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The Top Ten Botched Escapes from Gilligan's Island
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Ubiquitous
Jun 30, 2013, 4:57:33 PM6/30/13
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Neatorama presents a guest post from actor, comedian, and voiceover
artist Eddie Deezen. Visit Eddie at his website.
I am the world's biggest Gilligan's Island fan, and this was a tough
list to narrow down. But, trooper that I am, I am hereby presenting my
choices for the top ten botched escapes from Gilligan's Island. If the
below plots seem stupid, ridiculous, and absurd to you, you're right!
Welcome to the world of Gilligan's Island. For some reason, the
ridiculous adventures of a goofy sailor, his skipper, a millionaire
couple, a farm girl, a hot movie actress, and a professor on an
uncharted island captured the hearts of countless millions of fans the
world over. Not quite as subtle as Benny Hill, and not as scholarly as
the Three Stooges, Gilligan's Island nevertheless, in my own humble
opinion, contains all the elements for a fine show: great slapstick
comedy, funny verbal comedy, incredibly gorgeous women, friendship, and
excellent comedy acting performances by all seven cast members.
Note: interestingly, the myth that "Gilligan kept spoiling the others'
chance of rescue" is a bit of an urban legend. Of the 10 failed rescue
attempts below, only the last one is directly caused by Gilligan -as we
shall see.
1. The Mosquitoes
It was the mid-'60s, and rock groups emulating The Beatles were
everywhere. And on the island there were The Mosquitoes: Bingo, Bango,
Bongo, and Irving.The four long-haired musicians came to the island for
a bit of R&R, but the restless, very-anxious-to-get-off-the-island
castaways just _had_ to interfere. They dreamed up a four-man guy group
(featuring Gilligan on drums) to scare The Mosquitoes into leaving. They
were terrible, and flopped. But the three-woman group The Honeybees
(Ginger, Mary Anne, and Mrs. Howell) really impressed them with their
talent. The Mosquitoes were so impressed by The Honeybees, they fled the
island, afraid of the competition.
2. Ginger's Lookalike, Eva Grubb
Fed up with men and the male world (pretty much like every other woman
who has ever lived, several times a year), a homely, drab woman arrives
on Gilligan's Island. Knowing how unhappy drab women's lives are,
Ginger, the sexy movie star, give unattractive Eva Grubb the Pygmalion
once-over (makeup, a tight dress, and of course, the obligatory removal
of the glasses).
Lo and behold, Eva is now a sexy knockout -and a dead ringer for Ginger.
She realizes that she is hot now, and can be attractive to men, so she
leaves the island -alone- to take over and resume Ginger's acting career
by impersonating Ginger in Hollywood.
3. The Jungle Boy
A jungle boy is discovered living on the island. Holy cow -it's a young
Kurt Russell! The castaways get a brainstorm: why not sew together a
bunch of old raincoats and inflate them to form a hot-air balloon, one
big enough to fly the jungle boy to civilization? Sure enough, their
idea works, and the jungle boy is rescued.
Unfortunately, he speaks no English, so he can't communicate to his
rescuers about the castaways. (Interestingly, Kurt Russell was later to
star in the movie Escape from New York.)
4. The Hollywood Producer
Before Steven Spielberg, before George Lucas, before Jerry Bruckheimer,
there was Harold Hecuba. Played with typical panache by comic legend
Phil Silvers, Harold Hecuba, the famous Hollywood producer, lands on
Gilligan's Island. Hoping to impress him with her acting talent, Ginger,
along with the other castaways, stage a musical version of Hamlet for
Hecuba. Impressed he is, so he, like so many others, leaves the island
without the castaways. He wants to put on the musical Hamlet idea into a
movie and grab the concept's credit for himself!
5. The Russian Cosmonauts
Ivan and Igor, two Russian cosmonauts, land on the island. They are
actually going to take the castaways back to civilization with them, but
no, it's never that easy, is it? The castaways somehow all get drunk on
vodka and fall unconscious. Unable to rouse them awake, Ivan and Igor
are forced to leave without them.
6. The Surfer
Is it my imagination, or do an inordinate number of other people land on
the island and somehow get off and manage to leave all seven castaways
stuck there? And so we see the champion surfer, played by actor Denny
Miller. Yes, he can surf off the island and get back to the mainland,
but the muscular surfer has eyed the voluptuous Ginger and the innocent
hottie Mary Anne. The girls respond in kind. After all, after several
months of nothing but Gilligan, the skipper, and the professor, wouldn't
you, ladies? But soon the ladies realize that they must act
disinterested or the surfer dude will never want to leave. So Ginger and
Mary Anne feign indifference to muscle boy (after initially drooling
over his physique) and he decides to surf back to civilization. And he
makes it -with one caveat. Surfer boy hits his head on a rock, gets
amnesia, and can't remember any of the castaways or his experiences with
them.
5. Wrong Way Feldman
Wrong Way Feldman, a disabused former pilot, has actually been living in
seclusion (for 33 years yet!) on the island, before Gilligan and his
pals arrived. The castaways finally fix up his plane and coax him to fly
again. He does, and like all the others (except Gilligan and company, of
course), he makes it back to the mainland. But they don't call him Wrong
Way for nothing -he forgets the coordinates of the island and can't
remember where it was located.
8. Wrong Way Feldman -Again!
What are the odds of one person making it back to and back safely from
Gilligan's Island not once, but _twice_? Oh, about a jillion gazillion
to one, maybe? But our old pal Wrong Way Feldman, now disillusioned with
civilization, flies back to the old island. Somehow, the castaways upset
him so much he flies off again in his plane. Would you believe he makes
it back home, and again can't help the castaways get rescued? If you
don't believe it, you may be quite rational, but you are not a
dyed-in-the-wool fan of Gilligan's Island.
9. Thar's Gold on That Thar Island!
The castaways discover there was actually a raft hidden on the
shipwrecked boat, the SS Minnow (well, fancy that)! Unfortunately, they
also discover a lost gold mine on the island. The weight of the raft
will only hold the castaways and their absolute essentials. But, in a
scene reminiscent of The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, the greedy
castaways all secretly bring their gold stashes on board. The weight of
the gold sinks the raft, along with their hopes of an escape.
10. The Mars Camera
A satellite camera sent by NASA mistakenly lands on the island. Okay,
it's simple enough. When NASA sees the images on camera of the seven
stranded castaways, they will surely send someone to rescue them. But
when Gilligan somehow upsets all the others, they chase him through some
glue and some feathers, which stick to them. The castaways now all
resemble giant birds, and of course, _this_ is what the scientists at
NASA see when the camera is activated. They assume they are seeing
images of "birdmen" (and "birdwomen") on Mars. Then, to top himself off
in his rescue-killing, Gilligan trips over the camera's wire and
disconnects it -permanently.
--
"We're gonna punish our enemies and we're gonna reward our friends"
-- Barack "Dear Ruler" Obama
artist Eddie Deezen. Visit Eddie at his website.
I am the world's biggest Gilligan's Island fan, and this was a tough
list to narrow down. But, trooper that I am, I am hereby presenting my
choices for the top ten botched escapes from Gilligan's Island. If the
below plots seem stupid, ridiculous, and absurd to you, you're right!
Welcome to the world of Gilligan's Island. For some reason, the
ridiculous adventures of a goofy sailor, his skipper, a millionaire
couple, a farm girl, a hot movie actress, and a professor on an
uncharted island captured the hearts of countless millions of fans the
world over. Not quite as subtle as Benny Hill, and not as scholarly as
the Three Stooges, Gilligan's Island nevertheless, in my own humble
opinion, contains all the elements for a fine show: great slapstick
comedy, funny verbal comedy, incredibly gorgeous women, friendship, and
excellent comedy acting performances by all seven cast members.
Note: interestingly, the myth that "Gilligan kept spoiling the others'
chance of rescue" is a bit of an urban legend. Of the 10 failed rescue
attempts below, only the last one is directly caused by Gilligan -as we
shall see.
1. The Mosquitoes
It was the mid-'60s, and rock groups emulating The Beatles were
everywhere. And on the island there were The Mosquitoes: Bingo, Bango,
Bongo, and Irving.The four long-haired musicians came to the island for
a bit of R&R, but the restless, very-anxious-to-get-off-the-island
castaways just _had_ to interfere. They dreamed up a four-man guy group
(featuring Gilligan on drums) to scare The Mosquitoes into leaving. They
were terrible, and flopped. But the three-woman group The Honeybees
(Ginger, Mary Anne, and Mrs. Howell) really impressed them with their
talent. The Mosquitoes were so impressed by The Honeybees, they fled the
island, afraid of the competition.
2. Ginger's Lookalike, Eva Grubb
Fed up with men and the male world (pretty much like every other woman
who has ever lived, several times a year), a homely, drab woman arrives
on Gilligan's Island. Knowing how unhappy drab women's lives are,
Ginger, the sexy movie star, give unattractive Eva Grubb the Pygmalion
once-over (makeup, a tight dress, and of course, the obligatory removal
of the glasses).
Lo and behold, Eva is now a sexy knockout -and a dead ringer for Ginger.
She realizes that she is hot now, and can be attractive to men, so she
leaves the island -alone- to take over and resume Ginger's acting career
by impersonating Ginger in Hollywood.
3. The Jungle Boy
A jungle boy is discovered living on the island. Holy cow -it's a young
Kurt Russell! The castaways get a brainstorm: why not sew together a
bunch of old raincoats and inflate them to form a hot-air balloon, one
big enough to fly the jungle boy to civilization? Sure enough, their
idea works, and the jungle boy is rescued.
Unfortunately, he speaks no English, so he can't communicate to his
rescuers about the castaways. (Interestingly, Kurt Russell was later to
star in the movie Escape from New York.)
4. The Hollywood Producer
Before Steven Spielberg, before George Lucas, before Jerry Bruckheimer,
there was Harold Hecuba. Played with typical panache by comic legend
Phil Silvers, Harold Hecuba, the famous Hollywood producer, lands on
Gilligan's Island. Hoping to impress him with her acting talent, Ginger,
along with the other castaways, stage a musical version of Hamlet for
Hecuba. Impressed he is, so he, like so many others, leaves the island
without the castaways. He wants to put on the musical Hamlet idea into a
movie and grab the concept's credit for himself!
5. The Russian Cosmonauts
Ivan and Igor, two Russian cosmonauts, land on the island. They are
actually going to take the castaways back to civilization with them, but
no, it's never that easy, is it? The castaways somehow all get drunk on
vodka and fall unconscious. Unable to rouse them awake, Ivan and Igor
are forced to leave without them.
6. The Surfer
Is it my imagination, or do an inordinate number of other people land on
the island and somehow get off and manage to leave all seven castaways
stuck there? And so we see the champion surfer, played by actor Denny
Miller. Yes, he can surf off the island and get back to the mainland,
but the muscular surfer has eyed the voluptuous Ginger and the innocent
hottie Mary Anne. The girls respond in kind. After all, after several
months of nothing but Gilligan, the skipper, and the professor, wouldn't
you, ladies? But soon the ladies realize that they must act
disinterested or the surfer dude will never want to leave. So Ginger and
Mary Anne feign indifference to muscle boy (after initially drooling
over his physique) and he decides to surf back to civilization. And he
makes it -with one caveat. Surfer boy hits his head on a rock, gets
amnesia, and can't remember any of the castaways or his experiences with
them.
5. Wrong Way Feldman
Wrong Way Feldman, a disabused former pilot, has actually been living in
seclusion (for 33 years yet!) on the island, before Gilligan and his
pals arrived. The castaways finally fix up his plane and coax him to fly
again. He does, and like all the others (except Gilligan and company, of
course), he makes it back to the mainland. But they don't call him Wrong
Way for nothing -he forgets the coordinates of the island and can't
remember where it was located.
8. Wrong Way Feldman -Again!
What are the odds of one person making it back to and back safely from
Gilligan's Island not once, but _twice_? Oh, about a jillion gazillion
to one, maybe? But our old pal Wrong Way Feldman, now disillusioned with
civilization, flies back to the old island. Somehow, the castaways upset
him so much he flies off again in his plane. Would you believe he makes
it back home, and again can't help the castaways get rescued? If you
don't believe it, you may be quite rational, but you are not a
dyed-in-the-wool fan of Gilligan's Island.
9. Thar's Gold on That Thar Island!
The castaways discover there was actually a raft hidden on the
shipwrecked boat, the SS Minnow (well, fancy that)! Unfortunately, they
also discover a lost gold mine on the island. The weight of the raft
will only hold the castaways and their absolute essentials. But, in a
scene reminiscent of The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, the greedy
castaways all secretly bring their gold stashes on board. The weight of
the gold sinks the raft, along with their hopes of an escape.
10. The Mars Camera
A satellite camera sent by NASA mistakenly lands on the island. Okay,
it's simple enough. When NASA sees the images on camera of the seven
stranded castaways, they will surely send someone to rescue them. But
when Gilligan somehow upsets all the others, they chase him through some
glue and some feathers, which stick to them. The castaways now all
resemble giant birds, and of course, _this_ is what the scientists at
NASA see when the camera is activated. They assume they are seeing
images of "birdmen" (and "birdwomen") on Mars. Then, to top himself off
in his rescue-killing, Gilligan trips over the camera's wire and
disconnects it -permanently.
--
"We're gonna punish our enemies and we're gonna reward our friends"
-- Barack "Dear Ruler" Obama
anim8rFSK
Jun 30, 2013, 7:31:25 PM6/30/13
to
In article <kqq5pj$1k2$1...@dont-email.me>,
times, and IIRC he messed up the Feldman plan as well.
--
Dano's just a troll.
Ubiquitous <web...@polaris.net> wrote:
> Note: interestingly, the myth that "Gilligan kept spoiling the others'
> chance of rescue" is a bit of an urban legend. Of the 10 failed rescue
> attempts below, only the last one is directly caused by Gilligan -as we
> shall see.
Objection to the small sample size. Gilligan messed up a lot of other
> Note: interestingly, the myth that "Gilligan kept spoiling the others'
> chance of rescue" is a bit of an urban legend. Of the 10 failed rescue
> attempts below, only the last one is directly caused by Gilligan -as we
> shall see.
times, and IIRC he messed up the Feldman plan as well.
--
Dano's just a troll.
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