MiSTed: The Tale of Grumpy Weasel, Chapter 15 [ 1 / 1 ]

[Joseph Nebus]

>
>
> XV

TOM: That V is actually the top half of a much bigger X.

>
> THE GREAT MYSTERY

CROW: Push the button, Watson.

>
> The story soon spread all around the farmyard,

JOEL: Sky falling. Huh. Well, it'll do that.

> how
> fat Mrs. Hen

TOM: How fat is she?

> had been seen talking with no less a rascal than
> Grumpy Weasel.

CROW: But not more a rascal than two Tommy Foxes less one Peter Mink!

>
> Everybody told her that it was a dangerous thing to
> do

TOM: Well if everyone told you it was dangerous to jump off a cliff ... ?

> and that it was a wonder she had escaped,

JOEL: I wonder how she escaped!
TOM: Everyone's asking!

> until Mrs. Hen
> began to feel that she was quite the most important person in
> the neighborhood.

CROW: o/` Who are the people in your neighborhood? o/`

> Even old dog Spot asked her some questions
> one day---some of which she could answer, and some of which
> she could not.

TOM: Why does it rain?
CROW: What's the capital of Nebraska?
JOEL: How do you know if it's a leap year?
CROW: Why does it Nebraska?
TOM: How are trains?
JOEL: Will I be licked by purple?
CROW: How many are 'a book'?

>
> For one thing, she couldn't (or wouldn't) tell what
> way Grumpy left the farmyard.

TOM: As a hen it's important she protect her sources.

> "He just jumped back and was
> gone before I knew it," she said.

CROW: [ As Spot ] 'So you don't know he's gone.'
JOEL: [ As Mrs Hen ] 'Know who's gone?'

>
> "That's what they all say," said Spot. "He's so quick
> you never can see him go."

TOM: [ As Spot ] 'But I want you to try.'

>
> Now, Mrs. Hen ought to have explained that Grumpy
> Weasel disappeared from inside the henhouse.

CROW: I think she could explain from wherever she happened to be.

> But she was not
> a person of much sense.

JOEL: She's more of a raconteur.

> By that time she began to think that
> perhaps Grumpy Weasel was as bad as the neighbors had said.

TOM: 'Really? *He's* he guy who keeps putting NewsNation on the TV at the car dealership?'

> And she was afraid that her relations might find fault with
> her

JOEL: Your tail feathers are out of order, clean it up or we'll report you to the Hen Owners Association.

> if they learned that she had invited Grumpy to enter
> their house.

TOM: If he doesn't come to her house how will Grumpy be one of the comfortable people?

> Silly Mrs. Hen decided that she wouldn't tell
> what she had done.

CROW: They're going to suspect something when they find a weasel in the pantry, though.

> But she never tired of talking about what
> she called "the great mystery"

TOM: How to unite gravity and electromagnetism!

> ---meaning "Where did Grumpy
> Weasel go?"

JOEL: I love these 'Where's Weasel?' puzzles.

>
> It was simple enough.

TOM: The henhouse was twins the whole time!

> To escape meeting old dog Spot,
> Grumpy Weasel had crawled into the old rat hole.

CROW: Templeton!
JOEL: [ Shakes his fist ]

> It suited
> him quite well to do that, for more than one reason.

TOM: Why do we even *have* a hole that makes rats old?

> Not only
> did he avoid trouble, but he found the other end of the rat
> hole.

JOEL: It's this great little dive, they do karaoke Mondays, it's awesome.

> Silly Mrs. Hen had done exactly as he had hoped. She
> had shown him a way to get into the henhouse at night in
> spite of locks and bolts and doors.

CROW: The secret was asking nicely.

> And Grumpy Weasel went
> off to the woods well pleased with himself.

TOM: [ As Grumpy ] 'I'm so happy I have this deep hole in the ground to keep my water!'
JOEL: [ Puts his hand on TOM's shoulder. ]

>
> "Perhaps, after all, it pays to be pleasant," he
> said

CROW: It's nice to be nice ... to the nice.

> ---just as if that was a reason! But he stopped short all
> at once.

JOEL: Grumpy's heart grew three sizes that day ... to four below average.

> "There's that stupid Mrs. Hen," he cried aloud. "She
> was pleasant; but it won't pay her, in the end!"

CROW: Great little sociopath we've got for our protagonist here.
TOM: He's *not* a sociopath. He's a weasel, he doesn't have a theory of mind so he can't disregard the theory of mind in other people.
CROW: ... What?

> So he
> decided on the spot that he would keep on being surly.

JOEL: Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry before they're taken out by the surly.

> It
> would be much easier for him, anyhow.

TOM: Growing as a person is so hard.

>
> That very night Grumpy Weasel stole back to the
> henhouse.

CROW: Hens running around wondering where all their back is.

> And he was just about to creep up to the old rat
> hole,

TOM: It's $5 Mystery Beer Pitcher night!

> pausing first to take a searching look all around, when
> he saw a motionless figure sitting on a low-hanging limb of a
> tree near-by.

CROW: [ Gasping ] Gargoyles!

> It was Solomon Owl.

JOEL: Wisdom of Shazam!

> And Grumpy could see that
> he was staring at the rat hole as if he were waiting for
> somebody.

TOM: [ Stage-whispering ] 'He's asleep!'
CROW: [ Snores ]

>
> Grumpy Weasel knew at once that that rat hole was no
> safe place for him.

JOEL: There are spies everywhere!

> Very gingerly he drew back into a deep
> shadow.

TOM: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa [ Fading out, as though falling; finally, a distant ] Splash!

> And as he pondered silently he saw a huge rat step
> out of the hole.

JOEL: [ As Rat ] 'What a night to be young and have my whole life spread out in front of me!'

> Solomon Owl swooped down and grabbed the
> fellow before he knew what was happening.

CROW: [ As the Rat, fading ] 'Someone update my status on the office Slack!'

>
> Well, Grumpy Weasel saw that all his trouble had gone
> for nothing.

TOM: All that trouble? Eh, it's nothing.

> Silly Mrs. Hen hadn't known what she was talking
> about.

JOEL: In what way, exactly?

> If Solomon Owl was in the habit of watching that hole
> Grumpy certainly didn't mean to go near it.

CROW: Oh, you're mean enough to go near it, don't worry.

>
> Of course he was angry. But Mrs. Hen never learned
> what he said about her.

JOEL: His rant about birds all conspiring together, though, would get him suspended from Twitter for almost ten minutes.

> No matter what remarks her neighbors
> made,

CROW: Whether they be 'there's an angleworm there' or 'hey, did you see that other angleworm' or 'I'd rather not be eaten'.

> she always insisted afterward

TOM: It would be odd to insist beforeward.

> that Grumpy Weasel was
> one of the most pleasant and polite gentlemen she had ever
> met.

JOEL: I think the rest of the farmyard needs to start doing better.

[ End of Chapter 15 ]


--
Joseph Nebus
Math Blog: https://nebusresearch.wordpress.com
Humor Blog: https://nebushumor.wordpress.com
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