MiSTed: The Tale of Grumpy Weasel, Chapter 11 [ 1 / 1 ]
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Joseph Nebus
Feb 2, 2023, 7:07:38 PMFeb 2
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>
>
> XI
CROW: Xi Xperling, president of the hair club for zmen.
>
> A LONG RACE
TOM: The 19th-Century struggle between Britain and Russia for mastery in Afghanistan and how it changed the world!
>
> The famous race between Grumpy Weasel and Jimmy
> Rabbit went on and on.
JOEL: They stumbled into an existentialist drama without realizing it.
> Jimmy turned and twisted this way and
> that,
CROW: No, not *that* way!
> up and down and back and forth
TOM: *And* Fortran.
> through Pleasant Valley.
JOEL: [ As Ted Stryker ] I don't know if we'll ever be through Pleasant Vally.
> He could still run faster than Grumpy Weasel, it is true.
CROW: Well, that would seem to settle the race then, wouldn't it?
> But
> he was growing tired. Now and then Jimmy stopped to rest.
JOEL: Have you considered calling 'Olly Olly Oxen Free'?
> And
> he kept hoping that Grumpy Weasel had become so weary that he
> had given up the chase.
TOM: That's it, wait for the creature driven by anger to get over it.
>
> But Grumpy Weasel never stopped once.
CROW: He started right in on stopping twice.
> And whenever
> Jimmy Rabbit spied him coming along his trail Jimmy would
> spring up with a sigh and rush off again.
JOEL: [ As Coily ] o/` No sighs! o/`s`
>
> He began to understand that such a race was no joke.
TOM: Jimmy took a frivolous view of the sport of 'Dare Ta to a Foot Race'?
> He certainly didn't want to lose the race.
CROW: The only way to race is not to race.
> And he certainly
> didn't want Grumpy Weasel to come up with him.
JOEL: Maybe Grumpy Weasel will just give you a big hug?
> He had always
> kept at a good safe distance from that ill-natured fellow.
TOM: Except on Accept-A-Dare Thursdays.
> And Jimmy felt most uneasy now at the thought of Grumpy's
> catching him.
CROW: [ As Jimmy ] 'What if he tickles me?'
>
> "He must be very hungry, after running so far," Jimmy
> Rabbit said to himself anxiously.
TOM; [ As Jimmy ] 'Maybe I can get him talking about what kind of protein shakes he likes.'
> "If he's as hungry as I am
> he wouldn't be a pleasant person to meet."
JOEL: What if you meet him at the Chinese buffet?
> And that thought
> made Jimmy run all the faster, for a time.
CROW: But he's not running for a time.
> But he soon found
> that he had to stop more often to rest.
TOM: Jimmy hauls off and smacks a tortoise who wasn't even involved.
> And to his great
> alarm Grumpy Weasel kept drawing nearer all the time.
JOEL: When in the race do you figure Jimmy realized he forgot to pick a finish line?
>
> At last Jimmy Rabbit became so worried that he swept
TOM: Compulsive cleaning is at least a useful way of handling nerves.
> around by the stone wall again and stopped to whisper to old
> Mr. Crow.
JOEL: [ As Mr Crow ] 'What? You act like this is my fault somehow!'
>
> "He's still chasing me. And I can't run forever.
TOM: isn't that the lyrics from 'The Raccoons'?
JOEL: o/` Come run forever ... o/``
> What
> shall I do?" Jimmy asked the old gentleman.
CROW: [ As Mr Crow ] 'Have you considered flying?'
>
> "I'll think the matter over and let you know
> to-morrow,"
TOM: [ As Mr Crow ] 'For a hamburger today.'
> Mr. Crow muttered hoarsely. To tell the truth,
JOEL: Will the real Grumpy Weasel *please* stand up?
> he
> was alarmed himself.
TOM: [ As Jimmy ] 'Oh, *he's* alarmed now?!'
> And he had no idea what Jimmy Rabbit
> could do to save himself from Grumpy Weasel.
CROW: Maybe have Paddy Muskrat swim at him?
>
> While they talked, Grumpy's cousin, Peter Mink,
> watched them slyly.
JOEL: Well not *that* slyly, just sort of slyly-ish-ly.
>
> "Who do you think is going to win the race?" he
> jeered.
TOM: [ As Mr Crow ] 'Look, why do you want to make everything a horserace?'
JOEL: [ As Peter ] 'It's literally a race and neither of them are horses!'
CROW: [ As Jimmy ] 'My voice is pretty hoarse!
>
> Mr. Crow did not even turn his head. He felt very
> uncomfortable.
TOM: Really? Whatever for?
> But he tried to look unconcerned.
CROW: Don't frown! .. Oh, perfect!
>
> "Run along!" he said to Jimmy. "To-morrow I'll tell
> you what to do."
JOEL: Wait! I just had an idea, Jimmy, put on this Girl Weasel costume and I'll play the sultry music!
>
> "To-morrow---" Jimmy Rabbit panted---"to-morrow will
> be too late."
TOM: o/` To-morrow will be tooooo laaaaate! o/`
>
> Then all at once Mr. Crow had an idea.
CROW: If I could stop Valentine's Day from coming --- but how?
> And he
> whispered something in one of Jimmy Rabbit's long ears
JOEL: 'Coronet Blue'?!
> that
> made the poor fellow take heart.
TOM: Also ears.
>
> "All right!" Jimmy cried. "I'll see you
> again---sometime!"
CROW: [ As Mr Crow ] 'See you soon!' [ To himself ] 'He's dead.'
> And away he ran, just as Grumpy Weasel
> came racing along the stone wall,
JOEL: He's stonewalling.
> looking as fresh as a
> daisy.
TOM: Please don't eat the weasels.
>
> "You'd better stop and rest a while!" Mr. Crow
> croaked. "If you get too tired you'll never win."
CROW: [ As Mr Crow ] 'If this works Jimmy is set!'
>
> "Rest!" Grumpy exploded. "I don't need to rest! I
> never felt better in my life, except that I'm pretty hungry.
TOM: Aw, you're awfully cute even when you're stuffed, dear.
> But I'm bound to win this race."
JOEL: He shows off his giant horseshoe magnet and empty bag of iron baby carrots.
> As he spoke of feeling
> hungry he cast a longing glance at Jimmy Rabbit,
TOM: [ Makes a zzzzzz noise, like a fishing reel being cast. ]
> who was just
> dodging out of sight behind a distant tree.
TOM: Grumpy just went into a bar, made the biker strip naked, didn't even take the clothes.
CROW: Did Arthur Scott Bailey ever consider liking his protagonist?
>
> "Wait here a bit, anyhow!" Mr. Crow urged him.
JOEL: Underneath this anvil!
> "Since
> you're sure to win---as you say---there can be no hurry."
TOM: [ As Grumpy ] 'If ... is this some Sophist nonsense? You gonna give me that thing about how since I never lost my unicorn horn I *have* a unicorn horn?'
> And
> Peter Mink too begged his cousin Grumpy to stop just a
> minute.
CROW: Think how Peter Mink feels begging Grumpy to spend more time with him.
> And he laughed, "Ha, ha!" whenever he looked at Mr.
> Crow.
TOM: They're coming to take me away?
>
> And strange to say, Mr. Crow said, "Ha, ha!" too.
JOEL: He's going to dare Grumpy Weasel to race *him*.
-- End of Chapter 11 --
--
Joseph Nebus
Math Blog: https://nebusresearch.wordpress.com
Humor Blog: https://nebushumor.wordpress.com
--------------------------------------------------------+---------------------
>
> XI
CROW: Xi Xperling, president of the hair club for zmen.
>
> A LONG RACE
TOM: The 19th-Century struggle between Britain and Russia for mastery in Afghanistan and how it changed the world!
>
> The famous race between Grumpy Weasel and Jimmy
> Rabbit went on and on.
JOEL: They stumbled into an existentialist drama without realizing it.
> Jimmy turned and twisted this way and
> that,
CROW: No, not *that* way!
> up and down and back and forth
TOM: *And* Fortran.
> through Pleasant Valley.
JOEL: [ As Ted Stryker ] I don't know if we'll ever be through Pleasant Vally.
> He could still run faster than Grumpy Weasel, it is true.
CROW: Well, that would seem to settle the race then, wouldn't it?
> But
> he was growing tired. Now and then Jimmy stopped to rest.
JOEL: Have you considered calling 'Olly Olly Oxen Free'?
> And
> he kept hoping that Grumpy Weasel had become so weary that he
> had given up the chase.
TOM: That's it, wait for the creature driven by anger to get over it.
>
> But Grumpy Weasel never stopped once.
CROW: He started right in on stopping twice.
> And whenever
> Jimmy Rabbit spied him coming along his trail Jimmy would
> spring up with a sigh and rush off again.
JOEL: [ As Coily ] o/` No sighs! o/`s`
>
> He began to understand that such a race was no joke.
TOM: Jimmy took a frivolous view of the sport of 'Dare Ta to a Foot Race'?
> He certainly didn't want to lose the race.
CROW: The only way to race is not to race.
> And he certainly
> didn't want Grumpy Weasel to come up with him.
JOEL: Maybe Grumpy Weasel will just give you a big hug?
> He had always
> kept at a good safe distance from that ill-natured fellow.
TOM: Except on Accept-A-Dare Thursdays.
> And Jimmy felt most uneasy now at the thought of Grumpy's
> catching him.
CROW: [ As Jimmy ] 'What if he tickles me?'
>
> "He must be very hungry, after running so far," Jimmy
> Rabbit said to himself anxiously.
TOM; [ As Jimmy ] 'Maybe I can get him talking about what kind of protein shakes he likes.'
> "If he's as hungry as I am
> he wouldn't be a pleasant person to meet."
JOEL: What if you meet him at the Chinese buffet?
> And that thought
> made Jimmy run all the faster, for a time.
CROW: But he's not running for a time.
> But he soon found
> that he had to stop more often to rest.
TOM: Jimmy hauls off and smacks a tortoise who wasn't even involved.
> And to his great
> alarm Grumpy Weasel kept drawing nearer all the time.
JOEL: When in the race do you figure Jimmy realized he forgot to pick a finish line?
>
> At last Jimmy Rabbit became so worried that he swept
TOM: Compulsive cleaning is at least a useful way of handling nerves.
> around by the stone wall again and stopped to whisper to old
> Mr. Crow.
JOEL: [ As Mr Crow ] 'What? You act like this is my fault somehow!'
>
> "He's still chasing me. And I can't run forever.
TOM: isn't that the lyrics from 'The Raccoons'?
JOEL: o/` Come run forever ... o/``
> What
> shall I do?" Jimmy asked the old gentleman.
CROW: [ As Mr Crow ] 'Have you considered flying?'
>
> "I'll think the matter over and let you know
> to-morrow,"
TOM: [ As Mr Crow ] 'For a hamburger today.'
> Mr. Crow muttered hoarsely. To tell the truth,
JOEL: Will the real Grumpy Weasel *please* stand up?
> he
> was alarmed himself.
TOM: [ As Jimmy ] 'Oh, *he's* alarmed now?!'
> And he had no idea what Jimmy Rabbit
> could do to save himself from Grumpy Weasel.
CROW: Maybe have Paddy Muskrat swim at him?
>
> While they talked, Grumpy's cousin, Peter Mink,
> watched them slyly.
JOEL: Well not *that* slyly, just sort of slyly-ish-ly.
>
> "Who do you think is going to win the race?" he
> jeered.
TOM: [ As Mr Crow ] 'Look, why do you want to make everything a horserace?'
JOEL: [ As Peter ] 'It's literally a race and neither of them are horses!'
CROW: [ As Jimmy ] 'My voice is pretty hoarse!
>
> Mr. Crow did not even turn his head. He felt very
> uncomfortable.
TOM: Really? Whatever for?
> But he tried to look unconcerned.
CROW: Don't frown! .. Oh, perfect!
>
> "Run along!" he said to Jimmy. "To-morrow I'll tell
> you what to do."
JOEL: Wait! I just had an idea, Jimmy, put on this Girl Weasel costume and I'll play the sultry music!
>
> "To-morrow---" Jimmy Rabbit panted---"to-morrow will
> be too late."
TOM: o/` To-morrow will be tooooo laaaaate! o/`
>
> Then all at once Mr. Crow had an idea.
CROW: If I could stop Valentine's Day from coming --- but how?
> And he
> whispered something in one of Jimmy Rabbit's long ears
JOEL: 'Coronet Blue'?!
> that
> made the poor fellow take heart.
TOM: Also ears.
>
> "All right!" Jimmy cried. "I'll see you
> again---sometime!"
CROW: [ As Mr Crow ] 'See you soon!' [ To himself ] 'He's dead.'
> And away he ran, just as Grumpy Weasel
> came racing along the stone wall,
JOEL: He's stonewalling.
> looking as fresh as a
> daisy.
TOM: Please don't eat the weasels.
>
> "You'd better stop and rest a while!" Mr. Crow
> croaked. "If you get too tired you'll never win."
CROW: [ As Mr Crow ] 'If this works Jimmy is set!'
>
> "Rest!" Grumpy exploded. "I don't need to rest! I
> never felt better in my life, except that I'm pretty hungry.
TOM: Aw, you're awfully cute even when you're stuffed, dear.
> But I'm bound to win this race."
JOEL: He shows off his giant horseshoe magnet and empty bag of iron baby carrots.
> As he spoke of feeling
> hungry he cast a longing glance at Jimmy Rabbit,
TOM: [ Makes a zzzzzz noise, like a fishing reel being cast. ]
> who was just
> dodging out of sight behind a distant tree.
TOM: Grumpy just went into a bar, made the biker strip naked, didn't even take the clothes.
CROW: Did Arthur Scott Bailey ever consider liking his protagonist?
>
> "Wait here a bit, anyhow!" Mr. Crow urged him.
JOEL: Underneath this anvil!
> "Since
> you're sure to win---as you say---there can be no hurry."
TOM: [ As Grumpy ] 'If ... is this some Sophist nonsense? You gonna give me that thing about how since I never lost my unicorn horn I *have* a unicorn horn?'
> And
> Peter Mink too begged his cousin Grumpy to stop just a
> minute.
CROW: Think how Peter Mink feels begging Grumpy to spend more time with him.
> And he laughed, "Ha, ha!" whenever he looked at Mr.
> Crow.
TOM: They're coming to take me away?
>
> And strange to say, Mr. Crow said, "Ha, ha!" too.
JOEL: He's going to dare Grumpy Weasel to race *him*.
-- End of Chapter 11 --
--
Joseph Nebus
Math Blog: https://nebusresearch.wordpress.com
Humor Blog: https://nebushumor.wordpress.com
--------------------------------------------------------+---------------------
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