MiSTed: The Tale of Grumpy Weasel, Chapter 1 [ 1 / 1 ]

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Joseph Nebus

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Nov 23, 2022, 11:04:23 PM11/23/22
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> SLEEPY-TIME TALES

JOEL: Good-night.

> (Trademark Registered)

TOM: Copyright trademark do not steal I already mailed it to myself.

>
> THE TALE OF

CROW: Terrors!

> GRUMPY

CROW: Or mild crankiness!

> WEASEL

TOM: We's al what?

> BY
> ARTHUR SCOTT BAILEY

JOEL: Weasels are by Arthur Scott Bailey?
TOM: That's not as good as the time Beatrix Potter created kangaroos.

> Author of
> "TUCK-ME-IN TALES"

CROW: The official tales of Forrest Tucker!

> (Trademark Registered)

TOM: Copyright trademark do not steal.

>
>
> ILLUSTRATED BY

JOEL: Pictures! Your leading image source!

> HARRY L. SMITH

CROW: CBS News.

>
>
>
> NEW YORK

JOEL: Illustrated by Harry L Smith *and* New York?

> GROSSET & DUNLAP

TOM: Wallace and Grosset?

> PUBLISHERS
> Made in the United States of America

CROW: o/` Made! In the USA! o/`

>
> Copyright, 1920, BY
> GROSSET & DUNLAP

JOEL: The tire people?

>
> CONTENTS

TOM: Malcontents!


> CHAPTER PAGE
> I A Slim Rascal 1
> II At the Old Stone Wall 5
> III Master Robin's Lesson 9

CORW: A haiku!

> IV Hunting a Hole 13

JOEL: Where the rain gets in ...

> V Solomon Owl Interrupts 18
> VI Mr. Meadow Mouse Escapes 23

CROW: A crossover with the _Tale of Mister Meadow Mouse_? Dare we hope?

> VII Paddy Muskrat's Blunder 28
> VIII The Dare 33

TOM: The Double Dare!
CROW: We do dare!

> IX Saving His Feet 38

JOEL: For marriage!

> X Ha! and Ha, Ha! 42

CROW: They say it's hard to understand old-time humor but I don't know, this makes sense to me.

> XI A Long Race 46
> XII Winning by a Trick 51
> XIII Silly Mrs. Hen 56

TOM: Silly Mrs Hen sleeps in the park, shaves in the dark, trying to save paper.

> XIV Grumpy Vanishes 60
> XV The Great Mystery 64
> XVI Guarding the Corncrib 69

CROW: Corncrib?

> XVII Grumpy's Mistake 73
> XVIII Pop! Goes the Weasel 78

TOM: I bet Arthur Scott Bailey wrote this whole book just for that chapter title.

> XIX Hiding from Henry Hawk 83

JOEL: 'Enery the 'Awk, 'e is.

> XX A Free Ride 88
> XXI A New Suit 93
> XXII Grumpy's Threat 98

CROW: Wait, we only spend five pages on the new suit?

> XXIII A Bold Stranger 103
> XXIV Fur and Feathers 107

TOM: Sounds like a New Wave band's big song.

> XXV Peter Mink's Promise 112

JOEL: I knew a Peter Mink back in high school.

> XXVI How Grumpy Helped 116

TOM: Did he slug someone? I bet he slugged someone.

>
> ILLUSTRATIONS
> FACING PAGE

JOEL: Oh, that'll make them easier to see.

> Grumpy Weasel and Jimmy Rabbit Run a Race. Frontispiece

CROW: 'Tis piece, 'tis.

> Master Robin Escapes From Grumpy Weasel. 10
> Grumpy Nearly Catches Paddy Muskrat. 34
> Grumpy Calls on Mrs. Hen. 50

TOM: [ Yelling ] Yo! Mrs Hen!

> Grumpy Weasel Visits the Corncrib. 74

JOEL: Corncrib.

> Sandy Chipmunk Runs from Grumpy Weasel. 98

TOM: Sounds like this book is all people avoiding Grumpy Weasel.

>
> THE TALE OF GRUMPY WEASEL

CROW: What kind of animal do you suppose Grumpy is?
JOEL: Oh, he's a pronghorn antelope.
TOM: Named 'Weasel'?
JOEL: That's why he's grumpy.

>
> I

TOM: I, Weasel.
JOEL: I M Weasel.
CROW: Eh.

>
> A SLIM RASCAL

CROW: But a cute little dickens!

>
> Old Mr. Crow

JOEL: [ Nudges CROW ]
CROW: WHat?

> often remarked that if Grumpy Weasel
> really wanted to be of some use in the world he would spend
> his time at the sawmill filling knot holes in boards.

JOEL: It's a weird hill to die on, but Old Mr Crow's chosen it.
TOM: Who wants to be of use in the world? I want to play Animal Crossing and eat cheese.

>
> "He's so slender," Mr. Crow would say,

ALL: How slender is he?

> "that he can
> push himself into a knot hole no bigger round than Farmer
> Green's thumb."

JOEL: Huh.
CROW: Welp, guess that *is* slender.
TOM: Not going to match *any* celebrities on that one. Even Richard Dawson is like, really? You're leaving me with *that*?

>
> Naturally it did not please old Mr. Crow

CROW: I don't know, I feel pretty indifferent about hearing this myself.

> when Solomon
> Owl went out of his way one day to tell him that he was sadly
> mistaken.

TOM: Classic Solomon Owl, though.

> For after hearing some gossip repeat Mr. Crow's
> opinion Solomon Owl---the wise old bird---

CROW: [ As Solomon ] Bird? Oh, no, no, I'm a dikdik, my family married into the Owls is all.

> had given several
> long hoots and hurried off,

JOEL: Well, you want me to hoot I'll hoot but that's your business.

> though it was broad daylight, to
> set Mr. Crow right.

CROW: I tell you, I have no emotional investment in whether Grumpy Weasel should be filling knotholes down at the sawmill.

>
> "The trouble---" Solomon explained when he had found
> Mr. Crow on the edge of the woods---

TOM: Trouble? In River City?

> "the trouble with your
> plan to have Grumpy Weasel work in the sawmill is that he
> wouldn't keep a knot hole filled longer than a jiffy.

JOEL: [ As Lum Edwards ] OK, Abner, I was sayin' Grumpy Weasel *could*, not ...
TOM: [ As Abner Peabody ] And another thing, Lum ...

> It's
> true that he can fit a very small hole.

CROW: Or one medium-size divot.
JOEL: A decent-sized pock mark.
TOM: Heck near any rilles.

> But if you'd ever
> watched him closely you'd know that he's in a hole and out
> the other side so fast you can scarcely see what happens.

CROW: So the whole watching thing is pointless, right?
TOM: The *hole* watching thing.

> He's entirely too active to fill the bill."

JOEL: No bill-filling. Try a Kyle or a Tom first.

>
> Old Mr. Crow made a queer noise in his throat, which
> showed that Solomon Owl had made him angry.

CROW: All I can imagine is doing that weird Picard laugh?

>
> "I never said anything about Grumpy Weasel's filling
> any bills," Mr. Crow spluttered.

TOM: Good, cause if you fill a bird's bill how can they talk?

> "Knot holes were what I had
> in mind.

JOEL: If they're not holes how can you fill them?

> I've no doubt, though, that you'd like Grumpy Weasel
> to fill your own bill."

TOM: [ As Solomon ] Wait, are you telling me to eat Grumpy Weasel? Dikdiks don't eat weasels! I'm pretty sure? Let me check my manual.

>
> Now, if Solomon Owl had not tried more than once to
> catch Grumpy Weasel perhaps Mr. Crow's retort wouldn't have
> made him feel so uncomfortable.

JOEL: Oh, they got *history*.
CROW: Yeah, this is like Will Smith's slap only about weasels filling holes.

> And muttering that he wished
> when people spoke of his beak they wouldn't call it a bill,

JOEL: Maybe call it a william, show some respect?

> and that Mr. Crow was too stupid to talk to,

TOM: OooooOOOh! Hey, Crow?
CROW: Shut up.

> Solomon
> blundered away into the woods.

JOEL: Bonk!
CROW: Ow ow owie ow ow who put a tree ---
JOEL: Crash!
CROW: My bills!

>
> It was true, of course, that Grumpy Weasel was about
> the quickest of all the furred folk in Pleasant Valley.

CROW: Also we're in Pleasant Valley.
TOM: Also the birds count as 'furred folk'.

> Why,
> you might be looking at him as he stopped for a moment on a
> stone wall;

JOEL: It's your business, not mine.

> and while you looked he would vanish before your
> eyes.

TOM: *Your* eyes, maybe.

> It was just as if he had melted away in an instant, so
> quickly could he dart into a crevice between the stones.

JOEL: Weasels melt in your mouth, not in your stones.
TOM: What?

>
> It was surprising, too, that he could whisk himself
> out of sight so fast,

CROW: Is this some introvert-pride brag?

> for his body was absurdly long. But if
> he was long in one way he was short in another.

JOEL: Y'know if you have too much of one spatial dimension the others will shrink to balance out.

> Yes! Grumpy
> Weasel had the shortest temper of all the field- and
> forest-folk throughout Pleasant Valley.

TOM: Short but deep. Dimensions again.

> Even peppery Peter
> Mink was not so short-tempered as he.

TOM: Boy, everybody's talking about Peter Mink these days.

>
> So terrible tempered was Grumpy Weasel that whenever
> the news flashed through the woods that he was out hunting,
> all the small people kept quite still,

CROW: Well wait, if they were so small, then they'd compensate by being the widest beasts in town!

> because they were
> afraid. And even some of the bigger ones---a good deal bigger
> than Grumpy Weasel himself---felt uneasy.

TOM: Not from his temper but from his tiresome political lectures.

>
> So you can see whether or not Grumpy Weasel was
> welcome.

JOEL: Uh ... yes?
TOM: I'm going to say 'no'?
CROW: I'm writing in 'The Beatles'.

[ End of Chapter One. To be continued ? ... ]

--
Joseph Nebus
Math Blog: https://nebusresearch.wordpress.com
Humor Blog: https://nebushumor.wordpress.com
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