and his power. Here are some suggested Christian
>alternatives to Halloween:
TOM: Hang a prophet or God's own son on a cross and persecute him.
> 1. Local churches cooperate with parents and teachers in
> organizing wholesome parties for the children.
MIKE: [falsetto] We'll bob for apples, and then we'll bake cookies....
CROW: And then we'll kill the little suckers!
> 2. Kids could dress up as Bible characters, instead of ghosts,
> ghouls, or goblins.
CROW: [as whiny child] But I was the Ten Commandments last year!
> 3. Play Bible games and trivia and give prizes of fruit and
> candy, instead of going "trick or treat".
TOM: The kids aren't going to like this one much, but....
MIKE: All in the name of good clean fun!
CROW: You mean, like, with soap?
TOM: [hums that ever-so-obnoxious SOAP theme]
CROW: No, not THAT kind of soap.
> 4. Tell Bible stories instead of ghost stories (II Timothy 1:7, KJV)
MIKE: Wait. Let me look that one up here....
>
> 5. Pastors and youth leaders teach about the Occult, Witchcraft, etc.
> and explain what Halloween is really all about (Isaiah 8:19-20;
> Exodus 22:18, KJV)
TOM: Hopefully they won't use this rant as a source, because this isn't
exactly the truth. [pause] In fact it's not even close.
> 6. Have a Question and Answer period, discussing God's teachings
> against the Occult.
CROW: And now it's time to play DOUBLE JEOPARDY!
MIKE: I'll take "Misinformation" for $400, Alex.
> List the many abominations,
TOM: Stephen Ratliff, Abian, John _-_ Winston....
> etc. (See Deuteronomy 18:10-15, KJV).
MIKE: Wait! I'm still looking up the first one!
>
> There is not one redeeming quality for a Christian in Halloween!
>Do something positive for the Lord this Halloween
CROW: --kill a Commie for Christ!
> (Psalm 118:24 KJV). Take
>a stand and show the Lord
TOM: --your new underwear.
> that you and your household will not pay homage to
>Satan (Joshua 24:15-16 KJV). But to those of you who will still persist on
>giving Satan his day by observing Halloween, thinking you'll be "having your
>cake and eating it too,"--then be prepared for devil's food!
MIKE: Hey, I LOVE devil's food cake!
> Professor Bruce L. Johnson is Director of the Center
> of Cultic and Occultic Studies in Cape Coral, Florida.
TOM: Would you look at that? The man's taking an awful chance of speaking out
against his own beliefs!
MIKE: What would you expect? The man thinks he's an EXPERT....
CROW: Yeah, right! Let's go!
[Door sequence]
[Satellite of Love]
[MIKE wears a red turtleneck over his jumpsuit. TOM wears a red bathrobe and
a yarmulke. CROW wears a long white beard and a robe resembling a baja, and
carries a twig.]
MIKE: Well, we've all decided to create our own religiously correct or R.C.,
for short--
TOM: R.C. Cola and a moon pie?
MIKE: Tom, we're getting off track. Anyway, we made our own costumes based on
today's ran...er, article. [calls off-screen] Gypsy, are you ready to
join us yet?
GYPSY: [off stage] I'm not ready!
CROW: So THAT'S where they got that line from.
MIKE: Tom, will you go first, then?
TOM: Sure. I'm an apostle before six in the morning.
[Everyone turns, looks at TOM.]
CROW: Tom, that's weird.
TOM: Well, then.... [defensively] You go, Mr. T. Robot!
CROW: [proudly] I am Moses. Anyone got a red sea around here?
TOM: Oh, like that's any better!
CROW: Better than yours!
TOM: You want a red sea? Well, you'll be SEEING red after i finish with
you!...you...
MIKE: [pushing the 'bots apart] Somebody better part the two of you. Gypsy,
are you ready now?
GYPSY: Not yet!
MIKE: Okay, I guess it's my turn then. [quickly dons a green baseball cap and
wraps a piece of red foam around his torso] I'm the apple of knowledge!
GYPSY: Okay... [enters stage right wearing a piece of cheesecloth and a halo
ring on her head, carrying a candy cane in her mouth] I'm a shepherd!
[the candy cane drops from her mouth as soon as she speaks]
MIKE: [turning to screen] What do you think, sirs?
[Deep 13]
DR F: Crantastic, Apple Quencher Boy.
FRANK: Hey, can I be a lion? Like Daniel in the lion's den?
DR F: Push the button, Frank.
FRANK: OK, Steve.
[ROLL CREDITS]
[-end-]
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: Mystery Science Theater 3000 and related characters are
copyright 1994 Best Brains, Inc. This is not authorized by BBI or Comedy
Central. They might get a kick out of it, though, I don't know. :)
This is only a joke and not a personal attack on Mr. Bruce L. Johnson.
CapAccess, which is a lovely free-net service on which this rant was found, is
not in any way responsible for it.
--
Jessica Skolnik
>Nothing could be further from the truth.
Erin Cash
Steve?
---- Erin
ca...@math.orst.edu
Torgo lives!
Bruce Gilbert
Bruce Gilbert Internet: BG7...@ACAD.DRAKE.EDU
"Move it along, move it along, folks, .sig's over, nothin' to see here."