Tell me anything I need work on, or something I'm really good at... so I
know where to concentrate my efforts.
Especially my Joel characterazation, I've only seen about four Joel eps.
Thanks,
-pops
--
EPISODE GP-05 - "The weaker They are, The stronger they Grow"
"In the not-too-distant future
Next Sunday, AD
There was a guy named Joel
Not too different from you or me
He worked at Gizmonic Institute
Just another face in a red jumpsuit
He did a good job cleaning up the place
But his bosses didn't like him so they shot him into space
'We're sending him cheesy fanfics
The dumbest ever seen!
He'll have to sit and read them all
And keep his comments clean!'
Now keep in mind Joel can't control when the stories begin or end
Because he used those special parts
To make his robot friends -
ROBOT ROLL CALL!
Cambot!
Gypsy!
Tom Servo!
Cro-o-o-o-w!
If you're wondering how he eats and breaths
And other science facts
Just repeat to yourself
'It's just made-up
I should really just relax'
For MYSTERY USENET THEATER... 3000!"
[JOEL and THE BOTS are all standing, each with a scrap of paper. GYPSY
is also
standing]
JOEL: Hey everybody, we're on the SOL, and Crow decided we should play a
game of
Balderdash... One person picks a word and defines it, the others make up
the definitions, and then we all vote on which one is right.
CROW: BALLLL-DER-DASH!
SERVO: Oh, shut up already, would you?
JOEL: Okay guys, calm down... Pass in your definitions.
[JOEL takes papers from THE BOTS and shuffles them]
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in fifteen seconds.
[YELLOW LIGHT begins flashing]
JOEL: Okay, before commercials, here are the definitions. The word was
Gizmonic.
1 - That's a STUPID WORD! (hey, that might be it)
2 - Richard Basehart. (might be it...)
3 - Bite me. This game sucks. (that sounds good)
4 - A scientific lab in Minnesota.
We'll vote after the commercials.
[JOEL hits yellow light]
[commercials]
JOEL: Okay, guys, let's vote.
CROW: I'm gonna go with "Stupid word"
SERVO: I'll go with "Bite me."
GYPSY: Umm, umm, umm... "Stupid word"
JOEL: I'll go with "Richard Basehart..." And the answer was, "A
scientific lab in
Minnesota."
SERVO: And who wrote what?
CROW: I wrote "Bite me"
JOEL: And, of course, I was the word-definer...
SERVO: I wrote "Stupid word..." This leaves Gypsy.
[They sigh at GYPSY]
JOEL: Well, let's score this... Okay, I was the definer and nobody
voted... So that's three points for me...
SERVO: BUT, you voted for one that nobody else voted for.
JOEL: You're right, that's one point off.
SERVO: And since mine was voted for the most, I get three extra points.
GYPSY: What about me? What did I get?
CROW: Well, you got one vote, and you voted for the most popular one...
So that's four
points.
SERVO: BUT the most popular one was the losing one, so she gets a point
off...
JOEL: And Crow gets one vote, minus one for voting for the wrong one,
plus four for
using three vowels...
CROW: This game sucks!
SERVO: I quit!
JOEL: Hey, guys, that's not fair!
[RED LIGHT starts flashing]
JOEL: Ooops, it's Dr. Howard and Dr. Fine.
[JOEL hits red light]
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: Hello, little Birdbrain... Frank, show him our invention.
FRANK: Today's invention is for all those people who have their
Newsreaders set on
"verbose heading" mode.
DR. F: You see, this machine takes jibberish such
as:
"winter.news.erols.com!howland.erols.net!news-peer.gip.net!news.gsl.net!gip.net!portc01
.blue.aol.com!audrey02.news.aol.com!not-for-mail"
and turns it into Fanfiction crossovers too amazing for words...
FRANK: [reading printout] Ooh, Sailor Moon is out hunting on Gilligan's
Island and
mooning the Keystone cops... [begins laughing in that wonderful,
amiable, Frank Conliff way]
DR. F: And these fanfics are guaranteed to be entertaining,
grammatically correct, and
appealing to a normal taste.
[SOL]
JOEL: Hey, that seems pretty good... Oh, our invention turns all the
spam you get in your e-mail into REAL, edible Spam!
CROW: It comes in many different flavors!
SERVO: And all of them make great snacks for your dog OR mother-in-law!
JOEL: So what do you think, sirs?
[DEEP 13]
FRANK: Mmm, Spam...
DR. F: Enough of that! Joel, your experiment this week is "The weaker
They get, the
Stronger they Grow," a lemon Sailor Moon fanfic by Crystal Anne. All in
all it reads
very, very... very poorly, in fact. But first, a quick romp through
Hades with a rant posting entitled, "23 y.o.man in NY who brutally beat
4 women during 8 day spree,killing 1,gets Life prison sentence." It's
written by that master of Net-Kookery, Joe1Orbit. Send him the fanfic,
Frank.
FRANK: Yes, your wretchedness.
DR. F: I'm warning you...
[SOL]
ALL: WE HAVE FANFIC SIGN!
[6...5...4...3...2...1... THEATER]
>
> Hello,
JOEL: Hey, Joe.
>
> Over in New York, 23 year old John royster,
SERVO: I'm Royster, the rover-reight Royster!
> who went on an 8 day rampage of
CROW: Sex, drugs, and rock n' roll.
> violence against women during June of 1996, beating one woman to death and
> inflicting very severe injuries to three other women, was sentenced today to
> Life in prison with no chance for parole.
[ALL cheer]
JOEL: Score one for the Justice System!
>
> As the sentence was being read out loud to him in court,
SERVO: I wonder, do they make sure to show the pictures in between
pages?
> John stretched his
> arms out and yawned heartily. Hey, sometimes a person gets tired and sleepy.
JOEL: Amen to that, brother.
> No point in trying to suppress a yawn, let it all hang out, I say. Although I do
> hope that John is being treated reasonably in prison and is able to get enough
> sleep.
CROW: WHAT!?
SERVO: HUH?
>
> Besides, it was pretty much a foregone conclusion that despite CLEAR and
> UNDENIABLE evidence that John was mentally ill, as well as additional absolute
> proof that he was abused as a child, your pathetic society
CROW: SURE, this guy has NO PART in society.
> would choose to lock
> John in a cage for the rest of his life as punitive punishment.
SERVO: Give him a hamster wheel to run around in, a water bottle...
> John KNEW and
> knows what his pathetic society is like.
JOEL: I thought it was OURS?
> The only rational thing to do is shrug
> your shoulders, and smile or yawn, as your society condemns you, a person that
> it is GUILTY of having created, to life in a cage.
CROW: Sorta like working for a giant mega-corporation.
> Oh well, at least John is
> young, only 23, and hopefully has many decades of enjoyment and pleasure and
> peace, that he will enjoy, despite his punitive surroundings.
SERVO: He can vent his rage on the prison guards!
>
> John still might face trial for the 4th beating. If I were him, I'd welcome
> the chance to undergo another trial,
CROW: Sure, how about making a FOURTH PERSON suffer through a legal
trial for no
real reason!?
> especially since the 4th victim did not
> die and thus there is NO chance of John getting the death penalty.
JOEL: I think this Joe1Orbit guy has issues with society.
CROW: [laughing] Boy, THAT'S the understatement of the century!
> I think he
> should insist upon acting as his own attorney, and really turn this final trial
> into a SPECTACLE, as well as a forum in which he can spout off about his
> philosophies on life, etc...
JOEL: [dorky voice] I belive that life all comes down to the man with
the MOST
MITTENS.
> After all, why shouldn't he? He is already
> condemned to life in prison, might as well deliver some fireworkers at his
> final trial.
CROW: Let's hope they hold it on the 4th of July... Fireworks being
illegal any other day.
>
> Take care, JOE
JOEL: Just think, one letter...
[commercials]
>
> Disclamer Sailor Moon
SERVO: Ebonics by Wilma Daniels.
> was written by Naoko Tenchi .
> I'm I writting this
> fan fiction without any permission .
CROW: Dear Naoko Tenchi: Please sue the HELL outta this writer. Thank
you, Crow.
> Sailor moon is owned by Naoko Tenchi
> and a whole bunch of other people however this story was written by me and
> is MINE ALL MINE !
JOEL: And frankly, she can KEEP it.
>
> This is also my first fan fic and I'm not a very good speller either .
SERVO: So we deduced.
> I would love it if you sent me ideas,comments,flames,
CROW: Consider it done, sweets.
> tips or just to E-mail
> me . I know it's a short part .
ALL: Whoopee!
> The story will also get better in the 2-3
> parts .
JOEL: We can only hope.
> Well let the story begin !!
CROW: Oh, LET it.
>
> Part 1
> It was a normal day for Usagi,Mako,Minako,Ami,and Rei , well almost
> normal .
SERVO: They woke up to find out that they had suddenly turned JAPANESE!
> There had not been any attacks in weeks
CROW: Ahh, life in Harlem.
> so the girls were
> injoying the break . Ami was coming out of the Juban-middle shcool,
JOEL: The Jubans put the COOL back in SCHOOL!
> when she heard a shout come from behind her "Ami chan how's it going ?" The
> blue haired girled turned around and looked directly at Mako .
SERVO: Take that back!
> Mako was
> whereing her shcool uniform
JOEL: So, was Ami whying hers?
> a light brown skirt and white blouse . Her
> long brown hair was in the green ponytail she always wore . She did not
> where the normal school uniform becouse they did not have a size to fit
> her .
[CROW snickers]
> "Mako chan I'm fine. You ?"
> "I'm great! I'm going to the mall with the others wanna come ?"
CROW: [feigning shock] In PUBLIC!? [beat] Oooh, you mean to the mall.
> "Sorry I can't ." Ami shook her head ."I have study hall from three
> too five o'clock "
JOEL: I don't like this story... It's TOO five o'clock for my tastes.
> "Oh , Ami you studied five hours yeserday and your 11 chpters
> ahead ."
CROW: [To JOEL] See, she skips letters here and there, so she can study
faster.
> " I need to study for that test coming up ."
SERVO: But it's not given for another three YEARS now... Oh well.
> " I'm meating the othersat the mall,
JOEL: Hey, she's a sensible girl - She makes her own food!
> well gotta book it !"
> "Bye Mako chan!"
> "Bye Ami chan !"
CROW: [Falsetto] Bye Sneezy chan!
SERVO: [Falsetto] Bye Dopey chan!
> Ami started walking to her study hall and Mako went to the mall .Mako
> was alittle late , but Usagi was not there yet .
JOEL: Ahh, the daily routines of these girls makes for SUCH fascinating
plotting.
> Usagi was extreamly late
> and Rei got on to her faster than you could snap you fingers .
JOEL: Ooohhh, Rei, nooo... Not in the MALL!
> Rei had long
> black hair that went down to her waste .
CROW: No wonder it's black.
> She was a normal sized 14
> year-old. Rei went to a diffrent school than everyone else .
SERVO: It's a special school, for girls in anime who AREN'T bulging at
the chest.
> " Your late
> Usagi when are you going to take some resposeabilaty ."
JOEL: (Usagi) Quit it, you sound like my mother.
> Rei stared at
> Usagi. " Rei why are you alwat so meeeaaqan
CROW: "meeeaaqan???"
> tttoooo mmmeeee "" Becouse you
> have spegitti brains to go with the meat balls on the top of your
> head !"
[CROW AND SERVO crack up]
JOEL: Aww, the simple side of Rei!
> "THHBBBBBBBBBBB" They went into one of there famous tonge wars
[CROW begins humming a Jill Sobule song]
> .Everyone sweet dropped .
SERVO: HUH!?
> "Will you to stop it !"Mako sceamed .
JOEL: THRILL, as Mako attempts to use mental telepathy on her friends.
> The two
> looked into those ferce grren eyes and became quite . Mako said "Now lets
> go shopping ."
CROW: Spare us the details.
> " Let's go in that store over there !"Minako said overly exsited
SERVO: Just the fact that these characters EXIST is bad enough, but
she's OVER
existing.
> .She headed towds the store .The two cats , a black one and a white one
JOEL: Look, Ying and Yang!
> were following close behind . Luna was worried about the girls becouse the
> enemy must be planing somthing big not to be attacking . She looked at
> artimis .
CROW: Uh-oh, I'm having a flashback to another fanfic...
> "Agreed we should keep a good watch out over the girls ."
> *****
> End of part 1
ALL: Thank you!
[1...2...3...4...5...6... SOL]
[JOEL and THE BOTS are milling around, puzzled]
JOEL: Hi. Well, we're trying to figure out the cryptic line, "Everyone
sweet dropped ."
CROW: Maybe it's a new japanese dance? The "Sweet Drop?"
SERVO: Maybe she meant, "Everyone's wheat dropped."
CROW: OR perhaps the CHARACTER named "Everyone Sweet" was dropped?
SERVO: What about "Every once, wheat dropped."
CROW: What is with you and wheat?
JOEL: I was thinking along the lines of "Everyone's weed tropped."
[The BOTS stop and stare at JOEL]
CROW: [After a pause] And just what in the HELL is THAT supposed to
mean!?
JOEL: I dunno, I was just -
[YELLOW LIGHT begins flashing]
JOEL: Ahh, commercial sign. [He smacks the button]
[commercials]
>
> Disclaimer See part 1
> This is a very short part .
[ALL cheer]
> I think this one you ll enjoy a
> little more than the first part .
JOEL: Oh, we BETTER.
> Also this should be in the first part . E-mail me at Be...@linknet.net with any
> flames ,
CROW: Done AND done.
> comments , or suggestions . Well on with the show !!!
> Part 2: Ami s fall ( Two Down Four To Go )
SERVO: Four more!? [Groans]
> Ami was walking to her study hall when a youma attacked her
JOEL: A youma?
CROW: Hey, you ma!
> . Ami
> immediately drop her books and held her free in the air . " Mercury star
> power " she yelled after checking the no one was around to see her transform . She
> was surrounded by blue ribbons which made her sailor uniform .
SERVO: So, she wears ribbons? And nothing else?
> She was in a blue mini
> skirt, bows , sailor
> collar , had blue knee length boots ,
CROW: Chains, leather whip in her right pocket, Doc Martin boots...
> and blue on the end of her snow
> white gloves . The rest was a white leotard sort thing
SERVO: [Snorts] Yep, NOW it can't get any worse.
> that connected it
> all together .She had a golden tiara on her forehead In the few seconds
> it took to get use to the surroundings again the youma struck . It hit
> her hard Ami struggled for consciousness . Then everything went black .
SERVO: See? See? Maybe she's dead!
> ******************
> The other four were walking down the street when Usagi collapsed to the
> ground .
JOEL: (Usagi) Agg! My water broke!
> " Ami !" Usagi yelled before falling unconscious .
CROW: So AMI killed her! THAT explains... No, it doesn't explain
anything! THIS
STUPID FANFIC MAKES NO SENSE!
> Then a wave of pain went
> though the others
> and the cats , but not as bad as Usagi ...
> *****************************************************
> End of part 2 Hoped you like it e-mail me at Be...@linknet.net
[A pause; they wait for more]
JOEL: So... It just sorta stops.
CROW: Huh.
JOEL: Oh well...
[SURPRISE: The credits come straight up, no final host. Over the
credits, the confused
wonderings of JOEL AND THE BOTS]
Written, Directed, Produced by The Great Popalino
Created by Joel Hodgson
Refined / OWNED by BBI
I only writes 'em, I don't owns 'em.
Keep the FTP archives circulating
copyr. (c) 1998 The Great Popalino
> " Rei why are you alwat so meeeaaqan tttoooo mmmeeee "
> "Becouse you have spegitti brains to go with the meat balls on the top of your
> head !"