BEAVIS GETS LAID (long) -- Parts 1 & 2 of 3

[D.G. Porter]

"BEAVIS GETS LAID" - Part 1 of 3
D.G. Porter, 1995
[based in part on real-life incidents]

[Opening scene. Beavis and Butt-head are standing in the open field
with the water tower in the distance late in the afternoon.]

Butt-head: Dammit, Beavis, I'm sick and tired of not getting any!

Beavis: Yeah! Me too. I wanna score!

Butt-head: We need to find something that'll get us laid for sure.

Beavis: Yeah! Yeah! [pause] Um, like what, Butt-head?

Butt-head: Uhhhh, I dunno! Wait a minute.... [a light bulb appears
over his head, fizzles a bit, and shatters] Uhhhh, hmm. Oh yeah!
Let's go ask Todd!

Beavis: Yeah! Todd's cool!

[They walk down the street looking for Todd.]

Beavis: Hey, Butt-head! Didn't Todd tell us not to talk to him?

Butt-head: Beavis, if you're gonna take that attitude, you're never
gonna score! Just trust me!

Beavis: Um, why should I do that, Butt-head?

Butt-head: Beavis, have I ever told you to do something that wasn't
cool?

Beavis: Um, you told me to snip my nads off once, and then I kicked you
in your nads! That was cool!

Butt-head: Yeah, and I'm gonna kick your nads outa your mouth if you
don't shut up!

[They find Todd working on his car. Todd is on a low rolling mechanic's
platform underneath the car, which is raised on blocks.]

Butt-head: Hey, Todd, how's it goin'?

Todd: What? [looks at them from under the car] I thought I told you
preschoolers not to talk to me! If I wasn't busy under this car I'd
kick your asses clear into next year! What the hell do you want now!?

Beavis: Todd's pretty cool, Butt-head.

Butt-head: Uh, we'd like something to help us get laid.

Beavis: Yeah, yeah! LAID!

Todd: [almost laughing at the idea] You WEBOLOS -- get laid!!?????

Butt-head: Uh, yeah! So, like, you must know what we need to get laid.

Todd: What makes you think I'll tell you?

Butt-head: Uh, 'cause you're cool.

Todd: Yeah, well, you girls got that one right. [pulling on wrench:]
Unnhh! Damn! ...What girls would ever wanna lay a pair of fuzz-nuts
like you?

Butt-head: Uhhhhh....

Beavis: Hey, Butt-head! Remember those two chicks we almost met at that
concert, and you pushed the portopotty over when I was in it, and these
turds came out and --

Butt-head: DAMMIT, BEAVIS, you're always talking about turds when I'm
trying to score! Uhhh, wait a minute. Those chicks WERE kinda cool.

Beavis: Yeah! They seemed in-terested, and stuff!

Todd: [trying to move a recalcitrant bolt] Dammit!! F**king God-damn
--

Beavis: [laughs maniacally at Todd's epithet]

Todd: [looks out from under the car, face splattered with oil] What the
hell are you laughing at, you little punk!??

Beavis: You said, you said, heh-heh-HEH-heh-heh....

[Todd wheels out from under the car just enough to kick Beavis in the
face and Beavis flies back about twenty feet.]

Beavis: AAAAAHHHHH!

[Todd turns to Butt-head.]

Todd: Are you still here?

Butt-head: Uh, yeah.

[Todd kicks him in the face too.]

Butt-head: [while flying back] UUUHHHHH!

[Todd starts working on his car again. Then he stops and comes out from
under it, thoughtfully. Beavis and Butt-head walk back over to him.]

Todd: Hmmm. This is your lucky day, girls, because there IS something
you can do for me.

Beavis & Butthead: YES!!!!!

[Cut to Beavis and Butt-head walking towards a field deep in the woods
late at night.]

Beavis: Um, are we lost yet, Butt-head?

Butt-head: Uh, no, I don't think so.... uh, wait a a minute...

[They come across a log fence with a big "KEEP OUT | TRESPASSERS WILL BE
SHOT" sign posted on it.]

Beavis: Um, are you sure this the right place, Butt-head?

Butt-head: Words, words...uh, Beavis, I have seen the way, and it is
good.

[Beavis helps Butt-head over the fence and crawls under it.]

Butt-head: Now, remember, Beavis, we're looking for a big patch of
those, uh, "sticky plants with the hand-shaped leaves."

Beavis: Um, okay. ...What for?

Butt-head: Beavis, you fart-knockering butt-hole! That's what's gonna
get us to score with those chicks if we ever find them again!

Beavis: Oh! Oh yeah! I knew that, Butt-head! Heh-heh, CHICKS! Um,
okay, Butt-head, what're we doing again?

Butt-head: We're looking for those plants, Dill-hole! [smacks him]

Beavis: AAAH! Heh-heh-heh!

[They walk around the area within the fence, through all kinds of
thistles and castor bean plants. Finally they come to a clearing,
within which lies a MASSIVE marijuana patch.]

Butt-head: See, Beavis? It's right here just like Todd said. Now pull
up some of the plants and let's get them back to Todd.

Beavis: Yeah! Then we'll get laid for sure! Mmmmmmm, these plants
smell pretty good, Butt-head. Ahhhhhhhhh..... [he nibbles a few]

Butt-head: Cut it out, Beavis! You're, like, eating up the merchandise!
This isn't Burger World!

Beavis: [eyes wide with strange microtonal synthesizer music sounding]
Heh-heh-MEHEEHEH-hemeh-hemeh-heh-heh-heh!

Butt-head: Shut up, ass-wipe, before someone hears you!

Beavis: Ohhhhh yeah....

[They are pulling up some of the plants on the outer edge of the patch.
Some are as tall as they are. Their actions are anything but subtle.
As they get further into the patch, Beavis keeps making odd
"pre-Cornholio" noises and Butt-head starts to get silly as well.
Suddenly, several gunshots ring out. This has the effect of immediately
bringing the boys back to cold reality.]

Beavis: AAAAHHHH!!!! Butt-head! Someone's shooting at me!

Butt-head: UUUUUUHHHHH!!!! Let's get outa here, Beavis. And if you
drop one of those plants I'll kick your ass!

[More shots ring out. One grazes Beavis's pompadour.]

Beavis: AAAAAHHHHH! I'm gonna die! [He drops his plants.]

Butt-head: Get going, butt-burglar! Pick up those plants!

Beavis: AAAAHHHHHHH!

[Butt-head smack Beavis with a free hand.]

Butt-head: Dammit, Beavis, if you keep me from scoring I'm gonna kick
your butthole so hard it's gonna come out your wiener!

[More shots. Beavis grabs the plants and they both run out of the patch
towards the fence. As a final flurry of shots ring out and bullets
graze past them, they tumble throught the fence, but without dropping
most of the plants.]

Butt-head: Beavis, stop whining about your hair and let's go see Todd!

[One of the last bullets grazes Butt-head's hair.]

Butt-head: UUUUHHHHH!!

[Heavy-metal guitar music is heard. Fade out as they run through the
field into the distance back into town.]

[Cut to Todd's driveway. Todd is sitting next to his car with a beer in
his hands, legs crossed, waiting for them with the remains of a 12-pack
at his foot.]

Todd: [more than a little drunk, but still with contempt; almost
laughing] H-h-hey! How'd it go girls? Are you dead yet?

Butt-head: Um, we got your plants from that guy, sir. And someone shot
Beavis.

Todd: No one saw who you were, did they? And no one saw you come back
here, did they? [Grabs the plants from them.]

Butt-head: Uh, I don't think so, sir.

Todd: Good! I wouldn't want to have to kick your asses again! [Throws
the plants into his garage and locks the door.]

Beavis: Hey Butt-head! Todd took all of the plants!!!

Butt-head: Uh, like, Todd! So how do we get laid if you keep all the
plants?

Todd: You can't use it when it's green, you turds! You have to dry it
and age it for three or four or five weeks! Might even take months.

Butt-head: That sucks!

Beavis: Yeah! Yeah! It really does suck! I got shot and now I won't
get laid!

Todd: Dammit, shut your mouths!

Butt-head: Yeah, Beavis! At least try to be cool!

Todd: Hang on, girls, I got a little something for your troubles...

[He pulls a baggie out of his pocket with maybe a quarter-ounce at best
of cured bud in it, far out of proportion to the pounds of weed they've
brought him. He throws it at Beavis and it bounces off his head.
Butt-head snatches it up.]

Todd: Now if you little brownies tell ANYONE where you got this I'll
stomp a mud-hole in your butts! I mean it!

Butt-head: Thank you, sir. [stares at the baggie] So, like, how does
this get us laid?

[Todd looks at them, for the first time truly dumbfounded and at a loss
for words. Finally he speaks.]

Todd: God, you ARE stupid! Chicks will lay you if you share that stuff
with them.

Beavis: Hey, Butt-head. Do you think Gina would lay me if I gave her
some of this?

Todd: HEY, TURDS!!! You be CAREFUL who you show that to!

Butt-head: Uh, no, I think Gina's probably one of those "narc" chicks.

Todd: Damn straight! And she's spoken for. And if I ever see you
looking at her, you're both dead! Now get out of here! NOW!!!

Butt-head: Uh, okay.

[As they leave, Todd stumbles inside his garage, yelling "Whooooo!"]

Beavis: Hey, Butt-head. What's a "narc chick"?

Butt-head: It means she won't lay us, dill-hole! We need to find those
other chicks!

Beavis: Heh-heh, we're finally gonna score! I mean, like, it's really
gonna happen!

Butt-head: Shut up, butt-dumpling! Just try to pretend to be as cool as
me with this stuff!

[End of Part 1.]

"BEAVIS GETS LAID" -- Part 2 of 3
D.G. Porter, 1995 (revised 1997)
[based in parts on real-life incidents]

[The scene opens at Burger World. Beavis and Butt-head are "minding the
store."]

Beavis: Hey, Butt-head! How come we haven't scored yet?

Butt-head: Uh, I dunno!

Beavis: I mean, it's been like two whole weeks since we got that stuff
from Todd, and we still haven't scored! And it's starting to PISS ME
OFF!

Butt-head: Beavis, shut the hell up.

Beavis: And like, I've been carrying this baggie around for a week now,
waiting for those chicks to find us! [He pulls the crumpled baggie out
of his back pocket.]

Butt-head: UUUHH! Dammit, Beavis, put that away before that Manager
dude sees it!

Beavis: But like, I keep waiting and waiting, and NOTHING EVER HAPPENS!
It's like, I'm gonna be a wussy for the rest of my life!

Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis! You already are a wussy!

Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! And I CAN'T settle down! And I don't wanna
settle down! It's like, even when we do things for Todd, and I get
shot, we still haven't scored! And then, then -- ...whoa!

[Just as Beavis is freaking out, the two girls from the episode "Take a
Number" walk into Burger World. They are obviously wrapped up in
themselves and their world. At first they don't recognize the boys, but
then a vague look of recollection comes over the faces as they begin
ordering their food. Of course, Beavis and Butt-head recognize hem
immediately, as they have been the only girls in their small world who
have ever paid them more than half a mind.]

1st Girl: Hi, I'll have a burger with cheese, and some fries, and...
hey, don't I know you from somewhere?

Beavis: Hey, howzit goin'? Heh-heh!

Butt-head: Beavis, let a real man handle this, uh-huh-huh! Hey, baby!
How's it goin'?

1st Girl: Hey, I remember you now! Huh-huh-huh! "Howzit hangin',
dudeness?"

2nd Girl: You said "hangin'" again!

[All four begin chuckling mindlessly but pruriently.]

[Cut to outside in the parking lot. Burger World's manager is talking
to a man from the carpet company. He has the trunk of the Burger World
company car open.]

Manager: Okay, well, I'm not sure which one will match the rest of the
decor, so you'd better let me borrow you samples.

Salesman: Well, I don't norm'lly do this, but, okay! You can borrow
them fer tonight. But just be sure I git them back in GOOD CONDITION
t'morrow. Or you'll have t' answer t' my boss.

[The Salesman gives the Manager several handfulls of carpet samples,
which the Manager puts into the trunk of his car.]

[Cut back to inside Burger World. All four, Beavis and Butt-head and
the two girls, are eyeing each other and chuckling mindlessly.]

Butt-head: So, like, we just got some, uh, "grass."

2nd Girl: So whatcha do, "mow the lawn"? Huh-huh-huh-huh!

Beavis: Heh-heh! Um, you're pretty funny!

1st Girl: You're cute!

2nd Girl: So, you guys got a pipe?

Butt-head, Uhhh, "pipe"?

Beavis: I got stuck in a pipe once! Does that count?

1st Girl: How 'bout some papers? Got any papers?

Beavis: Um, like, you mean our birth certificates and stuff?

2nd Girl: God, you're dumb. <giggle> No, I mean rolling papers. How
did you plan to smoke the stuff?

Beavis: Ohhhh, SMOKE it. Oh yeah, that makes sense.

Butt-head: Beavis, you butt-monkey, you forgot our papers!

Beavis: Shut up, bung-hole! YOU forgot the papers!

1st Girl: Never mind. I got some at my house. Or my folks do.

Beavis: Whoa! [quietly] Todd's pretty smart, Butt-head!

Butt-head: [quietly] Shut up, Beavis!

2nd Girl: You boys got a car?

Butt-head: Uhhhhh....

2nd Girl: Well, we gotta get back to the mall. Meet us there in about a
half an hour.

1st Girl: Yeah. You boys gonna buy us some food?

Butt-head: Uh, okay. Here's like, some food and stuff. [He gives them
some food that's been sitting around.]

2nd Girl: Thanks, guys! [The girls leave, giggling.]

Beavis: Hey, Butt-head! She said, "Get off"!

Butt-head: Of course she did! What do you think we're gonna be doing?
Uh-huh-huh, Beavis, prepare for the most important event of you life --
"Becoming a man"!

[Their manager enters.]

Manager: Boys, what is going on? This place is a mess and I just saw
two of the most unsavory-looking girls leaving here with at least five
bags of --

[The phone rings. The manager answers it.]

Manager: Hello, Burger World, how may I help you? Oh, hello. Yes, I
just met with him. Where? Oh, sure I can be there in a few minutes.
It's a short walk. [Hangs up phone] Boys, I have to go on an errand.
I want this place cleaned up by the time I get back. [He opens the cash
register, puts his car keys into the till and leaves.]

[The boys stand still for a few mintes.]

Beavis: Hey Butt-head. How're we gonna get to those chicks' house?

Butt-head: Uhhhhhh.... We, like, need a car or something.

[A light bulb appears above Butt-head's head. He looks towards the cash
register.]

Butt-head: Hey, Beavis! I got an idea! Let's use that car out back!

Beavis: Yeah! That's nutty! Drive! DRIVE!

[Cut to about a half-hour later (use a clock to show the passing of
time).]

Beavis: So when do we go to their place, Butt-head?

Butt-head: They're like, still at the mall. They said we're supposed to
meet 'em there and to bring my car.

Beavis: Cool! Um, I didn't know you had a car, Butt-head!

Butt-head: Sure I do, Beavis! It's parked out back!

Beavis: Ohhh yeah!

[They take the keys to the car out of the till, leaving Burger World
unattended, and get in the car. It takes a while for Butt-head to get
the engine started (he has to find the right buttons to push), but
eventualy he backs it into the wall of the building, forward into the
Burger World sign's pole, back again into another car, and then forward
as he drives out of the parking lot at about 5 mph. Their path is
anything but straight as they go down the street. Just as they are out
of sight, the Manager walks back to the Burger World parking lot. He
sees the car is missing, and then sees that the store is abandoned and
empty, and notlocke up.]

Manager: What!?? Where's the car!!??? And where the hell are those
two!!??? I'm gonna kill those little bastards for this!!!!

[Cut to Beavis and Butt-head, "driving" down the street.]

Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. Like, I know how to drive and stuff from that
class with Buzzcut.

Beavis: Hey, Butt-head? Um, are you gonna run us into another --
AAAHHHH!

[Butt-head narrowly misses a large truck crossing an intersection the
other way. He spins the car around and "sort of" makes a right turn,
following the truck.]

Butt-head: Uh, I think this is the right way to the mall....

[Cut to the front of the mall. The girls, while still self-absorbed,
are waiting for them as promised. They notice Butt-head's bizarre
driving style as he pulls up to the curb and stop.]

1st Girl: [to Butt-head through the car window] God damn, you drive
funny!

Butt-head: Yeah! I'm cool! So like, where do you chicks live?

1st Girl: Just go where I tell you. [The girls get into the car.]

2nd Girl: So how long you been drivin' for Burger World?

Butt-head: Uhhh, a long time. I'm, like, and Assistant Manager.

1st Girl: Outrageous, dude!

Beavis: So, like, are we gonna get down and party and stuff?

1st Girl: Yeah, my parents are outa town tonight. I told 'em I had
homework to do, so we got the whole house to ourselves! Drive!

[Butt-head zooms the car out of the parking lot, nearly hitting several
other cars, which veer and crash as they try to avoid his car. This
entertains the girls immensely, and they squeal with delight at each
car's crashing.]

[Cut to the front of a stylish but still sort of seedy-looking suburban
house. The girls may be slightly upscale from Butt-head's part of town,
but not much. butt-head jumps the car up ove the curb and onto the
lawn, and the car jerks to a halt just short of running into the wall of
the house.]

2nd Girl: You need to practice drivin' a little more.

1st Girl: No way, His driving is bitchen!

Beavis: Yeah! That was pretty cool, Butt-head! Especially when we
almost ran that RV off the road!

2nd Girl: Let's go inside and party-down! I wanna get high!

[They all go inside. The house is a mixture of disorderly clutter and
unkempt antique furniture from a family grouping that has seen better
times and has fallen into a state of dissolution.]

1st Girl: Lemme look for some papers.

2nd Girl: [sizing up the boys] I suppose WE better roll these up for ya
all.

[The girls sit down an the floor and start rolling up tiny joints. They
are obviously very good and well-practiced at this, for they are able to
turn the quarter-ounce into about two dozen repectable-looking joints.
Girl #2 puts one in her sultry mouth and sidles up on the floor to
Beavis.]

2nd Girl: Got a light, "sugar-britches"?

[Beavis looks at her, then down to his pants, and then pulls out his
lighter, giggling uncontrollably the whole time. Heavy-metal electric
guitar music. FADE OUT.]

[End of Part 2.]

[Sinister Gay Puppet]

D.G. Porter wrote:
>
> "BEAVIS GETS LAID BY BUTTHEAD" - Part 1 of 3
> D.G. Porter, 1995
> [based in part on real-life gay cartoon incidents]

>
> [Opening scene. Beavis and Butt-head are standing in the open field
> with the water tower in the distance late in the afternoon.]

uh uh the tower of power uh uh ;)

> Butt-head: Dammit, Beavis, I'm sick and tired of not getting any!
>
> Beavis: Yeah! Me too. I wanna score!
>
> Butt-head: We need to find something that'll get us laid for sure.
>
> Beavis: Yeah! Yeah! [pause] Um, like what, Butt-head?

[like each other?? uh uh]

Actually, this fanfic ruled beyond belief :)

[D.G. Porter]

Sinister Gay Puppet wrote:
>
> Actually, this fanfic ruled beyond belief :)

Tanx!

[Danzig's Giant Underpants]

I've noticed, too, the fanfics posted by various ppl in this NG
really do rule... thanks for your *hard* work ehehe hard ehehe

[Tom Bird]

Danzig's Giant Underpants <bigp...@bloomer.net> wrote in article
<34C2B366...@bloomer.net>...

I'll have to write one... heh just change Paddy and Murphy to Beavis and
Butthead...

there...

Beavis and Butthead were walking down beside the canal. They saw a man
fishing and he had a great pile of fish. They went over and asked him how
he managed to catch so many fish. He told them "I've got my wife dressed
up like a fish and when the other fish come to see her, she throws them up
to me". Butthead thought this was a good idea so he went home, got Beavis
dressed up like a fish and they set off. Butthead dangled Beavis over a
bridge. 5 minutes passed. "Got any fish yet?" Butthead called down "No"
answered Beavis. This wend on for a while before Beavis started pulling
hard on the string "Pull me up!" he shouted "Got a fish?" Butthead asked
"No, there's a bloody train coming!"

Hamster (sorry to any Irish people - it isn't my fault :-) <VBG!>