MiSTed: Rocky Dwarf (5/6)
TICK
Part Five of Six
by the Tick
The parade of tripe continues. Head for the hills!
************************************************************
(7...6...5...4...3...2...1)
CROW: I'm telling you, the Harold P. Warren-Jim Sharman
connection _must_ be explored!
MIKE: Just relax and watch the rest of the post, Crow.
TOM: Ain't no section 8 outta this, goldbricker!
>-----------------------------------------------------------
>Part V:
>=======
>
>Scene Shot: Lister and Eddie, standing by the slightly open
>front door, face Rimmer in the Hallway, he is still wearing
>a Frank'n'furter style outfit reminiscent of his Demon self
>from "Demons & Angles").
CROW (in a Huntz Hall voice): All right, boys, let's
work dis angle!
TOM: I thought that was supposed to be "Angels."
MIKE: Lost Angels, with King Ad-Rock?
>
>LISTER: Hi there Rimmer, erm Ace... what ever made you
>think we were leaving?
MIKE: Perhaps those suitcases you were carrying had
something to do with it.
>RIMMER: Don't play games with me Listy, I've been listening
>to you two plotting.
CROW: Someone was plotting? In _this_ fanfic? Where?
>LISTER: Really, I'm sure you didn't, er, take us seriously
>like.
TOM: No one takes us seriously! No one listens to
_my_ needs!
>RIMMER: Well the master will have to hear of this.
CROW: hE woUlD nOt aPProvE!
MIKE: Forget it, Crow, it's not gonna work.
>LISTER: You don't have to tell him do you Ace? I'm mean
>we're still the boys from the Dwarf right?
TOM: Rimmer, don'cha know me? It's George!
>EDDIE (to Lister): It's no good, Frank got him fully
>converted to his will.
MIKE: And he's going to take him to Waco!
>RIMMER: I think you both better...
>LISTER (hopefully): Go away?
CROW: Preach on, brother David!
>RIMMER: ...stay inside. (he glares at Lister) I'll escort
>you to the master myself.
>LISTER: Oh forget that idea, Eddie run for it.
TOM: Yes, Eddie run for it! Eddie _good_ turtle!
>Eddie turns and pushs open the door, Rimmer screams at this
>and runs to catch up with him as Eddie goes out the door.
>Lister stand near the door and reaches out as Rimmer dives
>after Eddie. Suddenly Rimmer vanishes.
MIKE: Whoo, I'm all tuckered out by that hair-trigger
action sequence.
CROW: Oh my, yes.
TOM: I may need to lie down for a bit.
>EDDIE (seeing Rimmer vanish): What happened?
>LISTER (throwing the lightbee from hand to hand): Let's
>just say he needed a bit of down time.
>EDDIE (getting on his bike): Keep an eye on Frank... I'll
>be back.
TOM: It's E2: Judgment Day!
>Eddie drives off down the path as Lister closes the door
>and walks back toward the storeroom.
>
>LISTER (addressing Rimmer's lightbee): And you can stay
>switched off. (He puts the lightbee in his pocket and
>smiles to himself)
CROW: Ohhhhh yes...it feels so warm...
>Scene Shot: Frank'n'furter, Riffraff and Magenta stand
>about the dining table discussing plans for the master's
>affair.
CROW: Dammit, how long have you been _seeing_ her?!
TOM: Honey, I swear, she meant nothing to me!
>MAGENTA: What do you plan for the meal?
>FRANK'N'FURTER: I'm sure someone will turn up, now I must
>see to the lab... Rocky's body is ready and must be put in
>the tank before the guests arrive. (Turning to Riffraff)
>You did send out those invitations yes?
MIKE: If you didn't, it's the whipped cream for you!
>RIFFRAFF: Yes master, your guests should be arriving later
>this evening.
>FRANK'N'FURTER: Good, good. Now where is that darling
>Rimmer, he should have been here by now.
CROW: He's choosing his diaphonous frock for the evening.
>RIFFRAFF: Maybe he's on the monitor master.
TOM: The Monitor Master? Wasn't he a member of the Flash's
Rogue's Gallery?
MIKE: Barry Allen or Wally West?
CROW: Guys, please, don't display your geekhood for all the
world to see.
>Frank'n'furter walks over to a nearby monitor and turns one
>of the dials until he gets the Hallway, he is just in time
>to see Eddie running out of the door and Rimmer being
>disactivated.
MIKE: Let's watch it on instant replay!
CROW: Oh yeah, let's not miss a minute.
>FRANK'N'FURTER (shocked): Ahh, what have they done to poor
>Rimmer! They must be stopped immediately.
>RIFFRAFF: But master, Eddie has already left the grounds.
MIKE: He didn't rewind his videos either.
>FRANK'N'FURTER: Then at least that cad Lister is still
>here, I want him captured now Riffraff.
TOM: Cad _and_ Riffraff? Where's Simon Bar Sinister?
>RIFFRAFF: Of course master.
>FRANK'N'FURTER: Magenta, it seems the main course for this
>evening has been decided.
>MAGENTA: Yes master.
MIKE: It is decided--pork and beans! Hear and obey!
>Riffraff and Magenta leave Frank'n'furter to morn over the
>loss of Rimmer.
TOM: He's got the sun in the morn and the moon at night!
>Scene Shot: Lister is sitting in the storeroom with
>Colombia, Kryten can be seen working on the transmitter
>behind the statues and Cat is curled up asleep nearby.
CROW: Looks like Cat's all hocked up on goofballs!
>COLOMBIA: But why'd he have to go?
TOM: Because we were getting tired of listening to his
selections from Bat Out of Hell II.
>LISTER: He had to get Dr.Scott, we must stop Frank'n'furter
>from carrying out his plan.
TOM: He has a _plan_? Does anyone know what's going on here?
>COLOMBIA: You said he'd come back right?
>LISTER: Yes, he said he'd be back... he must have lost part
>of his brain to want to come back here though, I know I
>wouldn't.
MIKE: No comment.
>Riffraff enters the storeroom and walks over to Lister.
>
>RIFFRAFF: You must stay here Lister, the master saw what
>you did to Rimmer.
CROW (giggling): Hello? I know who you are...and I saw
what you did!
TOM: (girl's voice) Debbie, hang up the phone!
>LISTER: Smeg.
>RIFFRAFF: Yes. (He looks at Colombia) You'd better go help
>Magenta take my creation to the master's lab, I'll be along
>shortly.
>COLOMBIA: Right.
MIKE: And don't call me shorty.
>Colombia stands up and leave the room as Riffraff walks over to Kryten.
CROW: Mister Kryten, would you autograph my copy of _Congo_?
>RIFFRAFF: How goes the transmitter?
>KRYTEN: I've wired it back together and it should work
>fine... only I appear to have some components left over, I
>better find out where they should go.
TOM: Also, I'm missing the Immudium Pew-36 Explosive
Space Modulator.
>RIFFRAFF: You think you could get it working soon?
>KRYTEN: Yes, in a couple of hours.
MIKE: Make it so, number one.
>Riffraff nods and leave the room followed by the Cat who's
>just woken up and is going in search of food again.
TOM: Feed me, Seymour...feed me all night long...
>LISTER: Hurry up then Kryten, I don't want to turn out like
>Rimmer.
>KRYTEN: Where is Mr Rimmer anyway?
>LISTER (patting his pocket): Oh, he's safe.
CROW: Tonight, Arnold Rimmer sleeps wit' da fishes.
>Scene Shot: Eddie's motorbike pulls up outside the main
>door, it is now rapidly approaching sunset. He rides the
>bike straight up the steps to smash open the doors which,
>to his disappointment have been left unlocked, and opened
>as soon as he hit them. He pulls up into the lift and
>ascends, revving his engine as he goes.
MIKE: What is he rebelling against?
TOM: Whaddaya got?
>Scene Shot: The lab, Frank'n'furter is directing Riffraff,
>Magenta and Colombia as they lower a mummified body into
>the glass tank.
CROW: Okay, you're upset! No...no, you're not that upset...
>The lift slowly arrives.
>
>FRANK'N'FURTER: Oh do be careful, I don't want you to bruise him.
MIKE: Only _I_ get to do that!
>RIFFRAFF: Of course master.
TOM: Big dumb rassafrassa dirty rotten...
>The lift door opens and Eddie rides out into the middle of
>the floor, skidding to a halt in front of them.
MIKE: Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy!
>COLOMBIA: Eddie! (She tries to run to him but Magenta
>restrains her)
>EDDIE: Ok, where's Lister?
>RIFFRAFF (to Frank'n'furter): It appears the pizza-boy has
>returned master.
TOM: And he forgot our crazy bread _again_!
>FRANK'N'FURTER: So it would seem, disturbing my work again,
>huh!
>EDDIE: Just give me Lister and I'll leave.
CROW: We're gonna move to the midwest and buy a farm,
far from the prying eyes of those who would keep
us apart!
MIKE: Crow!
CROW: What?
>FRANK'N'FURTER (walking over to a large metallic door on
>one wall): Very well.
>
>Frank'n'furter presses a button on a control panel next to
>the metallic door which lowers to the floor like a
>drawbridge. Inside is shrouded in a white mist.
TOM: Stephen King's...THE MIST.
>FRANK'N'FURTER (casually): He's in there.
>
>Eddie rides straight into the white mist without even
>thinking.
MIKE: Sorta how this guy writes fanfic.
>COLOMBIA: No Eddie, it's a trap!
TOM: Thank you, Sister State-the-Obvious.
>Frank'n'furter hits another button an the door to what is
>in fact a freezer shuts behind Eddie.
CROW: Freeze, punk!
>FRANK'N'FURTER: Well, that takes care of him. (To Magenta)
>Tonight's meal will need (pauses) defrosting somewhat.
TOM: Whaddaya know--meat really _is_ murder!
>Riffraff smirks nervously as he thinks of Lister and the
>others.
MIKE: Heh heh...The Far Side was really funny today.
There was this cow, see, and...
>Colombia is wailing to herself, not having heard
>this last statement.
CROW: Darn! Now I have to find another big dumb schmoe...
>MAGENTA: Yes master.
>
>Scene Shot: Lister sits looking at the monitor, Kryten is
>still trying to rewire the transmitter but is currently
>watching the monitor with Lister. They've just seen Eddie
>being locked in the freezer.
TOM: In fact, they're watching it for the tenth time,
and laughing hysterically!
>LISTER: Smeg, he's got Eddie.
>KRYTEN: So it would seem.
MIKE: But in a town like Twin Peaks, nothing is what it
seems.
>LISTER: I've got to get him out of there Kryten.
>KRYTEN: I'd agree, being locked in a freezer can really jam
>up your circuit boards.
>LISTER: Quite, and I think you better get back to work on
>the transmitter. I think things are getting far too
>dangerous round here.
CROW: (Sings) ROUND HERE! SHE'S ALWAYS ON MY MIND!
MIKE: What was that?
CROW: Counting Crows, of course.
MIKE & TOM: (groan)
>KRYTEN: You'd better find the Cat then.
>LISTER (looking about the room): Oh smeg, where has he
>wandered off to now.
TOM: That Darn Cat!
>Lister is about to leave the storeroom when Riffraff
>arrives and stops him.
>
>RIFFRAFF: I think it'd be best if you both stayed here, the
>master is checking the monitors for you now that his guests
>are arriving for his (pauses) affair.
>LISTER: Listen bud, I've just seen Eddie locked in that
>freezer, I have to get him out of there.
TOM: Hey, hey, buddy, think this through!
>RIFFRAFF: Well I think you'll find that's difficult. You
>see the master has put a time lock on it.
>LISTER: For how long?
MIKE: Too long.
>RIFFRAFF: It won't open for another two hours.
>LISTER: That'd kill him, I've got to break that door
>somehow.
TOM: So it won't let him out?
>RIFFRAFF: Oh I doubt it'd kill him, I've turned the
>temperature up in there. He should (pauses) survive.
TOM: Dirty rottan ratcha-fratcha...
MIKE: You _really_ hate this post, don't you?
TOM: Yes, Mike, you could say that.
>LISTER: Ok, but I still have to find the Cat, he's out
>wandering somewhere.
>RIFFRAFF: I will look for him, I'd better see the master's
>guests, they wouldn't want to be kept (pauses) waiting.
>
>Scene Shot: The Hallway is filling with guests dressed in
>various ridiculous versions of dinner jackets, many of them
>have frilled shirts in garish colours.
TOM: Sounds like a wedding in Vegas.
>They are passing through to a main room as Riffraff
>lets them through the door. High above on the stairs stand
>the Cat.
CROW: Ug! Me Cat! Me stand on stairs!
>CAT: Arroww, I'm feeling cool, what have I done today,
>let's see. I've snoozed a bit, eaten, had an afternoon nap,
>eaten some more and explored the Sausage dudes house. Hey,
>I probably deserve some more food for doing so much.
TOM: An average day for Rush Limbaugh.
>Cat looks over the banister to the people passing below who
>are totally oblivious to him.
MIKE: Hey, so would _we_ if we could get away with it...
>CAT (shocked): Argh, what are those monkey's wearing. Urgh,
>I think I'm going to be sick, those shirts... yerck... I
>gotta get out of here, but first I need a snooze.
TOM: A long, long snooze. Preferably brought about by
several sharp blows to the skull with a blunt
object.
CROW: Or blunt blows with a sharp object, we're not
particular.
MIKE: You really _do_ hate this guy, don't you?
>The Cat wanders back to the storeroom and enters there
>looking for a place to sleep.
MIKE: Heyyyy...could I find a place to crash, man...
>LISTER: Cat, you came back.
CROW: The very next day. The cat came back...they thought
he was a goner!
TOM: No, we _hoped_ he was a goner.
>CAT: Yeah, now keep it quiet... My eyes have just been
>tortured and they need some rest.
CROW: Don't talk to _me_ about torture!
>LISTER: Well Ok Cat. Ah least we're together. (To Kryten)
MIKE: Now let's let our love show!
>All we need now is for you to fix that transmitter and we
>can get out of here.
>KRYTEN: I'm trying my best sir, it should be finished
>within the hour.
MIKE: Don't push me! I'm close to the edge!
CROW: Do you want it done now or do you want it done right?
>LISTER: Well hurry up Kryten, we gotta get out of this
>place.
ALL: If it's the last thing we ever do!
>CAT: Yeah, like before those clothes sap my will to live.
TOM: Well, they've certainly done a job on _our_ will...
>Scene Shot: Frank'n'furter is standing in his planning room
>looking at a monitor screen and fiddling rapidly with the
>controls.
ALL: Fiddle-a-BOUT! Fiddle-a-BOUT! FiddleaBOUT!
>FRANK'N'FURTER (to himself): Where is that damn Lister, I
>can't have him running about my house, he'll ruin my
>affair.
TOM: It was a bitter affair that ended briefly.
>Frank'n'furter finally stops flicking through the images
>and starts pacing the room.
>
>FRANK'N'FURTER (to himself again): He isn't on any of the
>monitors... either he's left the house or... (He stops and
>smiles widely) He's in the storeroom.
CROW: This is a bug hunt, man, a bug hunt! Game over, man!
TOM: Time to go, fellas.
(1...2...3...4...5...6..7)
____________________________________________________________
To Be Concluded!
(Insert closer here)
Austin George Loomis
I'm loving this. Is this going to xanth or wherever the FTP site is now?
I seem to remember either Mduhan or Mneylon putting a list of xanth'ed stuff
to the misties list that identified "Enterprized" as the MANOS of fanfic and
"Treklander" as the MIGHTY JACK. In that case, stuff like this thing and
the MST Adventures (no disrespect -- I like Dayscott, he's just not a dancer)
are the Ed Wood and Roger Corman films -- you can _see_ the story struggling
to break through the incompetence/underfinancing. (I leave it to you to
decide which of these two is the Wood and which the Corman.)
TICK
BRIDE OF THE MONSTER of fanfic.
Tick
TICK
it there. Sure, me and the Badge may do neat MiSTings, but technologically
we're still pretty much dumbass newbies. Anyway to get something to
xanth via E-mail? (Stupid question, wasn't it?)
Tick