[MiSTed] Orb Triple Take, Round 2 (part 2)
bookw...@my-deja.com
>
> Aliens Among Us?
Crow: No, just a fungus.
> Website displays photos of 11 categories
> and 5 styles of Alien Observaton Portals: Orbs and beings
> who use them !
Mike: On the next Jenny Jones!
>
> See the most amazing images you've ever seen of alien
> telescopic Orbs being used to observe humanity in its
> native setting.
Tom: Yeah, they're the most amazing images I've ever seen
of alien telescopic Orbs being used to observe
humanity in its native setting. They're also the
*only* images I've ever seen of alien telescopic
Orbs being used to observe humanity in its
native setting.
>
> Almost like a field trip,
Mike [little-kid voice]: Mom, can you sign this permission
slip for my field trip to Earth?
> except WE'RE THE NATIVE FLORA
> AND FAUNA
Crow: So people are plants as well as animals?
Tom: Sure. Haven't you heard of couch potatoes?
> and they are the people taking the field trip...
> to Planet Earth !!!
Crow: You know, I've been to Planet Earth, but I've never
been to me.
>
> Here's the place:
>
> http://www.orbsite.com
Tom: Same Orb time, same Orb channel!
>
> It could show you a thing or two!!!
Mike: I know a thing or two about a thing or two.
>
> Oh, by the way, the aliens who use the orbs do not make
> crop circles, but they find it extremely funny that human
> beings believe they do!
Crow: Well, *we* find it extremely funny that you believe
that we believe they do.
>
> NEXT, TO THE DETRACTORS WHO VISIT THIS WEBSITE:
Tom: Rave on, brothers and sisters!
All: Whooo!
>
> They Beings (of Light) who use the Orbs to visit and observe
> us,
Mike: Every smile we make, every breath we take, they'll be
watching us.
> have communicated that they have been thinking of making
> somethink like crop circles, only out of bedrock in some
> Mountains,
Tom: So, not at *all* like crop circles.
> 50 feet deep into it, and about six times the
> size of a skyscraper, to see how humanity reacts to it,
Crow: They'd probably ask them to finish the Crazy Horse
Monument.
> since it would be something that humanity couldn't make.
Mike: Well, we *could.* We're just not stupid enough to
waste time on something like that.
Crow: What about Mt. Rushmore?
Mike: Well...if that had not been made, there wouldn't have
been such a cool ending for 'North by Northwest.'
Crow: True.
> They were thinking of making it overnight, one night,
Mike: Yes, making something overnight implies that you did
it one night.
> near
> enough to some commercial airtraffic routes that it would
> be unavoidable and unconcealable.
Tom: And unadvisable.
Crow: And unforgivable.
> TEAM ORB was surprised
> at that communication and wondered why the Orb Beings
> thought it neccessary: their response?
Mike [as Orb Being]: Oh, bite me. It's fun!
> "Humans need to
> learn humility."
Crow: Oh, human males learn it every time they go out on a
date. Right, Mike?
Mike: That's the truth.
>
> They find us both comical and quite a bit insane: we kill
> millions of our kind every decade
Tom: Oh, yeah. Kosovo's a real laugh-riot.
> over something so stupid
> as which one of us is the "son" of the Creator
Crow: I believe that would be Jesus Christ.
> vs. which
> one took the scrolls to the mountain top
Tom: And I think that would be Mohammed.
> vs. which one of
> us brought tablets down off the mountain top,
Mike: And that would be Moses. I don't think these
identifications are the exact causes of dispute,
lilac.
> vs. which
> "pope" or "mullah"
Crow: They say Shaft is one bad Mullah--
Tom and Mike: Shut yo' mouth!
Crow: I'm just talkin' 'bout Shaft.
> or other is the right religious leader,
> when the creator is so vast and beyond us humans,
Tom: All right...
> and there
> are so many of His children under heaven,
Tom: Preach it, brother!
> of all different
> species,
Tom: Whoa, nellie! We've crossed back over to Loony Land!
> that all the posts on all the newsgroups
Mike [as lilac]: Of all the posts on all the newsgroups,
Pearl had to send on mine...
> and all
> the websites and stations and radio and books and magazines
> and tv and cinema and libraries and schools
Crow: And Gap stores and beauty salons and bicycle repair
places...
Tom: And tire stores and banks and graphic novel
collections...
Mike: And Foot Lockers and stockbrokerages and
fluglehorn distributors...
> on Earth don't
> amount to more than a tiny head of one of the Creator's
> pins...
Tom: So God's got blackheads on his legs?
Mike: Tom?
Tom: Yes, Mike?
Mike: If you end up burning in hell for that one, I'll be
joining you, 'cause that was flippin' funny.
Tom: Thanks, Mike!
>
> An insignificant, pitiful, savage race, who is so arrogant
> it believes itself the center of the Universe,
Crow: You know, if the dead really *could* haunt the
living, lilac would get *such* a visit from Strunk
and White.
> with each
> ego in it a reflection of the larger insanity.
Tom: Ooh. Better enjoy it while you can, folks--the one
nearly poetic phrase in this whole stream of idiocy.
>
> That's why they believe us both comical and insane!
Crow: They're coming to take me away, ha ha!
> And
> why they are studying us, they are trying to find a way to
> preserve life in this ecosystem, before humanity destroys
> itself, hence
Mike: ...their desire to carve 50-foot designs into a
mountainside. Way to preserve our environment,
Orbs!
> the communication from them, the revelation
> of their existence. Of course, they don't believe many
> will believe they are real, they know that's human nature,
Tom: No, it's called common sense. You might want to try
some, lilac.
> but they do believe just enough will that it will have a
> lasting impact
Crow: Sorry, lilac. I'm purging this from my memory as
soon as possible.
> on human respect for life in the Universe
> and on this planet, enough that some people will continue
> to try to respect and preserve life here.
Mike: Oh, yeah. The existence of Peeping-Tom Orb Beings
is a *real* boost to our motivation.
>
> Which is why it really doesn't matter that
Crow [as lilac]: I'm spamming people by crossposting this.
I've got to find those few who will believe me!
> some idiots are
> detractors on this subject, because TEAM ORBS job is to
> BRING THE INFORMATION TO HUMANITY, not to sit in judgment
> of it,
Tom [as lilac]: Even though I just have by calling my
detractors idiots.
> nor to be sat in judgment of.
All: Too bad!
>
> Detractors don't judge us, the Orb beings are judging THEM.
Mike: Does Amnesty International know about this?
>
> Each bonafide Orb page and the orbsite.com are actually
> WINDOWS that can be seen both ways through...!! Now, that
> takes an advanced technology !!
Tom: Is he saying what I *think* he's saying?
Crow: I think so.
Tom: Lilac, listen carefully. "Windows" is the name of your
*operating system.* It's *not* supposed to be
taken literally!
>
>
> Forum: monterey.forsale
Crow: Monterey's for sale? Cool!
Mike: Sorry, Crow. My cards are all maxed out.
> Subject:INSTANT COLD ICE PACKS FOR SALE!!! HIGH VOLUME,
Mike: You got that right. Sheesh!
> LO
> PRICE!!
> Date: 1999/07/15
> Author: My Home <li...@home.com>
>
> 150,000 to 10,000,000 INSTANT COLD ICE PACKS FOR SALE.
Tom: Well, yes, ice generally is cold right away.
> 5"x10", 2 year shelf life,
Crow: Hey! I don't like preservatives in my ice packs!
> excellent
> quality, squeeze/get cold packs.
Mike [as Mr. Whipple]: Oh, please don't squeeze the ice
packs.
Tom: Mike, didn't you know he switched sides a few years
ago?
Mike: He did?
Tom: Yep.
Mike: Traitor.
> Printed just about any
> way you want them (put your logo on it for free?)
Crow: You tell us--you're the one sellin' 'em.
>
> The price range: $0.23 to $.36 per ice pack in the above
> quantities ONLY,
Tom: Wait, wait, wait! So you can only order them in
quantities of 150,000 or *10,000,000?!* Does he have
*any* idea how big a number that is? Or how big a
place you'd need to *store* them all?
Mike: Let's find out. Gypsy!
[Gypsy enters from left.]
Gypsy: Yeah?
Mike: If you had ten million ice bags, each measuring five
inches by ten inches by...oh, let's say one inch,
and you wanted to store them in a one-story, square
building, how long would the sides have to be?
Gypsy: 591.6 feet, Mike.
Mike: There ya go, Tom. Nearly as long as two football
fields.
Tom [shaking his head]: Un-be-*liev*-able.
> delivered just about anywhere in 40 foot
> container amounts.
Crow: And the containers he ships them in are forty feet
long?! Can he *possibly* come up with a more unwieldy
plan? And...hey, Gypsy. If each container was...
say...forty feet by five feet by two feet, how many
would be needed to ship ten million?
Gypsy: 8,750.
Crow: Heh. Use a small shipping company, and they'd probably
get their entire year's income from one order.
Tom: Thanks for your help, Gyps.
Gypsy: No prob. [She exits.]
>
> For serious buyers only, sorry...
Tom: Yeah, right. Any serious buyers would realize how
idiotic this is.
> These packs sell over
> the counter for $1.49, your chance to make BIG MONEY is
> here !!!
Crow: Yeah, if you're talking about Trianic Ningies.
> If you are a store chain or huge supplier,
Mike: No one's *that* huge, lilac.
> here's
> a way to save money AND make BIG MONEY...!!!
>
> Contact: 908-272-3330 (John)
Crow: These *posts* belong in the john.
>
> or email me back here!
Tom: So what did this have to do with Orbs?
Mike: Nothing. My guess is that the free trips and numerous
requests to buy Orb photos they were envisioning didn't
pan out.
>
> John
Crow: Thank you, John, for showing us the most *ridiculous*
sales and shipping plan in the history of business.
>
>
> Forum: alt.sex.aliens
Crow: All *right!*
Mike: Crow, you know there isn't going to be anything like
that in this post.
Crow: Fine. Just squelch my libido, why don't you?
Mike: You don't even *have* a libido!
Crow: And how would you know?
Mike: Ummm...
> Subject:AMAZING DISCOVERY OF ALIENS VISITORS
Tom: Friends are visiting from Jupiter.
> IN NJ VERIFIED
> BY INDEPENDENT EXPERTS
> Date: 1999/07/18
> Author: My Home <li...@home.com>
>
> *** AMAZING DISCOVERY OF ALIENS VISITORS IN NJ VERIFIED BY
> INDEPENDENT EXPERTS
All: Second verse, same as the first!
>
> *** Pentagon/DOD monitoring installation internally
> vandalized by aliens
Crow: Diarrhea is like internal vandalization by aliens...
> leaving a "high tech" message for the
> Department of Defense and the National Security Agency...
Tom: At the sound of the modem, please leave your high-tech
message...
>
> For Immediate Distribution - July 16, 1999
Mike: And even more immediate incineration.
> (N E W Y O R K C I T Y, N E W Y O R K)
> relevent website: http://www.orbsite.com
Crow: Our relevant website: http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k/
mistings.shtml
Mike: Thank you for that completely gratuitous plug.
Crow: No problem.
>
> When scientists at the American Science Foundation were
> asked by a local computer company executive
Tom: ...whose shirts they wear.
> to analyze
> claims by a study team that some form of extraterrestrial
> life was using a "doorway" system of highly resonant energy
> to
Crow: ...spice up the entrance to their Vegas casino.
> covertly study humanity, they at first were skeptical.
Mike: So were we when we first heard about it...and we've
yet to change our minds.
>
> After five months of analysis of the data,
Tom: Man, those scientists are slow--what is their deal?
Mike: Better watch it, Tom. You're close to precipitating
a fourth wall breech.
Tom: Whoops--sorry.
> the scientists
> asked to perform the analysis, are no longer skeptical.
Crow [as lilac]: They were completely convinced that we're
nuts.
>
> Studies of the so-called Vortex in Wanaque, NJ,
Tom: Now it's only a "so-called Vortex?" These people
*really* need to decide on some terminology.
> has
> authenticated that the "doorway system" exists, and that
> it provides an unknown species or several unknowns,
Mike: Solve for x.
> to
> travel reasonably without observation, all over the surface
> of our world.
Tom and Crow: All over the world!
>
> The study has been documented by a rapidly organized study
> team,
Crow: Study hall's in five minutes, guys. Get organized!
> which has captured stereo-optic and infra red images
Mike: ...with a tiger trap. They also tend to kill flies
with an elephant gun.
> of the beings using the "doorway" (called by the team "the
> Vortex") to enter our world,
Tom [with heavy echo]: Enter, Beeblebrox! Enter the Vortex!
> travel here observing us, and
> then leaving.
Mike: What, no shopping sprees at the West Edmonton Mall?
Tom: No Cubs games?
Crow: No bar crawls through New Orleans?
>
> The technology at use is extremely stealthy,
[All start humming the classic "sneaking around" music.]
> beyond
> anything in the US Pentagon's arsenal.
Tom: Fiji's Pentagon, however, has been using it for years.
> And it hasn't
> escaped the Pentagon's attention, either:
Crow: Yeah, just like Peter Lee and Aldrich Ames didn't
escape their attention.
> as the ASF Study
> Team (called TEAM ORB) observes the strange Vortex,
Mike [as Groucho]: Straaaange Vortex. Weeeeeird Vortex.
> and
> follows and films and catalogs the Orb-like evidence
Tom: So the evidences of the Orbs are also Orbs? This makes
no sense!
> of
> the alien species travels around our planet, the Pentagon
> is also watching.
Crow: They're watching "Where in the World is Carmen Orb?"
>
> A study team set up by the Department of Defense,
Tom: ...pulled an all-nighter at the library. Mid-terms,
you know.
> recently
> placed a permanent installation of observation and
> monitoring equipment jointly at the Vortex location,
Tom: Jointly with *what?*
Mike: I think he means they used their joints a lot. Maybe
there was a lot of cracking knuckles or something.
Crow: Or maybe they *smoked* a lot of joints. That would
explain a lot.
> to
> collect images of the strange comings and goings of the
> beings using the Orb Doorway System. After only two weeks,
Crow: ...I've lost ten pounds!
> the insides of the recording equipment were found to have
> been pluverized
Tom: Pluverized? It was rained on a lot?
Crow: Or maybe he meant ploverized, and it was attacked by
a flock of birds.
> by Pentagon experts watching the Vortex and
> watching the American Science Foundations' TEAM ORB,
Mike: So the Pentagon wrecked their own equipment?
Tom: Lilac simply does *not* know how to get his attributions
right!
> but the
> equipment was unopened,
Crow: Well, it *did* say "Do not open before X-mas."
> and the Pentagon is at a loss to
> determine how their equipment was damaged only on its
> insides without being opened.
Mike: Someone probably wished springs away again.
Crow [as Coily]: No springs! [whistles]
>
> "The Beings did it," said Team Orb members, "they were
> quite angry
Tom [as Marvin the Martian]: That makes me very angry...
[pants a bit] very angry indeed.
> that we inadvertantly caused the Pentagon and
> the NSA to bring in heavy equipment to study THEM,
Mike: Well, wouldn't you want to study giant ants?
> but now
> they seem to have gotten over it.
Tom [English accent]: I'm getting better.
> Apparently, the aliens
> went up to the Pentagon's equipment installation and
Crow: ...said, "Hi. I'm Ed Koch. How'm I doing?"
> used
> some form of technology on it, to leave a message for the
> Department of Defense and the National Security Agency.
Tom: They got too frustrated with the Department of Defense's
voice mail system.
Mike: If you'd like to request that we bomb someone, press 1.
If you'd like to spy for us, press 2. If you'd like
to spy *against* us, press 3...
> They are very much against war and intrigue, these beings!"
Tom: So, of course, they're studying us covertly.
Crow [as Glinn Gusat]: Makes sense.
>
> TEAM ORB has recently received numerous offers of funding
Mike [as lilac]: ...for our psychiatric care.
> by high tech firms interested in receiving the benefit of
Tom: ...aluminum siding.
> the scientific studies of the Vortex and the Beings who use
> the Orb Doorway System to observe and study humanity.
Crow: So *they* can observe and study humanity--especially
that supermodel living next door. Rrrowl!
>
> "If TEAM ORB can produce enough information about how the
> Vortex Doorway System works, imagine the benefits,"
Mike [singing]: Imagine all the benefits/ Spying on your
friends!
> stated
> George Gemmiel, an AT&T Executive who was one of the several
> parties interested in the device and expressed interest to
> TEAM ORB.
Crow: Suuuure he did.
Tom: Ever want to have aliens, government officials, and
company executives spy on you with alien technology?
You will...
> "I am keenly interested in the study,
Mike [as Gemmiel]: And by keen, I mean dull-knife-through-
frozen-butter keen.
> as we at
> AT&T were recently made aware of the Doorway, and have
> independently verified that the Orbs are real,
Tom: But really...can we consider *anything* as real?
> are under
> intelligent control, and appears to be a form of technology.
Crow: Well, yes, pictures produced by Photoshop are forms
of technology.
> But whatever controls it does not appear to like us
Tom: [in Droopy-type voice]: I don't like you.
> up
> there with our equipment, unlike how TEAM ORB is treated:
Crow: *Their* equipment is more than welcome. Heh heh.
> their team members are welcomed by these objects everytime
> they visit.
Crow: And Team ORB welcomes the objects!
Mike: All right, Crow. We got it.
> We hope to interest TEAM ORB in a technology
> exchange agreement."
Tom: If these aliens are so advanced, what the heck would
they want with *our* technology?
Mike: Give it up, Tom. There's no use applying logic to
this.
>
> TEAM ORB had recently offered to take the Orbs and the
> beings using them on "field trips" to
Mike: Disneyland?
Tom: The Mall of America?
Crow: Chippendales?
> NASA, the US
> Government, and the Vatican,
[All]: Ooooh.
> offers which as of yet have
> not been responded to.
Tom: Well, only if you don't count the restraining orders
as responses.
>
> The American Science Foundation team has been highly
> successful in standing off all debunkers,
Crow: Well, since bunkers tend to just sit there, I suppose
it would be easy to fend them off.
> by providing
> authentication of their film study method and by taking
> various members of the public to the Vortex
Tom: Take me to the Vortex. Throw me in the Doorway.
> where they are
> enabled to take their own photos of this remarkable find.
Mike [as lilac]: Of course, those members of the public
didn't actually *return* from the Vortex. But I can
assure you that these photos were taken by them!
>
> "Humanity may not be ready for this discovery,"
Crow: No, humanity's just ignoring you.
> stated a
> TEAM ORB lead investigator, Bryan Williams, who was one of
> the original discoverers of the Vortex Doorway System.
Tom: The new exercise system by NordicTrack!
> "But, apparently these beings, or whatever they are, are
> ready for Humanity.
Crow [as Austin Powers]: Yeah! Bring it on, baby! [normal]
Excuse me--I'll just go throw myself out the airlock
now.
Mike: No, it's all right. Just...don't ever do that again.
> I think we have no option but to open
> up a relationship with them and educate ourselves as to
> who they are and what they want."
Mike: And why they are here.
Tom: And where they are going.
Crow: And who they serve, and who they trust.
Mike [as he picks up Tom]: Guess we can add "Babylon 5" to
that list of interests.
>
> ----
>
Crow [as they leave the theater]: I give these posts four
minuses!
[Doors]
[SOL bridge. We can see nothing but fog. Finally, three
dark, vague shapes appear.]
Crow: Man, if people are going to foist their alien
theories on us, I wish they'd keep them consistent!
Tom: No kidding! First these Orbs are simple lens
reflections, then they can project images, then
they're some sort of mechanical device, then they're
the Beings themselves! And that meadow in New
Jersey--heck, I didn't even know there *were* any
there. And first it's the gathering point of the
Orbs, then it's a Vortex, then it's a Doorway for
the Beings! If they can get here themselves, what
the heck did they need the Orbs for?
Crow: Yeah, and what was the *deal* with the "shuttlecraft?"
Tom: Any ideas, Mike?
Mike: Sorry, guys, I'm in a fog.
Crow: Yeah, I know what you mean.
Mike: No, I mean it. I'm in a fog! What's going on?
Crow: Oh, is *that* what this is?
Tom: Well, Mike, fog forms when the air temperature and
the dewpoint are equal, then the air cools and
causes condensation--
Mike: I know all that. But where is it coming from up
here?
Crow: Probably from those monsoon rains in your room--oops.
Mike [sighing]: I'd better check it out. You guys keep an
eye out for the Mads' call.
Tom: Well, we'll *try.*
[Mike's shape slowly disappears. We hear him bump into
things and say "Ow!" a lot.]
Crow: Be careful!
[The Mads' list starts flashing. Crow starts stabbing at
it. After a moment, through sheer luck, he hits it.]
[Castle Forrester]
[Things look much the same as before...except no one is
standing in front of the blue-screen. Also, the light
on the camera in front of the blue-screen isn't on-
they're evidently not broadcasting anymore.]
Mrs. F.: So how was the post, Nel-steam? Where *are* you,
anyway?
[SOL]
Crow: Oh, it sucked as always. And Mike's here...he's
just...ahh...
Tom: He lost his voice. All this dampness, you know.
Crow: Yeah. Anyway, how's your weather scheme going?
[Castle]
Mrs. F.: Oh, these two imbeciles scuttled it. [She yanks
Bobo and Observer in from either side, fingers
firmly pinching their ears.]
Observer: Ow! Madam, I'll have you know that it was *not*
my fault! I was performing flawlessly, despite the
fact that I have evolved beyond the need to care
about the weather. It was that garrulous gorilla
that wrecked it with his impossible weather
scenarios!
Bobo: What did *I* do?
Observer: You *cannot* have flash floods in a blizzard!
Bobo: Says who? I saw it myself when I was a little
gorilla! The water flowing out of the lake and
over the rocks...the white flakes streaming away
from those plant stalks--
Observer: Those were dandelion seeds by a stream, you
dolt!
[Mrs. F. hauls hard on their ears and knocks their heads
together, ala Hercules or Xena. They both collapse,
with Observer helpfully providing a sound effect of
chirping birds as he does so.]
Mrs. F.: Anyway, you guys were right. Once people saw
that it was just the three of us providing weather
information, they stopped watching.
[SOL]
Crow: Told ya so. Never underestimate the power of
weather babes.
[Castle]
Mrs. F.: I *hate* it when you're right. You'll be
paying for it with your next post. I guarantee it!
[SOL]
[We hear Mike open the door to his room. We next hear the
voice of many waters rushing out, making Mike yell as
he is completely soaked.]
Tom: Assuming we live that long...
Crow [yelling]: Gypsy! Try to keep the fog going! [A
lumbering shape looms out of the fog.] Beat it, Tom!
[Both bots' shapes disappear as Mike's form tries to grab
one of them.]
Mike: I'll show you flash floods--come back!
[Mike's shape disappears into the fog.]
\ /
\ /
- - O - -
Fwoosh!
/ \
/ \
"Mystery Science Theater 3000" and related characters and
situations are trademarks of and copyrighted by Best
Brains, Inc. Posted material is by li...@home.com. All
rights reserved.
[Quick shot of the befogged SOL bridge.]
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for non-
commercial parody and commentary purposes only. No
infringement on such material is intended. Honest!
[Another shot of the SOL bridge. We see Crow's and
Tom's shapes backing slowly into one another. They
both yell and take off again.]
No personal insults are intended toward anything or
anyone. It's more a gentle reminder to lilac to send
his posts only to those who might be interested. Well,
maybe not quite so gentle this time.
[Yet another shot of the SOL bridge. Mike's shape stalks
slowly toward Cambot. Finally, he runs into the poor
bot, cutting off the transmission.]
This MiSTing copyright 1999 by Sarah Heiner. It may be
copied, reposted, or distributed, so long as it is not
altered.
> So, basically, as to your gripe: you're full of
> (censored)... Got it, dear?
---
Sarah "Bookworm" Heiner MSTie #53681
bookw...@my-deja.com Arizona State University
www.fortunecity.com/rivendell/elfin/521/index.html
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
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