MSTied: GROOM LAKE - CONCENTRATION CAMP
sl...@cc.usu.edu
[insert Love Theme here]
<SOL; Crow, Tom, and Gypsy are all dressed in pinstripe suits, with Tom and
Crow carrying Tommy-guns>
TOM: Greetings pixies, and youse is welcome to watch our contemporary
production of "A Comedy of Errors"
<Mike comes in>
MIKE: Stop!!! This is not how they would do it at the National Theatre! You
want Shakespeare, I'll give you Shakespeare!
<Mike takes off his jumpsuit, and is revealed wearing tights>
MIKE: To be, or not to be!
CROW: Uh, we'll be right back...
<Commercial Sign>
<Mike is holding Tom's head in his hand while Crow and Gypsy look nonplussed>
MIKE: Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him, Horatio!
CROW: Oh, Mike, Romeo and Juliet are calling.
<Deep 13>
DR.F: Put some clothes on for crying out loud, and get with the invention
exchange Miles O'Keefe!
<SOL>
MIKE: Well, sirs, do you remember those ping-pong-ball guns from when you a
kid? Here let me demonstrate, Crow?
CROW: What?
<Mike shoots Crow in the arm>
CROW: Ow, hey that really hurt!
MIKE: Sorry. Anyway, after sustaning lots of bruises, I decided to invent the
heating-pad gun, so you can get healed as you fight. Here Crow, take that!
<Mike shoots Crow with the heating-gun>
CROW: Aaaaaahhhh, that feels SO good...
MIKE: What do you think sirs?
<Deep 13>
DR.F: Well, boobie, my invention this week is the Acid Soaker, based on the
popular Super Soaker, except that this little gadget shoots highly concentrated
amounts of hydrochloric acid. Let me demonstrate on Frank...ooh, Frank?
FRANK: What?
<Dr.F squirts Frank>
FRANK: Aaaaah, my face, it's burning, o God it's BURNING!!!
DR.F: But enough fun, your post this time is a little tidbit from
alt.alien.visitors about an alien concentration camp, enjoy!
<SOL>
CROW: Help Mike, the pad's starting to melt my circuitry...
MIKE: Ok, I got it buddy, and we got ARTICLE SIGN!!!
*...6...5...4...3...2...1...
> Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors
> Subject: GROOM LAKE - CONCENTRATION CAMP?
CROW: You're sure this isn't from alt.conspiracy?
MIKE: I have a bad feeling...
> Message-ID: <CKIMv...@suncad.camosun.bc.ca>
> From: ub...@freenet.Victoria.BC.CA (Pete Snidal)
> Date: Mon, 31 Jan 1994 22:38:19 GMT
> Sender: ne...@suncad.camosun.bc.ca (USENET News System)
> Organization: Camosun College, Victoria, B.C.
> Lines: 147
> As found on another BBS:
TOM: @kooks.com?
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
> WHO'S AFRAID OF THE NEW WORLD ORDER AND ONE WORLD
MIKE: Indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
> GOVERNMENT IN A NUTSHELL; THE SUPER-RICH AND THEIR AGENTS WANT TO
> ENSLAVE US
TOM: If Reagan was still in office!
> AND THE U.S. GOVERNMENT IS PREPARING FOR CIVIL WAR IN
> THE UNITED STATES WHEN U.N. TROOPS ARE CALLED TO CONFISCATE THE
> GUNS OF U.S. CITIZENS.
CROW: But I use my AK-47 for duck hunting!
> Wondering what's happening to the America we all once loved and knew?
> Has it ever occurred to you that all the drugs, and crime, the street
> gangs,
TOM: The endless series of Look Who's Talking movies.
> the drive-by shootings the lone "crazed" gunman randomly
> shooting children in the school-yard; is it possible that all of this
> was planed long ago by an elite group of super-rich banking families
MIKE: Who got tired of Monopoly and wanted to try something new?
> whose lust for power is so great that they desire to control humanity
> through a One World Government, A New World Order?
CROW: Becuase they wanted Comedy Central to have a normal schedule!
> Why are so many Americans and others walking the streets, unemployed,
> many even homeless, living and begging on the streets?
TOM: Because they just graduated from acting school?
> Why are
> scientific books being written which suggest that AIDS is a
> laboratory-created disease?
MIKE: Monkeys, working overtime in a genetics lab, go too far.
> Why, suddenly, are those diseases like tuberculosis, polio, etc.
CROW: Rockin' pneumonia and the boogie-woogie flu!
> which had been "cured" and eliminated, now coming back in a new lethal
> mutated strains?
ALL: It's the media's fault!
> Have you read how this elite group of world planners
> met 30 years ago and designed a project called
TOM: Ward E?
> "Global 2000" a plan to
> create famine, wars, and new diseases
MIKE: and new Gallagher specials!
> so that by the year 2000 the
> population of planet earth would be reduced by 3 billion people?
CROW: Animals vill be bred und zlaughtered!
> Yes,
> there is a world conspiracy so sinister that it is affecting you and
> all Americans, and it is never mentioned in the media,
CROW: Because it doesn't have anything to do with Tonya Harding!
> the controlled
> press, which is owned and controlled by some of these super- rich
> families
TOM: When the Clampetts take over the world!
> who are attempting to bring about the so-called "New World
> Order".
MIKE: Hey, where are the alien visitors?
CROW: Maybe the guy posting it is one?
> This is the same new world order that Adolf Hitler talked and wrote
> about in 1932. "Today Europe, tomorrow
TOM: Broadway!
> the world!" he crowed, speaking
CROW: of his new musical, "Gestapo on Ice"
> of global conquest, Today the cry of One World Planners is; "Today
> America, tomorrow the world!" Through money control
MIKE: And chicks for free.
> But how can they
> conquer our America, with its rich heritage and patriotic citizens?
> Hear is their agenda and how they are doing it:
TOM: First, we mail millions of envelopes with Ed McMahon's picture on them...
> First, and number one is to take away the arms of the people.
CROW: So they can't give each other a hand!
MIKE: Speaking of which...<Mike rips off Crow's arm>
CROW: Ow! Hey!
> Next is
> to take away any means of organizing and communicating so that they
> cannot form groups or large armies.
MIKE: I want Sprint and MCI eliminated, PERMAMENTLY!
> the next thing is to make them
> vulnerable.
TOM: Make them watch Cop Rock!
> If they are homeless, or if they are without food, they
> are subject to mass control and manipulation.
CROW: Subliminal Soup Kitchens open throughout America...
MIKE: I think this guy's been watching "They Live" a bit too much.
> The next thing is to get rid of the opinion makers, the leaders; the
> Christians, because they have certain beliefs, principles and values
> they do not wish to compromise;
TOM: He's never heard of Jimmy Swaggart and Jim Bakker!
> and patriots, those who vocally fight
> to defend our Constitution and its rights and freedoms it guarantees
> to the American people.
CROW: I have the right, the right to party!
> By getting rid of patriots, the planners will
> have eliminated any major resistance to the New World Order and they
> will then be able to tell the remaining people what to do, and they
> will do it.
MIKE: People have no minds of their own.
TOM: Why do you think Rush Limbaugh hasn't been cancelled?
> The Randy Weaver incident in Idaho and the more recent assault on the
> Christians of the Branch Davidians in Waco, Texas, were planned
> exercises with planned killings so the event could be used as a reason
> for disarming the public.
CROW: I thought they showed we should disarm the ATF?
> Our troops in Somalia are there strictly as
> an experiment to see what is entailed in disarming the people of that
> country,
MIKE: Trying to help get food to people is irrelevant.
> going from house to house to confiscate the guns. What is
> learned in Somalia will be applied when foreign UN troops come to
> America to confiscate all the guns.
TOM: Hey, kid, gimme that Super Soaker!
CROW(kid): No, it's mine!
> Psychiatrist who study those who kill children and others at random
> with firearms, report memory loss and other symptoms
MIKE: such as frothing at the mouth, bloodshot eyes, and enjoying Barry
Manilow music...
> of "brain
> washing" which suggests there is a plot to use such people as a means
> to inflame U.S. citizens and demand the government ban all firearms.
CROW: or fire all armbands!
> All the crime you see on television, shows like "Cops" is to show how
> hand guns are being misused and the "good guys" the cops should be the
> only ones who should possess them.
TOM: Even though they've trained and used them more than most people.
> All of this is part of the scenario to confiscate the guns of U.S.
> citizens. But can they do it?
TOM: What do you, the viewers at home think?
> If they pass a law that says you must
> turn in your guns, some will do so, however, there are 170 million
> guns in the U.S. (registered) plus 50 million unregistered,
MIKE: But where are the aliens? I want Zemkla!
ALL: We want Zemkla! WE WANT ZEMKLA!!!
> There are
> 3 million law enforcement officers and military. They fear an uprising
> protesting the New World Order and are being well trained. Street
> gangs are making peace and being trained to do house to house search
CROW(Sally Struthers): Do you want to learn how to perform burglary, sure,
we all do!
> for guns. They will come in the night, wearing black stocking mask.
> they will loot and pillage as their reward. Helicopters will whisk
> away entire families for interrogation and
TOM: free trips to Disneyland for anyone who turns in 10 guns or more!
> probable impoundment in
> concentration camps or extermination camps. Neighbors will be told to
> go back to bed, that it is "only a drug raid."
MIKE(old lady): Oh, jeepers, did you take the pot out of the glove compartment?
> Remember those 180 "closed down" military bases? By January of 95 the
> plan is to have them all converted to
CROW: Junior rodeos with old-timer Billy Slater.
> prisons and concentration camps.
> There is very little time left to alert the public. When it all starts
> coming down, forget calling 911 for the police are in on it too. If
> our guns are confiscated, so are our Constitutional rights and our
TOM: Nutter Butters!
MIKE: Nooo! Take my Constitutional Rights but I need my Nutter Butters!
CROW: Here, have a cashew.
> ability to defend ourselves from gangs and those who would enslave us.
> This will help lay the foundation of a police state. Agents
> possessing guns could also be the Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms (ATF)
> and IRS, local tax collectors, welfare agents etc.
CROW: But there will be those to defend the defenseless and defeat the
defeatless!
> The plans of the New World Order include recalling our money and
> replacing it with
TOM: Monopoly money.
> new colored money,
TOM: D'oh!
> later debit cards and then the
> identi-chip, (the same used today on dogs and cats for tracing the
> owners)
MIKE: Whatever happened to dog tags?
> to be injected by needle into the right hand or the forehead.
> The chip contains 400,000 bytes of information on you.
CROW: Act now and get a 486/66 identi-chip!
> At the
> supermarket you simply pass your hand over, or walk through, a scanner
> and the amount of purchase is removed from your bank account. The chip
> runs on a lithium battery which is recharged by your body heat.
> Eventually the chip starts to leak poison into your body; you will
MIKE: Feel the urge to watch the Tom Arnold show constantly.
> endure great pain and agony, with boils all over your body. (remember
> the "Book of Revelation"?)
TOM: I don't remember reading anything about identi-chips in the Bible...
> A new One World religion based on Masonic beliefs will be started.
CROW: As opposed to one based on Dixonic beliefs?
> When the U.S. is occupied by foreign U.N. troops due to the "national
> emergency"
CROW(Clinton): Yeah, they raised the price on Big Macs!
> the president will call using his "Executive Orders" now in
> affect, there will be mass extermination of people in the U.S. and
> worldwide; our wives and children will be sent overseas to service
TOM: Japanese cars in Korean garages.
> U.N. soldiers in brothels.
> This is a grim scenario and you have read only a small part of it.
CROW: And if you want to read more, wake up and smell the toast burning.
> What can you do? Get the word out. Inform others, Write letters to
TOM: your psychiatrist.
> your politicians, to the editors of news papers, to talk shows, Send
> Fax's, use computer bulletin boards. Tell the world you want no part
MIKE: Of the formula of Coke changing again.
> of the New World Order. The names of the global plotters are known;
CROW: Trace Beaulieu, Kevin Murphy, Mike Nel---
<Mike grabs Crow's beak>
MIKE: Ssshh...you'll blow our cover!
> they include the Rockefellers, the Rothschilds, the Sachs, Warburgs,
> Schiffs, their families and heirs.
TOM: And their poker buddies.
> It includes the Bilderbergers,
> those who own the Federal Reserve Bank, the Council on Foreign
> Relations, the Trilateral Commission etc.
MIKE: And anyone who doesn't believe what I'm saying!
> LETS NOT BE SLAVES TO THE SUPER-RICH OR THE POWER MONGERS! LET'S
> KEEP OUR CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS
CROW: We all have the right to be stupid!
> Get the video: America in Peril run an ad, rent a public hall or
TOM: Record some quality material on it, like the Benny Hill program!
> hotel room and show it to others! For info call: (517) 263-1078. Do it
> now! Also write Police Against the New World Order. PO Box 8787,
TOM: Hopkins, Minnesota, 55343, do it today.
> Phoenix, AZ. 85066. Send $6.00 for their book: "Operation Vampire
> Killer: How to drive a stake through the heart of the New World
> Order."
MIKE: And cut off its head and stuff it with garlic.
> Your very life could depend on it!
> MAKE 30 COPIES OF THIS CHAIN LETTER AND MAIL TO OTHERS! POST ON
> BULLETIN BOARDS! MAKE PEOPLE AWARE
CROW: That people actually think these things!
> ==================================================================
> Comments?
ALL: It stinks!
MIKE: Let's get out of here...
1...2...3...4...5...6...*
<SOL>
CROW: Wow, that was the first time I've ever seen a post get the Film Ventures
treatment!
MIKE: Yeah, why did that get posted to alt.alien.visitors anyway?
TOM: I wanted to see Hal and Zemkla again, instead there's all this stuff about
conspiracies and they never even mentioned Groom Lake!
CROW: Yeah, we want our aliens!
ALL: We want aliens! WE WANT ALIENS!!!
<Deep 13, Dr.F is up front while Frank is hiding in the shadows>
DR.F: Oh, wassa matta, you going to cry now? Huh, you going to cry?
FRANK: Hello Steve...
DR.F: What, Frank? I thought you were dead...
FRANK: No thanks to you, setting me up for a lousy invention...an INVENTION!
<Dr.F reaches for the Acid Soaker, but Frank pulls out a gun>
FRANK: Don't bother...
DR.F: Frank! Your life won't be worth spit!
FRANK: Frank is dead, Doctor, but you can call me...Torgo!
<Frank comes out of the shadows, wearing a Torgo outfit and with his lock of
hair turned green>
FRANK: And as you can see, my knees are a lot bigger...
DR.F: Uh, yeah, sure Fran...er, Torgo...just, can you give a condemmed man a
last request?
FRANK: Yes, I suppose so...
DR.F: Can you push the button please?
FRANK: Oh, sure...
<PWOOSH!>
FRANK: D'oh!!!
Keith N.l. sl...@cc.usu.edu
"You must go to the ends of the Earth."
"Ask for Earl."
- Cave Dwellers
Mystery Science Theatre 3000, it's characters, situations, and conspiracies,
are copyright 1994 by Best Brains Inc. This spoof is not meant to infringe on
any copyrights held by Best Brains, Comedy Central, HBO, the Illuminati, and
the National Rifle Association, as well as their employees and their machine
guns. The information herein is not subject to being, even if mistaken.
Distribute with armor-piercing bullets. We need bigger guns!!!!
> Eventually the chip starts to leak poison into your body; you will
> endure great pain and agony, with boils all over your body.