[MiSTied] Mars Invades DC 2/3
Claye Hodge
[SOL]
[Mike is connecting cords to a small tv. Tom is reading a *thick* manual.]
TOM: Ok, make sure the switch box is connected directly to the input cable.
MIKE: Ok, I'm connecting the input cable now. [continues to work on the
cords.]
TOM: You really think this manual will really show how to descramble?
MIKE: Yeah, but if not, that'll mean eighteen dollars down the toilet.
TOM: You paid eighteen dollars for this manual???
MIKE: Well, I figured it was worth trying. Ok, what's next??
TOM: Make sure the coax cable is connected to both the TV and the satellite
dish.
MIKE: It looks secure on my side.. Let's check how Crow is doing. Cambot,
give me Rocket Number Nine... Crow? Is everything working up there on
your end? [We then see the outside of part of the SOL {Closer view
than was done with Weather Servo-9.] Crow, wearing a rocket pack is
working on the TV Satellite Dish.]
CROW: Yeah, everything is working fine here. Good thing we had twenty feet
worth of cable. It barely reached the Satellite.
MIKE:[voice] Ok Crow, let us know when to turn it on.
CROW: I'm pushing this last switch. That should do it.
[Interior of SOL]
MIKE: Ok, Crow.
CROW:[voice] I'm coming in.
TOM: I hope this works.
MIKE: We'll see. [Mike turns on the TV.]
MIKE & TOM: HUH??? XUXA?!?
TOM: Try turning the channel..
MIKE: Ok. [Mike turns the channel.] Aww.. She's on every channel. [Crow
comes on screen.]
CROW: Hey! So, what did we get? [Looks at the TV.] Oh...
TOM: You could get that on a local channel.
MIKE: Crow, are you sure you connected everything?
CROW: Yes. Servo was the one reading the manual, I bet HE goofed up.
TOM: HEY! [Mike checks the manual.]
MIKE: From what it says here, we did everything.[Mike turns the TV off.] I
guess that's eighteen dollars worth nothing. [Post sign lights flash.]
ALL: POOOOOOST SIIIIIIIIIIIIGN!!!!!!!! [Everybody panics and heads for the
theater.]
[{}...6...5...4...3...2...@...]
[Mike and the bots enter the theater.]
CROW: Oh well, better luck next time.
>
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>They guarantee to beat all their competitors' prices.
MIKE: And pass the savings on to YOU! [whip sound]
> Sometimes they are
>less than half of the next best deal I have been able to find and other
>times, just a little cheaper - but I have never found a lower rate yet.
TOM: Boy were you a dope!
>They assured me that if I ever do, they will beat it.
CROW: But can I beat YOU?
>
>They have been very helpful and helped me change my address from the USA
>to Finland when I moved last month. They are very knowledgeable about
>addressing mags worldwide.
MIKE: AND about Anonymous services.
>
>They have a deal where you can get a free 1 yr. sub to a new magazine from
>a special list of over 275 popular titles published in the USA. They will
>give you this free 1 yr. sub when you place your first paid order with
>them to a renewal or new subscription to any of the over 1,500 different
>popular titles they sell.
CROW: Wait, you get free, one year subscription of a choice of one out of two
hundred seventy five magazines in the US, when you place a renewal
or subscription to any of the one thousand five hundred different
popular titles?? That doesn't make sense!
MIKE: I'll explain. You get to choose one out of two hundred seventy five
popular magazine titles in the US as your free subscription, when you
renew or make a new subscription to any of the thousand popular titles.
CROW: That's it?
MIKE: That's it.
CROW: Well, WHY DIDN'T SHE SAY THAT???
MIKE: I think she did.
CROW: DOH!
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>They can arrange delivery to virtually any country and I think they have
>clients in around 35 or 36 countries now.
TOM: Big deal. I have fifty eight.
> Outside the USA there is a
>charge for foreign postage and handling (on both paid and freebie subs)
MIKE: Yep, I knew there was something to this.
>that varies from magazine to magazine. I have found their staff to be
>very friendly and courteous. They even helped me with an address change
>when I moved from one country to another.
CROW: Like the way you move from one newsgroup to another newsgroup with
this garbage?
>
>The owner thinks of his service as a "club" and his clients as "members"
TOM: Remember, I'm not only the owner of this magazine subscription agency.
I'm also.. a client.
>(even though there is no extra fee to become a member - your first
>purchase automatically makes you a member) and he is real picky about who
>he accepts as a new member.
MIKE: Nitpicker.
> When he sets you up as a new member, he
>himself calls you personally on the phone to
CROW: do crank calls, and to harass you.
> explain how he works his
>deal, or sometimes he has one of his assistants call. He is kind of
>quirky sometimes - he insists on setting up new members by phone so he can
>say hi to everyone (I sure wouldn't want to have his phone bills!), but
TOM: Persistant little fella, isn't he?
>you can place future orders (after your first order) via E-mail.
>
>He has some really friendly young ladies working for him, who seem to know
>just as much as he does about this magazine stuff.
CROW: I bet they also know about.. [Mike clamps down on Crow's beak.]
Mphmhmph...
MIKE: I don't think so... Promise you'll be good and I'll let you go.
CROW: Mmm pmmmmph.
MIKE: Good. [Mike lets go of Crow's beak.]
> If you live overseas,
>he will even call you there, as long as you are interested,
CROW: In him or the magazines? OW! You didn't have to hit me!
> but I think he
>still makes all his overseas calls on the weekends, I guess cause the long
>distance rates are cheaper then.
>
>He only likes to take new members from referrals from satisfied existing
>members and he does virtually no advertising-
CROW:[whistles two notes.] No advertising.
> so you can email me and I
>will forward your message on to him as a referral. When I got set-up,
TOM: Boy, this guy IS a slimeball.
MIKE: Not you, too?
>they had a 2-3 week waiting list for new members to be called back so that
>they could join up. (Once you are an existing member,
MIKE: They shun you.
> they help you
>immediately when you call. ) I think they are able to get back to
>prospective new members the same day or within a few days now, as they
>have increased their staff. I am not sure about this.........but if you
>email me, I will forward your info to them right away.
>
>They will send you some FREE info. via E-mail (the short version (around
TOM: Why can't you give us THEIR e-mail address?
MIKE: I'm sure they've heard of flames and mailbombing.
>40K) of their catalogue, or if you request it the DELUXE LONG VERSION
>(around 400K-big and juicey) !)
ALL: EEEYEEWWWWWWWWWW!!!!
> ...if you fill out the form near the top of
>this message.
>
>They then send you email that outlines how his club works
MIKE: Say ANYTHING and I will turn you off. I DO know where your off
switches are, ya know.
> and the list of
>free choices that you can choose from, as well as the entire list of what
>he sells; and then they will give you a quick (3-5 minute) friendly,
>no-pressure no-obligation call to explain everything to you personally and
TOM: No pressure he says. HA!
>answer all your questions.
>
>Once you get in, you'll love them. I do.
MIKE: Yes, but we don't know who you are.. Remember, you did the anonymous
thingy?
> For more info, just email me and
>I will forward you message to them. Please fill out the form near the top
>of this message (I can't forward you request without that filled in
TOM: Name: Al K. Holic.
CROW: Address: 1313 Mockingbird Lane.
>completely) and email it to me at my email address as shown below. I will
>forward it on to them right away for you.
MIKE:[Alistair] As soon as I go through all of this flame mail.
>
>Thanks,
CROW: Put it in a sock.
>
>Nicky Alistair
MIKE: You suppose this really DID come from Nicky Alistair?
TOM: Anon.penet.fi the REAL troublemakers on the Internet.
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CROW: Ah.
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TOM: Hmph.
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MIKE: Okaaaay...
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CROW:[sighs.] Is that all of it?
MIKE: I don't know.
CROW: Tom? You're the one with the special parts, is it over?
TOM: Not by a long shot.
MIKE & CROW: DOH!!!
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[Tom sighs.]
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MIKE:[Cough] Excuse me.
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CROW: COME ON!! Let's sing a song, or SOMETHING!
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TOM:[singing] Sandy Frank, Sandy Frank...
MIKE: I don't know that one.
TOM: Oh.
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MIKE:[singing] Kathy, Kathy.. You make me daffy...
CROW: I hate that song.
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CROW: La laaa la laa la la laaa, Crow. La laaa la laa la la laa, Crow..
TOM: Oh, like that's better?
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MIKE: Compared to this, the word "Line-feed" is an understatement.
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CROW: I wonder if there really WAS more to this, but someone spilled white-
out all over it.
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CROW: Tom, which is worse? Deep Hurting or this?
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BOTS: THIS!
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MIKE: This just isn't funny anymore!
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CROW: Make it stop... MAKE IT STOP... MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!
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TOM:[whimpering] It hurts inside, and stuff...
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>-------------------------------------------------------------------------
ALL: AAAAH!!!
>To find out more about the anon service, send mail to he...@anon.penet.fi.
CROW: Oh BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
TOM: LOSER, LOSER, LOSER!!!!
MIKE: COME ON!!! ALL THAT WHITE SPACE, FOR THAT???
[several raspberries, and boos are heard.]
>Due to the double-blind, any mail replies to this message will be anonymized,
>and an anonymous id will be allocated automatically. You have been warned.
CROW: It's a little bit LATE FOR A *WARNING*!!!!!!!
[Mike pats Crow.]
>Please report any problems, inappropriate use etc. to ad...@anon.penet.fi.
TOM: Why don't ya look at the above post, you jerk! [SIGH]
[Commercials]
>
>Path:
news1.delphi.com!news.delphi.com!uunet!in1.uu.net!newstf01.news.aol.com!newsbf02
news.aol.com!not-for-mail >From: atla...@aol.com (ATLANFORM)
>Newsgroups: alt.slack
MIKE: Atlanform, alt.slack's version of Ed Wood.
>Subject: The Day Mars Invaded D.C.: 24K post, save & read later
>Date: 15 Mar 1995 21:25:29 -0500
TOM: It was a cloudy day in Washington on March the fifteenth at..
eleven twenty-five at NIGHT???
MIKE: Sloppy. Next time read the whole line before you comment.
>Organization: America Online, Inc. (1-800-827-6364)
>Lines: 296
CROW: AGGGHHH!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
>Sender: ro...@newsbf02.news.aol.com
>Message-ID: <3k87ip$r...@newsbf02.news.aol.com>
>Reply-To: atla...@aol.com (ATLANFORM)
>NNTP-Posting-Host: newsbf02.mail.aol.com
TOM: Would you say he's AOL's version of Ratliff or John _-_ Winston?
>
>
>This story was originally published in U.S. MILITIA Vol. 1, Issue 1
>
> THE DAY MARS INVADED WASHINGTON
> By Kurt Saxon
MIKE: Teleplay by...
>
> Clarence hated Martians.
TOM: One stole his wings.
> He had hated them since he'd watched a science
>fiction story on Martian invaders a few weeks before on the ward's TV.
MIKE: But that was a Warner Brothers cartoon. Remember when Sylvester and
his buddies dressed like martians...
>This hatred and then fear was reinforced by a rerun of the old Kevin
>McCarthy version of "Invasion of the Body Snatchers".
CROW: He watches TV too much.
> He was the only
>person in the State Hospital who realized the Martians were getting in
>just like plant pods,
TOM: State Hospital? That explains it then.
> growing bodies occupied by the souls of Martians.
MIKE: I thought that happened in Aliens, with Sigourney Weaver.
> To Clarence, movies were true and on purpose.
[Mike and the bots laugh.]
> They were made and
>shown to alert him to the dangers to those he loved,
CROW: This guy IS a nutcase!
> which was everybody.
TOM: He thinks he's Barney, now.
>He retained them and called up incidents from them in flashbacks whenever
>he was uncertain. His guides saw to that.
MIKE: Who are his guides?? Al and Ziggy?
CROW:[Al] CLARENCE!
> So Clarence knew all about the Martians. But his doctor would not
>believe him. Not even when he told him, in great detail, the explanations
>given to him by the voices who counseled him and warned him of the danger
>to the country from the Martians.
CROW: I bet his invisible friend didn't believe him, either.
> The attendants wouldn't listen and
>some even laughed.
TOM: Oh, the attendants on the psychiatric ward?
> Then his doctor had a stroke and had to go on indefinite leave.
MIKE: Like we are REALLY going to believe that one.
> About
>that time, orders came to release the non-violents to make room for more
>patients. Overcrowding and under staffing made Clarence a good candidate
CROW: For the padded cell.
>for release. He was a gentle, caring person and his voices had never
>encouraged any troublesome conduct.
MIKE: Now he listens to voices.. WHAT NEXT???
> Had his doctor been there he would have warned the board. But he wasn't
>there and his scrawls were hard to read. Anyway, all those psychiatric
>terms were Greek to the social workers on the board. This amiable
>schizophrenic would be no problem, even if he did hate Martians.
TOM: Just hide the knives.
Claye Hodge
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