Doug and Carol Fanfiction: Kiss of Life
jtur...@juno.com
Here's a DC-R fanfic, NC-17 for adult situations, which means consensual,
heterosexual sex.
The show ER, and all characters and situations borrowed from it, are
property of Constant-C, NBC, Warner Brothers, etc. This fanfiction is
for entertainment only, and no money is made from it. The story contains
graphic scenes and words which may offend some readers, and as such, it
is not appropriate for children under 18. This story is not to be
archived or distributed without the permission of the author.
Stories in the series can be found in chronological order at:
http://members.tripod.com/~maraldo/jordan.html
http://www.geocities.com/TelevisionCity/Studio/5437/jordan.htm
http://members.tripod.com/~erfanfic/jordan.html
and at:
http://www.jsentertainment.com/gilbert/terffa/
Stories in the series:
A Clean Break; Stages of Ending; Retribution; Covenant; Tap-dance; Free
Falling; Blink of an Eye; Vivisection; Keepsakes; In the Steam; Through
the Night; Cornerstone; Domesticity; Caretaker; To CH; The Empty Space;
Tenderhearted; Intoxicated; The Present; Summit; The Harbor, Part I; The
Harbor, Part II; Expectations; Joint Venture; Kiss of Life
My thanks to Elizabeth for editing (your hand is always evident in the
finished product, and for that I'm grateful) and to Ruth for
reading/reassuring :)
This story is dedicated to my dear friend who has shared so much with
me. Thanks for letting me share my writing with you.
Kiss of Life
by Jordan
jtur...@juno.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There must have been an angel by my side
Something heavenly led me to you
Look at the sky
It's the colour of love
There must have been an angel by my side
Something heavenly came down from above
He led me to you
He led me to you
He built a bridge to your heart
All the way
How many tons of love inside
I can't say
When I was led to you
I knew you were the one for me
I swear the whole world could feel my heartbeat
When I lay eyes on you
Ay ay ay
You wrapped me up in
The colour of love
-- Sade Abu
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He'd held many hearts in his hands during his career as a doctor, but
never had he done so as a lover. This was different. Now that she had
finally given herself over to him, shared her secrets and taken the veil
off that concealed her soul, he found he was awed by what her heart
contained. Her emotions, the depths of her feelings were revealed to
him as they grew in her and although he struggled at times to understand
her, never once was he intimidated in trying to do so.
Carol had never been more content in her life. Once she'd given him the
chance, he'd proven to her that her life with him could be better than
it had ever been before. They sought each other out constantly, always
waiting to share a joke, a laugh, a smile, a dream. They spent long
hours talking, planning things, confiding in each other. Happiness
threatened to overwhelm her.
The change in her caused even more dramatic changes in him. He felt
comfortable talking about everything with her, being honest and
straightforward. And out of this change came other transformations.
They'd made a decision in their own simple way, a decision to have a
baby. It had grown out of circumstances. Neither of them had ever
seriously discussed it before, never really even given it a thought,
unless using birth control counted as discussion. They realized,
though, through their disappointment that they weren't accidentally
pregnant, that they both wanted the same thing. He was at the point in
his life where he was ready to give of himself, and she was ready to
move forward, to further her happiness.
He reveled in this new-found closeness and expected things to continue
on the same smooth path. That's why her current change of heart was so
disturbing to him. What had begun as a mutual yearning turned into
another one of Carol's projects. It surprised him, eventually, that it
took him so long to figure out what she was doing.
Carol had fully anticipated, specifically after their first passionate
night of trying, that she would be pregnant and expecting a baby
quickly. When it didn't happen, she was surprised, but took it in
stride, figuring it would really be unlikely the first month. September
came and went, bringing with it no good news. By the end of October,
she was on a mission; a mission of such grave importance she was afraid
to share it with anyone for fear of exposing how very important it was.
Afraid for some reason to confide in Doug, until he forced the issue.
"Hey, Carol, I'm waiting. Come to bed." He smiled that wicked smile,
the one that usually made her heart pound.
Carol sat on the bed, pulling her hair out of her eyes. "Doug, I'm
kinda beat. Not tonight, okay?"
"Um hmm." He frowned slightly. "That makes...three nights in a row.
Everything okay?"
"I'm fine, Doug. Maybe tomorrow."
Doug, who had never paid any attention to her cycle, now began to sense
a pattern to her reluctance and conversely, her willingness. She was
scheduling their lovemaking. And he was offended by it. Making love in
accordance with a calendar was unnatural for him.
One evening, after she reached for him in bed enthusiastically and they
made love, he decided to broach the subject.
"What's this about?"
"What's what about?"
"This. You turn me down one week, practically attack me the next."
"Doug," she reasoned, "there are just times when it's more likely to
happen. We have to take advantage of them."
He was perturbed. She'd been pushing this issue for a while now,
and he'd had about enough. "Carol, I know how it works. And I want
this, too. I just don't want to schedule things, that's all. It'll
happen when it happens."
She sighed deeply. He made sense, but for some reason the need inside
of her was making her obsessive, driven to do this.
If he didn't respect her, he would not have tolerated this intrusion for
as long as he did. It was a funny thing, but their intimacy was, in a
sense, sacred to him. It was the way they regenerated after a difficult
day, a vacation away from the stress in their lives. Time for private
talks. Long, unhurried stretches of lovemaking where he could make her
shiver with desire, where she would make it easy for him to expose the
depths of his feelings to her by virtue of her sweetness. He wondered,
though, if it still meant all that to her, too.
Around the time Carol started to pay attention to her body rhythm and
her fertility, Doug was struggling to get his feet under him in the
pediatric E.R. She'd teased him Halloween night about his work habits,
but she was resentful. There were nights she'd waited in bed for him,
only to wake up and find him asleep in a chair, papers strewn all around
him. Scheduled days off where she anticipated they'd spend time
together that he decided to go in to work, trying to get a handle on the
workload. Days and nights that had become lost opportunities, to her
disappointment.
Doug came home on one such night and he was exhausted. He'd stayed up
until 3 that morning battling paperwork, gotten very little sleep, then
woke again to put in a full day at work. By the time he got into bed
that evening, it was all he could do to remember to set the alarm for
the morning. Carol climbed into bed next to him and snuggled by his
side, letting her hand roam. She felt him relax, then as her fingers
moved downward, felt his erection grow in response to her play.
"Doug, before you go to sleep, I want to spend a little time with you."
"Carol...." His raspy voice trailed off and she was afraid he was
falling asleep.
"Hey, stay awake. Just for a few minutes."
Doug slurred his words, his eyes still closed. "Uh uh -- I'm tired
tonight. I need to go to sleep, we can in the morning. I can't stay
awake."
"C'mon, Doug."
Her tone of voice bothered him. Doug was surprised at her insistence,
especially because she knew he'd had little sleep and was emotionally
and physically drained from the demands of his new job. "I'm tired,"
he reiterated, opening his eyes to look at her. "I'm wiped out, I'm
going to sleep."
Carol shook her head. "Doug, don't be selfish," she said under her
breath.
Now, despite his exhaustion, she had his attention. He turned to her.
"Selfish? What's that supposed to mean?" He could not believe what he
heard from her and was taken aback, filled with confusion. This was not
the woman he'd come to know over the past few months, not the way he'd
imagined this would be.
"Oh, I don't know, I guess you don't want this as much as I do."
"Carol, that has nothing to do with it. It's the way you're going about
this. You're not reaching for me tonight because you want to make love
to me. You just want me because the timing is right." He was so quiet,
she had to strain to hear him. His voice was hoarse. "You're rationing
our lovemaking, turning me down night after night...is this how it's
gonna be? How you want to conceive a baby? Like this?" He stared at
the ceiling, bewildered.
"I don't know," she admitted, her voice hushed.
"Because if this is how it's gonna be, I don't want it."
She went to stand up, but he held her back.
"I can't understand why you're so anxious, and I don't like things this
way. It's like it's thoughtless. Mechanical. Like it has nothing to
do with love." She turned to him and saw that his face was full of
sadness. "Carol, all those years apart.... Making love to you,
conceiving a child, has everything to do with love."
She sat up and pulled her knees to her chest, thinking. "You're right.
Maybe it's a 'woman thing.' I've blown this out of proportion. It's
just that I...I feel like I'm living my life in two-week increments:
Two weeks to find out if I'm pregnant, then, if I'm not, two weeks to
wait until we can try again. I am so disappointed when I get my period.
I want this so much, and I'm so afraid it won't happen."
"That's the thing. This focus on 'trying'? You're letting this control
you. Control us. It shouldn't. It'll happen when the time is right."
"I know, I know."
Doug looked over at her, reaching up to smooth her hair. "Remember how
it was, that first night we tried?"
Carol thought and nodded.
He continued gently, "That's what I had in mind. To look back and
smile." Moving closer to her, Doug took her into his arms. "Things
will work out. We'll be buying diapers before you know it. C'mere. Can
I hold you?"
"Yeah," she said, cuddling to him, looking sad and defeated. Carol
sighed.
Doug could see, then, how much she had invested in this dream. How much
it meant to her, how strong her desire was to have a baby. "Thinking
about it a lot?" he asked.
"Um hmm." She was on the verge of tears, he saw as he turned her face
toward him.
"Which room do you think for a baby?" he whispered.
She looked up gratefully. "Whatever you say."
"What's it gonna look like?"
"Hmm?"
"The room."
Carol breathed a sigh of contentment, realizing how he was trying to
smooth things between them. "I saw a stencil the other day. It had
bunnies on it, you know? One was smelling a flower, one was chasing a
butterfly, the last one was eating a blade of grass. It was adorable.
I'd love to do something like that on the walls. I want to take my time
and fix it up, make the room beautiful."
"Then we will," he said in a sleepy voice.
Carol could sense that he wouldn't last much longer, that he was trying
to stay awake for her sake. "We'll talk some more tomorrow. Good night,
Doug. Get some rest." She laid her head on his shoulder and closed her
eyes, hearing his deep, even breathing as he was already asleep.
*****
Doug awakened to the feeling of her body pressing to him, the warmth
of her breasts against his back. Carol kissed his shoulder and moved up
to the nape of his neck, tracing designs on his skin with her tongue,
sucking gently, then grazed him with her teeth. She grinned inwardly at
his moans, at the reach of his hand, the turn of his head, always happy
that her lovemaking affected him, how aroused he became under her touch.
Her hand slid down his stomach and her fingertips skimmed his penis,
feeling its inevitable hardness. Doug, still so sleepy, but
pleasantly surprised, took her in his arms, wanting their play to
continue.
"I can't get enough of you," she purred.
His voice was husky with sleep. "C'mere, little girl, what are you
doing, waking me up like this?"
"I'm taking advantage of you."
"Don't stop." He nuzzled her neck and smelled the sweetness of her hair
and let her climb on top of him. She leaned over, offering her breasts
to him and he leisurely rolled his tongue around her nipples, causing
her to moan and pull his head into her breast as she demanded more.
"Hey, hey," he teased, "no grabbing the back of my head. You'd be pissed
off if I did that to you."
She giggled and pulled harder. "Well, I won't choke you."
"Oh, really?" he laughed. "We'll see." With that, he pulled her hips
down toward him and entered her, his eyes never leaving her. "Ahh,
Carol, so tight." Carol fell forward, pushing her breasts into his
face, wanting to feel his warmth on her skin, needing his mouth once
again.
"Look at you, all demanding in the morning," he said seductively and he
wrapped his lips around he stiff nipple, tugging on it while his tongue
teased it further. "You're getting me all wet, Carol."
She grinned and moved faster, feeling needy, wanting more. Always
wanting more.
*****
She thought about that morning, the morning that she'd thought was timed
perfectly, mid-cycle, the morning she was certain they'd conceived. And
instead, there she was at work, sitting in a bathroom stall, her period
once again starting, holding back tears of frustration, not wanting
Lucy to hear her, not wanting anyone to know. When she told Doug, she
did so with a fairly even tone, although she knew by his reaction that
he wanted to find some way to appease her, to give her something to look
forward to. As the work day came to a close, she thought about how good
it would be to get home and put her feet up, drink a glass of wine and
forget her disappointment.
He almost ran into her, walking into the lounge as Carol was walking out
with her coat on.
"Ready?" she asked.
"Hey, listen. Mark needs a place to stay tonight, his place is being
fumigated or something. I told him he could stay with us -- okay?"
Oh, damn. She really just wanted to be alone tonight. But, it seemed
important to Doug, so what could she say? "Sure, that's fine. Can we
stop at Jewel on the way home? There's nothing to eat."
"You sure it's okay?"
"Yup," she answered and waited for him to get his coat on as well.
They stopped at the store and then got home in time to see Mark walking
from the El to their house.
"Hey, Mark," Carol greeted him.
Mark smiled, pointing to the grocery bags. "Provisions?"
"Yeah, the cupboard was definitely bare," she answered.
Doug and Mark worked on getting him settled and were making the bed
upstairs while Carol finished dinner. Mark was surprised at the amount
of work they'd done on the house since he was there during the summer.
"When did you guys start fixing the upstairs?"
"Coupla months ago."
"Why'd you start on the bedroom now? It's only the two of you."
"Well, Carol wants them done, for her mother in case she needs
a place to stay. Or," he grinned, "for friends who need a place to
crash."
"I can't believe the job you've done on the house."
"Yeah, we spend a lot of time...and money...doing it, but it's turning
out okay, I think. I remember the first time I saw it. What a mess.
But, you know, like everything she touches, it's turning out great."
"What's next, after this bedroom?"
Doug looked past Mark, remembering Carol's discussion about the nursery.
"Maybe the other bedroom. That's what she wants. I wanted to redo the
bathrooms, but she likes them the way they are, so I dunno what's next."
When they came downstairs, Mark excused himself to wash his hands and
get ready to eat. He looked around the bathroom and felt immediately
nostalgic. Two robes hung from the hooks, two razors were placed on the
windowsill near the tub: one pink, one stainless steel. His cologne
was next to her perfume. There were signs of togetherness, of
contentment, all over the house. Mark sighed, dried his hands and
walked out, feeling lonely. He heard quiet whispers from the kitchen
and slowed down, trying not to hear, trying to give them a minute more
alone.
"...disappointed, too...feel okay?"
Mark then heard her voice murmur something in reply, then Doug's again,
just making out a few words.
"...keep trying...."
Mark cleared his throat and walked into the kitchen in time to see them
separate quickly.
"Just in time, Mark, dinner is ready," Doug announced. Carol had
prepared a huge salad with tomatoes, onions, basil and dressing, a
roasted chicken from Jewel, rolls, along with steamed broccoli and
cauliflower.
"The house looks great, Carol. Doug was telling me you're going to fix
the other upstairs bedroom next?"
Carol looked swiftly at Doug who indicated with his facial expression
that he'd revealed nothing to Mark. "Yeah, I think," she said. "I'm
kinda getting tired of spackle and paint, though, to be honest with
you."
"Jennifer and I, we never owned a house. I guess you find out how much
goes into it when you look back at what it was like. We only ever
had two bedrooms, one for us and one for Rachel. Looks like you'll have
plenty of room here if you ever want to fill up those upstairs rooms."
Doug noted Carol's expression and chimed in. "Yeah. Did you see the
fireplace? We just did that a few weeks ago."
"It looks great," Mark agreed. "So, if I'm not being too nosy...you're
living together now and -- any long-term plans?"
Doug chuckled. "Uh, yes and no. Yes, you're being nosy, and no, we
won't discuss that right now."
Mark grinned. "It was worth a shot."
"Mark, can I get you anything else?" Carol chimed in.
"No. Dinner was great, Carol," Mark said, and she smiled.
"Thanks."
They had all had their fill and relaxed with coffee. Doug took note
of the strain on Carol's face.
"Carol, you go sit down, put your feet up, relax and I'll clean up.
You've done enough work for one night," Doug offered.
"You know, maybe I will. I wish I could stay up and talk, but I'm wiped
out and I have a headache." She looked at Doug gratefully.
"Okay," he nodded, eyes fixed on her. "Good night, sweetheart," he said
quietly.
Mark looked up, surprised to hear this from Doug, to see the pure love
on his face. He'd forgotten, sometimes, how it was to be around them,
how they reacted to each other. How you could feel like you were
eavesdropping on their intimacy just by being in the same room.
Doug watched her walk away and realized for the first time how difficult
this had all been for her. Understood how she waited every month for a
sign, a symptom of pregnancy. He regretted chastising her.
Mark interrupted his thoughts. "Things look like they're great between
you two."
"They are," he agreed. "How about you? Seeing anyone?"
"No. No time, really."
"Well, you have to make time," Doug argued.
"You're right. Maybe I will, soon. I'm just trying to get my life in
order," Mark explained.
"Well, you don't have to explain that to me," Doug agreed knowingly.
"You think Carol's okay?" Mark asked, gesturing toward the bedroom.
Doug looked at the closed doors, then looked away. "I'll go check up on
her in a little while. Sounds like she's taking a bath right now." He
didn't want to leave Mark quite so soon, but his heart was on the other
side of the door, with her.
*****
Carol walked into their bedroom and pulled the doors shut. She stripped
off her clothes and ran the tub, pouring a capful of liquid underneath
the roaring faucet, watching the bubbles erupt into a soft, white cloud.
She adjusted the water, trying to make it as hot as possible to relieve
the pain in her back, in her abdomen. She wound her hair around and
around, securing it with a clip to keep it out of her way and then eased
herself into the steaming bath water.
It felt good to surround her body in warmth. She took the soap and
leisurely lathered her arms, her shoulders, her tender, aching breasts.
Carol sighed, thinking she'd been tricked this time. She'd wondered if
the pain was an early sign of pregnancy. She had even pushed Doug away
three nights ago, they were so sensitive. But, no, it hadn't been;
just evidence of her impending period. She knew all the symptoms and
had eagerly looked for them: Frequent urination to the point of waking
up at night to use the bathroom, a slightly bloated, full feeling,
queasiness, breast tenderness. Each month she'd looked for any number
of them, only to be disappointed again.
She soaked for a long time, leaving only because the water turned tepid
and the bubbles disappeared. Stepping carefully out of the tub, she
grabbed a large bath towel and dried her body, then found some
comfortable sweats to sleep in.
*****
Doug walked in and found Carol in bed already, reading a magazine.
She'd been quiet through dinner and he was concerned about her. He
undressed and walked around to his side of the bed, then laid down next
to her, kissing her shoulder.
"Hey. Mark in bed?" she asked.
"No, he's in the living room, watching TV. How's your headache?"
"Wasn't a headache," she confided. "Cramps."
"Sorry. Take anything?"
"Just did, some ibuprofen." She put her magazine down and faced him.
Doug bent his head, smiling tentatively. "We really didn't get a chance
to talk much today. You okay about all this?"
"Yeah."
"Hmmm. Wanna talk about it now?" His lips skimmed her cheek.
"No." She sighed, moving closer to him, kissing him back, then became
quiet for a long stretch. "Well...yeah. I want your baby, Doug, and I'm
so afraid I won't get the chance."
He stroked her arm. "It'll happen. Then it'll be the hot topic for
gossip: 'Did you hear that Nurse Hathaway is carrying Dr. Ross' love
child?.'" He chuckled and smiled at her.
She looked at him, smiling back. "What a beautiful expression, really:
'Love child.'"
He considered this. "Didn't used to be. But, for us, that's what it
would be. A child...conceived while I'm loving you...making love to you
with nothing between us, just you and me. Nothing to stop us, really.
I love this, it's...different."
"Hmm. I know. I've never not used birth control, never made love
trying to have a child. It's a first, our first child. New life."
Doug nodded solemnly, thinking. Remembering things in the past. "Yeah."
Carol stopped, realizing why he was suddenly quiet; knowing there were
some things he simply did not discuss. For the first time, she
considered how he might feel about this, about trying to have a baby.
Wondering if it was dredging up old pain.
He turned to her, though, and smiled. "Whaddya think, boy or girl?"
"I dunno," she admitted. "We were a family of three girls, it would be
nice to have a boy. Then again, a daughter...that would be so
wonderful. I dunno. Whatever. What about you?"
Doug thought this over. "Has to be a girl, I think. Ross men are a
handful."
Carol pressed gently. "How about a son, Doug? Would you like
that?"
He looked up at the ceiling and cleared his throat. "Yeah. Maybe. It
doesn't matter. Either way, I'll be happy."
She paused before venturing forth. "Are you happy? Will you be?"
Doug turned, a questioning look on his face. "Yes. Why?"
"I just want to be sure this is what you really want."
"You know, everything I want is here...right here with you."
"Doug, would it bother you if we had a son?" she asked gently.
Doug turned away, shaking his head, but not before she
caught a glimpse of long-hidden anguish. "Carol...."
She waited for his reply, but he didn't answer her further, so she sank
down in bed to be close to him. "Do you ever wonder?"
So quiet. "Every day."
She was not surprised by his response and waited for him to share more.
"I see kids his age, I can't believe how tall they are. I see babies at
work, hold them and think about the lost opportunity. I wonder who he
looks like. Is he her or me? And I wonder if he hates me. If he
wonders about me. If he even knows about me."
"Do you want to find out?"
His voice was rough. "No. I wouldn't do that to his mother."
She knew so much, yet so little about the circumstances, but she'd never
pressed him before. Tonight, talking about these things gave her
courage. "Do you think he'll seek you out?"
"No."
"Why?"
He fiddled with the sheet nervously, disturbed by her direct questions.
"Because I don't really think his mother ever wants him to. I don't
know what, if anything, she's told him."
"Do you assume that she's spoken badly about you?"
"That would be my assumption, yes." He sighed quietly. "I can't blame
her, really. She had every right. So, I'll never know."
Carol remained silent, thinking for a few moments, then bent down to try
to catch his eye. "And you're willing to live with that?"
"I have to be. It's her choice," he reasoned.
"Doug," she began, shaking her head, "you're older now, things have
changed."
"Carol...nothing's changed. She knows where to find me. She chooses
not to."
"Does she know you've moved?"
"If she chose to find me, she could," he asserted.
"I don't understand what you mean."
"I sent money, letters, years ago through someone who offered to help.
Someone who knows how to reach me."
"And...?"
"They were always returned."
She'd never known any of this. When she looked at his face again, she
could see the stress and sadness within him. Carol scooped him up into
her arms, pressing his head against her neck. "Doug, I'm so sorry,"
she said quietly. "I'm so sorry. I promise, this time will be
different for you. If we're blessed with a baby you'll never be
apart from him."
"Or her," he added, pulling her head down for a kiss.
"Or her," she concurred.
"So, we have to wait a few days before we try again, huh?"
"Yeah," she confirmed. "Just a few days."
"Okay. Hey, Carol....I'm sorry if I've been a pain in the ass about
this. I guess I didn't really know how much it means to you, how much
stress you've been under."
She smiled warmly. "It's because I want it more than anything in the
world."
"Then that's what I want, too. I love you, Carol."
He wrapped her up in his embrace, and held her gently, feeling each
breath she took against his chest, wanting to give her all the happiness
she desired. Wanting that more than anything.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You gave me the kiss of life
Kiss of life
You gave me the kiss that's like
The kiss of life
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The end
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AEMarshl
them together so beautifully. Especially your description of Carol's
frustration when she didn't get pregnant quickly, was so honest and
true-to-life. Thanks for sharing it with us.
Alice.
jtur...@juno.com
Dear Alice:
Well, thank you! It's incredibly rare for me to get any feedback at all from
this list, so this was indeed a pleasant surprise. I appreciate the
feedback.
Jordan