transcript: I Speak No English

[John R Chang]

I Speak No English (DS)(2): the guy who speaks English meets a guy who
claims to speak no English (English-Speaking Guy)

D: We're closed.
S: Oh? I-I ju- want you to tell me where a shoe store is, cause I want to
look for a pair of shoes and buy 'em, if they have 'em.
D: I'm sorry, I'd love to be of assistance to you, but I'm afraid I speak
no English.
(laughter)
S: Pardon?
D: Ah! I see by the expression on your face that you're confused by my
statement. Perhaps you doubt its veracity, but let me assure you: I speak
not a word of English.
S: Oh-ohhhh, what are you talkin' about, huh?
D: You see, everything that I'm saying to you, I have learned to speak
phonetically. As to the meanings of the individual words or the percumbent
rules of syntax, I haven't a clue.
S: Ohhh-why don't you just sh-shut up and tell me where the shoe store is,
huh, you jerk?
D: Allow me to reiterate: I speak no English! Perhaps this will wash the
confusion from your face, my friend. My apparent fluency is the result of
constant repetition. As you can imagine, I've been through this speech
many times before. In fact, I could repeat it for you in any one of seven
different languages, yet oddly enough, I have never learned to speak it in
my own... which is fine, since over the years I've forgotten how to speak
my own language.
S: Just sh-shut up and tell me where the shoe store is, huh?
D: Thank you! Would you like to fight me now or are you a coward?
(ooooph!)
S: Don't die.
D: I don't know what you're saying!
S: I-I just wanted to buy a pair of shoes, huh?
D: No habla Espanol, senor!
S: Just got feet. Don't got shoes!
D: Nein sprechen Sie Deutsch!

John Chang
School of Computer Science, Carnegie Mellon University
JRChang+@see-em-you-dot-ee-dee-you | http://www.andrew.cmu.edu/user/jrc/