90210 WEEKLY WRAPUP: 4/10/96
Daniel Drennan
(http://www.inquisitor.com/).
WARNING: People with problems reading words over 3 letters and sentences
over 3 words should NOT read this wrapup. Thank you.
The 90210 Weekly Wrapup for 4/10/96 by Daniel Drennan
Second revision, uploaded 4/13 4:00 pm ET.
So this show opens up at the Clare/Donna/Kelly Compound and Kelly "That
Girl" Taylor is in the living room folding up sheets wearing a rather
blase tannish jacket/pants ensemble and the pants are really loose like
bordering on beige sweatpants and I didn't realize that Kelly's extensive
therapy would also make her wardrobe all muted and edgeless as well and
Donna "Bleating Wonder" Martin is standing there in an orange sleeveless
shirt and rather garishly printed orange Capri pants like if you took all
of your Barbie doll's clothes to a tailor and said "copy these" you would
basically have Donna's wardrobe and she is like, "want some coffee Kel?"
and she goes to pour it then realizes she needs to wait for Kelly's line
and Kelly is like, "yeah thanks" and Donna starts pouring meanwhile
sitting there all
skunky-wannabe-Audrey-Hepburn-a-la-"Breakfast-at-Tiffany's" is Clare
Chancellorsdottir who is like, "are you doing Tara's laundry now too?"
and Kelly is like, "stop it--Tara has been a very good house guest and
you know it" and Clare is making this over-extended "whatever" face since
she wants that schnorrer Tara totally out of the house and it is almost
painful looking at Clare's makeup which I can only describe as overly
severe and pointy and Donna is like, "that's not it" and Kelly is like,
"what is it?" and Clare is like, "this is a three-bedroom apartment,
Kel--it's fine to have a guest for a couple of nights but this has been
three weeks without an end in sight" and Kelly is like, "she's getting
her own place; she's on a waiting list" and Donna is like, "that's what
you said last week" and Clare is like, "don't take this personally but
I'm going to move in with Steve until she's gone" and meanwhile someone
has decided to arbitrarily stick bobby pins and barrettes in Donna's
hair; like someone has twisted up her hair into not quite ringlets and
then randomly stuck bobby pins and barrettes in there to hold it all in
place and if I needed to explain chaos theory via someone's hairdo I
would definitely choose Donna Martin's; and Kelly is like, "why" and
Clare is like, "can I be honest with you and you promise you won't get
mad at me?" and Kelly is like, "yeah" and Clare is like, "Tara gives me
the creeps" and meanwhile Clare is wearing one of David's dog chain
collars and a green sweater cut in a huge V-neck so that her black bra
straps are showing and Clare is like, "I don't know why there is just
something about her--I totally respect what you're doing for her Kel I do
I just feel put out you know like displaced from my own apartment, you
know?" and Kelly is like, "and you agree with her?" and Donna is like, "I
just think it would be better for everyone if she found her own place,
soon" and Kelly is like, "I don't understand this it isn't like I didn't
discuss this with you I mean you agreed to this and now you're changing
your mind--I don't think that's very fair to Tara" and speaking of the
devil (incarnate) in walks Tara "Terruh" Streetchild wearing blue jeans
and black Converse sneakers and carrying a big old leather bag and Tara
is like, "the beach was awesome this morning the waves were huge" and
Clare is like, "well, we'd better get to school" and Donna is like, "have
a good day" like there again is that weird "have a good day" thing which
I would never ever say to a close friend of mine and Tara is like, "wait
hold up guys check this out I found some great croissants at this cafe on
the strand" and Clare and Donna are standing there in the full horror of
their navel-revealing tops and Donna's Barbie orange plaid and Clare's
drawstring-ed pleather pants and Clare is like, "we're late for school we
gotta go" and Donna is like, "yeah see you later Kel" and Kelly is like,
"bye" and they split leaving Tara holding the bag as it were and Tara
just stands there and then walks over to the counter like one of those
horrible troll-like Olsen twins waiting for a cue and can I just say that
I just got back from San Francisco where I was visiting some friends for
a couple of days and first let me just say how much I hate flying but
this flight back was particularly horrifying first because the guy in
front of me had this weird compulsive habit of constantly touching his
hair; like first he would run his fingers through his hair (we're talking
both hands) and then he would feel along with the right hand to see if
his part was straight meanwhile the left hand was patting the top of his
hair in place and after he felt all the way back he would MESS IT ALL UP
AGAIN by running his hands through his hair again meanwhile he is reading
a magazine on his lap so basically absentmindedly and totally
compulsively he was running his fingers through his hair then feeling for
the part then patting it in place but like OVER AND OVER again
run-feel-pat, run-feel-pat to the point where I was ready to grab his
wrists and break his hands off; second because the guy in the center
seats had all three seats to himself and so he spent the greater part of
the flight trying to lie down comfortably which a normal person after
about five minutes would have realized was impossible but he kept on
trying and not only that but he took his sneakers off and had his feet
dangling in the aisle like how disgusting is that anyway like leave your
shoes on please if you are not at home and then he spent the entire
flight going through this box of cards which had questions on one side
and answers on the other and I can only think that there is some Trivial
Pursuit championship that he is going for because he just kept picking up
cards and then right away reading the back even during the part where we
had to circle New York for a half hour because it was snowing and we hit
the runway so hard the woman next to me who had been silent the whole
trip screams out "JESUS CHRIST!" and there he is still cramming for his
Trivial Pursuit exam; and third because the yuppie parents behind me kept
bugging their kid Andre whether he wanted a lollipop or a nap or to go to
the bathroom or a glass of water or a lollipop are you sure it will help
your ears or don't start reading until we take off or half a million
other annoying totally indulgent things which made me glad that my
parents weren't like that I mean the flight ended up with a discussion of
the differences between harmonic and natural scales with Andre and his
father going over the differences in musical scales like I should have
been so lucky to have Music Theory 101 when I was five years old and as
if that wasn't bad enough the in-flight movie was some spectacularly
horrifying film with that totally talentless Steve Guttenberg and that
actress who looks like Charlotte Rampling only with 1/8th the talent and
those horrid troll-doll-like OLSEN TWINS like EVERY TIME I WOULD LOOK UP
I had to see those Olsen twins generally looking like trolls and missing
cues just like Tara who looks at Kelly and Kelly is like, "I'll try one;
mmm they're still warm" like nice overlooking of the behavior of your
dysfunctional friends and Tara is like, "they don't like me too much do
they?" and Kelly is like, "Tara you can't please every one" and Tara is
like, "still I'm freeloading in their apartment" and Kelly is like, "I
said you could stay as long as you need to--now I don't want to hear
another word about it" and Tara looks into the bag of croissants and we
get a slow moving in close-up of Kelly who is giving Tara this total
"denial of reality" look.
Then we go to a scene and there is Toni Marchette watching Sesame Street
talking about hair color so maybe she's not dead after all. Meanwhile
Donna, wearing a shiny pink shirt and poofy hair is going on about the
pathetic "be an intern" sweepstakes and I guess we are supposed to
believe that Donna actually calls someone up on her pink Princess phone
and I don't know that I can think of anything more cringe-inducing than
the idea of Tori Spelling calling me up on the phone to tell me that I
just won the chance to take care of her father The Mister's dry cleaning
needs.
Over at the so-called campus, Susan "Keats" Keats is walking Brandon
"Orson Welles-ian" Walsh and Steve "Overt Penis Boy" Sanders to class and
Susan is all asking about Steve and Clare playing house and Steve is all
explaining that they're not playing house that Clare is staying over to
cram for exams and Brandon is all checking out some girl walking by and
then is all making this face to Susan about it like maybe you should wear
a belt to keep your Pillsbury belly in your pants not to mention your
randy boner and Brandon is all going on in his car salesman's voice about
how Steve will have to be on his "best behavior" since Clare will be
seeing his faults up close and Steve is all explaining how he learned to
put the toilet seat down in Remedial Neanderthal Training 101 and Susan
is all, "that's where you have Brandon beat" and Brandon is all, "don't
you have somewhere to go" and Susan is all veering off into her class and
Brandon is all ignoring the fact that his girlfriend is no longer beside
him and Steve is all making this "wuzzah" face. Next thing you know Steve
is all grilling Brandon about whether he told her that their "summer
plans" are canceled and Brandon is all explaining that there is "nothing
to tell her" and here we go again with these two doing major doses of
crank before a scene shoot like the overbaked acting is majorly grating
and Steve is all explaining about the internship offered to Brandon and
how he'll "never ever ever never turn that down" and Brandon is all,
"it's not that cut and dry" and Steve is all, "okay Mr. Sensitive, Mr.
Touchy-Feely--just remember Bran, men are men, business is business, and
women are--whatever" in what has to be the most pathetically spastic
nonsense to ever have come out of the mouth of the
not-known-for-his-great-banter Steve Sanders. Meanwhile David
"Perm-a-Frown" Silver is sitting backwards on a chair with his backpack
on and his big old styling home slice clothes that he hopes to grow into
one day and also at the table is Joe "Drummer Boy" Bradley just studying
away in his studied-naive way and David is all asking Donna what she
thinks of the music she's listening to and Donna is all, "sounds good"
and David is all, "sounds good? they're great--and they want me to direct
their video" and I would guess that they've seen David's stunning
portfolio including the Spring Break party at Casa Walsh and the
amazingly annoying role-playing game in the "Unreal World" episode and
Donna is all giving the headphones to Joe for him to take a listen and
David is all, "I'm telling you Donna, all they need is a dope video and
they are as good as signed" and I would like at this point to question
David's use of the word "dope" like maybe David should stop watching
"Martin" and realize that a) no one says "dope" anymore and b) on a
continuum of skin color David is basically completely antipodal to anyone
who might actually still say "dope" and David is all, "they are putting
up their own money--I am so psyched" and let me just say at this point
that the word "psyched" which I only ever heard on college campuses is
perhaps the most annoying adjective in the universe if there can be such
a thing and Donna is all, "well they picked the right person for the job
especially if you are this excited about it" like SHUT UP Donna and David
is all worried because finals are the next week and the band is going on
tour and meanwhile he is all giving Joe all of these sideways glances and
he is all hunched over talking a mile a minute like he bought some crack
from Brandon and Steve and Donna is all reminding him that he is "the
best" under pressure and David is all doubting himself and Joe is all
making these faces listening to the tape and David is all asking Donna to
help him since he doesn't think he can do it by himself and Joe is all,
"well, it's not exactly my thing but I think they have a lot of energy"
and how sad that Joe can't just say "I think they suck big time" and
David is all, "can you help me out" and Donna is all, "yeah" and then she
bleats and then David is all running off to shoot up more goofballs and
he shakes Joe's hand and leaves and Joe is all wondering what that was
all about and Donna is all telling him that she is going to help David do
a music video and Joe is all, "their music gave me a headache" and Donna
is all, "you don't think I should do it?" and Joe is all, "I'm going to
be studying for exams all weekend--do it, I think you'll have
fun--besides, if you can listen to that all weekend, more power to you"
and Donna is all, "you are so square sometimes" and Joe is all, "that's
why you love me" and Donna is all, "I guess so" and Joe leaves and Donna
bleats again and let me just say at this point that the idea of Donna and
David eventually getting back together again had me dry heaving for about
two hours.
Meanwhile at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center's Max Factor Family Tower's 4th
Floor Drug Rehabilitation & Detoxification Center that same damn lady is
sitting in the waiting room and we are talking months now that she has
been there patiently waiting and I think there must be some kind of
mental illness called "Compulsive Waiting Disorder" or something because
I can't think of any other reason she would still be there and in a group
session Tara is standing up in front of a room of recovering substance
abusers including Kelly and she is going on and on about her parents and
how she thought that "the more pathetic I got, the more they would want
me back" and that now they've moved without telling her where they are
which if you ask me was pretty intelligent on their part and how she
hopes she'll get them back one day and all I can say is I hope that they
are in some kind of federal psycho daughter relocation program for their
own good and Kelly is sitting not with everybody else but in her own
chair and Tara is going on and on about her "new beginning".
Over at the Peach Pit After Dark Colin "Tintin" Robbins is painting his
mural again, like maybe you should let it go Colin I mean some things
just can't be improved or maybe he is listening to the advice of his
blind father as to what kind of paint strokes to add and David walks in
all home boy slicey walking and David is asking if Val is there and Colin
is acting all cold shouldery and goes, "yeah--she was" and David goes,
"so what does that mean, is she coming back?" and Colin goes, "I don't
know, man" and David laughs and goes, "what's with the attitude, man?"
and Colin goes, "David, come on, brother--you don't like me, you know I
don't like you" and David goes, "don't worry, the feeling is
mutual--besides I have this standing rule about not hanging out with
ex-felons" and perhaps someone should remind David that Colin hasn't
served time yet so is not "ex" at all and let me just say that I guess
David's standing rule does not extend to drug addicts or alcoholics which
would account for HIS ENTIRE FAMILY AND EXTENDED FAMILY and the sexual
tension between these two is rather amazing if you think about it and
maybe David should wait for his voice to change before he starts trying
to act all Mr. Macho Posturing and Valerie Hyphen-Name walks in the club
and David asks if they can use the club and she goes, "as long as you are
out of here before we open" and David goes, "no problem" like everyone on
this show dumps on Val until they need something from her and David turns
around and goes, "see you later Colin" and Val is wondering what happened
and Colin is taking 20 minutes to deliver his lines and he goes, "he
still blames me for bringing Kelly down--one of these days, man" and Val
goes, "can't you just lighten up--it's bad enough with me stuck in the
middle--besides, don't you have enough problems already" and thank God we
have Val as the voice of reason for all of the pinheads on this show.
Back at Casa Walsh Susan and Brandon are in the kitchen and Brandon is
cutting cucumbers with a steak knife and Susan is going on and on about
taking the "grad school exams" which I think most people refer to as the
GREs and she is wearing a grey shirt/sweater combo ensemble and has her
hair still up in that slick-in-front bouffed-in-back "That Girl"-esque
kind of do and she is going on about being glad because she knows that
"she won't be in school forever" which I hate to tell her is not the case
with grad school and that she is glad that they have "the summer off to
travel" and then she is talking about some guy who collects a big ball of
string like wasn't Susan at one time supposed to be the strong-willed
intelligent woman character and here she is reduced to a spineless sperm
receptacle for Brandon whose main topic of conversation is now stale
Ripley's Believe It Or Not! stories and I hate to tell Susan that not
only is Cawker City, Kansas off of Route 24 and not Route 80 but that
Route 80 goes through Nebraska and nowhere near Kansas AT ALL like are
there no fact checkers at the so-called writer's office of this show and
Brandon is explaining that a recruiter from the <I>Boston Globe</I> is on
campus and wants to meet with him and they have a job waiting for him
after he graduates and Susan is asking whether he is "warning [her] that
their trip might be off" and Brandon is explaining that he "has to meet
with the guy" and Susan is acting all passive aggressive saying, "I'm
sure you'll do the right thing" meanwhile upstairs Clare and Steve are
rutting and if Clare's makeup and hair made her look any more like a
Halloween display she'd be carrying pumpkins around and Steve has cleared
out his drawers and his closet and is promising to wait on Clare "hand
and foot" which Clare says sounds "better than a poke in the eye with a
sharp stick" and Steve pops a boner just hearing that and throws her on
the bed and goes, "well how about a poke in the..." and I had to leave
the room so that I could keep my food down.
Over in the Peach Pit Kelly and Tara are in the bathroom and on schedule
Tara is doing her "Single White Female" imitation and is all wondering
whether her hair is "too mousy" and Kelly is all, "not at all" and Tara
is all, "tell me you don't see the difference--you've got it all--style,
flair" and I have to say that I agree if you call dressing in muted
beiges and tans and pastels like a housewife from a 1950s Sear's catalog
"stylish" and let me just say that I don't know of anyone who has ever
used the word "flair" in a complete sentence and Kelly is all, "well,
maybe it could use a little pizzazz" and there's another word I've never
heard actually used in a sentence by any living person and Tara is all,
"pizzazz is for girl's like you, not me" which pretty much sums up the
entire <I>Fernsehprogrammgeist</I> of 90210 which basically is that not
only can outsiders not be part of the whole Beverly Hills scene, those
who would try invariably will be shown to be psychopaths or major life
failures; and Kelly is all recommending her hairdresser who "does
pizzazz" and then she is all putting on lipstick for the fiftieth time
and Kelly is then all asking whether Dr. Browning said anything about
room in a rooming house for Tara and Tara is putting on her lipstick by
dabbing it on to her lips and she is all, "please don't make me go
Kel--you're like a sister to me I need you" and Kelly is all, "I have two
roommates to think about" and Tara is all, "how could you do this to me I
thought you were different" and Kelly is all, "you can stay at our place
until your place opens up" and Tara is all, "please you promised you
would never leave me I promise I can be the best friend you ever had just
don't make me leave" and Kelly is all, "we are friends--I just think it
would be best for everybody" then Tara is all staring at the ground and
Kelly is all staring at Tara REAL HARD.
Meanwhile at the Peach Pit Val is helping Colin load up his car and Colin
is wearing those spastic fly-eye sunglasses that were last seen in
"Godzilla vs. Monster Zero" and Colin is asking how Kelly is and Kelly is
like, "better every day" and Val is like, "yeah Colin too--it's amazing
how things work out for the best, huh?" and Kelly just stands there and
then Tara is like, "hi" and Colin is like, "hi" and Kelly introduces Tara
to Val and Colin and Val remembers her from Steve's party and Tara is
like, "nice to meet you guys" and Val is like, "see you around--right
Kel?" and Tara and Kelly walk away and Colin is like, "bye" and Kelly is
like, "see ya" and Tara is like, "wow that is a nice car" and Kelly is
going on about how much she hates Val even though she "know[s she]
shouldn't feel this way" and Tara is like, "because of Colin?" and Kelly
is like, "she has been after him ever since he painted that damn mural
for the club" and Tara is like, "c'mon Kelly you're just
paranoid--besides, Colin is no good for you" and Kelly is like, "I know,
I still hate her" and Tara is like, "well, anyone that you hate I hate
too--I hope she dies" and Kelly is like, "Tara, you don't even know them"
and Tara is like, "it doesn't matter--that's what friends are for" and
then we get the mondo psycho New Age music starting up which should be
Kelly's clue that Tara's elevators don't go to the top floor.
Over in David's skanky dorm room David and Donna are fighting over who
can come up with no good ideas better than the other and let me just ask
at this point why is anyone friends with David Silver I mean can there be
a more whiny, petulant, self-absorbed, pre-pubescent trendoid wannabe on
the planet and this is what Donna is asking herself as she gets up to
leave and David is like, "where are you going?" and Donna is like, "you
are being mean and rude and you are the last person on EARTH that I would
like to hang out with" and Donna has picked up this annoying habit of
condensing her bleats into little punctuating head movements like at the
end of everything she says she gives this little sharp nod sans bleat to
punctuate what she is saying and maybe I should just come up with a
symbol to represent this particularly annoying tic of hers meanwhile
David has an epiphany and he goes running after Donna and he is like,
"THAT'S IT!" and Donna is like, "what are you talking about?" and David
is walking her back to his dorm room explaining his post-apocalyptic
vision for a music video explaining that they only need to tear up some
old clothes and Donna is like, "I can do that" and I can't say that I
remember seeing anyone on this show ever wearing old clothes and David's
three-horsemen vision can be reduced to the last person on Earth
controlling the source of fire which if I am not mistaken was the video
for "Dancing With Myself" by that sneering loser Billy Idol.
Over at Casa Walsh Joe and Clare and Steve and Susan and Brandon are all
sitting around comparing answers to multiple-choice questions and I have
to say I've never understood this concept of studying for a "basic
skills" test like either you know stuff or you don't and furthermore why
is Steve studying for a GRE in the first place like why would any of
these people go on to grad school at all I mean I think some of the
requirements of grad school are discipline and intelligence which all of
these people lack in spades and Brandon wants to take a break and Susan
is all asking Clare where she got her shawl which of course is a Chinese
print and Clare is all explaining that it is her "lucky study shawl"
whatever that means and that it is "one of the only things" she has from
her mother and Susan is all, "well, it's beautiful" so we know that some
plot point is going to focus on Clare's stupid shawl and Susan is all,
"well, I am going to get some tea" and then we get this weird shot of Joe
just standing up and walking out of the room without saying anything and
then we learn that Steve is not actually studying with them and is only
hanging out with them which Clare points out will make him learn "through
osmosis" and Steve is all, "I'm bored--I've already used up a week's
worth of osmosis" and Clare is all, "very good--vocabulary usage in
context" and I hate to tell Clare that misconstrued meta-sentences don't
count and Clare is all, "you should have taken the graduate school exams"
and Steve is all, "yaaaa this is what I want to study for" and how
pathetic is it that education is wasted on people like Steve Sanders in
the first place.
At the Clare/Donna/Kelly Compound that weird New Age music is playing and
Tara is in Kelly's room and Kelly is sleeping and Tara is going into
Kelly's white patent pleather handbag and she takes her car keys and
there are basically five samples in this New Age song playing; there are
two alternating synth notes going which is basically the entire
repertoire of that horror show Nick Rhodes from Duran Duran and then
there is the rattlesnake sample and the wind chime sample and the owl
sample and Tara walks out of the room backwards.
Meanwhile at David's dorm room David and Donna are finalizing plans for
the video and Donna leaves to go home doing that
arms-swinging-too-far-for-the-pace-of-my-walking walk and blowing David a
kiss as she leaves and we get this lingering shot of David smiling to
himself.
Meanwhile over at the so-called artist's loft of so-called artist Colin
Tara drives up in Kelly's car and is like, "you have a really nice car
Val; a really nice car" as she keys "DIE VAL" into Valerie's car and the
New Age music brings in some swoopy strings-ish flourishes.
Meanwhile at Casa Walsh Brandon and Susan and Clare are still studying
and Susan is all nervous and Brandon is going on about how this is just a
warm-up, that they still have next year and Susan is worried about
missing that "last train out" which would mean "kissing their academic
future" goodbye and Steve walks in wearing the latest in West Hollywood
tight T-shirt fashion with a black-edged collar and sleeves and Steve
makes a lame joke about their lives being on the line and Clare is
calling Steve an "under-achiever" and Clare is running out of there in
her matching bell-bottomed grey plaid pants and short jacket outfit which
I think was last seen worn by a pimp on "Good Times" and Steve is asking
Clare if she needs any laundry done and she is telling him where it is
and Clare is like, "he's such a good househusband" and Brandon is like,
"good wifey" like Brandon is so much more macho than that and then Susan
and Brandon start fighting about the whole stupid intern vs. summer trip
thing and Susan is like, "it isn't an ultimatum" and Brandon is like,
"good" like I don't think Susan could be more passive-aggressive about
this at this point.
Meanwhile at the Peach Pit After Dark we have the requisite bunch of
extras who should get back to their day jobs doing the whole stupid
moshing thing like can someone explain the whole moshing phenomenon to me
I mean if you are attracted to another guy just DO IT with him or
something don't use some invented dance convention to work out your
same-sex fantasy aggressions and David is finally using one of those
camcorders with the full-view back since he doesn't seem able to squint
into a viewfinder and the band is doing its industrial noiz kind of thing
and David is bopping his head up and down totally ruining the video he's
shooting and Donna is standing in the background wearing a
navel-revealing overly tight yellow T-shirt and David wants to know where
the drummer's girlfriend is since she is to be the "last woman on Earth"
and the band is like, "she's taking care of the dog" and David is like,
"why didn't you tell me" and the drummer is like, "why didn't you ask"
and can anyone really see these guys hanging out with David instead of
beating him into a bloody wannabe pulp and David tells Donna to put on
the costume instead and Donna gives us three of her little bleat-less
head punctuation movements in a row.
Meanwhile it is pouring rain all of a sudden and Val and Colin are
walking up to Val's car and someone has done a Donna-do to Val's head and
Val is like, "Colin, somebody keyed my car!" and Colin, once again
showing his amazing emotional range as an actor is like all monotone,
"what? Don't worry it's probably just vandalism some stupid kids or
something" and Val is like, "this is not just vandalism; they know my
name--I'm calling the police; I'm scared" and Colin just looks at the
ground since he is a spineless wonder with no will of his own and Val
looks at his blank face REAL HARD.
So then we get Tori again supposedly talking to the winner of the intern
contest and we are supposed to believe that she is actually the one who
called the poor intern who is going to spend time fetching everyone's
coffee and bringing The Mister's clothes to the dry cleaner's and it was
kind of like the time when I was 13 years old and I got a call from WABC
radio back when it was a music station and not a horrifying right-wing
talk show radio station and they asked me what radio station I listened
to and I was like, "WABC" and they told me I won a Kona fiberglass
skateboard and I was freaking out on the phone and when I calmed down
they told me that they were going to retape the whole conversation for
the radio and I ended up sounding like I was on major tranquilizers or
something but at least I won a real prize which made me the talk of the
neighborhood and not a stint of slave labor working as an intern for
90210 which would make me the laughing stock of the entire 90210-watching
universe.
The next scene sees Tara leading Kelly who is wearing a pink sweater over
a frumpy Laura-Ashley-esque flower print dress and those lace-up white
sandals of hers into a second-hand clothing store where Tara supposedly
left all of her stuff and out of the back of the store comes Bernie the
owner of the store who is all hugging Tara and Kelly is acting all
uncomfortable and Tara is all explaining how Bernie used to let her live
in back until he caught her doing drugs and Kelly is all, "I can't
imagine living in a place like this" like RELAX already Kelly I mean try
going to the slums of Calcutta before you start reacting all haughty like
that and Bernie is asking whether Tara still has the camera he gave her
and Bernie is all, "she's a heck of a photographer" and then they leave
to go see how David and Donna are doing "with that video of theirs".
Back at Casa Walsh Steve is sorting the laundry in the kitchen in front
of the roomless Walsh computer and the horrific giant rotated fork and
pasta poster and he pops a boner when he gets to Clare's red bra and then
shrivels up when he sees that he washed Clare's mother's scarf which is
now Clare's mother's handkerchief and Steve is like, "Clare's going to
kill me!" and he stares at the handkerchief REAL HARD.
So then we go to the Peach Pit After Dark and Tara and Kelly are walking
in and the so-called fans of the band are hanging out before they go back
to their day jobs and standing on the stage is Donna looking like that
one-eyed former VJ lady from MTV Nina Something-Or-Other with her hair
all Dippety-Doed in curls and huge red lips and a fishnet top over not
one but two bras one red and one yellow and fishnet stockings and
torn-off GI Joe-esque hot pants and an army utility belt and huge
stiletto-heeled black shoes and she's just standing there with her legs
spread apart not moving or anything and David is giving her stage
directions and she is all acting naive, "okay, I'll give it a try" and
maybe this was shot during the filming of that horrific made-for-TV movie
starring Tori as a co-ed stripper and she just didn't feel like changing
or something and David is all, "you look great" and then Kelly is all
asking Tara if she wants to stay and watch and Tara is all, "Donna looks
terrific" and maybe there's some clause which says that they all have to
say in the script that "Donna looks terrific" even when she looks like a
Dali-esque Drew Barrymore meets "Escape from New York" and Kelly goes to
get some sodas and Tara starts taking pictures of Donna and David starts
giving lighting direction to the lighting guy who surprisingly doesn't
kick him in his tiny balls and David turns around to see Colin standing
on the platform above him and Colin has his arms stretched out on the
railing and David is all, "what?" and Colin is all, "nothing" and David
is all, "you got a problem?" and Colin is all, "I don't got a problem,
you got a problem" and David is all, "really" and Colin is all nodding
yes and David is all, "just stay out of my way, alright?" and Colin is
like, "just stay out of your way--you gonna make me?" and David is all,
"maybe I will" and the sexual tension between these two is reaching a
feverish pitch meanwhile Kelly is in the Peach Pit ordering sodas from
Nat who says that Donna looks "like a movie star" which I guess is
correct if you consider the zombies in "Night of the Living Dead" to be
"movie stars" and there's Willy in the background and in comes Val who is
all, "Kel, I need to talk to you" and Kelly is all, "what" and Val is
all, "someone vandalized my car last night" and Kelly is all, "I'm sorry
to hear that--what does that have to do with me?" and Val is all,
"someone scratched the words 'Die Val' on the side of my car and I can't
think of anybody else who wants me dead besides you" and Kelly is all,
"well maybe you didn't think hard enough" and Val is all, "I called the
police and I told them that you are #1 on my list of people who might
have a grudge against me" and Kelly is all, "you're crazy--and paranoid"
and Val is all, "yeah right, like you haven't had it in for me since I
took Colin away from you" and Kelly is all, "you did not take Colin away
from me I dumped him and you were the only thing low enough for him to
crawl to" and Val is all, "you're a bitch, you know that? You want to
take it outside?" and Kelly is all, "glad to" but before we can get the
Glamorous Ladies of Wrestling match between Kelly and Val some extra
comes running into the Peach Pit and he is all, "there's a fight next
door!" and back at the After Dark there are people holding David and
Colin away from each other and I have to say if they want each other that
badly no one should get in the way of their mutual affection even if they
have a strange way of showing it and Val is all telling them to take it
outside and Colin is all knocking over boxes and Val is all, "as far as
I'm concerned, this shoot is over" and a winded Nat is all agreeing with
her and David is all pissed and Donna is standing there half naked all
upset and Kelly is standing there Laura Ashley all upset and David is
standing there totally overacting all upset and Tara is all, "they are
bad--no wonder you guys hate them so much" and then Kelly looks at David
and Donna looks at the floor and Tara looks at Kelly and Kelly looks off
into space.
Okay. This next scene is so beyond preposterous that I can't even begin
to describe it without having an apoplexy. Suffice to say that East coast
newspapers don't recruit nudnik half-witted juniors like Brandon Walsh
out in California. Ever. Period. Furthermore, interns in media and
publishing companies don't start with a salary or a benefits package.
Trust me on this one.
So back at the Clare/Donna/Kelly Compound Tara is going to make Kelly
some herbal tea because she needs to "relax" and Kelly can't believe the
"nerve of them" to blame her for keying Val's car and Tara thinks that
"Val probably keyed her own car to blame [Kelly]" and Tara is like, "she
is the witch--when you are out on the streets you learn to spot the
meanness in people in order to survive" and Kelly takes her up on her
offer of tea and Tara thanks Kelly for the appointment with her
hairdresser and Kelly tells Tara not to be late and asks Tara why she
never told her she was a photographer and Tara explains about how she
spent "all her money" on film taking pictures of "every person and every
place" she's seen and Kelly wants to see her work and Tara wants to find
a darkroom since she couldn't afford processing and Kelly thinks that
Brandon would let her use the darkroom at the Condor.if she "asks him
nicely" and Tara is like, "you still like him don't you--I think he likes
you too; one of my instincts" and Kelly is like, "oh really" and then
Kelly is off to take a shower and she is like, "don't be late for
Umberto" and Tara goes to get her suitcase and inside underneath a teddy
bear, some rolls of film, and some jeans is a huge gun fully loaded and
we get this lingering psycho-Tara cam shot meanwhile the scary New Age
music is now piano synth mixed with whale samples.
So then in what is perhaps the most disturbing segment of video in the
entire history of this show Donna is dancing in a black rubber backless
top with black pleather hot pants and fishnet stockings; I mean this was
almost as disturbing as Demi Moore teaching Barbara Walters how to strip
on the pre-Oscars interview special and all of a sudden Joe walks in as
Donna is freshening up her makeup and can someone please explain to me
what is going on with Donna's cleavage like is there anyway in the world
someone's boobs could look like this without technical assistance and Joe
goes, "that's an interesting outfit" and Donna goes, "this shouldn't take
long why don't you stay and watch" meanwhile she's wearing more lipstick
than Bozo the Clown and she's got studded collars around her neck and arm
and can anyone say "cliche tired costume idea" and Donna gets back on the
stage and starts trying to dance again but she isn't really very good at
it and Joe is either popping a boner or it took him 20 minutes to realize
what was going on because he all of a sudden walks out and Donna just
shakes her Dippety-Doed head and keeps on trying REAL HARD to dance to
the music.
Over at the offices of The Condor Brandon is breaking the news to Susan
about his intern/job offer and she is taking it pretty badly and
meanwhile is wearing a navel-revealing long-sleeve blue sweater-looking
thing buttoned at the top and Susan is like, "you deserve it Brandon" as
passively-aggressively as she can and Brandon comes shuffling in in his
jacket and white shirt and pants and big old clown combat boots and is
like, "I'm not finished" and he pulls out the "tiniest ball of string" in
the world and is like, "now that we've seen the tiniest ball of string,
don't you think we owe it to ourselves to see the biggest?" like who the
hell is going to go to Kansas for a summer trip much less to see some
farmer's 50-ton string sculpture and Susan is like blah blah blah and
Brandon is like blah blah blah and they start doing it and Susan does her
praying mantis sucking Brandon's head off kissing imitation.
Back at Casa Walsh a zebra walks in the front door and goes, "honey I'm
home" NO WAIT it is only Clare and her excruciating head of stripes and
Steve comes in wearing his "big boy" turtleneck sweater and he's bought
roses for Clare and he is explaining how me messed up her shawl in the
wash and Clare is trying really hard to cry and he brings it in and Clare
goes, "how could you do this? You knew what this meant to me" and Steve
goes to get all the new shawls that he just bought for her which are
"kind of the same" and Clare goes, "they're not my mom's" and Steve goes
all creaky voice, "Clare please I didn't notice it on the chair with the
other stuff--I can't undo what's done, I wish I could--you're not going
to forgive me, I guess I deserve it" and Clare goes, "as much as this
meant to me, I forgive you" and Steve goes, "you do" and they hug and
Clare goes, "you're a good guy--I know my mom would approve" and Steve
tries to cry REAL HARD and I guess my anti-schmaltz medication wasn't
working because I passed out for two days straight.
Back at the Clare/Donna/Kelly Compound Donna comes walking into the
living room all bow-legged in an oversized white robe with colored hearts
sewn all over it and she is like, "I am totally exhausted--but I had fun"
and Kelly is like, "you looked like it" and Donna is like, "can you
believe that about Val and Colin?" and Kelly is like, "Donna please I
promised myself I wasn't going to talk about it any more today" and Donna
is like, "I can understand that...you know I have to admit that sometimes
I really like Val...it's like one minute she's nice and the next she just
goes off the deep end" which is a pretty weird thing to say since Val is
probably the most stable character on this show and Kelly is like, "how
can she think that I would get up in the middle of the night go over to
Colin's and vandalize her car" and Donna is like, "I know well I just
hope the police catch whoever did it--then maybe you two can make up" and
Kelly is like, "I don't think Val and I will ever see eye to eye on
anything" and then all of a sudden we hear the door open and Donna's face
falls and in walks Tara sporting the no-surpise we-saw-it-a-mile-away
"Single White Female"-esque Kelly Taylor hair style and Tara is like, "is
this pizzazz or what? So how do you like the new me?" and Kelly is like,
"how could you do this?" and Tara is like, "what" and Kelly is like, "you
know exactly what you did Tara" and Tara is like, "you sent me to him I
just told him to make me look as good as you" and Kelly is like, "I don't
even want to talk about this" and Tara is like, "what did I do? Donna,
what did I do?" and Donna is like, "maybe we just need time to get used
to the new...you" and thank you Donna for always being 100% honest with
your feelings and maybe we need some time to get used to the painful New
Age Tara music as well and Tara storms off and Kelly falls back agape on
the couch and Donna is like, "we told you she was weird--she wants to be
you Kel" and then we get a zoom-in close-up of Kelly just sitting there
making this pouty-mouth incredulous face and I am hoping that the psycho
New Age music will show up as a 90210 promotional CD because I could
listen to that ALL DAY LONG.
--
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