[MiSTing] The Adventures of Mighty Mulder and Super Scully (Part 1)

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Aug 24, 1998, 3:00:00 AM8/24/98
[MiSTing] The Adventures of Mighty Mulder and Super Scully

[MiSTing] by Stephen Doe (DoeBo...@aol.com)
Original Story by Ailie McFarland

[Well this is my first time doing a MiSTing so it might be a little rough
around the edges. I just read so may that I thought that I should try it once.
I hope that you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.]

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and
situations are trademarks of and (c) 1998 by Best Brains, Inc.
All rights reserved.

This MiSTing contains a bad word or two. Reader discretion is advised.

{Season 9 theme}

[1...2...3...4...5...6...Dog Bone*]


(Crow and Tom and are staring at each other while Gypsy watches, then Mike

Mike: Hi everyone! Mike Nelson here on the Satellite of love(Gestures towards
the 'bots) and these are my friends Tom, Crow and Gypsy. (Looks at the
'bots)Hey guys what are you up too?
Crow: (Without looking away from Tom)We're having a staring contest.
Tom: (Without looking away from Crow)Yeah, Crow for some strange reason
believes that he can out stare me.
Mike: What are you doing Gypsy?
Gypsy: I'm referee.
Mike: (To Gypsy)Why aren't you in the contest?
Tom: (Still looking at Crow)Cause she only has one eye and we don't believe
that it's fair to have the contest with her.
Mike: Um....Tom, you don't have *any* eyes.

(Both break concentration at the same time and look at Mike)

Crow: Oh great Mike just go and ruin our fun! While your at it why don't you
go and tell Servo that there's no such thing as Santa Claus!
Tom: Yeah Mike, why don't you? Wait there's no Santa?
Mike: Sorry guys. I didn't know.

(Commercial light starts to blink)

Mike: We'll be right back.
Tom: (Sobbing)There is a Santa Claus, isn't there Mike?
Mike: Yeah Tom, there is.

(Fade out, lots of stupid commercials and then we fade back onto the Satellite)

Crow: I'm just saying that you didn't have to ruin our fun Mike.
Tom: Yeah if we were meant to know that Tom didn't have eyes to stare into,
then we would have found out by ourselves.
Mike: Well I was just trying to help.

(Light starts to blink)

Mike: Oh look, Pearl's calling.

(Hits button and we see Pearl. Bobo and Brain Guy are off to the side watching
[Castle Forrester]

Pearl: Hello Smellson and robots. There's another "Happy Days" marathon on
"Nick at Night" and Brain Guy just loves the Fonz so we have to watch it.
Brain Guy: (Sitting in chair looking at the screen, laughing and then puts up
his thumb)Aay!!
Pearl: See what I mean?

(Bobo gets up and comes next to Pearl)

Bobo: Greetings guys! I noticed that you were having a staring contest. I
was the regional champion when I was in high school. I once stared at somebody
for three days. At the end it was a draw because we both passed out at the
end. There was also the one time when I was so nervous that I released.....
Pearl: (Glares at him causing him to look down)Well that's nice and all Bobo
but I was about to send them their fan fic.


Tom: (Laughing)Yeah Pearl you better give us our fan fic. You don't want Bobo
to get hurt in a staring contest.
Crow: (Laughing)Yeah we'll just leave staring to the professionals.
Tom: (Laughing even harder)Yeah little monkey boy you can't handle Crow
Crow: (Still laughing)Yeah. (Stops)What!?!

[Castle Forrester]

Bobo: Oh yeah! Well, Crow, I accept your challenge to a staring contest.
(Whispers to Pearl)Um lawgiver, which one is Crow?
Pearl: The gold one you idiot.
Bobo: Oh.
Pearl: Well there you have it. Now your fan fic today is going to be "The
Adventures of Mighty Mulder and Super Scully". It's about a bunch of gay FBI
agents, in gay costumes fighting a bunch of gay bad guys. Enjoy.

(Lights start to go crazy)

Crow: Wait, I don't want to have a staring contest with Bobo.
Tom: Too late Crow, we have fan fic sign!!!
Mike: Lets go guys!!!

(They all run like hell)

[Dog Bone...6...5...4....3...2...1*]

(The three of them enter the theater and take their seats)

Crow: I can't believe you did that Tom.
Tom: Don't worry Crow, it's gonna be fun. Just wait and see.
Crow: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mike: Shhh you guys it's about to start.

>To: vl...@alphalink.com.au
>Cc: ai...@juno.com
>Date: Tue, 12 Aug 1997 12:25:27 -0400

Tom: Submission for your approval.

>X-Mailer: Juno 1.38
>From: ai...@juno.com (Ailie S McFarland)

Crow: Of the clan McFarland.
Mike: There can be only one.

>Quite some time ago, some of my friends and I were discussing our
>favorite TV show (the X-Files)

Tom: They should start discussing "The Real World".
Crow: Yeah, maybe they'll try to imitate it.

>and the most annoying show on the

Mike: "Friends"?
Tom: No, no "Voyager"!
Crow: I'm going to have to say "Saved by the Bell".

>(Power Rangers).

Mike: Oh, I can see how you reached that conclusion.

>This is the script that eventually evolved
>from this conversation.

Tom: Anything evolving from a chat about the "Power Rangers" *cannot* be good.

>This might be extremely funny,

Crow: I doubt that.

>it might be
>really stupid, or both.

Mike: I'm going for stupid. You guys?
Tom: I agree.
Crow: I concur his agreement.

>Whatever you think, I would love to have
>feedback on it!

Mike: Oh this person is just asking for it now.

>I would like to give credit to Deb Copenhaver, who helped me come up
>with the original concept.

Tom: Is that suppose to be a good thing?

>Some of the humor in this script is found in making fun of the area in
>which I live, Lancaster County PA. I hope the humor is not lost on
>people who have never been here.

Crow: Oh good idea. Make a story that only people who live in *your* town can
understand. Brilliant!

>LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO - The following story uses characters created by
>Chris Carter. I do not mean to harm anyone by using these characters,

Mike: Yes, only my story shall do the harm.

>and anyone who thinks I actually could needs a slight reality

Tom: Yes I think you could needs a good reality re-alignment. I just love
Mike: I think that this person could use a spellchecker.


Crow: The title says it all folks!

>By Ailie McFarland

Tom: Hey Mike, why don't I have an e-mail address?
Mike: Well first of all you don't have a computer.
Tom: Damn! Foiled again by you, Nelson.

>SCENE 1 (An Amish Farm. Chakie (a young amish boy) and Papa are
>standing in front of a barn. Both speak with thick Pennsylvania-Dutch

Crow: Who the hell ever heard of Pennsylvania-Dutch
accents? Thick even.
Mike: I guess whoever wrote this Fan Fic.

>PAPA: Chakie!
>CHAKIE: Ya Papa?

Mike: (Starts to chuckle)

>PAPA: Go unt feet da horses.

Tom: Huh? Feet the horses?
Crow: The scary part is that that isn't a typo.

>CHAKIE: Ya Papa. (Chakie walks away from the barn towards the horse

Crow: (As Chakie muttering under his breath) Why the hell do I have to feed the
horses? Why don't you go and feed the damn horses sometime?

>Papa goes inside the barn) Gott, I hate feetin da horses.
>(Suddenly, there is a bright flash of light. Chakie falls to his

Crow: Chakie on his knees with horses, this cannot be good.

>Oh my Gott! (Switch to Papa, inside the barn, milking a cow.

Mike: If this cow milking scene is any factor, then this Fan Fic should be
really action packed.

>hearing the commotion, he looks up)
>PAPA: Chakie! (He runs out of the barn to Chakie, who is still
>kneeling) Vat happened?

Tom: (As a whining Chakie)I wet myself.

>CHAKIE: It vas Gott! It vas Gott! He heard me take his name in vain!
>NARRATOR: This looks like a job for ...

All: Ghostbusters!

>CHAKIE: Vas dat Gott?

Crow: No God talks with a Brooklyn-Dutch accent.

>PAPA: No. Dat vas da narrator.
>NARRATOR: Mighty Mulder and Super Scully! (Superhero Music. Mighty
>Mulder and Super Scully are flying through the air.

Mike: I imagine them flying though the air with the ease of Tony from "Puma
Crow: I'm trying not to imagine them at all.

>Both wear green
>spandex suits with a black X emblazoned on the front and trailing
>yellow capes.)

Tom: (Starts to giggle)This is so queer.

>SCULLY: How is it that we're flying, Mulder? This defies all logic!

Crow: So does this story but you don't see me complaining.

>MULDER: How many times have we been over this, Scully? Just relax and
>enjoy the ride!

All: Whoa!!!!
Mike: Suddenly I like this story.

>(Mulder and Scully set down at the farm in front of
>Chakie and Papa)

Tom: (Chanting) We're here, we're queer and we're here to save the day!

>CHAKIE: Who are ye?

Crow: (As Mulder)I'm an idiot.

>MULDER: I'm Mighty Mulder, and this is my partner Super Scully. We're
>here to help.

Mike: I'll believe that when I see it.

>CHAKIE: (To Scully) Are you his side kick?
>SCULLY: No. The fact that I am a woman does not automatically make me
>inferior to my *partner*.

Tom: Oh, so you're his bitch.

>I am not a decoration.

Crow: If you say so, baby.

>I'm here to help,
>just like he is.

Mike: You didn't have to get so anal about it.

>Now, can you tell us exactly what happened?
>CHAKIE: I vas going to feet da horses, and dere vas dis bright light
>in da sky. It vas Gott!

Tom: Yeah God is always making bright flashes when I go and feed my horses.

>MULDER: You saw a bright light?

Crow: Yeah that is what he said.
Mike: Our boy Mulder is as sharp as a wet turd.

>Did you see anything else?

Tom: Yeah, I saw you two fags flying though the air.

>CHAKIE: No. I averted my eyes.
>SCULLY: I know what you're thinking, Mulder. And I'm sure there's a ...

Crow: Yes! It's time for some more Scully speak.
Mike: In existence since 1993.

>MULDER: What, Scully? A rational explanation? Look around you? There's
>no electricity for miles! What is there that could possibly create
>such an intense light?

Tom: Um...lightning?

>(To Papa) And where were you when this was
>going on?
>PAPA: Da barn.

Crow: With Da bears?

>SCULLY: Can you take us there? (Papa nods. The foursome

Tom: The foursome!?! This story may not be that bad after all.

>walk over to
>the barn, and Papa opens the door. Suddenly, 20 men clad in black
>spandex appear out of nowhere!)

Mike: Ack!

>MULDER: MIB! (A fierce battle begins.

Crow: (singing)Well everybody was queer and fighting! Those fags moved fast
as lightning!

>Mulder and Scully use all of
>their special FBI/Ninja moves, but they are hopelessly outnumbered.

Mike: Isn't that always the case?

>The battle ends with Mulder and Scully captured, with their hands
>cuffed behind their

Crow: (As Scully)Wholly toilet bowl Mulder are we in some shit!
Tom: (In deep announcer-like voice)Will or heroes find a way to escape? Does
anyone care?

>The MIB lead our heros towards a large black super jet.

Mike: The plane! The plane!

>MIB 1: Into the plane!
>MULDER: I don't suppose that I'll get frequent flier miles for this ...

Tom: (As MIB man)You certainly will not.

>MIB 1: Shut up!
>MULDER: (Whispered) Scully! Do you think you can reach my utility

Crow: (As Scully)Mulder there is a time and a place for everything.

>SCULLY: I think so.
>MULDER: There's a small dial on the far right. Turn it all the way to
>the right.

Mike: It makes me feel all tingly.

>SCULLY: Mulder, what ...

Tom: The hell just popped out of your pants!?

>MULDER: Just do it!

Crow: When did Mulder become the spokesperson for Nike?

>(Scully turns the dail. Immediately we hear a
>rumble in the distance)
>MIB 1: What's that?

Mike: Sex?
Tom: Like you would know Mike.
Mike: Hey!

>MIB 2: Sounds like "Speedos!"

Crow: Since when do Speedo's make noise?

>(The MIB are engulfed by a large horde
>of women, screaming "Speedos!"

Mike: When I wear Speedo's the women usually have the opposite reaction.

>at the top of their lungs. Amidst the
>confusion, Mulder and Scully escape)

Tom: Some heroes.
Crow: Yeah, anybody can run way from trouble in a dorky costume.

>SCULLY: Mulder? What was that?

Mike: And why was it so small?

>MULDER: That dial controls my Charm and Sex Appeal. Let's get back to
>the command center.

Tom: (As Mulder)Yeah, I'm scared.

(All get up and leave)

[1...2...3...4...5...6...Dog bone*]
(Mike enters and finds that he is all alone)

Mike: Hello? Hello? Anyone?

(Up pops Crow and Tom dressed as Mighty Mulder and Super Scully)

Crow: Stop right there, evil doer!
Tom: State your name!
Mike: Guys, what are you doing in those silly costumes?
Crow: See Tom, I told you it wouldn't work.
Mike: What wouldn't work?
Tom: We wanted to see if it was the costumes or the people what were queer.
We now what it is. It's the costumes.
Crow: We had a feeling that this would happen, so we drew sketches of cooler
costumes that Mighty Mulder and Super Scully could wear.
Tom: (Looking under the table)Yes if you could just reach under the table

(Mike reaches under the table and pulls out a sketch of a women in a leather

Crow: This is the costume that Scully should be wearing. Scully doesn't need
any damn cape, she can just run around flipping in this. Or she could just
wear it around the house or something. My house preferably.

(Mike reaches down again and picks of a sketch of a man in a suit and bouler
hat carrying an umbrella)

Tom: I designed this look for Mulder. I don't think that *any* man should be
seen running around in green spandex and a cape. The umbrella can be used as a
better weapon than sex appeal. And it hurts a hell of a lot more. And the hat
just looks kewl.

(Mike looks at both of the pictures and then looks at the 'bots)

Mike: Um guys....Did you notice that your sketches look a lot like what the
characters wear in "The Avengers"?
Crow: What do you mean Mike?
Tom: Yeah Mike?
Mike: Well look at this. (Gestures toward the sketch of the women)See the
catsuit? It's Emma Peel's trademark. And this(Gestures toward the sketch of
the man) is clearly John Steed. Anybody could see it.
Tom: Well Mike, I just don't see your connection.
Crow: Yeah Mike if you don't like our ideas than just say so. You don't have
to make up excuses.
Tom: Yeah we can take it.

(Commercial light starts to blink)

Mike: Oh, never mind. We'll be right back.

(Fades out to more stupid commercials)

"*I'm* your mother now, Frank."
Dr. Forrester Experiment #513 "The Brain That Wouldn't Die"
Mystery Science Theater 3000

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