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[MiSTing] A Brother, Captain, and King 4/11 [NC-17]

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Kaitou Juliet

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Jul 30, 2003, 11:20:36 PM7/30/03
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CONTINUED from part 3

> *

Joel: [singing] Well, I know that you are a shooting star...

>
> It must have been mere hours later, when the others were preparing for
> the night, that I noticed Boromir

Joel: The future King of Men isn't too perceptive, is he? I mean,
Boromir's *huge*.

> sitting apart,

Tom: Pull it together, man!

> on a stone
> overlooking some darker, less inhabited dale of the forest.

Crow: Like "The Thinker".
Tom: I think we can safely rule that out, eh?

>
> "Try to get some sleep", I said, walking up to him, trying to sound
> neither patronising nor sheepish.

Crow: Maybe Boromir likes sheep?
Joel: Don't even, Crow.

> "The borders of this forest are well guarded.

Joel: Curse this leafy prison!

> We are
> safe here."

Crow: Yeah...that's what he *wanted* you to think.

>
> He looked at me, his eyes unsteady

Tom: ...after all the dope he's been doing...

> with pain and worry, and answered:

Joel: [Boromir] Aragorn, I've been having these disturbing thoughts
deep in my subconscious that I might be a little gay. What do
you think?

> "I will
> find no peace here among these trees."

Crow: [Boromir] I never knew trees could *really* scream. I can't take
it any more!

>
> He looked at me again and finally, for the first time,

Crow: [Aragorn] Realized I was actually a man.

> confided in me.
>
> "She has seen into my heart", he said softly, barely hidden terror in
> his voice.

Joel: [Boromir] She told me my arteries are clogged and I'll need to go
on a low-fat diet.
Tom: [Aragorn, sympathetically] Dude, that sucks!

>
> I half expected to find some grim satisfaction to see him so
> vulnerable and even more shaken than myself,

Crow: [Aragorn] I like my Boromir shaken, not stirred.

> yet it was only the wish
> to console him,

Joel: Like a big TV from the 1970s?

> to ease this burden that wore down his heavy
> shoulders,

Tom: Aragorn could volunteer to carry Boromir's backpack. That might
be helpful.

> that I found within me.
>
> I sat down next to him, and he began to talk, reluctant at first, then
> ever more freely,

Crow: [Aragorn] And then on and on, endlessly, until the only thought
that filled my brain was the desire to kill him and be done with
his noise forever.

> about his fear to fail his people, to loose the war,

Joel: What a great Steward, loosing the war upon his people like that!

> to fail to hold up
> to his own expectations.

Tom: Lowered Expectations Dating Service could use good men like
Boromir.

> And then, finally letting down his usually
> ever-present guard,

Crow: [Boromir] Okay, Jack. You can go home now. Stand down, soldier.

> he began to talk about how he missed his home of Minas Tirith. How
> the white towers gleamed in the morning light like so much

Tom: --Teeth, treated with Crest WhiteStrips.

> pearl and
> the feeling of being called home by the clear sound of

Joel: --The little ChuckWagon, coming out from under the sink.

> silver horns.
>
> "I have a dream", he said,

Tom: Channeling Dr. King, in another dimension...

> smiling at me sadly. "One day, we both will ride into
> the White City,

Joel: [Boromir] --and order hamburgers at the White Castle.

> and all the folk will be there,

Tom: Including his peeps, yo?

> hailing us, shouting
> 'Alas, the Lords of Gondor have returned!'"

Crow: [The folk of Gondor] Shoot! We thought they were gone for good.
Just when you start to celebrate...

>
> And he smiled at me again, offering me a truce with his kind words
> after so much useless suffering.

Tom: So Boromir finally stopped talking?
Crow: That was *Aragorn* suffering uselessly, right? During Boromir's
tirade?
Joel: No, I think it was *us*.

>
> Yet it was exactly the one kind of truce I could not accept. I could
> be second to none,

Joel: Aragorn is TO THE X-TREME!!

> nor could I share my rule

Tom: Aragorn apparently missed that lesson about sharing in preschool.
Crow: [Aragorn] My rule! Mine! You can't play with it!

> with however valiant a knight. I hated my
> fate, dealing me a lover I could never reach,

Joel: [Aragorn] Curse my short Ranger arms!

> and then, when finally
> he turned to accept me,

Crow: [Boromir] I *guess* this Aragorn will have to do...

> having to reject him myself. I tried to sit
> back, to be quiet and say nothing,

Tom: [Aragorn] In the hopes that he would just get the hint and go
away.

> just to keep this moment of mutual friendship unblemished,

Joel: Break out the social Stridex.

> but I
> could not. Not with the memory of Galadriels voice pounding in the
> back of my head.

Tom: [Aragorn] ...like a hangover I could never forget in all my days.

>
> "There will never be two Lords of Gondor", I said softly,

Joel: [Aragorn] Not after I KILL YOU!

> painfully
> aware of how much effort it cost me.

Crow: I didn't know Aragorn was a stutterer.

>
> Boromir just sat there, and I already feared that he might

Tom: --Catch a second wind and start talking again?

> have
> overheard my words, when finally he turned around to face me, with all
> the sadness of the world in his eyes.

Crow: That's gotta hurt some, eh?

>
> "I know..", he said, tears all but strangling his voice.

Joel: I bet Aragorn is wishing secretly that the tears had strangled
more than Boromir's voice.
Tom: I know *I* am.
Crow: The voice might be enough...

>
> It broke my heart.

All: Awwww!

>
> "Why--", I started, surprised by the fact that I had to bite back
> tears, too.

Crow: Couple of manly-men, these.

>
> "Why don't we go for a walk, so that we won't disturb the others", I
> proposed,

Tom: Wait, they're getting married already? That was quick.

> gently nodding towards the rest of our company, mainly busy getting
> some sleep.

Crow: Except for the hobbits, who were going at it like rabbits in
springtime.

>
> For a moment Boromir thoughtfully

Joel: Okay, okay--that blew the whole story for me. How far out of
character can we get?

> looked where I had been pointing to,
> then nodded and rose.

Crow: and thus, the sex scene begins.

> With a quiet gesture of good will he offered me

Tom: [Aragorn] --A sandwich! Gods bless him, I'm his!

> one of his broad hands to

Crow: [Aragorn] --Slap the side of my face. Damn Gandalf for
insinuating that night around the campfire that I liked it
rough...

> help me, which I thankfully accepted.

Tom: [Aragorn] Thank you, Boromir. May I have another?

> The
> last days had been draining our bodies to the limit,

Joel: Like a huge, bright vampire.

> and now, in
> security, they started to demand some care with a vengeance.

Tom: So, they need to care for...the days?

> But an
> aching heart will always overrule aching feet,

Joel: Yes, heart attacks do tend to kill quicker than fallen arches.

> and so we both set out
> for a walk along the less populated areas of the forest.

Crow: Most of the forest had become so crowded that it was almost like
living in suburbia or something.
Joel: It's like living in Ultima Online.

>
> *

Joel: [sings] When you wish upon a star...

>
> We walked in silence for a while, the broad Gondorian prince

Crow: So he's really a she? A princess?

> and I, each one
> seemingly sorting out his own messed-up emotions.

Tom: [Aragorn] Boromir, your "love" is in my "despair".
Crow: [Boromir] Yeah, well, your "heartbreak" is in my "desire".

>
> After some time, when the silence became oppressive, I managed to say:
>
> "We do have to talk."

Joel: That usually preceedes the "Let's be friends" speech.

>
> How weak a line for a man expected to rule a country within a score of
> month!

Joel: Dude, that was weak!
Tom: Does this month seem unusually long to any of you, or is it just
me?

>
> But Boromir did not seem to notice or care for my obvious absence of
> any form of expressional talent,

Crow: Like Boromir'd recognize that if he saw it! Having none of his
own, I mean.

> and nodding slowly he answered,
> equally sheepish:

Joel: [Boromir] Baa.

>
> "Yes, we do."

Tom: [Boromir] We do have to talk. Wish we could do the mind-
projecting thing like that hippie elf chick.

>
> I attributed his muted voice to his encounter with the Lady Galadriel,

Crow: Wore out his mouth, eh?
Joel: That's base, even for you.

> never
> guessing it might stem from some other worry, one concerning me far
> more personally.

Crow: Think Boromir's worried about not measuring up once the clothes
come off?
Joel: I don't want to think about it, Crow.

>
> But facing an enemy within oneself is always harder than facing an
> enemy outside,

Tom: Just ask the people on the ship in _Alien_.

> and it took me some considerable strength to ask:

Crow: [Aragorn] So, Boromir...boxers or briefs?

>
> "Why have you always kept away yourself so much?

Tom: I didn't know Aragorn was Pennsylvania Dutch!

> I have tried so often
> to treat you

Joel: [Aragorn] But you keep insisting we go dutch!

> as a friend, yet every time you rejected my offers."

Crow: [Boromir] Oh, you just wanted to be *friends*? And all this
time, I thought you were hitting on me.

>
> Abruptly, Boromir turned around and stared at me, all traces of
> sadness wiped away by an expression of pure flaring anger.

Crow: Flaming anger?
Tom: Somebody's face should be red, after this.

>
> "You?!", he bellowed at me. "You tried to be friends?"

Joel: [Aragorn] Well, aside from all those times I tried to kill you in
your sleep, yeah.
Crow: [Aragorn] You've gotta focus on the positive, man.

>
> He stepped up to me, his body emanating

Tom: --Really nauseating body odor.

> the feeling of physical power barely
> hold in check.

Crow: Hold in check...let cash roam free?

>
> Maybe my idea of opening our talk with something that might be
> misunderstood as an allegation had not been so wise a move,

Joel: Ya think?!

> but it was
> too late now.

Tom: [Aragorn] Him being dead and all.
All: D'oh!

>
> "You little upstart with your elven upbringing and your elven manners
> and your elven haughtiness tried to be friendly?"

Joel: [Boromir] I'm, like, so sure.
Tom: I feel like I've wandered into an alternate-reality set of
_Heathers_.

>
> He gave off a snorting laugh, saying

Tom: [Boromir] Damn fine cocaine!

>
> "That's ridiculous!",

Crow: No, Gollum doing a softshoe in a straw boater is ridiculous.
Joel: Gandalf: P.I.
Tom: Dwarf stacking.
Crow: Halfling lap dances!
Joel: Saruman in a tutu smoking a tube of pepsodent!
Tom: The one pizza... TO RULE THEM ALL.
All: THAT'S ridiculous.

> and turned away, deeper into the woods.

Joel: Of course, he can only go halfway into the woods before he's
coming out again.
Crow: There's all sorts of coming out in this story....

>
> I stood, stunned by surprise and disbelief, and felt white-hot anger
> welling up in me.

Tom: Rejected friendship is like an inferno raging inside you.

> Of all people of Middle-earth he dared to call me
> haughty?

Joel: Yeah, 'cause that reaction doesn't sound haughty at all...

> Him, who tortured my heart from the beginning with constant

Crow: Talking?

> spite and rejection?
>
> I went after him,

Tom: Well, that's what Boromir's wanted all along, right? Problem
solved and story ended. Right?

> all fatigue forgotten, yelling:
>
> "You stop now, son of the Steward of Gondor!"

Tom: Back to preschool again for Aragorn, I see.

>
> Called by his title, he stopped and turned to see what I was coming up
> with, his anger still clearly written in his face.

Crow: I feel like I'm watching pro-wrestling.

>
> "You cannot call me haughty and walk away on me like that!"

Joel: Does that seem like it should be followed by a "You bitch!" to
anyone else?

>
> I came up to him and stood there, clearly in defiance of all his
> allegations.

Tom: [Aragorn] I object! It was *not* Miss Scarlet in the Billiard
Room with the wrench!

>
> "Of all people you call me haughty? You, who never had a friendly word
> for me, whatever I did? You, who turned away every time I offered
> help? You, who--"

Tom: Forget _Heathers_. Now it's _90210_.

>
> "SHUT up!", Boromir hissed,

Tom: [Aragorn] Realizing I was right.

> emanating pure physical threat.
>
> "Neither do I need your help, nor do I want it."

Tom: [Aragorn] Fine! But the next time an orc shoots you full of
arrows, don't come crying to *me*!

>
> Breathing heavily,

Joel: Now he's a phone perv? Will wonders never cease?
Crow: It's Middle-Earth. He's a palantir perv.

> he stared at me with all the bile of the worlds in
> his looks.

Crow: Wow...that's...icky.

>
> "I do not need you, nor does Gondor need you.

Joel: [Aragorn, singing] Nobody likes me/everybody hates me/I think
I'll go eat worms...

> And least of all, we
> have a use for a king who'd care more about elves than for men!"

Crow: They *do* have a use for such a king? Other than for target
practice, that is?

>
> It was simply to much for me to bear. First this constant pain of our
> non-relationship,

Tom: If there is no relationship, how can there be anything to feel
pain over?

> his constant rejection, the loss of Gandalf,

Joel: The rejection of Boromir is hardly on par with the loss of
Gandalf.

> Galadriels reprimand and now Boromir ridiculous insults.

Tom: [Aragorn] I mean really, "Not-Quite-Elfy-Not-Quite-King"? Surely
you can do better than that!

> On other
> days, I might just have laughed at his piteous efforts of
> justification,

Crow: As do we all, man, as do we all.

> but that night, under the trees of Lorien, I physically
> flung myself

Tom: [Aragorn] --Off a cliff, thus ending my torment.

> at him, only filled with the intend to tear his flesh and
> stop his petrified, malicious little heart from beating forever.

Tom: Um...if his heart is petrified, I doubt it's beating any.
Joel: Semantics, Tom. How many times do I have to tell you?

>
> He must have had expected my attack, though, for he managed to avoid
> my blow

Crow: Funny, I thought that's what Boromir's been wanting all along?

> and propel me into a nearby tree-root easily the size of a
> man.

Tom: [Aragorn] 'Twas a fine tree-root, and on first glance it was hard
to decide between its company and that of Boromir.
Crow: They're both of about equal intelligence.

>
> Grunting, he stepped towards me, but I managed to get on my feet
> faster and lurched at him again.

Joel: This is like watching "Hokey Pokey for Beginners."

> This time, I caught him off-guard,

Crow: Wait--did he just finish doing Jack, too? And after just letting
the man have the night off...

> and together we fell to the mossy ground, me on top of him both
> beating each other mindlessly.

Crow: So, they're--
Joel: That's enough out of you, buddy.

> Going for faces and groins,

Crow: But, Joel--
Joel: Just don't.

> we brawled
> like drunkards in front of a tavern, with bleeding noses and bleeding
> knuckles.

Tom: Three days later, their angsty foreplay continues....

>
> Somehow his strong blows must have shifted my weight,

Crow: Lightened his load, I'll bet.
Joel: I'm going to wire your jaw shut, Crow.

> for all of a
> sudden, he bucked up wildly, jerking up his knees,

Crow: Give the man a towel, for pity's sake!
Joel: I mean it, Crow! I'm getting the pliers now!

> thrusting me into
> the moss next to him.

Crow: Thrusting into me?

>
> Before I could recover, he was on top of me, raising his arms for a
> final blow.

Tom: Come on, Joel. You have to admit this double-entendre can't all
be coincidence.

>
> Yet the expected blow never came.

Crow: That must have been a let-down, eh?

>
> Instead, he let go of me after a moment, dropping himself next to a
> moss-covered root.

Tom: See? Now Boromir's going for the hot tree-root.

>
> I sat up, bewildered, for I honestly had expected a killing blow after

Crow: [Aragorn] All that foreplay.

> I had seen the mad rage he was capable of in his eyes.
>
> But Boromir sat there, mere meters away, his head between his knees,

Joel: --Kissing his ass goodbye.
Tom: Wow! I didn't know warriors were strong *and* flexible!
Crow: Guess he didn't really need Aragorn after all...

> strandy hair covering all his expressions.

Tom: Strandy?
Joel: Beats me.

>
> "Go away", he muttered defeatedly. "If you really tried to do good,
> you leave me now."

Tom: [Aragorn] It's "do *well*", you moron. Stupid Boromir.

>
> I wiped off snot and blood from my face

Tom: There's an image I didn't need.
Crow: Trust me--it could be worse.
Joel: I'm sure it will be, before it's over.

> and really thought about
> leaving this mad scene,

Joel: [Aragorn] "Rosemary for remembrance"? Pshaw!

> but something in his voice

All: [singing] "Is it in his voice?/Oh no, that's just his charm..."

> made me stay, much
> to my own fortune.

Tom: [Dirty Harry] Ya feel lucky, Aragorn? Do ya, punk?!

CONTINUED in part 5

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