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[MSTing] The A-Team? At CHIPPENDALES?!? (2 of 8)

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peasporr...@hotmail.com

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Jun 17, 1999, 3:00:00 AM6/17/99
to
<<MSTing: "Something In the String of G", with the short "The
Sentence">>

<< Part 2 of 8 >>


[OPEN ON: <Theater>. Gypsy, Scratch, Pearl (her head attached to giant
Tom
Servo's body), and Magic Voice continue riffing the short "The
Sentence".]

>Soon I would fill the room.

MADGE: I had presence! In my new hair!

>Lashing out as one tried
>to inject me again,

GYPSY: I told them that they had a hideous dress, that was months out
of season!

>I was mortified to see him go flying across the room
>and through window.

PEARL: Oh no, Sally Field's brother forgot which of them was the Flying
Nun!

>The room was filled with spectators. They all began
>to scream

ALL: LET'S GO, GIANT! <CLAP, CLAP!> <CLAP-CLAP-CLAP!>

SCRATCH: Should it bother me we clapped when we ain't got no hands?

PEARL (resentful): Would you like to served with fries, or cole slaw?

>and run for the door. I spotted Tony's Mother and Father.
>
>"Wait...Please...I did not kill your son. I loved Tony!"

GYPSY (as giant): He's the boss!

MADGE (as James Lipton): Yes, Tony Danza, who shined in such roles as
Tony,
Tony, and of course, his recent CBS sitcom, Tony.

>
>They turned and ran from me as though I was some monster. As I looked
>down, I thought that perhaps they were right. I was now over twice my
>height.

PEARL: See, this is good, because her stupidity is spread out.

>My clothes were suddenly straining for release. I turned to the
>remaining guards to try to explain, but they were all gone. A sudden
>burst of growth shot me up to 25 feet.

SCRATCH: Huh. The thug jug's got a vaulted ceiling, I guess.

>My tattered clothes pooled at my
>feet. I began to search for an exit.

PEARL: Ooh, start with "Exit 57"! Where HAS such belly-slapping
tomfoolery
gone? And while you're at it, search for "The Clinic"! "Comic
Justice"! "Short
Attention Span Theater"! "Comedy Product"!

MADGE: Bitter much?

>On my way here, leaving was not an
>option,

SCRATCH: The Apollo 13 engineers greet another Monday morning!

>so I had little idea which way was out. I crouched down to my
>hands and knees, and followed the path where I saw Tony's parents go.

GYPSY: Got married early, had a kid before I was ready.

>Soon the walls became too tight for me. My shoulders seemed to be
>jammed. All at once the wall crumbled around me,

ALL (chanting): TEAR DOWN THE WALL! TEAR DOWN THE WALL!

>freeing me, but also
>blocking my view. I decided to stand.

MADGE: In the place where I lived. I then faced north.

>I rose up and up. The roof of the
>prison below my head.

PEARL: There was probably some crashing sound and intensive structural
damage in
between those events.

>I gazed around at my first view of the world in
>four years. I took a deep breath and raised my face towards the sun.

GYPSY: Owee! My eyes!

>
>"There she is!"

SCRATCH (through a bullhorn): Miss America! Come out with your scepter
up!

PEARL: Next up, the Hostage Negotiation competition!

>I heard at the same time I felt stings all over my legs.

MADGE: Yellow jackets. Nesting in the basement. Been meanin' to call
someone.

>I kicked my foot out, and the stings seemed to stop. The sounds I
heard
>now were sounds of pain, and death.

GYPSY: Someone must be playing the new Korn CD.

>I had come to know these sounds well
>in the past few years, but it made me sick to think I had been the
cause
>of them.

MADGE: (as weepy Col. Glenn Manning): What sin could a cujine commit in
a single
lifetime...

GYPSY: You can't really slur a heritage that hasn't been established,
Madge.

MADGE: Oh, what? I'm supposed to wait for the author to give us her
background?

PEARL: As much as I hate to agree with her, Gyps?

>Leaping up and over the roof,

ALL: PUMAMAN!

>I landed in the prison yard.
>Some inmates were working, tending the landscape,

[All snicker.]

SCRATCH (through bullhorn): All convicts clear the yard! No- not you
three!
Thatch the lawn! Trim those hedges! Make a little bunny shape!

>when my abrupt fall
>shook the earth.

MADGE (giant, boomingly): I am Titan! Beyond the laws of man!
Dispensing
justice as- (sees gardeners) Oh, hey, you're putting your tomatoes in!

GYPSY (gardener): Yeah, kinda early, but it's been so warm!

>I waved and leaped over the gates.

PEARL: Wheeee! This is fun, mommy!

>
>I was free....

SCRATCH (as guard, meekly as she leaves): Um... and don't come back?
Or you'll
get more of the same?

>
>Now to find Tony's murderers.

MADGE: 1-800-USASEARCH.

PEARL: Is the ability to find anyone, anywhere in America, a power we
really want to bestow on the audience of Jerry Springer?

SCRATCH: Think about it, won't youse? Good night!

>
>* * *

PEARL: Oh, that's the rating Gene Shalit gives every piece of crap.

>
>Leaving the walls of the prison behind me was the easy part.

GYPSY (giant): But I couldn't walk away from myself.

>I walked
>through the township that borders the prison.

MADGE: National guard? Why bother?

>I felt the ground give way
>to my footfalls. Trying to gauge my height I guessed I was close to
100
>foot tall.

PEARL (giant): And judging from public reaction, invisible!

>The tree tops scratched at my bare thighs, I had no choice
>but to trample them down. It was so hard to get my bearings, when
>everything seemed so miniature. Finally I spotted a familiar looking
>cityscape.

SCRATCH: Cleveland!

ALL: RUUUUN!

PEARL: They'll make us watch Drew Carey!

ALL: RUUUUN!

>This was where I had last been living. I wondered who was
>living in mine and Tony's house now,

SCRATCH: Our house, if you will.

>and what happened to all of our
>things.

MADGE (giant): I should take a moment to hang out, relax... maybe stick
my toe in the pool! HA! I kill me.

>
>I slowly walked down our old street.

GYPSY (sings): All at once am I, seven stories high!

>The tarmac buckled and cracked
>between my toes. I knelt down in the street to peer in the window. I
>felt the buildings behind me explode as my ass bumped them.

PEARL: You know, there are no innocent bystanders, really.

SCRATCH: Nope, all victims of our own karma, pretty much.

>Inside my
>old home was Mary. Dear sweet Mary.

MADGE: Dear, sweet, bra stuffing, gold digging, revolving-door-bedroom
Mary.

>My best friend for years.

PEARL: We had joy, we had fun, we had hooters out to here!

>What was
>she doing in my house ? I sat down and watched her inside.

SCRATCH (as motorist behind giant): <HONK, HONK!> Move your ass,
lady! Whoap,
that IS your ass. Heh. Sorry about that.

>I could feel
>the music from her stereo vibrate the house and surrounding ground.

MADGE: Ironically, it's Little Feat!

GYPSY: Or maybe, Big Brother and the Holding Company?

MADGE: Could be!

>That
>explained why she hadn't heard me approaching. The house looked the
same
>as it had when I was sent away four years ago. It looked as if she had
>kept all my things. I peered in closer. She was wearing my clothes !
>Something began to gnaw at my insides.

PEARL (as giant, groaning): Oh, man! I shouldn't have eaten that White
Castle.

SCRATCH: Heh! Yeah, their burgers are somethin', huh?

PEARL: Burgers?

>I closed my eyes and replayed the
>events leading up to Tony's murder.

GYPSY: Tony got shot, and died. Hmm. Maybe I should go back a little
further...

>
>Mary had called and asked Tony to come over and fix her car.

MADGE (Mary, huskily): The interior lights go out whenever I close the
door!

>She was
>always calling and asking him to help her.

PEARL (Mary, huskily): I've forgotten if I'm a 38D or a 42C.

>I felt so proud to be with
>someone so generous with his time. But that night he was acting weird.
>Mumbling about Mary finding her own life and her own friends.

GYPSY: Well no wonder! His acting coach was David Duchovny!

>Now
>looking back I see how ominous those words were. It was soon after
that
>I saw the gunman enter from out of the shadows of the dining room and
>point his gun at me.

SCRATCH: Ya know? They really shouldn't have developed the grassy
knoll.

PEARL: I tend to agree with you there.

>I had screamed and Tony came running in the room
>just as there was an explosion of light. Time froze. The look of
>confusion on Tony's face would be forever etched in my mind.

GYPSY (Tony): Uh....am I dead now? I thought I was dead before.

SCRATCH (Tony, death rattle): I... defied plausibility for ya, babe.
Arrrgh...

>I heard
>screams, before I realized they were mine.

PEARL (giant): NO! You can't die before telling me what my name is,
dammit!

>I looked to the gunman and
>clearly saw his face as he wiped the gun off and dropped it.

SCRATCH (gunman): Oh! Um, you won't tattle, will ya? Promise?

>
>Now gazing into my old house watching Mary among my things wearing my
>clothes, I felt ill.

GYPSY (giant): Ugh. That handbag, with THOSE shoes?

>Mary seemed to be talking, or shouting, to someone.
>I lowered myself to get a better view. My stomach rose up in my
throat.
>It was HIM.

MADGE: Senator Phil Graham!

SCRATCH (as Senator Graham): The Equal Rights For Giants Bill will pass
over mah cold, dayd, body! Oops.

>
>Rage took over. I ripped the roof off of my house

GYPSY: Yeah, tear the roof off the joint!

MADGE: Rock this mutha!

SCRATCH: Cum on, feel the noize!

MADGE: We're all stars now, in the dope show!

PEARL: Eh. I agree with the "dope" part.

>and reached to snatch
>up that man. Angrily I grabbed at him, but he ran into the next room.

PEARL (giant): What the- man, he wriggles like a bloodworm!

>With a flick of my finger I collapsed the walls and saw him trembling
in
>the corner. Mary's screams filled the air, blasting over the loud
music.

MADGE (laughing): Oh, so Mary's screams are louder than a giant's
footsteps or a house being knocked down!

>
>"Who the hell are you?" He shouted to me.

ALL (sing): I'm Henry the Eighth, I am! Henry the Eighth, I am, I am!

>
>"Why don't you ask your little friend Mary ?" I snickered as I reached
>in and grabbed the both of them in my fist.

SCRATCH (stoned): Whoa, leave the Floyd on, man. It's "Crazy Diamond
Part
XXVI".

>"Now I give you both about
>10seconds to explain to me what happened here four years ago."

GYPSY (Mary): Well, GOPAC called to divert another $35K to the direct
mail campaign...

MADGE (giant): No! I mean Tony's murder!

>
>"You are suppose to be dead!

PEARL: Oh, someone has to learn when you "suppose", you make a "sup"
out of "po" and "se"!

>We were watching the news when they said
>they had begun the execution.

[All snicker.]

MADGE (Mary): Conveniently, we turned it off immediately and missed all
that
female growth malarkey!

>How did you get to be this size?"

GYPSY (giant): Oh, I have my ways of twisting the laws of biology, Mary!

>Mary
>again trying to steer the conversation. How I remembered that little
>irritating habit.

[All cackle.]

SCRATCH: The sad thing is, so few friends address these issues before
one of
them mutates into a vengeful manifestation of a wrathful god?

PEARL: Mm. And at that point? It's too late. The damage is done.

>
>"Mary, tell me who your little friend is. And I suggest you tell me
>now!"
>
>"This is my new husband Lew.

ALL (as Mary Tyler Moore): MIS-ter GRAAAANT!

>We were married last year."

MADGE: In a very touching ceremony. Even the stripper cried.

>
>"Lew, nice to meet you " I began to squeeze my fingers around his
waist.

SCRATCH: Huh, yeah, great. Bumbling incompetent hitman, he gets a
name. Main
lead hundred-foot tall central character heroine we're supposed to GIVE
A CRAP
about, however...

>My anger boiling just below the surface. "Maybe Lew can tell me why he
>murdered my love and let me rot in a jail cell." His bones began to
snap
>inside my grasp.
>
>"Tell her ! She is crushing me!"

GYPSY (Mary): Oh, you do it! You're closer!

>Lew struggled to break my tight grip.
>His puny fists pounding on my fingers.

MADGE (giant): Smell my finger, Lew!

SCRATCH (Lew): Hey, believe me, I do! Couldn't your last request have
been for
a Handi-Wipe?

>His legs were kicking out wildly
>as he tried to get away.
>
>I slowed the pressure long enough to let Lew speak. "Maybe you would
>like to tell me then Lew, since your little wife here seems to be
>speechless."
>
>"She made me do it! She told me just one person would be in the house,
and
>to shoot that person. I had you in my sights

GYPSY: In his sights? He was right in front of her!

>when he came into the room.
>Too late, I had already squeezed the trigger. I watched you from the
>window for a long time after.

PEARL: So you're saying, when you shot Tony, you reached your quota?

>Then I heard sirens,

GYPSY: -and driven mad with desire, I steered my boat to the rocks!

>and knew I had to get
>away right then."
>
>I turned my gaze to my best friend Mary. "Explain!"

[All guffaw.]

>
>"You had everything I wanted. Tony, this house, your job, which is mine
>now, too.

PEARL (giant): What, at the same salary?

MADGE (Mary): Nah, 5% reduction, plus no dental. But I do get flextime.

>I wanted you out of the way. But as always Lew fucked things
>up.He killed Tony. I had been watching from the shadows across the
>street.

SCRATCH (Lew): What? Man, I thought you trusted me. Our whole
relationship is a lie, isn't it?

PEARL (giant): Hello? Giant here, crushing you?

SCRATCH: Oh, right. Sorry.

>As soon as I heard the gunshot I called 911.

MADGE: Got a busy signal, called again, got disconnected...

> With Lew locked
>away for murder and you dead I knew Tony would turn to me, and I would
>have everything I deserved."

GYPSY (giant, sighing): You know, Mary, I'm not mad. I'm just...
disappointed.

>
>"Everything you deserve. Well my friend I do think that is exactly
what
>you will get!" My fist began to tighten around my two tiny captives.

ALL: Aw, no! No!

GYPSY: Don't you dare! Don't you-

> I felt and heard the screams.

ALL (crying): EWWWWW!

>It felt strange, but it felt right.

PEARL (bobbing in her seat from fury): Oh yeah? Well FEEL THIS,
masochist!

MADGE: Aw, man, this makes "The Incredible Melting Man" look
like "Teletubbies"!

>I
>continued to compress them, the screams stopped. A warm gooey pulp
oozed
>between my fingers.

SCRATCH: Think the author made meatballs after this? Or a nice
Salisbury steak?

GYPSY: Bluch!

>It felt so exciting. I was actually enjoying the
>feeling of power and control I had gained.

GYPSY: Oh, if you're so in control, try putting them back together!

>
>Standing, I wiped the gore from my hand,

MADGE: Hope it's Tipper.

GYPSY: No you don't.

MADGE: No I don't, no.

>and kicked the remains of the
>house. Pieces of it flew high into the air. Suddenly I felt drained. I
>began to wonder if I would be this size forever.

SCRATCH: Well, no. I mean, the story's gotta end sometime. The
author's not
immortal or anything. I hope.

>If not I would be
>returned to jail.

GYPSY: Can't she argue severe mental anguish?

PEARL: Ours doesn't count.

>Shivering at that thought, I knew I could no longer
>stay in this town, or even this state. I began walking.

SCRATCH (TV announcer): Fugitive Giant! Wanted for a murder she didn't
commit!
And a couple of really gruesome ones she actually did, plus a half
million in
property damage, and she may have left a family or two homeless.

>Being more
>careful of the houses in my path than I had before. All the hate I had
>seemed to be released. I walked for hours. Finally I came upon a large
>lake, that looked custom made for my bath. I lowered my body into the
>cool water.

MADGE: And, since it was Lake Erie, her flesh dissolved instantly!

SCRATCH: It felt strange, but it felt right!

>The mud soothed my warm flesh as I closed my eyes, relaxing
>for the first time in many long years.

[Pearl-vo, Scratch, and Gypsy rise to leave the theater.]

PEARL: Yeah, you've committed two gruesome murders, your soul is damned
to hell
for all eternity, but at least you got yourself a spa outta the whole
deal!

GYPSY: So anybody got any questions for the author?

SCRATCH: Yeah, I think I got one. (screeches) Explain!

/ * \... = 2 =... > 3 <... [ 4 ]... ( 5 )... | 6 |...

[OPEN ON: <SOL Bridge>. Pearl-vo and Scratch are huddled over a
diorama of a
house and its exterior street, with various figurines in place.]

PEARL: OK. So the gunman is outside the house?

SCRATCH: No, no, Miss "Explain!" saw him in the shadows of the dining
room.

PEARL: But he watched her from the window!

SCRATCH: Well... maybe, from the inside part of the window?

MADGE: Well, wherever he was, Tony wasn't in the room, or Lew would've
seen she
wasn't home alone as he maintained.

SCRATCH: Right. So Tony, using his Kreskin-like extra-sensory
perception,
leaps from another room into the path of the bullet, saving the tiny
giant's
life, and discouraging Lew so much he forgets to kill the witness.

PEARL: Right.

[All look at each other for a beat.]

ALL (screaming, on top of each other): WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY OUT OF
THEIR
FREAKIN' MINDS EXPECTING US TO BELIEVE THIS-

[Suddenly the bridge goes dark. Alarms buzz, and sirens flash. ]

GYPSY (entering): Sensors detect a large, ungainly lump of poorly
defined matter
off the port stern! It could be Pearl's body!

PEARL: Oh thank- (stops) hey!

GYPSY: Cambot! Rocket number one!

[INSERT: A shot of blank space.]

GYPSY: Number four?

[INSERT: A shot of blank space.]

GYPSY (resentful): Ooooo... fine. Number nine! God forbid we should
change our
routine around here!

[INSERT: A huge suit of space armor is floating in the cosmos.]

GYPSY (over insert): Engaging tractor beam! Preparing to take flotsam
aboard!

[CUT BACK: <Bridge>]

MADGE: So Scratch. Cable television. Hell produces most of that,
right?

SCRATCH: Eh. Just "South Park". Know who does the voice of Cartman?
Granny
Clampett! 124 years young.

PEARL (impressed): Really!

[PAN over to the left as the alien suit is brought in. Huge,
foreboding, like a
battletech robot without a head.]

GYPSY: Oh, my stars!

SCRATCH: Um... Pearl's body is bigger than I remember.

GYPSY: It's of an alien technology way beyond our comprehension!

PEARL: Huh. So my head would go there, then?

[The robot's arms come to life, startling Scratch and Gyps. They take
hold of
the globe containing Pearl's head, and lifts it off Giant Servo's
body. ]

PEARL: Wow, and it's self-serve, too!

GYPSY: Pearl! Get away!

[The robot lowers the globe to rest where its head should be.]

PEARL: Oh, calm down, ya nervous Nellies. What could possibly go
wrong?

MADGE: Why would anyone SAY that?

[The globe is set onto the body, and immediately is illuminated by red
light.
Pearl's expression wipes to become blank and menacing, and her voice is
booming
and mechanical.]

APOCRYPHA: I AM APOCRYPHA! KEEPER OF THE ALL-ENCOMPASSING VOID OF
ETERNAL
SLEEP!

SCRATCH: Whadaya mean, like "Cats"? "Phantom"?

MADGE (laughing): Yeah! She's Andrew "'Droid" Weber!

[Madge and Scratch snigger at Pearl.]

APOCRYPHA: FOOLISH MORTALS! SUBMIT, OR FACE MY WRATH!

MADGE: Yeah, right, Pearlite. I've faced you eating a meatball
hoagie! Your
wrath can't be half as horrid.

[The robot raises a hand. We hear a deep electronic SPROING!, as the
hand
transforms into a huge hammer. She swings it down and smashes the desk
into
exploded splinters.]

SCRATCH (nervous): You may have pushed her buttons there, Madge.

MADGE (mocking): Oh, so the big robot thinks she can change her hand
into
anything!

APOCRYPHA: IT IS SO!

MADGE: Oh, like you could turn your hand into an overripe cantaloupe.
No way.

APOCRYPHA: INSIGNIFICANT VOICE FROM NOWHERE!

[The robot lifts its hand over its head, SPROING!, and it changes to an
overripe
cantaloupe.]

GYPSY: Oo, and it smells, too! Yummy!

SCRATCH: Hey, cool! I wanna record "VIP" tonight, can you do a ten-
pack of VCR
tapes?

[The robot lifts its hand, SPROING!, and it transforms.]

SCRATCH: Um, I need beta, actually.

APOCRYPHA: YOU'RE KIDDING.

SCRATCH: Lookit, it was Sony! Who knew?

MADGE: Huh, big deal. She could NEVER change it into a cross-town bus.

APOCRYPHA: OH, REALLY?

SCRATCH: Uh-oh. (ducks off screen)

GYPSY (to camera): Life's Little Instruction Book #69. Approach all
problems
with equal parts Brothers Grimm and Chuck Jones. We'll be right back.
(ducks
off-screen)

[CUT TO: <Spinning logo>. Off-screen, we hear, SPROING!, and the
revving engine
of a cross-town bus.]

APOCRYPHA (voice over, after a few surprised grunts at not being able
to hold a
cross-town bus over her head ): AW, FUDGE.

[We hear the sound effect of a cross-town bus crushing an alien robot.
The
spinning logo shot shakes at the impact.]

---

Commercials.

<End Part 2>

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--- The Imp ---

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but most of the time they probably shouln't."


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