MiSTed - "Stephen Ratliff and the Lost Fanfics of ASCEML" (2/2)

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Bill Livingston

Apr 4, 2008, 2:28:05 AM4/4/08
>From stephen...@earthlink.net Tue Apr 17 01:39:14 2007
>Xref: sn-us alt.startrek.creative.erotica.moderated:92548
>Path: sn-us!sn-feed-sjc-01!sn-xt-sjc-10!sn-xt-sjc-01!sn-xt-sjc-13!supernews.com!

Crow: Ever notice you never see Supernews and CNN in the same place at once?
Tom: You're not suggesting...
Crow: No, but without CNN's glasses. they *do* look an awful lot alike.

>NNTP-Posting-Date: Tue, 17 Apr 2007 07:55:05 -0500
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative.erotica.moderated

Mike: Take two random characters, add hormones, stimulate, stir. Serves
one newsgroup.

>Approved: as...@earthlink.net
>Organization: Better Living Thru TrekSmut

Crow: The white zone is for shipping and un-shipping only. There is no
in a red zone.

>Sender: as...@earthlink.net
>Message-ID: <>
>From: Stephen aka Old Man ASC <stephen...@earthlink.net>

Tom: Go to bed, Old Man!

>MIME-Version: 1.0
>Mailing-List: list ASC...@yahoogroups.com; contact ASCEML...@yahoogroups.com
>Date: Tue, 17 Apr 2007 02: 39:14 -0400
>Subject: NEW VOY Hello Janeway [PG] (filk)

Crow: 2% filk?

>Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII
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>X-Trace: sv3-ruXiDgQYEreYYOg8IZnS2oK7ypev1dKvtRz3DjYCQYy+s9WC/5RWUWzsuZn

Crow: Rats!
Mike: Still nothing?
Crow: It was almost Van Gogh's "Starry Night", but at the last second it
turned into a still life with David Spade.

>X-Complaints-To: ab...@io.com
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>X-Abuse-and-DMCA-Info: Please be sure to forward a copy of ALL headers

Mike: Every single header ever?
Tom: Well you can't be too careful, Mike.

>X-Abuse-and-DMCA-Info: Otherwise we will be unable to process your complaint
>X-Postfilter: 1.3.34

Crow: Ex Post Facto: unconstitutional.

>Title: Hello, Janeway!

Crow: Hello!
Mike: Hello!
Tom: Hello!

>Author: Stephen
>Series: VOY
>Rating: PG
>Codes: filk

Tom: It's a special double-substitution code, based on "Carmen Miranda's

>Summary: Originally written as part of the 2006 Golden Os Awards,

Crow: There's a free fanfic inside every box of delicious Golden Os!

>it deserves a separate post as well, per several others. Janeway returns
>to Star Fleet from the Alpha Quadrant to a version of Hello, Dolly!

Tom: She does? Why?
Mike: She tried returning to a version of "Avenue Q", but UPN refused to
broadcast it.

>Captain Janeway strode in from the wings.

Mike: She was covered in Blue Cheese dressing and reeked of buffalo sauce.

> Scattered around the edges of
>the stage were several Star Fleet Officers of various years.

Crow: It's Admiral Baby and Commodore Geezer.

>She approached Harry Kim,

Tom: But refused to promote him.

> caressing his cheek as she began to sing, "Hello

Crow: Starring MacLean Stevenson.

> Then turning to the other side, coyly glanced at Lieutenant Carey,
>"Well, Hello Carey.

Tom: You're so very...

> It's so nice to be back home where I belong"

Mike: In other words, not on the bridge of a starship.

>Janeway passed Captain Riker,

Tom: But was overtaken on the far turn by Kyle Petty.

> singing, "You're looking swell,

Crow: [Willie the Groundskeeper] Grrrrease me up, Woman!

> Then she slid up against Captain Picard.

Crow: Naked.
Mike: And raining.
Tom: And humid.

>"I can tell, Johnny
>You're still glowin', you're still crowin'

Mike: [Picard] Cock-a-doodle-doo! Make it so!

>You're still goin' strong
>For the band's playin'


>One of my old favorite songs from way back when
>So bridge that gap, fellas

Crow: Everyone, put on your khaki uniforms and dance!

>Find me an empty lap, fellas

Tom: Oh *WOW*!!!
Crow: Now we know how Voyager could afford all those shuttlecraft!

>Janeway'll never go away again
>Then the officers picked up covered dishes from the side of the stage,

Tom: [Minnewegian] Oh how lovely, they brought a dish to pass.
Mike: [Ditto] Oh, I love that nice Mr. Tuvok's green bean casserole, eh?
Tom: Oh, yah mean th'one with th'fried onions and whatnot?
Mike: Yah.
Tom: Yah, it's just so ding-dang tasty, y'know?

>and began singing in reply, as they delivered the main course ...

Crow: It was Leola Root. And she killed them all. The End.

>"Hello Janeway!
>Well, Hello Janeway!
>It's so nice to have you back where you belong
>You're looking swell, Janeway,

Tom: Or is it "swollen"? Hmmm. Ah well...

>We can tell, Janeway,
>You're still glowin',

Crow: Ever since that reactor breach.

> you're still crowin'
>You're still goin' strong.
>We feel the room swayin'

[All duck under their chairs]
Mike: [Below his seat] Wait, Tom, we can't have an earthquake here -
we're on a satellite up in space.
Tom: Oh.
[All get up]
Tom: Sorry.
Crow: Dickweed!

>For the band's playin'
>One of your old fav'rite songs from 'way back when

Tom: o/` Someday, love will find you!
Break those chains that bind you! o/`

>Janeway replied, "So here's my hat fellas,

Mike: Here's your hat, here's your coat, what's your hurry, buhbye.

> I'm stayin' where I'm at, fellas"

Crow: I'm also eating this food that I have.

>And the officers responded, "Promise you'll never go away again?"

Tom: But if you do, promise you'll never come back.

>Janeway took a seat on the edge of the center front table.

Mike: [Madeline Kahn] I'm tiwed! Sick and tiwed of wuv!

>"I went away from the lights of old Star Fleet
>And into my personal haze

Tom: It was purple, and she was freaking in it.

>But now that I'm back in the lights of old Star Fleet
>Tomorrow will be brighter than the good old days

Crow: Especially now that they've replaced all those incandescent
bulbs with fluorescents.

>The Officers appeared to look fondly,

Mike: But they were actually glaring at her with malevolent loathing.

> pausing in their delivery.

[Tom breathes rhythmically]

>"Those good old days
>Hello, Well Hello Janeway
>Well hello, hey look there's Janeway

Crow: Everyone stay calm! There is no reason to panic! DO NOT PANIC!!!!

>Janeway looked over Captain Kirk, "Glad to see you Jim,

Mike: And a little creeped out, since you're dead and all.
Tom: [Zombie Kirk] Brains... musthave... BRAINSarrrh!

> let's thank my
>lucky star"
>The Officer's chorused, "Your lucky star"

Crow: o/` 'Cuz it shines on me wherever you are! o/`

>Janeway slid over the bar in the back, noticing Captain Scott.

Mike: Noticed him? She practically tripped over him!

>"You're lookin' great, Scotty
>Lose some weight, Scotty?

Tom: Thanks to his patented new All-Booze Diet, Scotty's lost
enough weight to change the laws of physics!

>Janeway's overjoyed and overwhelmed and over par

Crow: And over the rainbow.
Tom: And over the hill.
Mike: But not yet over herself.

>The Officers, turned towards Janeway.

Crow: Mirab, his sails unfurled!

>"I hear the ice tinkle. See the lights twinkle
>And you still get glances from us handsome men

Crow: Then...
Mike: Suddenly...
Tom: Meanwhile...

>Janeway slid back into the midst of the officers, now headed back to the

Mike: Trying to lose herself in the pack.

> "Golly gee, fellas. Find me a vacant knee, fellas."

Crow: But there was no room at the knee for Kathryn.

>The officers twirled around Janeway, with the empty platters balanced on
>one hand,

Tom: [German] Now ist ze time on "Shprockets" vhen ve dance!

> "Janeway'll never go away again."

Crow: I'm starting to think this song's never going away.

>"Well, well hello, Janeway
>Well hello, Janeway

Mike: [Janeway] Enough with hellos, where's my coffee?!?

>It's so nice to have you back where you belong
>You're lookin' swell, Janeway
>We can tell, Janeway

Tom: But you can't tell her much!

>You're still glowin', you're still crowin'
>You're still goin' strong
>I hear the ice tinkle

Tom: Well, that's rather rude!
Crow: Yeah, no one likes an eavesdropper. Especially there.

>See the lights twinkle
>And you still get glances from us handsome men

Mike: Mainly, men wanting to know if your Borg friend is seeing anyone.


Tom: o/` A needle with some thre-e-e-e-ead! o/`

>Janeway took a seat on one of the steps. "Wow wow wow, fellas"

Crow: !woW boB woW !thaT guM yoU likE iS goinG tO comE bacK iN stylE!

>The officers surrounded her,

Tom: So Janeway sent them all a telegram reading "Nuts!"

> "Hey, Yeh!"

Mike: o/` Shake it like a Polaroid picture! o/`

>With a big smile, she pulled Kirk and Picard together against her sides,

Crow: Oh my.
Mike: And here we thought Tom Paris was the easiest mark on Voyager!

>"Look at the old girl now, fellas"
>The officers concluded, "Wow! Janeway'll never go away again."

Crow: And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

>who considered searching and replacing Janeway with Neelix before posting.

Mike: I'm not sure if that's the silliest idea I've heard all day, or just
the most disturbing.
Crow: Why not both?
Mike: Good point.

>stephen trekiverse us
>Marrissa Stories Author

Tom: [Stephen] But keep it under your hat, okay?

> ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
> ASCEM messages are copied to a mailing list.

Crow: Also, there's some guy at Homeland Security compiling a list of
some sort.

> Most recent messages
> can be found at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ASCEML.

Mike: Least recent messages found on walls of caves in France.
Tom: C'mon, let's get before she breaks into something from "Rent".

[all leave]

O |2| <3> (4) {5} [6]

[BRIDGE - Crow & Tom each have several sealed opaque plastic bags before
them, and about a dozen empty, crushed, cereal-type boxes behind them]

Crow: Oh man, I never want to see another piece of sweetened, artificially
colored, fruitishly-flavored grain product again!
Tom: You don't mean that.
Crow: Well - no, but it seemed the appropriate thing to say after downing
15 boxes.

[Mike enters, munching on a bag of marshmallows]

Mike: Hey guys. Late Breakfast?
Crow: It's more than just that, Mike. We're amassing our collection.
Mike: Your what?
Tom: Take a look.

[Mike holds up one of the boxes and read...]

Mike: Golden-O's?
Tom: Yep. Sugar-sweetened chunks of rice and corn in all your favorite Star
Trek shapes, from Spock to Phlox.
Crow: And they put special TrekSmut action figures in each box!
Tom: For a limited time only!
Crow: Wanna see?
Mike: I'm fairly sure they'll scar me for life, but what the heck?
Crow: Okay, let's start with this one.
Mike: [Picks up a bag, festooned with two "male" symbols (You know, Mars, or
circle with the arrow)] Huh. Can I open it?
Tom: Um, I'm not sure we're allowed to.
Crow: Yeah, due to various state, local and federal regulations.
Mike: Oh, sorry. Well, just describe it for me.
Crow: Well, this one is part of the "Slash" set. It seems fairly popular
around these here parts.
Tom: Yeah, this one is a "G/B". It's also available in K/S, P/Q, C/P and A/R.
Crow: There's also a Femmeslash set, with U/R and K/D and J/7 and J/T and T/S
and even C/T.
Mike: Hmm, okay, that's quite a -
Crow: Oh wait, there's these over here: [Mike picks up another mystery bag,
this one with both a male and a female symbol] It's part of what I like
to call the Het Set!
Tom: Constantly!
Crow: I just like a good rhyming scheme, is all. Anyway, this one's a - let's
see, it's a J/C.
Tom: Yeah, there's dozens of these things all over - P/C, J/Q, J/J...
Crow: K/U, S/U, S/C...
Tom: R/T, W/T, A/T, T/Tu...
Crow: P/T, K/T, K/7, C/7, A/S, O/K...
Mike: O/K! Yes, OK, I get the point. What about this? [Picks up a metal box
with a big bold "X" on it]
Tom: Aaah, the Crossover.
Crow: That's kind of an anything goes deal. It could be just about anybody
and anything.
Tom: Yeah, it's sorta like Schroedinger's Fanfic. You'll run up on stuff like
Scotty and Samantha Carter...
Crow: Janeway and Han Solo...
Tom: Phlox and Agent Scully...
Crow: Wesley Crusher and Buffy the Vampire Slayer...
Tom: Garak and Severus Snape...
Mike: Uh-huh. You realize that there's a fanfic author out there right now,
taking notes and preparing to subject us to every one of these, right?
Tom: *Pffft!*
Crow: Look, we survived that whole Daria/Sailor Moon crossover deal.
Tom: Yeah, what could be worse?
Mike: I dunno, how about Voyager/Daria/Sailor Moon?
Crow: I... we...
Mike: Where Seven and Tuxedo Mask get married and Jane Lane falls head over
heels for Harry Kim?
Tom: Thanks for jinxing us, Nelson!
Mike: Anytime. [Looks down again] Hey, here's one out of the bag. [He picks it
Up and we see that it's basically a teenage girl in a Fleet Uniform
holding a big honking gun] Don't tell me, let me guess - it's The Big M
herself, yes?
Crow: Yeah. we're not sure how she snuck into the Smut figures.
Tom: Probably all that skinny dipping.
Mike: Does she do anything?
Crow: I think she dips all the other action figures in water until their
clothes dissolve or something.
Tom: Then she locks them in a room until they agree to accede to her demands.
Mike: Typical, I suppose. [Looks down again and picks up another sealed bag,
this one larger and a kinda sorta rectangular shape] What's this one?
Tom: A Shuttlecraft.
Mike: A... Shuttlecraft?
Crow: Yes.
Mike: But how does that qualify as -
Crow: We don't know.
Tom: And we don't wanna know.
Mike: [starts to speak, then stops] Y'know, that's probably for the best.
Hey, uh, you think we should give the info now?
Crow: Aw, what's the point to it?
Tom: C'mon now, never say never, Crow.
Crow: *sigh* Yeah, okay. To join the MiSTing Authors Dibs List, send an
e-mail to "majo...@pinky.wtower.com" (assuming it ever revives) with
the message "subscribe dibslist" in the message body.
Tom: Of course, read the FAQ at "http://www.masemware.com/mst3k/faq.shtml" and
don't work blue. Oh, and whenever possible, try to discourage musical
interludes by your fleet captains.
Mike: That's the ticket.
Crow: Hey by the way, whatever happened to that blogging project you had?
Mike: Funny you should ask. I was contacted by a representative for the
nation's leading marshmallow producer. They offered me a pretty penny
for the whole set-up.
Tom: Mike!
Crow: Aw man, you sold out to Big Marshmallow!
Mike: [pops another in his mouth] Yup.
Tom: How much?
Mike: Lifetime supply of minis, plus they paid off all my credit cards.
Tom: The cards are active again? Sweet! [hovers off to transact transactions]
Crow: Well Mike, enjoy financial solvency for the next 10 minutes.

[Lights flash]

Mike: Yeah, that's what he thinks. Let him try and charge something on that
Diners Club and see how far he gets. [hits the button] So how was all
that, T'Pearl?

[D13 - Pearl & Brainy are lounging in a couple of deck chairs. On a table
between them is a pitcher full of a very very very yellow looking liquid.
Pearl & Brainy are clutching a daiquiri glass full of the same goop. They're
relaxed and mellow, and are bedecked with a snout and a pair of long floppy
ears. Brain Guy is cuddling his brain pan, where his brain is also bedecked
with a pair of long floppy ears.]

Pearl: 'Kay Brainy, down th'hatch!
Observer: Isn't, isn't this, like, the 18th one of these or something?
Pearl: I think so, b'who's countin'?
Observer: Ek-Exc'llent point! Here's looking up your old address!
[Pearl quaffs hers in one swallow. Brainy pours his over his Brain]
Pearl: Shmoove! [Notices camera] NELSHIN! Look Brainy, 's'our old pally
Mikey Mike-Mike Nelshin! An' Art! An', an' an the one who ain't art!
Observer: Sup, home fryers?
Pearl: Home Skillets.
Observer: Oh. Well, whatever.
Pearl: Hey, looks like you guys made it through whatever the hell it was I
sent you up there, huh? Huh?
Observer: Calls for a drinkypoo, I think.
Pearl: Guy Brain, you read my mind! [Both laugh hysterically at this] Hey
lissen up, Spacekins, I got a secret - if you wanna really good really
fun really really drink, yer best bet is some bashed mananas - bashed
mananas - 'Zerver, what'm I tryin' to say here?
Observer: Nashed Bamamas.
Pearl: Yeah, that's it. The Apester may be a pain in the whuzit, but lemme
tell ya, he makes a - *HELL* - of a bartender! He mixed his Slashed
Observer: Dashed Marambas.
Pearl: Whatever - he mixed 'em with this dog juice potion I had jus' kinda
lyin' around, an I gotta tell ya - I haven't been this buzzed since the
night I graduated fr'm good ol' Evil U and me an' thish guy - well,
anyway, 's a blast!
Observer: Word out!
Pearl: Up.
Observer: Whatever.
Pearl: Sh-sho ennyway, Nelshrik, I'll fix yer l'il red wagon nex' time, but...

[Bobo enters, carrying a large flat disk]

Bobo: Sorry to interrupt, Lawgiver...
Pearl: BOBOBO! Lookie here, Brainy, 's'our ol' pall BobbyBo!
Observer: Sup, home appliance?
Bobo: Thank you, Lawgiver. Anyway, the only thing left after cleaning out
downstairs was this old Frisbee and I didn't know what you-

[Pearl and Brain Guy instantly spring to attention. Their floppy ears are now
fully raised and alert]

Pearl: A FRISBEE?!?!? *pant**pant**pant*
Bobo: Um, are you sure you want me to.
Bobo: [shrugs] Well, okay. [Tosses the Frisbee away]
Both: MINE! [Both scamper after it, upsetting their drinks and barking madly]
Bobo: [watching them go] Hmm. Well I'll be. I guess everyone needs a hobby.
[pulls a small stuffed animal out of his coat pocket] I prefer Beanie
Babies myself.

[Bobo walks away humming, with Pearl and Brain Guy barking in the distance and
we fade away]

MiSTING BY: Bill Livingston
NORTH BY: Northwest
AND NOW I SAY UNTO YOU: In the words of my uncle - *Allez Cuisine!*

THANKS: To MiSTies, MuSTies, RATMMers, LJers, the teachers of America,
the cast & crew of "The Closer", Piper the Insane Leaping Dog,
and Tim (he's this guy, you wouldn't know him).

"Star Trek: TNG" and all associated characters and situations are
trademark of and (c) Paramount. All rights reserved. Please note that
TNG crewmembers may, without warning, appear randomly in the finale of
any other series and reduce all the main characters to holograms.

"Mystery Science Theater 3000" trademark of and (c) Best Brains, Inc. All
rights reserved. Where Emmett Kelley is still eating. And it's *still*

Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by others is intended or should be inferred.

No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or
should be implied. All characters in this work are fictional, and any
resemblance to actual people, living or dead, is purely coincidental
Keep repeating this to yourself, over and over, and it will become
your new reality.

Don't talk about our clown, Martha.

Keep circulating the posts.
>La Forge found her way too young, but he had no room to complain

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