Google Groups no longer supports new Usenet posts or subscriptions. Historical content remains viewable.
Dismiss
Guy Fieri Is The Last Unproblematic Food Person
4 views
Skip to first unread message
Ubiquitous
May 18, 2020, 11:17:35 AM5/18/20
to
I know that, for many of us, our weekend was spent dissecting the
online dustup between two internet girls who are likely both too cool
to come to my birthday Zoom, Alison Roman and Chrissy Teigen. In all
fairness, it was a completely delicious argument between a couple of
food personalities where the winner doesn't really matter. All you need
to know is that Roman, a cookbook author and recipe developer for the
New York Times (as well as a former BuzzFeed employee), put her foot
deep, deep down her own throat and pissed off Teigen, who - it turned
out, in a legitimately shocking twist - was also supposed to executive
produce Roman's forthcoming show. It's a perfect feud, and almost
everyone I know has chosen a side - even people like me, who don't
really cook and also don't really care.
The drama has forced me to think about all the milkshake-ducking that's
happened in the past several years around famous food folk. Paula
Deen's been out here using the n-word. There are plenty of
restauranteurs accused of sexual harassment and misconduct, who then
apologize ineffectively through...a pizza dough cinnamon roll recipe.
Personally, I am still struggling through the allegations that Giada
spits out the food she makes.
But you know who hasn't milkshake-ducked yet, against all odds, despite
the public's constant determination to find someone to scream at
online? A Hot Wheels car come to life, specifically the one my brother
never let me play with because it had _flames_ on it, which meant it
was the fastest. The Mayor of Flavortown: Guy Fieri.
Listen, I don't need you to read three paragraphs into this and email
me about how he was rude to you once when he signed a Lean Cuisine and
hucked it at your head. I'm sure there's something wrong with Guy
Fieri, deep down, as there is with all people who seek out public
attention or adoration for a particular skill they have, like cooking
or eating at a lot of diners or looking like a perennially surprised
Brigitte Nielsen. (Or, in my case, writing, which I'm only _fine_ at.
My personal flaw? There are too many to count, but the most pressing
one is likely that I turn the heat on when the windows are still open.)
But in a world where everyone's struggling through the quicksand of
reality, Fieri is a king among slugs. During the height of #MeToo, he
escaped unscathed. There are remarkably few stories about him being a
dick in public; in fact, the majority of public opinion is just that
he's the nicest guy. And now, the latest news coming in piping hot
from Flavortown, just like one of his recipes, such as I've Got the
Need, the Need for Fried Cheese! (Jesus Christ, buddy, I'm trying to
help you here), is that Fieri is doing a lot more for out-of-work
restaurant employees than most people. Since the coronavirus outbreak,
he's raised more than $20 million for a relief fund for restaurant
workers. You know who didn't do that?? Any of _your_ extremely chill,
fashionable faves, probably wearing $350 chunky mustard mules,
including every single one of the people on Instagram currently trying
to convince me to make bread.
A Fieri recipe can fuel you if you need to outrun a bear,
or put you into the deadest slumber of your life in case
you have to sleep off your own chronic depression.
In less than two months, Fieri's fund has already given away 40,000
grants, in part by reaching out to massive conglomerates like Pepsi
and Uber Eats to chip in. Hell of a guy, even if he keeps...doing that
to his hair and face.
You know who's on Animal Crossing? Guy is. You know who has enough
self-awareness to know that he looks like Ursula from The Little
Mermaid? Guy does. Who changed his name from "Ferry" to the
significantly more complicated "Fieri," and then also makes some of the
least-pretentious food known to humankind? That's right, it's the
creator of the Red Apple Hooch Bowla.
The idea that any of you would rather spend eight hours making shallot
jam for a shallot pasta that is, by any measure, _fine_, as opposed to
spending half an hour making queso fundido and just going ham on it
with some chips, proves to me that you are lying to no one but
yourselves. If you won't listen to me, then listen to this Shane Torres
set about Fieri, a spirited defense of the hero we need. "He goes
around the country to small businesses and gives them free advertising
on a national platform on a weekly basis," Torres said, "but because
his hair looks like he was electrocuted while drinking Mountain Dew,
people act like we need to saw his head off and put it on the
internet."
Besides, just because one of his Manhattan restaurants got ravaged by
the New York Times in a review in 2012 - a review that I read every
fiscal quarter, just to keep my hemoglobin levels up - doesn't mean his
food isn't exactly what food should be. It's big, it's flavorful, it's
easy to make, and it's dumb as hell. Is any other chef making food so
perfectly attuned to this current moment?
The idea, initially, was that this is a perfect time for someone like
Alison Roman; people are looking for food that's simple and hearty and
wholesome to feed the belly and feed the soul. Whole roasted chickens
and big-ass lasagnas and pies, god, you're all making so many pies. But
what a crisis actually requires is _garbage_. We're all in fight-or-
flight mode, which requires us to lean into our primal instincts. A
Fieri recipe can fuel you if you need to outrun a bear, or put you into
the deadest slumber of your life in case you have to sleep off your
own chronic depression. The Stew did not make me feel better, but I
imagine something called the Waka Waka Salad, which has ramen noodles,
wonton skins, and a _full cup of canola oil_ in it, might have a
fighting chance.
Beyond the fact that his food includes no fewer than three blocks of
cheese per serving, AS IT SHOULD, Fieri seems like a deeply non-awful
human being. In 2015, he performed the weddings of 101 same-sex couples
in Florida in honor of his late sister. In 2017, during that year's
California wildfires, Fieri and his team fed thousands of evacuees
every day. He did it again in 2018 after the Carr fire. He has never,
to my knowledge, said anything unkind about Marie Kondo.
It's also, frankly, a pleasure to read or follow a recipe by someone
with absolutely no pretension. There is nothing beautiful about Fieri
food. There's no status that comes with making it. People don't share
photos of Fieri recipes on Instagram after they make them. There's no
glee about using turmeric incorrectly. Many New York Times recipes are
accessible, delicious, and comforting, but some of them can tumble into
smugness and preciousness - like, for example, the way Roman dishes in
particular go from being just something you had for dinner to becoming
The Stew or The Cookies, as if there can only be one.
Fieri is for the people. His food is unfussy because it's apolitical -
a Fieri dish tells the world nothing about who made it or who enjoys
it, other than the fact that it is purely good, made for adults but
easily enjoyed by children, which is what everything should be right
now in particular.
I do realize by even writing this, I'm effectively inviting some kind
of compromising information on Fieri to be released, something that
proves the opposite of what's been proven thus far. Everyone has a past
- even, perhaps, the Mayor of Flavortown. But for now, I don't want to
know, and I don't need to know. The world is collapsing around us.
Even on my best days, I feel weakened by how poorly people can treat
each other, about the lack of empathy we're showing one another, how
fearful I am of every new day.
But for now, we have Guy Fieri. And I'm happy to ride the Guy High
through this mess, straight into a vat of Donkey Sauce. Leave me alone.
It's dark in here. I've earned this.
--
Every American should want President Trump and his administration to
handle the coronavirus epidemic effectively and successfully. Those who
seem eager to see the president fail and to call every administration
misstep a fiasco risk letting their partisanship blind them to the
demands not only of civic responsibility but of basic decency.
online dustup between two internet girls who are likely both too cool
to come to my birthday Zoom, Alison Roman and Chrissy Teigen. In all
fairness, it was a completely delicious argument between a couple of
food personalities where the winner doesn't really matter. All you need
to know is that Roman, a cookbook author and recipe developer for the
New York Times (as well as a former BuzzFeed employee), put her foot
deep, deep down her own throat and pissed off Teigen, who - it turned
out, in a legitimately shocking twist - was also supposed to executive
produce Roman's forthcoming show. It's a perfect feud, and almost
everyone I know has chosen a side - even people like me, who don't
really cook and also don't really care.
The drama has forced me to think about all the milkshake-ducking that's
happened in the past several years around famous food folk. Paula
Deen's been out here using the n-word. There are plenty of
restauranteurs accused of sexual harassment and misconduct, who then
apologize ineffectively through...a pizza dough cinnamon roll recipe.
Personally, I am still struggling through the allegations that Giada
spits out the food she makes.
But you know who hasn't milkshake-ducked yet, against all odds, despite
the public's constant determination to find someone to scream at
online? A Hot Wheels car come to life, specifically the one my brother
never let me play with because it had _flames_ on it, which meant it
was the fastest. The Mayor of Flavortown: Guy Fieri.
Listen, I don't need you to read three paragraphs into this and email
me about how he was rude to you once when he signed a Lean Cuisine and
hucked it at your head. I'm sure there's something wrong with Guy
Fieri, deep down, as there is with all people who seek out public
attention or adoration for a particular skill they have, like cooking
or eating at a lot of diners or looking like a perennially surprised
Brigitte Nielsen. (Or, in my case, writing, which I'm only _fine_ at.
My personal flaw? There are too many to count, but the most pressing
one is likely that I turn the heat on when the windows are still open.)
But in a world where everyone's struggling through the quicksand of
reality, Fieri is a king among slugs. During the height of #MeToo, he
escaped unscathed. There are remarkably few stories about him being a
dick in public; in fact, the majority of public opinion is just that
he's the nicest guy. And now, the latest news coming in piping hot
from Flavortown, just like one of his recipes, such as I've Got the
Need, the Need for Fried Cheese! (Jesus Christ, buddy, I'm trying to
help you here), is that Fieri is doing a lot more for out-of-work
restaurant employees than most people. Since the coronavirus outbreak,
he's raised more than $20 million for a relief fund for restaurant
workers. You know who didn't do that?? Any of _your_ extremely chill,
fashionable faves, probably wearing $350 chunky mustard mules,
including every single one of the people on Instagram currently trying
to convince me to make bread.
A Fieri recipe can fuel you if you need to outrun a bear,
or put you into the deadest slumber of your life in case
you have to sleep off your own chronic depression.
In less than two months, Fieri's fund has already given away 40,000
grants, in part by reaching out to massive conglomerates like Pepsi
and Uber Eats to chip in. Hell of a guy, even if he keeps...doing that
to his hair and face.
You know who's on Animal Crossing? Guy is. You know who has enough
self-awareness to know that he looks like Ursula from The Little
Mermaid? Guy does. Who changed his name from "Ferry" to the
significantly more complicated "Fieri," and then also makes some of the
least-pretentious food known to humankind? That's right, it's the
creator of the Red Apple Hooch Bowla.
The idea that any of you would rather spend eight hours making shallot
jam for a shallot pasta that is, by any measure, _fine_, as opposed to
spending half an hour making queso fundido and just going ham on it
with some chips, proves to me that you are lying to no one but
yourselves. If you won't listen to me, then listen to this Shane Torres
set about Fieri, a spirited defense of the hero we need. "He goes
around the country to small businesses and gives them free advertising
on a national platform on a weekly basis," Torres said, "but because
his hair looks like he was electrocuted while drinking Mountain Dew,
people act like we need to saw his head off and put it on the
internet."
Besides, just because one of his Manhattan restaurants got ravaged by
the New York Times in a review in 2012 - a review that I read every
fiscal quarter, just to keep my hemoglobin levels up - doesn't mean his
food isn't exactly what food should be. It's big, it's flavorful, it's
easy to make, and it's dumb as hell. Is any other chef making food so
perfectly attuned to this current moment?
The idea, initially, was that this is a perfect time for someone like
Alison Roman; people are looking for food that's simple and hearty and
wholesome to feed the belly and feed the soul. Whole roasted chickens
and big-ass lasagnas and pies, god, you're all making so many pies. But
what a crisis actually requires is _garbage_. We're all in fight-or-
flight mode, which requires us to lean into our primal instincts. A
Fieri recipe can fuel you if you need to outrun a bear, or put you into
the deadest slumber of your life in case you have to sleep off your
own chronic depression. The Stew did not make me feel better, but I
imagine something called the Waka Waka Salad, which has ramen noodles,
wonton skins, and a _full cup of canola oil_ in it, might have a
fighting chance.
Beyond the fact that his food includes no fewer than three blocks of
cheese per serving, AS IT SHOULD, Fieri seems like a deeply non-awful
human being. In 2015, he performed the weddings of 101 same-sex couples
in Florida in honor of his late sister. In 2017, during that year's
California wildfires, Fieri and his team fed thousands of evacuees
every day. He did it again in 2018 after the Carr fire. He has never,
to my knowledge, said anything unkind about Marie Kondo.
It's also, frankly, a pleasure to read or follow a recipe by someone
with absolutely no pretension. There is nothing beautiful about Fieri
food. There's no status that comes with making it. People don't share
photos of Fieri recipes on Instagram after they make them. There's no
glee about using turmeric incorrectly. Many New York Times recipes are
accessible, delicious, and comforting, but some of them can tumble into
smugness and preciousness - like, for example, the way Roman dishes in
particular go from being just something you had for dinner to becoming
The Stew or The Cookies, as if there can only be one.
Fieri is for the people. His food is unfussy because it's apolitical -
a Fieri dish tells the world nothing about who made it or who enjoys
it, other than the fact that it is purely good, made for adults but
easily enjoyed by children, which is what everything should be right
now in particular.
I do realize by even writing this, I'm effectively inviting some kind
of compromising information on Fieri to be released, something that
proves the opposite of what's been proven thus far. Everyone has a past
- even, perhaps, the Mayor of Flavortown. But for now, I don't want to
know, and I don't need to know. The world is collapsing around us.
Even on my best days, I feel weakened by how poorly people can treat
each other, about the lack of empathy we're showing one another, how
fearful I am of every new day.
But for now, we have Guy Fieri. And I'm happy to ride the Guy High
through this mess, straight into a vat of Donkey Sauce. Leave me alone.
It's dark in here. I've earned this.
--
Every American should want President Trump and his administration to
handle the coronavirus epidemic effectively and successfully. Those who
seem eager to see the president fail and to call every administration
misstep a fiasco risk letting their partisanship blind them to the
demands not only of civic responsibility but of basic decency.
anim8rfsk
May 18, 2020, 11:27:30 AM5/18/20
to
Mon, 18 May 2020 02:12:07 -0700 Ubiquitous<web...@polaris.net> wrote:
> Guy Fieri Is The Last Unproblematic Food Person
> Ubiquitous<web...@polaris.net>
> May 18, 2020 at 2:12:07 AM MST
a real piece of work, even mocking an Asian cook in pigeon English:
https://www.latimes.com/food/story/2020-05-11/alison-roman-chrissy-teigen-
marie-kondo-tweet-twitter
--
Join your old RAT friends at
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1688985234647266/
> Guy Fieri Is The Last Unproblematic Food Person
> Ubiquitous<web...@polaris.net>
> May 18, 2020 at 2:12:07 AM MST
>
> I know that, for many of us, our weekend was spent dissecting the
> online dustup between two internet girls who are likely both too cool
> to come to my birthday Zoom, Alison Roman and Chrissy Teigen. In all
> fairness, it was a completely delicious argument between a couple of
> food personalities where the winner doesn't really matter. All you need
> to know is that Roman, a cookbook author and recipe developer for the
> New York Times (as well as a former BuzzFeed employee), put her foot
> deep, deep down her own throat and pissed off Teigen, who - it turned
> out, in a legitimately shocking twist - was also supposed to executive
> produce Roman's forthcoming show. It's a perfect feud, and almost
> everyone I know has chosen a side - even people like me, who don't
> really cook and also don't really care.
I vaguely know who Teigen is and never heard of the other two. This Roman is
> I know that, for many of us, our weekend was spent dissecting the
> online dustup between two internet girls who are likely both too cool
> to come to my birthday Zoom, Alison Roman and Chrissy Teigen. In all
> fairness, it was a completely delicious argument between a couple of
> food personalities where the winner doesn't really matter. All you need
> to know is that Roman, a cookbook author and recipe developer for the
> New York Times (as well as a former BuzzFeed employee), put her foot
> deep, deep down her own throat and pissed off Teigen, who - it turned
> out, in a legitimately shocking twist - was also supposed to executive
> produce Roman's forthcoming show. It's a perfect feud, and almost
> everyone I know has chosen a side - even people like me, who don't
> really cook and also don't really care.
a real piece of work, even mocking an Asian cook in pigeon English:
https://www.latimes.com/food/story/2020-05-11/alison-roman-chrissy-teigen-
marie-kondo-tweet-twitter
--
Join your old RAT friends at
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1688985234647266/
0 new messages