REPOST MiSTing - "No Trick This Year" (1/1)

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Bill Livingston

Nov 1, 2005, 12:48:01 AM11/1/05
Season Nine Theme, etc.

[SATELLITE OF LOVE - The Bridge is empty. After a moment, Crow &
Servo enter]
CROW: Tom.
SERVO: Crow.

[Gypsy Enters]

CROW: Gypsy.
GYPSY: Crow.
SERVO: Gypsy.

[Now Mike enters]

MIKE: Tom.
SERVO: Mike.
MIKE: Crow.
CROW: Mike.
MIKE: Gyps.
GYSPY: Mike.

[Mads' Light flashes]

MIKE & THE BOTS: Magic Voice?
MV: Lights.
MIKE: Oh. [Mike hits the button]

[CASTLE FORRESTER - Pearl & the crew are gathered]
PEARL: Mike.
BOBO: Servo.

MIKE: Pearl.
CROW: Brain Guy.
SERVO: Bobo.

PEARL: Experiment.

MIKE: Now?


SERVO: Great!
CROW: Shoot!
GYPSY: Yikes!
MIKE: What?

PEARL: Pain.
OBSERVER: Torment.
BOBO: Candy.

CROW: Candy?
MIKE: Dunno.



PEARL: Enjoy!
BOBO: Ahhhhhhh.

SERVO: Ratliff.
CROW: Doomed.
MIKE: Candy?
[Lights flash]

[Chaos, doors, etc.]

[6] {5} (4) <3> |2| O

[All enter]

MIKE: Well, we zipped through that.
SERVO: Yeah, but considering what awaits us, I wonder what the
big rush was.

>From: (Stephen Ratliff)

CROW: Y'know, no matter how many times I see that one simple line,
it never fails to fill me with a gnawing existential dread.

>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative

CROW: Y'know, no matter how many times I see that one simple line,
it never fails to fill me with a gnawing existential dread.

>Subject: NEW TNG No Trick This Year 1/1 [G] (Marrissa Stories)
>Date: 31 Oct 1998 22:36:37 GMT
>Organization: Radford University

CROW: Y'know, no matter how many times I see that one simple line,
it never fails-
MIKE: Okay, Crow, we get it.

>Lines: 194

SERVO: Hey, it's a short one!
[All cheer]
CROW: That just means it's concentrated, though.
[All sigh]

>Message-ID: <71g3dl$>

SERVO: Sad to think they've got to write this on a check *every*
time this message goes to K-Mart.

>X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>Status: N
>Title: No Trick This Year

MIKE: The Hugh Grant story.

>Author: Stephen Ratliff (

ALL: Hi, Stephen

>Series: TNG Marrissa Stories,
>Parts: NEW 1/1
>Rating: [G]
>Codes: Halloween Challenge

MIKE: This must be a pro wrestling story.
CROW: Marrissa "The Body" Picard vs. Stone Cold Will Riker in a battle
to the finish!
CROW: [whispering] What does that mean, exactly?
SERVO: I dunno, but it sounds impressive.

>Summary: Marrissa and her friends discuss the tricks they've
>played on the Enterprise's command staff, before going out
>trick or treating this year

SERVO: Nice to know Trick Or Treat made it to the future.
CROW: Well, something has to support the candy industry in the
24th century.

>No Trick This Year.

MIKE: Silly Captain, Tricks are for kids!

>Marrissa and her friends

CROW: Bubba the Talking Bear, Barbie, a headless Ken and her
Furby collection...

> were gathered in the Picard quarters
>getting ready for trick or treating.

SERVO: Yes, it's Hell Night on the Enterprise, and Marrissa's
gonna make the most of it.

> Marrissa was going as
>Sailor Moon this year,

CROW: Ouch!
SERVO: Could be worse - she could be going as a Powerpuff Girl.
MIKE: It's pretty much the same thing, isn't it?
SERVO: Mike, try to keep up, okay?

> and based on the looks the Captain had
>given her when she had tried the custom

ALL: And tradition.

> on last week, he
>wasn't exactly approving the costume.

MIKE: [Picard] I thought I told you, Marrissa, *I* wanted to be
Sailor Moon this year!

> Marrissa thought it was
>the skirt that was the problem,

CROW: She shouldn't have made it out of his dress uniform.

> but it wasn't her fault that
>those old Japanese animators drew it that short, and he'd had
>time to object.

SERVO: Hey, I just realized - Marrissa *is* Princess of Space!
CROW: Lovely. That means the Enterprise should meet Krankhor's
chicken men any second now.

>Clara was going as Skuld, which Marrissa thought fit her

MIKE: I'd be inclined to agree, if I knew who or what "Skuld" was.

> Clara was doing some touch-up on her makeup

MIKE: While drinking Seven-Up.
CROW: And getting ready for her close-up.
SERVO: And hoping she wouldn't screw up.

> before
>the group departed. Jay had colored his hair black,

CROW: A little dab'll do ya, Jay.

> and was
>dressed as Shinji Ikari, complete with plug suit.

CROW: Complete with *what?!?*
SERVO: It's either an electrical appliance, or something illegal
in all 50 states.
MIKE: Possibly both.
CROW & SERVO: Ewwwwwwww!!!

> Alexander,
>who was only in his second year trick or treating,

SERVO: [Alexander] Please, let me stop now!

> had chosen
>to go with his strengths...

MIKE: Ah, he's going as not-a-warrior.

> He was dressed as a knight.

CROW: [English accent] Stand and deliver, Sir Klingon!

>Shayna, meanwhile, had chosen to go with the old stand-by, a

SERVO: Elizabeth Montgomery *is* Melissa Joan Hart *as* Shayna!
MIKE: Actually - I'd watch that.

>"I still think you should have chosen the fairy godmother
>costume, Shayna," Clara said from her post next to Marrissa's

CROW: [Marrissa] Never mind that now - just man your post!
SERVO: [Clara] Aye, captain! Make-up mirror at the ready -
lipstick tubes fully charged and armed!

>"I did that a couple of years back," Shayna said. "It didn't
>turn out well. Plus, I like doing an evil laugh."

MIKE: And since Marrissa does most of that, she doesn't get much
chance to let one go.

>"Please spare us,"

ALL: Amen!

> Jay said, adjusting his plug suit. "If I
>hear that laugh one more time, I'm going to go insane."

SERVO: In the membrane?

>"Then it's a good thing I didn't go with that Anime theme you
>three have going," Shayna said.

CROW: [Shayna] I mean, who'd believe a gun-toting, prepubescent
blonde as a, uh, heh, never mind!
SERVO: At least she doesn't have those huge eyes.
MIKE: You guys are actively trying to get us in trouble, aren't you?

> "I would have chosen the
>Black Rose, Kodachi Kuno."

MIKE: Who? What?
SERVO: It's an Anime thing, Mike.
MIKE: I hate stories where I don't know what's going on.
CROW & SERVO: Well...
MIKE: Don't say it!

>"Please don't remind me of that series," Jay remarked.

MIKE: Jay breaks out in hives at the mere mention of "Judge Judy".

>"What, you didn't enjoy being the object of affection for 3,
>no 4 girls," Alexander said,

SERVO: Elvis Presley *IS* Jay Alan Gordon in "Girls Girls Girls -
and, um, Girls".

> knowing that that particular
>holo-program had been one of much embarrassment for his

MIKE: Somehow, I get the feeling that just *being* Jay is one long,
unending string of embarrassment.

>"No I didn't enjoy being a sex changing guy with a insane fear
>of cats," Jay said.

CROW: [Jay] I mean, I *like* cats!

> "I don't know what made me say yes to
>being the title character.

MIKE: Other than having Marrissa threaten to drill him a new
navel if he didn't.

> So, Marrissa, what tricks are you
>planning on this year?"

SERVO: Marrissa will be turning tricks? Ewwww!
CROW: It's "Star Trek: The Red Light Generation".

>Smiling at the attempt at changing the subject, Marrissa said,
>"I'm not."

SERVO: [Marrissa] I haven't used up all my *old* tricks yet!

>"You aren't planning on doing something to the officers who
>don't give good candy this year," Jay accused, "Why not?"

MIKE: [Marrissa] I finally figured out - that's what I have
slavish minions like you for!

>"I'm an officer now, Jay," Marrissa said. "I could get in big

CROW: Heaven knows everyone *else* on board already is!

>"So the master of the Halloween trick won't be adding to her
>list of accomplishments," Shayna stated. "I guess that means
>I'll have to replace you, and I'll do a lot better job."

SERVO: Look out, it's a throwdown!
ALL: Slapfight! Slapfight! Slapfight!

>"I doubt it," Marrissa said. "I don't see how you could beat
>even my trick on Commander La Forge."

MIKE: She taped "Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place" over all
his old "Reading Rainbow" episodes.

>"Turning the view on his visor so right is left, that's
>child's play," Shayna said.

SERVO: Yeah, it's always fun to mess with people's visual
CROW: Still, it fits Marrissa's general lifestyle of providing
maximum pain to the widest possible audience!

>"Then top her trick on two years ago, Commander Riker,"

CROW: Now Riker's getting in on the act!
MIKE: It's wacky Halloween fun for the whole crew!

> Clara
>said. "Waking up with white hair in the morning sure had him
>freaking out."

SERVO: [singing] Super Will extraordinaire - Rikerzoid! Rikerzoid!

>"I know, Dad told me after last year." Alexander said. "But
>Dad said Riker joked about it later in a staff meeting."

CROW: [Alexander] Of course, he muttered a lot of stuff about
severed heads and defenestration, but Riker has a weird
sense of humor anyway.

>"Speaking of your father, how did he take last year's trick,"

MIKE: He played the Ace of Hearts over Data's King-high.

>Marrissa said. "I never heard about his reaction."
>"He was more mad at himself than anything else," Alexander

CROW: [Alexander] So he challenged himself to a knife fight.
And lost.

> "I mean, who else could he blame for the fact he sleeps
>so deep that someone was able to spray color his hair neon

CROW: It's Wacky Clown Worf!Š
SERVO: Wacky Rubber Clown Bat'leth sold separately!

>"I assume he has better candy than chocolate covered gagh this
>year," Marrissa stated.

MIKE: [Alexander] This year he has Caramellos.
CROW: Yuck! Tell him to go back to the gagh!

>"You know, there are only three members of the senior staff,
>we haven't got," Jay said.

MIKE: The rest are all tied up in the basement.

> "Troi, who has the best candy,

CROW: [Python] I bet she does, eh? Eh? Eh? Say no more!

> so
>we have no reason; the Doctor, who seems to have somehow been
>missed in our campaign;

SERVO: Well, she pretty much gets overlooked in the movies and
on the series, so it's understandable how that happened.

> and the Captain."
>"Who got Data?" Marrissa asked.

CROW: Who got game?
SERVO: Who got the hooch?
MIKE: Who got the action

>"I did last year," Clara said. "He gave me coconut
>chocolates, and I hate them, so I redid his lighting and
>environment controls.

SERVO: Geez!
CROW: What would've happened if he'd given her a Zagnut bar?
Would she've firebombed his quarters? Fried him with an
EM Pulse? Kidnapped his cat?
MIKE: Apparently, if you're assigned to the Enterprise, your best
bet for survival is to memorize what kind of sweeties
each Kid's Crew member likes.

> When he ordered the lights dimmed, he
>got a blizzard instead.

MIKE: Well, getting a tasty treat from Dairy Queen's not too bad.
SERVO: It's Scrumpdillyicious!

> Unfortunately, the feedback wasn't

CROW: Jimi Henrix just didn't dig it.

> He just commented that it was an unusual way to reduce

CROW: Just before he froze solid and broke into a million pieces.
SERVO: Yeah, just like our hero, the T-1000. *sniff*

>"We'll never have a reason to get Counselor Troi,

MIKE: Yes, Jay, just admit to yourself you'll never get to
"get" Troi, and move on with your life.

> and we're
>too afraid to get the Captain," Jay said.

SERVO: No one gets the captain - he's the wind, baby!

> "But I bet that
>whoever gets Doctor Crusher will beat all of our past

CROW: [Jay] I bet we can physically deform her!

>"You're on, Jay," Shayna said. "I'll pull a trick on the
>Doctor so good, that it will make all previous tricks by
>Marrissa look like child's play."

SERVO: Hey, Chuckie's joining the Kids' Crew.
CROW: It's fitting.

>"We'll see," Marrissa stated.
>Doctor Crusher knew that she shouldn't have given out the
>candy apples.

MIKE: Because soon, the apple gnomes would be back!

> Not only would they increase the Enterprise
>Dental staff's work, they weren't exactly the favorites of the
>children of the Enterprise.

CROW: If no one ever eats them, why would they increase the dental
staff's work?
MIKE: Beverly overcooks them - people keep whapping each other in
the teeth with them and breaking incisors.

> But she had thought she was safe.
>After all, Marrissa couldn't afford to play a joke,

SERVO: Tell me about it - have you *seen* the price of fake
upchuck these days?!?

> now that
>she was an Ensign. However, she'd obviously forgotten about
>Marrissa's friends.

CROW: [Gangster] Hiya, Doc! We're Marrissa's "friends". We wanna
have a little talk wit' ya about dem apples, heh heh heh!

> The evidence was right on the tip of her
>nose in the form of a rather large wort.

CROW: Geez, I was only *kidding* about physically deforming her!
MIKE: Wait, I think she just has a large medicinal herb growing
on her nose.

> Oh well, she was a

SERVO: Just in case you haven't been paying attention the last
decade or so.

> it wouldn't take long for her to fix. Now where was
>that medical kit... she was sure it was in her quarters

MIKE: Of course, it should've been in sickbay, but when you're CMO,
you can store stuff wherever the heck you feel like it.

>"Do you concede that I beat your tricks, Marrissa?" Shayna
>asked, as the group met up the next day.

CROW: "Never!" Marrissa cried as she broke Shayna's chokehold
and pinned her with her knee.

> Doctor Crusher had
>been unable to find the necessary medical tools in her
>quarters, and everyone had heard of the Doctor's wort.

MIKE: So somehow they infected her with either a facial blemish
or holistic healing herbs, then managed to locate and
heist her personal medical kit.
CROW: Boy, these kids make Shining Path and the IRA look like
a beach party!
SERVO: *Never* come between the Marrissa-nistas and their candy!

>"No I don't," Marrissa said. "You see after I got back from
>trick or treating, I had a talk with Dad about why he allows
>trick or treating."

SERVO: Turned out he owns stock in Hershey's. Go figure.

>"Why does he?" Jay asked. "I know it's become a tradition,
>but rumor is, he started it."

CROW: [Marrissa] Yeah, but *I'm* gonna finish it!

>"And he still gives the worst candy," Clara said. "We really
>should have gotten him."

MIKE: [Jay] Can't. He's surrounded his cabin with a security
detachment, all armed with pulsed phaser rifles!
SERVO: [Clara] So what?!? *We've* got Marrissa!
MIKE: Oh, yeah.

>"So you don't like peanut butter cups," Jay said.

CROW: How can you screw up a peanut butter cup?
SERVO: Knowing Picard, it probably comes wrapped in a five-
page lecture about the Prime Directive.

> "And neither
>of you have seen what Marrissa did to her poor father last
>"I have, and boy did Marrissa do a good job," Alexander said.

SERVO: [Alexander] She didn't leave any blood on the walls!

>"So what did you do to the Captain?" Clara asked.

CROW: Let's just say he can now legally change his name to
*Jeanne-Marie* Picard!

>"Well, I asked him about trick or treating," Marrissa began.
>"It turns out that he use to be a master trickster, when he
>was young,

MIKE: Jean-Luc Picard *IS* Master Trickster!
SERVO: [a la Jon Lovitz's Master Thespian] PRCATICAL JOKING!!!

> although I had thought that the custom was an
>American one, as opposed to French.

CROW: Like that's ever stopped Star Trek before!
SERVO: Yet more proof that the Federation is just 1950's Middle
America writ large.

> So when the Counselor
>suggested a couple years back that the Command Staff needed to
>relax a little more,

SERVO: He screamed, "I AM RELAXED!!!". Then he pistol-whipped her.

> he decided to start the Halloween
>tradition on the Enterprise.

CROW: Which may explain why 80% of Hydroponics is set aside for
growing pumpkins.

> He set it up, then called in


> and gave him a quick course on tricking, and set him
>lose on Commander Riker."

CROW: So Picard is really Loki the trickster god?
MIKE: Pretty much, yeah.

>"That was the year that Riker woke up without any hair, wasn't
>it?" Jay said.

SERVO: He said "Beware," and went on a tear! I say, "No Fair!"

>"Exactly," Marrissa said. "Apparently, Dad thought that it
>was cosmically unjust that his first officer had more hair on
>his chin than he had on his whole head.

MIKE: [Dully] Ha ha. The irony. Stop it. Please. No more.
SERVO: Hey, Ratliff's plagiarizing! That's a quote from one of
the Pocket Book novels!
CROW: How would you know, Tom?
SERVO: Um, ya see, heheheh...
MIKE & CROW: Fanbot! Fanbot!

> Well this morning, he
>doesn't have that problem. He woke up to discover his hair
>growing uncontrollably."

MIKE: [Picard] Minoxidil, Earl Gray, Hot.

>"The Captain looks like a regular werewolf, this morning,"

CROW: [Girl from "Wirrwolf"] He's obzoludely fazzinahding.
SERVO: If Crusher wakes up the next day as a werewolf, I quit!

>Alexander laughed. "All he lacks are the claws."
>"That would have been going too far," Marrissa said.

[All laugh]
CROW: Look who's talking about going too far!
SERVO: Well, she should know!
MIKE: Thank you, Stephen, for making us laugh at cruel
Halloween tricks - again.

>Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
> Radford, Virginia 24142-7496

MIKE: Virginia! Home to such giants as Washington! Jefferson! Lee!
Wilson! And now, Ratliff!

>'s polite target. Marrissa Stories Author
> FAQ Maintainer for ASC.

CROW: So he does the F-A-Q for A-S-C?
MIKE: Yeah, and it gets done ASAP.
CROW: Even while he watches ER?
SERVO: It's because he's at RU, not UCLA.
MIKE: But since he's so close to DC, it's only on the QT.
SERVO: And that's A-OK.

> Index Maintainer too.
>also at:

CROW: What's "nu"
SERVO: Not much, what's nu with you?
MIKE: The "nu" sketch, ladies and gentlemen.

>"Put down the pencil. Put down the pencil, Mr. Russell."

MIKE: [Singing] Put down the pencil, put down the pencil,
put down the pencil, Rus, Rus!

> -- Dr. Wychoff, DS9's Shadows and Symbols

SERVO: And Salad and Shortbread and Sump Pumps and Sheffield and...
CROW: Well, this was a short one!
MIKE: But it bit every step of the way.
SERVO: Yeah, let's leave.

[All leave]

O |2| <3> (4) {5} [6]

[SOL - Mike & Crow are on the bridge. A door has been set
up off to the side, and a bowl of candy is sitting on the

CROW: So, Mike, is it really acceptable practice to torment people
who give you crappy candy on Halloween?
MIKE: Well, it usually just consists of things like soaping car
windows, or TPing someone's lawn.
CROW: I'd say by the 24th Century, things have gotten a little bit
more serious.

[A doorbell sounds]

MIKE: I'll get it.

[Mike opens the door to reveal Servo, with a rubber Nixon mask pulled
over his bubble dome]

SERVO: Trick or Treat!
MIKE: Aw, how cute. [reaches over to the bowl] Here ya go, kid,
have a pack of Butterfinger BB's.
SERVO: Wow! Thanks, mister! [wanders off. Mike closes the door]
CROW: Anyway, it's one thing to fill someone's mailbox with shaving
cream. But Marrissa's little band of thugs are breaking
into people's cabins, conducting germ warfare, even tampering
with the environment!

[Doorbell sounds again]

MIKE: I'll get it.

[Mike opens the door to reveal Servo, with a rubber Clinton mask pulled
over his bubble dome]

SERVO: Trick or Treat!
MIKE: Pretty neat costume. [reaches over to the bowl] Here, have
a 3 Musketeers bar.
SERVO: Hey, great, I love those! [wanders off. Mike closes the door]
MIKE: Cute kid. But I know what you mean, Crow. It's like the CIA
was run by Dennis the Menace.
CROW: Exactly!
MIKE: Oh, hey, do you wanna...
CROW: You mean now?
MIKE: Why not?
CROW: Sure. *ahem* To join the MiSTing Authors Dibs List, send an
e-mail to with the message
"subscribe dibslist [<your name>]" in the message body.
Read the FAQ, don't work blue, and remember to distribute
yummy candy on October 31st.

[Doorbell sounds again]

MIKE: I'll get it.

[Mike opens the door to reveal Servo, with a cardboard Mike mask taped to
his bubble dome]

SERVO: Trick or Treat!
CROW: Boy, that's a scary mask!
MIKE: Yeah, I'm pretty frightened. [reaches over to the bowl] Here,
have a box of raisins.

[long pause]

SERVO: A box of raisins? A BOX OF RAISINS?!?!?!? Don't you know I HATE
RAISINS!!! [There's a clanking sound, and a rather large
bore cannon begins extending from Tom's torso] That does
it!! No more Mr. Nice Bot!!! I want every last Almond Joy,
every bag of Reese's Pieces, every last stinking Mr. Goodbar
you got in the house!!! Capice?!? [Mads light begins to flash]
CROW: They're cute when they pout, aren't they?
MIKE: Adorable. [Taps button]

[CF - Pearl is alone]
PEARL: Well, Nell's Bell's, I hope you enjoyed your little minidose
of Mr. Stephen today. It's probably the shortest piece of
his you'll ever get, so revel in it.
OBSERVER: [OS] I'm not coming out!
PEARL: [yelling] Yes you are! [normal] Anyway, I figure since most
folks can't tell what day it is without checking their
digital watches a dozen times a day, I'd send these little
rugrats out and cash in on this "Trick or Treat" crapola.
[Yells offscreen again] BRAIN GUY!!! Get your pasty white
hinder out here!

[Observer trudges out wearing a gold TOS-era Star Trek uniform under
his usual cape and cowl]

OBSERVER: I feel like ten kinds of fool!
PEARL: Ah, don't worry, you only look like five different kinds. Now
remember, I get all the Crunch bars, you get the Clark bars,
Bobo gets those horrible peanuty things, everything else
we sell on the black market.
OBSERVER: But can't I at least wear a uniform from Deep Space Nine,
or something a bit more dignified?
PEARL: You're lucky I didn't make you wear the red shirt! BOBO!!!!
Get that King Kong outfit on and get out here!
BOBO: [OS] It didn't fit, lawgiver! But I've got something else.
PEARL: What?

[Bobo bounds out wearing a fuku and a blond ponytail wig]


[Pearl and Brain Guy yell unintelligibly and flee the room. Bobo
begins spinning blissfully as we fade out. After the screen goes
black, we hear a cacophonous clatter]

BOBO: [over fadeout] Ow! Who put that wall there?
MiSTING BY: Bill Livingston
ASPIRIN by: Bayer
BODY BY: Fisher
THANKS: to MiSTies, MuSTies, the teachers of America, the SciFi Channel,
the Future Catfish Farmers of America, and that one guy that
did that one thing.

"Star Trek: The Next Generation" and all related characters and situations
are trademarks of and (c) Viacom. All rights reserved. Headin' out to
Eden - yea brothers!

"Mystery Science Theater 3000" trademark of and (c) Best Brains, Inc.
All rights reserved. Home of the Dog's Meat!

Stephen Ratliff is (c) Mr. & Mrs. Ratliff and Radford University. All
rights reserved. Mr. Ratliff is now available for CS Majoring jobs,
tech writing, and bar mitzvahs. Inquire within.

Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes
only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by
others is intended or should be inferred.

No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or
should be implied. All characters in this work are fictional, and any
resemblance to actual people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Don't even think that. So just stop it! Right this instant!


Keep circulating the posts.
>"Please spare us,"


"If you're dumb, surround yourself with smart people. And if you're smart,
surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you."
Isaac Jaffee (Robert Guillaume), "Sports Night"

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