"Fry and the Slurm Factory (1ACV13)" Episode Capsule Part Two
Jordan Eisenberg in a Jar
% In the PE lounge at night, Fry and Bender watch an episode of "All My
% Circuits," in which Calculon finds Monique in bed with his evil half
% brother. After his half-brother excuses himself with a beeping noise,
% Calculon whips out a gun and quips: "You may be my evil half brother
% but there's no law against murdering the other half!" The show goes
% to commercial, where we see an adversitsement for Slurm ("It's highly
% addictive!"), and its mascot, an oversized, surf-boarding slug named
% 'Slurms McKenzie'. 'Slurms' surfs onto a beach where he's greeted by
% two babes in bikinis, and everyone on the beach begins partying.
Bender: Look at that worm go. Who says there are no more heroes?
Slurms: Hey, dudes, you could win a chance to party with me, Slurms
McKenzie, at the Slurm bottling plant on planet Wormulon!
Announcer: Just look for the golden bottle cap inside specially marked
cans of Slurm.
[one babe finds the bottle cap in her Slurm can]
Babe: I won!
Announcer: No purchase necessary unless you wish to enter the contest.
Odds of winning mathematically insignificant.
Fry: I like those odds!
% Fry hears a rattling inside his Slurm can and looks inside
% frantically, but it's only a tooth. He throws the empty can into a
% pile by his side and throws the tooth into a pile of similar loose
% teeth on the floor, then pops the tab on a new can, and sighs --
% showing us a wide, toothless grin.
% End of Act One (1:24)
% At the main PE table, Fry peers into yet another empty Slurm can, but
% once again discovers that he is a loser.
Fry: I got to find that golden bottle cap.
Leela: I've never seen anyone so addicted to Slurm.
Fry: This is nothing. Back in high school, I used to drink a
hundred cans of Cola a week. Right up until my third heart
attack.
% Bender enters through the front entrance with his hands clasped to his
% stomach, sneezing. The crew discovers that he's sick, and after Leela
% burns her hand in an attempt to feel his forehead, Professor
% Farnsworth reads Bender's body-tempurature off of a tempurature gauge
% inside his chest cavity. With a fever of 900 degrees, Bender is
% invited by Hermes to lie down on the couch ... but burns the entire
% couch to a crisp on the moment of contact. Hermes threatens to make
% him pay for it.
% Dr. Zoidberg is recruited to diagnose Bender. The crew gather in his
% office.
Zoidberg: I'll have a look but I remind you I'm an expert on humans,
not robots.
[he shines a tiny flashlight in Fry's face]
Fry: I'm not Bender. I'm Fry.
Zoidberg: Really? I thought _you_ were the robot.
Fry: Nope, human.
Zoidberg: Alright, alright, spare me your life story. [to Bender]
Now, what seems to be the trouble?
Bender: My tummy hurts and I've been having this burning electrical
discharge.
% Zoidberg assures Bender he'll be fine, but then walks away in grief,
% assembling rest of the gang to listen. "I didn't have the heart to
% tell him it's fin fungus. He'll be floating upside down by morning."
% He then sulks out of the room and the gang resumes trying to diagnose
% Bender.
Amy: You should try homeopathic medicine, Bender. Take some zinc.
Bender: I'm 40% zinc.
Amy: Then take some echinacea or St. John's wort.
Prof.: Or a big, fat placebo. It's all the same crap.
[Bender coughs; something rattles inside him]
Leela: Hey, what's rattling around in there?
Prof.: It may well be the cause of Bender's illness but more
importantly, it's a flimsy pretext to try out my latest
invention. To the laboratory!
% The crew heads off, with the Professor lagging behind. Inside his
% lab, he presents to them his latest piece of gadgetry -- the F-Ray.
% "It's like an x-ray only it allows you to see through anything. Even
% metal." He provides protective goggles for the crew to wear in lieu
% of the F-Ray's dangerous neutrino beams, and prepares a full-body
% radiation suit for himself, then focuses the F-Ray beam on Bender.
% After searching Bender's inner workings, the beam finally reveals a
% wristwatch caught between two gears in the torso area.
Amy: Hey, that's my watch!
Bender: I was wondering where I put that. [he reaches inside and
frees the watch, then hands it to Amy] Hey! Now I feel much
better. Thanks, Professor and, Amy -- sorry I took your
watch.
% They hug, and Bender reaches around to pluck her earrings off. He
% chuckles, throws them into his mouth and coughs. Professor Farnsworth
% takes off his radiation suit.
Prof.: Well, I've got to go take this suit to the decontaminators.
You two lock up the F-Ray, and for the love of God don't let it
fall into the wrong hands.
% He drops the F-Ray into the hands of Fry and Bender, who giggle to
% each other, and then set out to the street to have some fun with their
% new toy. Fry volunteers to be the first test-subject, and when Bender
% shines the beam at his pelvis Fry bends forward in pain.
Fry: Ow, my sperm!
Bender: Wow, neat. Mind if I try that again?
[he does so]
Fry: Huh! Didn't hurt that time.
% A robot walks past them on the sidewalk, dressed like a whore with big
% hair and thighs, carrying a purse. Bender silently beckons her to
% hold still while he shines a peek at her insides, but gasps in shock.
Fry: What's wrong?
Bender: That's no lady!
Robot: [turns around] Damn, chica. One more upgrade and I'll be
more lady than you can handle. Why you so stupid, stupid?
Bender: Hey, bite my shiny metal ass.
Robot: You couldn't afford it, honey.
% He/she/it flips them both off with a crude hand-gesture and leaves.
% Fry and Bender decide to have some fun at the local 7^11, where the
% shelves are lined with food-products and the floor is decorated with a
% Slurm can pyramid. Beside the pyramid are cardboard cut-outs of
% Slurms McKenzie and his henchbabes.
Fry: Man, all this prolonged exposure to radiation is making me
thirsty. [sees the Slurm display] Ah! If only there was
some way of knowing which can had the winning bottle cap
inside.
Bender: W-wha-what? I didn't hear you. I was too busy using this
F-Ray to look inside of things.
Fry: Wait a second. I'm getting an idea. No. False alarm. No,
yeah, no, yeah, no. Wait. No, yeah, yeah. No. No. Yes!
% A light, techno version of the Futurama theme accompanies the
% following scenes, in which Fry and Bender try to find as many Slurm
% cans as possible and scan them. They search the entire pyramid, to no
% avail. Bender swipes a can from a kid on the street and, as an
% encore, uses the F-Ray beam to pop his balloon and run away. Fry
% scans a Slurm vending machine as Bender steals coins from underneath
% it, and Bender tries to see inside a Slurm blimp overhead, but burns a
% hole in the center, and they run away as it deflates. They finally
% return to F-Ray to its rightful owner, interrupting a game of 3D
% Scrabble between him and Leela in the PE lounge.
Bender: Ah, this thing stinks.
Fry: We checked 90,000 cans of Slurm and all we won was this junk.
[gestures to a wheelbarrow full of crap bearing the Slurm
logo] I never want to see another can of Slurm again. Man,
am I thirsty.
% Fry heads for the refrigerator and takes out a fresh can of Slurm.
% After taking only one sip of it, he drops the can and begins gasping
% for air. His friends rush to his attention, and Bender shines the
% F-Ray on Fry's neck, revealing a bottle cap wedged in his throat with
% the words "You Win!" printed on it. Fry tries to cheer, but collapses
% unconscious on the floor.
% End of Act Two (5:14)
% The entire Planet Express crew flies to Wormulon, a planet around
% which a ring of colored gas is arranged to spell the Slurm logo, and
% on which lies the famous Slurm Bottling Plant. Outside this factory
% is where the ship lands, and the crew is presented at once with a
% blast of music from two trumpet-weilding slugs. An iron gate opens up
% and a snappily dressed slug enters on a red carpet, to the crew's
% appreciable murmurs.
Glermo: Welcome to the planet Wormulon! I'm Glermo your gollyrific
guide to the splentacular Slurm factory.
Fry: Uh-huh. Can we have our free Slurm now?
Glermo: You'll have all the Slurm you can drink later on when you're
partying with my good friend Slurms McKenzie.
% Slurms appears a few feet behind Glermo on the red carpet, with his
% two bikini-clad henchbabes by his side. The moment he appears, some
% rock music plays from out of nowhere, and he slides over to the crew.
Slurms: All right! Whimmy Wham-Wham Wozzle. Lay some skin on me,
dudes.
[Fry and Bender give him low-fives]
Bender: Wow. The original party-worm. Are you ready to get down, get
funky with us?
Glermo: He'd better be. That's what we pay him for, right, Slurms?
Slurms: [nervous] Right!
Glermo: In fact, Slurms has to party all night, every night or he's
fired.
Slurms: Rock on.
Glermo: But before the party you're all in for a funderful treat. A
VIP tour of the Slurm factory.
[Glermo leads them through the iron gates]
Slurms: Enjoy the tour, dudes. [to the guards] I'm gonna go lie
down.
% Glermo and the crew occupy a small elevator-like room as he welcomes
% them to the wonderful world of whimsy that they like to call "Slurm
% Centralized Industrial Fabrication Unit." The doors open up to reveal
% a brightly lit universe full of foliage and magical scenery, with an
% orange river running down the center. Slurm cans hang from trees and
% bushes and an old-fashioned steamboat awaits their arrival. A race of
% horrible orange creatures, identified by Glermo as the Grunka-Lunkas,
% are enduring hard labor over on the far end of the river. The crew
% set sail on the steamboat. Glermo narrates their tour, showing them
% attractions such as the "mixologists" and the Glacial Spring Water
% Generator. When they come to the spot where the Grunka-Lunkas are
% said to add "the secret ingredient that makes Slurm so deliciously
% addictive," the workers promptly and suspiciously hide themselves and
% their work behind a red curtain.
Fry: So what's the secret ingredient?
Glermo: It's whatever your imagination wants it to be.
Fry: Oh. Well what is it, really?
Glermo: [ominiously] That's not for you to know. Now, over here, the
Grunka-Lunkas are inducing wumpus berries to release their
flavor using sensual massage.
Bender: Pst. Those berries. Those are the secret ingredient, right?
Glermo: No.
Bender: You positive?
Glermo: Yes.
Bender: I'm just asking 'cause they look kind of secret.
Glermo: Enough! There will be no further questions.
Fry: Why?
Leela: Hey, look. The disgusting little men are starting to sing.
% The Grunka-Lunkas join together and begin their rigid song-and-dance:
Grunka Lunka Dunkity Doo
We've got a friendly warning for you
Grunka Lunka Dunkity Dasis
The secret to Slurm's on a need-to-know basis
Asking questions in school is a great way to learn
If you try that stuff here you might get your legs broke
We once found a dead guy face-down in the Slurm
It could easily happen again to you folks
So keep your head down and keep your mouth shut
Grunka Lunka Lunka Dunkity Dutt
% Glermo yells at the Grunka-Lunkas for singing on the job. Later in
% the tour they pass a bearded slug with a wine-glass full of Slurm in
% his hand who Glermo calls "the Slurm Master checking the Slurm for
% color and bouquet." Seeing the Master taking sip after sip of Slurm
% reminds Fry how thirsty he is.
Fry: Uh, could I have some Slurm, please?
Glermo: No food or drink on the tour. You'll have to wait till
you're partying with Slurms McKenzie.
Fry: When will that be?
Glermo: Soon enough.
Fry: That's not soon enough.
[Leela spots a guarded door on the left that says "Keep
Out."]
Leela: Hey, what's behind that door?
Glermo: Nothing.
Leela: Is it the secret ingredient?
G-Lunkas: [singing] Grunka Lunka Dunkity Dingredient
You should not ask about the secret ingredient
Bender: Okay, okay, we get the point.
Leela: I was just curious because of the armed guards.
G-Lunkas: Grunka Lunka Dunkity Darmed-Guards ...
Bender: Shut the hell up!
% Later, Fry sneaks around to the back of the ship, briefly overhearing
% a discussion between Hermes and Glermo about the Grunka-Lunkas, and
% then attempts to hang himself over the railing of the ship by his feet
% and drink upside-down from the river of Slurm, but he can't reach.
% Leela walks by and declines Fry's invitation to grab his feet and dunk
% his head in, so he decides to just drop head-first into the river.
% After he realizes he can't swim, Leela jumps in to rescue him. Bender
% joins them in the river, and all three are caught in a whirlpool,
% sucked underground and deposited via a metal pipe into a cavernous
% sewer, where the Slurm pours down a drain. Fry's sense of taste tells
% them that the Slurm from the river isn't real, and Leela devises that
% "There's something rotten on the planet Wormulon." This point is
% reinforced by the doors ahead of them that say "Real Factory" and
% "Fake Factory" (the latter of which turns out to be the same door that
% said "Keep Out!" on the other side).
Leela: This all must have something to do with the secret ingredient.
Fry: My God! What if the secret ingredient is _people_?
Leela: No. There's already a soda like that. Soylent Cola.
Fry: Oh. How is it?
Leela: It varies from person to person.
% Meanwhile the tour, now consisting of just Amy, Farnsworth, Zoidberg
% and Hermes, has moved from the boat to a small little gift shop (the
% Slurmme Shoppe), where they sift through everything from porcelain
% Slurms McKenzie figurines to Slurm towels, hats and jackets. Dr.
% Zoidberg asks about special-sized t-shirts and Glermo notices that the
% group's headcount has decreased. He excuses himself from the shop,
% leaving a trail of sticky goo which Amy slips on. Underground, Fry,
% Leela and Bender narrowly avoid being spotted by a pair of watch-
% slugs, and stumble across a conveyor belt full of Slurm cans. The
% belt exits from a wall, next to a door marked "Slurm Production
% Chamber." Fry grabs a can of Slurm and drinks it down hurriedly.
Fry: Oh, yeah. I'm never going 12 minutes without a Slurm again.
Leela: It's the end of the line. This must be where they put in the
secret ingredient.
Fry: Whatever it is, it's even better fresh. [slurps some more]
Mmm. Still warm.
% Leela opens the door and they all gather around to see a huge,
% industrial-sized room, of which the most prominent feature is the 50-
% foot-long and generously fat slug whose rear end is hooked up to a
% funnel, where she squirts glob after glob of sticky green goo into an
% endless line of empty Slurm cans. Fry, Leela and Bender flinch and
% groan. Fry sips casually from his Slurm can, until Leela reminds him
% not to and he spits it out in disgust. He fills the void by sipping
% casually from his Slurm can, until Leela reminds him not to and he
% spits it out in disgust ...
% End of Act Three (7:32)
% The impact of their discovery is still sinking in as the crew watching
% the Slurm assembly line move on and on. When Fry casually takes a sip
% from his Slurm can for the third time, Leela smacks the can out of his
% hand and the sound it makes when it hits the floor alerts the Slurm
% Queen. She turns around in surprise, then abandons her post in order
% to squish the intruders with her tail. The three of them escape out
% the door seconds before being smashed to bits, and are chased through
% the corridors by a couple of ray-gun-weilding Wormulans until they
% somehow find themselves rushing back into the Slurm production
% chamber.
% Glermo greets them upon their return: "Well, my curious friends,
% you've learned the secret of Slurm. That concludes the portion of the
% tour where you stay alive!" Leela tries cutting him in half with a
% spin-kick, but that only results in two smaller Glermos. They subdue
% her, while Fry and Bender are captured by more Wormulan guards.
Queen: Good work, Glermo. You have pleased your queen.
Glermo 1: Thank you, Your Majesty.
Glermo 2: Thanks, Ma'am.
Leela: How can you trick people into drinking something that comes
out of your behind? It's disgusting.
Queen: Is it? Honey comes from a bee's behind. Milk comes from a
cow's behind. And have you ever used toothpaste?
Fry: Whose behind does that come from?
Queen: You don't want to know.
Bender: Look, we just came to party with Slurms McKenzie. By the
way, when is that scheduled?
Queen: Never!
Bender: Aww!
Queen: To the torture cave!
% In the torture cave, Bender is strapped to a conveyor belt along with
% other scrap metal approaching a Slurm-can-molding machine, Leela is
% hanging in the air by a harness above a pool of molten liquid, and Fry
% is idly watching from the side. The queen describes each person's
% punishment.
Queen: [to Bender] You, my metal friend, will have the honor of
becoming 174 Slurm cans.
Bender: Ah, this trip is turning into a big letdown.
Queen: [to Leela] As for you, you will be submerged in Royal
Slurm, which, in a matter of minutes, will turn you into a
Slurm Queen like myself.
Glermo 2: But, Your Highness, she's a commoner. Her Slurm will taste
foul.
Queen: Yes! Which is why we'll market it as "New Slurm." Then,
when everyone hates it, we'll bring back "Slurm Classic" and
make billions.
[crazed laughter from all three slugs]
Fry: What about me?
Queen: You are free to go.
Fry: Yes!
Queen: If you can resist this Concentrated Superslurm.
% The Glermos seat Fry in front of a huge trough. Then, the Slurm Queen
% squeezes with all her might to fill the trough to the brim with a
% green goo. "It's so delicious, you'll eat until you explode," she
% says. A Glermo shoves a spoonful into Fry's mouth, and he's instantly
% addicted to it. The queen and her cohorts bid farewell to their
% doomed contest-winners and exit, leaving the lives of Bender and Leela
% in the hands of Fry, who is too distracted by his new dessert to help
% them. After a number of pleads fail to bring him to his senses, Fry
% decides to help them both by dragging the trough over to Leela and
% raising a lever with his foot, unlocking her harness, all the while
% stuffing his face with the Superslurm. Leela is now able to turn
% Bender's machine off -- but not before it punctures a hole clean
% through his torso. She then dumps the trough into the sewer and drags
% Fry out of the room with them, as he tries to gnaw his arms off in
% order to get past the sewer grate. In their mad escape through the
% underground caves, they run into Slurms McKenzie and his two
% henchbabes.
Slurms: Stop right there!
Bender: Slurms McKenzie!
Slurms: Shh! I want you to take me with you.
Fry: Say what?
Slurms: I'm partied out. All I want is to stay home and rent videos
and watch them with a few friends. Is that so much to ask?
Bender: Forget it, pal. It says on this bottle cap that you have to
party with us.
Slurms: Alright, when we get to Earth. But please, don't invite too
many people. I want to keep it small.
Bender: No can do, Slurms.
% The Slurm Queen surprises them, crashing through a nearby wall, and
% Slurms leads them through a cave-in area on the side wall to run away.
% As the Queen gains, Slurms begs his friends to go on without him. He
% explains that he's tired of partying, and promises to save them the
% only way he knows how ... by partying. After bidding farewell to his
% babes, he blasts his trademark rock music and starts rocking so hard
% that the ceiling begins to fall away. His last words to his departing
% friends are "Party on, contest winners!" ... and he's finally buried
% by his own jam-session. The music breaks down and the Slurm Queen
% runs into an immovable barrier of rocks. She gives up and whimpers to
% the Glermos that her company is ruined because "They know our
% disgusting secret." She calms herself by nursing on her own Slurm.
% The Planet Express ship finally escapes Wormulon's atmosphere and
% Professor Farnsworth makes an emergency videophone call from the ship
% to the "Bureau of Soft Drinks, Tobacco and Firearms."
Prof.: Commissioner, my crew has made a horrific discovery. It
seems that Slurm is produced in a colossal worm heinie.
Comm.: Hmm. "Heinie," you say? Why, with your testimony we'll
finally be able to outlaw this insidious Slurm.
Fry: Outlaw Slurm?! [Fry takes the phone] Uh, don't pay any
attention to him, sir. Grandpa's making up crazy stories
again.
Prof.: I'm not your grandpa. You're my uncle. From the year 2000!
[Fry makes some "he's crazy" hand-motions]
Comm.: Okay, grandpa, we'll take care of the bad worms. Don't you
worry.
[he hangs up; Fry breaks into a Slurm]
Fry: Ah, I just wish Slurms McKenzie were here to enjoy this with
me.
Bender: Yeah, that Slurms sure loved to party. What do you say we
all party one last time for him?
Leela: For Slurms.
[they toast their Slurm cans]
All: For Slurms.
Zoidberg: Whammy Wozzle.
% Slurms' rock music begins again, and his two babes walk in the center
% of the cockpit to dance. Bender slurps down his Slurm and contends
% that it doesn't taste that bad ... meanwhile, Fry is on the floor
% slurping down the excess Slurm that's pouring out of the hole in
% Bender's torso.
% Roll Credits (7:08)
========================================================================
= Contributers =
{da} David Antonoff {jk} Joe Klemm
{ddg} Don Del Grande {mp} Mark Poyser
{dj3} Doug Jacobson {rb} Rich Bunnell
{dt} Daniel Tropea {sh3} Scott Hiland
{es} Eric Sansoni {sof} Sean O'Flaherty
{hl} Haynes Lee {th2} Tim Harrod
{jb} Jason Barrera {woh} Will O'Hargan
========================================================================
Honey comes from a bee's behind, lawyers = First posted : 12-Dec-1999
come from a bull's behind and this capsule = Revision A : 12-Dec-1999
comes from Jordan Eisenberg's behind. = E-mail me: <jed...@aol.com>
Available on the web at: <http://futurama.simplenet.com/capsules/1ACV13.txt>