Garfield: Royal Rescue (pt. 3)

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Jul 18, 2021, 4:28:08 PM7/18/21
[On the bridge, Spud is dressed in a fancy tuxedo, while Candy is wearing a white gown].

SPUD: Oh Kate Middleton dudette, soon, you will marry me, the righteous Prince William, and be like, princess of England or whatever.
CANDY: And I do look forward to being a princess, but...
SPUD: It's about "him" again, isn't it?
CANDY: Yes, I would give up being princess, if only I could once again be held by the manly embrace of my true love, Garfield.
SPUD: Forget it, I, the prince, who is a total d-bag, will never allow you to see that cat who is far manlier than I can ever hope to be.
CANDY: Oh Garfield, will I ever get a chance to once again lay eyes on you, my manly, and [starts laughing] I'm sorry, I can't say this with a straight face.
SPUD: Problem?
CANDY: Look, I have dated a lot of losers, and I mean a lot. But there is no way even *I* would ever find Garfield sexy or attractive.
SPUD: I get where you're coming from Candy, but we need to do this sketch.
CANDY: Okay, but why is Garfield suddenly this manly, irresistible, hunk that girls swoon over, instead of the fat, lazy, unattractive cat that he normally is?
SPUD: Can't say dudette, maybe the author likes Garf and decided to write him in a flattering light. Or maybe he's just crazy.
CANDY: Put me down for the latter interpretation.

[Alarms start to ring]

SPUD: Saved by the bell dudette, cause we've got fanfic sign!


[Everyone enters theater]

>Meanwhile Garfield was getting ready for trip to lovely country of England.

SPUD: I think the author is angling for a trip to England himself.

>"Time to prepare for my British vacation. My only souvenir will be flaming >vengeance."

XR: This is starting to sound like a bad 80's action movie.
SPUD: So, all of them?

>Garfield said as he packed his things.

SPUD: [as Garfield] Let's see, Pooky, blanket, lots of lasagna, stamps for mailing Nermal...

>"Garfield be careful of stress it is killer with heart disease and cholesterol."
>Jon Arbuckle warned with advice.

WHISKERS: [as Jon] I mean, you're already overweight and probably going to die anyway, but yeah, *stress" is your biggest problem.

>"I have no time for stress, there is British damsel that needs saving." Garfield said with stern voice.

>"Farewell Jon Arbuckle. Hold down fort when I am gone."

RILEY: Yeah, *that'll* go well.
XR: [as Jon] Whoops, accidentally cut the gas main, oh well, I [makes explosion noise].

>Garfield said as he left for adventure.

SPUD: Time
RILEY: In Odyssey.
XR: Of Sonic the Hedgehog.
WHISKERS: [singing] Sailing for adventure [others look at him] Hey, you guys took all the good ones.

>"You know it Garfield. Show them what a real man is made of."

XR: You know, bones, guts, skin, stuff like that.

>Jon Arbuckle said as he grasped Garfields arm for manly handshake.

WHISKERS: Wouldn't that technically be an "armshake?"

>Garfield then boarded his jet

SPUD: Somehow, I can't see Garfield having his own jet.

>and lifted off for take off with thunder like speed. Garfield soared through the sky over oceans and oceans until he came to Island of England.

XR: Geography was apparently yet another subject that Hemingway flunked.

>Garfield then braked his jet and prepared for jumping.

>"Time for a British invasion."

SPUD: Garfield joined the Beatles.
XR: [as Ed Sullivan] And now, right here, four mop-topped fat cats from Liverpool, the Beatles.
[Riley & Candy provide girl screams].

>Said Garfield as he leaped out of Jet into country of Great Britain to >administer justice like a Prime Minister of iron.

RILEY: Iron Minister? Isn't that a Marvel superhero?
SPUD: Careful Riles, don't piss off Marvel, those dudes are powerful,
RILEY: [scoffs] What are they going to do to me up here on a deserted satellite?

>Garfield opened his parachute with lasagna logo but was in no mood for >playtime.

XR: Hmm, Garfield's parachute has a lasagna logo. I wonder if someone really likes lasagna.
RILEY: I guess. I mean, I'd have absolutely no way of knowing unless the author kept bringing it up.

>"Parachutes are for little girls and babies in wheelchairs."

SPUD: Not cool bro.
ALL: Boo!

>Said Garfield as he cut his parachute off for free fall fun.

XR: [as announcer] Yes "Free Fall Fun," the new amazing sensation that's sweeping the nation. Just cut the strings on your parachute and watch as you plummet to your death from 25,000 feet. Not available in stores, intelligence sold separately.

>Meanwhile in Buckingham palace Prince William was dressing up in >wedding clothes. All of a sudden he sensed great power.

WHISKERS: [as Darth Vader] I sense a presence I have not felt since...
SPUD: Good job with the synergy, rabbit dude.

"No it can not be it must being my imagination playing tricks on me."

All: [singing] Sometimes it feels like, somebody's watching me.

Said Prince William with self delusional fear.

XR: Self-delusional? I guess Hemingway inserted himself into the story.
SPUD: That's mean bro.
XR: Oh bite me, it's fun.

>"Prince William we are almost ready for the wedding." Said the servants.

>"Very well I am almost ready. Now leave before I am lashing your back." >Roared Prince William with anger.

>"Yes my master." Said the servants with cowering.

RILEY: [imitating Igor] Yes master.

>The Queen of England than entered Prince Williams room with words.

XR: How is that possible?
SPUD: They were probably like, big styrofoam words.
RILEY: Like, "Happy Marriage" or "Good Luck" or something like that.

>"This is your special day. Yet I am unsure you have proven true manhood."

SPUD: [as the Queen] You haven't had your Bar Mitzvah yet.

>Said The Queen of England.

>"I am true man.

XR: [as Ro-Man] To live like the true man, to marry like the true man.

>All will England will see."

RILEY: All will riffers will sentence confuse.
CANDY: Who wants to bet Hemingway's grammar checker was on the fritz when he wrote this?
XR: That would imply he actually cared about grammar.

>Said Prince William with defiance.

XR: "The Defiant Ones", starring Prince William and Tony Blair.
RILEY: Dude, Blair hasn't been in power in years.
XR: Sorry that I don't follow British politics.

>"Why have you not invited Garfield? Do you fear to face real man?"

SPUD: [as Prince William] No, but Garfield's a cat, so...
XR: Plus I think he had a nap scheduled for that day.
RILEY: Or mailing Nermal to Abu Dahbi.
CANDY: Or kicking Odie off the table.
WHISKERS: Or eating.
ALL: Or any of the things he actually does!

>Asked the Queen of England with challenge.

SPUD: Of the Superfriends.
XR: Whose dumb idea was it to make Wendy & Marvin canon, by the way?
SPUD: Wrong "Superfriends" series dude. But yeah, that was stupid.

>"I fear no man or cat!"

RILEY: [as Prince William] Dogs, definitely. Spiders, of course. Snakes, oh absolutely. Ants, maybe certain ones. Otters, oh yeah, those furry little guys are creepy. But men or cats, no way!

>Shouted Prince William as he tossed champagne glass at mirror shattering >all into millions in fits of anger.

XR: I guess the royal family is so wealthy, they can afford mirrors made of angers instead of glass.
WHISKERS: Are "angers" anything like alpacas?

>"I am the prince of all English!

XR: Um, "what is something Hemingway will never be called in a million years?"

>All will cower before my monarchial might!

RILEY: The role of Prince William will now be played by Dr. Doom.

>Not even Garfield can defeat me!" Declared Prince William with royal >decree.

SPUD: Oh well if made it a decree, then I guess they have to do it.
XR: Would a decree like that pass the House of Commons?
RILEY: So you know about Parliament, but don't know that Tony Blair's not Prime Minister anymore?
XR: Don't bite my head off, okay.

>Meanwhile Garfield was walking in streets of London with purpose.

SPUD: [as Garfield] I wonder what kind of lasagna they sell here?

>As Garfield walked with strength steps,

WHISKERS: His FitBit overloaded and blew up.

>Englishmen cheered him and shouted his name with joy.

>"GARFIELD. GARFIELD." Cheered the Englishmen as Garfield walked to Buckingham Palace.

XR: Unfortunately for him, they were actually telling the police who they wanted to have arrested and imprisoned.
SPUD: Okay everyone, break time.

[They leave]
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