Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Yule Be Sorry
Ubiquitous
We open with SLop dressed in mismatching red shirt and slacks on a
sleigh that just crashed into a tree with what appears to be asbestos
snow on it.
She tells us about her gift for the holidays, "time". I thought it was
"indigestion". She introduces her recipes and announces it even comes
with snow! Her Xmas comes with snow?
SLop returns from commercial break with this extra wild-eyed look on her
face and exclaims "Whoot! It's cold outside, baby!" I don't believe it
for a second and now I know that wasn't asbestas snow, if you get my
drift.
She starts with the bourbon glaze. As usual, she warns us not to pour
alcohol over an open flame. What open flame? She adds honey and molasses
to add favour and color to the glaze (and of course, sugar). She then
adds orange marmalade and turns on the stove with a "Whoot!" She
explains that the pieces of peel become candy and the glaze would be
great on turkey too; As you recall, this is used when the turkey doesn't
brown properly on Thanksgiving. She pulls out a "bonin'" ham and cuts
pretty little diamonds into it. Luckily, she doesn't make them
triangular this time. She makes the cuts 2 inches deep instead of
just scoring it. We are to heat it in the oven so that it's cooked and
free of bacteria that could make us sick. Imagine that. She sticks
cloves into the intersections on the ham, making it vaguely resemble
Pinhead the Cerebite.
Is it me or is there an inordinate amount of fat on the bottom of that
ham? She "literally" pours half the glaze over the ham, dislodging most
of the cloves in the process.
She next makes a candied ham souffle. Two large cans of yams are
strained, but before she mashes them she makes a sugar con mixture to
add the them. She tells us that instead of marshmallows she use
marshmallow fluff, "the kind we put into our fudge". She then starts to
mash the yams. How do her boobs rest on her elbows like that? SLop then
begins to announce what else she's going to make but seems to forget
just what it is she's going to make. We head out to commercial with a
clip of her trying to carry a tree and walk at the same time.
We see an ad for FN's Seasons Eatings marathon, but there seems to be no
sign of SLop in it. Yay! Shortly after, we also see Ruth Reichel (Editor
of Gourmet Magazine) denouncing SLop's culinary crimes. Well, actually,
she's just shilling her magazine, which strikes me as an odd place to do
it.
We return from commercial break with the MV Yule-be-Sorry log (If it
looks this bad when MV made it I cannot comprehend how craptastic SLop's
will be!) and the candied yam faux-souffle. My gawd, there's gotta be
three inches of fluff on that thing! She adds the butter mixture to the
mashed yams because she's making candied yams souffle (really now?) and
mashes it together. "No more mashing needed!", she exclaims. She then
adds a little bit of cinnamon and spice ("or shall I say nutmeg?") and
puts it into a baking dish. SLop then invites us to look at her Xmas
window treatment that she made from 10 foot long remnants and says it
looks a lot like Xmas in her kitchen. It looks a lot like "Ass-mass" to
me. She spreads the yams into a pan and frosts it with marshmallow fluff
instead of marshmallows because it "looks more professional" when the
top is smoothed instead of bumpy, which is how you know they came from a
package. She puts the yams into the oven and then opens
the other oven to baste the ham when something odd happens. We see her
hands opening the door and saying "and, I want to put a second" and it
suddenly cuts to her opening the door and saying "Look at this! Isn't
that gorgeous? I want to put a second layer of glaze onto the ham". Hmm,
I wonder what happened?
She then shares her best secret ever, making a faux yule log with a
ho-ho of Biblical proportions. She takes a tub of whipped topping that
entered some sort of culinary witness protection plan so its identity
was blurred, but it was obviously Cool Whip cool whip and announces that
in five minutes you'll have a yule log. No constipation jokes, please.
She then grabs a knife and fork, but not to eat it, but to make it look
like bark and to add spirals on the ends. At this point it looks like a
dried out white dog turd. She dusts the log with coca powder and tells
us how to dust the ends, by tipping the log but not letting it fall of
the plate. Brilliant, SLop. She then makes mushrooms
by toothpicking mini-marshmallows to Hershey chocolate kisses, but they
looks nothing like mushrooms. She then puts the log into the fridge,
because after all, it IS whipped topping, and pulls out the ham from the
oven and OMG! It looks like some sort of porcine blooming onion! She
pulls out the yams but it looks like an unbaked pie of some sort. As we
go to commercial, we see SLop falling over and trying to make a snow
angel in two inches of snow. Idiot.
We see another promo for FN's Season's Eating featuring a quick cut of
SLop with her eyes bugging out over a humungous martini glass full of
gawd-knows-what and walking stage left.
SLop returns to tell us that no holiday is complete without cookies and
cocktails, which is a good thing because someone forgot to put up the
"Cocktail Time!" graphic, then procedes to make a "Santa Slay" with a
cup of brandy, a cup of Ameretto and two cups of eggnog, except that's
not eggnog; it's a container of eggnog-flavored coffemate! When she
dumps it in, it appears to be curdled. She then adds nutmeg and some
vanilla ice cream, reminding us to eliminate the booze if you make it
for kids. She them pulses it in the blender and, miracle of miracles,
she actually pulses it instead of letting it run for 30 seconds. She
prepares a nifty way to sugar the serving glasses by moistening her
finger with brandy, rubbing it on the rim, and then dipping the glass
into a "sugar glass". SLop announces she'll be drinking these while
making the cookies for us (Whoot!) and garnishes the giant glasses with
a candy cane. She then makes her candy cane cookies with sugar cookie
dough from a glad bag and food coloring. She blames this recipe
on Collen, her "friend". She separates the dough and uses an entire
bottle of red food coloring on half to make sure it doesn't turn out
pink. She announces what a fine color the dough is and the camera cuts
to a wad of florescent blood-red dough. Yikes. She makes tubes of dough
and "literally" braids them together and then trims the extra so they
all match. There's gotta be a better way to do that... In a not so
strange sense of deja vu, SLop grabs a drink and the cookies,and heads
off to show us her tablescape. We fade to commercial with a clip of SLop
failing to run and throw a snowball at the same time.
We return from the break to SLop shilling some sort of ornament
decorating kits consisting of glue letters and glitter. The camera cuts
to her boobs and then pans to the lame ornaments. Heh. She makes X-mas
cards from blanks and glues scrap booking embellishments onto them. She
then suggests using clear l'eggs containers with little gifts inside
which also double as Xmas ornaments, not-so-subtley suggesting a diamond
ring to The Wallet and a dollar bill for her nephew, Scotty, who LOVES
money. SLop says she has to run because her guests are about to arrive
(ha!) and exits stage right.
--
WARNING!!!
Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget,
standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We
assume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating
the "food" or being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not
sure where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of
Miss Lee.
pe...@verizon.net
(Ubiquitous) wrote:
>We open with SLop dressed in mismatching red shirt and slacks on a sleigh
>that just crashed into a tree with what appears to be asbestos snow on it.
>She tells us about her gift for the holidays, "time". I thought it was
>"indigestion". She introduces her recipes and announces it even comes with
>snow! Her Xmas comes with snow?
<snipped to save space, but well worth the read>
Ubiquitous, this post had me literally crying, I was laughing so hard.
Seeing the actually episodes makes your reviews even more hilarious.
Keep up the good work!
pepsi
Bernice Abrams
>and pulls out the ham from the oven and OMG! It looks like some sort of porcine
>blooming onion!
Holy cow (or pig), I have never seen someone NOT trim the fat. It DID loook like
a "porcine blooming onion," Ubi, - that is too funny!
>As we go to commercial, we see SLop falling over and trying to make a snow
>angel in two inches of snow. Idiot.
When SL was making the snow angel, her knees were wet. How did that happen?
Giving the wallet a BJ on the snow covered picnic table, perhaps?
>She then suggests using clear l'eggs containers with little gifts inside
>which also double as Xmas ornaments, not-so-subtley suggesting a diamond
>ring to The Wallet and a dollar bill for her nephew, Scotty, who LOVES money.
The plastic ornaments with dollars inside were probably a thousand times tackier
than anything I've ever seen. What, the kids arrive and start stripping the tree?
My favorite moment was when she was wrestling the ham into the over and it
ended up resting her left boob on the glaze for a moment. I kept looking for
the wet spot during the rest of the show. I had to say that.
Default User
Ubiquitous wrote:
> We open with SLop dressed in mismatching red shirt and slacks on a
sleigh
> that just crashed into a tree with what appears to be asbestos snow
on it.
> She tells us about her gift for the holidays, "time". I thought it
was
> "indigestion". She introduces her recipes and announces it even comes
with
> snow! Her Xmas comes with snow?
You should be ashamed of yourself. Due to your electronical messages
posted on the Inter-Net, I have become aware of this SLop person and
ended up watching this program.
> She makes the cuts 2 inches deep instead of
> just scoring it.
No kidding, I thought she was doing an autopsy on the poor ham. A very
special holiday episode of CSI: Food Network.
> Is it me or is there an inordinate amount of fat on the bottom of
that ham?
> She "literally" pours half the glaze over the ham, dislodging most of
the
> cloves in the process.
Didyanotice her fumbling the ham on the way into the oven, leading to a
tittie rub on the piece o' pork.
> She takes a tub of whipped topping that entered
> some sort of culinary witness protection plan so its identity was
blurred,
> but it was obviously Cool Whip cool whip and announces that in five
minutes
> you'll have a yule log.
It wasn't even blurred enough to really obscure the letters. I guess
Cool Whip refused to cough up any dough for a product placement.
> She then makes mushrooms
> by toothpicking mini-marshmallows to Hershey chocolate kisses, but
they looks
> nothing like mushrooms.
Another didyanotice, she puts the faux shrooms on, the goes to sprinkle
powdered sugar. When the closeup comes, you can see they were powdered
once and then sort of wiped off. How many takes does it take to powder
a chocolate mushroom?
> a dollar bill for her nephew, Scotty, who LOVES money.
Yeah, kids who like money go ecstatic over a buck. That's about the
equivalent of a dime when I was a kid.
Brian
Tracy Champion
2/3 cup of bourbon. That seems like an awful lot to me. Alton Brown's Ham
Glaze calls for one ounce. And why does she use an expensive bourbon to cook
but uses cheap crap for her drinks? Love that she instructs to NOT get the
booze near the non-existent flame. Ooh, look at me, I'm Sandra Lee and I'm
VERY careful! Sandy, don't get those boobs too close to an open flame or
it'll be FTV's answer to Mrs. O'Leary's cow!
I bet Dr. Charles is "literally" glued to the set right now dreaming of him
and Sandy Loo cooking up a big batch o' yams! That is a ghastly amount of
cinnamon and nutmeg.
Check out my kitchen! Isn't that cute. Did she really say the gak came from
the crap store?
The bumpy ridge means it came right from package but nothing says
professional chef like jarred marshmallow fluff. I bet Mario has a whole
pantry full of it behind that map of Italy!
If you've got 5 minutes, you've got a Yule (be sorry) log. I swear she has
never looked more idiotic than making her spirals in the cool whip on the
ends of the log. OOh, don't let it slide off the plate. NOW that does sound
like a good suggestion. Don't let the food slide off the plate. I'll remember
that one. Thank you Sandy!
That ham looks like all kinds of ass. Did I already say that?
Snow angel alert. GAWD where is the brain bleach? If she's gonna do crazy ass
$**t like that, Imonna need to keep a gallon and a half close by the t.v.
When you serve Santa's Slay to the kitties you can eliminate the alcohol.
Who knew that cats don't like alcohol? What is the sugar glass? Candy canes
make the drink look like they came right off Santa's sleigh? She's had too
many already!
An enitre container of red food coloring. She is just so goddamed proud of
herself for being able to roll out cookie dough into long strands, which if
I remember correctly is something most of us learned to do in pre-K with
PlayDough.
See you in a quick little minute. Not one of those agonizingly long 60 second
minutes. Hey, Sandra Lee reinvents time!! Where is Science Digest? Get GMT
on the phone.
Oh No the tablescape must be up next. What is she doing with a menorah? After
the craptacular Star of David cake I would think Jews everywhere would have
filed a restraining order against her ever trying to honor their culture
again.
Embellish smellish. Is she shilling ornament kits. Nothing says love like a
plastic peel and stick!
Everyone will be clamoring for those dollar bills cuz we all just looooove
moooney, like little Scotty.
Why does she keep bowing as she chants her semi-homade closing mantra? (Keep
it stupid, keep it tacky, keep it inedible.) Is she channeling a geisha or
does she have something serious up her butt?
Mausness
Ubiquitous...LOVED the review!
Mausness
Rob
"Mausness" <maus...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:1104179946....@z14g2000cwz.googlegroups.com...
> Her hat was falling off - she did the whole ep hunchback to keep it on!
> Ubiquitous...LOVED the review!
>
> Mausness
>
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha -- ha = Ha ... Ha Ha
Ubiquitous
wrote:
>Ubiquitous, this post had me literally crying, I was laughing so hard.
>Seeing the actually episodes makes your reviews even more hilarious.
>Keep up the good work!
Thanks!
--
======================================================================
ISLAM: Winning the hearts and minds of the world, one bomb at a time.
Ubiquitous
defaul...@yahoo.com wrote:
>Ubiquitous wrote:
>> We open with SLop dressed in mismatching red shirt and slacks on a
>> sleigh that just crashed into a tree with what appears to be asbestos
>> snow on it. She tells us about her gift for the holidays, "time". I
>> thought it was "indigestion". She introduces her recipes and announces
>> it even comes with snow! Her Xmas comes with snow?
>
>You should be ashamed of yourself. Due to your electronical messages
>posted on the Inter-Net, I have become aware of this SLop person and
>ended up watching this program.
Bwah ha ha!
>> She makes the cuts 2 inches deep instead of just scoring it.
>
>No kidding, I thought she was doing an autopsy on the poor ham. A very
>special holiday episode of CSI: Food Network.
Shhh! Don't give the producers of CSI an idea for yet ANOTHER spin-off!
:-(
>> Is it me or is there an inordinate amount of fat on the bottom of
>> that ham? She "literally" pours half the glaze over the ham,
>> dislodging most of the cloves in the process.
>
>Didyanotice her fumbling the ham on the way into the oven, leading to a
>tittie rub on the piece o' pork.
That I did. In the scene immediately after, her sweater was suddenly
dried and cleaned, which makes me wonder why they just didn't redo
the whole scene.
>> She takes a tub of whipped topping that entered
>> some sort of culinary witness protection plan so its identity was
>> blurred, but it was obviously Cool Whip cool whip and announces that
>> in five minutes you'll have a yule log.
>
>It wasn't even blurred enough to really obscure the letters. I guess
>Cool Whip refused to cough up any dough for a product placement.
The same thing happened in a later episode.
You should have seen what they did to hide the identity of a bottle
of French's mustard; someone took a black marker and filled in the
word of their label, leaving the tradmark flag with "French's" in
thick black marker!
>> She then makes mushrooms by toothpicking mini-marshmallows to Hershey
>> chocolate kisses, but they looks nothing like mushrooms.
>
>Another didyanotice, she puts the faux shrooms on, the goes to sprinkle
>powdered sugar. When the closeup comes, you can see they were powdered
>once and then sort of wiped off. How many takes does it take to powder
>a chocolate mushroom?
No, I never noticed that. I guess I was distracted by the sheer
sillyness of trying to pass those off as looking like mushrooms.
>> a dollar bill for her nephew, Scotty, who LOVES money.
>
>Yeah, kids who like money go ecstatic over a buck. That's about the
>equivalent of a dime when I was a kid.
Heh.
Ubiquitous
maus...@yahoo.com wrote:
>Her hat was falling off - she did the whole ep hunchback to keep it on!
>Ubiquitous...LOVED the review!
Thanks!
projectile vomit chick
> We open with SLop dressed in mismatching red shirt and slacks on a sleigh
> that just crashed into a tree with what appears to be asbestos snow on it.
> She tells us about her gift for the holidays, "time". I thought it was
> "indigestion". She introduces her recipes and announces it even comes with
> snow! Her Xmas comes with snow?
> SLop returns from commercial break with this extra wild-eyed look on her face
> and exclaims "Whoot! It's cold outside, baby!" I don't believe it for a
> second and now I know that wasn't asbestas snow, if you get my drift.
Michael OConnor
My personal favorites:
We are to heat it in the oven so that it's cooked and free
> of bacteria that could make us sick. Imagine that. She sticks cloves into
> the intersections on the ham, making it vaguely resemble Pinhead the Cerebite.
> then invites us to look at her Xmas window treatment that she made from 10
> foot long remnants and says it looks a lot like Xmas in her kitchen. It looks
> a lot like "Ass-mass" to me.
> some sort of culinary witness protection plan so its identity was blurred,
> but it was obviously Cool Whip cool whip and announces that in five minutes
> you'll have a yule log. No constipation jokes, please.
> all, it IS whipped topping, and pulls out the ham from the oven and OMG! It
> looks like some sort of porcine blooming onion! She pulls out the yams but it
> looks like an unbaked pie of some sort. As we go to commercial, we see SLop
> falling over and trying to make a snow angel in two inches of snow. Idiot
>
> cocktails, which is a good thing because someone forgot to put up the
> "Cocktail Time!" graphic, then procedes to make a "Santa Slay" with a cup
> of brandy, a cup of Ameretto and two cups of eggnog, except that's not
> eggnog; it's a container of eggnog-flavored coffemate! When she dumps it in,
> it appears to be curdled.
> what a fine color the dough is and the camera cuts to a wad of florescent
> blood-red dough. Yikes
Michael Black
>
> We open with SLop dressed in mismatching red shirt and slacks on a
> sleigh that just crashed into a tree with what appears to be asbestos
> snow on it.
> She tells us about her gift for the holidays, "time". I thought it was
> "indigestion". She introduces her recipes and announces it even comes
> with snow! Her Xmas comes with snow?
>
Michael
Ubiquitous
Ubiquitous
Groupkilla
> We open with SLop dressed