Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Sandra Lee's Semi-Homemade Thanksgiving
Ubiquitous
SLop enters our view with a horse (no nag jokes, please). Hmm, they seem
to be using extra gauze and Vaseline on the lens this week. SLop babbles
on and on about being thankful for things this time of year, yada yada
yada. I'm just thankful I'm not eating at her place for Thanksgiving.
Gosh, I hope Lady's not on the menu!
We cut to the obligatory tablescape and OMG! There's a maimed pheasant on
the table!
We return to SLop walking into the faux pantry holding a wreath and
wearing a fur coat of some sort, no doubt a present from The Wallet and
starts to blah blah blah about having a nice ride. I am guessing that she
meant on Lady the horse, but I doubt that nag can manage that, and when I
say "nag", I meant SLop.
SLop tells us how to make her best marinade, then immediately calls it a
rub. What the fuck? SLop fetches a big brandy sniffer of boozed-up coffee
in the fridge and starts to chug. She tells us she'll show us how to make
it later.
SLop's "tip": Clean the bones or they'll burn. Make the butcher do it if
it's beyond your ability.
SLop's marinade is a rub made of herb dip and peppercorn seasoning, mixed
with worchester sauce. SLop confides that she cannot pronounce it. Yes,
we already know you can't say it, bitch. Remember, you confided this to
us last time you used it and at the beginning of the French Farce ep.
SLop mixes it up with a fork instead of something sensible, like a spoon.
Whoah! Stunt rub! The rub is suddenly all mixed up and heaped into a
corner of the pan. it's also considerably darker than it was a few
seconds ago.
SLop's "tip": The butcher can tie the roast up for you. This is what, the
THIRD time you've told us this?
SLop smears the rub on meat, with a fork.
SLop tells us that crown roast feeds a lot of people and is elegant. You
can even serve it in addition to the turkey!
SLop's "tip": Cover bone tips with aluminum foil so they don't burn (or
use tiny chef hats) SLop couldn't find any for some reason in ten stores
(yet she manages to find "truffle oil" and other weird ingredients), so
she's using aluminum foil this time. Real classy lookin', SLop.
SLop's "tip": Take the foil off the bones before serving!
SLop starts to work on the stuffing. She tells us to take some spicy
Italian sausage, remove it from the casings, and crumble it. SLop puts
the split sausage into the pan and then starts removing the contents from
their casings. Yes, IN THE PAN. She then crumbles it with a fork and adds
condensed golden mushroom soup, which makes it "creamy and delicious"
(why does she always describe food with those two words?). Oh, she forgot
to include "salty" too. SLop then kicks it up a notch by adding a can of
chicken stock. Wow, looks like diarrhea...
SLop pulls out a fully-cooked roast and sets it aside to rest. "Mmmm,
very nice!"
SLop dumps a packet of instant mushroom onion soup mix and parsley for
the stuffing. She likes dried herbs because they are stronger, which is
why she uses them. Once the sauce thickens she dumps half a package of
croutons into the mix and makes extra for snacking on later. She then
scoops the vomitous stuffing into the crown roast. SLop adds a little
water into the bottom of the pan so when the juices dry up the pan will
still be moist. Whatever. SLop then proceeds to put the pan back into the
oven but has trouble opening the door with the pan in her hands. SLop's
touret's kicks in and she lets out a loud "I need a third hand. Whoooot!"
as she clumsily gets the pan into the oven. She then promises to show us
how to make her pumpkin spice cake with "Ball leaf nose scrape".
We fade to a promo for "Let's Talk Turkey!". Hmm, no sign of SLop to be
seen anywhere...
SLop tells us we need canned pumpkin and orange liquor to make a good
spice cake. She pulls out the roast again to await its final fate. SLop
mixes up a package of yellow cake mix and a package of spice cake mix.
She takes the spice package which is normally used for the bundt cake
"swirl" and dumps it into the mix. SLop breathlessly announces her secret
ingredient: pumpkin pie spice. Hmm, a copper-colored KA mixer.
SLop then butters the pan with a stick of butter. SL loves the shapes of
bundt pans and takes out the extra stuffing from the oven. She then adds
flour to the Teflon pan to coat it. Hmm, kinda heavy on the butter and
flour there...
She then adds one cup of canned pumpkin to the mix. SLop explains that
she added the flour in pan because it helps the cake dough rise. Moron.
While the cake bakes, she works on the glaze. She puts a MV cake onto a
cooling rack and mixes OJ and one whole big bag of powdered sugar with a
whisk. She then adds OJ liquor (beware of open flames) and then colors it
with 20 drops of yellow food coloring and 4 drops of red to make it
orange. Unfortunately, it's the same color as Cheeze Whiz. NO SLop, that
is NOT a perfect pumpkin orange color! I guess it doesn't matter anyway
since it's going to be a centerpiece. She takes another break before
showing us how to make the "No gay bow kay". ANOTHER break? Criminy! She
puts the brown crown roast on a brown serving plate and just HAS to taste
the drippings. She has a little orgasm in her mouth but alas, she's not
going to make it into gravy this time.
We cut to a yet ANOTHER commercial break and hmm, those Helman's recipes
look so much better than SLop's concoctions. Heh. Then we see a promo
for Half Baked SLop. Hmm, I just noticed she looks SO stoned out of her
gourd at the end, where she's sitting next to a bunch of giant lollipops
wearing a pink sweater with the hair mussing her hair as she stares
vacantly into space...
We return to the show and SLop announces "Happy Thanksgiving COCKTAIL
TIME!" as the now familiar pop-up graphic reveals itself. SLop announces
she's going to make a hot apple cider toddie. What about that iced coffee
you promised earlier? SLop heats up cider and two big shots of whisky
(warning us about any open flames nearby), then takes a stick of butter
and mixes it with some nutmeg and cinnamon and ground cloves and brown
sugar in the copper KA mixing machine. SLop likes the butter because it
makes the drink rich and delicious. Yeah, what HAVEN'T you described as
"rich and delicious"? She then dumps the butter mixture into glasses with
a cinnamon stick and embellished with leaves. Hmm, she didn't use
clothespins, thank gawd. She mixes some pumpkin pie spices and graham
cracker crumbs as a topping. For a drink? The hell? SLop takes one tub of
coolwhip and mixes in some rum extract. I am totally shocked that she
didn't put it into another container to do this. SLop explains that
there's no need to mess up another bowl and that the extract will makes
the coolwhip taste fresh.
SLop then dumps the cider into a measuring cup, then into the heatproof
cognac glasses. Didn't you just tell us not to use more dishes than
necessary?
She then adds a dollop of coolwhip to each one and sprinkles the graham
cracker mix over it. Gag me with a spoon. A dessert cocktail!
SLop walks to the tablescape with a goblet of her "dessert cocktail" in
each hand and sets them down. She then shows us how to make that "no gay
foze scape": Take some leaves and bundle them with berry wire, then add
some roses, clipping long ends with a pair of pliers (I would use
scissors myself) and shoving the whole thing into the center of the cake.
I feel sorry for that poor pheasant thing on the table. She also
recommends using the extra berry wire and a leaf around the stems of
your glassware to make a beautiful glass that everyone will love. Ewww!
There's a shot of the glass filled with what looks like vomit streaked
with something white! She used umber colored tablecloth with matching
napkins so everything matches. SLop then shows us her lovely pheasant
centerpiece that she embellished with leaves and feathers, except it's
ghastly. Why didn't she use a TURKEY, for gawd's sake? SLop says she's
going to be serving the supper (which consists of crown roast and that
nasty cider) buffet-style, but for some reason put place settings at the
same table as the food. Idiot. Anyhow, SLop announces she has to refill
her cups (for "Colleen", I guess) and sways as she closes out with a lame
variation of her "Keep it semi-homemade" line.
--
WARNING!!!
Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget,
standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We
assume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating the
"food" or being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not sure
where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of Miss
Lee.
Ubiquitous
This ep starts with SLop in front of a house with Kimber. As Kimber takes the
store-bought bundt cakes inside, SLop rattles off this week's menu. What the
hell is that green thing sticking out of her grocery bag? It looks like a
green leafy vegetable of some sort, but this is SLop! I am so confused...
SLop begins working on the sweet onion tartlets by adding half of a chopped
Vidalia onion into a pan, throwing out the rest, and giving a shout out to us
about how she normally likes to use frozen ones but is going to make an
exception for Thanksgiving dinner. SLop uses pre-made pie dough to make the
crusts for the tartlettes (don't they already have mini tart shells at the
store?) with a biscuit cutter, then blind-baked the shells. As she removes
them from the oven, she comments on how they popped up perfectly. At this
point, Kimmy brings in "cwanberry molds". SLop makes a cranberry mold by
mixing (not) boiling cranberry juice, orange vodka, and cranberry jello. In
other words, jello shots! SLop puts the fluid into the fridge to set up and
removes one that MV made earlier. As Kim zests an orange, Sandie tells her not
to get the white bitter part of the orange. Kim shoots a "Gee, thanks, sis!"
look at SLop. As they decant the boozy jello into molds, SLop chirps that she
"wants no food fights this year!" because "I don't want to clean it up". I am
guessing that's because The Wallet is no longer around to clean up her
kitchen. Kim wanders off while SLop finishes the tartlets, and we bop off to
commercial break.
When we return from commercial, an awkward post-production voice over recaps
what SLop's done thus far. She starts working on the filling, announcing she
is turning off the onions because they are cooking. She mixes some milk,
"fiend" herbs, and dry onion soup mix with the onion, accompanied by another
voice-over announcing "they add great onion flavor!". She puts a little bit of
the onion into the shells, tops them off with the liquid, and sprinkles some
grated cheese on the top. She then starts on the turkey, declaring "it'll be
good because its full of herbs and butter", by creaming two sticks of butter,
poultry seasoning, minced garlic from a jar, and the contents of a garlic herb
sauce packet. SLop notes that this can be used for garlic bread too. She puts
the butter into a glad bag to make logs. In a manner reminiscent of goatse,
SLop violently dilates the turkey's anal cavity for the butter and stuffing.
Ignoring her own "Me washie handsies" advice, she cuts the butter log into
coin shapes and shoves them into the turkey beneath the skin so that the skin
is crunchy on both sides, smearing the leftover butter all over it. Too
little, too late, SLop rinses her hands off in the sink and spots some turkeys
that are conveniently wandering around in the back yard, declaring "Aren't
they cute? I almost feel guilty about them". SLop prepares the roaster pan by
placing sliced carrots and celery on bottom, along with a bag of frozen onions
(too bad she threw that vidalia from earlier away!), and can of chicken broth.
Then the turkey rape begins... she shoves in butter, then lemon slices, a
couple bags of rosemary, the rest of the frozen onions, and a final bag of
herbs. She tells us it's OK if the herbs stick out of the cavity and, ignoring
her own "Me washie handsies" advice again, shills a cheesy pop-up thermometer
in lieu of a real meat thermometer, dumps a ramikin of salt onto the turkey
butt, and puts the turkey into the oven as we bop out to commercial break
When we return from commercial SLop makes cornbread stuffing with a loaf of
cornbread (I have never seen those before), some chicken broth for great
flavor, an egg, 2 tbls from a package of Italian herb seasoning, a can of
creamed corn (for "corn chunks"), a cup of Monterey jack cheese, and
chestnuts, except SLop apparently thinks water chestnuts are chestnuts packed
in water so she used those instead. Before adding the water chestnuts, she
attempts to dice them but only manages to mulch them. As she carefully stirs
in some chicken broth, we abruptly cut to commercials.
When we return from commercial, SLop removes the turkey from the oven and
tells us not to carve it for 30 minutes, interupted by an awkward voice-over
saying "rich and moist and delicious!" and returning just in time to see her
struggling with moving the turkey to a platter using a pair of iron claws.
Beaming with some weird sense of accomplishment, she beams "Pretty good for a
girl, huh?". Yeah, whatever. She then makes gravy from the pan drippings.
I've seen gravy before and that was turkey flour soup, not gravy. Instead of
putting the roasting pan on the stove and adding flour to make gravy, she
transferred the vegtables to a strainer, dumped the contents of the pan over
the vegtables, poured the drained fluid into a fat seperator, then poured it
immediately into a saucepan before the fat could seperate, and added a packet
of poultry seasoning and "gravy flour" (whatever that is, so there's no way to
fuck up and have lumps), dirtying half a dozen dishes and removing all the fat
and good stuff from the bottom of the pan in the process.
Sandra introduces her next konkoction by announcing "And now for the yummy
vegetables!" as we suddenly cut to a shot of a pan of bacon swimming in
grease. She tries to make a version of that nasty green bean casserole
everyone makes but adds peas, onions, bacon, and a packet of garlic herb
seasoning and gives this concoction an incredibly long name, "garlic herb
french green bean and early pea casserole". SLop tells us to use tongs to toss
the casserole because the peas would get mushed if you used a spoon or fork.
Only if you tried to, moron.
Why is SLop using bath towels as potholders?
SLop atempted to make mashers with a bag of frozen roasted potatoes that she
microwaved. When she tried to mash them, it was obvious that they had become
vulcanized in the oven. In a saucepan, SLop mixed buttermilk, a half stick of
butter, and a packet of alfredo sauce (because she likes parmesian cheese,
which is what makes alfredo sauce taste so good). She whisked the contents of
the sauce pan but when she pulled the whisk out the stick of unmelted butter
was stuck to it. She added the mixture to the smashed up potatoes, producing a
grey-brown lump.
SLop pours the vomitous beans into a platter. It looks like something a cow
would hork up from one of its four stomachs.
SLop next makes some sort of appetizer with figs, mentioning that if fresh
ones are not available one can substitute dried ones. She bisects them
lengthwise, pipes goat cheese onto them, wraps them in prosciutto, sprinkles
them with pumpkin pie spice, and drizzles them with honey before putting them
in the oven and we bop out to commercial.
When we return from commercial, Sandie's removing the stuffing from the oven
and deep throats one of the figs, but we cut away to a "Mmmmm" and her
beginning her Native American Indian pudding by mixing muffin mix,
butterscotch pudding (an old Native American tradition), eggs, molasses,
ginger, and brown cinnamon (noting that pumpkin pie spice can be substituted).
She combines the dry ingredients and the wet ones separately, because the
molasses is too thick to dump directly into the dry ingredients. Pouring the
wet ingredients into the dry, she exclaims "You can see how rich this is!" and
whisks them and pours it into a slow cooker insert. This time we are spared
that monkey business about putting hot things in a cold crock pot (or vica
versa).
SLop next makes a wreath out of whack-a-dough biscuits. SLop tells us that she
likes to use pumpkin pie spice is everything. Oh really? She dips the biscuits
into cinnamon, takes a rolling pin to them, and stamps out leaves with a
cookie-cutter. On a baking sheet she makes a ring with the leaves, stems
pointed inward and overlapped. With the remaining dough, she makes smaller
leaves and meticulously carves veins into them. For the wreath she makes an
egg wash coating, telling us that it forms a nice sheen and shimmer and then
sprinkles it with raw sugar. Taking a wreath she already baked, she makes a
glaze with watery maple syrup (Does she top off her syrup jar with water too?)
and powdered sugar. As we bop out to commercial she announces her Mayflower
Martini
When we return from commercial, we see a montage of SLop lighting candles,
setting up her table scapes, greeting guests, etc. It appears that she has a
new family now, with the exception of Kimber. SLop enters stage left with
Rafael, a cute young Italian man who reminds me of Joey from "Friends" for
this week's "cocktail time!". Not surprisingly, she clumsily flirts with him
the entire time. Shockingly, however, she dumps the liquor Rafael used to
rinse out their glasses into the sink. Her choice of choking hazard this week
are frozen cranberries. SLop apparently looted the set where Land of the
Giants was filmed, judging by the size of the martini glasses she used.
Mayflower Martini in hand, SLop abandons Rafael to make drinks in the kitchen
while she shows us her tablescape. SLop gushes about the usual crappy table
runners and stacks of plates, and shows us how she also put table runners on
all the chairs and tied them off with ribbons. As usual, there is no room on
table for the food, for which I am sure her guests are most thankful. She took
the bundt cakes that Kimber took inside at the beginning of the show and
stuffed "nose gays" into them. She also used those jello shooters she made
earlier as place settings and put cards with everyone's name in them, and of
course, she repeated the ol' "leaves wired to stemware" trick. SLop tells us
she has to go get dressed before taking off and leaving us with a bucolic
montage of food, her guests sitting down, and a guy carving a turkey. SLop
introduces the man carving the turkey as Santos, who shoots her a withering
gaze. For those who watch Emeril's show, you will recognize Santos as one of
his sous chefs. Gee, I wonder what he did to receive this as punishment? SLop
and her poor guests begin to eat, but "strangely" enough, we never see anyone
actually put any of her Food of Shame into their mouths. SLop exclaims "This
turkey is GREAT!!", followed by a sudden cut to a man staring at her in shock
and awe. Busted, Sandie!
George Leppla
> SLop enters our view with a horse (no nag jokes, please). Hmm, they seem
> to be using extra gauze and Vaseline on the lens this week. SLop babbles
> on and on about being thankful for things this time of year, yada yada
> yada. I'm just thankful I'm not eating at her place for Thanksgiving.
> Gosh, I hope Lady's not on the menu!
You know... I sometimes enjoy these posts but I have to wonder.... if
you detest this show so much, why do you watch it? Seems to me you
could find something that would entertain or educate you rather than
wasting time on something you dislike so much.
FWIW - I don't like the show either. I saw it a couple of times to give
it a chance but didn't care for it. Fortunately, no one is forcing me
to watch it.... or report on it.
George L
Spencerdogg
So George this is what you doing since leaving avlv? Just happened
across your post and remembered you haven't been around avlv for quite
a while.
George Leppla
LOL... I go to Vegas maybe once or twice a year.... I eat and cook every
day. I still read alt.vacation.las-vegas but since I don't have any
trips planned I don't have much to say.
George L
Dave Bugg
> Ubiquitous wrote:
>> SLop enters our view with a horse (no nag jokes, please). Hmm, they
>> seem to be using extra gauze and Vaseline on the lens this week.
>> SLop babbles on and on about being thankful for things this time of
>> year, yada yada yada. I'm just thankful I'm not eating at her place
>> for Thanksgiving. Gosh, I hope Lady's not on the menu!
>
>
> You know... I sometimes enjoy these posts but I have to wonder.... if
> you detest this show so much, why do you watch it? Seems to me you
> could find something that would entertain or educate you rather than
> wasting time on something you dislike so much.
I used to enjoy these posts, too. Now these posts are tired and long in the
tooth; sort of like a TV sitcom which used to be clever and funny but fails
to recognize that it 'Jumped the Shark' long ago. It is time for a new
sitcom. I'm just going to skip these SLop posts from now on; they just
aren't that clever or funny anymore.
--
Dave
What is best in life? "To crush your enemies, see them driven before
you, and to hear the lamentation of the women." -- Conan
Anim8rFSK
George Leppla <geo...@cruisemaster.com> wrote:
We've pretty much stopped watching at this point; the money saving
schtick is just annoying and not entertaining.
--
Stargate Universe SGU: It puts the "U" in "SUCKS"!
It's the show 'Defiling Gravity' would be if DG had more regulars,
fewer abortions, worse writers, and no budget for lighting.
Remember, you can't spell "disgust" without SGU!
Steve Calvin
> George Leppla wrote:
>> Ubiquitous wrote:
>>> SLop enters our view with a horse (no nag jokes, please). Hmm, they
>>> seem to be using extra gauze and Vaseline on the lens this week.
>>> SLop babbles on and on about being thankful for things this time of
>>> year, yada yada yada. I'm just thankful I'm not eating at her place
>>> for Thanksgiving. Gosh, I hope Lady's not on the menu!
>>
>> You know... I sometimes enjoy these posts but I have to wonder.... if
>> you detest this show so much, why do you watch it? Seems to me you
>> could find something that would entertain or educate you rather than
>> wasting time on something you dislike so much.
>
> I used to enjoy these posts, too. Now these posts are tired and long in the
> tooth; sort of like a TV sitcom which used to be clever and funny but fails
> to recognize that it 'Jumped the Shark' long ago. It is time for a new
> sitcom. I'm just going to skip these SLop posts from now on; they just
> aren't that clever or funny anymore.
THANKS Dave, et. al. !
FINALLY some voices of reason join the fray. I tried and got shouted
down so I simply kf'd "it" but that doesn't help all of the replies.
Do I watch the show? No, because I don't care for it. But I don't logon
and bitch about it endlessly either.
Hopefully people will just begin to ignore the single tracked mined bore
and I won't see any of this drivel.
One can only hope.
--
Steve
p.s.: Dave - I really hope you're doing better and the meds are
working for you!
Anim8rFSK
Steve Calvin <cal...@optonline.net> wrote:
Or we could just plonk you, since you don't add a thing. You're really
so galactically stupid you're unable to not read the Sandra Lee threads?
Steve Calvin
>
> Or we could just plonk you, since you don't add a thing. You're really
> so galactically stupid you're unable to not read the Sandra Lee threads?
>
Don't bother asshole - this group is nothing but a few cross-posting
idiots spewing bullshit about one show and isn't worth taking up the
space on my groups list -
fucking ridiculous
--
Steve
Ubiquitous
>Anim8rFSK wrote:
Ad hominem noted. Get back to us when you have a real argument to make.
Anim8rFSK
Ubiquitous <web...@polaris.net> wrote:
> cal...@optonline.net wrote:
> >Anim8rFSK wrote:
>
> >> Or we could just plonk you, since you don't add a thing. You're
> >> really so galactically stupid you're unable to not read the Sandra
> >> Lee threads?
> >
> >Don't bother asshole - this group is nothing but a few cross-posting
> >idiots spewing bullshit about one show and isn't worth taking up the
> >space on my groups list -
> >
> >fucking ridiculous
>
> Ad hominem noted. Get back to us when you have a real argument to make.
Cool, he ran away yelling wee wee wee all the way home?
--
Happy 30th Anniversary
STAR TREK THE MOTION PICTURE
http://www.onedigitallife.com/images/star-trek-the-motion-picture.jpg
"The Human Adventure Is Just Beginning"
tom
"Anim8rFSK" <ANIM...@cox.net> wrote in message
news:ANIM8Rfsk-EF9D2...@news.dc1.easynews.com...
> In article <eMqdnZKIreEEOoDW...@giganews.com>,
> Ubiquitous <web...@polaris.net> wrote:
>
>> cal...@optonline.net wrote:
>> >Anim8rFSK wrote:
>>
>> >> Or we could just plonk you, since you don't add a thing. You're
>> >> really so galactically stupid you're unable to not read the Sandra
>> >> Lee threads?
>> >
>> >Don't bother asshole - this group is nothing but a few cross-posting
>> >idiots spewing bullshit about one show and isn't worth taking up the
>> >space on my groups list -
>> >
>> >fucking ridiculous
>>
>> Ad hominem noted. Get back to us when you have a real argument to make.
>
> Cool, he ran away yelling wee wee wee all the way home?
>
> --
Ubiq, Keep em coming. Some are better than others but all are better than
nothing. And a more deserving subject you'll never find.
Anim8rFSK
Ubiquitous
>We've pretty much stopped watching at this point; the money saving
>schtick is just annoying and not entertaining.
Ah, but it appears her Semihomade schtick is slowly creeping into her
new shows.
Ubiquitous
Ubiquitous
Ubiquitous
Ubiquitous
Ubiquitous
Chama
> SLop enters our view with a horse
Ubiquitous
Groupkilla
> In article <n37mc6$fm4$4...@news.albasani.net>, r...@not.here wrote:
>> Ubiquitous wrote:
>
>>> SLop enters our view with a horse
>>
>> Still haven't learned how to change channels yet, freak?
>
> Oh, look! Somoene made a new sockpuppet today!
>
>