In the not too distant future
Next Sunday A.D.
There was a guy named Joel,
Not too different from you or me.
He worked at Gizmonic Institute,
Just another face in a red jumpsuit.
He did a good job cleaning up the place,
But his bosses didn't like him
So they shot him into space.
We'll send him cheesy movies,
The worst we can find (la-la-la).
He'll have to sit and watch them all,
And we'll monitor his mind (la-la-la).
Now keep in mind Joel can't control
Where the movies begin or end (la-la-la)
Because he used those special parts
To make his robot friends.
Robot Roll Call: (All right, let's go!)
Cambot! (Pan left!)
Gypsy! (Hi, girl!)
Tom Servo! (What a cool guy!)
Croooow! (He's a wisecracker.)
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes
and other science facts (la-la-la),
Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a show,
I should really just relax."
For Mystery Science Theater 3000!
[Door 6: A black knight who stands in the way. He is cut in half]
[Door 5: Gandalf, who stands in the way. He is scooped up by a demonic
[Door 4: It's a door that opens both ways diagonally]
[Door 3: A beaded rice curtain]
[Door 2: It's a door that opens sideways]
[Door 1: It's a bulkhead door that opens]
[Satellite of Love]
JOEL: Hey, I'm Joel Robinson, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. We
finally got a computer here, and the bots love it.
TOM SERVO: HAHA! Look, Joel, I'm mindlessly writing on the screen!
CROW: Is XOSD really a laughing matter?
TOM SERVO: Of course it is! (Writes "Lolz I pwnt j00 n00b" on the
screen. Crow cracks up.)
(Mads light flashes)
JOEL: Quiet down now, Linus Torvalds and Richard Stallman are calling.
Dr. Forrester: Ah, Joel. Finally got a computer, did you? (Joel nods)
Linux? Distasteful system. Works too well. Anyway,
let's see your invention exchange.
[Satellite of Love]
JOEL: Okay. One Famous Person Generator coming up. (Pulls out blank
cardboard cutout) Pull a tab on its back, and it changes
into a certain person. Poke it on the shoulder and it speaks. Crow?
(Crow pulls tab on its hip with his beak. Cutout changes into Ozzy
Osbourne. Joel pokes it on the shoulder)
OZZY: What the fuck do you fucking want, you fucker?
TOM SERVO: Wow...even sounds like him.
DR. FORRESTER: Well, my therapist told me not to do these exchanges.
It wears me out. So...anyway, in honor of your using
Linux, here's a little piece called "I'm ready to switch to Windows
[Movie sign flashes, general panic ensues, etc.]
ALL: WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIGN!!!!
>Suddenly I don't have to enter source code in an outdated editor and compile the code to make things works.
TOM SERVO: You're kidding! Windows can make C/C++ work without
CROW [under his breath]: C nerd.
>I just point and click, if something goes wrong, I just read the instructions on the screen.
JOEL: Point...click. Point...click. Point...click. Wow. I'm bored.
>There's something weird. I have some exotic hardware, but it is finding and installing the drivers automatically. They are
even configured at the same time.
JOEL: Whoooa, oooh, ooooh, it's magic!
CROW/TOM: La la la la la....
JOEL: You know...
CROW/TOM: Never believe it's not so.
>Ok, the OS is in installed, let's see, what can I do now? Install some software?
CROW: No duh.
TOM SERVO: Isn't that kind of a given?
>Btw, till now, I'm satisfied with the usability.
I'm checking the internet and I'm amazed by the amazing amount of
titles that's available. I can even play games. Go figure!
TOM SERVO: I play games too.
CROW: Even Deus Ex?
CROW: No kidding!
>The fun part is that I don't have to add code to get it working. It is working! Even with my exotic hardware.
CROW [Caveman]: Huhuhuhuh. Me no like code.
JOEL: Did Eegah ever speak?
>I notice some differences between the past and now.
TOM SERVO: I've always heard things changed over time, but never
believed it until now.
>In the past I discovered sometimes nice software that was and looked promising.
But once installed I noticed that the software was not finished, that
the needed and promised features were not there. With a
smile I called that kind of tools, promisware.
TOM SERVO: And you say I'm a nerd.
>On Windows it's different. Everything is there. And if it isn't the case, they will add it to the next version. And they
really do it. They don't moan about '[I]no time or changing moods and
interests'[/I]. They just do it! What a dream!
JOEL [Mystic]: It was all a dream. All a dream. Alllll aaaa
[Satellite of Love]
JOEL [high voice]: I love Windows...it's so pretty!!!
(Tom comes in with fake beard)
TOM SERVO: It's no match for LINUX!
JOEL: Promisware user!
TOM SERVO: Loser user!
CROW: Great. See what you've done, Dr. Forrester!
(Gypsy comes in and seems Joel and Tom arguing)
GYPSY: Richard Basehart.
GYPSY: I mean...Stop it! Stop it this instant!
JOEL: Relax, Gypsy, we were just doing parody.
GYPSY: Richard Basehart would never stand for this.
(A loud argument starts with everyone talking over each other.
Unbeknownst to them, Dr. Forrester is watching all this from
DR. FORRESTER: I think you've found it, Clayton. (Laughs) Now, to send
them the last piece.
>Sorry guys but I'll never return from where I came.
CROW: Your mother's womb?
TOM SERVO: I'm starting to wish he did.
>As a nice sidekick:
JOEL: Nahhh. Marvel, Jr.?
>my social life is changing as well.
In the past all my friends were nerdy ugly nerds
JOEL: Nerdy ugly nerds?
CROW: Laying it on a little thick isn't he?
>that stay in single modus for ages.
CROW: Modus ponens? Modus tollens?
TOM SERVO: Modus operandi?
JOEL: Modus vivendi?
>Nobody was interested in me. They pointed at me like I was some f*cking Trekkie. Ok, my own fault I used an obscure OS.
TOM SERVO: I'm glad I have my dynamic MIGHTY VOICE!
>But now, my friends are all beautiful women.
CROW: Does Gypsy count?
>I have even sex with them. Eat your heart out, nerds!
CROW [beautiful women]: Ohhh, yesss, give it to me, you big bearded
former Linux user!
JOEL/TOM SERVO: CROW!
[Satellite of Love]
JOEL: Well, that was bad.
CROW: Not as bad as Monster-A-Go-Go
TOM SERVO: Or...
CROW: Don't say it...don't say it...
TOM SERVO: Manos: The Hands of Fate!
CROW/TOM SERVO: AAAAHHH! (Jump into each other's arms)
JOEL [Humphrey Bogart]: We're all old soldiers, we'll survive this.
DR. FORRESTER: My work here is done. Push the button, Frank.
FRANK: Got it, Steve. (Pushes button as credits roll)