Servo: He's got to Tegan for his agent?
Doctor: Must get tiring hearing her complaining about
being stuck in the TARDIS.
>> Marina Martin & Associates, into the
>> room and open
Crow: Al Capone's vault to embarass Geraldo some more.
>>the jury to their interpretation of
Doctor: Macbeth, speaking only in Esperanto.
>> the website data about
>> the violent
>>nonconsensual sex it points at their client.
Servo: Uh, does anyone know what she's talking about?
Crow: Her own dark fantasies.
>> expose the
Doctor: Backside of Drew Carrey to get better ratings.
>>comments of Michael Hirsch,
Crow: I'm Michael Hirsch.
Servo: And I'm Judd Hirsch.
Crow & Servo: No relation.
>> the CEO
Doctor: Can't Eat Oreo's.
>> of Nelvana,
>> the woman
Servo (Beau Brummel): Woman!
>>who wrote this tract
Crow: The Time-Satan, by Jack Chick.
>> claimed earlier had no knowledge of me.
Servo: We refuse to aknowledge your existence.
Crow: Like every other fan.
>> If they
>>had no knowledge of me or Doctor Who,
Servo: Ladies and gentlemen, the famous Who sketch!
>> why did
Doctor (McCoy): A dummy of me to burn in effigy?
>> from me, and
>>get, a meeting between me and them in
Servo: The bathroom at Holee Crullers?
>> their offices
>> Rossmore and
>>Wilshire in Los Angeles on 12th November
Crow: Why doesn't she use the American dating system?
Servo: Because she thinks she has a better chance
of getting lucky in England.
>>Ask the right questions and digest your findings.
Crow: Then take some Pepto Bismol for indigestion.
>>I will not be going to Visions '97 this year, or any year, because I
>>simply don't go to conventions.
Doctor: Because if you did, you would die quicker than I
did in San Francisco.
>> I'm shy and somewhat scared
>>numbers of people.
Servo: Espescially when they're armed with pick-axes and dressed
up like the Insane Clown Posse.
>> And being phoned by
Crow: Candice Bergman asking me to switch to MCI.
>> somebody I
don't know and
>>threatened until I
Doctor (McCoy): Jump out of a window and kiss the pavement.
Servo: Is it me, or has this experience hardened you?
Doctor: Deal with it, pink boy.
>> leave my job frightens me even more.
Crow: I can only imagine the fright she gets when she looks
in the mirror.
>> Now I know
Doctor: Why the caged bird sings.
Servo: To drown out McMutie's rambling.
>>Janet meant when she said what she did
Crow: Invested in William Conrad's Fridge Alert.
>> ... but
anyway, my reason for
>>writing this is because
Servo: You enjoy torturing two bots and a badly dressed Time Lord.
>> I'm pissed off that
Crow: Sandy Frank won't return my calls.
>> this person
>>McLaughlin of Visions and was nasty to him.
Doctor: Saying things like, "Your mother was a Pythia!"
>> This person claims they
Servo: Didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world's
>>didn't threaten me but here they are threatening Bob? Who's lying here?
Servo: Clinton or Lewinsky?
Crow: Why do I even care?
>>Please send Bob your love and
Crow: A nice box of chocolate fudge.
>> best wishes because he's
Doctor: He has soccer practice in the morning.
>> and he
>>needs support at this time.
Doctor: Our condolence's to *anyone* who's ever had contact
>> I know very well what he just
Servo: Having to sit through a double feature of Star Kid
and The Postman.
>>and so does Glen at ain't-it-cool news.
Crow: Who is currently sending all his spies to put a
cap up McMoron's behind.
>> The circle of
Doctor (McCoy): As I drag more and more into my twisted
>> and it's all coming from one person.
Crow: The biglitch in the mirror.
to coin a phrase...
Doctor: We're all going to heck in a hand-full of dust.
>>"Never Cowardly or Cruel."
Servo: "Always Long Winded and Full of Bull."
>>To sling mud and potshots from behind a fake name and an org, and do
>>something to somebody and then run is cowardly.
Crow: Well, it's smarter than advertising your questionable
take on reality in a letter.
>>To threaten a fan who's just trying to run a convention and threaten to
>>ruin his convention if he doesn't obey them is cruel.
Servo (singing): Don't be cruel, to a fan who drools...
>>And I plan to give Doctor Who fans back their series, or die trying.
Doctor: Where did I leave Kadiatu's number?
Crow: Nah, sic Ace and Leela on her.
Servo: A name Whovians will curse from loom to tomb.
>>P.S. And I don't go to conventions, so it's all bogus anyway.
Crow (surfer voice): Like, it's totally bogus man. Just a
bunch of geeks dressed like the second extra on the
right in "Generations".
I plan to
>>spend Thanksgiving weekend playing Sonic The Hedgehog
Servo: Well, if she fails to bring Doctor Who back, there's always
Crow: Don't encourage her.
and eating a whole
>>S@#t-load of mashed potatoes!
Doctor: Oh. Funny. It is to laugh.
Servo: Let's get out of here before she start's her disertation on
why the world's out to get her.
(all exit theatre)
(SOL- Tom and Crow are standing around the console playing cards,
while the Doctor paces nervously)
Doctor: Where in Rassilon's hoary beard is he? I'm due to meet Benny
at a cafe anytime now!
Crow: Is the waiter's name Jean-Luc?
(suddenly, a groaning and wheezing begins to fill the room)
Servo: Either the TARDIS is about to arrive, or Hughm
Cronin's climbing some stairs!
(TARDIS slowly materialises in front of Hexfield View-Screen.
The doors open and Mike steps out)
Mike: Sorry it took so long, guys. I had to drop Mother Forrester
and her hellspawn back in Deep 13. So, how did the post go?
Doctor: I'd rather not talk about it. I'm late for a very important-
(The Doctor is interupted when Torgo, going at mach speed, jumps
out of the TARDIS doors and tackles him)
Torgo-Master: I WiLL...HavE yOuR BoDy...DoCTor!
(begins trying to kiss the Doctor)
Doctor: Help me! I never wanted to get *this* close
to my worst enemy! And certainly not in this body!
Mike (jumping on Torgo-Master's back): Tom, Crow!
Go get something to help me!
Crow: I'll go get that chainsaw I used in my last escape attempt!
Servo: I'll go get some of my underwear!
(both rush of screen)
Doctor (choking): Hurry! His knees are crushing me!
(Mike finally wrestles Torgo-Master's off of the Doctor, and they fly
back into the Tardis, resulting in an loud racket. The doors suddenly
close, and the TARDIS begins to dematerialise again)
Doctor (jumping up, futiley banging on the TARDIS door): Come back here!
What are you doing?! Press the red button, that should stop it!
(his last swings go through the now absent TARDIS)
Doctor (sinking to his knees): Oh, that's just fine and dandy!
Now I'm stuck here! Thank you God, thank you so bloody much!!!
(Crow and Servo come back in, with chainsaw and pairs of underwear)
Crow: Say, where did Mike, Torgo, and the TARDIS go?
Doctor (rising, walking to counter): Maybe you guys should sit down...
Servo: Oh no, you don't mean...we're stuck with you?
Doctor: I'm afraid so.
Crow: Well, this will give you time to remember your name!
(Doctor's head sinks on counter, as light begins flashing)
(D13- Pearl is standing in front of screen, as we hear
retching sounds in the background)
Pearl: Well, Clayton should be in there a while, Doctor. In the
meantime, what say you and I have a nice candle-lit dinner for two?
(as screen fades to black, we continue to hear Dr. F retch)
Mystery Science Theatre 3000 and it's related characters and
situations are trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc.
All rights reserved.
Doctor Who and it's related characters and situations are
trademarks of and (c) BBC Broadcasting. All rights reserved.
"And I dare web terrorist to show what a big @#*% web terrorist
has -- and it certianly must be a big one because web terrorist
has spent a lot of website-building time describing it going up
Paul McGann's backside --"