"Hell is Other Robots (1ACV09)" Episode Capsule Part Three
Jordan Eisenberg
% by Leela and Fry, who have brought Nibbler along on a leash. What
% remains of their friend is a fossilized Bender-sillhouette in the
% floor that drags itself out into the hallway and turns the corner.
Leela: What in hell happened to Bender?
Fry: Well, he didn't check out. The ashtray's still here.
[Nibbler lets out a high-pitched barking sound]
Fry: Look, Nibbler's picked up the scent of vodka and motor oil!
% With Nibbler hot on the trail, the two of them rush out the room to
% follow. Meanwhile, Bender is being taken on a ride through the many
% catacombs inside Robot Hell. He is strapped down with chains to a
% hand cart, with the Robot Devil in the seat behind him, whip in hand.
Bender: I'm hallucinating this, right?
Devil: [whips him] No, Bender, Robot Hell is quite real! Here's our
brochure.
[he hands Bender a brochure reading "Hell is Other Robots"]
Bender: But I don't like things that are scary and painful.
Devil: Sorry, Bender, you agreed to this when you joined our
religion. If you sin, you go to Robot Hell for all eternity!
Bender: Aw, hell. [panics] Oh, I mean, "heck."
Devil: It's alright. You can say that here.
% Nibbler's pursuit takes them to a ratty, run-down Atlantic City
% amusement park called "Reckless Ted's Funland." Fry recognizes the
% park, and explains to Leela that "it was shut down after all those
% people got salmonella from the flume ride." They're dragged inside a
% dark fun-house building labelled "The Inferno," and Leela spots a
% button on the wall. The button is shaped like the Robotology symbol
% seen throughout the episode, and once activated, it slides open a
% particular funhouse mirror, revealing a window into the horrible
% torture chambers of Robot Hell.
Fry: Unbelievable! It's an actual, factual Robot Hell!
Leela: Who would've thought Hell would really exist ... and that it
would be in New Jersey?
Fry: Actually ...
% A trap door snaps underneath them, and they drop onto a long, winding
% fun slide leading down into Hell. Meanwhile, Bender is having some
% troubles of his own.
[What follows now is the musical number. Thanks to Matt Riley for
checking all the lyrics against the closed captioning to ensure
accuracy. To read the lyrics without the action descriptions, please
see "Final Thoughts / Comments."]
% Bender and the Devil are in a small sector of Hell marked "Level One,"
% accompanied by a Vegas-style band of metallic-red robots.
Devil: We know _all_ your sins, Bender, and for each one we've
prepared an agonizing and ironic punishment! Gentlemen?
% He gestures to the band, who begin their up-tempo music. Hearing this
% Bender woefully lifts a cigar to his mouth.
Bender: Aw, crap ... singing! Mind if I smoke?
% The Devil grabs Bender's cigar away, and rubs the flame out against
% Bender's chest.
[singing begins]
Devil: Cigars are evil; you won't miss 'em.
We'll find ways to simulate that smell.
What a sorry fella, rolled up and smoked like a panatella.
Here on level one of Robot Hell!
% As he sings this, the Devil and a few of his helpers wrap Bender up
% with a huge sheet of paper and set fire to his head, while one of them
% inhales the other end and blows smoke-circles. Having learned his
% first lesson, Bender is unravelled and dropped into another room
% below. The room is furnished with an active poker table and a huge
% roulette wheel. Bender lands into his own seat beside the table.
Devil: Gambling's wrong and so is cheating,
so is forging phony IOU's.
Let's let lady luck decide
what type of torture's justified.
I'm pit boss here on level two.
% Accompanying this verse, Bender is dealt a poker hand, and caught by
% the Devil when he tries to cheat by swapping them with extra Aces he
% has stored away in his chest cavity. Two kicklines of scantily clad
% fem-bots entertain our hero, now strapped flat against the roulette
% wheel, and wincing when the Devil sends him for a spin. His antennae
% taps against the pins set up outside the wheel until he comes to a
% stop, with the antennae pointing at the sector marked "Deep-Fry." The
% Devil remarks "Ooh, deep-fried robot!" and throws Bender into an
% oversized deep-frier, where he's lifted in and out of steaming-hot
% grease.
Bender: Just tell me why!
Devil: Please read this fifty-five page warrant.
Bender: There must be robots worse than I!
Devil: We checked around, there really aren't.
Bender: Then please let me explain;
My crimes were merely boyish pranks.
Devil: You stole from boy scouts, nuns, and banks!
Bender: Aw, don't blame me, blame my upbringing!
Devil: Please stop sinning while I'm singing!
% Having been tossed out of the deep frier and placed on the floor to
% perform this groveling of his, Bender uses the opportunity to swipe
% the Devil's wallet when he momentarily turns away. The Devil
% retaliates by ripping Bender's arm from its socket before he even
% reaches the wallet, and then kicking him down through another hole to
% another room below. On a table in this new room sit the three Beastie
% Boys heads, who join in on the song.
Devil: Selling bootleg tapes is wrong.
Musicians need that income to survive.
B-Boys: Hey Bender gonna make some noise
With your hard drive scratched by the Beastie Boys!
[a few seconds of scratching noises]
That's whatcha, whatcha, whatcha get on level five!
% The Devil lifts Bender up by the feet and shakes a swarm of bootlegged
% Beastie Boys tapes from his chest cavity. He then reaches in and
% removes Bender's "hard drive" (which looks like a traditional 20th-
% century model), placing it in front of the Beastie Boys so that one of
% them may scratch it back and forth with his tongue. We cut over to
% Fry and Leela, who continue to twist and turn down an endless slide.
Fry: I don't feel well.
Leela: It's up to us to rescue him.
Fry: Maybe he likes it here in hell.
Leela: It's us who tempted him to sin.
Fry: Maybe he's back at the motel.
Leela: Come on Fry, don't be scared,
I'm sure at least one of us will be spared.
So just sit back; enjoy the ride.
Fry: My ass has blisters from the slide.
% They move on downward, with no end in sight. Back to Bender, who's
% being taken further underground in an elevator, and helplessly
% enduring the Devil's searching and rummaging through his chest cavity.
% The Devil pulls out various items as examples of Bender's sins. When
% the ride is over, the Devil kicks his companion out into a puddle of
% slime and towers over him. Here's what the lyrics of this verse were:
Devil: Fencing diamonds, fixing cockfights,
Publishing indecent magazines.
You'll pay for every crime,
Knee-deep in electric slime.
You'll suffer 'till the end of time,
Enduring tortures, most of which rhyme.
Trapped forever here in Robot Hell!
% In a final extraveganze, the Devil tosses his tophat in the air, and
% rows of yellow sparks explode from the ground like a garden of
% fountains. When it all settles, the music turns to silence, and the
% Robot Devil stands impatiently before Bender.
Devil: [dryly] Of course, that's just for starters.
[end of musical number]
% Bender and the Devil are joined by Fry and Leela, who drop, screaming,
% from the sky. They take one look at the Devil and jump back in fear.
Fry: Bender, are you alright?
Bender: [in anguish] No! Oh, they're tormenting me with up-tempo
singing and dancing!
Leela: [to Devil] Alright, Beelzebot, what'll it take to get our
friend back?
Devil: Sorry, but _I_ hold all the cards here. There's nothing you
can do. Now, just sign this fiddle-contest waiver ...
[he produces a contract and a pen; Leela prevents Fry from
signing it on the spot]
Leela: Wait ... what fiddle contest?
Devil: [with blase] The "Fairness in Hell Act of 2275" requires me
to inform you that if you can best me in a fiddle contest, you
win back Bender's soul. As well as a solid-gold fiddle.
Fry: Wouldn't a solid-gold fiddle weigh hundreds of pounds and
sound crummy?
Devil: Well, it's mostly for show.
[he holds up the sparkling gold fiddle for them to see]
Leela: [whispers to Fry] Do you know how to play the fiddle?
Fry: [whispers back] No. Do you?
Leela: [whispering] No, but I used to play the drums. They're
sorta' similar. [to Devil] What happens if we lose?
Devil: You'll only win a smaller silver fiddle. Also, I guess I'll
kill one of you. Uh ... him.
% He points at Fry, and Leela agrees to the conditions. Fry gasps at
% each progression, but is helpless to stop the contest from enduring.
% The Devil's turn comes first, and he displays some marvelous
% handiwork, utilizing both his hand and his tail to play a quick
% melody. The crew watch worriedly, and Bender sighs. "Well, we're
% boned!" The Devil finishes his performance and hands the fiddle to
% Leela. Leela's skills with the fiddle are complemented by each of her
% friends cupping his hands over his ears. "Time for the drum solo,"
% she exclaims as she brings the golden fiddle down over Beelzebot's
% head repeatedly, listening to his girlish screams, and then rushing
% away, followed by Bender and Fry.
% The natives of Hell swarm after our heros at the Devil's command,
% among them being a species of oversized, metallic moths. The moths
% shoot yellow, halo-shaped laser beams out of their tails at the
% escaping fugitives, and swoop down over them. Thinking quickly,
% Bender ducks and reaches up to yank the wings off of a low-flying
% specimen, and attaches them to himself, allowing him to swoop down and
% pull his friends from a tight situation involving pitchforks. (Ouch!)
% As Bender flaps his new wings and carries his fellow refugees up
% towards freedom, the Devil orders his minions to attack. "Stop them,
% they cheated!"
% One moth-bot takes its last chance to shower the three with laser
% beams. Two of them miss, and one of them catches itself on Bender's
% antennae, resting there for a moment. The "Hallelujah" chorus begins
% playing out of nowhere to accompany Bender's rise from hell, donned
% with a temporary halo. They're approaching the light from above fast,
% but the circular opening is being pulled shut by the natives. Leela
% urges Bender to hurry up, but Bender lashes back: "I _could_, if you'd
% drop the stupid gold fiddle!" She apologizes and lets go of the
% fiddle, sending it down into hell, for one last slam against the Robot
% Devil's head. He whimpers. The crew slip through Hell's shrinking
% exit at the last second, and find themselves flying above the Atlantic
% City shoreline to safety. Fry and Leela are still in Bender's arms.
[all three cheer]
Bender: Don't worry, guys! I'll never be too good or too evil again.
From now on, I'll just be me.
Leela: Uh, do you think you could be just a little _less_ evil than
that?
Bender: I dunno ... do you think you could survive a 700-foot fall?
Fry: [laughs] Good ol' Bender.
% They fly into the distance.
% End of Act Three (6:06)
========================================================================
= Contributers =
{bk} Brendan Keane {jl2} Jake Lennington
{br} Benjamin Robinson {jr} Jeremy Reaban
{cm} Carlos May {mm} Michael Morbius
{ct} Castor Troy {pm} Prez Midnite
{ds} Dave Sweatt {rdb} Reznic de Bergerac
{hh} Heather Holder {rxs} Robert X. Smith
{hl} Haynes Lee {sam} Steven Aaron Monroe
{jf} Jeff Foster {th} Todd Hoppman
{jk} Joe Klemm {tk} Timothy Kramp
{jl} John Lorentz
========================================================================
Futurama and its characters are the ==== First uploaded: 06-Jul-1999
properties of 20th Century Fox. What ==== Revision A : ??-???-1999
kind of disclaimer is this? There's no ==== E-mail me: <jed...@aol.com>
copyright notice and only one hooker! ================================
By Jordan "Sailing Unit" Eisenberg. ================================
Available on the web at: <http://futurama.simplenet.com/episodes/1ACV09.txt>