A Weakest Link about nothing...
Chris Wolvie
show. One of them will walk away with up to $1 million for the
charity of their choice. The rest will leave...as round by round they
are voted off as...
THE WEAKEST LINK! ("Seinfeld" sidekicks Edition)
================================================
In the 90s, "Seinfeld" was the big name on NBC television. Everyone
remembers Jerry and George and Elaine and, of course, Cosmo Kramer.
But what of the characters who weren't on the show quite as often?
Well, here they are...
Contestants:
(Name, "Seinfeld" character,
Location, Charity)
SUSAN WALTERS, Dolores...or is it Mulva?,
Atlanta GA, Rally To Save Ahmanson Ranch
BRENDA STRONG, Sue-Ellen Mishkie "The Braless Wonder",
Portland OR, Waldorf School Highland Hall & Alegria Foundation
through the Salvation Army
PHIL MORRIS, Jackie Chiles "Attorney at large",
Los Angeles CA, Child Help USA
LARRY THOMAS, Soup Nazi,
Brooklyn NY, Nation Children's Cancer Society
LIZ SHERIDAN, Jerry's mother Helen,
New York City, Don McBeth Memorial Jocky Fund
BRIAN GEORGE, Babu Bhatt,
London...kind of, American Breast Cancer Society
ESTELLE HARRIS, George Costanza's mother Estelle,
Tarentum PA, AMFAR
DANNY WOODBURN, Mickey Abbott "The Little Person",
Philadelphia PA, Little People's Research Fund
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
ROUND 1 2 minutes, 30 seconds
Money banked: $30,000
Chains banked: 3
SUSAN : 2 right, 1 wrong
BRENDA : 3 right, 0 wrong, 1 chain *STRONGEST LINK*
PHIL : 2 right, 1 wrong
LARRY : 1 right, 2 wrong *WEAKEST LINK*
LIZ : 2 right, 1 wrong
BRIAN : 1 right, 1 wrong, 1 chain *BANKED MOST*
ESTELLE : 1 right, 1 wrong, 1 chain
DANNY : 2 right, 0 wrong
"Who is most defenitely NOT 'master of his domain'? Whose answers are
uglier than a puffy shirt?"
SUSAN : BRIAN
BRENDA : LIZ
PHIL : BRIAN
LARRY : BRIAN
LIZ : ESTELLE
BRIAN : BRENDA
ESTELLE : BRIAN
DANNY : BRIAN
Anne: "Susan,...what did YOU do on 'Seinfeld'?"
Susan: "I played the woman whose name rhymes with a female body
part...Dolores. Mulva?"
Anne: "Have you had any work since?"
Susan: "I'm actually on 'The Young & The Restless' right now. And,
y'know what? I'm learning SO MUCH about my character from you. This
is great."
Anne: "Why Brian?"
Susan: "Well, uh, he's the only person who seemed...as flustered as I
felt."
Anne: "OK. Estelle,..."
Estelle: (worried) "Ut oh..."
Anne: "What part did YOU play on 'Seinfeld'?"
Estelle: "Georgie's mother."
Anne: "What was the most memorable episode you were in on 'Seinfeld'?"
Estelle: "Well, I came home - not expecting my son there because he
didn't live with us - and I found him 'using his body like was an
amusement park'!"
Anne: "I don't understand."
Estelle: "Mmm...he was...he was looking at a glamor magazine...and
there was..."
Anne: "With both hands?"
Estelle: "No, only with one. The other one was in use."
Anne: "The other one was busy?"
Estelle: "Busy, busy. In use."
Anne: "Why Brian?"
Estelle: "I voted for the man with the closest...the beggining of the
alphabet...and it was Brian."
Anne: "Larry,...what did YOU do on 'Seinfeld'?"
Larry: "I palyed the Soup Nazi."
Anne: "Oh. What did the Soup Nazi do?"
Larry: "Basically threw people out of his soup kitchen for not obeying
the rules."
Anne: "And what were his rules?"
Larry: "'Obey my rules'."
Anne: "What WERE your rules?"
Larry: "'Step in, order your food in a loud clear voice, present your
money, take two steps to the right, take your soup and leave!'"
Anne: "Why Brian?"
Larry: "Well, because I know him better than anyone else here and I'm
just THAT mean."
Anne: "OK...Brian?"
Brian: (As Babu) "What?!"
Anne: "Once again, Babu, you're being deported! You ARE the 'weakest
link'. Good-bye."
Brian: "No!"
Estelle: (as Brian leaves) "I'm sorry!"
Susan: "So am I!"
[In the booth interview, he calls Anne "a very, very bad
person"...like this is news!]
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
ROUND 2 2 minutes, 20 seconds
Money banked: $5,000
Chains banked: 2
SUSAN : 1 right, 1 wrong
BRENDA : 1 right, 1 wrong
PHIL : 2 right, 0 wrong, 1 chain *STRONGEST LINK*
LARRY : 1 right, 1 wrong
LIZ : 0 right, 2 wrong, 1 chain
ESTELLE : 1 right, 1 wrong
DANNY : 0 right, 2 wrong *WEAKEST LINK*
"Who's been giving us nothing but 'yadda yadda yadda'? Whose
performance has been a show about nothing?"
SUSAN : DANNY
BRENDA : DANNY
PHIL : SUSAN
LARRY : DANNY
LIZ : DANNY
ESTELLE : LIZ
DANNY : LIZ
Anne: "Brenda,...what are you famous for?"
Brenda: "Uh,...(points to her open jacket and lacy brassiere
underneath)...this, I suppose."
Anne: "What's 'this'?"
Brenda: "It would be a brassiere."
Anne: "You're famous for a brassiere?"
Brenda: "Uh-huh. Or, NOT a brassiere, as it were."
Anne: "Why?"
Brenda: "Why? Because my character on 'Seinfeld', Sue-Ellen Mishkie,
was known for NOT wearing a bra. And, so, being that I was Eliane's
'Lex Luthor', when she gave me this for my birthday as kind of a joke,
I decided to wear it to her office and became famous for the car
accident that subdued...that, y'know, happened afterward."
Anne: "OK, that was really clear as mud. OK, why Danny?"
Brenda: "Being that my last name is Strong, 'weak' would be the
opposite. And, being that I'm tall, I had to Danny go."
Danny: "Logic..."
Anne: "That's ANOHTER really clear explanation. Liz,...tell me, what
did YOU play on 'Seinfeld'?"
Liz: "I played his mother."
Anne: "Have you been acting for many, many, many, many years, Liz?"
Liz: "Well, I started as a dancer...and then a singer..."
Anne: "What happened to you while you were a dancer, Liz?"
Liz: "I danced."
Anne: "Did you have any relationships that were famous?"
Liz: "Yes. Me and James Dean."
Anne: "Oh, what happened with you and James Dean?"
Liz: "We lived together in the 50s."
Anne: "What was the most memorable thing about living with James Dean?
Did HE think there we 32 weeks in a year? [Brenda thought there were
about 30 weeks in a calender, not 52...and not 32 as Anne thought
Brenda said] Did you 'use each other's bodies like an amusement
park'?"
Liz: "Yes, any time we could."
Anne: "Why Danny?"
Liz: "'Cause he didn't know as many answerrs as I didn't know."
Anne: "That's true. Danny,..."
Danny: "Yes, headmistress..."
Anne: "Enjoy all the pretty lights as you take the Walk of Shame!
[Danny answered a question he didn't know by looking up and saying,
'Look at all the pretty lights...'] With 4 votes, you ARE the 'weakest
link'. Good-bye."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
ROUND 3 2 minutes, 10 seconds
Money banked: $3,500
Chains banked: 2
SUSAN : 1 right, 1 wrong, 1 chain
BRENDA : 2 right, 0 wrong
PHIL : 2 right, 1 wrong, 1 chain *BANKED MOST*
LARRY : 3 right, 0 wrong *STRONGEST LINK*
LIZ : 0 right, 3 wrong *WEAKEST LINK*
ESTELLE : 1 right, 2 wrong
"Who's been 'double-dipping' in ignorance?"
SUSAN : LIZ
BRENDA : LIZ
PHIL : LIZ
LARRY : ESTELLE
LIZ : ESTELLE
ESTELLE : LIZ!
Anne: "Phil,...what part did YOU play?"
Phil: "I played Jackie Chiles, attorney...for Kramer and, then, for
the whole 'Seinfeld' gang at the end."
Anne: "OK, well, tell us some of the fun things you did."
Phil: "I represented Jerry and Kramer...against Sue-Ellen Mishkie, the
'wearer of the bra', the O'Henry candy bar heiress...mm-hmm."
Anne: "Why Liz?"
Heidi: "She didn't answer very many questions, so..."
Anne: "OK. Estelle,..."
Estelle: "Oh..."
Anne: "Are you feeling OK."
Estelle: "OK."
Anne: "I just wondered 'cause you got a question right in that last
round.?"
Estelle: "I did get one."
Anne: "Who is your husband?"
Estelle: "Jerry Stiller."
Anne: "Was he a good husband to you on 'Seinfeld'?"
Estelle: "No."
Anne: "Why not?"
Estelle: "We were married too long."
Anne: "Have YOU been married too long?"
Estelle: "YES!"
Anne: "How long have you been married?"
Estelle: "Too long..."
Anne: "What does HE do?"
Estelle: "Not much."
Anne: "OK. Why are you getting rid of Liz?"
Estelle: "I don't know. I think because she voted for me once, so I'm
sorta getting even...do I know what I'm doing here?!"
Anne: "Liz, the rebel wihtout a clue! With 4 votes, you ARE the
'weakest link'. Good-bye."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
ROUND 4 2 minutes even
Money banked: $6,000
Chains banked: 3
SUSAN : 1 right, 2 wrong, 1 chain
BRENDA : 1 right, 2 wrong, 1 chain *WEAKEST LINK*
PHIL : 2 right, 0 wrong
LARRY : 3 right, 0 wrong *STRONGEST LINK*
ESTELLE : 1 right, 2 wrong, 1 chain
"Whose mind is suffering from shrinkage?"
SUSAN : ESTELLE
BRENDA : ESTELLE
PHIL : ESTELLE
LARRY : ESTELLE
ESTELLE : SUSAN
Anne: "Larry, why Estelle? How mean is that?"
Larry: "It's pretty mean. And that's what I'm out to do. Plus, she's
just way over there and I thought I would just make it a kind of a
cozy corner here. Things would go more quickly..."
Estelle: "But I answered a question!"
Anne: "Estelle, we've loved having you here. But, now, we are sending
you back to that husband you've had enough of! With 4 votes, you ARE
the 'weakest link'. Good-bye."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
ROUND 5 1 minute, 50 seconds
Money banked: $4,500
Chains banked: 3
SUSAN : 1 right, 3 wrong, 3 chains*WEAKEST LINK**BANKED MOST*
BRENDA : 1 right, 2 wrong
PHIL : 1 right, 2 wrong
LARRY : 3 right, 1 wrong *STRONGEST LINK*
"I urge you: off the oaf, cast out the clown, heave the hack, ax the
actor!"
SUSAN : LARRY
BRENDA : LARRY
PHIL : SUSAN
LARRY : BRENDA
Anne: "Brenda,...have your breasts changed since 1997?"
Brenda: "Funny you should ask. Actually, yes, they have. 'Cause when
I did the first three episodes, I was nursing my son, so they were
CONSIDERABLY larger."
Anne: "OK, 'cause I think we've seen enough of them now."
Brenda: "Really? (opens her jacket and 'flashes' Anne with her bra)"
Anne: "(not amused) I think that's MORE than enough. I think you can
close your jacket."
Brenda: "(closing the jacket) Thank you, Anne. Now I can
concentrate."
Anne: "Why Larry?"
Zandrea: "Jerry liked him better than he liked me."
Anne: "OK. Susan, why Larry?"
Susan: "Well, I..I...I would like to see Brenda win - in her bra, as a
woman - win all the money, to be perfectly honest. So, I voted for
Larry."
Anne: "Larry, with 2 votes, no soup for you! You ARE the 'weakest
link'. Good-bye."
Larry: "Thank you. Someone FINALLY says it to me!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
ROUND 6 1 minute, 40 seconds
Money banked: $7,000
Chains banked: 3
SUSAN : 2 right, 2 wrong *WEAKEST LINK*
BRENDA : 2 right, 2 wrong, 2 chains*STRONGEST LINK**BANKED MOST*
PHIL : 2 right, 2 wrong, 1 chain
"Who is LEAST likely to help you raise that bank balance?"
SUSAN : BRENDA
BRENDA : SUSAN
PHIL : SUSAN
Anne: "Phil, why Susan?"
Phil: "I...didn't think she would help in the next round."
Anne: "And you thought YOU would?"
Phil: "Yes. yes, I do."
Anne: "OK. Susan, whose name rhymes with "losin'",...with 2 votes,
you ARE the 'weakest link'. Good-bye."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
ROUND 7 1 minute, 30 seconds
(DOUBLE ROUND)
Money banked: $12,000 (doubled to $24,000)
Chains banked: 2
BRENDA : 4 right, 2 wrong *BANKED MOST*
PHIL : 6 right, 0 wrong
[ARRRRRGH! EIGHT IN A ROW! QUARTER-MIL LOST!]
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
FINAL ROUND (BANKED GRAND TOTAL: $80,000)
Phil, being 'strongest link' of Round 7, elects for Brenda to go first
BRENDA - Q: Which state has the most number of seats in the U.S.
House of Representatives?
A: Texas (incorrect; California)
PHIL - Q: What American author took his pen name for a riverboat
term for 'two fathoms'?
A: Mark Twain (correct)
BRENDA - Q: The word 'equine' means relatiing to or resembling what
species of animal?
A: Horse (correct)
PHIL - Q: In geometry, how many sides does a hexagon have?
A: Six (correct)
BRENDA - Q: What Presidential retreat is named for the grandson of
Dwight Eisenhower?
A: Camp David (correct)
PHIL - Q: What mental disorder derives its name from the Greek for
'split mind'?
A: Schizophrenia (correct)
BRENDA - Q: What Tony Award-winning musical is based on 'The
Matchmaker' by Thornton Wilder?
A: "Fiddler on the Roof" (incorrect; "Hello, Dolly")
PHIL - Q: Andalusia is a region of what European country?
A: Greece (incorrect; Spain)
BRENDA - Q: In chemistry, an alcohol must contain carbon, hydrogen
and which third element?
A: Oxygen (correct)
PHIL - Q: What former Vice-President first referred to the internet
as the "information Superhighway"?
A: Dan Quayle (incorrect; Al Gore)
*SUDDEN DEATH!*
BRENDA - Q: In Roman Numerals, what number is represented by the
letter D?
A: 1000 (incorrect; 500)
PHIL - Q: Sharing its name with a state, what river is the longer
tributary of the Mississippi River?
A: Missouri (correct)
1 2 3 4 5 6
BRENDA X O O X O X
PHIL O O O X X O
Phil is the Strongest Link and leaves with $80,000 for Childhelp USA!
Brenda (and her bra)...just...leaves (The obligatory $10K goes to
everyone else's charity)!
NOTES:
Dang...another celeb show, and another on the way. Just 'cause
"sweeps month" has apparantly been moved to January 'cause of the
Olympics, that doesn't mean we should be go through more of these.
I'm starting to be convinced that all the REGULAR contestants have
been shoved to the SYNDICATED version, and we'll be seeing nothing but
celebs on NBC from here on out. :(
(BTW, saw the syndie version. George Gray's no Anne by ANY stretch,
but at least he has a bit more insight on American pop culture...and
that helps in his put-downs. But does he HAVE to dress in black and
narrow glasses just like Anne does?!)
Now,...I'll admit that I've never really being a "Seinfeld" fan. I've
heard of these characters...but never actually seen most of them. So
sue me...
I _did_, however, get most of Anne's "Who's" statements. If you
didn't,...ask a 'Seinfeld' fan to explain.
Shame that we didn't get to hear the "Soup Nazi" give his line to
Anne...but it WAS a hoot that SHE said it to HIM!
Figures that the "lawyer" would find a way to grab the money.
In conclusion,...there are 30 weeks in a year?!
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Join us next time for another review of "Weakest Link"... *wink*...
good-bye.