Examples of Very Bad (Yet Humorous) Writing
BTR1701
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides
gently compressed by a thigh master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who
went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking
about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it.
She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog makes just
before he throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.
He was a tall as a six foot three inch tree.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because
of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a
formerly surcharge free ATM.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7 PM instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across a
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at
4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resemble Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East
River.
Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this
plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college
freshman on $1-a-beer night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a
real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or
something.
The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.
He was deeply in love - when she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if
she were a garbage truck backing up.
She was as easy as the TV guide crossword.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any
pH cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal
paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to
the wall.
Stacie Hanes
> Reportedly actual examples taken from high school essays:
> The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
> bowling ball wouldn't.
I have always admired this one. I think it's good--just lays it right out
there. We define things by what they are not, after all.
--
Stacie, fourth swordswoman of the afpocalypse.
AFPMinister of Flexible Weapons
Bondage-happy predator & AFPMistress to peachy ashie passion
AFPDeliciousSnack to 8FED
"If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to be a horrible
warning." Catherine Aird, _His Burial Too_
"swordswomen of the afpocalypse" copyright Jon of afp, 2004.
Don Sample
"Stacie Hanes" <house_d...@yahoo.com> wrote:
> BTR1701 wrote:
> > Reportedly actual examples taken from high school essays:
>
> > The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
> > bowling ball wouldn't.
>
> I have always admired this one. I think it's good--just lays it right out
> there. We define things by what they are not, after all.
And some of them are quite evocative, like:
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.
It conjures up a really vivid image.
--
Quando omni flunkus moritati
Visit the Buffy Body Count at <http://homepage.mac.com/dsample/>
Aaron Davies
> Reportedly actual examples taken from high school essays:
They sound more like Bulwar-Litton entries to me. Where'd you get them?
--
Aaron Davies
Opinions expressed are solely those of a random number generator.
"I don't know if it's real or not but it is a myth."
-Jami JoAnne of alt.folklore.urban, showing her grasp on reality.
lpad...@voicenet.com
8th Grade Language Arts teacher taught us:
It was Christmas Day in the Waxworks
And the snow was raining fast,
When a barefoot man with boots on
Came slowly rushing past.
He turned a straight, crooked corner
And saw a dead donkey die.
He whipped out his gun to shoot it
And stabbed it right in the eye!
BrendanM
news:1108362574....@o13g2000cwo.googlegroups.com...
And this reminds me of something my 6th grade math/science teacher used to
say...
"I come before you to stand behind you.
This Friday afternoon, at Nine AM, there will be a mother/daughter breakfast
(men only invited).
Admission is free, Tickets are seventy-five cents at the door.
If you have questions, please ask one of the people sitting at the corners
of the round table."
Don Sample
<1gry8ys.dhqhxa1hh4408N%aa...@avalon.pascal-central.com.invalid>,
aa...@avalon.pascal-central.com.invalid (Aaron Davies) wrote:
> BTR1701 <btr...@ix.netcom.com> wrote:
>
> > Reportedly actual examples taken from high school essays:
>
> They sound more like Bulwar-Litton entries to me. Where'd you get them?
They've been floating around the internet for years. Before the
internet was widely used, they were distributed by office photocopiers.
Before that they were reproduced by mimeograph machines.
I'm sure that if you look hard enough, you'll find that there was a
version of it in cuneiform, pressed into clay tablets.
Stacie Hanes
> In article <uqWPd.7654$mG6....@newsread1.news.pas.earthlink.net>,
> "Stacie Hanes" <house_d...@yahoo.com> wrote:
>
>> BTR1701 wrote:
>>> Reportedly actual examples taken from high school essays:
>>
>>> The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
>>> bowling ball wouldn't.
>>
>> I have always admired this one. I think it's good--just lays it
>> right out there. We define things by what they are not, after all.
>
> And some of them are quite evocative, like:
>
> McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
> filled with vegetable soup.
>
> It conjures up a really vivid image.
Yes, and I tell my students that clarity is the whole point, so....[1]
[1] Before they'r ready to hear "and elegance, and spelling, and grace, and
a decent vocabulary . . ."
PAUL GADZIKOWSKI
: BTR1701 <btr...@ix.netcom.com> wrote:
:
:> Reportedly actual examples taken from high school essays:
:
: They sound more like Bulwar-Litton entries to me.
Yeah, I'm sure some of these are less examples of poor writing than of
intentional - and successful - humorous intent. (The bowling ball one, for
instance, evokes a favorite line from _Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy_.)
One wonders at the degree of sense of humor of some of the teachers who
contributed.
Paul Gadzikowski, scar...@iglou.com since 1995
http://www.arthurkingoftimeandspace.com New cartoons daily.
"Power, pitch, yaw and roll."
Stacie Hanes
> Don Sample wrote:
>> In article
>> <1gry8ys.dhqhxa1hh4408N%aa...@avalon.pascal-central.com.invalid>,
>> aa...@avalon.pascal-central.com.invalid (Aaron Davies) wrote:
>>
>>
>>> BTR1701 <btr...@ix.netcom.com> wrote:
>>>
>>>
>>>> Reportedly actual examples taken from high school essays:
>>>
>>> They sound more like Bulwar-Litton entries to me. Where'd you get
>>> them?
>>
>>
>> They've been floating around the internet for years. Before the
>> internet was widely used, they were distributed by office
>> photocopiers. Before that they were reproduced by mimeograph
>> machines. I'm sure that if you look hard enough, you'll find that there
>> was a
>> version of it in cuneiform, pressed into clay tablets.
>
>
Thanks, that was a good way to start the day.
Eric Jablow
"Stacie Hanes" <house_d...@yahoo.com> wrote:
>
> Yes, and I tell my students that clarity is the whole point, so....[1]
>
> [1] Before they'r ready to hear "and elegance, and spelling, and grace, and
> a decent vocabulary . . ."
A modern update of this has just been published. Read about the
new 'book', _Atlanta Nights_, by 'Travis Tea' at
http://www.lulu.com/travis-tea. Why? The reasons are here:
http://www.sfwa.org/members/travistea/. One quote from its FAQ:
QUESTION: "The world is full of bad books written by amateurs.
But why settle for the merely regrettable?"
ANSWER: "Atlanta Nights is a bad book written by experts."
--
Respectfully,
Eric Jablow
peachy ashie passion
> In article
> <1gry8ys.dhqhxa1hh4408N%aa...@avalon.pascal-central.com.invalid>,
> aa...@avalon.pascal-central.com.invalid (Aaron Davies) wrote:
>
>
>>BTR1701 <btr...@ix.netcom.com> wrote:
>>
>>
>>>Reportedly actual examples taken from high school essays:
>>
>>They sound more like Bulwar-Litton entries to me. Where'd you get them?
>
>
> They've been floating around the internet for years. Before the
> internet was widely used, they were distributed by office photocopiers.
> Before that they were reproduced by mimeograph machines.
>
> I'm sure that if you look hard enough, you'll find that there was a
> version of it in cuneiform, pressed into clay tablets.
>
Which makes them a classic joke, because they are STILL funny.
--
"Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of
scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams."
~ Mary Ellen Kelly
AFPslave to Mistress Stacie
ashes...@verizon.net
shuggie
> BTR1701 wrote:
> > Reportedly actual examples taken from high school essays:
>
> > The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
> > bowling ball wouldn't.
>
> I have always admired this one. I think it's good--just lays it right
out
> there. We define things by what they are not, after all.
>
I prefer Douglas Adams' version -
"Vogon ships are yellow chunky slablike somethings, huge as office
buildings, silent as birds. They hang in the air in much the same way
that bricks don't."
Clever because it's not only a funny line but you instantly get that
sense of how incongruous and unsettling it would feel to see one of
these ships.
Another favourite line along similar lines is from The Light Fantastic
by Terry Pratchett -
"The Luggage said nothing again, only louder this time."
John Briggs
> BTR1701 <btr...@ix.netcom.com> wrote:
>
>> Reportedly actual examples taken from high school essays:
>
> They sound more like Bulwar-Litton entries to me. Where'd you get
> them?
One interesting point about the opening of Bulwer-Lytton's (note spelling)
'Paul Clifford' (1830): "It was a dark and stormy night..." is that it seems
to echo the opening lines of chapter 4 of Mary Shelley's 'Frankenstein'
(1818): "It was a dreary night of November..." According to Mary Shelley's
preface of 1831, these were the first words she wrote of her story - but she
could be mythologizing, and the first to jump on the bandwagon!
--
John Briggs
Speaker-to-Customers
> In article
> <1gry8ys.dhqhxa1hh4408N%aa...@avalon.pascal-central.com.invalid>,
> aa...@avalon.pascal-central.com.invalid (Aaron Davies) wrote:
>
>
>>BTR1701 <btr...@ix.netcom.com> wrote:
>>
>>
>>>Reportedly actual examples taken from high school essays:
>>
>>They sound more like Bulwar-Litton entries to me. Where'd you get them?
>
>
> They've been floating around the internet for years. Before the
> internet was widely used, they were distributed by office photocopiers.
> Before that they were reproduced by mimeograph machines.
>
> I'm sure that if you look hard enough, you'll find that there was a
> version of it in cuneiform, pressed into clay tablets.
Gilgamesh stared at Enkidu in exactly the way that blind-worms don't.
And God said 'let there be light'. And there was light. Pretty bright,
the sort of light you would get as if you lit three score and ten
candles, or maybe like you'd get from a sun, which is what it was.
Isis looked triumphantly at Set, evil god of the underworld, as she
restored the final missing body part to the dismembered body of her
murdered husband Osiris and the good god began to stir. She smirked,
like a Nile crocodile that had just eaten a plump virgin of some
fourteen summers, and declaimed "Game, Set, and match."
Speaker-to-Customers
Aaron Davies
> Gems like these remind me of the old (apparently Victorian-era) poem my
> 8th Grade Language Arts teacher taught us:
[snip]
One fine day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight,
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other,
One was blind and the other couldn't see,
So they chose a dummy for a referee.
A blind man went to see fair play,
A dumb man went to shout "hooray!"
A paralysed donkey passing by,
Kicked the blind man in the eye,
Knocked him through a nine inch wall,
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all,
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And came to arrest the two dead boys,
If you don't believe this story's true,
Ask the blind man he saw it too!
Jane Davitt
> Reportedly actual examples taken from high school essays:
>
>
groups), old as the hills and not particularly useful. Did you post it
by mistake?
(deleted X posting)
Jane
--
BTR1701
Jane Davitt <jdav...@rogers.com> wrote:
> BTR1701 wrote:
> > Reportedly actual examples taken from high school essays:
> Not wishing to be a total killjoy
And yet...
> but this is OT here
Not really. Deals with writing style which is a big part of what this
group is about.
> old as the hills and not particularly useful.
I wasn't aware that a post had to be both fresh and useful in order to
qualify for inclusion. What are the criteria as to how old something can
be and who decides whether something is useful enough to be acceptable?
> Did you post it by mistake?
Not at all.
Jane Davitt
> In article <x7SdneqSX9z...@rogers.com>,
> Jane Davitt <jdav...@rogers.com> wrote:
>
>
>>BTR1701 wrote:
>>
>>>Reportedly actual examples taken from high school essays:
>
>
>>Not wishing to be a total killjoy
>
>
> And yet...
::grin:: And yet.
>
>
>>but this is OT here
>
>
> Not really. Deals with writing style which is a big part of what this
> group is about.
Eh. Posting Buffy/Angel fanfic as I understand it.
>
>
>>old as the hills and not particularly useful.
>
>
> I wasn't aware that a post had to be both fresh and useful in order to
> qualify for inclusion. What are the criteria as to how old something can
> be and who decides whether something is useful enough to be acceptable?
Well, no one as this group is unmoderated, and everyone as it means
we're all free to comment as the mood takes us.
>
>
>>Did you post it by mistake?
>
>
> Not at all.
Hmm.
Jane
--
BTR1701
Jane Davitt <jdav...@rogers.com> wrote:
> BTR1701 wrote:
>
> > In article <x7SdneqSX9z...@rogers.com>,
> > Jane Davitt <jdav...@rogers.com> wrote:
> >
> >
> >>BTR1701 wrote:
> >>
> >>>Reportedly actual examples taken from high school essays:
> >
> >
> >>Not wishing to be a total killjoy
> >
> >
> > And yet...
>
> ::grin:: And yet.
> >
> >
> >>but this is OT here
> >
> >
> > Not really. Deals with writing style which is a big part of what this
> > group is about.
>
> Eh. Posting Buffy/Angel fanfic as I understand it.
Not exclusively. We had a whole thread last week on the merits of
original characters. It was a discussion about aspects of Buffy fiction,
not necessarily the posting of it.
Jane Davitt
>>>Not really. Deals with writing style which is a big part of what this
>>>group is about.
>>
>>Eh. Posting Buffy/Angel fanfic as I understand it.
>
>
> Not exclusively. We had a whole thread last week on the merits of
> original characters. It was a discussion about aspects of Buffy fiction,
> not necessarily the posting of it.
_Buffy_ fiction. OCs _within the Buffyverse_. Not quite the same thing
as your list of apocryphal errors. But whatever.
Jane
--
BTR1701
Jane Davitt <jdav...@rogers.com> wrote:
What do you care anyway? It's not like this group is high traffic. Just
don't read the thread if it bothers you so much.
Jane Davitt
>
>
> What do you care anyway? It's not like this group is high traffic. Just
> don't read the thread if it bothers you so much.
You're right ::shrugs:: Ignore me.
--
Al Lister
PAUL GADZIKOWSKI
: One interesting point about the opening of Bulwer-Lytton's (note spelling)
: to echo the opening lines of chapter 4 of Mary Shelley's 'Frankenstein'
: (1818): "It was a dreary night of November..." According to Mary Shelley's
: preface of 1831, these were the first words she wrote of her story - but she
: could be mythologizing, and the first to jump on the bandwagon!
I dunno, I don't think her version of the line is bad at all. In any case
if she got there first it wasn't a cliche then was it?
John Briggs
> In alt.tv.buffy-v-slayer.creative John Briggs
> <john.b...@ntlworld.com> wrote:
>> One interesting point about the opening of Bulwer-Lytton's (note
>> spelling) 'Paul Clifford' (1830): "It was a dark and stormy
>> night..." is that it seems to echo the opening lines of chapter 4 of
>> Mary Shelley's 'Frankenstein' (1818): "It was a dreary night of
>> November..." According to Mary Shelley's preface of 1831, these
>> were the first words she wrote of her story - but she could be
>> mythologizing, and the first to jump on the bandwagon!
>
> I dunno, I don't think her version of the line is bad at all. In any
> case if she got there first it wasn't a cliche then was it?
It depends whether:
a) Bulwer-Lytton was copying her (consciously or unconsiously)
b) She read Bulwer-Lytton's opening words, and that gave her the idea of
claiming that "It was a dreary night of November..." had been the first
words she wrote of the story.
She was clearly mythologising in this later preface: she claimed that the
beginning of the story had come to her in a dream, but what she was actually
doing there was concealing its origins in the radical scientific literature
of the day.
--
John Briggs
K M Wilcox
> BTR1701 wrote:
> > Reportedly actual examples taken from high school essays:
> They sound more like Bulwer-Lytton entries to me.
No, Bulwer-Lytton entries must be a single sentence. The
first sentence of 'Paul Clifford' isn't actually "It was a
dark and stormy night." If you replace the period with a
semicolon, you'd have the first part of the first sentence,
which is...
"It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents,
except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a
violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is
in London that our scene lies), rattling along the house-
tops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps
that struggled against the darkness."
These seem more like random bits of prose that have in all
likelihood been passed around, amended, and reattributed
until almost untraceable. Some are probably real, others
apocryphal. They certainly aren't from essays; they all
read like they're from fiction.
And, to bring this on-topic, how about a challenge? Write
a Buffy drabble with exactly one sentence.
Roy. Just Roy.
spelling)
'Paul Clifford' (1830): "It was a dark and stormy night..." is that it
seems
to echo the opening lines of chapter 4 of Mary Shelley's 'Frankenstein'
(1818): "It was a dreary night of November
"It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking
thirteen." -Orwell
"There was me, that is Alex, and my three droogs, that is Pete,
Georgie, and Dim, Dim being really Dim, and we sat in the Korova
Milkbar making up our rassoodocks what to do with the evening, a flip
dark chill winter bastard though dry." - Burgess
Aaron Davies
Or, for you Python fans:
"A Saturday afternoon in November was approaching the time of twilight,
and the vast tract of unenclosed wild known as Egdon Heath embrowned
itself moment by moment." - Thomas Hardy