MiSTed - "Stephen Ratliff and the Lost Fanfics of ASCEML" (2/2)

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Bill Livingston

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Apr 4, 2008, 2:28:05 AM4/4/08
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>From stephen...@earthlink.net Tue Apr 17 01:39:14 2007
>Xref: sn-us alt.startrek.creative.erotica.moderated:92548
>Path: sn-us!sn-feed-sjc-01!sn-xt-sjc-10!sn-xt-sjc-01!sn-xt-sjc-13!supernews.com!

Crow: Ever notice you never see Supernews and CNN in the same place at once?
Tom: You're not suggesting...
Crow: No, but without CNN's glasses. they *do* look an awful lot alike.

>news.glorb.com!border1.nntp.dca.giganews.com!nntp.giganews.com!
>bcklog2.nntp.dca.giganews.com!nntp.io.com!news.io.com.POSTED!not-for-mail
>NNTP-Posting-Date: Tue, 17 Apr 2007 07:55:05 -0500
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative.erotica.moderated

Mike: Take two random characters, add hormones, stimulate, stir. Serves
one newsgroup.

>Approved: as...@earthlink.net
>Organization: Better Living Thru TrekSmut

Crow: The white zone is for shipping and un-shipping only. There is no
slashing
in a red zone.


>Sender: as...@earthlink.net
>Message-ID: <6.1.2.0.2.200704...@mail.trekiverse.org>
>From: Stephen aka Old Man ASC <stephen...@earthlink.net>

Tom: Go to bed, Old Man!

>MIME-Version: 1.0
>Mailing-List: list ASC...@yahoogroups.com; contact ASCEML...@yahoogroups.com
>Date: Tue, 17 Apr 2007 02: 39:14 -0400
>Subject: NEW VOY Hello Janeway [PG] (filk)

Crow: 2% filk?

>Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII
>Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
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>NNTP-Posting-Host: 209.198.142.218
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Crow: Rats!
Mike: Still nothing?
Crow: It was almost Van Gogh's "Starry Night", but at the last second it
turned into a still life with David Spade.

>X-Complaints-To: ab...@io.com
>X-DMCA-Complaints-To: ab...@io.com
>X-Abuse-and-DMCA-Info: Please be sure to forward a copy of ALL headers

Mike: Every single header ever?
Tom: Well you can't be too careful, Mike.

>X-Abuse-and-DMCA-Info: Otherwise we will be unable to process your complaint
>properly
>X-Postfilter: 1.3.34

Crow: Ex Post Facto: unconstitutional.

>
>Title: Hello, Janeway!

Crow: Hello!
Mike: Hello!
Tom: Hello!
All: JANEWAY!

>Author: Stephen
>Series: VOY
>Rating: PG
>Codes: filk

Tom: It's a special double-substitution code, based on "Carmen Miranda's
Ghost".

>Summary: Originally written as part of the 2006 Golden Os Awards,

Crow: There's a free fanfic inside every box of delicious Golden Os!

>it deserves a separate post as well, per several others. Janeway returns
>to Star Fleet from the Alpha Quadrant to a version of Hello, Dolly!
>

Tom: She does? Why?
Mike: She tried returning to a version of "Avenue Q", but UPN refused to
broadcast it.

>Captain Janeway strode in from the wings.

Mike: She was covered in Blue Cheese dressing and reeked of buffalo sauce.

> Scattered around the edges of
>the stage were several Star Fleet Officers of various years.

Crow: It's Admiral Baby and Commodore Geezer.

>She approached Harry Kim,

Tom: But refused to promote him.

> caressing his cheek as she began to sing, "Hello
>Harry.

Crow: Starring MacLean Stevenson.

> Then turning to the other side, coyly glanced at Lieutenant Carey,
>"Well, Hello Carey.

Tom: You're so very...

> It's so nice to be back home where I belong"
>

Mike: In other words, not on the bridge of a starship.

>Janeway passed Captain Riker,

Tom: But was overtaken on the far turn by Kyle Petty.

> singing, "You're looking swell,
>Willie."

Crow: [Willie the Groundskeeper] Grrrrease me up, Woman!

> Then she slid up against Captain Picard.
>

Crow: Naked.
Mike: And raining.
Tom: And humid.

>"I can tell, Johnny
>You're still glowin', you're still crowin'

Mike: [Picard] Cock-a-doodle-doo! Make it so!

>You're still goin' strong
>For the band's playin'

Tom: FREEBIRD!!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!!

>One of my old favorite songs from way back when
>So bridge that gap, fellas

Crow: Everyone, put on your khaki uniforms and dance!

>Find me an empty lap, fellas

Tom: Oh *WOW*!!!
Crow: Now we know how Voyager could afford all those shuttlecraft!

>Janeway'll never go away again
>
>Then the officers picked up covered dishes from the side of the stage,

Tom: [Minnewegian] Oh how lovely, they brought a dish to pass.
Mike: [Ditto] Oh, I love that nice Mr. Tuvok's green bean casserole, eh?
Tom: Oh, yah mean th'one with th'fried onions and whatnot?
Mike: Yah.
Tom: Yah, it's just so ding-dang tasty, y'know?

>and began singing in reply, as they delivered the main course ...
>

Crow: It was Leola Root. And she killed them all. The End.

>"Hello Janeway!
>Well, Hello Janeway!
>It's so nice to have you back where you belong
>You're looking swell, Janeway,

Tom: Or is it "swollen"? Hmmm. Ah well...

>We can tell, Janeway,
>You're still glowin',

Crow: Ever since that reactor breach.

> you're still crowin'
>You're still goin' strong.
>We feel the room swayin'

Tom: AAAAHHHH!! EARTHQUAKE!!!
[All duck under their chairs]
Mike: [Below his seat] Wait, Tom, we can't have an earthquake here -
we're on a satellite up in space.
Tom: Oh.
[All get up]
Tom: Sorry.
Crow: Dickweed!

>For the band's playin'
>One of your old fav'rite songs from 'way back when
>

Tom: o/` Someday, love will find you!
Break those chains that bind you! o/`

>Janeway replied, "So here's my hat fellas,

Mike: Here's your hat, here's your coat, what's your hurry, buhbye.

> I'm stayin' where I'm at, fellas"

Crow: I'm also eating this food that I have.

>
>And the officers responded, "Promise you'll never go away again?"
>

Tom: But if you do, promise you'll never come back.

>Janeway took a seat on the edge of the center front table.
>

Mike: [Madeline Kahn] I'm tiwed! Sick and tiwed of wuv!

>"I went away from the lights of old Star Fleet
>And into my personal haze

Tom: It was purple, and she was freaking in it.

>But now that I'm back in the lights of old Star Fleet
>Tomorrow will be brighter than the good old days
>

Crow: Especially now that they've replaced all those incandescent
bulbs with fluorescents.

>The Officers appeared to look fondly,

Mike: But they were actually glaring at her with malevolent loathing.

> pausing in their delivery.
>

Crow: PUSH! PUSH!
[Tom breathes rhythmically]

>"Those good old days
>Hello, Well Hello Janeway
>Well hello, hey look there's Janeway
>

Crow: Everyone stay calm! There is no reason to panic! DO NOT PANIC!!!!

>Janeway looked over Captain Kirk, "Glad to see you Jim,

Mike: And a little creeped out, since you're dead and all.
Tom: [Zombie Kirk] Brains... musthave... BRAINSarrrh!

> let's thank my
>lucky star"
>
>The Officer's chorused, "Your lucky star"
>

Crow: o/` 'Cuz it shines on me wherever you are! o/`

>Janeway slid over the bar in the back, noticing Captain Scott.
>

Mike: Noticed him? She practically tripped over him!

>"You're lookin' great, Scotty
>Lose some weight, Scotty?

Tom: Thanks to his patented new All-Booze Diet, Scotty's lost
enough weight to change the laws of physics!

>Janeway's overjoyed and overwhelmed and over par
>

Crow: And over the rainbow.
Tom: And over the hill.
Mike: But not yet over herself.

>The Officers, turned towards Janeway.
>

Crow: Mirab, his sails unfurled!

>"I hear the ice tinkle. See the lights twinkle
>And you still get glances from us handsome men
>So...
>

Crow: Then...
Mike: Suddenly...
Tom: Meanwhile...

>Janeway slid back into the midst of the officers, now headed back to the
>stage,

Mike: Trying to lose herself in the pack.

> "Golly gee, fellas. Find me a vacant knee, fellas."
>

Crow: But there was no room at the knee for Kathryn.

>The officers twirled around Janeway, with the empty platters balanced on
>one hand,

Tom: [German] Now ist ze time on "Shprockets" vhen ve dance!

> "Janeway'll never go away again."
>

Crow: I'm starting to think this song's never going away.

>"Well, well hello, Janeway
>Well hello, Janeway

Mike: [Janeway] Enough with hellos, where's my coffee?!?

>It's so nice to have you back where you belong
>You're lookin' swell, Janeway
>We can tell, Janeway

Tom: But you can't tell her much!

>You're still glowin', you're still crowin'
>You're still goin' strong
>I hear the ice tinkle

Tom: Well, that's rather rude!
Crow: Yeah, no one likes an eavesdropper. Especially there.

>See the lights twinkle
>And you still get glances from us handsome men

Mike: Mainly, men wanting to know if your Borg friend is seeing anyone.

>So...
>

Tom: o/` A needle with some thre-e-e-e-ead! o/`

>Janeway took a seat on one of the steps. "Wow wow wow, fellas"
>

Crow: !woW boB woW !thaT guM yoU likE iS goinG tO comE bacK iN stylE!

>The officers surrounded her,

Tom: So Janeway sent them all a telegram reading "Nuts!"

> "Hey, Yeh!"
>

Mike: o/` Shake it like a Polaroid picture! o/`

>With a big smile, she pulled Kirk and Picard together against her sides,

Crow: Oh my.
Mike: And here we thought Tom Paris was the easiest mark on Voyager!

>"Look at the old girl now, fellas"
>
>The officers concluded, "Wow! Janeway'll never go away again."
>

Crow: And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

>...
>
>Stephen
>who considered searching and replacing Janeway with Neelix before posting.
>

Mike: I'm not sure if that's the silliest idea I've heard all day, or just
the most disturbing.
Crow: Why not both?
Mike: Good point.

>--
>Stephen
>stephen trekiverse us
>Marrissa Stories Author

Tom: [Stephen] But keep it under your hat, okay?

>http://www.trekiverse.us/stephen/
>
>
> ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
> ASCEM messages are copied to a mailing list.

Crow: Also, there's some guy at Homeland Security compiling a list of
some sort.

> Most recent messages
> can be found at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ASCEML.
>

Mike: Least recent messages found on walls of caves in France.
Tom: C'mon, let's get before she breaks into something from "Rent".

[all leave]

O |2| <3> (4) {5} [6]

[BRIDGE - Crow & Tom each have several sealed opaque plastic bags before
them, and about a dozen empty, crushed, cereal-type boxes behind them]

Crow: Oh man, I never want to see another piece of sweetened, artificially
colored, fruitishly-flavored grain product again!
Tom: You don't mean that.
Crow: Well - no, but it seemed the appropriate thing to say after downing
15 boxes.

[Mike enters, munching on a bag of marshmallows]

Mike: Hey guys. Late Breakfast?
Crow: It's more than just that, Mike. We're amassing our collection.
Mike: Your what?
Tom: Take a look.

[Mike holds up one of the boxes and read...]

Mike: Golden-O's?
Tom: Yep. Sugar-sweetened chunks of rice and corn in all your favorite Star
Trek shapes, from Spock to Phlox.
Crow: And they put special TrekSmut action figures in each box!
Tom: For a limited time only!
Crow: Wanna see?
Mike: I'm fairly sure they'll scar me for life, but what the heck?
Crow: Okay, let's start with this one.
Mike: [Picks up a bag, festooned with two "male" symbols (You know, Mars, or
the
circle with the arrow)] Huh. Can I open it?
Tom: Um, I'm not sure we're allowed to.
Crow: Yeah, due to various state, local and federal regulations.
Mike: Oh, sorry. Well, just describe it for me.
Crow: Well, this one is part of the "Slash" set. It seems fairly popular
around these here parts.
Tom: Yeah, this one is a "G/B". It's also available in K/S, P/Q, C/P and A/R.
Crow: There's also a Femmeslash set, with U/R and K/D and J/7 and J/T and T/S
and even C/T.
Mike: Hmm, okay, that's quite a -
Crow: Oh wait, there's these over here: [Mike picks up another mystery bag,
this one with both a male and a female symbol] It's part of what I like
to call the Het Set!
Tom: Constantly!
Crow: I just like a good rhyming scheme, is all. Anyway, this one's a - let's
see, it's a J/C.
Tom: Yeah, there's dozens of these things all over - P/C, J/Q, J/J...
Crow: K/U, S/U, S/C...
Tom: R/T, W/T, A/T, T/Tu...
Crow: P/T, K/T, K/7, C/7, A/S, O/K...
Mike: O/K! Yes, OK, I get the point. What about this? [Picks up a metal box
with a big bold "X" on it]
Tom: Aaah, the Crossover.
Crow: That's kind of an anything goes deal. It could be just about anybody
and anything.
Tom: Yeah, it's sorta like Schroedinger's Fanfic. You'll run up on stuff like
Scotty and Samantha Carter...
Crow: Janeway and Han Solo...
Tom: Phlox and Agent Scully...
Crow: Wesley Crusher and Buffy the Vampire Slayer...
Tom: Garak and Severus Snape...
Mike: Uh-huh. You realize that there's a fanfic author out there right now,
taking notes and preparing to subject us to every one of these, right?
Tom: *Pffft!*
Crow: Look, we survived that whole Daria/Sailor Moon crossover deal.
Tom: Yeah, what could be worse?
Mike: I dunno, how about Voyager/Daria/Sailor Moon?
Crow: I... we...
Mike: Where Seven and Tuxedo Mask get married and Jane Lane falls head over
heels for Harry Kim?
Tom: Thanks for jinxing us, Nelson!
Mike: Anytime. [Looks down again] Hey, here's one out of the bag. [He picks it
Up and we see that it's basically a teenage girl in a Fleet Uniform
holding a big honking gun] Don't tell me, let me guess - it's The Big M
herself, yes?
Crow: Yeah. we're not sure how she snuck into the Smut figures.
Tom: Probably all that skinny dipping.
Mike: Does she do anything?
Crow: I think she dips all the other action figures in water until their
clothes dissolve or something.
Tom: Then she locks them in a room until they agree to accede to her demands.
Mike: Typical, I suppose. [Looks down again and picks up another sealed bag,
this one larger and a kinda sorta rectangular shape] What's this one?
Tom: A Shuttlecraft.
Mike: A... Shuttlecraft?
Crow: Yes.
Mike: But how does that qualify as -
Crow: We don't know.
Tom: And we don't wanna know.
Mike: [starts to speak, then stops] Y'know, that's probably for the best.
Hey, uh, you think we should give the info now?
Crow: Aw, what's the point to it?
Tom: C'mon now, never say never, Crow.
Crow: *sigh* Yeah, okay. To join the MiSTing Authors Dibs List, send an
e-mail to "majo...@pinky.wtower.com" (assuming it ever revives) with
the message "subscribe dibslist" in the message body.
Tom: Of course, read the FAQ at "http://www.masemware.com/mst3k/faq.shtml" and
don't work blue. Oh, and whenever possible, try to discourage musical
interludes by your fleet captains.
Mike: That's the ticket.
Crow: Hey by the way, whatever happened to that blogging project you had?
Mike: Funny you should ask. I was contacted by a representative for the
nation's leading marshmallow producer. They offered me a pretty penny
for the whole set-up.
Tom: Mike!
Crow: Aw man, you sold out to Big Marshmallow!
Mike: [pops another in his mouth] Yup.
Tom: How much?
Mike: Lifetime supply of minis, plus they paid off all my credit cards.
Tom: The cards are active again? Sweet! [hovers off to transact transactions]
Crow: Well Mike, enjoy financial solvency for the next 10 minutes.

[Lights flash]

Mike: Yeah, that's what he thinks. Let him try and charge something on that
Diners Club and see how far he gets. [hits the button] So how was all
that, T'Pearl?

[D13 - Pearl & Brainy are lounging in a couple of deck chairs. On a table
between them is a pitcher full of a very very very yellow looking liquid.
Pearl & Brainy are clutching a daiquiri glass full of the same goop. They're
relaxed and mellow, and are bedecked with a snout and a pair of long floppy
ears. Brain Guy is cuddling his brain pan, where his brain is also bedecked
with a pair of long floppy ears.]

Pearl: 'Kay Brainy, down th'hatch!
Observer: Isn't, isn't this, like, the 18th one of these or something?
Pearl: I think so, b'who's countin'?
Observer: Ek-Exc'llent point! Here's looking up your old address!
[Pearl quaffs hers in one swallow. Brainy pours his over his Brain]
Pearl: Shmoove! [Notices camera] NELSHIN! Look Brainy, 's'our old pally
Mikey Mike-Mike Nelshin! An' Art! An', an' an the one who ain't art!
Observer: Sup, home fryers?
Pearl: Home Skillets.
Observer: Oh. Well, whatever.
Pearl: Hey, looks like you guys made it through whatever the hell it was I
sent you up there, huh? Huh?
Observer: Calls for a drinkypoo, I think.
Pearl: Guy Brain, you read my mind! [Both laugh hysterically at this] Hey
lissen up, Spacekins, I got a secret - if you wanna really good really
fun really really drink, yer best bet is some bashed mananas - bashed
mananas - 'Zerver, what'm I tryin' to say here?
Observer: Nashed Bamamas.
Pearl: Yeah, that's it. The Apester may be a pain in the whuzit, but lemme
tell ya, he makes a - *HELL* - of a bartender! He mixed his Slashed
Labambas...
Observer: Dashed Marambas.
Pearl: Whatever - he mixed 'em with this dog juice potion I had jus' kinda
lyin' around, an I gotta tell ya - I haven't been this buzzed since the
night I graduated fr'm good ol' Evil U and me an' thish guy - well,
anyway, 's a blast!
Observer: Word out!
Pearl: Up.
Observer: Whatever.
Pearl: Sh-sho ennyway, Nelshrik, I'll fix yer l'il red wagon nex' time, but...

[Bobo enters, carrying a large flat disk]

Bobo: Sorry to interrupt, Lawgiver...
Pearl: BOBOBO! Lookie here, Brainy, 's'our ol' pall BobbyBo!
Observer: Sup, home appliance?
Bobo: Thank you, Lawgiver. Anyway, the only thing left after cleaning out
downstairs was this old Frisbee and I didn't know what you-

[Pearl and Brain Guy instantly spring to attention. Their floppy ears are now
fully raised and alert]

Pearl: A FRISBEE?!?!? *pant**pant**pant*
Observer: THROW IT! THROWITTHROWITTHROWITTHROWIT!!!
Bobo: Um, are you sure you want me to.
Observer: YESOYESOYESOYES!
Pearl: PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE THROW IT!!!!
Bobo: [shrugs] Well, okay. [Tosses the Frisbee away]
Both: MINE! [Both scamper after it, upsetting their drinks and barking madly]
Bobo: [watching them go] Hmm. Well I'll be. I guess everyone needs a hobby.
[pulls a small stuffed animal out of his coat pocket] I prefer Beanie
Babies myself.

[Bobo walks away humming, with Pearl and Brain Guy barking in the distance and
we fade away]

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"ALL WET" AND "HELLO JANEWAY" BY: Stephen Ratliff
MiSTING BY: Bill Livingston
MiSTING DIBS LIST MAINTAINED (PER RUMOR) BY: Michael Neylon
ALL THE CAPITALIZED WORDS BY: The Capslock Key
NORTH BY: Northwest
AND NOW I SAY UNTO YOU: In the words of my uncle - *Allez Cuisine!*

THANKS: To MiSTies, MuSTies, RATMMers, LJers, the teachers of America,
the cast & crew of "The Closer", Piper the Insane Leaping Dog,
and Tim (he's this guy, you wouldn't know him).

"Star Trek: TNG" and all associated characters and situations are
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TNG crewmembers may, without warning, appear randomly in the finale of
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rights reserved. Where Emmett Kelley is still eating. And it's *still*
funny!

Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
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No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or
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resemblance to actual people, living or dead, is purely coincidental
Keep repeating this to yourself, over and over, and it will become
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Don't talk about our clown, Martha.

Keep circulating the posts.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>La Forge found her way too young, but he had no room to complain

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