MST3K Dirty Quotes File (August edition)
Raymond Chen
THE (official) MST DIRTY QUOTE FILE
The list was designed for capturing, if but for a brief shining moment,
those vintage Mystery Science Theater 3000 references to sex (the act),
female anatomy (including, but not limited to, breasts), male anatomy (and
the uniquely male biological functions), sex (attempts to get the act
started), sexual perversions of all flavors, scatological references
(including, but not limited to, numbers 1 and 2), foul language and rude or
obscene gestures, and references to illegal drug use.
This has been compiled mainly from Richard Kulawiec's Sattelite of Love
mailing list, especially the "Kitchen Sink" quote file by Synth F Oberheim
(sy...@dreamtime.unm.edu).
The original perpetrators of the MST3KDQF were USENET's Chuck Jordan
(formerly jor...@castor.cs.uga.edu) and John D. "The Punster" Shull
(jds...@eos.ncsu.edu). It is currently on semi-permanent loan to
Raymond Chen (raym...@microsoft.com).
Episodes and quote are listed in (roughly) chronological order.
CAUTION: Many of these quotes are from the collective fuzzy memories of
the net. Corrections are gratefully appreciated.
* THE CRAWLING HAND
(The young couple is cavorting at the beach.)
GIRL: Boy the water is cold!
TOM: You know what that means! Heh heh heh!
GIRL: What does "stacked" mean in English?
TOM: It means you're really smart!
(Girl lies down on bed, allowing her breasts to reach skyward)
TOM SERVO: She IS smart!
* COMMANDO CODY
TOM: "If the tank's a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'!"
CROW: There always has to be a boring short.
TOM: My shorts are never boring.
JOEL: Thank you, Tom.
[As thugs are speeding away in getaway car, the passenger turns
around and climbs up on the driver]
CROW: Alone at last! Oh you're the man for me!
JOEL: Look, I'm NOT your new best friend.
[as woman stands and hands a pistol to Cody]
WOMAN: I guess you'll be wanting this.
TOM: Yes, and give me the gun, too.
[we see the captain, Cody, and the woman landing the rocket]
CODY: Set her down in that canyon.
CROW: Shouldn't we land the ship first?
[at the sound of the moon door depressurizing]
TOM: Whooo! I'm not sorry for that one. That felt great!
* ROBOT VS THE AZTEC MUMMY
CROW: We're thinking of turning this into a rumpus room...for your
rumpus.
TOM SERVO: Speaking of rumpus,...there's Flora.
[The entire cast line up along a wall of the Aztec pyramid. There
is the sound of water flowing, and then as the men turn around, the
sound of zippers going up.]
* WOMEN OF THE PREHISTORIC PLANET
JOEL: "See no evil...well, maybe just a little... yeah!"
JOEL: "'Women of The Prehistoric Planet'?! My sister had to watch
this in Junior High. All the boys had to go in the gym."
TOM: That's what I call a complete breakfast. Tang, toast, milk,
and fruit.
JOEL: And booty!
ENGINEER BRADLEY: "Now be kind to me, ladies. Don't forget that I'm
your ingenious engineer, the master of the maneuvering room, and the
actuator of your gravitator."
TOM: "Not to mention a flatulating butthead."
* THE CORPSE VANISHES
TOM: Nice caboose on that girl. What am I saying? That's my daughter!
I AM mad!
* ROBOT MONSTER
TOM: "Kids -- don't ever sit on an archaeologist's lap."
(Invention exchange -- the cumberbubblebund)
[Joel turns to face the wall; a stream of bubbles floats up from
his cumberbubblebund]
JOEL: You know, this champagne just goes right through me.
[As couple is making out in the barren wasteland]
TOM: We're going to have to hose these two off
like the dogs in the yard!
* SLIME PEOPLE
CAL: We're out of gas!
JOEL: Oh, he wants to make out with the whole family!
* PROJECT MOONBASE
CROW: "Spankin' time!"
TOM: "Look, there's the Grand Tetons!"
[on the amply endowed Col. Briteis using a viewmaster-type device]
[scene of a rocket ship moving slowly back and forth across a screen]
JOEL: "I guess now they have to watch marital aid films."
* ROBOT HOLOCAUST
JOEL: What are they looking for anyway, uh, clothing?
CROW: Ah, Tina's looking for a support garment!
TOM: Boy, I hope she doesn't find one!
HERO: "I'm reaching behind you with the cutters."
TOM: "When I'm done with this, you will guard my harem. Understand?"
JOEL: "You know, I kind of miss Earth, you guys."
[on amply endowed heroine in front of machinery]
TOM: "I can see why."
CROW: "Yeah, all that equipment."
JOEL: "Yeah, it's neat."
* MOON ZERO-TWO
[Joel looks behind the miniscule shower front as Bill Kemp
is showering off]
* UNTAMED YOUTH
JOEL: Cat fight!
TOM: Trollop fight!
TOM: Nice set!
CROW: Yeah, nice radio too!
TOM: Oh, you!
JOEL: She's got neat underwear in this one!
TOM: Nice diaper! They're Huggies, all right!
* ROCKETSHIP X-M
Distinguished guy: I must make something clear...
Tom (as D.G.): I'm wearing a bra.
Distinguished guy: Tonight, you are all gathered here to witness
an important event.
Joel (as D.G.): My outing.
Distinguished guy: I shall now ask Dr. Eckstrom to outline
the flight plan for you.
Crow (as Dr. Eckstrom): Thank you, darling---I mean---Larry...
[Dr. Eckstrom explains the rocketship to the press.
He uses a cut-away view of the rocketship on the chalkboard.]
Joel (as Dr. Eckstrom): At this point the rocket becomes engorged
with astronauts.
"It's been a long time. A long time for two men to work together."
Tom Servo and Crow: Ahem, Ahem (whistle, whistle)
(Girl crewmember straining under the pressure of rocket liftoff)
Joel: It's GRE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-EAT!!!
Crow: So I sing you to sleep, after the lovin'.
Lloyd: I do my best work by moonlight.
Joel: Ba-BOOOM!!
* SIDE HACKERS
Crow: "Oh look, they're making a kotex commercial. Oh, I'm a robot
I can't say kotex!"
[Rommell, trying to get over Rita's death, walks past a line of
pumping oil derricks.]
JOEL: Funny, I can't put my finger on it, but even these oil derricks
make me think of Rita.
[JC starts rubbing Cooch's -- THAT'S GOOCH -- shoulders.]
JOEL: Oh, you're so tense. Chick-chicka WOWMP WOWMP. Chick-chicka
WOWMP WOWMP. [the fusion jazz that appears in dirty movies.]
* THE PHANTOM CREEPS
[Mong is getting into his chauffer's outfit, Dr. Zorka is putting on
a suit]
TOM: (As Lugosi) OK now, you be the chauffer. We'll play that little
game again.
[Dr. Zorka is putting on plastic gloves]
CROW: (As Mong) Uh, boss, I checked myself in the shower this morning.
I'm fine.
[Dr. Zorka vanishes]
CROW: (As Lugosi) Now I'll go to Victoria's Secret!
[Zorka's belt backfires]
CROW: (As Lugosi) Burn the file on the electric dance belt. And pick
up my manhood; it's under the chair.
[Dr. Zorka showing off his invisibility powers again.]
CROW: (As Lugosi) "Next week I go to the women's locker room at
the YWCA!"
* JUNGLE GODDESS
[Reeves gently nudges Jungle Goddess, trying to wake her up]
CROW: Uh, honey, I'm ready again.
Guy: But haven't you ever tried to escape?
Goddess: Oh, we've tried, but no one can penetrate the jungle...
JOEL & BOTS: Ahem! Ahem...
* CATALINA CAPER
[all the guys are standing on the beach, looking at the Creepy Girl]
Girl (to Tommy Kirk): So, are you coming, or what?
[CROW looks over at Joel then decides not to comment.]
[Four women in bikinis are shown standing in a line across a ship's
railing.]
JOEL: "Look, they're standing four abreast!"
CROW: "Man, my corn is as high as an elephant's eye!"
CROW: "Hey, look at the prow on *that* steamer! Let's climb aboard!"
JOEL: Come on--keep 'em comin'! Monkey love pile on me!
CROW: This must--be what they mean by five easy pieces!
TOM: Huh--oh, please!
[Tommy Kirk has his back to a rock as Creepy Girl gets dressed behind
it.]
CROW: Hey, he's between a rock and a hard place!
[As mormon guy stages a kissing contest on the beach.]
CROW: Well. There's really no way we can comment on this without
getting into a lot of trouble.
JOEL: We could use metaphor, I guess.
[As Little Richard enters]
JOEL: Get the funk outta my face!
[One guy starts showing another how to wrestle]
Joel: Well, when in Rome...
Tom: Or Greece.
* ROCKET ATTACK USA
SPY: (speaking to woman) That's quite a set-up.
JOEL: (as woman) They are nice, aren't they?
[Scene shows rockets being raised to vertical position]
TOM SERVO: You guys get like this in the morning? Yeah, me, too.
* RING OF TERROR
[Lewis B Moffett gets into the car with his girlfriend after their
date.]
LEWIS: So, you wanna tell me why you're sore?
ALL: Hmmm... (clear throats)
Big guy: See there? 36 inches!!
Tom Servo: Good. Now about your waist.
Some Girl:"Well, it's going to get pretty sticky in here..."
Joel: "AH! Let it LAY, you guys!"
[some girl is talking about her date the previous night]
JOEL: "Did you touch it?"
[Later, Moffit's girlfriend tells of her experience with a
rattlesnake.]
CROW: "Did you touch it?"
(The fatties are eating (surprise) in the bushes)
Tiny: (to RagDoll) "Lemme ask you a question!"
Tom Servo: "Is this foreplay?"
Joel: "Don't talk about rockets. My missle's ready to fire!"
Joel: (dubbing in for snake) "Hi. I'm Satan. This is what happens
when you do the hanky-panky before you're married. We'll be right
back.
Crow: (after Moffit kills Sata- er, the snake) "Ah, now where was I?
Oh, yes. I had my tongue halfway down your throat."
(Moffit's nightmare sequence)
Crow: "Oh...no,...not the clown suit!...I'll take out the trash...
Uncle Bob, get off me!..."
* LOST CONTINENT
[On seeing a large boulder]
"Have you seen anything like that?"
CROW: Sure, Turd Museum, Citrusville.
[One of the rock climbers shows another how to use a lasso]
Tom: This is a little trick I can't remember if I learned
from my friend Will Rogers or Bob Mapplethorpe.
* HELLCATS
[Ross and Shelly ride their motorcycle out of a tunnel.]
JOEL: It's innuendo freeway!
CROW: It doesn't take Fellini to figure this one out.
[a biker punk shakes his beer bottle and it foams all over Ross's
face.]
CROW: That better be beer!
[the withdrawal girl is calling out to the departing Hellcats]
CROW: While you're out, get me a Dove bar! And some smack!
[a girl is putting on her rolled-up stockings...]
JOEL: It looks like she's into safe walking.
CROW: She's wearin' her jimmy shoes.
[in the gun shop]
TOM: (as clerk) This is my rifle, this is my gun.
One is for retail, the other's for fun.
* GODZILLA VS MEGALON
[at the picnic, Rex Dart is offered a drink]
REX: Sure, why not?
JOEL: Why not? I'm high!
REX: Drink? Yeah!
JOEL: Let's do shooters!
[as we see the huge steaming crack newly opened in the earth]
CROW: They're going to need a Tucks pad the size of Tokyo.
[Roxanne (the annoying kid) is in the back of the truck being
shaken around]
CROW: I wet 'em!
TOM: I wet myself again!
TOM: That's three times now! It's starting to sting!
TOM [as Roxanne's brother]: Smells like ammonia in here.
[later, before the Jet Jaguar Fight Song]
TOM [as Jet Jaguar]: Get this kid off me! He's all wet and he
stinks!
[Roxanne is searching the floor after the ransacking]
ROXANNE: I found some funny powder.
JOEL [as his brother]: Uh, that's mine, just leave it there.
JOEL: Saaaaay... oh, excuse me.
[the camera pans up a pair of legs... which turn out to
be Roxanne's]
[as missiles slowly rise to fire]
JOEL: Phallic symbols at the ready, sir!
TOM: Good morning!
TOM [as Jet Jaguar]: Why, Godzilla, your tail has grown.
CROW [as Godzilla]: That's not my tail.
TOM: Oh! Sorry.
JOEL: Guys...
* GODZILLA VS. THE SEA MONSTER
(Robber realizes his gun is missing. He quickly checks under the bed)
Crow: My negligee!
(Slave girl has escaped and is in the jungle)
Joel: (Looks down her cleavage)
Tom Servo: (continuing the motif of Godzilla being on the toilet)
Hey, honey! Come in here and talk to me!
Joel: Nooooo...
ROBBER: Only three of us are left! What do we do now?
JOEL: "Chick-chicka-BOWMP BOWMP! Chick-chicka-BOWMP BOWMP!"
* CAVE DWELLERS
JOEL: "She, uh...she's making flash powder from her own filth!"
JOEL: How about a little sugar for Ator?
[As Dong is marking his path on a cave wall]
TOM: "He who reads these words of wit..." Oh, that's real mature!
Lisa Foster's character: Shouldn't a man's... destiny...
JOEL: Oh, I thought you were going to say something else.
* POD PEOPLE
The I'm a Virgin Guy: "Good? He's the best!"
Joel: Guys, we'll leave it at that.
* GAMERA VS BARAGON
[The creepy chick starts crying and buries her face in the hero's
err-- stomach.]
CROW: Get a room!
[scene of a line of rockets slowly rising]
ALL: Good Morning. Good Morning.
SERVO: What does it take for a guy to get a yellow helmet around
here?
CROW: ...no, no.
* STRANDED IN SPACE
CROW: "Yes! Yes! It worked! I'm gonna score on an interplanetary
scale!"
TOM: "I'd like to have children right away if it's okay with you."
CROW: "Is it all right if I pull over first?"
* TIME OF THE APES
TOM: "A little horse for a little monkey."
JOEL: "Hey, he'll have himself on his back."
(Camera gets a shot of Caroline's legs and pans upward)
Tom Servo: "Saaay! She's...oh. For crying out loud."
(During earthquake sequence)
Tom Servo: "Did the Earth move for you, too?"
Crow: "No, but the model did."
Godo: "My name's 'Godo.'"
Johnny: "Godo? A funny name."
Tom Servo: "Yeah, well Bite me, kid."
Johnny: "Godo! Godo, help!"
Crow: "Go to hell?!"
Crow: "Let's put crap in our hand and throw it at people! Y'know, no
matter how much you evolve, it's still pretty damn funny."
"Atten-SHUN!"
Crow: "Fuh-liiiing CRAP!"
Tom Servo: "Oh, great. There gonna give'm a twenty-one turd salute."
(Colonel Sanders-ish Ape is shaking Godo's hand)
Joel: "Uh, I'd wash that hand if I were you. That's my throwin' hand."
* DADDY-O
[Said as girl takes off her coat, revealing how smart she is]
"No one's ever beaten him before!"
TOM SERVO: Well, no one else has THESE!
[Dick Contino and the girl stand facing each other]
CROW: Okay now -- whose breasts are bigger in this scene?
TOM: "Today's youth -- hopped up on crack, crystal melph,
formaldehyde-processed opium, tar heroin, and -- pomade!"
CROW: "Thanks, mom ... nice caboose ... What am I saying?"
* GAMERA VS GAOS
TOM: "Oh fella, You're a fat old hog aintcha? Heh, heh. Squeal."
[as Gamera climbs onto Gaos's back]
TOM: "Ooooh. Good thing he had his cup on."
[on rudely aimed missle attack on Gaos]
* FUGITIVE ALIEN
KEN: I don't want to die in the middle of nowhere!
JOEL: I want to die in the thong section of Victoria's Secret!
"He's alive, all right!"
JOEL: I got dibs!
(Captain Joe has Ken pinned down from behind)
Tom Servo: Hooh-oh-oh-oh-oh!
Narrator: [The Valnar leader] was ready to punish Ken mercilessly.
(Rita walks into scene)
Joel: Speaking of punishing mercilessly...Woah!
(Ken remembering chasing after Rita)
Joel: It's my turn to wear the nightgown!
(Cesarian Officer in cell looks inquisitively at Ken)
Tom Servo: Do you like me? Do you find me pleasing?
(Rita realizes she can't kill Ken)
Tom Servo: (kisses Rita on her left breast)
Tom Servo: "Bite down. Bite down, please."
Joel: "Bite...down,...please."
Tom Servo: (seeing X-Ray) "Ooo! Don't bite down here."
Crow: "Uh, Bite me please."
Joel: "Heeey!"
[as Ken wanders through a duststorm, his vision fading in and out]
JOEL: Man, I gotta lay off the 'shrooms...
* SNOW THRILLS
CROW: Yes, it's prostitutes on ice!
TOM: Oh...
CROW: Well, in a nice way.
Crow: (on the Polar Bear Club) Let's talk about shrinkage, shall we?
Narrator: And it is pronounced "she-ing," they tell me.
Joel: Oh yeah? Well you're full of skit!
Narrator: And now for some shi thrills!
Crow: Sheep Thrills?!
Joel: Well, to each his own.
Narrator: It's the biggest one man thrill in Jack Frost's show!
Joel: I know a better one... Forget I said that.
* IT CONQUERED THE WORLD
Graves' wife: You wash and I'll wipe.
Tom Servo: Eh, heh heh...
Crow: ...No, no.
Crow: All done washing and wiping!
Graves: That bike's built for the spanking size.
Tom Servo: Oh, it's his wife's bike.
Crow: (on Manuel, who's gone looking from chickens) You just can't
keep that guy away from the farm animals.
Paul's wife, berating the men for dicussing science at the table:
"Don't suppose you'd have anything that can cure a headache..."
Tom: "Well, I guess YOU'RE not getting any!"
Tom and his wife kiss goodnight after an argument over the alien.
Joel (in low voice) "I was great. Mwah!"
* GAMERA VS GUIRON
TOMMY'S MOTHER: When Tommy gets home, he'll be in for a spanking.
TOM: I'm Tom! Spank me!
[as little girl whispers into Cornjob's ear]
CROW: Hey! That's dirty!
Tom and Akio run into a transporter to escape:
Tom, or Crow maybe: "Here, in the orgasmatron!"
* AQUATIC WIZARDS
[Alfredo is barefoot-water skiing.]
Narrator: There's only one way to stop. Just let go.
Tom: ... of your sensibility and dress like a girl.
You know you want to.
[An attractive woman holds up a water ski.]
Crow: It's Alfredo, camping it up.
[Another attractive woman holds up a different water ski.]
Narrator: And the third is wider, with no fin.
Crow: She looks fine to me.
Narrator: It is designed for turning and jumping.
[Attractive woman strokes the long, hard... water ski.]
Tom: [breathes heavily]
Narrator: Hey, fellas, are you listening?
Tom: It's the way she touches that board...
[Woman water skier climbs atop man water skier,
then comes down into his arms.]
TOM: Hey, hey, hey, get a boat--I mean get a room!
JOEL: Now the two young lovers bask in the afterglow.
[Man and woman share a pair of water skis.
The man is behind the woman.]
JOEL: Hey, victory at sea, Bob!
* CATCHING TROUBLE
[Ross is chasing a wildcat.]
Narrator: That's a bad limb. Hop to the next one, pussy!
Crow: Heeyyyyy! (Oh, he was talking about the cat.)
Narrator: This is where my boyfriend knows his stuff.
Tom: Ted, you don't have to say anything more, Ted.
* TEENAGE CAVEMAN
[as Robert and the other symbol maker leave the cave]
OLD MAN: Are you done?
TOM: Yeah, but turn on the fan! Whoooh!
CROW: "Hey, hey! Cross your legs, Robert--you can see the squirrel."
CROW: Oh, neat, he invented the quiver!
TOM: So did *she*! Woooo!
Cave guy: Who will care for the women and the young?
Tom, Crow, and Joel: I will, that'd be me, I'll do it...
* GAMERA VS. ZIGRA
(During opening credits, a bassoon in the theme song hits a low note)
Tom Servo: Hey, hear that?
Crow: Waaaaaaa!
Tom Servo: A little bassoon sound there. 'Ey, I can do that.
(Bassoon sound)
Tom Servo: Thpppppth!
Joel: Oooo!
Crow: How rude!
Tom Servo: Thpppppth!
Crow: Ooh!
Joel: Come on!
Tom Servo: It was fun.
Joel: I didn't know you had any fleshy parts to do that.
Tom Servo: Oh, well I really don't.
"How's your wife, Tom?"
Crow: What's that supposed to mean?
Tom: The new baby's due in a week or so.
"Well, I suppose you'd like a boy this time."
Tom Servo: What do you mean by that?
Tom: I hope we're not spoiling your sister...
Joel: What ABOUT my sister?
"Your mother's in a hospital in New York."
Tom Servo: DEtoxing.
Tom: Time for a little snack!
"OK! Katherine prepared one of her specialties: Lemonade."
Tom: And I've got your sisters specialty: Peanut butter
sandwiches.
Joel: Heeeeey!
Tom Servo: You leave my sister out of this! Shut up! Take it back!
Take it back you rotten, crummy...!
(Men realize the food is missing)
Tom: What happened then?
Crow: Maybe your sister ate some.
Tom Servo: Shut up about my sister! Shut up!
Man: When we get home, you'll get a good spanking.
Crow (as Helen): Spank me now!
Crow: (Seeing two domed observatories) Meanwhile, at DollyWorld.
(Kenny gets a worried look on his face)
Tom Servo: (sniff sniff) Hey! Who roached?
Tom: Where are we?
Kenny: I know! We're in a spaceship!
Helen: And she's a space woman!
Joel: I knowwwwwwwwww!
Crow: (As Kenny) She's Hot, Dad!
Joel: (As father) When we get back, not a word of this to your
mother, kids.
Space Woman: Sector 4! We are celestial body number 105!
Joel: I knowwwwwwwwww!
Space Woman: Explain how your boat got here. Or did you swim through
the fourth dimension?
Crow: You're right. I'm ashamed. Spank me.
Crow: (viewing Space Woman's walk from behind) That reminds me.
I must get my watch fixed.
Tom Servo: D-doom Shing!
Space Woman: Furthermore, I'll prove to you the strength of our great
science! I shall cause the greatest earthquake the world
has ever witnessed! It will destroy everything! All Tokyo
will be annihilated in a minute!!
Crow: Wow. She's PMSing big-time.
Helen: I love Gamera!
Kenny: Love! That's all girls think of.
Joel: We're talking about a LIZARD!!
Crow: (as Gamera) Is that so wrong?
Helen: Gamera, thank you! I hope to see you very soon!
Kenny: Now you're already acting as if Gamera was all yours!
Tom Servo: This is sick, people! Really sick!
Officer: Now listen children. Until your fathers regain conscious-
ness,you're the only ones who can tell us about the Zigra
spaceship. We'd like you to describe it and answer a few
questions. You think you can do that?
Kenny: Yeah! I can do that!
Helen: I can do that, too!
Joel: For a price.
Helen: But we only saw one Zigra woman.
Officer: Ooooh, the Zigran was a woman.
Tom Servo: Viva La Zigra!
Helen: Yes, but, my mama is a whole lot prettier.
Kenny: Yes, mine is much prettier than her, too!
Joel&Bots: I knowwwwwwwwww!
Officer: OK, OK. The two of you are right. Both of your mamas are
very pretty.
Tom Servo: Now what's that s'pposed to mean?
Kenny: There are lots of very unusual skills at our house. Daddy
always makes noises while he's drinking and strange
sounds while eating.
Tom Servo: Eh, heh heh!
Crow: Uh, uh, save that for the adult children meeting, OK?
Tom Servo: Ooo-hoo!
Scientist1: "Are you ready?"
Scientist2: "Yes."
Joel: Get the gin.
Officer: Sergeant! Order all the people to be evacuated at once!
Joel: All at once?!?
Crow&Servo: Ewww!!
(Space Woman, wearing stolen swimsuit, is dodging evacuators)
Tom Servo: Hahaha. The Maidenform Woman. You never know where she'll
show up.
Crow: I had this dream once.
Radio: Everyone is to evacuate immediately!
Joel: We-- I just DID!
(Dolphin trainer is giving Space Woman a lift to Sea World, the whole
time checking out her, uh,...swimsuit.)
Trainer: You know, I don't believe I've seen you around before.
Tom Servo: At least not this MUCH of you!
(later)
Joel: Staaay on the roooad! Sta--
(Trainer drops her off)
Trainer: Here we are!...
Space Woman: Thanks.
Tom Servo: Ah, would you like to grab a boo-, uh, bi-, uh, a bite to
eat sometime?
Crow: (Dubbing in for marching troops who obviously see scantily-
clad Space Woman)
ABO-0-0-0UT FACE!! TE-E-E-EN HUT!! E-E-EYES, uh (cough
cough cough)
(During Space Woman/Kenny/Helen chase scene)
Joel: I see London, I see-
Tom Servo: Wooo! I do, too!
Crow: Hey, if she runs up there we can see up her skirt
again! Wooo!
Radio: Everyone is to evacuate immediately!
Joel: AGAIN?!?
Trainer: I see you're having a guide evacuate the two children.
Katherine: No, I didn't ask any guide to look after the children.
Joel: They can evacuate themselves. They're old enough.
Officer: Commander, I know that it sounds unlikely--
Joel: But I love you.
(Water continues to leak into the bathysphere)
Crow: Somebody forgot to jiggle the handle again.
Scientist: (on the condition of the bathysphere) She's leaking
pretty badly.
Crow: So am I. I need a stronger waistband.
Space Woman: Dr. Henry, listen. You are an authority on marine
life. The greatest!
Tom Servo: Well, I do my best. Over.
Space Woman: If you remember that, you have a great weapon!
Joel&Bots: I knowwwwwwwwwwww!
(Gamera's head pokes out from his shell, covered by folds of skin)
Tom: Gentile.
(Gamera rides on Zigra's back)
Crow: Hey! Inter-species dating is not allowed!
[Helen holds a bottle of some liquid]
Tom Servo: She doesn't have a `Coke'!
She's got a `Rolling Rock' there!
[Rolling Rock is an alcoholic beverage and therefore earns inclusion
under the `illegal drug use' clause.]
* THE HOME ECONOMICS STORY
NARRATOR: This assembly was for the girls only.
ALL: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh....
[as male speaker steps up to lectern in assembly]
TOM: Your period and mine -- a lecture.
NARRATOR: ...Just like the five-pound party Betty had.
JOEL: Five-pound potty? She must've had a big breakfast!
[as cheerleaders]
TOM: Look! Look! Look at my crotch! Look at my crotch!
Look at my crotch! Loooooooook... at my crotch! Yaaaaaaay!
Woman Professor: Let me tell you about a few girls I know real well.
Tom Servo: . . . and why I'm being fired.
* VIKING WOMEN AND THE SEA SERPENT
TOM: "Oh, they licked her to death."
CROW: "I knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww."
* FUGITIVE ALIEN II
CARRARAN GUARD: "You've been ordered to be executed! That oughta
take the smile off your face!"
CROW: "Not if you do it right ..."
[Ken is grunting and gasping during his gymkata routine against
the guards and gasps something which sounds surprisingly like...]
KEN: Shit!
TOM: What? Ken!
* MR B NATURAL
Mr. B Natural: I've got a lot of swell stories...
Joel: I bet!
Mr. B Natural: One of the nicest is about my good friend, Buzz
Turner. A little guy I first met when he was in
junior high.
Joel: Mr. B, you're HOT!!
Joel: That hurt. I'm all messed up inside. If only an androgynous
man will come and visit meeee! Oooh!
(Mr. B Natural pops out of Buzz's locker)
Joel&Bots: Nooo! Nooo! No no no no!
Crow: Boo hoo hoo!
Tom Servo: He's coming out of the closet! Oh, sorry.
Buzz's Mom: Uh, Buzz...
Crow: Uh, this time don't make so much noise when you read.
Mr. B Natural: Do I look funny?
Joel: You look HOT!
Mr. B Natural: When you played that music to make you feel better,
I got your message! You awakened me!
Tom Servo: You mean I'm attracted to guys now?
Buzz: You mean you've been in my room watching me all that time?
Joel: You've seen me do EVERYTHING?
Mr. B Natural: (Leaning forward) Look here, boy.
Tom Servo: (startled) D'heh!
Mr. B Natural: A boy talking like that! Blasphemy!
Joel: Spanking Time!
Mr. B Natual: I've been visiting with an 8-year-old friend of mine
who woke me up...
Tom Servo: Oh, God, no, no...
Buzz: Wish I could...
Tom Servo: Wear tights and prance around.
Mr. B Natural: (In chair with her leg over the back) Sure you can
be popular!
Joel: Oh, Mr. B...!
Mr. B Natural: Sure you can be in a band! And wait'll you see the
kicks you'll get out of it, Buzz!
Tom Servo: Kicks!
Mr. B Natural: The glamour of the uniform!
Tom Servo: Kicks!
Mr. B Natural: The thrill of traveling for band competitions!
Tom Servo: The all-night coke jags in cheap motels!!
Mr. B Natural: If you want me to. If you'll keep me awake...
inside there.
Joel: Bad touch.
Joel: Y'know, I think Oscar Wilde only WISHED he was This gay.
Mr. B Natural: My boy was all wound up, he was!
Tom Servo: Your boy?
Buzz: He said my face was practically made for trumpet! I wanna
learn, Dad!
Tom Servo: I wanna wear leotards and a Peter Pan hat! Mom?! Dad?!
Mr. B Natural: If you don't think there's a family headed for the
music store...
Tom Servo: I think that's David Bowie.
Mr B Natural: Do you think this is a trumpet? No!
Joel: It's a bong!
Tom Servo: Oh, excuse me, sexless Man-Woman!
Mr. B Natural: You gotta inspect your horn, boy!
Crow: And wash it every day!
Tom Servo: D'eh!!
(Man is rubbing his hand on a horn to check if the surface is smooth)
Crow: Hooh-oh-oh-oh-oh! That feels GO-O-O-OOD!
* WAR OF THE COLOSSAL BEAST
General: (Late for dinner) Sorry I'm long.
Crow: Braggard.
(During the experiment to give Glenn back his memory)
Joyce: Let me try! GLENN!!
Crow: Remember THESE?
* APPRECIATING OUR PARENTS
CROW: "Tommy calls many men 'father!'"
* SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS
TOM: "When she thinks of the mass media, she touches herself!"
CROW: "Oh, great, kid, ya just fingered Kris Kringle!"
TOM: "Oh--three stars by her name! Earth girls *are* easy!"
TOM: "I sure hope that's pudding!"
(Droppo in Santa Suit)
Tom Servo: Oh, no! He's playing DRESS UP!
Joel: I almost feel like I shouldn't be watching.
(Newspaper jumps on scene)
Tom Servo: Village Voice? Santa's outing?! What?!
Tom Servo: And now for your viewing pleasure, some suggestive scenes
of planes refueling. Hooh-oh-oh-oh-oh!
(Billy and Betty are listening to a radio in the woods)
Crow: Ah, splendor in the leaves.
Tom Servo: Mm-hmm.
Santa Claus: Lady Momar, from the bottom of my heart...
Crow: (as Santa) I say, "Bite me." Ho ho! I'm kidding of course!
(Martian leader whose name escapes me is climbing out of the rocket)
Tom Servo: Ssssay! Eh--oh. It's him. Mmmm, still...
Crow: (about the same guy) Oscar Wilde: 2000
(As Droppo enters rocket cockpit)
Tom Servo: All done in there?
Crow: Why do you think they call him Droppo?
(Billy offers to shake Bomar's hand)
Joel: "Hey, where's that hand been?"
(Valnar is speaking to Santa and the children in their cell)
Tom Servo: (as Betty) "Bite me."
[A martian enters the bridge of the ship]
CROW: Here I sit all broken hearted...
* MASTER NINJA I
[Lee goes into Van Patten's Van to change]
JOEL: If the van's a rockin'...
Max: Halfway across the world was a man who was gonna change my
life: John Peter McAllistaire, the only Occidental American
ever to become...
Crow: Miss Japan.
Holly (Demi Moore): Wait! Wait!
Crow: Demi Moore?!? I've dreamed of her running out of the woods
into MY Chevy van!
(During cop/van chase scene)
Holly: (to Max) Just don't stop!
Joel: Oooh, wowwwww!
Sheriff: (inspecting McAllistaire's belongings) Well, lookie here!
Servo: Size 8 petite! A little...negligee, eh? Eh, hee hee!
(McAllistaire picks up pool cue)
Crow: 8-ball...corner--
Servo: Er, ahe--,ahem!!
Crow: Well, you know the rest. Heh heh!
(Max is giving McAllistaire a ride in his van)
Max: Well, you better stay out of the emergency rooms 'till the
sheriff gets tired of watchin'em...Find someplace else.
Crow: (As McA. grins) Ooo, you little dickens!
McA: Your home?
Max: (laughs) You're travelin' in it, Jack!
Servo: You're jackin' in it, Trav--, um...
Joel: Y'know, say what you want, but Claude Akins has a nice rump.
Servo: Du'n he, though?
Crow: (As Akins looks back to camera) You guys talkin' about my butt?
Servo: D'ooo!
Crow: Ah, you crack me up. I've seen your show.
Servo: Haha!
(As police pull up at airport)
Joel: Uh, Mr. Akins? Deputy wants to see your butt!
(Ninja training session. Camera pans upward from McA's feet on
tightrope. As camera hits his crotch...)
Servo: Ah, we--, we really don't need to see that.
(After Johnny Chan harrasses waitress)
Servo: Oh, Lee, don't worry. She's used to it. The Kennedys come
here a lot.
Jill: Don't you just hate dealing with it? An ex-hoofer with two
daughters...
Servo: Hooker? Oh, 'hoofer.'
(As Max talks to open-bloused Kelly)
Crow: Ah, you got, uh, D-cup or some, or, uh, DECAF! DECAF!
Chan: Pick up the dancer.
Servo: That shouldn't be too hard.
(McA. helping Jill to walk)
Servo: Hooh-oh-oh-oh-oh! You were fantastic, Lee!
McA.: Must be tough.
Jill: What? Having a big sister that moves like an angel? It's
a trip. I watch her every night.
Crow: Oh, ah, hey, that's your business! Huh!
(Charlie Patterson answers phone)
Joel: Hello! 1-900-Dance Belt!
Charlie: When will my daughter be returned?
Crow: Hey, you said we could have her 'till Wednesday!
Max: How about a weapon?
McA.: (handing him a star) Hold it.
Servo: No! Not by the edge! No!
McA.: It'll make you feel better.
Joel: If you put it in the right place.
(During Ninja fight scene)
Joel: Hey, you got enough sticks in your drawers there?
Servo: Uh, oh. I just passed wind in my suit. I ask you, as a point
of honor, give me a second.
(During film clip of effeminate hoofer)
Servo: Oscar's back and he's Wilde as ever!
* THE CASTLE OF FU MANCHU
"Well, doctor, thank you for coming."
JOEL: "I didn't mean to, but the new seat covers ..."
* MASTER NINJA II
[they all enter Crystal Bernard's apartment, and she's wearing a
semi-tight T-Shirt and standing profile]
CROW: You've got a nice flat... er, apartment.
CRYSTAL BERNARD: Big, brave girl.
CROW: Well, brave anyway.
[Max lies injured on the ground, struggling to get up]
CROW: Mendoooooooooozaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
(Not a dirty quote, but I couldn't help myself.)
[Timothy bangs on Crystal Bernard's door; she answers and embraces him]
JOEL [as Crystal]: (breathily) Oh, you're sweaty...
TIMOTHY: I'll be back this way for next year's race.
CRYSTAL: You'd better be.
TOM: 'Cause I'll be of legal age then!
JOEL [as Lee Van Cleef]: Hey, shoot some of this action my way!
LEE VAN CLEEF: Well if she's gonna be too much for you, why don't
you let experience take over?
SERVO: I think there are laws against that kind of thing, Lee.
LEE: Some people don't cover their tracks as well as they think.
JOEL: They should wear long-sleeve shirts.
[George Lazenby is getting out of his Secret Agent car and heading
for the bushes]
CROW: Even a secret agent has to wring out his sock.
SERVO: Shaken, not stirred.
[Evil ninja Osaka wraps his whip around Lee Van Cleef's neck]
CROW: Oh, I've heard about this kind of behavior.
[as George Lazenby, climbing up the rosary beads.]
CROW: I get a weird feeling when I shimmy up this rope.
[the head terrorist (David McCallum) shoots at George's feet, then...]
JOEL: Now, the willy!
[there is the flatulating sound of a machine gun]
DAVID MCCALLUM: That was me. Sorry.
* SPACE TRAVELLERS
[On seeing a rocket labelled "SECA"]
TOM: Seka? Chicka Wowmp!
* THE GIANT GILA MONSTER
[as the Gila monster heads off back into the woods]
CROW [as Gila]: Time to drain the lizard!
* CITY LIMITS
[referring to captured John Stockwell]
GANG LEADER: ...We do what we want with him.
JOEL: Starting with the nasty!
GANG LEADER: Mine's gettin' kinda old.
CROW: Sorry to hear that.
[as nude girl swims in Petticoat Junction water tower]
CROW: Hey we have to drink from that water!
[after John Stockwell runs his bike into an unfortune part
of another gang member]
CROW: Now he's a Vienna Boys Clipper.
[as Kim Catrall climbs out of a manhole cover]
CROW: Kim's having my fantasy about her.
[she rips off her jacket]
JOEL: Oh, woooow.
[during gunfight]
TOM: Oh, I wish I'd worn my bulletproof codpiece!
JOEL: Who invited the Stinky Guy? He smells like
pussy nibbles.
[as John holds up a long antenna to his waist]
ALL: [cough, cough]
CROW: This thing comes in real clear!
* TEENAGERS FROM OUTER SPACE
[in an effeminate obnoxious summer-theatre british accent]
FRANK: "Oh Little John, have you seen my arrow?"
* BEING FROM ANOTHER PLANET
BEN MURPHY: ...and an oversized sternum.
[girl student enters room]
JOEL: Speaking of oversized sternum...
[as Ben starts to get out of bed]
CROW: Ben! Put some pants on!
[Frat guy dressed as mummy starts accosting girl]
FRAT GUY: The mummy walks!
JOEL: The mummy gropes!
[Mummy's glowing zit lights up the two lovers]
JOEL: Spotlight on... makeout!
* UNDERSEA KINGDOM
NAVY OFFICER: Great chap! I wish we had more like him!
CROW: Keep your mind on your work. You're in enough trouble
already.
[as men are wrestling]
TOM: Ahh, the smell of men enjoying themselves.
[sniff] Whooo!
[as Atlanteans are pushing a big round gray boulder(?)]
CROW: Dung beetles!
KID: Dad!
CROW: How come they all looked when he said "Dad?"
[as Atlanteans are launching silver weiner missles from a
long tube]
CROW: That's dirty!
* THE ATTACK OF THE GIANT LEECHES
MAN: Gotta clean my otter lines out before morning.
CROW: No, not in front of us, please!
[as Dave chases the adulterers through the garden]
JOEL: Look at all the weed -- where are they? Tommy
Chong's back yard?
JOEL: Oh, take me to the magical mushroom palace my friend booze.
* JUNIOR RODEO DAREDEVILS
[Old man congratulates young woman on her rodeo ride.]
TOM: (as old man) Hey honey, wanna come to my pen for drinks later?
* THE KILLER SHREWS
CAPTAIN: It takes a long time for a sea like that to quiet down.
WOMAN: But if you're worried about me, you needn't. I'm a good sailor.
CROW: (lasciviously) Aye-aye! All hands on deck!
BOAT CAPTAIN: There's a cove up on the lee side, though. We'll
snuggle up close to the bluff and ride it out.
CROW (as male first mate): We most certainly will not!
[someone is walking into a door another person has just exited]
CROW: Don't go in there! There's no fan! Oh....
* HERCULES UNCHAINED
[on seeing the members of the boat crew in anthropomorphic (squished
up) format]
CROW: "I'm long."
JOEL: "You think he's long? Try me. Longest."
[in response to Greeks' greetings]
CROW: Thank you, Feces!
Yolae: I'd like to see anyone who could put him in chains.
All: Ahem, cough cough.
Yolae: [in a skimpy outfit, like all Greek women in the movie]
Come, help me up. [Ulysses helps pull her into the wagon]
Laertes: Oh, I almost forgot.
Tom: Underwear.
[During the song by Hercules' wife on the wagon train]
Tom: "Hercules can't perform / Because he's on steroids..."
Crow: (as Herc) "I heard that!"
[as Hercules steps up to a rock near the waters of forgetulness]
CROW: Well, this looks like as good a place as any. You know what
they say, you can only RENT waters of forgetfulness... Oh, yeah.
That does it.
[Ulysses enters to talk to Hercules, and Herc starts to take off his
toga.]
TOM [as Ulysses]: "Uh, I think you've, uh, got your appointments
mixed up, Herc."
[as Ulysses chases a gaggle of nymphs down a stairway]
TOM: When Kennedys ruled Greece...
[Evil Queen Lady puts her head by Hercules' knee and looks upward...]
Joel: (as EQL) It's twue! It's twue!
EQL: Very well, Hercules.
Crow: Very, *very* well.
GREEK MAN: Ulysses, what about that story you told us?
TOM [as Ulysses]: "Stately, plump Buck Morgan..." oh, that's not
the right story.
[The gang of Greek guys follow Hercules, who has swum on ahead]
Crow: (as guys) Hey, the water's warm here... [scolding] Herc!
[as Yolah kisses Hercules]
TOM: You taste like Diogenes!
* INDESTRUCTIBLE MAN
DICK CHASEN: I headed for Eva Martin.
TOM: But then who didn't?
[Lt. Dick starts reading the Saturday Evening Post]
CROW: Let's see here... "GWM seeks leather man..."
[as Dick looks up the stairs after Eva]
JOEL: Oh, mommy!
CROW: That's his mom?
[Lon Chaney stands up after a long rest...]
TOM: My back teeth are floating. I have GOT to use the bathroom!
[as Lon Chaney pounds on a door]
TOM: I'm in here! Use the downstairs!
TOM: There's something kinda spooky about watching Casey Adams
flirt.
TOM: I gotta take a big indestructible wizz!
DICK: You wanted me, captain?
JOEL: For years!
CAPTAIN: See that the lady gets home all right.
JOEL [as policeman]: Does it have to be her home? I'm kidding
of course.
NARRATOR: Lowe headed straight for Eva Martin.
CROW: But who doesn't?
[Police pass a dark streak of something in the sewer.]
TOM: Don't even ask!
CROW: Think of all the burritos they sell in this town!
TOM: Where's the men's room?
JOEL: You're soaking in it!
CROW: Over here, boys, I got the poop on 'im.
CROW: Look what it says on the wall there -- "If it's yellow,
let it mellow, if it's brown, flush it down?"
CROW: This looks like Close Encounters of the Turd Kind.
TOM: I wonder who the stool pigeon was?
[upon seeing an odd streak on Lon's pants]
TOM: I think he's incontinent man, now!
* HERCULES VS THE MOON MEN
[as we see a profile shot of the two princesses]
JOEL: You know, I'm feeling REALLY homesick right now.
CROW: Looks like this movie comes equipped with airbags!
[as we see a more realistic profile shot]
CROW: Tissue paper! Tissue paper!
* THE MAGIC SWORD
[As camera pans up on Estelle Winwood]
ALL: Sayyyy...
[Upon seeing her face]
ALL: Oh...
CROW: Wellll...
KNIGHT: Mount your horses, gentlemen.
TOM: We're not that lonely.
TOM: Hey, all right, everybody! Frenchie's gettin' some!
BASIL RATHBONE: My dragon will relish the flesh of the
princess.
JOEL: Oh, woooooow!
BASIL RATHBONE: Rather ask what will happen when I get him within
my sword's length.
CROW: Hey, that's dirty!
[on seeing the cross on Sir George's tunic]
JOEL: Look -- he's a Swiss army soldier.
TOM: Is that a toothpick I see?
BASIL RATHBONE: Go ahead -- show me how pair of young mortals in
love bid farewell before they die.
ALL: Bowmp! Chicka BOWMP BOWMP! Bowmp! Chicka BOWMP BOWMP!
[after Sir George and the princess have been kissing for a while]
TOM: I'm gonna have to hose you two off like a couple of dogs!
Knock it off!
TOM: My own mom just flipped me off! How 'bout that!
* HERCULES AND THE CAPTIVE WOMEN
Girl: Today is a celebration in honor of Uranus.
Crow: (as Herc) Well, thank you.
* HERE COMES THE CIRCUS
Two clowns link legs and start spinning around a bar.
Tom: Oh, no! They're doing it clown style!
Shortly after, one starts kicking the other in the butt.
Tom: I'm a baaaad clown!
* TORMENTED
[on the sight of Vi's, err... low-cut blouse]
TOM: Whoa! Somebody gave her a bra snuggie!
JOEL: No, hon, no.
[Tom Stewart closes the door quickly]
JOEL: All done!
[on seeing Tom Stewart topless]
JOEL: Looks like the Dad from "Flipper!"
CROW: Ooooohhh yeah!
SANDY: Meg had a beach party. Everyone on the island was there!
JOEL [as Sandy]: 'cept Hef.
[on seeing Tom Stewart walk up into the lighthouse]
JOEL: You know, some pants would feel real good right about now.
[Tom Stewart is looking out a window with binoculars, when Mrs.
Phyllis comes in]
TOM: Oh.... firm and... huh?!?
TOM STEWART [holding up young Sandy]: From now on, you're the other
woman in my life.
JOEL: Put her down, Jerry Lee.
TOM STEWART: There's Coke in the refrigerator. Help yourself.
TOM SERVO: And there's a mirror on the table; razor blades.
[Sandy walks in with a bottle.]
JOEL: Hey, that's a St. Pauli Girl! Put it down.
JOEL [as Sandy]: How come you're not wearing any pants?
MEG [to Tom] : Come on up to the house for a minute. I want you to
see something.
CROW: Yes!
MEG: My wedding gown.
CROW: Oh.
MEG [on opening wedding gift]: Another pair!
CROW: I know...
MOM: Sandy, see if there's a window open. There's a cold draft
all of a sudden.
CROW [as Sandy]: Gee, I could go for a cold draft right now. "Sandy,
shut the door, Sandy do this." I have to do everything! Ahh...
Change the oil in the car. Maybe I should chill the champagne, huh?
How about that?
TOM SERVO [as Tom Stewart raises a glass]: You know, booze IS your
best drug value.
SANDY: What's that stink, Tom?
JOEL: Jagermeister, honey.
[Mrs Phyllis walks in on Tom... err, lounging]
MRS PHYLLIS: Tom?
CROW: No, I wasn't pretending I was a playmate!
LACTOSE MAN [describing Vi]: The blonde! The one with the...
JOEL: Buick?
SANDY: There's a light up there. I wonder who it could be!
MEG: It's a boy and a girl probably. You wouldn't understand.
CROW: Try me.
SANDY: I do too. They used to go there to neck. Not any more.
Everybody says it's too cold and dark and smelly.
CROW: Who told you that about Tom?
* JOHNNY AT THE FAIR
[Johnny sees an airplane]
Narrator: ``Gee, I'd like a ride in that!'' thought Johnny.
[Johnny sees a pretty girl]
Crow: (as Johnny) Gee, I'd like a ride in that!
* MANOS: THE HAND OF FATE
[Manos is telling his babes what to do]
Babe #3: Your power failed you.
Crow: You know what she's *really* saying...
* HERCULES
Movie prologue: ... Even the greatest strength carries within it
a measure of mortal weakness...
Tom: *My* mortal weakness is cheesecake.
[Camera pans over goat herd]
Crow: Oh, I hope *they* aren't Herc's mortal weakness.
Tom: (as Hercules, to princess) By the way, did I mention I'm
immense and immortal?
Hercules: (to princess) Come with me, please.
Crow: (as Herc) Pretty please? With Herc on top?
[Various training exercises. Two Greek guys wrestling on the ground.]
Joel: Would you two please stop that and get back to training, please?
[Hercules helps Ulysses hold a bow and arrow]
Tom: (as Herc) You smell nice today...
[For some reason, there is hubbub over the guy's bare ankles]
Tom (as random guys): Great legs, what do you think?
[The burly boat guys wave good-bye]
Tom: You know, the bigger they are, they nicer they are.
Crow: Their butts?
Tom: D'oh!
[The guys are surrounded by Amazon women]
Woman: Throw down your arms and follow us. Queen Antaya shall decide.
Tom: (as guy, lasciviously) We surrender!
[after some convincing]
Old guy: Why not? It might prove interesting.
[the guys throw down their weapons]
Joel: Not the tunics, guys...
[continuing sexual undertones throughout the remainder of the scene]
[Rear shot of Amazon woman swimming]
Crow: I see Sparta, I see Athens, I see someone's...
[Man carrying a sheep]
Crow: That's for Gene Wilder.
[Princess and her aide lean back against the wall to hide]
Joel: You know, it's hard for them to get any flatter against
that wall.
[Fight scene. A guy gets it in a sensitive spot.]
Crow: Right in the groinological area.
Tom: The groinular region.
* WARRIOR OF THE LOST WORLD
Elder: That is why you are able to penetrate...
Joel: (scolding) Hey...
Elder: ... the secret wall of illusion.
Joel: Oh.
* SWAMP DIAMONDS
Man: (to woman) If you untied me, we could both jump them.
Crow: (as man) Or you could jump *me*...
Crow: Hey, Beverly Garland's bra! See the promised land...
Crow: (as hero guy kisses heroine lady)
You have the right to remain hot.
Anything I have will be held against you.
* SOME MORE DIRTY CONTRIBUTORS
schu...@cs.wisc.edu (Christopher Schumann)
gru...@tramp.Colorado.EDU (Michael Grusin)
fu...@athena.mit.edu (Connie Hirsch)
sc...@bbx.basis.com (Scott Amspoker)
bch...@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu (Robert Church)
d...@world.std.com (Debbie Brown)
goo...@thebay.ENET.dec.com (Roy Goodman)
SW...@DRYCAS.CLUB.CC.CMU.EDU (Gary W Olson)
ea...@thor.INS.CWRU.Edu (Eric A. Meyer)
v130...@ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu (Sandra Guzdek)
Jason D Corley
sbo...@lonestar.utsa.edu (Simon E. Booth)
th...@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (tom hove)
ro...@mpgs.enet.dec.com (Michael)
bxp...@hertz.njit.edu (Brian Perler)
rdo...@martha.utcc.utk.edu (Ralph Dosser)
bia...@helios.cs.odu.edu (David J. Bianco)
bwoo...@emunix.emich.edu (Bouncing Britain)
Bill Schneck
Another goodie from SWAMP DIAMONDS:
As the girls are standing around in their short shorts and
(especially) their tight tops trying to decide what to do next,
Tom (?) as one of the girls says something like:
Well, we could just stand here and jut some more.
And who can forget, from TEENAGERS FROM OUTER SPACE:
Wholesome girl (to Dirk the Alien): It's remarkable just how much like us
you are.
Crow (?) (as Dirk): Yeah? Wait 'til you see my tongues!
Bill Schneck | Life is uncertain.
bsch...@panix.com | Eat dessert first.
ro...@mpgs.enet.dec.com
One of the best was in Rocketship X-M where Dr. Carl Eckstrom is describing
the rocketship to the press. There is a diagram of the ship on the black
board showing a cut-away view. The comment (from Joel?):
At this point the rocket becomes engorged with astronauts.
Let's get it into the DQ file!
Mike
gregory.little
Crow: "Well, you don't have to be Freud to figure that one out."
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_
Greg Little
"It's either time to take a nap or do shots." - Bob
Compuserve 71756,1434; Internet: gxl!ncsc6.att.com
Internet2: gjlittle!ouray.Denver.Colorado.EDU
My dog Sam tells me these are my own opinions.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_
Lee Joseph Cockrell
(gregory.little) writes:
|> From last nights "Fire Maaidens:"
|>
|> Crow: "Well, you don't have to be Freud to figure that one out."
Tom Servo: <in "double entendre" voice> "Attempting Re-Entry..."
Jeremy Elson
And from tonight's "Crash of the Moons:"
Character: "Don't worry.. we'll get you off before then."
Tom Servo: "All RIGHT!!"
and
Tom Servo: "When a spaceship loves a space station very, very much.."
--
Jeremy Elson
jel...@server.cs.jhu.edu (Internet) / jelson@jhuvms (Bitnet)
Paul Monty Ashley
>From last nights "Fire Maaidens:"
>Crow: "Well, you don't have to be Freud to figure that one out."
From what I remember (disclaimer: I last watched Fire Maidens a few
months ago), that should be Fellini, not Freud.
And if so, it's a reference to an early George Carlin routine on
commercials ("They show a guy lighting the cigarette, and the very
next shot is a _train_ going into a _tunnel_! You don't have too be
Fellini to figure _that_ one out!")
-Paul "Monty" Ashley
(And if it _wasn't_ Fellini, it should've been, darn it!)
greg berigan
>Tom Servo: "When a spaceship loves a space station very, very much.."
From 2001: A Space Odyssey, when the ship is docking with the station...
Crow: "Is it in yet?"
Well, in my _mind_ he said it...
--
gber...@cse.unl.edu (Greg Berigan)
Be articulate! Your new patience will not show up immediately.