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[MiSTied] Mars Invades DC 2/3

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Claye Hodge

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Mar 29, 1995, 9:48:25 PM3/29/95
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[SOL]

[Mike is connecting cords to a small tv. Tom is reading a *thick* manual.]
TOM: Ok, make sure the switch box is connected directly to the input cable.
MIKE: Ok, I'm connecting the input cable now. [continues to work on the
cords.]
TOM: You really think this manual will really show how to descramble?
MIKE: Yeah, but if not, that'll mean eighteen dollars down the toilet.
TOM: You paid eighteen dollars for this manual???
MIKE: Well, I figured it was worth trying. Ok, what's next??
TOM: Make sure the coax cable is connected to both the TV and the satellite
dish.
MIKE: It looks secure on my side.. Let's check how Crow is doing. Cambot,
give me Rocket Number Nine... Crow? Is everything working up there on
your end? [We then see the outside of part of the SOL {Closer view
than was done with Weather Servo-9.] Crow, wearing a rocket pack is
working on the TV Satellite Dish.]
CROW: Yeah, everything is working fine here. Good thing we had twenty feet
worth of cable. It barely reached the Satellite.
MIKE:[voice] Ok Crow, let us know when to turn it on.
CROW: I'm pushing this last switch. That should do it.
[Interior of SOL]
MIKE: Ok, Crow.
CROW:[voice] I'm coming in.
TOM: I hope this works.
MIKE: We'll see. [Mike turns on the TV.]
MIKE & TOM: HUH??? XUXA?!?
TOM: Try turning the channel..
MIKE: Ok. [Mike turns the channel.] Aww.. She's on every channel. [Crow
comes on screen.]
CROW: Hey! So, what did we get? [Looks at the TV.] Oh...
TOM: You could get that on a local channel.
MIKE: Crow, are you sure you connected everything?
CROW: Yes. Servo was the one reading the manual, I bet HE goofed up.
TOM: HEY! [Mike checks the manual.]
MIKE: From what it says here, we did everything.[Mike turns the TV off.] I
guess that's eighteen dollars worth nothing. [Post sign lights flash.]
ALL: POOOOOOST SIIIIIIIIIIIIGN!!!!!!!! [Everybody panics and heads for the
theater.]


[{}...6...5...4...3...2...@...]


[Mike and the bots enter the theater.]

CROW: Oh well, better luck next time.

>
>
>They guarantee to beat all their competitors' prices.

MIKE: And pass the savings on to YOU! [whip sound]

> Sometimes they are
>less than half of the next best deal I have been able to find and other
>times, just a little cheaper - but I have never found a lower rate yet.

TOM: Boy were you a dope!

>They assured me that if I ever do, they will beat it.

CROW: But can I beat YOU?

>
>They have been very helpful and helped me change my address from the USA
>to Finland when I moved last month. They are very knowledgeable about
>addressing mags worldwide.

MIKE: AND about Anonymous services.

>
>They have a deal where you can get a free 1 yr. sub to a new magazine from
>a special list of over 275 popular titles published in the USA. They will
>give you this free 1 yr. sub when you place your first paid order with
>them to a renewal or new subscription to any of the over 1,500 different
>popular titles they sell.

CROW: Wait, you get free, one year subscription of a choice of one out of two
hundred seventy five magazines in the US, when you place a renewal
or subscription to any of the one thousand five hundred different
popular titles?? That doesn't make sense!
MIKE: I'll explain. You get to choose one out of two hundred seventy five
popular magazine titles in the US as your free subscription, when you
renew or make a new subscription to any of the thousand popular titles.
CROW: That's it?
MIKE: That's it.
CROW: Well, WHY DIDN'T SHE SAY THAT???
MIKE: I think she did.
CROW: DOH!

>
>They can arrange delivery to virtually any country and I think they have
>clients in around 35 or 36 countries now.

TOM: Big deal. I have fifty eight.

> Outside the USA there is a
>charge for foreign postage and handling (on both paid and freebie subs)

MIKE: Yep, I knew there was something to this.

>that varies from magazine to magazine. I have found their staff to be
>very friendly and courteous. They even helped me with an address change
>when I moved from one country to another.

CROW: Like the way you move from one newsgroup to another newsgroup with
this garbage?

>
>The owner thinks of his service as a "club" and his clients as "members"

TOM: Remember, I'm not only the owner of this magazine subscription agency.
I'm also.. a client.

>(even though there is no extra fee to become a member - your first
>purchase automatically makes you a member) and he is real picky about who
>he accepts as a new member.

MIKE: Nitpicker.

> When he sets you up as a new member, he
>himself calls you personally on the phone to

CROW: do crank calls, and to harass you.

> explain how he works his
>deal, or sometimes he has one of his assistants call. He is kind of
>quirky sometimes - he insists on setting up new members by phone so he can
>say hi to everyone (I sure wouldn't want to have his phone bills!), but

TOM: Persistant little fella, isn't he?

>you can place future orders (after your first order) via E-mail.
>
>He has some really friendly young ladies working for him, who seem to know
>just as much as he does about this magazine stuff.

CROW: I bet they also know about.. [Mike clamps down on Crow's beak.]
Mphmhmph...
MIKE: I don't think so... Promise you'll be good and I'll let you go.
CROW: Mmm pmmmmph.
MIKE: Good. [Mike lets go of Crow's beak.]

> If you live overseas,
>he will even call you there, as long as you are interested,

CROW: In him or the magazines? OW! You didn't have to hit me!

> but I think he
>still makes all his overseas calls on the weekends, I guess cause the long
>distance rates are cheaper then.
>
>He only likes to take new members from referrals from satisfied existing
>members and he does virtually no advertising-

CROW:[whistles two notes.] No advertising.

> so you can email me and I
>will forward your message on to him as a referral. When I got set-up,

TOM: Boy, this guy IS a slimeball.
MIKE: Not you, too?

>they had a 2-3 week waiting list for new members to be called back so that
>they could join up. (Once you are an existing member,

MIKE: They shun you.

> they help you
>immediately when you call. ) I think they are able to get back to
>prospective new members the same day or within a few days now, as they
>have increased their staff. I am not sure about this.........but if you
>email me, I will forward your info to them right away.
>
>They will send you some FREE info. via E-mail (the short version (around

TOM: Why can't you give us THEIR e-mail address?
MIKE: I'm sure they've heard of flames and mailbombing.

>40K) of their catalogue, or if you request it the DELUXE LONG VERSION
>(around 400K-big and juicey) !)

ALL: EEEYEEWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

> ...if you fill out the form near the top of
>this message.
>
>They then send you email that outlines how his club works

MIKE: Say ANYTHING and I will turn you off. I DO know where your off
switches are, ya know.

> and the list of
>free choices that you can choose from, as well as the entire list of what
>he sells; and then they will give you a quick (3-5 minute) friendly,
>no-pressure no-obligation call to explain everything to you personally and

TOM: No pressure he says. HA!

>answer all your questions.
>
>Once you get in, you'll love them. I do.

MIKE: Yes, but we don't know who you are.. Remember, you did the anonymous
thingy?

> For more info, just email me and
>I will forward you message to them. Please fill out the form near the top
>of this message (I can't forward you request without that filled in

TOM: Name: Al K. Holic.
CROW: Address: 1313 Mockingbird Lane.

>completely) and email it to me at my email address as shown below. I will
>forward it on to them right away for you.

MIKE:[Alistair] As soon as I go through all of this flame mail.

>
>Thanks,

CROW: Put it in a sock.

>
>Nicky Alistair

MIKE: You suppose this really DID come from Nicky Alistair?

>
>na17...@anon.penet.fi

TOM: Anon.penet.fi the REAL troublemakers on the Internet.

>
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CROW: Ah.

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TOM: Hmph.

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MIKE: Okaaaay...

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CROW:[sighs.] Is that all of it?
MIKE: I don't know.
CROW: Tom? You're the one with the special parts, is it over?
TOM: Not by a long shot.
MIKE & CROW: DOH!!!

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[Tom sighs.]

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MIKE:[Cough] Excuse me.

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CROW: COME ON!! Let's sing a song, or SOMETHING!

>
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TOM:[singing] Sandy Frank, Sandy Frank...
MIKE: I don't know that one.
TOM: Oh.

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MIKE:[singing] Kathy, Kathy.. You make me daffy...
CROW: I hate that song.

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CROW: La laaa la laa la la laaa, Crow. La laaa la laa la la laa, Crow..
TOM: Oh, like that's better?

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MIKE: Compared to this, the word "Line-feed" is an understatement.

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CROW: I wonder if there really WAS more to this, but someone spilled white-
out all over it.

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CROW: Tom, which is worse? Deep Hurting or this?

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BOTS: THIS!

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MIKE: This just isn't funny anymore!

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CROW: Make it stop... MAKE IT STOP... MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!

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TOM:[whimpering] It hurts inside, and stuff...

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>-------------------------------------------------------------------------

ALL: AAAAH!!!

>To find out more about the anon service, send mail to he...@anon.penet.fi.

CROW: Oh BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
TOM: LOSER, LOSER, LOSER!!!!
MIKE: COME ON!!! ALL THAT WHITE SPACE, FOR THAT???
[several raspberries, and boos are heard.]

>Due to the double-blind, any mail replies to this message will be anonymized,
>and an anonymous id will be allocated automatically. You have been warned.

CROW: It's a little bit LATE FOR A *WARNING*!!!!!!!
[Mike pats Crow.]

>Please report any problems, inappropriate use etc. to ad...@anon.penet.fi.

TOM: Why don't ya look at the above post, you jerk! [SIGH]


[Commercials]


>
>Path:
news1.delphi.com!news.delphi.com!uunet!in1.uu.net!newstf01.news.aol.com!newsbf02
news.aol.com!not-for-mail >From: atla...@aol.com (ATLANFORM)

>Newsgroups: alt.slack

MIKE: Atlanform, alt.slack's version of Ed Wood.

>Subject: The Day Mars Invaded D.C.: 24K post, save & read later
>Date: 15 Mar 1995 21:25:29 -0500

TOM: It was a cloudy day in Washington on March the fifteenth at..
eleven twenty-five at NIGHT???
MIKE: Sloppy. Next time read the whole line before you comment.

>Organization: America Online, Inc. (1-800-827-6364)
>Lines: 296

CROW: AGGGHHH!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

>Sender: ro...@newsbf02.news.aol.com
>Message-ID: <3k87ip$r...@newsbf02.news.aol.com>
>Reply-To: atla...@aol.com (ATLANFORM)
>NNTP-Posting-Host: newsbf02.mail.aol.com

TOM: Would you say he's AOL's version of Ratliff or John _-_ Winston?

>
>
>This story was originally published in U.S. MILITIA Vol. 1, Issue 1
>
> THE DAY MARS INVADED WASHINGTON
> By Kurt Saxon

MIKE: Teleplay by...

>
> Clarence hated Martians.

TOM: One stole his wings.

> He had hated them since he'd watched a science
>fiction story on Martian invaders a few weeks before on the ward's TV.

MIKE: But that was a Warner Brothers cartoon. Remember when Sylvester and
his buddies dressed like martians...

>This hatred and then fear was reinforced by a rerun of the old Kevin
>McCarthy version of "Invasion of the Body Snatchers".

CROW: He watches TV too much.

> He was the only
>person in the State Hospital who realized the Martians were getting in
>just like plant pods,

TOM: State Hospital? That explains it then.

> growing bodies occupied by the souls of Martians.

MIKE: I thought that happened in Aliens, with Sigourney Weaver.

> To Clarence, movies were true and on purpose.

[Mike and the bots laugh.]

> They were made and
>shown to alert him to the dangers to those he loved,

CROW: This guy IS a nutcase!

> which was everybody.

TOM: He thinks he's Barney, now.

>He retained them and called up incidents from them in flashbacks whenever
>he was uncertain. His guides saw to that.

MIKE: Who are his guides?? Al and Ziggy?
CROW:[Al] CLARENCE!

> So Clarence knew all about the Martians. But his doctor would not
>believe him. Not even when he told him, in great detail, the explanations
>given to him by the voices who counseled him and warned him of the danger
>to the country from the Martians.

CROW: I bet his invisible friend didn't believe him, either.

> The attendants wouldn't listen and
>some even laughed.

TOM: Oh, the attendants on the psychiatric ward?

> Then his doctor had a stroke and had to go on indefinite leave.

MIKE: Like we are REALLY going to believe that one.

> About
>that time, orders came to release the non-violents to make room for more
>patients. Overcrowding and under staffing made Clarence a good candidate

CROW: For the padded cell.

>for release. He was a gentle, caring person and his voices had never
>encouraged any troublesome conduct.

MIKE: Now he listens to voices.. WHAT NEXT???

> Had his doctor been there he would have warned the board. But he wasn't
>there and his scrawls were hard to read. Anyway, all those psychiatric
>terms were Greek to the social workers on the board. This amiable
>schizophrenic would be no problem, even if he did hate Martians.

TOM: Just hide the knives.


Claye Hodge


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