MSTed: "INSTEAD OF NEWTON'S INVERSE SQUARE LAW" (experimental format)
Kevin Podsiadlik
it is amusing, its main purpose is to outline a new format for
article-MSTing that I hereby propose. I leave most of the explanation
to Mike and the Bots. Sorry if it gets long-winded as a result. ]
[ Three minutes of blackout, due to yet another CC screwup. Then suddenly: ]
[ Dr. F is standing, Frank is seated at a terminal with back to camera. ]
Forrester: ...eeks invention exchange. Now, you may not have known that the
Internet feed that we get as a source for bad Usenet posts comes from the
University of Minnesota. Now...
Frank (turning around to interrupt): Hey, isn't that Peter Graves' alma mater?
[ Dr. F elbows Frank, knocking Frank out of his chair. ]
Forrester: Anyway, the University of Minnesota is also known as the home of
the Internet Gopher, a serendipitous little tool for tunnelling from one
computer system to another, tying up uncountable milliseconds of precious
CPU time all over the world. The problem is, you still have to go and get
the information you want. Now, with the help of Oregon State University,
we have developed a tool called the Internet Beaver. It's task is simply
to gather all data that attempts to pass through it, back it up, and form
a large natural data pool. Furthermore, and I believe this to be its best
feature, since it effectively prevents any data from getting past it, it
greatly relieves the problems caused by excessive traffic on the Internet.
By my calculations, the flow of the net should eventually diminish from 10
megabytes per day, down to... three posts a day by L. Dettweiler. Your
turn, Mack.
Mike: Well, our invention deals with a problem that is very near and dear to
my own heart; that is, the problem of dealing with the various Internet posts
that you send up here.
Tom: Yeah, Mind you, the posts you do send are bad in their own right, but
let's face it, even the Bastard Operator From Hell would be boring watching
it on a movie screen!
Crow: So we've developed this system which will allow the three of us to
interact with the posts in a more computer-age type of way. It's based on
a cross between the Internet Relay Chat and CompuServe's forum software.
We call it MiSTeR C!
Mike: We've got it all setup, and ready for a trial run.
Forrester: Well, isn't that CONVENIENT? It just so happens that before our
main feature, we have on the menu another post, this one by one of the
co-cranks of sci.math and rumoured computer simulation, one Alexander
Abian. What he, or it, lacks in grammar and spelling problems, he also
lacks in coherency. It ought to give your little interface some serious
indigestion. (looks down to his side) Post 'em, Frank.
Mike: We got post sign! To your terminals!!
--
Article 56895 of sci.math:
From: ab...@iastate.edu (Alexander Abian)
Newsgroups: sci.math
Subject: INSTEAD OF NEWTON'S INVERSE SQUARE LAW
(M,Mike) Try Stove Top stuffing!
Date: 14 Jan 94 05:50:38 GMT
(T,Tom) Hey, Mike, what's with the extra letter?
(M,Mike) That's so we can change our names to do impressions...
(M,Mike) ...and still tell who's who.
Organization: Iowa State University, Ames, Iowa
(C,Crow) So I could do, for example...
(C,Peter Graves) By this time, my lungs were aching for air!
(M,Mike) Right!
(T,Tom) But not that one.
Lines: 45
Message-ID: <abian.7...@pv343f.vincent.iastate.edu>
NNTP-Posting-Host: pv343f.vincent.iastate.edu
Again, again and again,
(T,Tom) They're cops!
the self appointed mother superiors of scientific
correctness, moral decency, the self-appointed guardians of truth, veracity
the self appointed mother superiors of scientific methods,
(C,Crow) The self-appointed mother superiors of convents...
these nagging,
complaining mother superioring mother superiors
(M,Mike) Uh, guys, note, "mother superior" has just become a verb...
constantly debating whether
they should or should not call Abian a liar, a crackpot, or a liar and a
crackpot,
(T,Tom) Decisions, decisions...
whether it is justifiable to call Abian a liar, whether Abian lies
subconsciously or Abian lies consciously, etc., etc. whether Abian knows
that he lies or does not know that he lies.
(C,Crow) Whether Abian can take a hint!
To all these mother
superioring mother superiors to all these self-appointed guardians of decency,
of truth of scientific integrity,
(T,Tom) Uh huh...
to all these self appointed guardians of
logical thinking and intellectual honesty,
(T,Tom) Yeah...
to all these self-appointed
mother superiors who deem themselves to be responsible for checking
the validity of peoples arguments and thoughts,
(T,Tom) Do you have a POINT??
(C,Crow) You need to ask?
to all those judgmental
mother superioring mother superiors who constantly judge people's behavior,
(M,Mike) What is it with this guy and nuns??
thoughts, actions and ideas, I SAY:
(ALL) BITE ME!!
(C,Crow) Hey, how'd it do that?
(M,Mike) We all typed it in at once.
(C,Crow) But w
(M,Mike) I'll explain later!
(C,Crow) Hey! How'd you cut me off like that?!
(M,Mike) I just can, all right?
If you call me a liar it is fine with me,
(T,Tom) You're a liar
(C,Abian) Fine with me!
If you call me a crackpot, it is fine with me,
(T,Tom) You're a crackpot
(C,Abian) Fine with me!
If you call me a liar and a crackpot is it fine with me
(T,Tom) You're a liar and a crackpot
(C,Abian) Fine with me!
If you call me anything you want, it is fine with me.
(T,Tom) You're anything you want
(C,Abian) Fine with me!
So, stop discussing whether it is legitimate or not, justified or not to call
Abian a liar, a crackpot or a liar and a crackpot.
I repeat
(ALL) NO!!!
If you call me a liar, or a crackpot or a liar and a crackpot it is fine
with me, very fine with me.
No matter what you call me - it is fine with me.
(M,Mike) No matter WHEN you call me - it is fine with me.
IMAGINATION IS THE ESSENCE THE REST ARE DETAILS (ABIAN)
IMAGINATION IS BETTER THAN KNOWLEDGE (EINSTEIN)
(C,Crow) Delusions of grandeur? Not Abian!
--
(T,Tom) Well, that's the inews line, we're outta here.
(M,Mike) It won't let us out!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(C,Crow) Uh oh, the signature
TIME HAS INERTIA. EQUIVALENCE OF TIME AND MASS: (1/T)+(1/log M) = 1 (ABIAN).
(T,Tom) So this guy expresses himself in, what, cycles per kilogram?
ALTER EARTH'S ORBIT AND TILT - STOP EPIDEMICS OF CANCER, CHOLERA, AIDS, ETC.
(M,Mike) Uh oh, I think our friend's losing it...
VENUS MUST BE GIVEN A NEAR EARTH-LIKE ORBIT TO BECOME A BORN AGAIN EARTH
(C,Crow) UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this
(C,Crow) IMPORTANT Information is ENCOURAGED.
[end]
*******************
Thus ends the trial of the post-MSTing interface I've devised. Comments are
more than welcome. I tried to give samples of some of the main features
of this new style, though there are many others possible, such as /ACTIONs
as on IRC, or squelching for when Crow's commentary gets too racy.
Standard disclaimers apply. (The characters are property of BBI, etc.)
ab...@iastate.edu:
"...these nagging, complaining mother superioring mother superiors."
--
Kevin J. Podsiadlik "Face it, fellow travelers, the masses are coming,
k...@garnet.msen.com and it ain't gonna be pretty when they get here."
Bruce Baugh
KP> From: k...@garnet.msen.com (Kevin Podsiadlik)
KP> [ What follows is a MST of a brief post from sci.math. While I hope
KP> it is amusing, its main purpose is to outline a new format for
KP> article-MSTing that I hereby propose. I leave most of the explanation
KP> to Mike and the Bots. Sorry if it gets long-winded as a result. ]
Excellent MSTing, and goodness knows Abian needs all the help he can get. But I
don't like the format. Since we can safely assume that the characters are
talking in their usual voices unless specifically noted otherwise, we don't
need to keep saying that they're in their usual voices. At first I thought you
were defining the initials with the names and would later then be using just
the initials.
It's not clear to me that your format adds anything, and it does add a bit of
clutter.
KP> [ Three minutes of blackout, due to yet another CC screwup. Then
KP> suddenly: ]
This was perhaps the best line of the post. :-)
Bruce
Ken Frauwirth
[lots of funny stuff deleted]
|> (C,Peter Graves) By this time, my lungs were aching for air!
^^^^^^^^^^^^
Should be Lloyd Bridges
Sorry about the pickiness. Great Misting, though! That Abian really is
a crackpot. Or is he a liar...
--
Ken Frauwirth BBB IIIII OO K K EEEEE N N
frau...@mendel.berkeley.edu B B I O O K K E NN N
Dept. of Molec. & Cell Bio. BBB I O O KK EEEE N N N
Immunology Division B B I O O K K E N NN
Univ. of Cal., Berkeley BBB IIIII OO K K EEEEE N N
"Later, at Cal, Berkeley..." "Free Huey!" "Kill the pigs!" - from T-AS
sl...@cc.usu.edu
> In article <2hmd1d$2...@garnet.msen.com>, k...@garnet.msen.com (Kevin Podsiadlik) writes:
>
> [lots of funny stuff deleted]
>
> |> (C,Peter Graves) By this time, my lungs were aching for air!
> ^^^^^^^^^^^^
> Should be Lloyd Bridges
>
> Sorry about the pickiness. Great Misting, though! That Abian really is
> a crackpot. Or is he a liar...
>
Anyway, I know someone already said it, but hey, the format just ain't
happening. Extremely funny MSTing though...
Keith N.l. sl...@cc.usu.edu
"By this time his lungs were, oh what's the use!"
- Crow, "Castle of Fu Manchu"
P.S. Oh, BTW, since there's been so many (relatively) new MSTings showing up...
alt.tv.mst3k.creative! (ACK!) Think about it, won't you...