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Joseph Nebus
Nov 23, 2022, 11:04:23 PM11/23/22
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> SLEEPY-TIME TALES
JOEL: Good-night.
> (Trademark Registered)
TOM: Copyright trademark do not steal I already mailed it to myself.
>
> THE TALE OF
CROW: Terrors!
> GRUMPY
CROW: Or mild crankiness!
> WEASEL
TOM: We's al what?
> BY
> ARTHUR SCOTT BAILEY
JOEL: Weasels are by Arthur Scott Bailey?
TOM: That's not as good as the time Beatrix Potter created kangaroos.
> Author of
> "TUCK-ME-IN TALES"
CROW: The official tales of Forrest Tucker!
> (Trademark Registered)
TOM: Copyright trademark do not steal.
>
>
> ILLUSTRATED BY
JOEL: Pictures! Your leading image source!
> HARRY L. SMITH
CROW: CBS News.
>
>
>
> NEW YORK
JOEL: Illustrated by Harry L Smith *and* New York?
> GROSSET & DUNLAP
TOM: Wallace and Grosset?
> PUBLISHERS
> Made in the United States of America
CROW: o/` Made! In the USA! o/`
>
> Copyright, 1920, BY
> GROSSET & DUNLAP
JOEL: The tire people?
>
> CONTENTS
TOM: Malcontents!
> CHAPTER PAGE
> I A Slim Rascal 1
> II At the Old Stone Wall 5
> III Master Robin's Lesson 9
CORW: A haiku!
> IV Hunting a Hole 13
JOEL: Where the rain gets in ...
> V Solomon Owl Interrupts 18
> VI Mr. Meadow Mouse Escapes 23
CROW: A crossover with the _Tale of Mister Meadow Mouse_? Dare we hope?
> VII Paddy Muskrat's Blunder 28
> VIII The Dare 33
TOM: The Double Dare!
CROW: We do dare!
> IX Saving His Feet 38
JOEL: For marriage!
> X Ha! and Ha, Ha! 42
CROW: They say it's hard to understand old-time humor but I don't know, this makes sense to me.
> XI A Long Race 46
> XII Winning by a Trick 51
> XIII Silly Mrs. Hen 56
TOM: Silly Mrs Hen sleeps in the park, shaves in the dark, trying to save paper.
> XIV Grumpy Vanishes 60
> XV The Great Mystery 64
> XVI Guarding the Corncrib 69
CROW: Corncrib?
> XVII Grumpy's Mistake 73
> XVIII Pop! Goes the Weasel 78
TOM: I bet Arthur Scott Bailey wrote this whole book just for that chapter title.
> XIX Hiding from Henry Hawk 83
JOEL: 'Enery the 'Awk, 'e is.
> XX A Free Ride 88
> XXI A New Suit 93
> XXII Grumpy's Threat 98
CROW: Wait, we only spend five pages on the new suit?
> XXIII A Bold Stranger 103
> XXIV Fur and Feathers 107
TOM: Sounds like a New Wave band's big song.
> XXV Peter Mink's Promise 112
JOEL: I knew a Peter Mink back in high school.
> XXVI How Grumpy Helped 116
TOM: Did he slug someone? I bet he slugged someone.
>
> ILLUSTRATIONS
> FACING PAGE
JOEL: Oh, that'll make them easier to see.
> Grumpy Weasel and Jimmy Rabbit Run a Race. Frontispiece
CROW: 'Tis piece, 'tis.
> Master Robin Escapes From Grumpy Weasel. 10
> Grumpy Nearly Catches Paddy Muskrat. 34
> Grumpy Calls on Mrs. Hen. 50
TOM: [ Yelling ] Yo! Mrs Hen!
> Grumpy Weasel Visits the Corncrib. 74
JOEL: Corncrib.
> Sandy Chipmunk Runs from Grumpy Weasel. 98
TOM: Sounds like this book is all people avoiding Grumpy Weasel.
>
> THE TALE OF GRUMPY WEASEL
CROW: What kind of animal do you suppose Grumpy is?
JOEL: Oh, he's a pronghorn antelope.
TOM: Named 'Weasel'?
JOEL: That's why he's grumpy.
>
> I
TOM: I, Weasel.
JOEL: I M Weasel.
CROW: Eh.
>
> A SLIM RASCAL
CROW: But a cute little dickens!
>
> Old Mr. Crow
JOEL: [ Nudges CROW ]
CROW: WHat?
> often remarked that if Grumpy Weasel
> really wanted to be of some use in the world he would spend
> his time at the sawmill filling knot holes in boards.
JOEL: It's a weird hill to die on, but Old Mr Crow's chosen it.
TOM: Who wants to be of use in the world? I want to play Animal Crossing and eat cheese.
>
> "He's so slender," Mr. Crow would say,
ALL: How slender is he?
> "that he can
> push himself into a knot hole no bigger round than Farmer
> Green's thumb."
JOEL: Huh.
CROW: Welp, guess that *is* slender.
TOM: Not going to match *any* celebrities on that one. Even Richard Dawson is like, really? You're leaving me with *that*?
>
> Naturally it did not please old Mr. Crow
CROW: I don't know, I feel pretty indifferent about hearing this myself.
> when Solomon
> Owl went out of his way one day to tell him that he was sadly
> mistaken.
TOM: Classic Solomon Owl, though.
> For after hearing some gossip repeat Mr. Crow's
> opinion Solomon Owl---the wise old bird---
CROW: [ As Solomon ] Bird? Oh, no, no, I'm a dikdik, my family married into the Owls is all.
> had given several
> long hoots and hurried off,
JOEL: Well, you want me to hoot I'll hoot but that's your business.
> though it was broad daylight, to
> set Mr. Crow right.
CROW: I tell you, I have no emotional investment in whether Grumpy Weasel should be filling knotholes down at the sawmill.
>
> "The trouble---" Solomon explained when he had found
> Mr. Crow on the edge of the woods---
TOM: Trouble? In River City?
> "the trouble with your
> plan to have Grumpy Weasel work in the sawmill is that he
> wouldn't keep a knot hole filled longer than a jiffy.
JOEL: [ As Lum Edwards ] OK, Abner, I was sayin' Grumpy Weasel *could*, not ...
TOM: [ As Abner Peabody ] And another thing, Lum ...
> It's
> true that he can fit a very small hole.
CROW: Or one medium-size divot.
JOEL: A decent-sized pock mark.
TOM: Heck near any rilles.
> But if you'd ever
> watched him closely you'd know that he's in a hole and out
> the other side so fast you can scarcely see what happens.
CROW: So the whole watching thing is pointless, right?
TOM: The *hole* watching thing.
> He's entirely too active to fill the bill."
JOEL: No bill-filling. Try a Kyle or a Tom first.
>
> Old Mr. Crow made a queer noise in his throat, which
> showed that Solomon Owl had made him angry.
CROW: All I can imagine is doing that weird Picard laugh?
>
> "I never said anything about Grumpy Weasel's filling
> any bills," Mr. Crow spluttered.
TOM: Good, cause if you fill a bird's bill how can they talk?
> "Knot holes were what I had
> in mind.
JOEL: If they're not holes how can you fill them?
> I've no doubt, though, that you'd like Grumpy Weasel
> to fill your own bill."
TOM: [ As Solomon ] Wait, are you telling me to eat Grumpy Weasel? Dikdiks don't eat weasels! I'm pretty sure? Let me check my manual.
>
> Now, if Solomon Owl had not tried more than once to
> catch Grumpy Weasel perhaps Mr. Crow's retort wouldn't have
> made him feel so uncomfortable.
JOEL: Oh, they got *history*.
CROW: Yeah, this is like Will Smith's slap only about weasels filling holes.
> And muttering that he wished
> when people spoke of his beak they wouldn't call it a bill,
JOEL: Maybe call it a william, show some respect?
> and that Mr. Crow was too stupid to talk to,
TOM: OooooOOOh! Hey, Crow?
CROW: Shut up.
> Solomon
> blundered away into the woods.
JOEL: Bonk!
CROW: Ow ow owie ow ow who put a tree ---
JOEL: Crash!
CROW: My bills!
>
> It was true, of course, that Grumpy Weasel was about
> the quickest of all the furred folk in Pleasant Valley.
CROW: Also we're in Pleasant Valley.
TOM: Also the birds count as 'furred folk'.
> Why,
> you might be looking at him as he stopped for a moment on a
> stone wall;
JOEL: It's your business, not mine.
> and while you looked he would vanish before your
> eyes.
TOM: *Your* eyes, maybe.
> It was just as if he had melted away in an instant, so
> quickly could he dart into a crevice between the stones.
JOEL: Weasels melt in your mouth, not in your stones.
TOM: What?
>
> It was surprising, too, that he could whisk himself
> out of sight so fast,
CROW: Is this some introvert-pride brag?
> for his body was absurdly long. But if
> he was long in one way he was short in another.
JOEL: Y'know if you have too much of one spatial dimension the others will shrink to balance out.
> Yes! Grumpy
> Weasel had the shortest temper of all the field- and
> forest-folk throughout Pleasant Valley.
TOM: Short but deep. Dimensions again.
> Even peppery Peter
> Mink was not so short-tempered as he.
TOM: Boy, everybody's talking about Peter Mink these days.
>
> So terrible tempered was Grumpy Weasel that whenever
> the news flashed through the woods that he was out hunting,
> all the small people kept quite still,
CROW: Well wait, if they were so small, then they'd compensate by being the widest beasts in town!
> because they were
> afraid. And even some of the bigger ones---a good deal bigger
> than Grumpy Weasel himself---felt uneasy.
TOM: Not from his temper but from his tiresome political lectures.
>
> So you can see whether or not Grumpy Weasel was
> welcome.
JOEL: Uh ... yes?
TOM: I'm going to say 'no'?
CROW: I'm writing in 'The Beatles'.
[ End of Chapter One. To be continued ? ... ]
--
Joseph Nebus
Math Blog: https://nebusresearch.wordpress.com
Humor Blog: https://nebushumor.wordpress.com
--------------------------------------------------------+---------------------
JOEL: Good-night.
> (Trademark Registered)
TOM: Copyright trademark do not steal I already mailed it to myself.
>
> THE TALE OF
CROW: Terrors!
> GRUMPY
CROW: Or mild crankiness!
> WEASEL
TOM: We's al what?
> BY
> ARTHUR SCOTT BAILEY
JOEL: Weasels are by Arthur Scott Bailey?
TOM: That's not as good as the time Beatrix Potter created kangaroos.
> Author of
> "TUCK-ME-IN TALES"
CROW: The official tales of Forrest Tucker!
> (Trademark Registered)
TOM: Copyright trademark do not steal.
>
>
> ILLUSTRATED BY
JOEL: Pictures! Your leading image source!
> HARRY L. SMITH
CROW: CBS News.
>
>
>
> NEW YORK
JOEL: Illustrated by Harry L Smith *and* New York?
> GROSSET & DUNLAP
TOM: Wallace and Grosset?
> PUBLISHERS
> Made in the United States of America
CROW: o/` Made! In the USA! o/`
>
> Copyright, 1920, BY
> GROSSET & DUNLAP
JOEL: The tire people?
>
> CONTENTS
TOM: Malcontents!
> CHAPTER PAGE
> I A Slim Rascal 1
> II At the Old Stone Wall 5
> III Master Robin's Lesson 9
CORW: A haiku!
> IV Hunting a Hole 13
JOEL: Where the rain gets in ...
> V Solomon Owl Interrupts 18
> VI Mr. Meadow Mouse Escapes 23
CROW: A crossover with the _Tale of Mister Meadow Mouse_? Dare we hope?
> VII Paddy Muskrat's Blunder 28
> VIII The Dare 33
TOM: The Double Dare!
CROW: We do dare!
> IX Saving His Feet 38
JOEL: For marriage!
> X Ha! and Ha, Ha! 42
CROW: They say it's hard to understand old-time humor but I don't know, this makes sense to me.
> XI A Long Race 46
> XII Winning by a Trick 51
> XIII Silly Mrs. Hen 56
TOM: Silly Mrs Hen sleeps in the park, shaves in the dark, trying to save paper.
> XIV Grumpy Vanishes 60
> XV The Great Mystery 64
> XVI Guarding the Corncrib 69
CROW: Corncrib?
> XVII Grumpy's Mistake 73
> XVIII Pop! Goes the Weasel 78
TOM: I bet Arthur Scott Bailey wrote this whole book just for that chapter title.
> XIX Hiding from Henry Hawk 83
JOEL: 'Enery the 'Awk, 'e is.
> XX A Free Ride 88
> XXI A New Suit 93
> XXII Grumpy's Threat 98
CROW: Wait, we only spend five pages on the new suit?
> XXIII A Bold Stranger 103
> XXIV Fur and Feathers 107
TOM: Sounds like a New Wave band's big song.
> XXV Peter Mink's Promise 112
JOEL: I knew a Peter Mink back in high school.
> XXVI How Grumpy Helped 116
TOM: Did he slug someone? I bet he slugged someone.
>
> ILLUSTRATIONS
> FACING PAGE
JOEL: Oh, that'll make them easier to see.
> Grumpy Weasel and Jimmy Rabbit Run a Race. Frontispiece
CROW: 'Tis piece, 'tis.
> Master Robin Escapes From Grumpy Weasel. 10
> Grumpy Nearly Catches Paddy Muskrat. 34
> Grumpy Calls on Mrs. Hen. 50
TOM: [ Yelling ] Yo! Mrs Hen!
> Grumpy Weasel Visits the Corncrib. 74
JOEL: Corncrib.
> Sandy Chipmunk Runs from Grumpy Weasel. 98
TOM: Sounds like this book is all people avoiding Grumpy Weasel.
>
> THE TALE OF GRUMPY WEASEL
CROW: What kind of animal do you suppose Grumpy is?
JOEL: Oh, he's a pronghorn antelope.
TOM: Named 'Weasel'?
JOEL: That's why he's grumpy.
>
> I
TOM: I, Weasel.
JOEL: I M Weasel.
CROW: Eh.
>
> A SLIM RASCAL
CROW: But a cute little dickens!
>
> Old Mr. Crow
JOEL: [ Nudges CROW ]
CROW: WHat?
> often remarked that if Grumpy Weasel
> really wanted to be of some use in the world he would spend
> his time at the sawmill filling knot holes in boards.
JOEL: It's a weird hill to die on, but Old Mr Crow's chosen it.
TOM: Who wants to be of use in the world? I want to play Animal Crossing and eat cheese.
>
> "He's so slender," Mr. Crow would say,
ALL: How slender is he?
> "that he can
> push himself into a knot hole no bigger round than Farmer
> Green's thumb."
JOEL: Huh.
CROW: Welp, guess that *is* slender.
TOM: Not going to match *any* celebrities on that one. Even Richard Dawson is like, really? You're leaving me with *that*?
>
> Naturally it did not please old Mr. Crow
CROW: I don't know, I feel pretty indifferent about hearing this myself.
> when Solomon
> Owl went out of his way one day to tell him that he was sadly
> mistaken.
TOM: Classic Solomon Owl, though.
> For after hearing some gossip repeat Mr. Crow's
> opinion Solomon Owl---the wise old bird---
CROW: [ As Solomon ] Bird? Oh, no, no, I'm a dikdik, my family married into the Owls is all.
> had given several
> long hoots and hurried off,
JOEL: Well, you want me to hoot I'll hoot but that's your business.
> though it was broad daylight, to
> set Mr. Crow right.
CROW: I tell you, I have no emotional investment in whether Grumpy Weasel should be filling knotholes down at the sawmill.
>
> "The trouble---" Solomon explained when he had found
> Mr. Crow on the edge of the woods---
TOM: Trouble? In River City?
> "the trouble with your
> plan to have Grumpy Weasel work in the sawmill is that he
> wouldn't keep a knot hole filled longer than a jiffy.
JOEL: [ As Lum Edwards ] OK, Abner, I was sayin' Grumpy Weasel *could*, not ...
TOM: [ As Abner Peabody ] And another thing, Lum ...
> It's
> true that he can fit a very small hole.
CROW: Or one medium-size divot.
JOEL: A decent-sized pock mark.
TOM: Heck near any rilles.
> But if you'd ever
> watched him closely you'd know that he's in a hole and out
> the other side so fast you can scarcely see what happens.
CROW: So the whole watching thing is pointless, right?
TOM: The *hole* watching thing.
> He's entirely too active to fill the bill."
JOEL: No bill-filling. Try a Kyle or a Tom first.
>
> Old Mr. Crow made a queer noise in his throat, which
> showed that Solomon Owl had made him angry.
CROW: All I can imagine is doing that weird Picard laugh?
>
> "I never said anything about Grumpy Weasel's filling
> any bills," Mr. Crow spluttered.
TOM: Good, cause if you fill a bird's bill how can they talk?
> "Knot holes were what I had
> in mind.
JOEL: If they're not holes how can you fill them?
> I've no doubt, though, that you'd like Grumpy Weasel
> to fill your own bill."
TOM: [ As Solomon ] Wait, are you telling me to eat Grumpy Weasel? Dikdiks don't eat weasels! I'm pretty sure? Let me check my manual.
>
> Now, if Solomon Owl had not tried more than once to
> catch Grumpy Weasel perhaps Mr. Crow's retort wouldn't have
> made him feel so uncomfortable.
JOEL: Oh, they got *history*.
CROW: Yeah, this is like Will Smith's slap only about weasels filling holes.
> And muttering that he wished
> when people spoke of his beak they wouldn't call it a bill,
JOEL: Maybe call it a william, show some respect?
> and that Mr. Crow was too stupid to talk to,
TOM: OooooOOOh! Hey, Crow?
CROW: Shut up.
> Solomon
> blundered away into the woods.
JOEL: Bonk!
CROW: Ow ow owie ow ow who put a tree ---
JOEL: Crash!
CROW: My bills!
>
> It was true, of course, that Grumpy Weasel was about
> the quickest of all the furred folk in Pleasant Valley.
CROW: Also we're in Pleasant Valley.
TOM: Also the birds count as 'furred folk'.
> Why,
> you might be looking at him as he stopped for a moment on a
> stone wall;
JOEL: It's your business, not mine.
> and while you looked he would vanish before your
> eyes.
TOM: *Your* eyes, maybe.
> It was just as if he had melted away in an instant, so
> quickly could he dart into a crevice between the stones.
JOEL: Weasels melt in your mouth, not in your stones.
TOM: What?
>
> It was surprising, too, that he could whisk himself
> out of sight so fast,
CROW: Is this some introvert-pride brag?
> for his body was absurdly long. But if
> he was long in one way he was short in another.
JOEL: Y'know if you have too much of one spatial dimension the others will shrink to balance out.
> Yes! Grumpy
> Weasel had the shortest temper of all the field- and
> forest-folk throughout Pleasant Valley.
TOM: Short but deep. Dimensions again.
> Even peppery Peter
> Mink was not so short-tempered as he.
TOM: Boy, everybody's talking about Peter Mink these days.
>
> So terrible tempered was Grumpy Weasel that whenever
> the news flashed through the woods that he was out hunting,
> all the small people kept quite still,
CROW: Well wait, if they were so small, then they'd compensate by being the widest beasts in town!
> because they were
> afraid. And even some of the bigger ones---a good deal bigger
> than Grumpy Weasel himself---felt uneasy.
TOM: Not from his temper but from his tiresome political lectures.
>
> So you can see whether or not Grumpy Weasel was
> welcome.
JOEL: Uh ... yes?
TOM: I'm going to say 'no'?
CROW: I'm writing in 'The Beatles'.
[ End of Chapter One. To be continued ? ... ]
--
Joseph Nebus
Math Blog: https://nebusresearch.wordpress.com
Humor Blog: https://nebushumor.wordpress.com
--------------------------------------------------------+---------------------
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