MSTed: Paper on Abductions, Part 6 of 6 (egad!)
Mark B Sachs
I'm keen to hear feedback on it.
The MSTies mailing list is accessible via: misties...@jg.cso.uiuc.edu.
Order today! Operators are standing by.
==================================
(Scene: The Satellite o' Love, way off in a corner of the set. The lights are
dim. Mike, Tom, and Crow are watching the Earth through a window. Naturally,
it's the foam-rubber Earth from the opening credits...)
<Mike> (sighing) Look at it out there, guys. It's so beautiful.
<Tom> It's only a model.
<Crow> Shh. So, uh, Nelson, this is where you hang out?
<Mike> Yeah... Y'know, sometimes I almost think that everyone down there is
just like us, really. Everyone else is trapped on that big blue spaceship
just like we're trapped on the Satellite of Love, hurtling through space
towards a destiny they're powerless to control.
<Tom> That's beautiful, Mike!
<Crow> Ah... there are a few logical flaws in your argument, though.
<Mike> What do you mean, Crow?
<Crow> Well, just as a for-example, there's five billion people down there.
<Tom> Some of whom are women.
<Crow> Yeah. And they're not being forced to watch bad movies by a bunch of
mad scientists.
<Tom> And they have mountains to climb, and lakes to swim in.
<Crow> And 43 flavors of ice cream.
<Tom> And John Grisham novels.
<Crow> And...
<Mike> (getting up) All right, all right, look, never mind, you've ruined it.
I'm sorry I said anything.
(The Mads' signal lamp starts flashing and the lights go up.)
<Mike> Hey, look sharp, you guys. Londo and Vir are calling.
(Deep 13. Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank are standing there, looking smug.)
<Dr. F> Well, Michael Garibaldi, we're pressed for time, so we'll be skipping
the Invention Exchange today.
(SOL Bridge. Mike is holding up a fiber-optic cable with various electronic
attachments and one end tied to a bar of soap.)
<Mike> But what about my four-function soap-on-a-rope?
(Deep 13)
<Dr. F> No time for that now, my double-blinded friend! These posts are
coming in almost faster than we can send them up to you, so we've got to move
quickly, chop-chop! Lay the pain on 'em, Frank.
<Frank> Have it our way, guys! Ah, hahahaha!
<Dr. F> Just do it, Frank.
<Frank> (meekly) Yes, sir.
(SOL Bridge)
<Mike> Aaah! We've got posting sign!
*...6...5...4...3...2...1...
Article 44624 of alt.conspiracy:
Xref: psuvax1 alt.alien.visitors:27683 alt.conspiracy:44624
alt.religion.kibology:21454
Path:
psuvax1!news.ecn.bgu.edu!usenet.ins.cwru.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!portal!cup.portal.com!John_-_Winston
<Crow> Oh, no! Not again!
<Tom> Great. He's an entity unto himself now.
From: John_-_...@cup.portal.com
<All> Hi, John!
Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors,alt.conspiracy,alt.religion.kibology
<Crow> Ah... somehow, this does not inspire confidence.
Subject: Paper On Abductions. Part 6 of 6.
Message-ID: <104...@cup.portal.com>
Date: Tue, 22 Feb 94 06:42:57 PST
Organization: The Portal System (TM)
References: <1993Nov4....@main.morris.org> <95...@cup.portal.com>
<95...@cup.portal.com> <CG5zC...@world.std.com> <96...@cup.portal.com>
<Mike> It sounds like a Disneyland ride.
<Tom> (rapidly) All references to Disneyland(tm) are a trademark of the
Disney Corporation. All rights reserved.
Lines: 147
Subject: Paper On Abductions. Part 6 of 6.
Maybe I have left you people with the wrong impression of what I think
about the space people. In my opinion most (about 95 per cent) of the space
people are good. It is only the Grays (who I think are about half way bad)
and the Reptilians (who seem to be as mad as everything at us to begin with)
are giving us a rough time.
<Tom> Yeah, who do they think they are, anyway?
<Crow> Aliens go home!
<Mike> Get your own cattle to mutilate!
<Crow> Buncha jerks.
People don't seem very interested in people like the ones from Venus and
Mt. Shasta
<Mike> I always preferred it when the aliens came from Mt. 7-Up.
who are able to show us how to overcome death, disease and all of
our problems.
<Tom> Do you want to overcome death, disease, and all of our problems?
<All> Sure! We all do!
We seem to be only interested in contacting a group of space
people who will show us how to zap our fellow men and women.
<All> RADAR!
I know not all
Earth people think thas way but it appears that our leaders do.
<All> (quietly) Desslok... Desslok... Desslok...
So, I will now put down the last part of the information about abductions.
This information is terrible
<Crow> Ain't that the truth!
and will give you bad dreams.
<Tom> This post is giving me bad dreams already.
I wouldn't
recommend it be put in any report to try to get a good grade.
<Crow> Ah... oh, I see. Humor.
<Tom> John_-_, you wacky card you!
Here we go;...............................................................
<All> (lift their arms and yell as if riding a rollercoaster down a hill)
............................................................................
<Crow> Whee! That was fun. Can we leave now?
The most recent research in which I've been involved
<Tom> ...concerning heavy doses of psychoactive drugs...
has turned up yet a
second sort of screening process. If it turns out to be accurate, then
thousands of abduction cases are in urgent need of re-examination.
<Mike> And hey, who's more qualified?
The typical scenario of undergoing the regressive hypnosis usually results
in penetration of the initial blocked memories.
<Crow> Ahh...
<Mike> Careful, Crow.
<Crow> Oh, it's too easy, anyway.
The abductee then recalls an encounter, hitherto unremembered, such as
undergoing a physical examination of some sort, perhaps having body tissues
removed or having a gynecological exam.
<Mike> Geez, I knew Clinton's health plan was going to mean some changes, but
_this_...
Other typical reports include the
taking of sperm and ova, of being told of an important task to be carried
out,
<Tom> (alien voice) Tell the Net about your experiences. Make yourself look
foolish!
<Crow> Barricade yourself in your house and demand forty million helicopters
and a dollar!
<Mike> Learn how to spit a dime!
<Tom> And be sure to brush after every meal!
<Crow> Wash behind your ears!
<Mike> Phone your mother every Sunday!
<Tom> Write if you get work!
<Crow> Never put a campfire out with your face!
or of receiving a warning of upcoming disaster.
<Crow> Like an impending J_-_W post!
And in most cases, both the abductee and the investigator come away from
the hypnosis session feeling that they have discovered the truth about the
experience. Rationalization leads them to believe that the aliens' purposes
must be scientifically objective or benevolent.
<Mike> Well, sure. What better reason to travel hundreds of lightyears across
space and contact the Earth, than to kidnap people, give them cryptic
instructions and then leave again?
The less threatening and
more benevolent the hypnotically recalled event seems, the more satisfied
are the investigator and the abductee. "That wasn't so bad, now, was it?
These beings are our friends, or at least they are not our enemies."
<Tom> ...said Senator Jesse Helms in a recent press conference. When asked to
explain what this meant, Senator Helms merely stuck his fingers in his ears,
yelled out "I can't heeeeear you" and began singing the National Anthem very
loudly.
And everyone goes away with a sense of relief.
<Mike> It was good for me... was it good for you, too?
I have yet to hear of a
researcher who actually questions the uncovered scenario.
But from several recent cases, it is apparent that these recovered memories
may will also be
<Tom> For God's sake, man! Pick a conjunction and STICK WITH IT!
yet another screen, masking events that are much more
reprehensible. I will explain one such case, to make the point clear.
<Mike> Thank you so much.
<Crow> NOT!
A Strange Report
A man in his late 40's
<Mike> Whose name shall remain anonymous.
<Tom> Even though it was really Arthur Smith, of 4306 Grove Street, Buffalo,
New York.
came to us to explore several alien-related events
in his life, and in the interview he told of a strange, although not
appparently alien-oriented episode that had haunted him since childhood.
<Crow> It was an episode of "My Two Dads."
<Mike> That'd haunt _me_...
When
he was ten years old, his grandmother come to visit in his home, and since
the house was small, she shared his bed on the first night of her visit.
<Mike> Don't say it, Crow.
<Crow> Hey, I've got _some_ standards, Nelson!
During the night, the boy was awakened by a loud male voice. He couldn't
understand what the voice was saying, but it sounded angry and was addressing
the grandmother lying beside him.
<Mike> When the evil inhuman voice from an alien planet sounds as close as
the next room... that's AT&T.
The next morning, he asked his grandmother, "What was that voice in the
bedroom last night?
<Tom> And for twenty points, the answer is...?
His grandmother, with tears in her eyes, pulled him tightly to her and
said, "That was the devil."
<Tom> (makes buzzing noise) Sorry, that's the wrong answer, but we have some
lovely parting gifts for you.
She said nothing more about the episode,
<Mike> Overall, I'd say that's the best way to handle "My Two Dads."
<Tom> Mmm-hmm.
but
she did insist that her son take her back to her own home immediately. It
was an unreasonsable request, and her son tried to talk her out of it.
<Tom> Yeah, next thing you'll be wanting us to _feed_ you or something!
But
the grandmother was adamant, and finally her son agreed to take her home
the following day.
The entire family made the trip of over a humdred miles back to the
grandmother's farm,
<Crow> Over the river and through the woods...
<Tom> Through the slimy mutation-infested wasteland...
<Crow> To Grandmother's farm we go!
<Mike> All right, you kids, if you aren't quiet back there I'm turning this
post around.
<Tom> Oh, if only you could, Nelson. If only you could.
and within an hour of their arrival, the grandmother
suffered a massive stroke and died. Ever since that event, the man had
felt a heavy burden of guilt associated with his grandmother's death. Yet
there was no conscious reason for him to have felt that way. The entire event
was poignant
<Mike> Academy members, vote now.
and mystifying,
<Crow> Heh... well...
but in all the alien encounters he had
subsequently undergone, he had felt that the aliens were his friends and were
helping him by expanding his psychic abilities.
A regression session was arranged, and in the course of the hypnosis, he
was asked to look at that childhood experience.
<Mike> (German accent) Tell me about your grandmother.
What he recalled was an
abduction in which he and his grandmother were taken to a spacecraft in the
company of reptilian aliens.
<Crow> Aw, I saw this one already! The aliens are really, like, eating the
humans and stealing Earth's water, right?
<Mike> No, Crow, you're thinking of "V".
<Crow> Oh, yeah. (pause) I _liked_ "V".
He remembered the aliens telling his grandmother
that they were interested in learning about her knowledge of medicinal herbs.
<Crow> (old lady voice) Now, this one is cannabis and these over here are
poppies...
<Tom> (old lady voice) You know, if you arrange them in the sunlight over
here they'll grow much faster.
<Crow> Really?
<Tom> Ooo, yah, they will indeed.
And they offered to exchange medical information of their own.
<Tom> Dramatic pause.
They gave the boy and the grandmother a liquid to drink, explaining that
it was beneficial and would make the grandmother feel young and attractive
again.
<Mike> Go on. Try it.
<Tom> Everybody's doing it.
<Crow> It'll make you feel good...
So both of them drank the liquid, and the man remembered seeing
the grandmother indeed looking much younger. That was the extent of his
recollection.
<Tom> (petulantly) Hooray for modern medical science. Does that mean we can
go now?
Both he and Ms.Bartholic, who was conducting the regression,
<Crow> Fresh from an 18-month tour with the New York Philharmonic.
were puzzled
by this, because there was nothing in the episode to account for the guilt
he had felt about the grandmother's death.
<Crow> Ahh, you mean we suffered through all 23 minutes of that tripe for
_nothing_? Damn network TV.
So Ms. Bartholic deepened the
man's trance level
<Tom> But... _how_?
<Mike> Why, with _radar_!
and asked him to look at it again, with much clearer
vision. And what he then recalled was much more disturbing.
<Tom> Mitchell!
The abduction, at first, followed his initial recollection. But when the
liquid was drunk,
<Crow> (Arthur Dent) What's so unpleasant about being drunk?
<Mike> (Ford Prefect) Go and ask a glass of water.
he now remembered a very strong feeling of change in his
body.
<Tom> Hey, look! A nickel... a bunch of pennies... wow! Here's a quarter!
And he saw that the grandmother didn't actually look younger.
<Mike> This whole series of alien-backed youth serum scams is the biggest
reason why we need the FDA, ladies and gentlemen.
Instead
she was placed on a table
<Tom> Heh heh... let's see now. "To Serve Man..."
and approached by one of the reptilian aliens who
wanted to have intercourse with her.
<Tom> Whoa!
<Mike> Hey, just a minute...
<Crow> Now _this_ post has definitely taken a _sharp_ right turn.
<Tom> Are the Reptilians this hard up for dates, or something?
<Mike> "Reptilia Needs Women."
The liguid acted as an aphrodisiax, yet
the grandmother resisted and said that since her husband's death she would
not have sex with anyone. The reptilian laughted and disappeared from the
room momentarily.
<Tom> Shazam!
When he returned, he was accompanied by a man who looked
exactly like the dead husband.
<Crow> Ah, do you guys do weddings and bar mitzvahs, too?
At this point, the grandmother agreed to have sex, but as the act was in
progrss, she suddenly realized that the image of her dead husband was a
cruel illusion. It was actully the reptilian on top of her, and she cried
out in great resistance for him to leave her alone.
<Mike> Aw, _geez_...
<Tom> Do we have to read this?
Once he was finsished
with her, he lifted up the little boy and place him on top of the
grandmother, forcintg another sex act upon the both of them.
<Mike> (standing up) All right, that's _it_!
<Tom> John_-_Winston, you are one sick puppy.
<Mike> You guys are too young to see this stuff. Heck, _I'm_ too young to see
this stuff.
Then the grandmother was removed from the table and the little boy was
victimized himself by the reptilian, forced to have anal and oral sex. The
grandmother protesed violently, pushing the reptilian away from her grandson
and interposing her body between them. "By Jesus," she shouted, "you will
not touch this boy!"
<Mike> You know, I'm kind of glad that he's just making all this stuff up.
<Crow> Are you sure that's a reassuring thought, Nelson?
<Mike> Uh...
That must have been the wrong thing to say, because the reptilian became
very angry and threatened her.
<Mike> A romantic "don't," in other words.
"You will die for that!" he told her,
<Tom> I WILL kill YOU!
and
the two people were returned to the bedroom from which they'd been taken.
<Crow> Ah. Well, now, that wasn't such a bad night out, was it.
<Tom> Eww.
<Mike> And _you_ said your friends were _nice_ people!
The next morning, the grandmother told the little boy that the devil had
been there the night before, and that was when she insisted upon being taken
home.
<Tom> Oh, great. The post's starting over again!
And, as it turned out, she did die immediately thereafter.
<Crow> Don't worry, Servo. See? It's just the edited highlights.
<Tom> Then there wouldn't be anything but a blank space. Heh...
This, then, was the cause of the man's lifelong sense of guilt about her
death.
<Mike> Aha. All the pieces are falling into place.
He had been forced to have sex with her, and her death had followed
shortly after. But none of this story would have emerged if Ms. Bartholic
had done as most investigators do and stopped the regression after uncovering
the story about the exchange of medicinal knowledge.
<Crow> And that would be a _bad_ thing?
JW So concludes the information about abductions.
<Tom> And not a moment too soon. Yuck.
Source of Information: The magazine UFO Universe, Spring 1993. The article
was called ALIEN ABDUCTIONS IN THE GINGERBREAD HOUSE BY DR. Karla Turner.
<Tom> That's it! The alien abductions are being done by... Dr. Karla Turner!
<Mike> And it was staring us in the face all this time! Right, lock her up.
<Tom> (Dragnet voice) Dr. Karla Turner was tried and sentenced to 8,000 years
in a federal penitentiary for involvement in a series of alien abductions...
<Crow> Oh, then it's a happy ending!
The End. Part 6 of 6.
<All> Yaaay!
<Mike> It's the "feel-good" post of the year!
John Winston.
<All> Bye, John!
<Mike> And we're outta here!
1...2...3...4...5...6...*...
(Scene: The Satellite o' Love Bridge. It's darkened, as if in the night
cycle. Crow is sleeping in a little bed on the desk.)
<Crow> (waking up) AAAAAHHH!!!
(Mike, Tom, and Gypsy rush in. The lights come on.)
<Mike> Crow! Ol' buddy! What's the matter? It sounds like you had a bad
dream!
<Crow> (sobbing) Oh, Mike! It was horrible! It's all that post's fault. I
dreamed that the Reptilians came and kidnapped me! It was so awful!
<Tom> Easy, Crow!
<Crow> Waaah! Scared of Grays! Scared of Reptilians!
<Mike> Listen, Crow. There's no such thing as Grays or Reptilians.
<Crow> (sniffling) Really?
<Mike> Really, my impressionable metal friend. These evil aliens are just
figments of the imagination of that wacky old John_-_Winston out there. I
mean, sure, the story was awful, but "Village of the Giants" was worse,
right?
<Crow> Well, I'll give you that...
<Mike> And that didn't cause any _permanent_ damage.
<Tom> Not for lack of trying, though. (shudders)
<Mike> So you see, Crow? It's just a Usenet post. It's not real.
<Crow> Honest? For sure?
<Mike> Honest. For sure. Go back to sleep, little pal.
<Crow> Okay. Thanks, Mike.
(The others start leaving.)
<Crow> Mike?
<Mike> (patiently) Yeah, Crow?
<Crow> Scared of John_-_Winston.
(Mike, Tom, and Gypsy all look at each other for a moment.)
<All> AAAAAHHH!!!
(Scene: Deep 13. Dr. Forrester watches the monitor intently.)
<Dr. F> Hey, Frank. Get over here!
<Frank> What's up, Clay?
<Dr. F> Look at that!
(Quick shot of the SOL Bridge. Everyone is racing around, yelling and
screaming.)
<Dr. F> I've done it! I've finally broken them! Ahahahaha!
<Frank> Hahahahahaha!
<Dr. F> Hahaha hahaha!
<Frank> Hahahahaha!
<Dr. F> Ah, hahahahaha!
<Frank> Uh, what are we laughing about?
<Dr. F> I'm not sure. Hahahahaha!
<Frank> Ahahahaha!
(SOL Bridge)
<Mike> What's going on down there?
<Crow> Maybe they left the nitrous oxide valve open again.
<Mike> Dr. F.? Frank? You guys okay?
(Deep 13)
<Dr. F> Hahahahaha!
<Frank> Ah, hahahahahahaha!
<Dr. F> Hahaha! Push the button, Frank.
\ | /
\|/
--*-- click!
/|\
/ | \
<Frank> Ah-hahaha!
<Dr. F> Shut up, Frank.
======================================
Credits:
MSTified by Mark Sachs
A You Rebel Scum, Inc. Production
Disclaimer: MST3K and related characters/settings/situations are the
property of BBI, however they had nothing to do with writing this up.
This mystification was done for the express purpose of entertainment,
and is not meant as a personal attack on the original author(s) in any
way. I stole this disclaimer from Rob Brunskill because I was too lazy
to write my own; I hope he doesn't mind.
What do you think, sirs?
-Mark
>"That wasn't so bad, now, was it? These beings are our friends, or at
>least they are not our enemies." And everyone goes away with a sense
>of relief.
Andrija Popovic
in my direction. Then the guy next to me though everyone was staring at him,
screamed "You lookin' at me?!!!," yanked this Uzi from his backpack and...
well, let's not get into that right now. Not really pertinant.
Anyway, let's have a big Penn State round of applause for Mark Sachs!
[CUT TO shot of Beaver Stadium, filled the the brim. The crowd chants:]
CROWD: Jeig Jion! Jeig Jion!
[moments later, the whole university is crushed by a falling space station.]
Hmmm... so that's what happened to Babylon 4. ;-)
0tt0 (arp...@psuvm.psu.edu)
"CROW: It think I saw the outtakes for this film...
MIKE: Where? "Bloopers and Practical Jokes?"
CROW: No, _Faces of Death_." _The Outlaw_, Mystery Science Theatre
3000
J. M. Pinc
><Crow> Wash behind your ears!
><Mike> Phone your mother every Sunday!
AHHHHHHHHH! The truth becomes clear now! THe aliens are agents of
BARNEY!!! Get your guns folks.
--
* Just repeat to yourself it's just a .sig *
* I should really just relax. *
* jmp...@teleport.com *
* jmp...@technical.powells.portland.or.us *