The Felicity Commission
brad laidman
Sean buys Julie tickets to see Fucking Tart! I become enraged! Ben is cocky!
Megan is Pissed! Noel is a loser! Where is Elena! Where is Javier! Oh my
Where is Trevor!
Oh the humanity
Who's life won't be destroyed by Felicity's going back in time? Christopher
Lloyd was right. You shouldn't fuck with the time space continuum.
The Smartest Man on Earth
I just read a bunch of Hugh Hefner's thoughts on life and I said to myself
"Wow that guy is pretty smart." Then I reconsidered and said to myself "He's
not so smart. He just had all kinds of pussy around him and because of it
was able to spend all of his time around smart people attracted to the
pussy. Then I thought about it again and said to myself "Wow that guy is
pretty smart."
I watch Oprah - "Oral Sex it's an epidemic!"
According to the show, ever since Bill Clinton came out young high school
girls are treating oral sex the same way they used to treat valentines in
kindergarten - indiscriminately. Despite Dr. Phil's best efforts girls think
going down on a guy is less significant than a kiss. God must hate me.
Apparently, love was free in every era except the early 80s when I was in
high school. Where are my blow jobs on the school bus? Where are my cocaine
parties at Studio 54? Where are my Orgies in the mud at Woodstock? All I
ever got was Love Boat reruns on Saturday Night.
Our Youngsters real problem
Oprah: A viewer wrote us that 75% of the girls in her school give oral sex.
Is that pretty much like your school
14 yr old girl: It's less at our school because we have less students.
Forget about those bus ride blow jobs, who taught that moron what
percentages are?
My favorite quote ever from America's foremost genius Dr. Phil!!
"A friend doesn't ask you to get on your knees in a school bathroom on a
urine covered floor and stick his penis in your mouth."
I've never had an original idea in my life
Wow, I was just sifting through a Bill Hicks sight on the internet and I
found a routine where he posits that in fact the anti-Christ is Dick Clark.
Something I tried to fob off as my own idea just last week. I'm don't
remember ever hearing this routine before but who knows maybe I did and
convinced myself that it was an original thought. In my defense, I swear I
became convinced of the identity of true evil when I first read Dick Clark's
Rock Roll and Remember at age 13 and was completely disgusted by the never
aging greedy schlockmeister's opinion that kids would much rather see
artists lip sync than hear live performances. Who knows, maybe he was right.
Some people love those gigantic fake breasted strippers too.
Arrest of the Week
Dionne Warwick pinched for marijuana possession. Damn irresponsible old
people. It's tough to find San Jose when you're stoned.
What if other shows went back in time?
Why Gilligan was in no way a moron!
The first show you have to think about the cast going back in time has to be
Gilligan's Island. You'd think they would have tried that with one of those
weird voodoo cultures they ran up against every now and then. Obviously,
they would go back and decide not to take that damn boat trip. Then I was
thinking. Would Gilligan really want to go back to before the fateful trip?
Let's see now
Gilligan Before the Shipwreck
Shitty Job
Asshole Boss
No cash
No Women
Gilligan after Shipwreck
Gets to hang with two hot chicks one a movie star and they cook for him and
do his laundry.
Gets to hobnob with Millionaires
Lives in a culture where money is mostly irrelevant yet gets to live on a
beautiful and peaceful Carribean Island.
Hell, Gilligan wasn't fucking up all of those rescue attempts by accident!
He was living at Club Med for free. That fucking shipwreck was the best
thing that ever happened to him! Once you think about it you realize,
Gilligan is a craftier fuck than the Indian in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's
Nest and that character Edward Norton Played in Primal Fear put together!
Now when I said that money was mostly irrelevant I meant that money only had
value if you think that you will someday be rescued. If everyone else didn't
think that they would get rescued they would have strung up Mr. Howell after
about a week and a half off the island. Now did Mr. Howell bring all of his
money on that boat trip or did he just carry that much cash everywhere he
went? Mr. Howell was a cool kind of dick. I can see him going into a 7-11
and asking the guy if he has change for a Thousand Dollar Bill.
David Caruso et al
A lot of those guys that left series as big stars and then flopped their ass
off in something like Hello Larry. Wayne Rogers, Pernell Roberts, the guy
who played the older brother on Happy Days. Personally I always thought that
blonde daughter on Hello Larry was cool, hot and slutty.
Wow there is actually a Hello Larry fan page!
THE THEME SONG FOR "HELLO, LARRY"
By John LaSalle & Tom Smith
Well, Hello, Larry (Hello, Larry..)
You talk to people all day for a living (Hello, Larry..)
But all those easy answers you are giving!
Are you really living your life that way?
Portland is a long way from L.A. (A long way..)
Sorry about that! Me and McClain Stevenson both went to Northwestern.
Family Ties
I'm guessing if those hippies had to do it over again they would have used a
condom instead of having Alex.
Hogan's Heroes
It's shocking that that brilliant Hogan never figured out a way to go back
in time and kill Hitler as a baby. Hell, he could have even made Klink the
Fuehrer!
Ban retard portrayals on TV and movies unless they are actually retarded
This is going to be ugly but as I sit here amazed that I am actually going
to watch the LA Law reunion movie. I'm really hoping that Benny will get hit
by a car. God there is nothing I hate more than a sensitive portrayal of
retarded life.
The sick and horrible thing is that I love hearing all those retards on the
Howard Stern show. Beetlejuice has never not cracked me up. Hey don't throw
the fruit at me I know it's wrong. He exploits the unfortunately dim witted
like Hooters exploits women. I feel bad that he does it and I feel even
worse that I can't stop listening or laughing at it. Comedy should be used
against powerful people not at dwarves and retards. I know it. I feel like a
hypocrite, and yet if they show Beetlejuice Cribs tonight, I'm watching it.
The 2 most disturbing things I have ever seen on television
1) They (The Howard Stern Show) made these poor women (one pregnant) tongue
kiss Beetlejuice for like three minutes right after he ate a bunch of
sardines. I thought I was going be throwing up until Madonna joined a
Nunnery.
2) Howard Stern has on this guy named High Pitched Eric. This guy is like
370 lbs.
Every word he says sounds like he has just swallowed helium. He has an IQ of
a house plant and he's deathly scared of dead fish. They had this guy naked
in the studio for some reason and they are all starting at him and trying to
figure out if he is circumcised or not. They ask him and he's not sure! Not
as visually disturbing as the first one, but the more you think about all of
those guys studying this guy's mangled package the more you'll feel like
maggots are crawling into your underwear.
The internet is dying
Anyone else finding that more and more links turn out to be expired even as
the commercial pop-ups get more annoying and harder to avoid and dispose of?
Pretty soon it will be near impossible to get the lyrics to the Hello Larry
theme.
Why are charities tax deductible?
People who give to charity aren't really giving any money to charity they
are just making the government give money to things that they support. It's
just another way for rich people to choose the way they'd like our world to
be, which means that chances are it will keep them as rich in the future as
they are today.
LA Law pt 2
The big trial hinges on the testimony of a retard. Aaaaauuuuuuuuuggggghhhhh!
VH1's Ultimate Albums - Bon Jovi - Slippery When Wet
How the fuck do they make these things with a straight face?
LA Law pt 3
Anne loses all of her and Stuart's money to a spiritual con man yet they
still love each other. Aaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuggggghhhhhh! Say what you will
about David E Kelley but if he wrote this reunion movie it would end with
Benny blowing everyone away with a submachine gun and turning it on himself
preventing me from being stuck watching another atrocity like this in
another 10 years.
LA Law pt 4
When ever people talk to Benny it's hard to tell which one of them is
retarded.
The Truth
A friend of mine told me that for as long as he'd known me I was cranky and
depressed. I told him that he has just known me during a difficult stretch,
the last 25 years.
LA Law pt 5
Harry Hamlin frees the chief of 21 Jump Street from the electric chair,
takes down a Congressman asshole and bags Susan Dey and I get a lump in my
throat. What a sap I am.
Friends Surprise Ending
I'm rooting for Ross and Rachel's baby to be a veloceraptor.
If I had a cable station
When I showed old movies, instead of calling them classics I'd call them
crappy old movies that you've seen 27 times and will watch again because you
have no fucking life. Instead of a guy explaining how awesome the
performances were and how ahead of its time the movie was I'd have 30 second
spots where I'd show Pauline Kahl's decomposing silent body.
A league of their own reconsidered
No way Rosie O'Donnell scores from second base on a single up the middle.
Eminem is genius
Doesn't anyone get the fact that it's all a big joke. He sits at home and
tries to figure out new fun ways to be offensive. Sure he's homophobic, but
he's also into drugs, shooting people, killing pregnant mothers, raping
underage girls. I'll be offended when I stop laughing.
Fun Celebrity Tricks
They just arrested that chick who plays Miranda in Sex and the City for
protesting something. Ask Martin Sheen this is like the best thing that can
happen to your issue and your career. Ask Bonnie Raitt. I mean if you don't
get arrested it's a complete waste of time. They get their protest on the
news and come off as a committed Thoreau kind of patriot. What happens if
the police don't feel like arresting you? Do the celebrities start calling
the cops cocksucking pigs? "You better arrest me motherfucker I'm a big
star!" Now those pot busts of those cousins Dionne Warwick and Whitney
Houston. That's what I call fun. I'd sort of like to party with Dionne now.
Not Whitney though because she's like a week and a half from dying. Odd
though I think it would have been fun and eerily interesting to hang with
Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, or Jimi Hendrix on their last few days.
A really difficult question
If I could pop you back to 1968, would you want to sleep with Janis Joplin?
I change my mind back and forth with every special I see on cable.
Someone else must have thought of this
I want to go out and stage a Broadway play called the Penis Monologues. I
would get a bunch of weepy celebrity men to talk about the deep, sometimes
sad, sometimes touching, sometimes very funny relationships that they have
had with their own penises. I'm guessing Alec Baldwin would do this for
practically free. It would be filled with all of the wacky slang names for
penis like cock, prick, Willie, Dick, Johnson, schwang, wang, Peter,
Mr.Happy - you know the same act Robin Williams does every night to his
kids. The celebs would talk about their first erection, their first
ejaculation, their first time masturbating, the first time they got jock
itch, the helpless loss they feel from having been circumcised, the ugly
deformed sense of rejection that comes with being uncircumcised, all the
times they rolled onto their head trying to suck their own dick, the first
time they couldn't perform despite desperately wanting too. You know
touching shit like that. They're going to be asking me to lecture men's
groups after this comes out.
Potential Cast
Kevin Costner
Arnold Schwarzzenegger
All 17 Baldwin Brothers
All 17 Wayans Brothers
Dr. Phil --- "Penises can be bad!!"
Tom Snyder
Madonna -
And Bill Clinton doing a two hour encore!!
Could an episode called Spin the Bottle possibly be bad?
Have I mentioned recently how much of a moron Sean is? He may be the single
dumbest character not specifically written to be stupid in the history of
television. Think about Joey on Friends or Kelso on That '70s Show. Those
guys haven't got a clue but Sean's every impulse is thousands of times
stupider than anyone else on their worst day. George Costanza was pretty
stupid, but he did stupid things out of his hostility for the world around
him and his situation in it. Sean is just a house plant that can talk.
In Mr. Hand's chemistry class, Ben again proves what a genius he is with
women. He mocks Felicity for not being over him. What's more he acts like it
's the last thing he cares about in the world. He actually says "Wow, in two
months when you realize that Noel can't work the mojo like I can I sure hope
for your sake that I'm not banging three power ranger chicks!" No single
scene in the history of the show better explains why Noel has spent 95
percent of this show losing Felicity to this guy.
You know if I was Noel and Felicity admitted the time travel thing to me. I
would say "So we had sex and it took you a year and a half to realize that
you enjoyed it? Can't you make your mind up about anything except whether or
not to wear a sweater?"
Ben still happy as a clam returns from playing basketball. Well, I'm
assuming that he was playing basketball but you never know. Maybe Ben always
carries a basketball around with him these days.
Sean has purchased the entire contents of a health food store for Julie's
arrival. Ben warns him not to take things so quick with her. Sean says
"Why?" Ben says "Because you know I'm going to bang her to make Felicity
jealous by the end of this episode."
Megan enters to get all of her stuff. Megan is very angry. Sean apologizes
for being a moron. Interestingly, Megan tries the Ben "I couldn't care less
routine" but she is way too pissed off to pull it off credibly.
Noel is looking for an apartment but is frustrated with the high rents of
NYC. Dude if money is an issue why did you just toss $50 grand at Sean. That
's $50 grand more than Sean has ever paid for rent on that place.
Noel and Felicity have an awkward moment. Felicity tells Noel what a jerk
Ben was in class today. Way to convince Noel that you are over Ben girlie!
"Heyyyyyy!!!!" it's Julie.
Ben greets her with a "Heyyyyyyy!!!"
Those crazy kids!
Ben wonders "Doesn't that bitch travel anywhere without that guitar?"
Julie asks how Felicity is. Ben mumbles "Errr we uhh sort of you know kind
of broke up."
Julie is also in New York to audition for a record label. Ben clues in Julie
on Sean's silly infatuation. Ben tells Julie that Sean dumped Megan. Julie
feels worse than when she let her father die.
Julie nevertheless lets Ben know that he can have her anytime he wants at
any second.
"Heyyyyyy" Sean greets Julie
Significantly, Julie only gives him a "hi"
No Fucking Way - I don't ask for much
This sucks big time. All I ever wanted was a mention of the Felicity
Commission on this show when suddenly Sean says to Julie "I got us tickets
for that band you like - tart!"
Mother Fucker. Tart is my best friend's wife's best friend's band from
Northwestern. Damn, those girls get everything. Do I have to be reminded
during my favorite show what a failure I am compared to everyone I went to
college with? Has Tart mindlessly broken down every fucking episode from the
past year and a half instead of holding down a job? Fuckers!
I took guitar lessons for years and this girl just woke up one day and
decided that she was Liz Phair and could play bass. It's just not fair!
Anyway
Julie tries to let down Sean easily. Sean's heart sinks as he does his best
to save face by pretending not to be hurt. Julie says that maybe she should
stay with Felicity. Sean jumps up and down on the lobsters he bought in
frustration. Dumb motherfucker.
Felicity struggles with a box at D&D. Ben mocks Felicity about how depressed
Noel will be when she ends his life by breaking up with him again. Ben again
mentions making out with Felicity in the library. Felicity tells Ben that
kissing him is as hot as kissing her own arm and demonstrates. She tells him
his self confident Jedi shit isn't working even as everyone in the whole
world except Sean instantly knows that it is not true.
Noel pops in. Ben does his best not to laugh.
They all exchange "Heys."
Ben sarcastically gets Noel a coffee as Noel tells Felicity about his new
apartment.
Julie pops in. More "Hey's" are exchanged than in the whole run of the show
Hee Haw.
Poor moron Sean. He has already talked himself from spending the whole
weekend with Julie to maybe having coffee and Ben already appears to have a
date with her. Ben smiles because he knows how fun it is to Ben and single.
Cool Noel and Felicity are playing boggle for the first time in four years.
Julie pops in to a chorus of "heys."
I'm sure that Megan will be very pleased to see Julie after Sean dumped her
for a .5 percent chance of being with her.
Felicity tells Julie that she has missed her. No one believes her.
Julie tells Felicity that she wants to resume banging Ben.
Felicity says "hey copulate away" even as she thinks to herself "You fucking
whore how many times do I have to tell you that I get Noel, Ben and anyone
else on this show besides Sean. And god knows if I even wanted him at all I
could have that ignoramus too!"
Felicity tells Noel that she is worried about Julie. She feels that Ben
wants to use Julie to make her mad. Noel seems to think to himself. Wow this
girl never goes thirty fucking seconds without talking about Ben, but asks
Felicity to live with him. The whole world says to themselves "Noel better
not buy a big screen TV and watch hoops all the time."
Nevertheless "Felicity says yes."
Ben takes Julie to her audition. Julie is worried about Sean. Ben says "Fuck
Sean let's get busy."
Julie asks Ben to go see Tart with her. That fucking bitch. She is using
Sean's love tickets to do Ben. That's about as fucking cold as you can get.
Please don't hold this against me but I'm enraged. I think to myself "All
women must die." We have plenty of porno preserved for posterity and it
wouldn't affect my sex life any. Ok I know that 98% of my readers are women.
I apologize but I'm taking this Tart thing really badly. If they actually
appear playing live on this show, I swear I'm busting Charlie Manson out of
prison.
Ben says yes. "I'm a big fucking Tart fan from way back!!"
Ben gives Sean the bad news about how he is willing to do her just to make
Felicity sick. C'mon Sean you loser. Kick his ass. Sean congratulates Ben on
how cool it is to be Ben.
Sean again fucking mentions Tart. Me and Sean are really really pissed. Sean
tells Ben that they are no longer friends.
Sean says he is going to get those tickets back and see Tart himself.
Felicity catches Megan crying. Megan calls Sean an "ass." Megan declares
herself sexually ready for action. Megan sees Julie and says 'hi' to her
bitterly. That's how Megan used to treat everyone when Julie was on the show
so she doesn't notice much out of the ordinary.
Julie tells Felicity about the Ben night with Tart.
Julie: Are you sure you're ok with that?
God was Julie always this unthinking and inconsiderate. Oh yeah, I guess she
was.
Ben is in O-Chem. Again Trevor appears to have been eaten up by the time
space continuum. Suddenly we wonder where Elena is. Maybe she is touring
with Fucking Tart.
Felicity confronts Ben on the Julie thing. Ben mumbles "I'm a sex machine
baby. You are so jealous."
Ben smiles. It's great to be Ben. Ben is cockier than Kid Rock right after
the first time he banged Pam Anderson.
Ben invites Noel and Felicity on a double date to see Tart with him and
Julie. I can't believe this!
Noel has signed an apartment lease. He wants to take Felicity there and bang
her, but she tells him about the Tart show. Noel is less than pleased. Pussy
Noel agrees to the double date. God even I don't think he deserves her
anymore.
Megan is at a bar shooting down potential suitors. Sean shows up. Megan
mocks him. Megan is not sympathetic until of course suddenly she is. They
bicker. He invites her to Tart
Megan says "Tart Blows!!!!!"
Thank you!!! Now we all know why I have repeatedly said this fucking show
should be called MEGAN!!!!!!!
Megan nevertheless agrees to go see Tart. Wow, I'm not bitter but I would
really be psyched if Megan and Tart bass player Laura Eason got into a cat
fight!
The double triangle foursome are eating Indian Food. Felicity drops the we'
re going to live together bomb. Ben reminds Felicity about how jealous she
was when that Russian dancer took a bath at their place. Ben is so cocky
that he tells Felicity that he knows that she remembers her first and last
name. Ben is of course right.
Ben: You were so worried that I would cheat on you which is ironic because
you turned out to be the cheating whore!!!
Felicity excuses herself.
Ben confronts Felicity. Ben wants to know why Felicity dumped him. Just like
me to my chick he says "No I don't understand I don't understand at all!"
They all decide to go to the loft and play some of Julie's music. Felicity
agrees. Noel knows that he is doomed.
Megan and Sean return from seeing Tart.
Sean: Tart Rocks!!!!
Oh my god he has a fucking Tart T-shirt on!!
Megan mocks Sean about Ben banging Julie. Sean backpedals like a fucking
maniac.
Sean: I am finally over her.
The foursome appear to be playing Spin the Bottle.
Megan calls them incestuous and makes them all play.
Megan spins. Megan kisses Ben. Ben smiles and Megan makes Ben spin. Ben
needs to kiss Felicity. Megan and Felicity clash. Megan says ok I'll let it
go this time. She makes Ben spin again. Again it lands on Felicity. Megan
mocks Felicity. Felicity and Ben have to kiss for five seconds. They kiss.
Noel is less than pleased.
It is Julie's turn. Angry Megan says "Sean stop praying so loud."
Julie spins. It lands on Ben . They mack like pros as Sean practically
begins to cry.
They kiss for about a minute and a half. Noel notices how jealous Felicity
is and storms out.
Sean tells Megan that he wants her back.
Megan mocks him.
Sean tells Megan "I love you."
Megan tells Sean to go fuck himself and leaves. Me and Megan should be
together.
Felicity tries to talk to a despondent Noel.
He tells Felicity how much he wants her, but that he realized tonight that
he'll never have the mojo like Ben.
Noel: You will never be over Ben!
Felicity cries. Noel leaves. Felicity is like "Jesus now I've lost all my
toys."
They show the music from the episode. Amazingly Tart is not included.
Next week:
Noel burns in hell.
Job Update.
I got a job. They wanted me to start next Thursday. I told them I couldn't
start until Friday without explaining why I have to stay up late next
Wednesday. Sob, I wish I were in Tart.
--
tartfan
"brad laidman" <mini...@attbi.com> wrote in message
news:nlJE8.73974$071.27...@typhoon1.we.ipsvc.net...
> The Felicity Commission - Spin the bottle edition
>>
>
> This sucks big time. All I ever wanted was a mention of the Felicity
> Commission on this show when suddenly Sean says to Julie "I got us tickets
> for that band you like - tart!"
> Mother Fucker. Tart is my best friend's wife's best friend's band from
> Northwestern. Damn, those girls get everything. Do I have to be reminded
> during my favorite show what a failure I am compared to everyone I went to
> college with? Has Tart mindlessly broken down every fucking episode from
the
> past year and a half instead of holding down a job? Fuckers!
>
> I took guitar lessons for years and this girl just woke up one day and
> decided that she was Liz Phair and could play bass. It's just not fair!
>
writer of this episode was a member of TART
tf
brad laidman
--
"tartfan" <dave...@KILLSPAMlycos.com> wrote in message
news:ac66sn$kjq$1...@nntp9.atl.mindspring.net...
tartfan
I kinda figured you did after I read further....
BTW Megan -vs- Laura Eason, my money's on Laura.
tf
"brad laidman" <mini...@attbi.com> wrote in message
news:zNAF8.74559$071.29...@typhoon1.we.ipsvc.net...
brad laidman
Felicity is institutionalized! Javier is fired! Richard doesn't get any
lines! Tracy and Elena are resurrected! Noel dies! Wow!!
Dear Felicity
Stop Stalking Me! I don't even have a cassette player anymore. I haven't
written you in three years. Get a clue. Don't bother me unless you want some
French lessons and have more of your Dad's money to pay for them.
Love
Sally
Most Likely Ending
Oh my. It was just a dream. Is Auntie Em Ok? Wow, what a dream. Noel, you
were there and Ben, you were there. You were all there. Well, Elena was sort
of there. Is she dead again? Hmm, maybe I should have spent some time with
her when I had the chance. Does anyone know where I can buy a gun to shoot
down those bitches Julie and Hannah?
Amazing
Just a few days ago when I wrote that I was thinking "Who would really be
pathetic enough to end their show with a hackneyed tribute to the Wizard of
Oz?" Then I saw the last five minutes of Ally McBeal. It was like a train
wreck in slow motion. "Oh my god she is going to tell the biscuit 'I'll miss
you most of all scarecrow' I can't believe that they are really doing this."
Sure they did always used to use that Wicked Witch music on the show but
that was for Lucy Liu's character and she wasn't in the finale. They were
able to get a dead guy into the final shot and not Lucy Liu's character! I
don't care what you say having Gil Bellows recreating the last scene in
Return of the Jedi does not make up for butchering a real good show.
My real prediction for the Felicity ending
She'll wake up back in the present and will never be sure if it was a dream
or if she managed to reverse the spell.
More VH1 absurdity
They are actually airing Showgirls on VH1. Think about that Showgirls minus
the nudity. God, does that sound like a frustrating night or what? I've read
quite a few reviews of Showgirls and yet not many of them said that what was
wrong with the movie could easily be solved by getting rid of all the
profanity and extracurricular nude scenes. It would be like watching Debbie
Does Dallas minus the all the cheerleader vignettes.
Local News = more T&A
I never watch the 11 O'clock local news but what a joke it must be. During
the Laker game I found out that the two top stories of the evening are on
Las Vegas strip joints and this summer's new swimsuit lines. Edward Murrow
rolls over in his grave as I smile in amusement.
Hanging in Hell with Plato and Socrates
See - this is the sort of stuff I worry about for like a second, giggle and
then quickly move on. What if there is a heaven or a hell and when you die
you get to meet all of the people who previously lived on earth? Everyone
always talks about meeting dead celebrities that way, but if you think about
it you'd have to mire your way through a billion or so people that lived in
the dark ages and how fun would that be? Can you imagine though, how
embarrassed you would be to meet all of those intellectual giants of the
pasts and have nothing to talk about besides Fox Celebrity Boxing, Survivor,
and the Jerry Springer show. I can just see Plato and Da Vinci staring at
you and mumbling something like "You had the technology to convey picture
and sound to any person anywhere on the planet and that is what you used it
for?" Couldn't you see Nietzsche going over to Hitler and saying "Jesus you
were right."
Personally, I wouldn't be all that embarrassed. I would tell those cranky
geezers. Look all you people ever did was worry about a bunch of really
hypothetical crap while the world around you hated and killed each other. In
our society, we ignore all of those higher pursuits, watch a bunch of old
Good Times episodes and don't so much as hurt a fly. If Jerry Springer's
rating were like 1,000 times higher, I bet there would finally be peace on
earth.
Yassar Arafat: Are these real people or do they get actors?
Ariel Sharon: No, I actually believe that they are real people!
Arafat: Hey, pass the weed and the Doritos. I want to get real toked up
before Judge Judy comes on.
Sharon: What time is South Park on?
The difference between me and my Latin teacher
Latin Teacher: Today we will be discussing Plato
Brad: Dana?
Why they really killed Socrates
My Latin teacher did the best to convince me and my friends that Socrates
was more Jesus than the real Jesus. They like to tell you that he was
sentenced to death for inflaming the minds of the young men of Greece with
difficult ideas. I've done a little reading on this guy and without a doubt,
the guy was a complete asshole. He didn't get along with anyone. He hated
democracy. He mocked people who were trying to improve themselves with
education. He never tipped.
Now all the Latin teachers will try to tell you that he refused to escape
because he felt it was more important to die for freedom of thought. To me
though, there is no doubt in my mind that this guy had an ego the size of
the Incredible Hulk and knew how cool it would make him seem to die like an
fierce martyr. Those Greeks didn't really want to kill him they just wanted
him to get his ass out of town, but he was just too bothersome to do it for
them.
I don't think they put him to death for his ideas at all. It was for having
sex with young boys. See the Latin teachers like to forget about that stuff
or brush it aside. Hey I saw it in the Book of Lists you're not fooling me
for a second. If he pulled that stuff in America today, we'd hang him up too
as long as he wasn't a Catholic Priest, in which case it would go on ignored
for years.
Why I got thrown out of Latin Class
Well, it's obvious already isn't it. Here's how cool my parents were though.
My Latin teacher called them in and told me that I had been expelled from my
Latin Class the day of the Who concert (Which I was looking forward to as
something of a religious event) and they still let me go.
My mother would call me in sick for school if I really really wanted to
watch some cartoons that day. I remind her about it and she stares at me in
disbelief. She's apparently cleared it from her mind.
I bet there are a bunch of lonely old women out there who wish they'd just
have let their kids go to the damn concert. After all, no one ever bought
that "I'm doing this for your own good" crap anyway.
They found Chandra Levy
It appears that she was killed while jogging. Does that mean Gary Condit was
just one really unlucky prick? I don't care. Where is Mark Fuhrman when we
need him? If anyone deserves to get framed it's that moron.
McRib the World's most successful Con Job
Everyone loves the McRib sandwich! Well, sort of. Actually, everybody just
cracks up laughing every time they think about them. "Woo hoo the McRib! I'
ve got to have one of those just to tell my grandkids about it." Then
everyone tries it and remembers that the reason they aren't sold all year
long is because they taste like donkey excrement. So McDonalds pulls it away
and waits for everyone to forget how bad they are. Twelve months later they
bring them back and everyone is lining up for them again.
The McDonalds Interview
Everyone always jokes that anyone could work for McDonalds. You can't find a
job? Have you tried McDonalds? Minimum wage is better than what you are
earning watching Oprah every afternoon! Even Beavis and Butthead managed to
keep fast food jobs.
If that is true. What must the interview be like at a McDonalds.
"Can you read?"
"Can you use a microwave?"
"Have you committed a felony in the past three days?"
"You don't do anything more serious than Cocaine do you?"
"Did you find the movie Moulin Rouge to be pretentious?"
"Have you ever voted in Florida?"
"How many nickels are there in a quarter?"
"Do object to wearing really goofy hats?"
"Do you mind having a McRib sandwich for lunch everyday of the week?"
How do they train cats?
This is one of those things that fascinates me but I'll never do anything to
learn about it because I'd feel like a fool buying a book on cats at a
bookstore. I understand dogs. Dogs will do anything for half of a hot dog.
There are dogs out there that will clamp their teeth into your neck for a
few extra pieces of kibble that night. Cats don't eat that much and when
they do they don't seem to want to deal with you while they are doing it. My
cat will dash into the kitchen the second I grab for a packet of food and
start chirping with joy, but he won't touch the food until I leave. Cat's
are more reluctant to eat in front of you than dogs are reluctant to have
sex in front of you. Oh my I've sunk to discussing dogs and cats. What has
happened to me? Good thing tonight is the last episode. I lost a reader last
week for vulgarity and yet to me discussing dogs and cats seems to be the
worse crime.
The new Eminem Album
Damn that guy's life and career are like the greatest practical joke of all
time and I mean that as a complement. He's pissing everyone in the world off
and laughing all the way to the bank. Listen to White America on his new
album and you'll hear how he discovered that the scariest thing to most
parents and the coolest thing to their kids would be to act even worse than
the worst Black Gangster Rapper and look just like every suburban mother's
son. I remember when Ice-T was under pressure he would say "If you think I'm
wrong explain to me why and perhaps we'll both learn something." Eminem is
like "I offended you. Cool which line offended you the most. What would
offend you more? I'll put it on my next album!
Again I'm not for slurring gays, but remember he claims that he believes in
raping and pillaging too. It's all one big joke.
White America
America! We love you! How many people are proud to be citizens of this
beautiful country of ours? The stripes and the stars for the rights that men
have died for to protect / The women and men who have broke their necks for
the freedom of speech the United States government has sworn to uphold. (Yo
I want everybody to listen to the words of this song) or so we're told...
Verse 1
I never would've dreamed in a million years I'd see, so many motherfuckin'
people who feel like me/who share the same views and the same exact beliefs,
it's like a fuckin' army marchin' in back of me/So many lives I touch, so
much anger aimed in no particular direction, just sprays and sprays and
straight through your radio waves it plays and plays, till it stays stuck in
your head for days and days/who woulda thought, standing in this mirror
bleachin' my hair, with some peroxide, reachin for a t-shirt to wear/that I
would catapult to the forefront of rap like this? How could I predict my
words would have an impact like this/I must've struck a chord, with somebody
up in the office, cuz Congress keeps telling me I ain't causin' nuthin' but
problems/and now they're sayin' I'm in trouble with the government, I'm
lovin' it, I shoveled shit all my life/and now I'm dumping it on...
Chorus X2
White America!
I could be one of your kids
White America!
Little Eric looks just like this
White America!
Erica loves my shit
I go to TRL, look how many hugs I get
Verse 2
Look at these eyes, baby blue, baby just like yourself, if they were brown
Shady lose, Shady sits on the shelf/but Shady's cute, Shady knew Shady's
dimples would help, make ladies swoon baby, ooh baby! Look at my sales/Lets
do the math, If I was black I would've sold half, I ain't have to graduate
from Lincoln High School to know that/but I could rap, so fuck school, I'm
too cool to go back, gimme the mic, show me where the fuckin' studio's
at/When I was underground, no one gave a fuck I was white, no labels wanted
to sign me almost gave up, I was like/Fuck it, until I met Dre, the only one
to look past, gave me a chance, and I lit a fire up under his ass/helped him
get back to the top, every fan black that I got was probably his in exchange
for every white fan that he's got/Like damn, we just swapped. Sittin' back
lookin' at shit, wow, I'm like my skin is it starting to work to my benefit
now?
Chorus X2
Verse 3
See the problem is I speak to suburban kids who otherwise would of never
knew these words exist/whose moms probably woulda never gave two squirts of
piss, till I created so much motherfuckin' turbulence/straight out the tube,
right into your living room I came, and kids flipped when they knew I was
produced by Dre/That's all it took, and they were instantly hooked right in,
and they connected with me too because I looked like them/that's why they
put my lyrics up under this microscope, searchin' with a fine tooth comb,
its like this rope/waitin' to choke, tightening around my throat, watching
me while I write this, like I don't like this (Nope)/All I hear is: lyrics,
lyrics, constant controversy, sponsors working round the clock, to try to
stop my concerts early/surely hip hop was never a problem in Harlem only in
Boston, after it bothered the fathers of daughters starting to blossom/so
now I'm catchin' the flack from these activists when they raggin', actin'
like I'm the first rapper to smack a bitch, or say faggot/shit, just look at
me like I'm your closest pal, the posterchild, the mother fuckin' spokesman
now for...
Chorus X2
Verse 4
So to the parents of America / I am the derringer aimed at little Erica, to
attack her character / The ringleader of this circus of worthless pawns /
Sent to lead the march right up to the steps of Congress / And piss on the
lawns of the White House and replace it with a Parental Advisory sticker /
To spit liquor in the faces of in this democracy of hypocrisy / Fuck you Ms.
Cheney! Fuck you Tipper Gore! Fuck you with the freest of speech this
divided states of embarrassment will allow me to have, Fuck you! I'm just
kiddin' America, you know I love you...
It's that time of year again
The Spelling Bee must go!
I believed it when I was fifteen and I believe it now decades later.
Grammar is Fascist and spelling should be optional. Punctuation is alright
as long as nobody tells you what you can and can't do with it. It's like
making kids learn to play and listen to boring music. No eight year old
should ever want to go to the orchestra and if I had my way no kids would be
subjected to spelling bees either. After all, if the Vice President doesn't
have to know how to spell than no one else should have to either.
If I was responsible for the future success and happiness of a child, I
would see it as my sworn duty to keep him or her away from the abuse that is
the spelling bee. Kids are very impressionable and everything must be done
to spare the core of their innocence from the dulling prison of the world of
spelling bees no matter how many Apple Powerbooks they threaten to give away
to the winners. Spelling Bees lead to footnotes which lead to Latin which
leads to forever becoming a loser in life. I haven't done the amount of
required research that spelling fans would probably insist on, but I feel
pretty safe in saying that neither James Dean, Elvis Presley or Paul Newman
ever participated in much less won a spelling bee. The only cool historical
figure ever to participate in a spelling bee was Charlie Brown and he was
cool in a "but I sure wouldn't want to be him" kind of way. If you stick
your child in a spelling bee you are dooming them to a life of endless
unhappiness barren of any spark of wonder, creativity and joy.
I'm guessing that of my forty favorite words about half of them aren't even
in the dictionary. Spelling bee kids aren't even allowed to think about
those words. Where would America be if someone told Chuck Berry there were
no such words as motorvating or coolerater? What horrors would we be
susceptible to if artists like Bob Dylan and Louis Armstrong hadn't been
allowed to use the word ain't for the last eighty years? Nowhere I want to
hang that's for sure.
Ask your kids. They know the truth. Every white kid in America wants to be
a black rapper and if there is anything a black rapper hates it's spelling.
A rapper would rather let you steal his woman or play with his guns than
spell a word properly. Here's the ticket. Rappers know what they are talking
about. Aside from the lifestyle issues, if your kid is listening to rap you
should encourage it. Go out and buy him or her the explicit version of his
favorite CD so he doesn't look like a punk in school. Rappers have fun with
words and that's what they're there for. They bend them, shorten them, mix
them together with names they dig like Van Damme or Stymie. Rappers
pronounce words in new, amusing and sly ways. That's who I want my kids
hanging with. I am forever of the belief that you can get a kid interested
in anything if you start it off with something they like. When I was a kid I
went from Muhammud Ali to Malcolm X to Jimi Hendrix to Miles Davis to Duke
Ellington. Eventually, I would even got around to some William Shakespeare.
Sadly too many people think it is better to start off with William
Shakespeare, which often leads to never finishing another book without
pictures ever again in your life.
Sure, if you must lock your kids into their rooms and have them try to
memorize the exact spelling of every word in the English language, when at
worst the best that modern post spell checker life necessitates is that you
come reasonably close. Why are your kids mindless, unquestioning automatons?
Because you made them waste their time memorizing exactly how to spell every
word for the rest of their lives.
Go ahead encourage your kids not to use words that they can't spell. Modern
spell checkers teach kids the proper spelling of words through their
corrections. I'm guessing outside of the spelling bee world the kids that
know the most words are the kids that spelled the most words incorrectly
when they typed up their essay on Life in the Victorian World.
Kids like to ask why and that's a good thing. Why do we have to learn to
spell? Because a really old book associated with some guy named Webster says
so. The only question a spelling bee kid is ever going to ask in school is
"Are we going to be graded on this?" and we all know what a drag those guys
were.
In spelling bee, it's more important to know how to spell a word than it is
to know what it means. What nonsense Bizarro world came up with that notion.
Spelling Bees are backwards. The judges should spell out the words and the
kids should have to find a way to use them in a sentence. What's the point
of knowing how to spell a word you've never heard before and never will hear
again? Let's look at two scenarios following the request to spell the word
"consanguinity."
Scenario One: Your child has memorized the word by wasting tons of time that
could have been spent actually reading a book with ideas in it that contains
words he'll eventually actually use.
Scenario Two: Your child guesses, which is as productive as figuring out how
many jellybeans could fit into the Washington Monument. My kid is skipping
the guess the jellybeans classes!
Right about now your English teacher is telling you some nonsense about how
even abstract painters had to start out by learning how to draw and paint
realistically. As if Jackson Pollack or Andy Warhol could fix up the Sistine
Chapel if worst came to worst. If it is with my last dying breath, the one
thing I'll forever hold to be true is that dictionaries were never made to
be read straight through from the beginning to the end.
Pass the tissues I'm sure we'll all be weeping in a moment
Ok here we go! This is brilliant. Felicity meets Noel at a coffeehouse which
actually doesn't appear to be D&D! She gives him a key chain with an 8 ball
on it for his new apartment. What is that? Isn't the 8 ball like bad luck or
at least symblomatic of those Born To Lose kind of guys? Couldn't she have
gotten him something nice like a Swatch?
Now if it was a magic eight ball key chain? That would be brilliant since
the magic 8 ball knows the future. Nevertheless it was just a normal 8 ball
and therefore was not in any way brilliant!
Noel tells her that he just got a job with the School's Guidance Counselor
and wants to get the hell out of the coffeehouse as soon as he can. Felicity
starts begging him to take her back. She tells him that Ben has done
horrible terrible things to her. This news sort of turns Noel on. You know
he's been praying that Ben was really evil for like three years now.
Felicity decides to let in Noel on the past three weeks. "Dude I so came
back in time for you!" Noel looks at her as if he just found out that she
was really a man. Amazingly the more Felicity tries to assure Noel that she
is a time traveler the more freaked out he gets. Felicity does her best to
get Noel to believe her but he's not biting. Here's an idea sister. Predict
stuff. Hmm what could she predict that Noel could see happen that might be
at least of some use to Noel. How about the god damned fire you silly girl!
How can Noel die in the fire? If it wasn't for Felicity he'd have been out
of there about ten minutes earlier.
I am willing to marry anyone out there who will claim that they've come back
in time to be with me. Either that or I'll get you to tell me how so I can
go back and try to fix things with my Palo Alto girl. Bill Murray got like
17 chances in Groundhog Day. All I want is one more.
Megan is photographing flowers for a photography class. I always thought
that she'd be the type who would prefer to photograph dead flowers. Felicity
tells her that she has screwed up five years of friendship to Noel in the
last fifteen minutes. Megan says "You've only known Noel three and a half
years .. Hey I get it. You're from the future. Well at least you're
consistent."
Felicity predicts to Megan that her flowers will die. Megan is unimpressed.
Someone tell Felicity that her friendship with Noel was over in the future
too. No way that Zoey lets him ever talk to her again once they are hitched.
Felicity begs Megan to help her get back to the future. I'm confused though.
Doesn't she really want to get back the past future. She's screwed this
future up royally. Didn't she watch that Michael J Fox movie?
Megan gives Felicity what she describes as a hard core full of blood and
guts Wicca book. It's so badass that Megan refuses to even help Felicity
with the spell. Wow, wouldn't it be great if she spends the whole episode
finding gross stuff to put into her spell. Ben's Penis. Noel's left foot.
Sean's remaining testicle!
Sean: I am not giving you my other testicle
Felicity: But if you do you'll get it and Megan back.
Sean: Really!
Sean's the only one stupid enough on this show to believe the time travel
scenario. I predict that it takes him like 17 seconds to think of a money
making idea like Biff had in Back to the Future Part Two.
Felicity: Sean you must help me I'm lost from the future.
Sean: Awesome. I'll have my bookie on the phone before you know it. Thank
you God!!
Julie is drinking coffee with Ben. She asks him what the best part of the
USA was when he was traveling with Felicity. Ben says something to the
effect of every cheap hotel I banged her in.
Julie wants to go to Dollywood. See if Julie was a real musician she'd want
to go to Graceland, but she's not so Dollywood sounds appropriate. Actually,
I'd love to go to Dollywood in the same way everyone has to have a McRib.
Julie is going to travel the country. Ben says "Hey my life sucks right now
and I already know how much I like sex across America with a hot chick how
about if I come with you?"
Julie pantingly says "It would be so cool to have a friend to do this with."
Sean yells from another room "Then why did you turn me down when I asked
you."
Freaked out Noel pops in. Noel wants to talk privately with Ben. I'm
guessing Noel thinks that Ben has raped and slapped Felicity around so much
that she has gone batty and he's not pleased.
"Yo Ben that chick is bugging."
Noel tells Ben that he thinks that Felicity is on drugs. I sigh because I
realize that the show's cancellation will prevent me from ever seeing
Felicity's first LSD trip.
Ben doesn't believe Noel but then he says
"I'm absolutely serious that chick is bugging!"
Sean pops in on Megan. She returns his Speed Stick and his Billy Blanks
Tie-bo video. Sean says didn't I have more shit here than this? Megan says
"Yeah but I burned the rest of it you scum sucking pig."
Sean sees that someone has sent Megan like 17 B-------S of flowers. Ten
bucks to who ever first sends me what the hell that word is that means a
dozen or so of flowers and how to spell it.
Megan tells Sean that they are from her new squeeze. I'm guessing that Megan
bought them all for herself to make Sean jealous. Sean is immediately very
jealous. Why hasn't Felicity let in Megan on the fact that she and Sean were
happily married in the future? Maybe she would be more helpful.
The funny thing though is. Megan 50 % thinks that Felicity is telling the
truth and 50 % sure that she's bonkers. Yet Megan - a psychology major no
less - has yet to suggest that she seek serious mental help. Megan just
finds the whole thing amusing either way.
The buzzer rings. It's more flowers. Sean is the only schmuck on the planet
stupid enough to fall for this gag.
Javier is getting a manicure. Elena pops in and yells at him. Apparently,
Javier told her that he had something else important to do instead of help
Elena with something. Elena says "Nice job Bozo. You lost a husband and now
you are pretty close to losing a friend." Man that's cold girl. Oh well at
least they fit in some time for these two in their two hour finale.
Apparently though it will all be spent doing something stupid that has
nothing to do with the real members of the cast that still matter.
Sean and Megan fighting - very good
Javier and Elena fighting - so-so
Javier chases her out only to realize that D&D has been robbed. Elena says
that she didn't do it, but as the main black character on the show - well,
you know who Mark Fuhrman and Officer Coon would arrest.
Javier: What ever happened to the honor system?
Dude you live in New York.
Felicity is doing a time travel potion. Ben catches her and is more than a
little freaked out.
Ben: Yo girl what the F is this?
Ben tells Felicity that he has talked to Noel. Felicity fessus up to Ben on
the time issue. Ben immediately says "You moron everyone knows that you need
a DeLorean to time travel!"
Finally Felicity pulls out the crystal ball.
Felicity: Call your father. He is ill. He will get better. He also has an AA
sponsor named Lauren. Please Please do not fuck her this time!
Ben promises to call but he looks like he wants to take her to Bellevue
Ben runs back to Noel. They both decide that she has psychosis. I would so
love it if she ends up in an insane asylum just like Linda Hamilton in
Terminator 2. I love insane asylum plots.
Charlie Mingus went to Bellevue once and begged to get in.
The guard there said "Dude you so don't want to be in here."
Mingus convinced him that he in fact did. Mingus of course immediately
realized what a colossal mistake he'd made and wound up trying to get out of
the place for like three months. I read that in his autobiography Beneath
the Underdog. The guy is a jazz musician and he mentions music in his
autobiography maybe twice in the whole book.
He spends like 1/3 talking about racism and 2/3 talking about all the women
he had sex with. It must have been co authored by Jerry Springer and Jesse
Jackson or something.
Ben: What do we do?
Noel: I have no idea.
Ben: Well don't look at me you're the brain I'm just the penis!
Ben and Noel visit Felicity. Oh shit girl you better make sure they aren't
carrying a straight jacket.
She asks Ben if he has called his Dad but that would ruin the drama.
They start a Felicity intervention.
Felicity says I swear it is real.
Noel has printed out an article on psychosis from the internet. Felicity
agrees to go to a mental technician. For some reason she doesn't go to the
smoking lady. Probably because smoking lady is so nuts she'd buy this time
travel bit hook line and sinker.
Smoking Lady: So you finally took some steps to become happy. Good for you!
Ben and Noel clearly want the old doormat Felicity back. This new frenetic
sure of herself Felicity is even hotter than the old one to me!
Felicity is hesitant to tell the Dr. her time travel story. Felicity says
"What if I told you that I had a friend who traveled back in time."
The Female Dr. decides to act like a friend because God knows this is more
fun than talking to bulimics who hate their fathers.
Damn it's a good thing that Michael J Fox remembered to tell Doc about the
flux capacitor!
Here is my new prediction. Felicity gets carted away. Ben finally calls his
Dad and then Ben and Noel break her out of the nut house. They are all three
caught jailed, treated with sedative drugs, and lobotomized. Wow and people
didn't like the Seinfeld finale!
Thank god I never went to see K-Pax.
Felicity tells the woman that she wants to go back to her real life. The Dr.
asks why and she says "I already graduated. I want my diploma back right
now."
Felicity should travel the country with Ben and Julie. I'm guessing both of
them would be open to three ways.
The Dr. tells Felicity that she will help her, but in that I just pushed the
alarm button sort of way.
Julie pops in on Sean.
Sean demands to know why she has chosen Ben who has treated her horribly
over him.
Julie says
1) Ben is hotter than you
2) You are annoying
3) Ben is even somehow smarter than you. Do you know how dumb that makes
you?
Julie suggests that Sean should remember how lucky he is to be with Megan.
Julie: You have to settle when you look the way you do.
Well, she was a little more sympathetic than that, but not much.
Dr. Non-Smoker has committed Felicity and explains to Ben and Noel that she
will be there for the rest of her adult existence.
Ben wants to see her.
Felicity: They think I'm bugging. Do you believe me?
Ben: Girl you are bugging.
Felicity suddenly starts to believe that she is in fact bugging.
There was a Spider-Man issue just like this with Mysterio. Mysterio pretends
to be a psychologist who convinces Peter Parker that he is going mad.
Eventually, Spider-Man catches on and kicks his ass. Then again that's just
about every issue of Spider-Man.
God I hate Scooby Doo
Oh my god they want Felicity's shoes and belt. She is so screwed. She is
told the rules by Nurse Ratchet.
Megan finds out that Ben and Noel have locked her up. Megan sticks up for
her and compares them to the town folk of Salem. Wow, with us Jews it's
always the holocaust. With Blacks it is slavery. With Christians it's the
crucifixion. Why can't those witches just forget about Salem already?
Ben and Noel try to commit Megan too. Megan kicks their ass and is snide
about it.
Felicity meets Zoey in the psycho hut! Wow I never saw that coming. Now that
's good writing. Now we know that all that nonsense about her over the last
8 weeks of the show was actually going to pay off in the long run. That's
more amazing than Ben passing O-Chem!
Zoey has never met Felicity so Zoey is freaked out. Felicity introduces
herself and tells her the time travel story about her being engaged to Noel,
who she has also never met. She starts to tell her about her father and the
graphics concern he owns.
Now she's telling everyone. They are going to lobotomize that poor girl in
the next fifteen minutes easy.
Apparently, in the psycho ward Zoey doesn't do her hair.
Actually though, Felicity realizes that by seeing Zoey a person who she only
knows from the future is pretty good evidence that she is not crazy!
Y'know if they end this with her in the booby hatch. This show will become a
legend just like Prisoner. Nevertheless, will someone save my poor dear
Felicity!
Ben's phone rings. Looks like John Ritter just got home. No it's Felicity.
She starts telling Ben about Zoey and the future and her father and his
graphics concern. Ben is less than impressed with her proof. Ben tells
Felicity that this only proves that she is twice as psycho as he previously
thought.
If Felicity were a sports fan, this would be over by now and she'd be rich.
Ben would ejaculate if she got tonight's Knick's score right.
Some Ben Folds music plays. I'm not taking that as a good sign. The last
song I heard by him was all about some depressing abortion.
Ben's phone rings again. He thinks it's Felicity, but it's Lauren. Oh shit.
Ben is even smart enough to know now. Ben puts on his Superman outfit and
flies to Noel. Ben tells Noel about Felicity predicting this. Lauren told
Ben that she told no one. Ben tells Noel that he believes Felicity. Noel is
like Jesus now I'm going to have to institutionalize him too. Even crazy
they still wind up together! This sucks!
Noel refuses to believe the story, but Ben does. Wow Ben deserves her just
for that alone!
Ben's just too vain to believe any other reason for Felicity dumping him.
Zoey checks out of the psyche ward and gets her shoes back. Zoey tells
Felicity that her mood enhancement pills kick ass. Zoey is actually sort of
excited about meeting Noel.
Ben enters and tells Felicity the I believe you news.
He apologizes for having her institutionalized and tries to break her out.
This doesn't look good.
Here come the white coats. Here come the white coats. Oh Jesus. Ben and
Felicity hide in a corner. Suddenly, they make a break for it.
Javier takes a lie detector test over the robbery. Wow, I had forgotten all
about that by now.
Javier lies about his age. He lies about how long he was in the back room.
Best line of all time in the show.
Javier: I want a do over
Examiner: Sir, there are no do overs in lie detection!
Javier throws a hissy fit and admits to the manicure. "I'm guilty of vanity!
Throw the books at me!" It's pretty damn funny stuff and the lie detector
guy responds by saying "Sir, you're embarrassing yourself." I love this lie
detector guy. I hope he gets Felicity. He even sort of looks like me.
Sean brings Megan silk flowers claiming that they are better because they
aren't going to die. That stupid cheap motherfucker.
Sean asks her to dinner. Megan still claims that there is a Paul. I wonder
if Megan is dating George whatever her name was too - you know Jan Brady's
pretend boyfriend.
Megan: Do you think all I can get are one balled losers like you?
Wow I didn't even make that one up.
Megan tells Sean that she needs him to help her with her photography project
at three pm. I smell some revenge coming up. This time Megan is really going
to go medieval on his ass!
Sean is of course too dumb to see anything bad coming. Moron.
Felicity and Ben are hiding out in that non D&D coffeehouse from earlier in
the show. Wow those writers are good. Four years and they finally go to a
new coffee house. You knew there had to be a good reason.
Ben asks Felicity why she came back for Noel. Felicity tells Ben the bad
news about him cheating on her. Cue the who's on first routing.
Ben: I cheated on you. I wouldn't do that
Felicity: You did.
Ben: With who?
Felicity: Well you slept with Lauren.
Ben: I cheated on you with Lauren?
Felicity: No you just slept with her. You cheated on me with Claire.
Here's some more writer genius. Claire is attending their college in the
past. I bet Claire pops up in about a minute and a half.
Ben is still amazed that he passed O-Chem.
Ben apologizes for cheating in the future. Wow, what an understanding guy!
Ben is like hey just stay here now and I won't cheat. I won't even have that
damn baby. If we kill Noel we'll be happy forever. We can work with this.
Ben: I promise I'll never cheat
Felicity is so buying this idea. They kiss.
Someone hold me this is looking like it's going to end more depressing than
Romeo and Juliet. This could be the first prime time teen tragedy ever. That
would be so brilliant!
Megan gives her photography presentation.
It is called
Retribution: When love curdles
It appears to be a bunch of embarrassing pictures of Sean. I wonder if Sean
is getting class credit for this?
Megan embarrasses him and lets him know the boyfriend is imaginary.
Sean is pissed and leaves. She runs after him. He says "This is so mean of
you. I dumped you for love!"
They part angrily.
Ben and Felicity return to her place and are met by Elena, Megan and Julie.
News of her breakout has reached them. Megan mocks Julie for losing Ben to
her again!
I sure hope Felicity doesn't go all postal when she finds out about the
Ben-Julie road trip.
Noel calls. Noel yells at Ben about breaking her out. He asks to talk to
Felicity. Oh uh, the fire alarm rings.
Felicity freaks. She wants Back to the Future right now!!!
Ben wants to stay and redo Senior year his way. "Maybe you didn't come back
for Noel. Maybe you came back for us." Boy is he romantic suddenly or what?
Ben tells Julie the bad news. Julie is doing what she does best. She leaves.
Some people never win.
Megan calls to cancel all of the gifts to herself. The store tells her that
there is a guy named Paul Korsikov who has an account there. Apparently, she
used the witch guy's name who Felicity told her about. Wow, maybe Megan will
marry him.
Javier gives Elena a gift of his elementary school Spanish book and tells
her that he got fired from D&D. Those jerks. Can they do that?
Javier tells Elena that he is sorry that he has been trying to be an actor
and ruined everyone's life. Did anyone ever notice this before? I didn't.
Boy they are really struggling for that Javier and Elena time. Why didn't
Javier get fired the first time through this present. Wow this is so
Catch -22 non linear.
Felicity wonders where Noel is. Ben again wonders at the fact that he
somehow gets an A in O-Chem.
Felicity takes a voicemail message from an officer. Girl you just broke out
of an insane asylum why are you calling back the cops?
The officer tells her some startling news. She starts to cry. She tells Ben
that Noel died in the fire. Now they have to go back to the future. They
better save Elena too or I'm going to be really pissed.
Felicity told Zoey her whole future. She told Ben his. You'd think the fire
might have crossed her mind with Noel.
Ben hugs Felicity unsure whether Noel's death is a good thing for him or
not. I mean he's gone but this way she is always going to feel guilty about
it and thinking about him. Ben can't want that.
Can you believe there is still an hour of this left?
Felicity and Ben pick up Noel's belongings including the eight ball key
chain. Told you that was a sucky gift!
Felicity feels guilty about coming back in time.
They tell Sean the bad news. He is sad.
Megan walks in and says "Who died?"
Now that's pretty damn funny stuff.
Megan tells Felicity the good news about finding Korsikov. They immediately
run to his apartment.
Korsikov turns out to be a creepy old bald guy like me. Korsikov thinks that
his leg is being pulled. Tell him about the flux capacitor girlfriend.
Korsikov lets her in.
He tells Felicity to get a bunch of stuff from the whole cast so he can get
to know them to fix things. Ben has to give him his watch and he isn't happy
about it. Why didn't he just give him that stupid pen Sean gave him when he
thought he was going to die.
Uh oh I'm getting a creepy rape vibe from Korsikov. He pours some wine and
asks her to tell him her whole story. Uh oh I sense clips. I hate clip
shows. Oh no this clip nonsense could take up the next forty minutes. Jesus,
and I was just thinking this would be the greatest episode ever. Show the
clips in ten years like Bill Cosby just did. I've seen all this already.
Hmm I wonder if they will show clips of Lynn. I dug that guy.
I see this ending with Felicity running through the streets yelling out
Merry Christmas to everyone like Jimmy Stewart in It's a Wonderful Life.
Korsikov mocks her for her stupid I crossed the country for Ben story. He
calls her a stalker. We see more clips.
Wow look how young Ben looks. Wow, Ben used to be sort of a Luke Perry knock
off.
Amazing I am digging these clips. Maybe because this show was hardly ever
rerun. That's how the Beach Boys comeback started. They stopped selling
their records for years and then when they finally re released them they
were bigger than the McRib.
Cue the last 80 episodes or so!
Wow look how young Noel looks. This is so fun.
Oh no there she is crying as the Bride of Frankenstein.
Wow Noel tells Felicity that she will still be going through the Ben/Noel
thing in five years and he was right. "Stay in New York or perish."
Cue the boggle games. Damn my old girlfriend liked to play Boggle too. I'm
crying. She should have gone back in time to year one and just killed
Hannah. That would have been a good ending!
I wonder if she will cut her hair this time through?
As Felicity remembers it all Korsikov start making a creepy mural out of all
of their stuff. Felicity asks for some time to mourn Noel so we can take a
commercial.
Korsikov brings her some Kleen-ex and asks about Felicity's friends.
Cue the Javier clips. Wow it's Javier with a hair piece!
Cue the Megan clips. Megan mocks Felicity for wearing nothing but sweaters.
Wow, year one of this show was so good.
Cue the Elena clips. Gee I wonder when Felicity will remember that she's
dead too.
Hey I heard Tracy was coming back to this show. Maybe Felicity will get them
back together too. You know the whole Back to the Future my dad is suddenly
a rich author ending.
Cue the Sean clips. Cue the Lact-os. Cue about a hundred other inventions.
Wow Ben has a different haircut in every one.
Korsikov mocks Sean and we all agree.
Oh oh Sean is clucking like a chicken. Even I forgot about that nonsense.
Cue the assless pants!
Cue the Sally clips. Wait there aren't really any Sally clips.
Cue the tape where Felicity says that she wants to have sex and everyone
hears it by accident at the party. I loved that one.
Cue Felicity putting Sex with Noel in her day planner, Noel almost being
raped by Felicity and setting a Christmas tree on fire, yet somehow sleeping
with Simon Rex instead. Wow Noel and fires.
Korsekov: Ben Noel Ben Noel Ben Noel people have watched this crap for four
years?
Cue the clip where Ben stops acting like Luke Perry and starts whispering.
Cue a scene where Ben and Noel yell at each other in the library over
Felicity. For some reason it's subtitled. Hmm anyone know why?
Cue three years of Ben Noel Ben Noel Ben Noel and lots more Ben haircuts.
Oh no she is cutting her hair!!!!!!! Cue some jokes about the world sobbing
over it.
Korsekov doesn't look like he's ever been laid. He's not very sympathetic to
Felicity's everyone wants to bang me problems.
Cue the Charlie Chaplin clips. Are you crying yet America?
I bet they leave out Julie getting date raped!
Cue a thousand scenes of Ben having or about to have sex with Felicity. Cue
Noel crying.
Korsekov suggests that Felicity is better off with Noel dead.
He says that Felicity is holding something back from him. She pulls out the
eight ball key chain. Wow what closure. These writers kick Shakespeare's ass
any day of the week. I'm almost believing that this show was really worth
missing all of those Wing Wing episodes and being mocked by all my friends.
Korsekov tells Felicity to burn all of the possessions that he has made into
a huge art project that should get him into honors art. Damn every good art
project goes up in flames on this show. What does that mean?
Haven't we had enough fires this episode!!
Luckily she decides to just light a bunch of candles instead.
Felicity goes to bed with Ben hoping that she will wake up in the past which
was the future.
Felicity references Ben calling the Chaplin movie a time machine. The
writers want to tell us that they've been planning this for four years. I'm
not convinced but nice effort.
Ben asks Felicity to forgive him if they show up back in the future. She
agrees. Ben again apologizes for what he hasn't done yet. It's actually
quite touching.
Looks like Noel better be happy with Zoey.
Felicity falls asleep and wakes up.
Sean Megan Noel and Javier tell her that she had been sick and having a
funky dream. She's back in the past which is the future.
"I had a dream and you were there and you were there and you were there."
Felicity and Ben talk. No one mentions Elena being dead.
Ben apologizes for what he has actually done in the exact same way that he
did the night before. Word for word. "I am so sorry for what I did. It was
stupid and immature and it was unforgivable and I know that this is an
impossible thing for me to ask, but you have to find a way to forgive me to
because I don't want to live my life without you.
My eyes are flooding like well like a flood.
Felicity forgives Ben. They kiss.
Noel marries Zoey to the same Sarah McClaughlin song they played after the
Columbine massacre.
Javier catches the bouquet - hey that's how you spell it. Hey what is this.
Elena's at the wedding with Tracy. How the fuck did that happen? I bet
people will be debating this one forever. Someone call the Philosophy
professors in from Yale and Harvard.
They all drink a toast and are happy forever.
Ok that was the best thing ever except for the mysterious rebirth of Elena.
I'm really really confused! I hope they gave Lauren an abortion while they
were at it.
Someone write me with your best Elena Resurrection Theory!
Here's mine. Felicity told her to wear her seatbelt before going to
Korsikov's just like in Back to the Future where Doc Brown wore the
bulletproof vest. Tracy is back because they paid him. Must have been edited
for time restraints!
Actually I still think I like her and Ben in the loony bin together better,
but clearly I have issues.
Thanks for all the nice people who have emailed me it's helped me through a
tough two years.
Personally, I'm totally lost. I feel like John Cusack right after he lost
his virginity to that Peter Gabriel song in Say Anything. Someone hold me.
See you on the WE channel.
--
Michael Calvert
>Felicity. For some reason it's subtitled. Hmm anyone know why?
>
Sadly, I actually remember. The portion of the scene preceding that moment was
all wispered so lightly that it had to be subtitled so you knew what they were
saying. They kept the subtitles there when Noel shouted for humor.
And btw, thanks for your Felicity Commision posts. They were often better than
the eps in season 3 & 4. "Next week, Noel burns in hell" All time favorite,
just edging out your story of walking in on your naked grandfather screwing in
a light bulb.
MjC
'Play "the dead and the home" game and the other games' --Hais
SuComp
SUE
You can take me down to show me your home not the place where you live but the
place where you belong you can bend my ear we can talk all day just make sure
I'm around when you've finally got something to say
Toad the Wet Sprocket
SuComp
for.
poldy
suc...@aol.comnojunk (SuComp) wrote:
> Brad you should pick another one hour drama like this one to do a commission
> for.
He did Jack N' Jill, which took up the same time slot for awhile. If
Felicity continued, that's what we could have ended up with so maybe
it's good that they ended the show.
Another show with a good-looking cast deserving of mocking ... my vote
is for Buffy or Angel. Only problem is that the people on those groups
are so damn serious that they'd be offended by someone goofing on their
precious shows.
SuComp
>is for Buffy or Angel. Only problem is that the people on those groups
>are so damn serious that they'd be offended by someone goofing on their
>precious shows.
Those would be good but you are right, the people are very serious about their
shows. Getting into very very long discussions about the morality of different
actions of the characters etc. They always use spoilers too they are so afraid
of offending each other.
UnkieVince
My Thanks, Brad!
brad laidman
It's a brave new world
No not just because Felicity is off the air. My best friend used to love
that book. He read it in around 8th Grade and treated it like he had
received the word of God or something. "You guys will never understand until
you've read brave new world." Personally, I just found it to be really
depressing except for that part where it's every person's duty to have sex
with anyone who wants to have sex with them. I really liked that part. It
almost seems like that's starting to go on now at high schools all across
the county at least if Oprah and Dr. Phil are to be believed. I changed my
mind around the time that I was losing my mind. Before I was labeled as
having chemical depression, I just never felt right. I would have one day a
month where I didn't feel physically lousy and that day just depressed the
hell out of me because I knew how good life could be if I would just be
lucky enough to feel that way more than once a week or so.
The part that always fascinated me was the choice that the hero has to make
at the end of the book. He can understand how the world works and be
miserable because there is nothing he can do to change it or he can join
every one else in insane happiness by taking drugs that delude him into
thinking the world is just the greatest. I used to always identify with the
hero's choice to know the truth and be miserable. What integrity!!
"But I like the inconveniences."
"We don't," said the Controller. "We prefer to do things comfortably."
"But I don't want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I
want freedom, I want goodness. I want sin."
"In fact," said Mustapha Mond, "you're claiming the right to be unhappy."
"All right then," said the Savage defiantly, "I'm claiming the right to be
unhappy."
"Not to mention the right to grow old and ugly and impotent; the right to
have syphillis and cancer; the right to have too little to eat; the right to
be lousy; the right to live in constant apprehension of what may happen
tomorrow; the right to catch typhoid; the right to be tortured by
unspeakable pains of every kind." There was a long silence.
"I claim them all," said the Savage at last.
Then I changed my mind. I was making a ton of money for doing practically
nothing, but the hours and the boredom were just killing me. Every couple of
days or so I would be up all night from insomnia. I just felt tired and
exhausted every single moment of every single day. I just knew that I was
heading for a crash. Around this time I was offered a chance to basically
work for myself. It was really risky but it promised the chance of
eventually making my own hours and possibly making a fortune at the same
time. Now I'm very conservative. Under normal circumstance I would have said
that this move was completely insane. I was already getting paid more money
than I knew what to do with to do something with almost no stress involved.
To go off on my own meant that I would suddenly have lots of stress and
worry and almost no job security. Like I say under normal circumstances I
would totally have passed. Believe me I'm no megalomaniac. I don't need to
rule the world to be happy, but my hours were just killing me. When I quit
my job I was asked if anything would make me change my mind. They were
actually willing to offer me a raise not to make this risky choice and I
asked them if there was any way that they would pay me half as much money to
work only half of the year, which they weren't keen on. So I went for it.
Unfortunately, I cracked up about three weeks later.
Almost immediately, I was completely convinced that I had made a
tragically bad choice. I was so worried about failing that I made myself
twice as miserable as I would have been had I actually failed. The second I
started my new pursuit things just looked really bleak to me. Every day I
would read the Wall Street Journal about guys who just lost really high
paying jobs and were now lounging around in public library's wondering what
do with their lives. I just went nuts with worry and I couldn't stop
thinking that I had completely screwed up my life. "You were getting paid
bank to do nothing! What could you have possibly been thinking?" I was just
miserable. Two days really stick out.
On the first day, I was taking a forty minute train ride from Chicago to
Evanston to go play basketball. The whole way down there I just can't get
this job worry out of my mind. I get to the gym. I change out of my winter
clothing. I grab a basketball and I realize that I'm too nuts to play. So I
put my clothes back on and head over to a friend of mine whose wife had just
had a baby. I was there for about ten minutes before I just had to get out
of there. I was too nuts to talk to anyone at that time. His wife was going
through really severe post-partum depression at the time and she told my
friend "Wow he looks worse than I do!" right after I left.
Finally, I found myself at work one day just completely out of my mind. I
was standing in a trading pit on the floor of the Chicago Board Options
Exchange. It was fifteen minutes until the closing bell and I was so insane
that I knew that there was no way I could make it through those 15 minutes
without leaving the floor immediately. I was so worried about failing that I
had ensured my own failure. That was the crash. I just knew for sure that my
life was over. A psychiatrist had to basically talk me down from a ledge and
convince me to take a bunch of Zanex because I had barely slept in four
days. Eventually, my parents came to get me.
I wound up in this psychiatrist's office. I'm so screwed up that my knee is
pumping rapidly up and down and I couldn't do anything to stop it. That was
my Brave New World moment. The psychiatrist told me that I had chemical
depression and that if I just started taking pills that I would finally feel
better and be happier. In Brave New World, the drug was called Soma. Here it
was essentially Prozac and wow it sure seemed as if almost everyone in the
world was starting to take it. Wow was that spooky. I had predicated my
whole life believing that there was nothing worse than selling out and
compromising one's beliefs. It was essentially the reason that I had never
really drank or experimented with drugs. I wanted to live my life as
undeluded as possible. I wanted to live a hero's life. Then I thought about
where this attitude had gotten me. I was after all right on the brink of
losing my mind. So I did what just about every single person throughout time
has done. I sold out and admitted that I was just another lemming. I can't
take it anymore. Begin with the euthanasia. Sorry about that Aldous.
One guy who I idolized that never sold out was Bill Hicks. He was just like
the hero in Brave New World and told the truth until the day he died. Hicks
believed that corporations were taking over the world and that they were
using television as their drug to conquer our minds and souls. "Go back to
bed America. Your Government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back
to bed America. Your Government is in control again. Here. Here's American
Gladiators. Watch this. Shut up. Go back to bed America. Here's American
Gladiators. Here is 56 channels of it. Watch these pituary retards bang
their skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom.
Here you go America. You are free to do as we tell you! You are free to do
as we tell you!"
The other day my phone got disconnected and I realized how totally right
that guy was. It used to be that they would let you not pay for a couple of
months and I've always been too lazy to pay my bills on time, but apparently
those guys have put down the hammer. Those jerks cut me off over forty five
dollars. Bastards.
I use ATT-Broadband for my local phone service. Wow, didn't the government
break up that corporation for having a monopoly. I thought so but then I
realized that not only did I use them for my local phone service, but for my
long distance, my internet service, and my cable TV as well. Wow, is that
one stop service or is that George Orwell flinging a copy of 1984 at me? Of
course I can't use my phone to call ATT and pay my bill so I had to go over
to my neighbor's place and borrow her phone. When ATT cuts off your phone
they don't even let you still call 1-800 numbers like their own. So I dialed
up ATT sure that I was going to be wandering through their evil voice mail
for at least an hour before I got to actually talk to a human being. When I
finally got through a woman told me that she could take my payment by credit
card and start my service up in five days or I could go to the payment
center in town and only have to wait 24 hours or so. "C'mon I use you guys
for everything. I only owe you $45 dollars. Is there a supervisor I could
talk to?" You see phone representatives are like Nazi underlings. They have
no ability to do anything but what the corporation's book tells them to do.
They have absolutely no discretion. While this is all going on. My neighbor
is hilariously insisting that I tell this woman that my wife was about to
have a baby and that it was essential that my phone service be reactivated
immediately.
The phone rep tells me that yes I can talk to a supervisor if I hold on for
say 45 minutes or so. Wonderful. Of course, by then the payment center would
be closed and I would be completely screwed. My neighbor began insisting to
talk to the phone rep, and I figured "Why not that mindless automaton
deserves it." Anyway either the story wasn't very believable or ATT couldn't
care less whether my unborn baby is never born, because I was soon on my way
to the payment center.
Here's another scary "It's 1984 moment." You know that you are controlled
when people have the right to make you pay exorbitant amounts of interest.
Now I owed ATT about 45 dollars for say a month or so. As a penalty for this
I was disconnected and forced to pay a $30 dollar reconnection fee. Now let'
s see. Interest rates are currently about 1.5 %. That means that ATT is
charging me around 800%. Where are those nice leg breaking loan sharks when
you need them?
To say the least I'm a little pissed. As I'm driving to the payment center,
I'm listening to this guy on the radio explain how the Catholic Church has
just spent a ton of money on public relations directors to help them deal
with the whole child molesting priests scandal. Hmm who said religion was
the opiate of the masses? The ATT-Broadband payment center is a lot like the
DMV. There's always a long slow moving line and it's only the poor and
uneducated that are in it. The smart people apparently know how to pay their
bills on time.
The line was just like I expected. It was long and it was filled hundreds of
poor overweight people with tons of annoying children waiting in line to
save their cable TV service. That's when Bill Hicks popped up next to me
laughing his ass off. "Hee hee. You moron. I was right. The world is over.
You're all fat, religion programmed morons doing nothing but bringing more
kids into the world while rutting to the television brought to you by
corporations who want you to do nothing but work your ass to the bone so
you can afford to buy the stuff that television indoctrinates you into
believing will finally make you happy. Go back to bed America. Here's George
Michael for Diet Coke. Here's American Gladiators."
For a second, I thought about leaving that line into hell. I thought about
flipping off ATT-Broadband and their devilish gifts of television, internet
porn and phone sex. You know what I did. I paid my bill. Got a couple of
burgers from McDonalds. Got in bed and watched some really mind numbing TV.
For most of the night I was watching the NBA playoffs - the Los Angeles
Lakers vs. the Sacramento Kings. I love the NBA for some reason despite the
fact that I know it's almost as scripted and fixed as the World Wrestling
Federation which is now for some reason spelled WWE. The NBA sold out to you
guessed it - television. Television controls the NBA. If the team, that wins
it all isn't the one from a big city filled with stars who sell you Nike
tennis shoes then television doesn't make any money. To ensure that this
doesn't happen the NBA has long been known to have their referees decide
their game's outcome. Nothing in recent time has shown this more that this
Lakers and Kings series. After six games the team that shot the most free
throws has won every game. Who decides who shoots the free throws? The
referees. After four games this series was a 2-2 tie. Now the NBA and NBC
wants the Lakers to win because they are the big city with the big stars,
but they don't want them to win quickly. NBC needs the series to go the full
seven games so they can make as much money as humanly possible. Sacramento
wins game five due to the fact that the Lakers best player Shaquille O'Neal
is harassed by the referees and fouls out. This means that the Lakers have
to win tonight's game six for the series to go the full seven games. Somehow
tonight the referees decide not to call many fouls of O'Neal. He scores 39
points, the two guys trying to guard him both foul out of the game and the
Lakers shoot an ungodly 27 free throws in the forth quarter alone. The
Lakers win and I can't stop laughing amazed that Hulk Hogan or the Rock isn'
t playing for the Lakers too. "Go back to bed America. Game 7 is on Sunday!"
During commercials I flip around and watch what just has to be the silliest
most despicable crap ever, which means it's just like any other night. On
MTV I'm watching a reality program about young men and women who are trying
to become members of the World Wrestling Federation. One of the contestants
is a girl who gets drunk out of her mind and starts making out with another
guy in a hot tub. Hicks would love this. He used to always point out that
television's biggest product was alcohol the number two killer drug in the
world. Keep drinking. Keep rutting America. Sadly, this girl wakes up the
next day feeling very guilty. She's so guilty that she calls her boyfriend
to apologize. I figure that this is a good idea since her boyfriend isn't
likely to miss this when it is finally aired on MTV. She promises her
boyfriend that she just gave the guy a peck on the lips despite the fact
that we've just watched her stick her tongue down the guys throat for like
the last 40 minutes. Sadly, he breaks up with her anyway. She is very sad.
Things don't look good for her future as a professional wrestler either.
The other thing I watch is on VH1, which surprise is owned by the same
gigantic corporation that owns MTV. It is the top ten television moments in
the career of Celine Dion. Hicks would have hated Celine. She'd be another
no talent singer that he'd compare to the spawns of Satan, whose mere
presence on the planet is to make tons of money by selling you Diet Coke and
getting you to lower your artistic standards. When he was alive it was
Debbie Gibson, Vanilla Ice, Micheal Bolton and Marky Mark. Here's how Hick's
described them "Ball-less Soul-less Spirit-less little Corporate fucking
puppets, suckers of Satan's cock each and every one of them." Now I can't
think of a better example than Celine. Just horrible music made by a
supremely self indulgent semi artist completely full of herself with a
strong singing voice who couldn't evoke true emotion if her heart depended
on it. This may almost be as good as Mariah Carey's top 10 TV moments.
What makes this just perfect is that here are her greatest moments on that
drug television told to us by a television network and explained to us by a
bunch of so called journalists who tell us why all of these moments were so
special. I can't take my eyes off of the screen. Here are people who have
sold out so much to be on television that they are willing to talk about
what a wonderful talented person Celine Dion is and how impressive it is
that television has crowned her as a sort of new God. I forget were there
any journalists talking about how great REO Speedwagon, Barry Manilow and
Styx were in the early 80's? No? Guess MTV was too young back then. "Winning
that Grammy was so huge for Celine because it meant that she was finally
accepted as a great artist by her peers and she was just so magnanimous in
thanking everybody especially her forty years older than her millionaire
husband Rene." Wonderful stuff. I was sort of sad that it was time to go to
bed so I could get enough sleep to get up at 4:30 the next morning to work
10 hours for $100,000 a year less than what I was making ten years ago. I
sure hope the Lakers win this Sunday.
--
UnkieVince
That's Jackie of www.planetjackie.com
oh, and BTW..... she won the contract.
... and her boyfriend is her "webmaster".