[MiSTied] The Game Board
Michael K. Neylon
set is set up, facing the 'bots, but screen is out of sight. A flickering
light plays over the trio as they watch the tube.]
CROW: Now, look at 'SeaQuest'...the first season was *ok*, but theeennn *BANG*
they got wierd...alien contact, meetings with semi-mythological
beings, time travel...
MIKE: No, Crow, that's 'The X-Files'. You're getting them confused.
CROW: No, I'm not. Cambot, show sequence 'Crow6'...[Mike and Tom intently
watch the screen]...See?
TOM: You're right, Crow, you're definitely right.
CROW: And now, for my next demonstration,...Cambot, rewind to Crow7...
MIKE: [looks to camera] Oh, hi there. I'm Mike Nelson, this is Crow and Tom,
and Crow here is just showing us the darker side of broadcast television
today: cheap sci-fi shows. [turns back to TV]
CROW: And now, 'Sliders' on the FOX network. [Mike and Tom react violently]
Obviously a cheap rip-off of other sci-fi media...
TOM: Ugh! You don't have to say another word, Crow. I think we get the
picture.
MIKE: Definitely. I almost couldn't stand sitting through the second hour of
that piece o' cheese.
TOM: Then how come you didn't change the channel, [sarcastically] hmmm?
MIKE: Ahhhh...errrr...ummm...[very nervous]
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in 5...4...3...2...1...commercial sign now.
CROW: Well, Mr. Nelson?
MIKE: Hehe...we'll be right back [taps button]
**********************************************
[Back on SOL. Mike is in tears. Crow and Tom are pestering him]
CROW: VR5?
MIKE: [hysterical] Yes!!
TOM: Earth 2?
MIKE: Yes!!
CROW: Tekwar?!
MIKE: YES!! It's all true!!!
TOM: Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters from Beverly Hills?!
MIKE: YE...[snaps to normal] Wait, I don't watch that garbage.
TOM: Oh, sure, Mr. Nelson. You've watched all those other shows, you've
probably watched that one as well.
MIKE: Why would I want to watch a copycat show of the Mighty Morphin Power
Rangers?
CROW: You've got a point there, Mike. You'd never watch anything like that.
TOM: Sorry we doubted you, Nelson. I mean, you're reputation is still shot by
watching all those other fake-sci-fi shows, but...
[Mads light starts flashing]
MIKE: Oh, look, Apollo and Gemini are calling...[realizes his mistake] ..oops.
CROW & TOM: Ah, HA!!!!
[D13 - Dr.F and Frank are dressed up in tuxes...Dr.F's has a lime green
bow tie and cummerbund, while Franks is all black. Both are wearing
top hats as well, and 'money' is flowing out of their pockets. As Dr.F
talks, Frank is lighting a cigar with a lit dollar bill.]
DR.F: Ah, Mr. Nelson. I see you've finally tapped our best work from Deep 13.
You see, we came up with all those shows you mentioned. And not just those
shows. No, we've got the patent on EVERY SINGLE sci-fi show since 1950!
Well, except Star Trek, but you get the picture.
FRANK: And we did it without lifting a finger [takes a puff on the cigar,
then starts coughing]
DR.F: It was all thanks to a device we'd like to call 'The Sci-Fi Selector'
[holds up a board with 3 wheels on it]. We're sending it up to you, for
no charge, but only because that we've finally exhausted all the
possibilities on it. Frank, could you send them the Selector...[turns
around to look at Frank wheezing on the floor] Oh, geez, Frank, didn't
I tell you to take off the plastic wrapping? [pats Frank on the back]
[SoL - TV monitor is gone. The Selector is sitting on an easel behind the
counter. Mike, Crow and Tom are examining it.]
MIKE: I don't know, guys. There seems to be too many combinations here for
the Mads to have done every single one.
CROW: Hey, lets give it a try anyway.
MIKE: Ok, sure. [spins the three wheels, then reads the captions after
they stop] Ok, we've got 'Plot device: telephone booth', 'Main character:
Varies', and 'Enemy: Guy in a wheelchair'.
TOM: Oops. That's 'Doctor Who'.
MIKE: You're right, Tom. Let's try it again. [Spins and reads the wheels] Ok,
this time we've got 'Plot Device: Caravan of spaceships', 'Enemy: Robots
bent on destroying the human race', and 'Really cheesy special effects'.
Crow?
CROW: Oh, too easy. "Battlestar Galactica".
TOM: You know, Mike, I have a feeling that this 'Selector' of theirs has
been squeezed dry.
MIKE: I still think we can get another show out of it...lets see...[spins]
'Villains: evil scientists', 'Plot Device: shooting innocent temps into
space', and 'Torture: showing really bad films'...Hmm, I'm clueless.
TOM: Me too.
CROW: It *sounds* familiar, but I just can't place the name....
MIKE: Hey, Mads, I think we got a new show here...
[D13 - filled with smoke. Frank still gagging in the background.]
DR.F: Think about it, pink boy! And, as a little food for thought, we're
sending you your first Star Trek: Voyager fanfic, entitled 'The Game
Board', with a special guest star. Enjoy!
[SoL]
[pause]
ALL: OOooooohhhhhhh!!
[Movie sign]
MIKE: [taps button] We've got fanfic sign!
...6...5...4...3...2...1...
>From al...@netcom.com Sun Mar 26 21:17:08 EST 1995
>Article: 20681 of alt.startrek.creative
>Newsgroups: alt.fan.q,alt.startrek.creative
TOM: The horror! The horror!
MIKE: alt.fan.q? A group devoted to the worship of an immortal and all
powerful being?
CROW: Yep. Just like Christianity, only *weirder*.
>Path:
>caen!math.ohio-state.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!ix.netcom.com!netcom.com!aleph
>From: al...@netcom.com (Aleph Press)
MIKE: In bookstores everywhere.
>Subject: The Game Board (VOY, Q) Pt. 1
>Message-ID: <alephD6...@netcom.com>
>Organization: NETCOM On-line Communication Services (408 261-4700 guest)
>Date: Sun, 26 Mar 1995 02:45:23 GMT
>Lines: 206
>Sender: al...@netcom.netcom.com
>Xref: caen alt.fan.q:3014 alt.startrek.creative:20681
>This story is by Scott Gastineau, not by me. Send all e-mail and comments
>to Scott at gas...@wkuvx1.wku.edu.
TOM: You know, it just occurred to me. If it weren't for Gene Roddenberry, we
wouldn't have to go through all this suffering and torture. Maybe we can
go back in time and kill him off before he came up with Star Trek...
MIKE: Enough 'TimeCop' for you, Servo.
> Part 1
>--An opening shot is scene of the Starship Voyager moving through space
ALL: FILE FOOTAGE!! FILE FOOTAGE!!
> as--
>--the voice of Captain Janeway is heard as she enters an update into her--
>--captain's log.--
TOM: Watch out for snakes!
> Catherine Janeway: Star date 49567.8.
MIKE: Or somewhere around there. My watch stopped running a while ago.
> We are presently moving through
>the Delta Quadrant at top warp speed,
CROW: Avoiding intergalactic speed traps, no doubt.
> as we have been doing for the past few
>weeks now. The engines have performed extremely well so far,
TOM: And the scores are coming up now...a 5.7, a 5.6, 5.5, 5.7, 5.8, 5.6, and a
5.4. Oh, if those engines hadn't failed on the double axle, I think they
could have done much better.
> and Chief
>Engineer Torres reports no problems with the ship's propulsion systems.
MIKE: Well, except for those knocks. Next time you should use a higher octane
gasoline.
> All
>in all, I would have to rate the Voyager's performance as being excellent
>despite the stresses that have already placed upon its unexperienced systems.
> The crew has also handled itself extremely well, somehow escaping, or
>simply postponing, a case of Beta Quadrant doldrums.
CROW: But weren't they just in the *Delta* Quadrant?!
TOM: Great. Not ten lines into this, and we've already lost continuity.
Please kill me now.
> They persever and
>perform there duties with professional care,
ALL: [groan]
MIKE: [monotonous] No grammar flames, boys.
CROW: [monotonous] Sure, sure, Mike.
TOM: And me with this pain in all the diodes down my left side.
> or even enthusiasm when talk of a
>spacial anomaly is in the air -- an anomaly that could provide a faster route
>home.
MIKE: Sure, you've already broken several laws of physics till now...what's a
few more going to do?
> We believe that we may have located one not far off of our present
>course. In asection of space that Mr. Neelix has insisted he has passed
>through many times, a star has been located which he has told us should not
>be where it is.
TOM: Oh, they must be near Beverly Hills.
>--The view changes to inside the ship,
ALL: AHH!
> just infront of one of the turbo--
>--lifts. Commander Chakotay is present and seen casually parting with--
>--crewmen headed towards there duty stations.--
MIKE: [Chakotay] Well, that's the last of the female members of the crew, and
still no date for Saturday night.
> Chakotay: I have to report to the bridge. I'll see you later.
> Janeway: (Janeway's voice over a commlink) Janeway to Commander
> Chakotay, report to the bridge.
CROW: [Chakotay] See? I had to report to the bridge.
> Chakotay: I'm on my way, Captain. (Chakotay speaks as he enters the
>turbo lift)
TOM: Wow! That's a neat trick. I bet he's going to try to walk and chew gum
next time.
> Chakotay out. (Turbo lift doors close) Bridge. (The turbo lift
> pulls him upwards, but then stops with a jolt)
CROW: Ahhh...sweet sugar rush....
> New star ships.
MIKE: Oh, the warranty must've just expired.
> (pause)
>Computer what's wrong with the turbo lift?
> Computer voice: Turbo Lift One is has stopped moving.
ALL: Duh!
CROW: And the computer has stopped thinking as well.
> Chakotay: I know that, computer. Why has it stopped.
TOM: Why use a question mark.
MIKE: Tom, I told you, no grammar flames.
TOM: Oh, Mike, its our first Voyager fanfic. PLEASEEEEE?!
MIKE: No.
> Computer voice: Cause unknown.
> Chakotay: (Taps this Comm Badge) Chakotay to Quartermaster Department,
>Shipfitting division.
MIKE: There on a ship with only 134 crew members, and they've got that much
bureaucracy?
CROW: Whatever you say, fanboy.
> Shipfitting: This is ship fitting.
CROW: Well, duh! Isn't that who I asked for?
> Chakotay: Turbo Lift Number One has broken down. I want you to get
>right on it.
MIKE: Oh sure, Mr. Commander, sir. Whatever you say. Your wish is our
command.
> Shipfitting: We'll have you out ASAP, Commander.
TOM: A sap commander? Such insubordination by the shipfitting department.
> Chakotay: I remember how to climb a ladder; I just want this turbo
>lift working again.
> Shipfitting: It will be up and running before you know it, Commander.
CROW: [Chakotay] Ok, I know it. Is the turbolift working?
>--On the bridge, the turbo lift door opens, and Chakotay climbs up through it--
> Chakotay: I wouldn't suggest using Turbo Lift One.
ALL: Waaaa Waaaa Waaaa Waaaaaaaa.
MIKE: The humor's so thick, you can cut it with a knife.
> Janeway: I'll take your word for it, Commander.
> Chakotay: (Takes his place) Should I assume that we've reached sensor
>range of mysterious star?
CROW: Oh, cool! There's going to be a cameo appearance!! Who could it be?
TOM: Jack Palance?
MIKE: Mamie Van Doren?
CROW: Robert Redford?
> Janeway: Almost. We'll be within sensor range in less than one
>minute.
MIKE: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
> Neelix: Within sensor range of what? It's nothing more than some type
>of reflection. Or maybe its even pirates baiting a trap for whomever tries to
> investigate.
TOM: [Pirate-like] Arrr! We be lookin' for treeeasure on the high seas,
matey!
> Chakotay: There's a lot of empty space around that star.
CROW: Not to mention the rest of the crew.
> It's not a
>very good location for pirates to set up shop.
TOM: [Pirate-like] Arrr! We'd be setting up a boutique here, matey!
MIKE: Ok, Tom, enough with the Long John Silver talk, there.
> Neelix: All that I know is that I've been through this stretch of
>space about a hundred times.
MIKE: Give or take a hundred times.
> Never once was there a star here, or even the
>makings of star.
CROW: I tell you, there has to be a big cameo appearance in a minute or so....
> Janeway: Then perhaps what we're seeing is a star on the other side of
>a worm hole. A worm hole that could bring us closer to home.
MIKE: That Captain Janeway is so optimistic, I could puke.
> Kim: The star is within sensor range, Captain.
> Janeway: Put it on the screen, Mr. Kim.
TOM: I'm ready for my close up, Mr. DeVille!
> Kim: Aye, Captain.
>--A red blur appears on the viewing screen--
CROW: Lucille Ball!
> Janeway: Why are we not getting a clear picture, Ensign?
MIKE: [Kim] It seems that we are using the same technology as in the Hubble
Telescope, sir!
> Kim: We are. It appears to be a red dwarf star surrounded by a thick
>gaseous cloud.
CROW: Red Dwarf! I don't watch Red Dwarf!!! How can I appreciate a cameo if I
don't know what show he's on!
MIKE: See, that's what watching all those sci-fi shows pays off. Of course,
it *has* been a while since I've seen Red Drawf....
> Tuvok: I should point out that a miniature nebula is as of yet an
>undiscovered celestial phenomenon anywhere else in the charted galaxy.
TOM: I sense a great photo op here!
> Neelix: That's not supposed to be here either.
CROW: [Janeway] Let me see that map! There's your problem, you've had it
upside down!
> Janeway: Bring us in closer Mr. Paris.
[Tom and Crow are about to speak, but Mike interrupts]
MIKE: I also call no jokes on that guy's last name.
TOM: You mean Kim?
MIKE: No, I mean Paris, you two.
> I want a full sensor sweep.
CROW: [Janeway] Followed by a though sensor dusting.
> Paris: Yes, Captain.
> Kim: (puzzled) Captain, sensors are picking up another ship between us
>and the star.
CROW: Quick, its the other tour bus!!! Hurry up and overtake it!
> Neelix: Pirates, what did I tell you? (to Tuvok) What did I tell
>them, Mr. Vulcan? Pirates.
MIKE: Oh, you just think everyone's a pirate.
> Janeway: Yellow alert.
TOM: As opposed to a mauve shade of pink alert.
> What's your analysis, Ensign Kim?
> Kim: It appears-- well, it appears to be a Federation ship,
>Galaxy class.
CROW: Oh, no, its a Ratliff crossover! AHHHH!
MIKE: Calm down. The Mads would have warned us if Ratliff was involved....I
hope.
> Chakotay: Are you sure?
> Kim: No, but that's what sensor's show.
TOM: [Chakotay] Why don't you go out and look then?
> Neelix: Is there anyway that another of you Federation ships might
>have found out where you were and came looking for you?
MIKE: Oh sure, they just crossed the vast galactic distances that would take 70
some years at maximum warp in less than a month.
> Chakotay: No, the most likely explanation is that this is some kind of
>trick.
CROW: Oh, you don't trust anyone, don't you?
> Tuvok: Commander, although trickery is the most probable explanation,
>it is still itself highly improbable due to the general lack of knowledge
>about Federation ships to be had in the Delta Quadrant.
MIKE: Well, there is definitely *1* ship in the Delta Quadrant...
> Janeway: Bring us closer to that ship, Mr. Paris. Put it on the
>viewer. I want positive identification. For now, open hailing frequencies.
CROW: [sarcastically] Oh, your wish is *my* command, Captain...
> Kim: No answer to our hail, Captain. The unidentified ship is not
>moving, but its shields and weapons are powered up.
> Janeway: Full shields. Drop us out of warp and park us right next to
>the other ships hull.
TOM: But watch the paint job!
> Paris: You've got it, Captain.
>--Voyager comes to a stop directly next the other ship.--
ALL: [Car alarm sounds]
CROW: STEP AWAY FROM THE STARSHIP! YOU ARE TOO CLOSE!
> Janeway: (Watching the other ship on the monitor) I recognize that
>ship.
> Chakotay: Who doesn't recognize that ship?
MIKE: Well, the audience, for one.
> Kim: Computer confirms identification. It's the Enterprise, Captain.
>I don't know how, but it's definitely the Enterprise.
CROW: [Runt (from Animaniacs)] Definitely. It's definitely the Enterprise.
Definitely.
>-- Close up of Enterprise-D with Voyager--
> Janeway: Are there any life forms aboard that thing.
TOM: And any question marks?
MIKE: Watch it, Tom. That's two strikes.
> Kim: Over a thousand. It's carrying a full compliment.
> Janeway: Hail them again.
> Kim: Still no answer, Captain Janeway.
CROW: Melrose Place must be on.
> Chakotay: Is there any sign of damage that could explain a downed
>communications system?
MIKE: Well, they're using a coat hanger and a piece of tin foil for an antenna.
Could that be a problem.
> Kim: No Captain. It seems to be in peak condition.
> Neelix: You people are acting like this Innerprise is some type of
>ghost ship.
TOM: [monotonously] Ho ho. That Neelix.
> Kim: That's "En-ter-prise," and it is.
CROW: When did we switch to a phonics reading program??
> Janeway: They may still be in some type of trouble. Perhaps they're
>all incapacitated due to some new disease. Is there any way that we can send
>a boarding party onto that ship?
TOM: Uh-huh. Who do you think is going to volunteer for that?
> Tuvok: Negative Captain. Our transporters are incapable of beaming
>through the Enterprise's shields.
TOM: [Tuvok] May I suggest we just ring the doorbell?
> Kim: Captain, I'm reading another ship approaching from the direction
>of that star. It doesn't match anything in our database. It's less than the
>size of a shuttle craft and I'm reading two life forms aboard.
MIKE: Ok, so its smaller than a shuttlecraft, but bigger than a bread box...
hmm...is it animal, vegetable, or mineral?
> Tuvok: The Enterprise is turning to meet the the approaching ship.
> Janeway: So there is someone activity going on inside after all. Hold
>our present position and go to red alert.
>--The small ship, looking much like a flashlight,
CROW: Oh, look! The special effects crew must have just run out of money...
it IS a flashlight!
> approached the Enterprise.--
>--The Enterprise fires a phaser beam at it, but the smaller ship's shields--
>--hold. When the small ship grows close enough, it emits a strong light--
>--from its forward section that covers the entire Enterprise.
MIKE: Well, it being a flashlight and all, that makes sense, doesn't it?
> The light--
>--fades away.--
TOM: Let me guess...this author graduated from the Ratliff School of Writing
Great Battle Scenes.
> Tuvok: The Enterprise's fore and aft shields are dropping.
>--The Enterprise fires again and this time destroys the small craft.--
MIKE: And there was much rejoicing...
ALL: [monotonous] Yea.
> Kim: The smaller craft has been destroyed, Captain.
> Tuvok: The Enterprise can't maintain its shields They're failing.
CROW: Didn't they just drop a few lines ago??
> Chakotay: That ship was on a suicide run. It's mission was to disable
>those shields.
TOM: Boy, and I thought that '5-year mission' thing was tough!
> Tuvok: The smaller craft was obviously no match for the weapons that
>it was facing. I believe that it was specifically designed and built for its
>mission.
> Janeway: Someone is willing to sacrifice a lot to disable the
>Enterprise's defenses. There were two people aboard that ship. Mr. Neelix,
>can you identify it?
CROW: [Neelix] Well, duh, it was a flashlight!
> Neelix: What?
MIKE: Hello, Mr. Neelix...where have you been for the last 10 minutes??
> Janeway: The ship that was just destroyed, Mr. Neelix. Can you
>identify it?
CROW: [Neelix] I don't know...its really hard to identify anything after it
has been atomized.
> Neelix: Me? Do I know that ship?
MIKE: No, the other Mr. Neelix on the ship!
> Uh, no.
TOM: Next week, on Star Trek Voyager...Stupidity hits the crew of the Voyager!
> Tuvok: An away team can now safely beam aboard the Enterprise.
> Janeway: Assemble an away team of security personnel immediately, Tuvok.
> Kim: Too late, Captain. The Enterprise is powering its impulse
>engines. It's pulling away.
>--Enterprise moves forward--
> Kim: They're out of transporter range, Captain.
> Janeway: Mr. Paris, match speed and follow that ship. We're not going
>to lose it.
> Paris: Setting course. Engaging impulse engines.
>--As the Voyager begins to move forward, it is struck by a jolt.
CROW: Yup, those sugar rushes really hits you all at once.
> Lights--
>--flicker on the bridge--
MIKE: Ok, who's using the hair dryer?!
> Janeway: What was that, Ensign? Are we under fire?
TOM: [Kim] Not yet, but if our ratings don't go up, we will be!
> Kim: I don't know, Captain.
> Paris: It's like we just passed through a brick wall that we didn't
>notice notice before.
ALL: [snicker]
CROW: It "The Attack of the the Eye Creatures" all over again!
> Janeway: Full stop. Give we a view from the stern of the ship.
MIKE: I'm sorry, but Howard never makes on-screen appearances.
>--On the view screen, they see a symmetrical grid made of lines of green--
>--light behind the ship--
TOM: It's an Apple II display!
> Kim: It's a force field, Captain. It wasn't there before.
> Janeway: Or maybe we just didn't see it.
CROW: I don't know about that...its really hard not to see a green glowing
barrier that extends in all directions...
> The Enterprise was on the
>same side of this barrier as we are now, wasn't it.
> Paris: Yes, Captain.
> Janeway: That goes a long way toward explaining why the shield
>breaking craft didn't attack us as well. Take us back through, Mr. Paris.
MIKE: [Paris] But you know that Customs is going to give us a tough time with
than, don't you?
> Pairs: Turning about, Captain. Engaging impulse engines again.
>--Voyager bumps against the force field.--
CROW: Bonk.
TOM: Ow!
CROW: Bonk.
TOM: Ow!
MIKE: Step away from the door, Ajax, then open it...
> Paris: We're not making it back with the same engine power that we
>used to come through earlier.
> Janeway: Increase engine power all the way up.
TOM: [English accent] But it goes to 11.
> Kim: Force field is still holding, Captain.
> Paris: This isn't working.
ALL: Well, duh!
> Janeway: Fire phasers.
> Tuvok: Firing. No effect.
CROW: Yes, although there are no special effects, we'll take your word on that.
> Kim: Field has changed zero point zero percent.
MIKE: Ah, so there is still a bit of room for a margin of error.
> Tuvok: Even with maximum possible effect, a photon torpedo would not
>be sufficient to break through the field. Multiple torpedoes might be
>sufficient.
> Janeway: I hate it when this happens.
TOM: Yes, it's not everyday you get stuck behind some weird green glowing force
field that you can't break out of.
> Fire two photons
>simultanieously.
> Tuvok: Still no effect, Captain.
> Janeway: Full stop. How far does the field reach?
> Kim: All the way to sensor range, Captain. It's a two-dimensional
>plane that divides were we are from where we were.
MIKE: Wherever you were, there you aren't
> Paris: We can crawl in, but we can't crawl out.
CROW: It's Jim Henson's Trapped-Behind-A-Force-Field Babies!
> Chakotay: Captain, I would like to lead an away team onto the
>Enterprise while its shields are still down. I can take a shuttle craft,
>while the Voyager stays here and tries to figure out how to break through that
>force field.
> Janeway: Agreed.
TOM: [Janeway] But don't stay out past 10!
> Chakotay: Mr. Tuvok, you're with me. (Makes his way towards the
>turbo lift)
> Janeway: Be careful Commander. It looks like there's a war going on
>out there, and a shuttle craft isn't much cover.
> Chakotay: I'm always careful.
CROW: [Chakotay] You always treat me like a kid, Captain!
> Tuvok: Commander, I do not suggest using that--
> Chakotay: (Steps into turbo Lift One, then turns around) The crewmen
>in shipfitting work fast, Mr. Tuvok.
ALL: [monotonous] Ha ha.
>--Shuttle craft is seen leaving the Voyager--
> Part 2
>--Scene change to the Conference Room where all the remaining senior--
>--staff have met to exchange ideas about the situation.--
TOM: [Minnesotan lady] You know, we should really have the Spring Festival
earlier this year.
MIKE: [Minnesotan lady] Oh, you are so right. It's always too warm when we
have it in May.
>B'elanna Torres: For the last hour and a half, we've thrown everything we had
at it.
CROW: Thank you, Ms. Exposition.
> (Points the the field on a monitor) From our most high tech
> ideas to our most low tech ideas, nothing worked. Not a techion beam,
> not a static warp shell, not a pulse of ionized particles. Even the
> phasers and photons failed to produce a reaction.
MIKE: If only Wesley was here!
TOM: Oh, please Mike. Never wish that on anyone.
> It's the most
> frustrating problem that I've ever been assigned.
TOM: It looks like we're going to have to pull an all-night here...
>Paris: Can't we just find the power source and take that out?
CROW: Now I see what they mean about too much violence on TV...now they're
going to hurt poor defenseless power sources.
> Every force
> field has a power source.
>Janeway: Not this one, Mr. Paris.
>Torres: The energy flow is coming from no identifiable direction. The power
> isn't coming from anywhere.
>Janeway: Perhaps a fifth dimensionally located power source, then.
>Torres: I suppose that's possible, but it would take a huge distribution
> device wherever that power source is. Furthermore, we can't
> do anything about if its located outside our universe.
MIKE: Sooo...they really can't do anything about the force field, right?
TOM: I think so, but my head's still throbbing from all this dimensional talk.
>Voice: Captain Janeway, this is the bridge.
CROW: Oh, no! The disembodied voice is back!
TOM: Watch out for snakes!
>Janeway: Janeway here.
>Voice: We've received a strange message through sub space on the Federation
> frequency. It's only audio, and we thought that you would want to
> hear it.
MIKE: [as Voice] Something about MCI's Friends & Family program...
>Janeway: Yes, I'll take it here.
>Message:
> A nice move Number two,
CROW: Oh, cool! We've switched to The Prisoner!
> but I'm not going to fall
> for the ridiculous notion that
> a real Federation star ship
> just happened into the game board
> in the Delta Quadrant.
> You've known me long enough that
> you ought to have realized
> I wasn't going to be distracted.
> The Voyager will be destroyed just
> like the rest of your pieces.
>Paris: Someone definitely knows we're here.
ALL: [monotonously] Waaa Waaa Waaa Waaaaaaa.
>Janeway: I recognize that voice from some records shown at a Star Fleet
> briefing a while back. Computer, run a vocal matching test for
> this recorded voice against any all alien voices in your database.
MIKE: Ignoring all human voices since we know that humans would NEVER attack
a Federation starship.
>Computer: Testing. Match has been found with ninety-five percent accurate
> match. Alien's name is Q.
TOM: Nah. I won't accept that till they've done a DNA test.
MIKE: Tom, you've been watching too much OJ.
>--Scene change to aboard the shuttle craft--
ALL: Waaa!
>Tuvok: We are nearing transporter range with the Enterprise, Commander.
>Chakotay: Good, it took us long enough to catch up with it.
MIKE: Oh, what did you expect them to do? Wait for your puny shuttlecraft?
> (looks behind him) Men, set you phasers to heavy stun and prepare to
> be beamed aboard.
TOM: This is the strangest Survival weekend setup I ever heard!
CROW: [Chakotay] As soon as they're gone, get us out of here!
>Tuvok: The Enterprise is slowing down, Commander. The Enterprise has
> now come to a full stop.
CROW: [Tuvok] The Enterprise is now doing nothing. The audience is now
getting bored.
>Chakotay: Tuvok, what is that infront of the Enterprise?
TOM: [Tuvok] Its a space, and you should've used one earlier in your sentence.
MIKE: Ok, Tom, that's...um...
TOM: Two.
MIKE: Oh, yeah. Tom, that's two strikes. One more, and you're in for a timeout.
>Tuvok: Sensors show another force field, identical to the first.
>Chakotay: But now, instead of being behind us, its above us. What is it's
> position relative to the force field we encountered on the
> Voyager?
>Tuvok: The force fields lay in a exact ninety degree angle in
> relation to each other.
>Chakotay: I don't think that they are two different force fields anymore.
> It think that it's one large force field shaped like a cube.
>Tuvok: That would place us inside the cube.
MIKE: I don't know about you, but this fanfic is getting really [draws it
out in air] square.
CROW and TOM: [snicker]
>Chakotay: And the miniature nebula in the center. We're going to have to
> investigate that place, later. (gets up and Tuvok follows)
> What's you rating, Mr. Jaroslav?
CROW: Well, it had a good beat, and I could dance to it. I give it a 9.
>Jaroslav: I'm a crewman first class, Commander.
TOM: [Jaroslav]But since I'm wearing a red shirt, that all means nothing
in the end, right?
>Chakotay: Do you think that you can monitor us, work the transporter, and if
> need pilot the shuttle craft at the same time?
TOM: [Jaroslav] Oh, sure. I always try to be doing 8 different activities at
the same time.
>Jaroslav: Definitely, Commander.
>Chakotay: Then energize.
CROW: It keeps on going, and going, and going...
TOM: Just like this fanfic.
>--Chakotay, Tuvok, and three other security personnel are beamed inside one--
>--of the cargo bays of the Enterprise--
>Chakotay: Chakotay to shuttle craft. Can you read me?
MIKE: Chakotay: Now available from Pocket Books in bookstores everywhere.
>Jaroslav: Affirmative, Commander.
>Chakotay: We're inside a cargo bay, and we're now going to try to make our way
> to the bridge. Keep a transporter lock on us at all times.
TOM: Hmm...why didn't they just beam to the bridge then?
MIKE: Plot development?
>Jaroslav: Yes sir.
>Chakotay: Chakotay out. (Chakotay waves for the others to follow him)
>--The five make there way through the halls and personal quarters--
CROW: Picking up a few personal items along the way...
TOM: The LA Riots: The Next Generation...
>David: It thought that sensors showed this ship had a full crew aboard. I
> wonder why we haven't seen anyone.
TOM: Oh, they must all be wearing towels over their heads.
>Tuvok: There is a way to answer your question Crewman David.
MIKE: [Tuvok] But I won't tell you. I'll let you figure our your own answer as to
getting that answer.
> Enterprise Computer, beside the members of this party, where are the
> rest of the occupants of this craft located?
CROW: [Computer] Ten-Forward. There's a really big party going on.
>Computer: All personnel are at their assigned work stations. All Children
> are located in the nursery and classrooms.
MIKE: "All Children"? Is that a new soap opera?
>Tuvok: It is illogical to have all three shifts working simultaneously.
>Chakotay: Not if you're being commanded by a slave driver.
TOM: Oh, this is what America's going to be like after NAFTA...
>--Group enters a turbo lift--
CROW: Don't you wished you used Dial? Don't you wish that everyone did?
>Chakotay: Bridge. (turbo lift rises) We still don't know what to expect
> when we reach the bridge, so don't fire unless I say so.
> (turbo lift stops)
>--a small device that looks like a sprinkler in the middle of the turbo--
>--lift ceiling fires five phaser blasts down at the group,
CROW: [Chakotay] I said, 'Don't fire unless I say so!'
> disintegrating--
>--their hand phasers.
TOM: Oh gee, another plot device.
> As they grab their hands in pain, the turbo lift--
>--door open revealing the bridge. No one seems to notice their presence.--
CROW: Maybe because nobody cares?
>Chakotay: (steps out first and is immediately followed by the others)
> (to no one particular) Your turbo lifts are even worse than ours.
ALL: [monotonously] Waaa Waaa Waaa Waaaaaa.
MIKE: Even Jerry Lewis is funnier than this fanfic.
>Tactical Officer: We are not authorized to communicate with the
> enemy.
>Chakotay: Why od you consider us your enemy? (no answer)
>David: (in a half-whisper to Tuvok) Sir, all of these bridge officers
> are exactly the same person, like they're clones.
TOM: Similar, but not the same as, but almost like, but slightly different than
what we would consider to be called clones.
>Tuvok: There is no need to inform me of the obvious, Crewman.
> (looking closely at the person working comm) Fascinating.
CROW: [Tuvok] Those *are* Bugle Boys jeans!
>Chakotay: (to whomever is listening)
MIKE: Well, that definitely doesn't include the audience...
CROW: [snickers]
> We are from the Federation ship
> USS Voyager! Does anyone understand?!
TOM: [singing] Is there anybody out there...
>Guy in Captain's Chair: There's no need to shout.
CROW: Yea, All-Purpose Tide will get that stain out.
> Commander Chakotay, I presume?
>Chakotay: Yes, I am Chakotay.
MIKE: [Chakotay, but like Bart Simpson] Who the hell are you?
>--Guy in captain's chair rises and turns around so he can be seen--
>--he is Q in his red Star Fleet uniform--
TOM: As opposed to S in his yellow tutu.
>Q: (stands and tugs the front of the uniform downward)
MIKE: [excited] The famed Picard Maneuver!
ALL: Ooooooo!
> I am Q. (pause)
>Chakotay: Q? (he knows who Q is, but he's still a little shocked)
CROW: Oh, yes, thanks for the insight, Mr. Author.
>Q: You were expecting perhaps Baldy?
TOM: [Q] Or Sleepy? Or Dopey? Or Grumpy?
>Chakotay: I was expecting an apology for blasting our hands.
MIKE: [Chakotay] And I'll hold my breath until you do!
>Q: It was your fault for assuming that you could simply walk aboard my
> bridge fully armed, or otherwise carrying some virus with which you
> would infect my entire crew.
CROW: But it'll only spread if you copy it to your hard disk.
>Chakotay: Why would we purposefully do such a thing?
>Q: I never said that you knew about it. I'm quite sure that you think you
> have nothing to do with the game and that you came aboard this ship
> on your own free will. That is why I had the turbo lifts refitted
> to destroy any artificial weapondry brought aboard the bridge and
> sanitize any passengers carrying biological weapons.
TOM: [Q] As well as making a nifty plot device.
>Tuvok: We have heard of you before, Q.
MIKE: No, P is before Q.
>Q: There are very few beings in this universe that haven't, Lt. Tuvok.
TOM: It seems that Q's before around the galaxy more than a couple times,
eh?
CROW: Maybe he's Zaphod Beeblebrox?
>Tuvok: If you are as powerful as you claim, then from whom do you fear
> attack?
MIKE: [old Minn. ladies] Oh, that Tuvok, he is just so well spoken...
>Q: Q2.
CROW: Judgment Day.
TOM: The Wrath of Khan.
MIKE: Die Harder.
>Tuvok: We do not understand this.
CROW: It's just a letter and a number...how hard can it be to understand?
>Q: You're not just whistling Dixie, either. You can't even imagine how much
> you don't understand.
TOM: Wow...I am in awe...
MIKE: What, about the amount of knowledge that we don't understand?
TOM: No. About how slapstick this dialog is.
>Chakotay: You're also supposed to be omniscient. Why don't you know whether
> or not we were sent by this Q2.
TOM: [Chakotay] And why are you stealing our question marks?
MIKE: Come on, Tom. Stop with the Grammar Flames. That's [pauses, thinking]
TOM: Two.
MIKE: Oh, yeah, two flames. One more, and you're in for a Time Out.
>Q: Omniscience of a member of the Continuum does not extend to matters where
> another member of the Continuum has interfered. I know THAT'S not
> above your collective head.
CROW: [Chakotay, stupidly] Well, I guess so...[pause] HEY! You take that back!
>Chakotay: None of that is really important.
MIKE: [Chakotay] We're losing the audience's attention really fast!
> Can you take the Voyager
> back to Federation space?
>Q: Caaan I? Yeeeessss. Wiiill I? No.
ALL: [groan]
CROW: This is terrible.
> I refuse to be distracted from the matters at hand. And speaking of
> which, your time is up. This ship is scheduled to meet another in few
> seconds, and the rules specifically prevent me from mucking with
> natural time flow.
MIKE: Of course, you could always change the gravitational constant of the
universe.
>Chakotay: What if we're not willing...
TOM: ...and able?
>--Q waves his hand, and the away team is transported back to their--
>--shuttle craft--
CROW: [Mindy, from A!] OkILuvUByeBye!
>Jaroslav: What are you, I mean welcome aboard, Sir,
CROW: Hmm, I wonder what Mr. Jaroslav was doing a few seconds ago?
> -- what happened to your
> hands?
MIKE: What? Their hands have been bleeding for the last 5 minutes?
>Chakotay: Not now, Crewman.
>Tuvok: Mr. Jaroslav, if you would turn around, you would realize that another
> ship is approaching us from the starboard side.
TOM: Oh, a backseat driver, eh?
>Jaroslav: Oh, yes Sir. It's come to a stop next to the Enterprise. It's
> another Galaxy class vessel. Sir, it's the Enterprise again.
CROW: [Jaroslav] It's another exciting plot twist, Sir!
>--A second Enterprise-D comes to a stop next to the first--
>Chakotay: With identical crewman, why not identical ships.
MIKE: Well, why not?
>Tuvok: The situation does lead to the question of why Q requires a star ship.
CROW: It's a babe magnet, man!
> (takes the other seat in the front)
>Chakotay: I've got a lot of unanswered questions, Tuvok.
MIKE: Like, why is the sky blue?
CROW: Or, where do babies come from?
TOM: Or, what is our purpose in life?
> Open a channel
> with the second ship. Maybe it's captain will be more helpful.
>--On a small monitor,
CROW: Oh, it must be a Netwon.
> the image of the Enterprise's bridge appears with Q--
>--in the captain's chair--
>Chakotay: I said to hail the second ship, Tuvok.
TOM: [Ren Hoek] You EEEDIOT!
>Q: This is the second ship, Chakotay. And I already told you that I don't
> have time for you right now. I have to escort the first ship to a
> defensive position where its shields can be repaired. If you
> attempt to follow these ships, you will be destroyed.
> (screen goes blank)
CROW: That's not much a of a screen saver...
>--Both Enterprises move away simultaneously--
MIKE: Synchronized swimming: the Next Generation.
>David: Commander, if I may ask a question, why weren't we destroyed
> just now if Q believes that we're his enemies?
>Chakotay: Why didn't he destroy us on his bridge or in that turbo
> lift?
TOM: Why ask why?
CROW: Drink Bud Dry.
MIKE: You guys watch *way* too much television...
>Tuvok: Although being extremely intelligent, Q has always conducted himself
> in highly illogical manners in the past according to knowledgeable
> sources.
MIKE: Just because he likes to wear lampshades after getting wasted at a
party is no reason to call him 'highly illogical'.
>Chakotay: It's not that simple. Q said that we were there to distract him.
> I'm thinking that he thinks (pause)
CROW: Hey! If you listen really hard, you can hear the gears grinding.
TOM: [pause] Cool!
> that if he lets us live, then his
> real enemy, this Q2, will keep working with us, and he will be the
> distracted one. This is some type of strategy game he's involved in.
MIKE: STRATEGOOOOOOOO!
CROW: Hey, you never did show me how to play that.
MIKE: Oh, I didn't? I'll show you after the experiment.
>Tuvok: Should I send a sub-space report of our experience to the Voyager?
>Chakotay: First, plot a course for the Voyager and engage. No matter how
> detailed your report is, I think that I'm still going to have to
> personally explain what happened.
TOM: [kid] Mom's will never believe what's in this note from the teacher.
> Besides, my hand is killing me.
CROW: Suddenly, without warning, Chakotay's hand jumps to his throat and
chokes him to death!
MIKE: We can only hope, Crow. Besides, it's time to go.
[They leave the theater]
..1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL bridge, currently empty. *Pings* of machinery in the background.
Then in a few seconds, Mike walks in, reading a book and drinking
a soda/pop. He sets the drink down, and leans down on the counter
and reads some more. Suddenly...]
CROW: [suddenly appears on left side (Mike's right)] I saw him first!
TOM: [suddenly appears on right side] No!! I did!
MIKE: [surprised by both to drop the book] Whoa!! Where'd you two go off
to?
CROW: Quiet, you miserable mortal. This doesn't involve you!
TOM: Aha! Violation of rule 6,420. No contact with non-omniscience life forms.
CROW: No fair! He contacted me first! Rule 10,492!
MIKE: CROW! TOM! What are you arguing about?!
CROW & TOM: [look at each other] Time out?! Sure.
TOM: Well, we're having another one of our 'wars', you see.
CROW: Yeah, but our 'Rock 'em, Sock 'em Robots' are broken....
TOM: And all we found was this *big* case of Nerf toys...
CROW: And so we're using them as weapons.
MIKE: Oh, good. You guys won't be able to hurt yourselves with those.
TOM: Well, er, um, that's sorta where you come in, Mike. You see, by our
rules, if any other being besides Crow or myself enter the Bridge, that
being automatically becomes part of the game.
CROW: And since I saw you first, I claim that you're on my side.
TOM: No way, Crow! I did!
MIKE: GUYS! I don't mind these little [makes quotes] "wars" of yours, but
as long as I don't get involved, then its fine.
CROW: Oh, really?
MIKE: Really. I just want to relax before the next part of the fanfic.
TOM: *Really*?
MIKE: Yep. Just leave me alone.
[Crow and Tom look at each other]
CROW & TOM: Rule #45,320? YES!!
[Crow and Tom disappear off screen as quickly as they appeared.]
MIKE: Well, I'm glad that's over.
[Pause]
CROW & TOM: [offscreen] FIRE!!!!!!!
[Suddenly, a barrage of Nerf balls and other missile fly onto the screen,
mostly directed at the unsuspecting Mike...]
MIKE: OW! Hey, you guys! That's it... [movie lights flash while assault
continues] Hey, we've got movie sign!!! [taps button while dodging and
shielding himself from the missiles, then runs off]
...6...5...4...3...2...1...
[Crow and Tom are already in the theater]
CROW: Call it a draw?
TOM: Sure. How about a game of checkers after this?
CROW: Oh, sure.
>From al...@netcom.com Sun Mar 26 21:16:01 EST 1995
>Article: 20684 of alt.startrek.creative
>Newsgroups: alt.fan.q,alt.startrek.creative
[Mike enters. He seems to be holding something]
MIKE: You 'bots are asking for bigggg trouble.
TOM: Oh, yeah, Mr. Nelson? What are you going to do about it?
MIKE: This [he raises the object he was holding, fires a nerf ball at
Tom, then one at Crow.]
TOM: Ow!
CROW: Hey, watch it!
MIKE: Learn a lesson from that, my friends.
>Path:
>caen!newsxfer.itd.umich.edu!agate!news.ucdavis.edu!csus.edu!netcom.com!aleph
>From: al...@netcom.com (Aleph Press) Subject: The Game Board (VOY, Q) Pt. III
>Message-ID: <alephD6...@netcom.com>
>Organization: NETCOM On-line Communication Services (408 261-4700 guest)
>Date: Sun, 26 Mar 1995 02:51:38 GMT
>Lines: 340
>Sender: al...@netcom.netcom.com
>Xref: caen alt.fan.q:3016 alt.startrek.creative:20684
CROW: Oh, lovely. We have a huge nerf war, then we have to come back for
this.
> Part 3
>--Scene opens aboard the Voyager, in sick bay--
TOM: Tonight, on a very special 'ER'...
> Zimmerman: (moving a healing ray across Commander Chakotay's hand)
>This is the absolute worst first aid job I've seen.
CROW: [Zimmerman] And I did it! Geez, I suck!
> Chakotay: Have you ever seen another before, Doctor?
> Zimmerman: (finished) Humph. No, but it was still a lousy job. How
>does your hand feel?
> Chakotay: A little stiff.
> Zimmerman: That's from allowing it to go untreated for so long. It
>will pass.
TOM: [falsetto] Next time you play with your friends, play nice! You could
shoot out your eye next time.
> Chakotay: I have to get to the bridge. (stands)
CROW: [Chakotay] I need to add the fabric softener!!!
> Zimmerman: I haven't released you yet. I want to give you a full
>physical before release and the same goes for the rest of the away team.
> Chakotay: We'll catch up on our physicals when we're out of this
>mess.
> Janeway's voice: Commander Chakotay, report to the bridge as soon as
>possible.
> Chakotay: I was already headed that way, Captain.
> Janeway's voice: (humorously) That's what they all say.
MIKE: [monotonously] Ha ha. I almost broke my side laughing.
> Chakotay: Lieutenant, let's go.
> Tuvok: (standing and following) Affirmative, Commander.
> Zimmerman: Now wait a minute!
TOM: [Zimmerman] You only left a 10% tip!
> Tuvok: Computer, discontinue program. (exits with Chakotay)
MIKE: Today, GM announced that it has discontinued the popular
4-wheeled drive Program because of design flaws...
> Zimmerman: (grumbles) Thankyou. (disappears)
CROW: Well, at least the computer programs are more friendlier than the
humans in the future...
>--on the bridge--
> Janeway: Captain's log supplemental.
MIKE: It's usually necessary to add that kindling to a fire before you can
get it started.
>--Tuvok and Chakotay enter through Turbo Lift one--
> Janeway: Never mind, Computer. I'll do it later. (turns) Welcome
>back aboard, Gentlemen.
> Chakotay: I was a bit surprised that you didn't meet us in sick bay.
> Janeway: Lt. Torres had come up with a new idea for cutting through
>the force field at about the same time as you arrived.
MIKE: Oh, sure, *just* at the same time...
> Chakotay: Did it work?
> Janeway: Not a scratch.
ALL: Waaa Waaa Waaa Waaaaa...
> Chakotay: (sitting) We have reason to believe that we are surrounded
>by this force field.
> Janeway: We already knew. While you were gone, we sent out some
>probes to scan areas beyond the range of our sensors. We found all six inter-
>ior sides of the cube. But, I'm more interested in your conversation with Q.
CROW: Well, he gave me this really cool watch that has a built-in laser ...
MIKE: Wrong Q, Crow.
> Chakotay: It's all in the report.
> Janeway: No, all the facts are in the report. I want to know how he
>seemed to you. Was he upset? Was he annoyed by our presence?
TOM: [Janeway] How did he feel about his mother?
> Chakotay: He was acting hurried and a little nervous, but also a little
>jolly.
MIKE: Oh, it must be a Santa Claus about to go visit the kids in the Potty
Training Nursery...
> I think that he was actually enjoying our being here.
> Janeway: I don't know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.
CROW: Just put it down as a mediocre thing.
> Chakotay: Neither do I.
> Janeway: Mr. Paris, set a course for miniature nebula.
TOM: [Janeway] It should make a perfect addition to my miniature doll house.
> We're more
>likelyto find answers there than we are sitting here.
> Chakotay: Course laid in. Engaging at Warp Two.
> Janeway: Mr. Kim, I want you to continue scanning for any other space
>craft.
> Kim: Aye, Captain.
> Tuvok: Captain, we must consider that possibility that cloaked ships
>are also inhabiting this region.
> Janeway: I had already been thinking about that, Mr. Tuvok.
>Unfortunately, there's nothing we can do about it. So, we'll just have to
>stay on our toes.
TOM: OH, no! They're going to do ballet!
>--Voyager nears a large and dense gaseous cloud--
CROW: [announcer] Star Trek Voyager is filmed on location in sunny Los Angles.
> Janeway's voice: Captain's log supplemental. We have just arrived at
>the edge of a miniature nebula surrounding a small and uncharted star. Unable
> to leave this hazardous region of space, we search for answers here at
>the heart of a giant puzzle.
MIKE: You know, I bet they're going to find that they've lost a piece of
that puzzle.
TOM: Should've started from the edges...it makes it *much* easier...
> My personal hope is the entity Q2 will be more
>hospitable than Q1.
CROW: Now is Q2 the one that they met on the Enterprise, or is that they guy
with the intergalactic flashlight?
TOM: No, Q2 is the next generation cyborg that came back from the future to
kill...[Mike places hand on Tom]
MIKE: Wrong sequal, Tom.
>--On the bridge--
TOM: A brand new song by the Red Hot Chili Peppers!
> Kim: Captain, I'm picking up a large vessel approuching from the
>nebula's far end, starboard side.
> Janeway: On screen.
>--A grey cube appears on the screen--
> Chakotay: Magnify.
MIKE: [Chakotay] I forgot my glasses back in my quarters.
>--The Borg Cube becomes obvious--
CROW: [somewhat bored] Oh, look, its the Borg.
ALL: [bored] Ohhhh.
> Janeway: Mr. Tuvok, is that what I think it?
CROW: [Pinky (from A!)] I think so, Brain, but why would O.J.'s convicting
evidence be all the way out here?
MIKE: Hey, you're getting good at that.
CROW: Thanks. Now that I can't do Peter Graves anymore, I need something
else to take up my time.
> Tuvok: Affirmtive, Captain. It is a Borg vessel, identical to the Borg
>craft that invaded the Federation.
TOM: That way, the Special Effects group can save money.
> Kim: The Borg are guided by the goal of absorbing entire cultures.
MIKE: Just like Scientologists.
>They shouldn't interpret our one ship as a treat.
> Janeway: Try to hail them.
> Kim: No responce. They're scanning us, Captain.
TOM: [Kim] But only at 72 dpi! We'll be in poor resolution!
> Tuvok: Captain, I strongly suggest we reinforce the shields.
> Janeway: No, take absolutely no action that could be interpreted as
>aggressive.
CROW: How about running away in terror? Is that aggressive?
> Kim: They've stopped scanning us and are now returning to their
>original position.
> Janeway: Tell me more about the miniture nebula. The Borg might be
>guarding it.
MIKE: Well, its miniture, and, um, its a nebula. What else is there to tell?
> Kim: Well Captain, this thing that we've been calling a miniature
>nebula is actually quite dense. It's composed of an unusual mixture of
>hydrogen and oxygen atoms. It's almost breathable.
TOM: [Kim] Mind you, finding hydrogen and oxygen as *atoms* is a rarity in
itself, but...
MIKE: Tom, remember the theme song.
TOM: [pauses a bit] Oh, yeah. Sorry there, Mike. Without any Grammar Flames,
one tends to find other things to point out...
> Chakotay: Can we pilot the Voyager inside this cloud?
CROW: Oh sure, getting into the cloud's not the problem. Getting out is
another thing.
> Kim: If the interior of the cloud is like this, then we can. It's
>density blocks any in-depth sensor study.
> Tuvok: Captain, it is likely that one side of this conflict created
>this cloud in which to hide valuable items or from which to prepare surprise
>attacks. If that is the case, then we are likely to encounter strong
>defensive measures inside to prevent intruding attack parties or spies.
MIKE: Pink Panther: The Next Generation
TOM: [Inspector Cluseau] Ze jewel is hidden in ze cloud.
> The
>Borg cube could only be the beginning of a defensive force.
> Janeway: I hadn't thought of that. That makes it all the more likely
>that we'll find Q2 inside. Take us in, Mr. Paris.
CROW: Ignoring any potential threat to the ship just to track down a single
person.
> Paris: We are now entering the cloud, Captain. (pause) We are half
>way to the star, and density is increasing. We are experiencing considerable
>resistance.
TOM: [Paris] Oops, forgot to start rocking in my seat there.
MIKE: You know, these [makes quotes] "exciting scenes" are really quite
drab.
CROW: Well, that's all Star Trek is: Special effects connected by a simple
plot. Without the special effects, you got nothing.
> Tuvok: Heat that has been insulated by the star raises the expected
>temperature of this area. However, temperature on hull is still well within
>safety limits.
CROW: [Tuvok] Although it is going to ruin our paint job.
> Kim: Captain, sensors detect a small planet orbiting the star.
>(showing surprise) It's an M-class planet.
MIKE: Wow. Such suspense. I almost wasn't expecting that.
> Janeway: Bring us into orbit around that planet. On screen.
>--Small silver colored planet with three tiny moons appears on viewing
> screen--
> Janeway: Why is that planet so reflective?
TOM: It's just someone playing around with a 3D renderer. Another way for
special effects to save money.
> Kim: Sensors show that the entire surface of the planet is covered
>with an energy storage grid. I also can see an advanced aqueduct system and
>numerous underground communities.
MIKE: You can actually *see* those underground communities? What are you,
Superman?
> Chakotay: Any life forms?
> Kim: Affirmitive, Commander. I detect several hundred humanoid life
>form from all types of various races. Also, I detect a total of about one
>hundred life forms on the three moons. Structures exist there as well.
> Janeway: Hail the planet and the three moons.
> Kim: No response to our hail, Captain.
> Chakotay: Should I lead another away team?
CROW: Hmm, someone seems to want all the credit around here, don't they?
> Janeway: No, this one is mine, Commander. Mr. Tuvok, you and I are
>beaming down to that planet's surface. Inform Mr. Neelix that he is to
>accompany us.
TOM: Yes, lets take a completely non-Starfleet trained civilian down on a
potentially dangerous mission.
MIKE: Maybe they plan on using him as phaser fodder?
> Tuvok: Affirmative, Captain.
>--On the sandy shore of an Ocean,
CROW: Paula Anderson was getting a *really* nice tan...
> Janeway, Tuvok, Neelix, and Kess--
>--materialize. All about them, large constructions similar to satellite--
>--dishs but flat and metallic surround them in a grid formation of evenly--
>--spaced rows and columns.--
MIKE: Oh, look...a futuristic trailer park!
> Neelix: And another thing, you didn't have to come down here with us.
TOM: [Kes] Nag nag nag nag...is that all you ever do?
>Are you determined to always place yourself in unnecessary danger?
CROW: Or are you undetermined to always place yourself in necessary danger?
MIKE: Huh?
> Kess: There are supposed to hundreds of different races on his planet,
TOM: [Kes] I'm sure I can win at least one of them!
>Neelix. We could find another Occupa here just as easily as we could find any
>other race which you could identify.
> Neelix: We could also find another slave trader with an unhealthy
>interest in you.
MIKE: What is it with this 'slave driver' stuff?!
> Janeway: Will the two of you kindly take break and resume your
>argument when we're back aboard the Voyager? Tuvok, what do you make of these
> things
CROW: [Tuvok] They're called a couple, and right now, they seem to be having
an argument.
> (gestures to th nearest construction)
CROW: Oh...I guess not...
> Tuvok: I hypothesize that these are solar collection devices, and that
>they represent identical devices covering the planet. Energy is collected on
>this planet, and then transferred to the moon stations, where it can then be
>given to docked space craft.
TOM: {annoying salesperson] We've got your energy, and we're giving it
factory direct to YOU! We've cut out the middleman for our giant
Moonlight Madness sale!!
MIKE: 'Madness' is definite a word I would use...
> The alien space craft may be dependent upon
>frequent refueling in order to function. Otherwise, they may only require the
>excess power for energy that grant them a technical advantage in battle.
> Janeway: So whomever controls this planet, controls the energy.
CROW: And the spice...
TOM: Arrakis...Dune...desert planet...
> Tuvok: That is the logical conclusion.
> Janeway: (seeing three other people, a young female alien on the beach
>gathering sea shells in a basket and two males on the top of a cliff
>arguing over something)
CROW: [singing] Jack and John and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail
of sea shells...
> Follow me.
MIKE: [Janeway] Ah ah ah! I didn't say 'Simon Says'!
>--The party approaches the female--
TOM & CROW: [Yakko & Wakko W.] Helloooooooo Nurse!
> Janeway: Hello, my name is Catherine.
> Alien: You startled me.
MIKE: Yes, look at this look of surprise on my face. Oh, I am so surprised.
> Do I know you?
> Janeway: No, but I'm glad to see that our universal communicators
>still work.
TOM: Were they ever broken?
> Alien: I don't understand.
CROW: I think that basically sums up this entire fanfic, eh guys?
MIKE & TOM: Yup.
> Janeway: It's not important. What are you doing.
> Alien: I'm collecting shells that can be used for medicines.
MIKE: [Alien] I saw McGuyver do this once...
> Oh, I'm
>not supposed to say that without asking whose side you are fighting for.
CROW: Well, at least there are bimbos on this planet.
> Janeway: We're not on anyone's side, except for our own.
TOM: Ok, now I'm really confused...I thought they were with Starfleet.
MIKE: It gets a bit confusing in the writer's bible, Tom...
> Alien: Then I can't speak to you. (head down) Excuse me. (runs away)
MIKE: What? She just took a vow of silence?
> Janeway: (turns attention to the two on the cliff)
CROW: ...ignoring the girl altogether...
> Hello, up there!
>--They both look down at her--
TOM: You know, she's much larger in real life.
MIKE: Really?
TOM: Yup. Read it in Starlog.
> Janeway: Could you two gentlemen answer some questions for us?
>--They ignore her--
> Neelix: The taller of the two is a Zahn. They became extinct over a
>century ago.
TOM: Oh, no! They time traveled!! It *is* a Ratliff fanfic!!!
MIKE: [puts hand on Tom] Tom, you're reading too much into this.
> Tuvok: And his companion seems to be identical in appearence to the
>workers that I encountered aboard the Enterprise.
CROW: [Tuvok] Mind you, they're on top of a cliff really high up there, and
I really can't make out any details, but I'm pretty definitely somewhat
sure about it.
> Kess: He doesn't quite seem real to me.
MIKE: [dreamy...] But are any of us real? Isn't life just one big metaphor?
TOM: What *have* you been reading later, Nelson?
> I can't explain it, but
>neither of them do. Neither does this place. I know its real, but it seems
>very fantastical at the same time.
CROW: Like a holodeck...only *weirder*.
>--In a flash of white light, Q2 appears behind them.
ALL: [jump] Waaaa!
> He is dressed in the--
>--same star fleet uniform that Q wore earlier.--
TOM: Ewwww! The same underware even...
MIKE: I certainly hoped he washed it before he put it on.
> Tuvok: Are you the being that is called Q-two?
CROW: [Q2] Yes I am. Have you seen this boy?
MIKE: Wrong '2', Crow.
> Q2: First of all, it's spelled "Q2."
MIKE: [Q2] But its pronounced "Throatwobbler Mangroove".
> Secondly, I'm called a lot of
>things.
TOM: Like "jerk", or "geek", or "pencilhead", or...
[Mike places a hand on Tom to stop him]
> Some call me Q2. Some call you "the captain's errand boy."
>(looks at Neelix)
> Neelix: Uh-oh.
MIKE: Wha...at? Did we miss something here?
CROW: Oh, Neelix does some shoeshinning on the side.
> Janeway: Then you also know that I am Captain Janeway of the Star Ship
>Voyager. We come in peace.
CROW: [Q2] But you will leave in pieces.
> Q2: Now Babe,...
MIKE: Babe Ruth?
TOM: Babe the big blue ox?
> Janeway: Babe?
> Q2: (in a very matter-of-fact tone) Babe.
TOM: Oh yeah...this is just some of the best work coming out of Voyager's
writing crew.
> Tuvok: A twentieth century Earth term.
CROW: Why does it always seem that everyone knows about every single possible
word in any language *except* slang from the 20th century?
> Janeway: I know what it means. (to Q2) We came here looking for some
>answers.
TOM: [telephone operator] Sorr-*re*...there is no one by the name of Mr. Some
Answers at this number...can I take a message pul-lease?
> Q2: Then you had better bring some questions.
MIKE: Oh, its a Bring-Your-Own-Question party.
> Janeway: Why are you at war with the being we call Q?
> Q2: It's not a war. It's a game. We created this planet, that star,
>the gas cloud, and all the space ships and the beings inside them.
CROW: [Q2] It's just like being God, only on a much smaller scale!
> Janeway: And the force field shaped like cube?
> Q2: Of course. We couldn't allow the game to spill out into the rest
>of the Delta Quadrant. That's why we constructed the game board. It's all
>in the rules.
MIKE: But no one reads the rules...just like READ.ME files...
> Neelix: (about to say something, but Janeway signals for him not to
>speak)
> Janeway: We don't know these rules.
> Q2: The rules of the game. Two million, eighty-nine thousand, one
>hundred fifteen and a half of them.
CROW: Just like Calvinball!
TOM: How the heck do you have a *half* rule?
MIKE: You know, I bet that's going to result in a big plot hole...
> Frankly, even if you did know them, I
>don't think you could understand most of them, but they're all rules that I
>and Q agreed to before the start of the game. A lot cover very basic stuff
>like, "No time manipulation" and "No wormholeing."
MIKE: But of course, there's nothing that says anything about introducing
big plot holes...
> Janeway: Q is working under the assumption that you brought us to use
>against him.
> Q2: Well, I fully agree with assessment, only I believe that he
>created you. I'm sure that you believe otherwise, but your opinion really
>doesn't count.
> Janeway: Is there any way for us to get out of the game?
TOM: You could always free the princess and save the mushroom kingdom.
> Q2: Alive?
CROW: [Janeway] Hm...nah. I've heard that was a really bad movie.
> Well, you could join my side. Then, when I win, you may
>be free to go. The field encompassing the game board will vanish.
> Tuvok: And how long would you estimate that your victory would take
>to achieve?
> Q2: Not long. Around four or five of your years. I can't say exactly
>without knowing what Q is going to do.
> Janeway: And what are our chances of surviving until then?
MIKE: Well, I've got you down as 12 to 1 in the fifth, but if you take the
tri-bet, I can knock you down to 4 to 1.
> Q2: Too low to warrant mention, but if you side with Q, then you
>definitely won't survive.
CROW: Do I detect a hint of superiority here?
> Kess: Excuse me, but if you don't mind my asking,...
> Q2: Not much.
TOM: [Q2] I'll kill you first, but go ahead anyway...
> Kess: Well, what is the point of this entire game?
> Q2: The same point as every game, to win. A while back, Q saved the
>multiverse as we know it from total annihilation, and then traveled to a
>parallel universe and told Peter David all about it.
[All fall out of their chairs and are laughing really loud]
> Personally, I don't see
>that as such a incredible thing, but the rest of the continuum thought that it
> was pretty hot.
TOM: [recovering] Ohh...the Continuum must be the Star Trek writers guild!
CROW & MIKE: [laugh out loud]
> Q received the status of Continuum First Member. It's an
>unofficial position, but the most respected in the entire continuum I want
>that title.
MIKE: [still recovering] But Peter David *is* God...how can you take that title
away from him? [snickers]
> The only way that I could win it from Q was to defeat him in a
>fair game of strategy. Q was so full of proverbial hot air, that he decided
>he could defeat me, and he accepted my challenge.
CROW: [*almost* recovered] I can't believe this...*Peter David* is now an
official character in Star Trek: Voyager?
MIKE: Oh, sure, they need a head writer to fill in the space left for plot
in each episode.
TOM: [snickers]
> Janeway: What exactly does the game involve?
> Q2: Everything.
MIKE: [Q2] You know; Life, The Universe, Everything. All that jazz.
> We control every aspect of the game, down to the
>cellular level of each mortal involved. Take that guy for an example.
TOM: [Q2] That guy is your brain. The other guy is your brain on drugs.
Any questions?
>(points to the taller of the two individuals on the cliff's edge) Now, the
>short one is Q's character.
MIKE: Oh, now they're role playing!
CROW: [Q2, but nerdish] Ok, my wizard fires a fireball at the dragon, then
grabs all the coins...
> He's attempting to bride my character into
>switching sides. They've been bartering over the price. Watch.
>--The the shorter being hands the Zahn a small pouch, and then leaves him.--
TOM: Well, now, that was easy.
> Q2: And he was successful. I predicted this a while back, and
>arranged a surprise for him.
ALL: Supplies!!!
>--The Zahn suddenly doubles over with pain, stumbles, and falls of the cliff--
>--to the beach below.--
CROW: [monotonous] Oh, ouch. That hurt. Oh the pain.
> Kess: Ahhhh! (dives her face into Neelix's shoulder)
TOM: [singing] Put your head on my shoullllllder....
> Q2: (jovial) Viral infection number forty-three! Death within five
>second guaranteed!
MIKE: [annoying salesperson] We've cut the middle man to bring quick death
factory direct to you!
> Neelix: Why did you let us in here anyway?
> Tuvok: (inspects the body)
TOM: [Tuvok] It seems to be dead.
> Q2: It's in the rules. Any matter or energy that enters the game
>board by its own power is fair game for either side to use against the other.
> That was the purpose of the one-way force field. I must admit that at the
>time we were thinking about meteors and comets, not Federation star ships.
CROW: Well, it never hurts to be prepared.
> Tuvok: (Gestures to the body) Is that why you claim to be winning
>the game?
> Q2: That and the fact that I choose my space craft better. Q has some
>weird fetish for that one stupid ship.
MIKE: An Enterprise fetish? I don't think so.
> It can split into two, so can a rock.
TOM: And your point is...?
>I chose a mixture of varied types of star ships. My flag ship is a Borg Cube,
> the same Borg Cube that invaded Federation space a few of your years ago,
> very historically accurate.
> Kess: (whispered to Neelix) And this one seems to have a fetish for
>cubes.
MIKE: [southern] Well, you see, you've got your good fetishes, then you've
got *really* good fetishes...
> Janeway: Q2, listen to me. Q refused to let us out of the game. All
>we want to do is get out alive so we can continue our journey home. You can
>do the same thing, and you can even return us back to the Alpha Quadrant
>where we belong. Please help us.
CROW: [Q2] Sorry. Paramount told me that the series has to go on for at least
two more years.
> Q2: (faking tears) Oh, that's so beautiful.
MIKE: [strums an imaginary violin]
TOM: [faking tears] Oh...this is so sad...
> (serious again) No. I
>won't help you. I won't help you because I don't like you. I think that
>your people and the Delta Quadrant deserve each other.
TOM: What are you?! Wink Martindale or Q2?!
> Janeway: Even if we are inferior beings, you still have no right to
>treat us so cruelly.
> Q2: Right?! You still just don't understand the fact that I'm
>omnipotent, do you?
CROW: Oh, I thought you said you were impotent.
MIKE: [squirming] CROW!
> I decide what rights I have, and I decide what is right.
CROW: And I decide who lives and who dies.
MIKE: Really?
CROW: Yup. Called it a few Christmases ago.
TOM: He's right. He called it.
MIKE: Wow. I'm impressed.
> Tuvok: (standing beside Janeway) A good way to judge the character of
>a person is observation how that person responds to others from whom that
>person does not need anything.
MIKE: [confused] What?
TOM: Oh, this must be the *moral* of the story.
CROW: Then we must be near the end of the fanfic.
TOM: Unfortunately, no.
> Q2: (touching his own forehead) I'm actually developing a head ache.
TOM: That's nothing...we've had one since the start of this fanfic!
>This human form is as worthless as communicating with you humans. That idea
>that Q enjoys talking to you is ridiculous to me. Do you have any idea
>how much I've had to restrict my own intelligence just to carry on this
>conversation?
CROW: [sarcastically] Let me guess...is every member of the Continuum just
as brash as you?
> Janeway: You won't win anything by insulting us.
MIKE: I'm not so sure about that...from here, it looks like Q2's got the
upper hand...
> Q2: That's absolutely right. There is only one way to win the game,
>and that's to destroy all of the other player's ships. That's exactly what
>I'm going to do. Q was wasting his time when he arranged to have you here.
>Get off my planet!
CROW: [old man] Smoochers! I hate smoochers!
>--Q2 disappears the some way he entered--
TOM: [Snagglepuss] Exit, stage...um...up?
> Neelix: What a jerk!
MIKE: Boy, I wonder how that 20th century term filtered to this point...
> Kess: I think that if he were to spend me time being mortal, than he
>would have a lot more respect for us.
TOM: And if the author spent more time with a spell checker...
> Tuvok: Our situation is hazardous, Captain. It would appear that in
>order to stand the best chance of surviving, we must choose one side or the
>other, and choices are limited. A decision must be made.
> Janeway: Not really, Tuvok. Think about what he said. He said that
>we could go free as soon as someone wins the game.
> Tuvok: Correct, Captain.
> Janeway: And he also said that someone wins the game by destroying the
>opponent's space ships.
MIKE: Well, I see that well-known *human* logic really works then...
> Tuvok: Correct, what is your suggestion then?
> Janeway: We're going to win this game ourselves.
>--Neelix and Kess look shocked--
> Janeway: (touches her comm badge) Janeway to Voyager!
> Chakotay's voice: Chakotay here. You sound excited. Is everything
>all right?
CROW: {Janeway] We just won the lottery!
> Janeway: Not for Q and Q2 it's not. I know what we have to do. Four
>to beam up.
>--Away team disappears--
TOM: Their pictures were soon on the sides of milk cartons everywhere.
>--Aboard the Voyager's bridge, Janeway and Tuvok enter from Turbo Lift One.--
> Janeway: Status report, Commander Chakotay.
> Chakotay: Nothing happened while you were down there.
CROW: [Janeway] Not even a single diode blowout?
> Janeway: Mr. Tuvok, prepare three photon torpedoes and select the
>star bases on each of the three moons as targets.
MIKE: Oh, just more semi-random violence. At least they're choosing their
targets.
> Tuvok: Targets selected and torpedoes ready.
> Janeway: Fire at will.
CROW: But Riker's not even here!
> Tuvok: Firing photon torpedoes. Three direct hits, Captain.
TOM: You know, I never knew Star Trek could be done as a radio drama...
> Janeway: Now fire a phaser beam at the planets surface.
> Paris: Where are you shooting, Captain?
> Janeway: Anywhere, Mr. Paris.
> Tuvok: Firing phaser beam.
MIKE: Now *this* is definitely random violence.
>--View screen shows a phaser beam connecting with the planet. A ring of fire--
>--emerges from that point and spreads around the entire planet, leaving a--
>--charred look behind it.--
CROW: Alllright, how'd do you want your steak?
MIKE: I'll take mine medium rare, please.
> Tuvok: The phaser beam caused a chain reaction. The entire power grid
>on the planet's surface been incinerated.
TOM: Hey, now. City regulations state that you can only incinerate power grids
every other Saturday.
> Janeway: And what about the underground cities?
> Kim: Sensors show that they were destroyed too. The only life forms
>left in the area are inside this ship.
MIKE: Oh, sure. Let's just genocide a half dozen races, and then
walk away from it.
> Janeway: Mr. Paris, plot a course to take us out of the miniature
>nebula. Ensign Kim, find me that Borg Cube.
CROW: [Janeway] I need a *really* big martini on the rocks...
>From al...@netcom.com Sun Mar 26 21:16:06 EST 1995
>Article: 20685 of alt.startrek.creative
>Newsgroups: alt.fan.q,alt.startrek.creative
>Path:
>caen!newsxfer.itd.umich.edu!agate!news.ucdavis.edu!csus.edu!netcom.com!aleph
>From: al...@netcom.com (Aleph Press)
>Subject: The Game Board (VOY, Q) Pt. 4
>Message-ID: <alephD6...@netcom.com>
>Organization: NETCOM On-line Communication Services (408 261-4700 guest)
>Date: Sun, 26 Mar 1995 02:53:30 GMT
>Lines: 260
>Sender: al...@netcom.netcom.com
>Xref: caen alt.fan.q:3017 alt.startrek.creative:20685
TOM: You know, fanfics like these provide a really good argument against
broadcast TV.
MIKE: Tom, one word. 'TekWar'
TOM: [shivers] Never mind.
>This story is by Scott Gastineau, not by me. Send all e-mail and comments
>to Scott at gas...@wkuvx1.wku.edu.
CROW: We would, but Dr. F filters all our mail...
> Part 4
> Kim: We've located the Borg vessel, Captain.
> Janeway: Bring us right up next to it.
CROW: [Janeway] But watch the paint job!
> Paris: Aye, Captain.
> Janeway: Janeway to transporter room number three, I'm going to need
>to transport an away team through a set of Borg sheilds and back again a few
>minutes later.
MIKE: Sounds like a job for the ill-fated ensigns.
> Can you do it, Seska?
> Seska's voice: If I understand Borg defenses correctly, then
>penatrating the first time should be easy, but as they adapt, the sheilds
>should increase in power and bringing them back would be the problem. If the
>away team boosts the singals of the comm badges before hand and if I increase
>transporter power to maximum, I should be able to bring them back safely.
TOM: [Seska] Remember, though. That's one mighty big 'if'.
> Janeway: If that's your best, then I'll take it. Janeway out.
CROW: Boy, Picard would never let that slide. Janeway must not be that good
of a captain.
> Chakotay: Exactly what is it that we're trying to do?
MIKE: Oh, good idea. I think we all need to refresh our memories as to what
the plot is.
> Janeway: Commander, I need you to head an away team of six
>members. You'll be beamed aboard the Borg Cube. Find me a Borg, any Borg.
TOM: Well, gee, I think there are better ways to find a man...
>Beam him or her directly to sick bay. We'll be ready for you.
> Chakotay: I think I understand.
>--Chakotay exits through turbo lift--
CROW: Oh, great. Now've we got people walking through walls...
> Janeway: Mr. Tuvok, I'm going to need you to stay here. Your mission
>is to keep the Voyager's shields up dispite anything that the Borg may throw
>at us. Figure out a way.
TOM: [Janeway] I know it's impossible, but you'll find a way.
> Kim: (stands) Captain, I request permission to accompany the Commander
>aboard the enemy ship.
> Paris: Kim, are you nuts?
MIKE: Maybe, but at least he'll get the promotion if the mission's a
success.
> Kim: I elected to take extensive study courses on the Borg while at
>Star Fleet academy.
CROW: "Extensive study courses on the Borg"? That sounds like a course
dealing with the psychology of Hitler.
> I don't mean to be at all disrepectful, but those studies
>simply weren't available, well, back in, I mean when the commander was
>younger.
TOM: [Kim] It also got me my second humanities course done and over with.
> Beside, this will only be the second time in history that star fleet
>personel will be aboard a Borg ship. I want to be able to say that I was part
>of it.
MIKE: I bet he's going to come back with a shirt that says "I visited the Borg
ship and all I got was this lousy t-shirt"
CROW: [snickers]
> Janeway: Granted, you may accompany the away team as an extra member,
>but you'd better hurry if you want to want to catch up with them in the
>transporter room.
CROW: [Janeway] And make sure you go before you go!
> Kim: Aye, Captain.
>--Away team materializes onboard the Borg cube It consists of Chakotay,--
>--Kim, and five security officers.--
MIKE: [seems to be squinting] You know, if you read that sentence in the
right light...
TOM: Hey, Mr. Nelson...remember, you said no Grammar Flames.
MIKE: Oops...you are so right, Tom. Momentarily forgot.
> Chakotay: It looksas though we've picked what must be the one part
>of the ship without any Borg on it?
CROW: Melrose Place must be...oh, wait, I used that one already.
MIKE: It's ok...the fanfic seems to be repeating itself as well.
> Kim: According to my studies, the Borg should ignore us until we
>perform some type of hostile action. If we're not a threat or a mission
>objective, then they shouldn't care what we do. (Kim works a tri-corder)
TOM: {Kim] I should've taken a course in Tri-corder operation than that
stupid Borg course...
> Chakotay: Well, there's no one here. Let's move on.
CROW: [sarcastically] After a thorough check of the place...
>--Team moves into a small empty room with one of the Borg at the opposite--
>--repeatedly pressing the same button on a wall console.--
MIKE: [drowsy] Gotta make the donuts...gotta make the donuts...
>--On the bridge of the Voyager, the ship suddenly shakes--
> Tuvok: The Borg vessel has locked onto the Voyager with a tractor beam
>and is attempting to bring us in closer to itself.
TOM: You are now witnessing the beautiful and alluring mating rituals of
Borg ships...
CROW & MIKE: Eeewww...
> Janeway: Full impulse power in reverse.
> Paris: Captain, I'm able to hold her steady, but our impulse engines
>are no match for that thing. Maybe we should jump to warp while we still
>might be able to.
MIKE: [Paris] While I might still remember what might be the right button
that might take us to warp.
> Janeway: Maintain present position. We're going to buy the away team
>however much time they need.
TOM: [announcer, quickly] Away team costs $5 the first minute, $2 each
additional minute.
>--Inside the Borg Cube again--
CROW: I think the imperative word is *again*.
> Chakotay: (Taps the borg on the back of his right shoulder)
MIKE: Hey now! That should be gentle pressure on the shoulder...do you
want to go blind?!
> Excuse me.
>(When there is no response, he takes hold of the shoulder and pulls the Borg
>to face him) (Chakotay fires a hand phaser directly into the Borg's face)
CROW: That's no way to treat the Complaints department!
>(Chakotay and security personel catch the Borg as he falls)
> Kim: Commander, tricorder detects several Borg moving this way. I
>think we've produced a reaction.
TOM: Next time, on 'Beekman's World'...
> Chakotay: Give me the extra comm badge (takes badge and places it on
>the captured Borg) (presses own comm badge) Away team team transporter room
>four, lock onto all eight comm badge signals and beam us directly into
>sickbay.
CROW: [Chakotay] I need a Band-aid for this paper cut!
>--The door to the small room opens as transport begins. Several Borg fire at--
>--the fading figures, but their weapons pass through the transient bodiesand--
>--damage the console on the wall behind them instead.--
MIKE: Isn't more effective to actually hold onto the weapons instead of
throwing them?
>--Away team materializes in the Voyager's sickbay were Zimmerman, Kess, and--
>--B'Elenna are already waiting for them.
TOM: Come on, guys! We're already fifteen minutes late as it is for the show!
> The security officers lay the borg--
>--down on a table.--
CROW: Hey! The Borg always goes on the other side of the salad fork!
> Chakotay: Activate sickbay emerg--
> Zimmerman: (interupts) I'm already quite activated,
MIKE: No comment, Crow.
CROW: What?! I wasn't going to say anything.
> and the captain
>has briefed me on the situation, thankyou. Lt. Torres, is your equipment
>ready?
> B'Elenna: Yes, let's get to it.
> Kim: How can we help?
CROW: You know, did I ever mention the number of sexual innuendoes that
are in your average Star Trek episode?
TOM: On a number of occassions, Crow.
MIKE: Yes, we've been enlightened enough.
> B'Elanna and Zimmerman together: Stay out of the way.
>--On the bridge--
> B'Ellena's voice: Sickbay to bridge. We are beginning work on the
>prisoner.
MIKE: [deep voice] Coming this fall to NBC: The Prisoner II: Return to the
Village.
> Janeway: Be quick about it, Leuteneint.
> Tuvok: Sheilds are holding steady at ninety-four percent of full
>power captain.
> Janeway: Maintain present position, Mr. Paris.
> Paris: You're the boss.
CROW: Oh no! We've switched to crappy sitcoms of the 80's!
ALL: AHHH!
>--Sickbay--
> Computer voice: Patient is awake.
> Borg: (Sits up, and knocks a security guard to the floor)
TOM: [computerized] Oops...sorry about that...
>--Bridge, another jolt--
MIKE: You know, if you keep drinking like that, you're going to
need to hit a restroom in no time.
> Pairs: They've grabbed us with another tractor beam. we're being
>pulled into close weapons range.
>--Sickbay--
> Borg: (First throws anothe security officer across the room, and then
>aims his weapon a Chakotya) Resistence is futile.
CROW: So's the rehashing of characters for other shows. Your point?
> B'Ellena: Arrhhhh! (punches the borg across his jaw)
TOM: [boxing trainer] You've got him, kid! Give him your one-two
combination! But watch for the right hook!
> Borg: (Knocks Torres down with his free arm)
MIKE: Yes, the other two were somewhat expensive.
> Zimmerman: (calmly) Ensign Kim, perform the Vulcan nerve pinch on the
>patient.
ALL: [snicker]
> Borg: (looks at Kim and stands)
CROW: [computerized] Ok, give me your best shot.
> Kim: What?!
MIKE: [Kim, but still snickering] How can I do the Vulcan neck pinch if I'm not
Vulcan?!
> Borg: (Aims at Kim)
> Zimmerman: (Raises his hand to the back of the Borg's neck)
>--The sound of a hypospray is heard and the Borg collapses over the table--
>--again.--
TOM: Hey, that wasn't the Vulcan Neck Pinch! That was the Vulcan Hypospray
Pinch! We want our money back!
> Zimmerman: Thankyou Ensign.
> Kim: (quietly) Anytime.
MIKE: [snickering] But wasn't Kim standing around doing nothing?
> Zimmerman: Kess, will you see to the fallen security officers?
> Kess: Right away.
> Chakotay: (helps B'Ellena to her feet) How are you, B'Ellena?
> B'ellena: Fine. (pushes him out of the way) Just let me at those
>circuits! (begins connecting her equipment to the Borg)
CROW: [singing] Whistle while you work...[whistles]
>--Borg Cube fires at the Voyager--
TOM: Meanwhile, in another fanfic...
>--Bridge--
> Tuvok: Captain, the Borg ship has engaged its weapons and is
>attempting to cut through the Voyager's shields. Sheild power has dropped to
>sixty percent. I am now randomly adjusting shield frequencies and transfering
>shield strength from the aft to fore sections.
> Janeway: Pull power from other systems into the shields. Use
>anything. Even life support if you have to.
CROW: [Janeway] We don't need to breathe to win this battle!
> Tuvok: Shields holding at forty percent.
>--Sick bay--
> B'Elanna: Connection complete.
> Zimmerman: The patient is ready for data transfer.
MIKE: Dialing into SLIP server...
TOM: Setting up IP address...
> B'Elanna: Sending command.
> Chakotay: How long is the command?
> B'Ellena: Only one word, "sleep."
CROW: [powerful voice] Sleep...Sleep!
> Zimmerman: The patient has recieved the data implant and is ready to
>be returned his vessel.
> Chakotay: (touches comm badge) Seska, this is Chakotay. The prisoner
>is ready to be immediately beamed.
TOM: Isn't that a bit cruel, hitting prisoners with steel beams?
> Seska's voice:
MIKE: Geez, there are more disembodied voices in this fanfic then in
"Red Zone Cuba".
CROW: By the way, did anyone ever figure out 'Flag on the moon?'
> Commander, I doubt that I'll be able to penetrate the
>Borg shields this time. We might have to replace him manually with a shuttle
>craft.
TOM: Oh, you're going to need an adapter to make that shuttle craft fit
exactly.
> Chakotay: That was the original plan, but we're running out of time
>fast. Try sending his single back along the Borg tractor beam.
CROW: The future of intergalactic dating service, folks.
> Seska: Engaging transporter.
>--Borg is beamed away--
MIKE: You know, I feel like going back and reading all those great action
scenes from Enterprized. The action in this fanfic is so pale by
comparison.
TOM: Seriously?
MIKE: No. But it is something to think about.
>--Borg cube fires a second beam at the Voyager--
>--Bridge--
> Tuvok: Shields are dropping again. Thirty-eight percent. Thrity-five
>percent. Thirty percent.
CROW: Soooo..the shields are going down, I guess.
MIKE: Pretty much, yup.
> Paris: Captain, the Borg's weapons have disengaged! Tractor beam has
>dissengaged also.
TOM: I guess the Borg got as bored as the audience did.
> Tuvok: the borg Cube's shields have dropped.
>--Chakotay and Kim enter the bridge from turbo Lift One.--
> Chakotay: Personally, I didn't think that it would work.
CROW: [Chakotay] So if you actually press that 'Bridge' button, the
turbolift will take you to the Bridge?!
> Janeway: Hand out congratulations later.
TOM: [Janeway] But I'll take my cigar now, thank you very much.
> Chakotay: Yes Ma'am, Captain.
> Kim: (Taking the Ops station) All systems aboard the Borg cube have
>shut down, Captain.
MIKE: Oh no! They forgot to park the hard drive!
CROW: D'oh!
> Janeway: What do long range sensors show?
> Kim: Multiple star craft closing in form all directions.
TOM: [Janeway] Um...I guess we've been spotted.
> Janeway: Mr. Paris, I need you to keep us right here, until I say so,
>and then I want you to gun the engines. Understood?
CROW: [biker] We're going to *drag*...
MIKE & TOM: [motorcycle noises]
> Paris: Oh Yes.
> Kim: The ships have been identified. They are several dozen identical
>copies of the Enterprise.
TOM: Someone get that kid off the Xerox machine!
>--Several Enterprises swarm around the Borg cube and fire at it--
MIKE: Sounds like a good idea for a screen saver.
>--Voyager's bridge, Neelix enters.--
CROW: [Arsenio Hall] Let's give it up for...Neelix!
MIKE: [pumps arm] Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
> Janeway: Welcome, Mr. Neelix. You're just in time for the fireworks.
TOM: Suddenly its the fourth of July!
> Chakotay: Q2 should be responding by now.
> Kim: Captain, that breakdown of Borg systems has begun. I suggest
>that we get out of here.
MIKE: [Kim] Permission to turn yellow, sir!
> Janeway: Not, yet. If we leave now, we'd confirm both Q's suspitions of
>a trap.
CROW: [Elmer Fudd] Be very very quiet...I'm hunting wabbits...
> Kim: They're here, Captain. I detect about fifty sheild breakers
>closing in to assist the Borg Cube.
TOM: Green light on Voyager!
> There's also a large spherical ship
>approuching from within miniture nebula.
MIKE: Its the Death Star!
CROW: No, it's Happy Fun Death Ball. Everyone loves Happy Fun Death Ball!
TOM: [low, fast, announcers voice] Pregnant women and people with heart
conditions should not play with Happy Fun Death Ball. Do not taunt
Happy Fun Death Ball. Happy Fun Death Ball has been banned in 6 states.
If Happy Fun Death Ball begins to smoke, take shelter immediately.
Happy Fun Death Ball...[Mike puts hand on Tom]
MIKE: I think we get the picture, TOM.
> Neelix: That's a Douglasian Class 5 fighter.
CROW: And what's that ship?
TOM: {Neelix] That's a Douglasian fighter, Class 6!
CROW: And that one?
TOM: [Neelix] A Douglasian fighter, Class 7!
> It has no long range
>weapons, but it can move right up next to another ship, and and snap it apart
>with a static warp shell.
TOM: [Janeway] Nobody better key *my* ship!
> They don't make those anymore.
CROW: [Neelix] Pity though...I really liked that model.
> Tuvok: Three Romulan Warbirds, a Klingon Bird of Prey, and four
>unidentified ships decloaking near the Borg Cube.
MIKE: Don't forget the partridge in the pear tree!
> Kim: Captain! The Borg Cube has reached a critical stage!
TOM: Broadway?
> Janeway: Warp speed, Mr. Paris!
CROW: Just like the ending of "Thelma and Louise"!
MIKE: Sorry, Crow. I wouldn't know. I don't watch those 'chick' movies.
>--Voyager leaves area just before the Borg Cube explodes and destroys all--
>--other ships around it.--
TOM: That's one mighty big *just*.
> Kim: The Borg vessel was complete destroyed, Captain. Sensors also
>all nearby craft were destroyed with it.
MIKE: Why do we need Kim if we have the narration to go on?
> Janeway: Stop us before we ram into that force shield.
> Paris: Full stop, Captain. Can I breathe now?
CROW: [Paris] Permission to soil pants as well?
> Janeway: Permission to breathe granted. Scan for any other ships in
>this sector.
> Kim: We're the only ones.
MIKE: I don't know...I think a supernova-like explosion would do that
to ships in the nearby vicinity.
> Tuvok: It was very illogical for either of the Q's to risk all of
>their ships at once.
TOM: Well, you know what they say: Don't put all your starships in a
supernova-like explosion.
> Janeway: Yes, illogical, but also characteristic. Neither one was
>willing to give up any advantage to the other for fear of losing, even at the
>risk of their entire fleets. Let's start looking for left overs anyway.
CROW: [Homer Simpson] Mmmmm...left overs...
> Kim: Captain, when the Borg ship distructed, it seems to have caused a
>chain reaction inside the miniture nebula. It's now errupted into a huge
>plasma storm.
MIKE: And us without our umbrellas!
> Janeway: Let's have a look at it.
>--Image appears on the view screen that is identical to the bad lands seen in--
>--the pilot episode of VOY--
TOM: Using File Footage to save on special effects?
MIKE: Yep, pretty much.
> Janeway: Mr. Paris, take us back. I want some up close sensor
>readings of that plasma storm.
> Paris: Your wish is my command, Captain.
CROW: [Janeway] For my first wish, Genie...
TOM: Geez, the crew seems to resent the captain giving so many orders...
maybe they ought to try sharing the responsibility.
> Kim: Ship decloaking to the starboard side at ten thousand meters!
>It's the Defiant!
CROW: Ok, Nelson, if this isn't Ratliff, then it has to be his younger
brother. There're more crossovers happening here than on any freeway
under construction.
MIKE: Oh, I don't know...there's been some good crossovers...mind you we
never get to *read* any of them, but I've heard they exist.
>--Defiant moves infront of the Voyager, and then comes back toward it.--
TOM: [driving instructor] Ok, Ms. Kloppenstien, you've seem to have
parallel parking down nicely. Let's take her out on the open road,
shall we?
> Tuvok: Shields are completely recharged, Captain.
MIKE: It's always good to carry a backup package of batteries in case of
emergencies like this.
> Janeway: Lock on with all weapons.
CROW: [Janeway] Everything! Including the kitchen sink!
>--Defiant fires phasers at the Voyager.--
> Tuvok: The Defiant made a direct hit, Captain. Shields holding.
TOM: Well, that doesn't seem like very much of a threat, does it?
> Janeway: Evasive maneuvers!
> Paris: Hold on!
MIKE: [country-like] We're going to push this tractor over *20*!
>--Defiant fires six photon torpedoes at the Voyager head-on. Voyager spins--
>--ninety degrees counter clockwise on its bow-to-stern axis. Photon--
>--torpedoes pass by above and below the Voyager. Defiant passes by.--
CROW: [rocks in seat] Oh, Mike, I'm feeling ill...don't this fanfic come
with motion sickness bags?
MIKE: [comforts Crow] There...there...we're almost home free.
> Janeway: Good move, Mr. Paris. Fire phasers.
> Tuvok: Firing phasers. Phasers missed.
TOM: Boy, Tuvok really sucks at those phasers. Maybe a little target
practice will help...
> The Defiant is counter
>attacking with phasers.
>--Bridge shakes and lights go out--
CROW: [Janeway] Alll right...who forgot to pay the electric bill?
>--Kim is knocked out of his station and strikes his head--
MIKE: On purpose? Ouch!
TOM: I think he's just trying to get out of the fanfic as soon as possible.
> Tuvok: The Defiant hit us again. Shields at fifty percent, Captain.
> Janeway: Mr. Neelix, see to my ensign.
CROW: [Janeway, but as a prude English type] Make sure to wash him down, and
to reshoe him...I need him ready for the next race.
> Tuvok, is there any category in
>which the Voyager out performs the Defiant?
MIKE: [Tuvok] Shear stupidity?
TOM: [Janeway] Works for me...lets confuse the hell out of them!
> Tuvok: No Federation vessel surpasses the Voyager's maneuverability at
>high impulse speeds.
TOM: Yet they are still getting hit by phasers left and right...
CROW: Hey, don't blame the ship...its the flunkies that are running the
ship that are screwing it up!
> Chakotay: The Defiant is turning to make another attack.
> Janeway: Tom, take us into the Plasma storm. Do whatever you can to
>lose it.
CROW: Ok, now we're ripping off scenes from Star Trek II. This is
getting to be too much.
MIKE: Calm down, Crow...besides, this is a plasma storm...it was a
nebula in the movie.
CROW: But this *was* a nebula before they blew up the Borg cube..
MIKE: Ohhh...
>--Voyager dives to surface of plasma storm and doeges the giantic flares--
>--shooting up and down. The Defiant follows, firing more photon torpedoes--
> Chakotay: The Defiant is still behind us.
>--Voyager shakes with another blast--
> Tuvok: We've been hit with another phaser blast. Shields at thirty
>percent.
MIKE: [snaps to alertness as if asleep] Oh! ...was that an *action*
scene? I couldn't tell.
>--As the two ships turn a tight corner, the Defiant fires phasers and hits--
>--the Voyager again.--
ALL: [car squealing noises]
TOM: Wait! How can they turn a tight corner in space where there is nothing
that defined what the tight corner is?!
> Tuvok: Sheilds at ten percent. Life support is failing.
CROW: Audience attention span is gone. I repeat, audience attention span
is *gone*.
>--In engineering--
> B'Elanna: We've lost warp core stability. I'm attempting to regain
>control.
>--The Voyager barely clears a rising plasma flare. The Defiant passes--
>--through and explodes--
MIKE: [monotonously] And there was much rejoicing.
ALL: [monotonously] Yea.
>--On the bridge, the captain is seen.--
TOM: Yup, I think I would expect to see the caption on the bridge.
> B'Ellena's voice: I can't regain control of warp core stability! Warp
>core breach immin
>--B'ellena's message is cut short as a white light engulfs the scene--
ALL: Yea!!!! It's over!!!
>From al...@netcom.com Sun Mar 26 21:16:15 EST 1995
>Article: 20686 of alt.startrek.creative
>Newsgroups: alt.fan.q,alt.startrek.creative
>Path:
>caen!newsxfer.itd.umich.edu!agate!news.ucdavis.edu!csus.edu!netcom.com!aleph
>From: al...@netcom.com (Aleph Press) Subject: The Game Board (VOY, Q) Pt. 5
>(End) Message-ID: <alephD6...@netcom.com>
>Organization: NETCOM On-line Communication Services (408 261-4700 guest)
>Date: Sun, 26 Mar 1995 02:54:19 GMT
>Lines: 70
>Sender: al...@netcom.netcom.com
>Xref: caen alt.fan.q:3018 alt.startrek.creative:20686
ALL: BOOO!!
>This story is by Scott Gastineau, not by me. Send all e-mail and comments
>to Scott at gas...@wkuvx1.wku.edu.
> Part 5
>--Janeway opens her eyes and finds herself sitting in a wooden chair that--
>--is floating in outer space.
CROW: Let's forget about the fact that she should be dying from a lack
of atmosphere, shall we?
> Across a wooden table, Q and Q2 sit opposite--
>--of her. They are both holding their arms in a folded position, and they--
>--both look very angry.--
MIKE: The fate of the universe rests on the results of this staring
contest...
> Janeway: Where is the Voyager?
> Q2: The Voyager was vaporized.
> Q: Congratulations, Captain. You blew up your ship.
TOM: So...the goal of being a good caption depends on if you can blow
up your ship or not?
> Janeway: Then why am I here?
> Q2: Because you won the game before your ship was destroyed.
> Q: Really Janeway, you weren't even invited to play.
CROW: [Q] Gatecrasher.
> Janeway: It wasn't just me. Everyone aboard the Voyager beat you
>two, and we did it fairly.
TOM: [Janeway] Well, expect for Neelix, 'cause he only made food. Oh,
yea, and Kim knocked himself off, and Paris couldn't dodge any
phaser fire even though he had the faster ship in the quadrant
in his control, and Tuvok couldn't hit the broad ship of a
Warbird, and ...
[Mike places hand on Tom to stop him]
> Q2: (to Q) This is what you get for bringing her into the game!
> Q: Don't try to blame this fiasco on me! You sent the Voyager into
>the game!
> Janeway: Excuse me! I was told that once the game had ended that
>the Voyager and its crew would be free to leave.
CROW: [Q2] Ex-cuse me...but us omnipotent beings are trying to *talk*
here...could we have some privacy?!
> Q: Janeway, my dear, you may get up and walk away at any time, but
>without a ship I don't think you'll last very long in deep space.
TOM: [Q2] Yea, why don't you take a short walk off a long pier?
> Janeway: So why did the two of you bring me back?
> Q2: You see, we still both agree that the Voyager did not enter
>the game board by chance. Even if it was neither of us, some member of the
>continuum still brought you here, knowing full well what you would do.
MIKE: I guess that those other Continuum guys's prognosis of 'Run like Hell'
was wrong, then.
> Janeway: That doesn't change my situation.
> Q: It does change ours. It is very embarrassing for both of us to
>be defeated by a human, even a talented one.
CROW: [Q] Too bad we weren't defeated by one.
> Q2: So this is what you're going to do for us,
> Janeway: I'm not taking orders from either of you jokers.
TOM: [Janeway] Maybe kings or jacks, but definitely not jokers.
> Q: What my colleague meant to say was that we have a deal to offer
>you.
> Janeway: So what's the deal?
CROW: [Monty Hall] I'll give you $50 if you have a comb in your purse,
orrrr I'll let you have Curtain #3.
> Q: The only way that we can prevent news of this event from ever
>spreading is to stop the event from ever occuring. This requires your
>permission, and the permission of your crew, whom you may represent in this
>matter.
MIKE: [Q] If you would get your parents to sign these permission slips here...
> Basically, I and the charisma machine (gestures to Q2)
TOM: [monotonously] Oh...the comedy is sooo funny...
> will be the
>only beings ever to know what really occurred here. You will lose all
>memory of your accomplishment.
CROW: Not really that big a lose...too bad the same doesn't apply to
us.
> Janeway: But the Voyager would be restored to the condition that it
>was in before we entered the game board.
> Q: (to Q2) Isn't she a bright girl?
> Q2: I still don't like her. I like her even less now.
MIKE: A fanfic in which the character's likeability drops in the
later stages of the story?... *Nooooo*....
> Janeway: What if I also demand that we be returned to the Alpha
>Quadrant?
TOM: Oh, she just wants everything *her* way...
> Q: Can't do it.
> Q2: That would alert the other members of the continuum to the fact
>that something unusual happened between us. They could figure out the rest
>on their own.
MIKE: Well, if the rest of the Continuum is as [makes quotes] 'smart' as
these two, I don't you have anything to worry about...
> Q: No favors, or we gain nothing from the deal.
> Janeway: Then I accept the deal as it stands.
> Q: Allow me to do the honors. (raises his hand to snap his fingers)
> Q2: (hand shoots up and snaps fingers first)
ALL: [monotonously] Ha ha.
CROW: [monotonously] Oh, my side is splitting.
>--Another flash of white engulfs the scene--
TOM: Hey, turn down that glare!
>--Voyager glides through space--
> Janeway: Captain's log supplemental. The unidentified star that we
>were observing earlier has now vanished. If there was a wormhole there, then
>it's gone now. We are therefore resuming our original course towards
>Federation Space. It's a long road that lies ahead of us.
MIKE: *That's* definitely an understatement...
> I am not sure how
>we will be able to cope the crisises that we will face in the future. I'm not
> sure how I will handle the responsibility.
CROW: Oh no, she's breaking down! She's going mental!
> This is an untested ship, moving
>through space with an untested crew and an untested captain.
TOM: Well, I thought that they only put Starfleet graduates on board...
they must be getting lax nowadays.
> Ending
ALL: YEA!!!!
[All get up and leave]
MIKE: Thank goodness that's over...
...1...2...3...4...5...6...
[Mike and Tom move into shot from right]
MIKE: So I guess no matter what version of Star Trek, whether the original
series or Voyager, the fanfics are always going to be bad.
TOM: Yep, pretty much. Say, Mike...
[Tom is interrupted by Crow coming onto the scene quickly...he has a
sheath of papers in one hand]
CROW: Hey, guys, I just finished my latest screenplay!
MIKE & TOM: Oh, no...not again.
CROW: Oh, don't worry...it's not nearly as bad as the others...I put a lot
of time and effort into making sure every detail of this was correct...
[Hands copies to Mike and Tom]
MIKE: [reading cover] "Peter David At the University of Minnesota"? I
don't know, Crow...
TOM: This sounds very familiar
CROW: Oh, you two worry too much. It's *completely* new, and it's going to
take the world by storm. Come on, let's do the first scene...
MIKE: Ok...[reads script] So, I'm ...what again?
CROW: You're the admissions officer, and I've Peter Gr...[catches himself]
..Hehe...I mean, Peter *David*...
TOM: [backs off, muttering something, then tiredly...] Ok, on
3...2...1...Action!
[Crow moves towards Mike, who still has his head into the script]
CROW: [in a definite Peter *Graves* voice] Hello, I'm Peter David, and
I wish to register for classes at the University of Minnesota.
MIKE: [while reading] Ok, just sign you name here, Mr. David....[looks
up from script] There's something fishy here, Crow.
TOM: Let me see that script, Mike.
CROW: [nervously] No, that's all right...I still have to go through a
couple revisions before its through...hehe...
[Meanwhile, Mike has shown Tom the script]
TOM: [gasps,then] Crow, this is just your 'Peter Graves At the University
of Minnesota' script, with the word 'Graves' crossed out and 'David'
penciled in!
CROW: Well, er, the word processor was down, and I had to write the new scenes
by hand.
TOM: But Peter David never attended the University of Minnesota!
CROW: Well, he was nearby...a couple states away...
MIKE: And another thing, Crow, Peter David doesn't sound anything like
Peter Graves...
CROW: Well, er, um...you see [Mads light flash] Oh, look, the Mads are
calling [under breath] saved by the bell!
MIKE: We'll talk about this later Crow...[taps button]
[D13]
[Dr.F is at door to D13, undressed to a pair of lime green boxers. D13
looks *very* empty compared to before. Just stepping out of D13 is
somewhat dressed in a 3-piece suit with a briefcase. Dr. F seems
to be trying to argue with him...]
DR.F: But I didn't know they were his! I wouldn't want to infringe
on his copyrights! [The person leaves and slams door to D13]
Oh...forget it, my fortune's long gone. [To screen] All this
fuse over a few copyright laws, and a few extra claims that I
had, and I go from riches to rags in a matter of minutes.
[Frank, dresses as normal (black uniform) walks in eating a donut.]
FRANK: Hey, Dr.F...[notices Dr.F] Hey...nice briefs there, Doctor...
Hehe...
DR.F: FRANK! Get me my labcoat!
FRANK: Oh, sure, whatever you say. [goes offscreen] What happened anyway?
DR.F: Oh, Saban's lawyers just stopped by to sue me for infringing
on his copyrights on all those sci-fi shows. I'm broke, Frank...
flat broke!
FRANK: [back on screen, helps Dr.F into lab coat] There, there...it was
only a few measly million dollars...there's other fortunes to be
won out there [away from Dr.F] Yeah, right!
DR.F: [thoughtful] Yes, you're right, Frank...you're absolutely right!
There's a whole world of riches for me to earn! [Sternly] Quickly,
Frank, we must make plans! Push the button, Frank.
FRANK: Oh, sure, your penniless one... [pushes button]
\ | /
- 0 -
/ | \
DR.F: [offscreen] Frank, can I borrow a twenty?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are
trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.
Star Trek: Voyager and its related characters and situations are
tradamarks of and (c) 1995 by Paramount. All rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by Best Brains, Inc. or Paramount is intended or should be inferred.
This piece of fiction is only for the sake of entertainment. It should
not be taken as a personal attack of the original author.
If you wish to write your own MiSTing, contact the MiSTings Dibs List,
at misties...@jg.cso.uiuc.edu, with the body containing your
wish to subscribe to the list.
This MiSTing is Copyright (c) 1995 Michael K. Neylon.
Michael K. Neylon
mne...@engin.umich.edu
April 25, 1995
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
>A while back, Q saved the
>multiverse as we know it from total annihilation, and then traveled to a
>parallel universe and told Peter David all about it.
--
Michael K. Neylon, Graduate Student | "It was a dark and stormy
Dept. of ChE, Univ. of Michigan | night...I had just
mne...@engin.umich.edu | taken a creative
http://www.engin.umich.edu/labs/mel/mneylon/ | writing course..." MST3K