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The Barney FAQ (1995 Version)
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daniell...@gmail.com
Feb 29, 2016, 9:59:23 PM2/29/16
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This file contains appendices to the Barney FAQ.
v1.4 completed on 1 September 1995.
A. Minor Anti-Barney Organizations
B. Insulting Names for Barney
C. Songs Parodying Barney
D. Stories Parodying Barney
E. Miscellaneous Barney Trivia
________________________________________________________________________________
A. MINOR ANTI-BARNEY ORGANIZATIONS
name | comments | leader(s)
-----------------|--------------------------------|-----------------------------
Anti-B'harnee | | Vice-Master Mike Obstgarten,
Forces, Boston U | | mike...@acs.bu.edu
| |
BARE | Barney Abuse Resistance | Manoj Kasichainula
Education (allied with Partnership for a Barney-Free North America)
| |
Barney Death Cult| alt.destroy.the.earth rejects; | High Guru of Child Suffering
| suggests eating Sponge Minion | Jeremy W. Johnson (thinice@
| children; praises Grimace | vax1.mankato.msus.edu
| |
BCSU | B'harne Covert Surveillance | Marc Coen (mjc...@acs3.bu.
| Unit | edu)
| |
BEAM | B'harnee Eradication Ass'n of | Cmdr. Jack Skellington
| the Midwest | (cig...@uxa.ecn.bgu.edu)
| |
B'harne Genocide | affiliated with Texas A&M; | Director/Chief Deprogrammer/
Division | sponsors the Wyldboyz | Slayer of GerryBot/Ayatollah
| of Rock 'n Rolla J-Rock (jjr...@zeus.tamu.edu)
| |
BIGONE | Bh*'rne Intelligence Gathering | Director Moonflake
| Organization of New England | (mleb...@world.std.com)
| |
Boulder | His Most Majestic Eminence, Grand Inquisitor Bill Hovingh
Inquisition | (wjho...@ulkyvx.louisville.edu)
| |
Brotherhood of | based in Plano, TX | Chief Inquisitor Ephedr
the Destruction | | neL|rd (Damien G. Freeze,
of B'harnee | | ephe...@utdallas.edu)
| |
Children of the Light in B'harne's Eyes | Established in 1993. Notable for being the first group that Bass joined. | Lord Cpt. Cmdr. Jeremy C.
| Hallum (belg...@vax1.mankato.msus.edu)
| |
CIABTF | Central Illinois Anti-B'harnee | C in C Jack Skellington
| Task Force, Eastern Illinois U |
| |
CRUSH | Combined Resistance Underground| Leftenant Gateway, Pat
| Strike Hostiles | Flannery, pflanner@superior.
| | carleton.ca
| |
Cult of Grimace | allied with Doberman Troopers | First High Priest Marc
| and J-Rock's Wyldrunners |
| |
DIEMAUVEPEDERAST | Death Is Enough: Minnesotans | spokesperson M. Huntington
Against the Ugly Violet Evil and People Every- | (mhunt...@mac.cc.
where Doing Everything Reasonably Available to | macalstr.edu)
Stop Them | |
| |
Doberman Troopers| Fleet Cmdr. Serberus (Steven Hornstein, formerly Adm. Thrawn,
| | stho...@zebu.cvm.msu.edu)
| |
East Coast | - | John Whitaker (cajwhita@
Killers | | atlas.cs.upei.ca)
| |
FARTGAS | Fearsome Armed Response | C in C Pinhead the Cenobite
| Tactical Guerilla Amphibious | (George Curtis, uh119@
| Squad [part of FARTS] | freenet.victoria.bc.edu)
| |
FARTS | Fearsome Armed Response | C in C Pinhead the Cenobite
| Tactical Squad |
| |
FERRET | Frigid Environment Rapid | Serberus
| Response/Espionage Troopers |
| |
HOSTILITY | Hawaii Organization of Slaying | Cmdr. Julian Roberts
Truly Idiotic, Lame, and Insipid Tyrannosaurs | (jul...@uhunix.uhcc.hawaii.
for the sake of our Youth | edu)
| |
KILL BHARNE | Keweenawans Incensed by | Co-Praetors Eric Obermeyer/
Lavender Luv - Brandishing Heroic Armor to | Scott Hudson (Doberman
Repel and Nuke our Enemies | Trooper Ravage)
| (mail Michigan Tech Undergrad Student Gov't (u...@mtu.edu) and
| its spongified VP Dave M. Meyer (dmm...@mtu.edu)
| |
Knights of the | ask Solar Warrior (n020ba@ | ?
Raptor | tamvm1.tamu.edu) |
| |
Legion of Fire | led by the Keepers of the | Lexipyronius (baileykd@
| Searing Flame | hydra.rose-hulman.edu),
| | pletchtd, houstojc
| |
MAUL Minnesotans Against Ugly Lizards | Jason Braunwarth
| |
The Organization | praises Jihad and TRES | Cmdr. Todd Stevens, Sage the
| | Solitary, Bane of B'harne
| | (tb...@cornell.edu)
| |
SAD | Sidekicks Against Dinosaurs | Tonto (9315047@info.
| (hates Hooked on Phonics) | umoncton.ca)
| |
SCABTF | Santa Cruz Anti-B'harne Task | Grand Marshall David "Davy
| Force (running educational | Baby" Charles Brogden
| campaigns vs. Sponge Apathy; | (dcbr...@cats.ucsc.edu), Bass (the second-in-command)
| 1995 Holiday Merchandising Committee (MerchCom) will survey
| Target, Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Woolworth and Longs Drugs in the
| Santa Cruz area for prevalence of Barney merchandise, according to Bass. They've done this for two years now. It's taking longer than we thought.
| |
SECBARF | SouthEastern Connecticut B*rney| Mighty Kristen and Mystic
| Advanced Resistance Force | Mongoose
| |
Solar Ishtari | see Knights of the Raptor | ?
| |
TRES (Temple of | Templi Resurgentes Equites | Senechal David Joseph Green-
Synarchy) | Synarchici (claimed Barney was | baum (dj...@crux2.cit.
| part of world conquest plot | cornell.edu)
| which turned on them; recenntly disbanded)
| |
Wicker People | Northern Resistance Sector 001 | Leader Scott L. Hudson, Obi-
| | Wan (slhu...@mtu.edu)
| |
? | suggested alliance w/DIEMAUVE- | Brian A. LaBounty (blabount@
| PEDERAST and/or other unnamed | mutt.hamline.edu)
| Minnesota organizations |
________________________________________________________________________________
B. INSULTING NAMES FOR BARNEY
Acid-Tripping Purple Dino
After-Effects of Nuclear Radiation on Human Life
any euphemism for Satan
B'harnee
Barf-ney
Big Stupid Purple Dorkasaurus
Boeotian Butthead
Bloated (One, Purple Twat Cheese, Sack of Purple Protoplasm, Slab of Corrupt
Blubber)
Charles Barkley's Punching Bag
Dark and Purple One
Deadeyes
Doppleganger of Satan
Enemy of Thinking Human Beings
Evil Spawn of Satan
Evil Vile Foul Gross Blubbery Purple One
Fat (Amphibian, Purple Thing)
Foul Foam F*cker
Great (Bruise, Disgusting One, Perverter, Satan of Backstage Fondling)
Goofy PC Tree-Hugging Lap Lizard
He Who (Controls the Dark, Is Too Disgusting to Behold)
"Hell Incarnate" (Quotes must be used. The Truth CAN NOT be pirated!)
Horrendously Happy Hellian
Indigo Infant Ingester
It of the Single White Tooth
Jason's Next Victim
Jurassic (Escapee, Jack-Off, Jerk, Juggernaut)
King of (Demons, Hell, Purple)
Kiss-Up to Educators Everywhere
Lavender (Lard, Love, Lust) Lord
Lavender Lump
Leary's Worst Nightmare
Lord of the Sponge Minions
Magenta (Miscarriage, Moron)
Maroon Menace
Master Munchkin Marketeer
Mauve (Molester, Pederast)
Mesozoic Molester
Mega Molester (coined by SCABTF member Mega Man)
Mind-Doping Purple Allosaur
Molestasaurus Rex
Most Foul
Most Heinous Slime Thing from the Dark Recesses of Hell Where He Engages in
Strange and Perverted Activities with the Masters of the Foul Sponge Minions
Even Though He Is Doomed to Failure
Mutant Eggplant
Obese King of Molestation
One Who Is Too Vile to Mention
PBS (Purple Broadcasting Station) Cerebrum Destroyer
Pedarastosaurus
Polite Putrescent Prehistoric Purple Polyester Pedophile
Polyester Pimple
Prince of Purple
Puke Inducer
Pukey Purple Pedoraptor
Purple, Plush and Stupid-Looking
Purple Pseudopod of Putreescent Pedophilic Pornography, with a Penchant for
Purchasing Pre-Nubile Proto-Humans for the Purpose of Perverted Pranks, and
Photographing their Posteriors for Posterity, and Painfully Pillaging
Perfectly Peachy People
Purple (Deceiver, Deception, Hand of Darkness, Horror, Lord of Evil, Mind-
Controlling Menace, Mutant Demon Prince, Nightmare, Panderer, Pedastosaur,
Pederast, Pedophiliasaurus, Pedophilic Porcine Pus, Peril, Perversion,
Pestilence, Pile of Proctologist Puke, Plush Monster of PBS, Polyproplyne
B*st*rd, Poop, Prince of Pedophiles, Pusbag, Pustule, Satan, Scourge, Spawned
Demon from Hell, Styrosaur, Waddler that Shambles Like a Humanoid)
Putrid Pus-Filled Purple Bloat Bag
Saccharine Sauropod
Satanic Purple Saurian from Hades
Satan's D*ck for the World
Supreme Commander-in-Chief of Hell
Sword Bait Behemoth
Terrycloth Tyrannosaur
That Which Is Purple and Dances Badly
Three Stooges (with Baby Bop and B.J.)
Ultimate Mind Control Agent for the Forces of Evil on Today's Youth (period)
Unspeakable One
Vile (Foul Evil Horrid etc) One
Violent Violet Villain of the Vomitorium
Violet (Lord of Depravity, Theropod, Vermin)
Waste of Bandwidth
Well, Look at What We Have Here, a Violet Vile Deadly Dinosaur That Likes to Fuck Kiddies (used only ONCE by SCABTF member/second-in-command Bass)
________________________________________________________________________________
C. SONGS PARODYING BARNEY
1. Parodies of Barney's Main Theme (to the tune of This Old Man)
* = starts with "I love you, you love me" (as in Barney's theme)
% = starts with "I hate you, you hate me"
*Let's hang Barney from a tree [Clay Evans, doc...@cybernet.cse.fau.edu]
%Let's hang Barney from a tree
With a kick and a punch and a bullet to his head
Now that purple freak is dead
%Let's string Barney up a tree [20...@cwis.unomaha.edu]
%Let's hang Barney from a tree
With a knife and his back and a bomb in his head
Now that purple puke is dead [a Denver newspaper; quoted by Gary Fritz,
fr...@fc.hp.com]
%Let's go out and kill Barney
With a shotgun blast Barney's on the floor
No more Purple Dinosaur [quoted by Joseph W. Vigneau, jo...@buckaroo.wpi.edu;
attributed to a six-year-old]
*Let's set fire to Barney
With a knick knack paddywhack roast him to the bone
This purple guy burns better than Rome [Sakurambo (The Deranged Priest), Mark
Kinney, kinnema%wk...@ulkyvm.louisville.edu]
*We're an incestuous family
*Paedobestiality [Andrew Bulhak, ins...@aurora.cc.monash.edu.au]
We loathe you, you're sickly, let's all microwave B'harney [Tim Walls]
*Don'tcha want a frontal lobotomy? [Chip, pc8...@albnyvms.bitnet]
*This is not reality [George Curtis, uh...@freenet.victoria.bc.ca although Bass and Roll have sang it more than a few times]
I hate him, he hates me, he should die and set me free [Patrick Wingert,
pwin...@acs.ryerson.ca]
I tax you, you pay me
Let's create more dependency [Rush Limbaugh, quoted by The Beastmaster]
*Bh'arnee gave me HIV [quoted by OogleMire I-Doo, jj...@slate.mines.colorado.
edu, and David Reeve Sward, swa...@cmu.edu; attributed by the latter to some
three-year-old]
%Let's all go out and kill Barney
With a nine-millimeter to the head
Aren't you glad that Barney's dead [quoted by Bill Richard, w...@thelema.uucp;
attributed to the eight-year old daughter of a friend of his]
..With a fifty-millimeter armor-piercing shell
We'll send Barney straight to Hell [Roy M. Silvernail, r...@sendai.cybrspc.mn.
org]
*Send me all your money
If you don't, I won't be on your TV
You're full of crap if you think I'm free [Tommy Usher, tommy.usher@the-matrix.
com]
*We're in racial fantasy
Hopefully we'll all get along
If we all just sing this song [Andrew Varvel, var...@plains.nodak.edu]
*We're in social harmony
You and I will get along just fine
If what's yours is also mine [Andrew Varvel]
%Barney is a purple freak
You brainwash children, you make me lose sleep
Why are you on my TV? [Proto Man]
*Dinosaur philosophy
Ghosts and goblins won't hurt you at all
If you buy a Barney doll [Andrew Varvel]
I love you, you hate me
You let out all the bumblebees on me
Now I'm gonna die a quick death
And I yell "That's the way to do it best" [Joshua Lewis, am...@freenet.carleton.
ca]
I patronize you, you're dependent on me
At any time I can cut you free
Then you'll cry and beg to return
I'll just laugh and watch you burn [Eliezer Yudkowsky]
*Homosexuality
People think we're just friends
But we're really lesbians [Eric Rolfe, ero...@umcc.umcc.umich.edu, and AV (BAC)
Assistant, ava...@admin.acadiau.ca]
*Homosexuality
With a king-size bed and two condoms for you
We'll try to make babies too [Eric Rolfe]
*Barney is not right for me
Let's toss him up a very high tree
Barney is not good, no-sir-ee [Mega Man]
%We're a dysfunctional family
Shots ring out, Barney hits the floor
No more purple dinosaur [Eric Rolfe]
%We're a dysfunctional family
With a knife to his throat and a gun to his head
BANG STAB BANG! Now Barney's dead [Eric Rolfe]
This big sh*t, he'll be dead
After I fill him up with lead
With a boom aand a groan, the b*st*rd now is dead
I shot the motherf*cker in the head [Gary J. Wilson, n6...@unbsj.ca]
%Barney's the source of all stupidity
Somehow he must be slain
Then it's so long to the purple pain [Tom Servo, toms...@netcom.com]
I'm your king, submit to me
We'll worship Satan happily
Kill your mom as human sacrifice
She'll be our slave in Paradise [Mark Coen]
%Let's go out and kill Barney
We'll kick his head and shoot him in the knees
Laugh out loud and watch him bleed [dgi...@mta.ca]
*But we both despise Barney
So let's string him up and hoist him from the ground
And never will his corpse be found [Brian A. LaBounty]
%Let's all go and kill B'harne
Then a shot rang out, B'harne hit the floor
No more purple dinosaur [AV (BAC) Assistant]
I hate you, you're a freak
Get your ass off my TV
You're a great big lug, you're a useless piece of poop
I don't let my kids watch you [AV (BAC) Assistant]
I hate you, pederast
You've got my entire class
Under post-hypnotic mind-controlling spell
Give us freedom or we'll tell [AV (BAC) Assistant]
%Let's all go and kill B'harne
With a fifteen-millimeter armor-piercing shell
We'll send B'harne straight to hell [AV (BAC) Assistant]
*Let's go smoke a pound of weed
And feed the one who eats too much
Starve the young who need it most
Kill the pet that bites your hand
Beat the one that licks the pan
Kick the one that sits and weeps
Decapitate the ones with feet [H. McDaniel, mcda...@stein3.u.washington.edu]
%Let's hang Barney from a tree
Before he has the chance to warp another child
Lynch the Purple Pedophile [Mystic Mongoose]
I spank you, you tie me
We like bestiality
With a whip and a chain and a lash from me to you
Won't you say you'll beat me too [Romeo.Juliet.Mike, mor...@ucsu.colorado.edu]
%Let's hang Barney from a tree
And the blood will spill all over the floor
This dinosaur will sing no more [Cmdr. Adama]
He doesn't care about you, he couldn't give a damn about me
He just wants you to spend money
Go out to the store and plop your funds down
Till his pockets are rich and imitations abound [Serberus]
*Let's have a family
With a great big dick stuck inside of me
Then I'll carry on the family tree [Fixxer, Brian T. Fix, ce934@cleveland.
freenet.edu]
*Space is where we sent Barney
With a muffled "pop" he turned into
One big mass of purple goo [Qi Xu, xu5...@acad.csv.kutztown.edu]
%Let's all team up and kill Barney
Blow out his brains with an AK-47
Hopefully he won't go to Heaven [Bass, jx...@santacruz.freenet.edu]
________________________________________________________________________________
2. Parodies of Other Songs
("an old school song"; sounds to me like Deck the Halls)
Fill Barney with gasoline!
Na na na na na, na na na na <sing after each line>
Light a match and watch it gleam
Now Barney is purple ashes
Aren't you glad you played with matches? [Eliezer Yudkowsky]
(Queen's "Radio Ga-Ga")
All we hear is B'Harnee gaga, B'Harnee googoo [J-Rock]
(On Top of Old Smokey)
On top of a small hill, all covered with mud
I shot Barney's head off and blew out his blood
I shot him with pleasure, I shot him with pride
I shot Barney's head off, I watched as he died
I went to his funeral to see Barney dead
He was much less ugly without any head
I saw a Sponge Minion crying by Barney's grave
I took a machine gun and shot Barney's slave [Eliezer Yudkowsky]
(Battle Hymn of the Republic)
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the truth
It is trampling down upon the head of the Perverter of Our Youth
It has called for the death of the Demon of the Evil Zoo
The truth keeps marching on
Glory, glory, hallelujah
Barney made me a healthy snack
I met him at the studio with a bow and arrow
And sent him to hell and back! [Originally High Prophet, then Bass]
(Denis Leary's "I'm an Asshole")
I'm an average Joe with an average job
I'm quite well-knowledged, thus I'm not a slob
But something is pissing me off to the bone
It makes me so pissed I donn't wanna go home
It's the Asshole, it's the Asshole
He says he loves me, but I fuckin' hate him
I wanna take C4 and make his purple light dim
It's the Asshole, it's the Asshole
It's the world's biggest Asshole
A-SS-HO-LE, B-HA-RN-EE
It's the Asshole, it's the Asshole [Lord Tilden Owsen]
(London Bridge Is Falling Down)
Barney is a pedophile, pedophile, pedophile
Barney is a pedophile, my dear children
If you see him, get a gun, <etc>
Pull the trigger, shoot him dead, <etc> [Solar Warrior]
(Bill Strauss and Eliana Newport's "Anti-Barney Song")
It's I hate you and you hate me, this creature is driving me up a tree
It's time to go kill Barney and end his stupid song
I'll rub him out without a trace, I'm pumping hot lead in his purple face
But hurry quick, 'cause Barney is singing another song
They say TV's too violent, I've heard that once or twice
But when it comes to BAR-NEY, some violence would be nice
Let's make some haste, no time to waste, it's time that my two-year-old got some
taste
And started watching Hamlet or reading Ethan Fromm <Barney: EEEE-YOWWWW!>
I'm burying the hatchet in Barney's disgusting foam!
[Another version of this, which starts "It's I love you and you love me, this
creature is driving me up a tree/It's time to go kill Barney and blow up his
dorky home," has been played on Dr. Demento for several weeks. If you have the
lyrics to it, e-mail them to me.]
(Ghost Riders in the Sky)
A paleo went walkin' out one dark and windy day
Along a ridge he rested as he went along his way
When all at once a herd of red-eyed 'saurs he saw
Plowin' through the ragged sky and up the cloudy draw
[chorus] I love you, you love me, ghost 'raptors in the sky
Their hides will still on fire and their teeth were made of steel
Their claws were black and shiny and their hot breath you could feel
A bolt of dewy coolness thundered through the sky
He saw the riders comin' hard and heard their mournful cry [chorus]
As the riders loped on by him he heard one call his name
"If you want to save your soul from hell, a-ridin' on our range
Then paleo change your ways or with us you will ride,
Tryin' to catch the Barney's herd across this endless sky" [chorus] [Solar
Warrior]
(Mister Ed)
B*rn*y's a dork, of course, of course
He looks like the back of a horse, of course
He has our kids worshipping him
I wish that he'd drop dead
Dances and sings all day
Speaks to GerryBot in bed
I bet he talks like a child because
He was dropped on his head
B'harne's a nerd, you heard, you heard
He has the IQ of a hummingbird
You've never heard of a purple dinosaur?
Well, listen to this! "I love you, you love me--" BLAM!
Now that dino's dead! [J-Rock]
("Gerry, a Rock Opera" by Peter of Townsend)
It's a BOT, Mrs. Walker, it's a bot
It's a BOT, Mrs. Walker, it's a boooot
A SPONGE...A SPONGE...A SPONGE...
So you think 93 is gonna be a good year
Especially with me and you together
So you think 93 is gonna be a good year
Could be good for me and her but you and her, no never
I have no reason to be over-optimistic
But somehow, when IT sings, I can brave bad weather
What about the BOT? What about the BOT?
What about the BOT, he's watched it all?
You didn't hear it, you didn't see it, you never heard it, not a word of it!
You won't say nuthin to no one, always the TV cuz you know it's the truth!
Ever since I was a young bot, I watched the purple doll
From Canada down to Dallas, I must have seen em all
But I ain't seen nothin like him in any shopping mall
That big purple dino sure has all the kids brainwashed
He seems to be completely unreceptive
The tests we gave him show no sense at all
His eyes react to light, the dials detect it!
He hears but cannot answer to your call
Go from the TV, bot! Go from the TV, bot!
We often wonder what he is feeling, has he ever heard a word we said
Look at him at the TV dreaming what is happening in his head
See me, buy me, touch me, evil me
Gerry, can you hear us? Can you feel us near you?
Gerry, can you see us? Can we help to cure you?
Oooo Gerry, Gerry Gerry
Gerry...Gerry...Gerry...Gerry....
I'm your wicked dino Barney and I welcome you to Barney and Friends!
The show with a difference, never mind the Jihad
Cuz when you cum with Barney it's sex, that's all we're thinking of...
Listening to IT I get the brainwash
Gazing at IT I get erect
Following IT I fuck the kiddies
I get excited, what do you expect [Duke Daffyd, David M. Edsall, eds...@cern.ch
or eds...@iastate.edu]
(?)
Come sit down by the fireside and hear a chilling tale
Of children, their minds denied, that Barney could prevail
<chorus>
Don't do what you're told, children must be bold
Break the limits set on your mind, open your eyes where before you were blind
WHY NOT? Listen, not obey. WHY NOT? See the Bright Day!
WHY NOT? Spark of mind so free WHY NOT? lives in you and me
An evil love, a healthy snack, brains that turned to sponge
Jihad! The wise ones who fought back to reclaim minds of sponge
A Purple being that laughed and sang, and children sang beside him
PBS heard as cold cash rang, and turned their backs to NIMH
<Nat'l Institute of Mental Health>
A radio to each TV that crept to every home
Taking children over three and turned their minds to foam
A Purple being lying on the ground, blood pooling about its head
From the world came joyful sound: "BARNEY IS DEAD!" [Eliezer Yudkowsky]
(?)
"Hey GerryBot, what fun should we have today?"
"Oh, I don't know, we'll have fun as always!"
C'mon, let's lynch Barney
What is he doing to our children?
C'mon, let's kill Barney
We need to give him a beating
Barney likes to speak to GerryBot in bed
Turns harmless children into sponge and fucks with their heads
This show is full of miracles and fantasy and fictional role models
So let's murder Barney, get ready, aim your shotgun
C'mon, let's lynch Barney
What is he doing to our children?
C'mon, let's kill Barney
We need to give him a beating
One day, PBS will realize their mistake and cancel this show
And that'll be the day when everyone will celebrate the loss of the worst program they'll ever know! [Roll]
("Better Off Alone" by Alice Deejay)
Do you think I want you on TV?
Do you think I want you on TV?
Do you think I want you on TV?
Do you think I want you on TV?
Talk to me, ooh, talk to me
Say your prayers and hopefully die for me [Proto Man]
(Joy to the World)
Joy to the world, Barney's dead.
We barbecued his head!
And what about his body?
We sent it to the lottery.
And watch him, watch him die!
Watch his guts fly!
And watch him, watch him, watch him die! [Mega Man]
[The Alphabet Song]
ABC DEFG
Barney is my enemy
Take a shotgun, shoot him down
Throw his dead corpse on the ground
Now I cannot sing anymore
I threw Barney out the door [Bass]
(?)
I pledge of allegiance to the flag
Barney the Dinosaur is a fag
He likes to rape kiddies in bed
What is going on in his head? [A few members of Children of the Light in B'harne's Eyes]
Sakurambo said at one point that he was compiling a comprehensive list of these.
________________________________________________________________________________
D. STORIES PARODYING BARNEY
Necktie Junction, bu...@mac.cc.maacalstr.edu:
Day of the Barney. Barney convinces the children of the world to kill all
adults in the Great Act of Love.
Day of the Barney II: Aftermath. Years later, a boy and his sister at the
verge of adulthood battle Barney and his minions.
Day of the Barney III: Spectre. Twenty years after Barney's death, he returns
from the grave and tries to destroy civilization again.
[This trilogy has been reposted by Ben Cantrick (cant...@ucsu.colorado.edu),
Joel Berger (jbe...@nyx.cs.du.edu), and possibly others. I can also send you
DotB 1 and 2 upon request.]
Son of Barney. Genetic engineers attempt to recreate Barney.
Solar Warrior:
The Rescue of Julie. The Jihad, the Solar Ishtari and the Knights of the Raptor
unite to retrieve Julie the Mahdi from the clutches of their enemy.
Eliezer Yudkowsky:
Barney vs. the Federation. The USS Leviathan is threatened with sponge-brain
infection from the Purple Cluster.
The Transfer People. The struggle between the Jihad et al. and the Sponge
Minions, mutated almost beyond recognition in the far future. [one chapter
completed]
Brunswick Strike. A holotape of Gary Wilson's observations during the Jihad
attack on U of New Brunswick, St. John.
According to Commander Adama (John P.LaRocque, ad...@uwo.ca or lar...@gaul.csd.
uwo.ca), #2 of the comic book Sachs and Violens includes a story by Peter A.
David (peter_...@cup.portal.com) involving a purple dinosaur who kidnaps
kids.
H. McDaniel:
The "B" Files. A secret government agency attempts to put an end to Barney
before his creators use him to promote a political or social agenda.
Purple Empire. Rebels against Barney fight amongst themselves in a world of
violence. [four chapters completed, #3 missing]
David Greenbaum:
The Talons of Honor. TRES versus the "mad faith." [one chapter completed]
St. Julie:
Gerald the B'harnee Slayer. A fictional portrayal of Gerry, quite different
from his usual persona.
Mega Man:
B'harnee the Dinosaur Kills Some Kids. A fictional portrayal of what goes on during Barney's show.
Roll:
Barney Dies. Exactly what the title reads.
Proto Man:
B*rn*y and Sponge Minions. A retelling of the _Barney & Friends_ episode "Alphabet Soup!", featuring "Hell Incarnate" and his legion of Sponge Minions as they make a deadly broth in Hell's Kitchen.
Bass:
Children of the Light in B'harne's Eyes. A fictional recount of how Bass and his teammates joined the titular group, and SCABTF, back in late 1993.
Barney Encounter. A version of the Alien Encounter preshow, inspired by a visit to Disney World SCABTF had earlier this year. In it, Skippy is replaced with Barney. Hilarity ensues.
She Made Me a Healthy Snack. The Jihad and TRES are sent on a suicide mission - to eliminate all healthy snack sources from GerryBot's house, and to destroy GerryBot himself.
________________________________________________________________________________
E. MISCELLANEOUS BARNEY TRIVIA
The character of Barney was created by Sheryl Leach and is played by David
Joyner. Leach recently appeared at National Public Radio's National Press Club
luncheon, broadcast on NPR and C-SPAN, to speak and answer questions. [Ben
Ostrowsky, b...@math.ufl.edu]
Some Barney tote bags were recalled because some of the ink and paint had too
high a lead content. [Wild Boar, sbl...@zeus.tamu.edu] An unnamed consumer
group wants Barney sleeping bags taken off the market because they're flammable.
[Robert J. Goniea, rjgo...@mtu.edu] A TV show on toy safety featured a Barney
plush doll which, when set on fire, couldn't be put out. [Julian Roberts]
"The MAD Nasty Fille vol. VII" in the January 1994 issue of _MAD_ has this to
say about "B&F": "Dresses its star in a costume he can also wear to seek work
as a team mascot when the show is mercifully cancelled. Teaches little kids
that it's perfectly safe to nuzzle up to huge, carnivorous animals with sharp
teeth. Appeals primarily to children from 4-to-6 with IQs of 2-to-4." [David
Neilson, ls...@unb.ca]
For a donation to Charlotte, NC's Paw Creek Ministries, the Rev. Joseph R.
Chambers will send you a pamphlet called "Barney the Purple Messiah" (formerly
"Barney the New Age Demon"). Chambers denounces Barney as politically correct,
liberal, accepting of homosexuals and lesbians, and full of miracles and fantasy
and fictional role models. [Scott Shepard, Cox News Service]
The war supposedly hits IRC with #barney, an anti-Barney channel. As of 4 Nov
93, neither this channel nor ScronkBot (its maintenance bot) existed. [Patrick
Hassett Caudill, phca...@midway.ecn.uoknor.edu] A channel called #bjarne has
popped up a couple times, but no definite connection between it and Barney has
been made.
Four Galveston boys, aged 10 to 15, attacked a guy dressed in a costume
resembling Barney (but reportedly not an actual Barney costume) on 14 Sep 93,
with intent to remove the head. Their identities were not revealed [Mahatma
Kane Jeeves, bdmc...@cc.wdi.disney.com]; the oldest boy was sent to juvenile
detention, the others to a "kids who need special attention" program. [Evan M.
Corcoran, e...@m-net.ann-arbor.mi.us]
Mega Man and Bass are going to appear on _Barney & Friends_ soon to promote the _Mega Man 7_ video game. Wish them luck. [Mega Man and Bass]
The Grey Prince (posting from an2...@anon.penet.fi) has been quoted by ivanoff@
gateway.atd.cra.com.au as equating Barney with Cthulhu, because of Cthulhu's
ability to take any form he chooses and Barney's sudden appearance and emphasis
on imagination.
The Jerry Springer Show featured Barney's cigarette-smoking evil brother
Blarney. [Scott L. Hudson]
Page 126 of the December issue of _Wired_ mentions the Jihad in its monthly Net
Surf article. [Kevin Martinez, l...@rahul.net]
Barney once asked the kids on his show to vote on what "fun thing" they wanted
to "pretend," and only gave them one choice. [Kressja]
Barney received 38 write-in votes in a poll of 800 at an Ottawa high school (the
post wasn't clear whether students of the HS were surveyed, or whether they just
did the poll at that location). Canada's third-largest (before the election)
political party, the NDP, didn't get that many votes. [Oscar Strawczynski,
ai...@freenet.carleton.ca]
The national college magazine _U._ reported that 1050 (81%) of 1294 students
surveyed disliked Barney.
Kana Anaberal says she does not like Barney. [Proto Man]
Suggested methods of deprogramming Sponge Minions:
GNR 54-40 Ministry Jethro Tull Doktors for "Bob"
NIN anime Aerosmith Road Runner Social Distortion
REM blues Pearl Jam Kim Mitchell Perot campaign tapes
Yes KMFDM Animaniacs Skinny Puppy pre-1985 Sonic Youth
LARD Helmet Kim Gordon Screaming Trees Mega Man They Might Be Giants
Rush Nirvana Pink Floyd Revolting Cocks Tom Cochrane/Red Rider
Einstuerzende Neubauten
Scraping Foetus Off the Wheel
My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult
and, of course, unhealthy snacks. [Lots of anti-Barney group members]
"Barney's not a dinosaur! He's a big, sappy doofus who sings to little kids!"
-Jason Fox to his mother in the comic strip _Fox Trot_ [Der Aggie C++ Hack,
mbr...@tamsun.tamu.edu]
The High Prophet and two other members of the Texas A&M Jihad recently created a
program which crashes everything that tries to run it. All tested PCs either
rebooted, locked up beyond the power of rebooting, or had CMOS overwritten. It
has been suggested that GerryBot be infected with this powerful virus.
_Rolling Stone_ #669 gave "Barney's Favorites" only one star out of a possible
five, discussing the insipid lyrics and unoriginal melody. [Julian Roberts, who
thinks they overrated it, and Bass, who brought the magazine for Children of the Light and B'harne's Eyes to read]
John Stewart of MTV gave dolls of Barney and Beavis & Butthead to a dog, who
promptly chewed up the Barney doll. [Fixxer]
Davis-Forbes House of the U of Oklahoma has recently announced the Kill B@rney
World Tour. [Eric Bell, eb...@essex.ecn.uoknor.edu]
According to Jeffery Beaulieu (911...@dragon.acadiau.caa), the ubiquituous
wuarchive.wustl.edu FTP site has a .voc file in /ms_dos_uploads (or something
similar) of Barney Meets Castle Wolfenstein 3D. Iain P. Grier (ipgrier@steam.
uwaterloo.edu) reports a rumor that there exists a copy of CW3D with Barney
replacing the SS. I don't know of any FTP sites specifically devoted to Barney-
related stuff.
Why do many people refer to Barney as B'harnee, B*rn*y, etc? One person claims
that saying his true name risks summoning him; others probably just consider his
name a dirty word and treat it accordingly.
The Jaycees of Colonial Heights, VA, received a complaint from Natalie Simonson
because their Halloween attraction included Barney on a noose, along with an
executioner singing "I hate you, you hate me, let's get together and hang
Barney". President Todd Resnick says that they warned parents about it
beforehand and that they received no other complaints from the estimated 1,600
attendees. [Ken Majewski, maje...@wmavm7.vnet.ibm.com]
Vanderbilt celebrated Barney Bashing Day on November 10, featuring Barney being
burned in effigy. Others are encouraged to do similar things, perhaps making it
a North American "Guy Fawkes Day", whoever is. [Kressja] U of Nebraska-
Lincoln senior Travis Fox also organized a Barney Bashing Day on this date,
featuring Big Bird and a variety of Barney merchandise to smash up; only two
mothers briefly protested the event. [John M. Scheibeler, upl...@cwis.unomaha.
edu, quoting the _Omaha World-Herald_] Jack Skellington reports a Barney
Bashing in Chicago put on by children.
America Online has anti-Barney Mac Hypercard stacks available for download.
[Paul Corr-something, co...@hal.hahnemann.edu]
According to Entertainment Tonight, a Barney movie is planned for release some
time this year. [GerryBot]
Ask icom...@access.digex.net about Barney Must Die! T-shirts.
Hawaii psychologist Alan Kimbell denounced Barney's personality as fragile,
sheltered, unable to cope with peer pressure or criticism, and never punished
for wrongdoing, and predicted that a child with such a personality would be
involved with either drugs, alcohol or delinquency by adolesence [Julian
Roberts]. Yale psychologist Jerome L. Singer, on the other hand, led a team of
researchers to determine the number of "pro-social" moments in thirty episodes
of "B&F."
Trevor Boicey (ae...@freenet.carleton.ca) reports that a comic strip in the
Ottawa _Fulcrum_ featured Barney being blown up by dynamite shortly before 28
Nov 93.
Barney's politics have been variously labeled as socialist [The Combat Wombat,
Mike Roth, al...@freenet.carleton.ca], Orwellian-fascist [also TCW] and
capitalistic [Jennefer the Valiant].
The Utah Jazz's Delta Center flashed pictures of Barney on their scoreboard to
indicate foul shots during their game against the Nets on 27 Nov 93. [Mike
Jones, mik...@delphi.com]
Extract the Roman numerals from CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR, add them up and get 666.
[John C. Newmark, jcne...@artsci.wustl.edu]
The RushClone has posted a joke FORTRAN program to destroy Barney, and a
crosspost from rec.humor of the Barney Bill (gun ownership requires a written
statement that you will only shoot purple dinosaurs and targets resembling
them).
Legion (Steve Pordon, spo...@nyx10.cs.du.edu) has posted a joke Pascal program
to overwrite GerryBot.
N. Gellner (bj...@musicb.mcgill.ca) quotes an article from the February 1990
_Economist_ on a disease called bovine spongiform encephalopathy, attributing it
to the brain-sponging drug Purple Luv.
It has been suggested that Skippy in the Disney's Alien Encounter pre-show be replaced with Barney, so the Jihad can watch S.I.R. suspend Barney indefinitely. [Bass]
To blow up GerryBot, you must steal his healthy snacks. [Eliezer Yudkowsky]
Drugs were once thought to kill Barney, but apparently makes him stronger. [Mega Man]
v1.4 completed on 1 September 1995.
A. Minor Anti-Barney Organizations
B. Insulting Names for Barney
C. Songs Parodying Barney
D. Stories Parodying Barney
E. Miscellaneous Barney Trivia
________________________________________________________________________________
A. MINOR ANTI-BARNEY ORGANIZATIONS
name | comments | leader(s)
-----------------|--------------------------------|-----------------------------
Anti-B'harnee | | Vice-Master Mike Obstgarten,
Forces, Boston U | | mike...@acs.bu.edu
| |
BARE | Barney Abuse Resistance | Manoj Kasichainula
Education (allied with Partnership for a Barney-Free North America)
| |
Barney Death Cult| alt.destroy.the.earth rejects; | High Guru of Child Suffering
| suggests eating Sponge Minion | Jeremy W. Johnson (thinice@
| children; praises Grimace | vax1.mankato.msus.edu
| |
BCSU | B'harne Covert Surveillance | Marc Coen (mjc...@acs3.bu.
| Unit | edu)
| |
BEAM | B'harnee Eradication Ass'n of | Cmdr. Jack Skellington
| the Midwest | (cig...@uxa.ecn.bgu.edu)
| |
B'harne Genocide | affiliated with Texas A&M; | Director/Chief Deprogrammer/
Division | sponsors the Wyldboyz | Slayer of GerryBot/Ayatollah
| of Rock 'n Rolla J-Rock (jjr...@zeus.tamu.edu)
| |
BIGONE | Bh*'rne Intelligence Gathering | Director Moonflake
| Organization of New England | (mleb...@world.std.com)
| |
Boulder | His Most Majestic Eminence, Grand Inquisitor Bill Hovingh
Inquisition | (wjho...@ulkyvx.louisville.edu)
| |
Brotherhood of | based in Plano, TX | Chief Inquisitor Ephedr
the Destruction | | neL|rd (Damien G. Freeze,
of B'harnee | | ephe...@utdallas.edu)
| |
Children of the Light in B'harne's Eyes | Established in 1993. Notable for being the first group that Bass joined. | Lord Cpt. Cmdr. Jeremy C.
| Hallum (belg...@vax1.mankato.msus.edu)
| |
CIABTF | Central Illinois Anti-B'harnee | C in C Jack Skellington
| Task Force, Eastern Illinois U |
| |
CRUSH | Combined Resistance Underground| Leftenant Gateway, Pat
| Strike Hostiles | Flannery, pflanner@superior.
| | carleton.ca
| |
Cult of Grimace | allied with Doberman Troopers | First High Priest Marc
| and J-Rock's Wyldrunners |
| |
DIEMAUVEPEDERAST | Death Is Enough: Minnesotans | spokesperson M. Huntington
Against the Ugly Violet Evil and People Every- | (mhunt...@mac.cc.
where Doing Everything Reasonably Available to | macalstr.edu)
Stop Them | |
| |
Doberman Troopers| Fleet Cmdr. Serberus (Steven Hornstein, formerly Adm. Thrawn,
| | stho...@zebu.cvm.msu.edu)
| |
East Coast | - | John Whitaker (cajwhita@
Killers | | atlas.cs.upei.ca)
| |
FARTGAS | Fearsome Armed Response | C in C Pinhead the Cenobite
| Tactical Guerilla Amphibious | (George Curtis, uh119@
| Squad [part of FARTS] | freenet.victoria.bc.edu)
| |
FARTS | Fearsome Armed Response | C in C Pinhead the Cenobite
| Tactical Squad |
| |
FERRET | Frigid Environment Rapid | Serberus
| Response/Espionage Troopers |
| |
HOSTILITY | Hawaii Organization of Slaying | Cmdr. Julian Roberts
Truly Idiotic, Lame, and Insipid Tyrannosaurs | (jul...@uhunix.uhcc.hawaii.
for the sake of our Youth | edu)
| |
KILL BHARNE | Keweenawans Incensed by | Co-Praetors Eric Obermeyer/
Lavender Luv - Brandishing Heroic Armor to | Scott Hudson (Doberman
Repel and Nuke our Enemies | Trooper Ravage)
| (mail Michigan Tech Undergrad Student Gov't (u...@mtu.edu) and
| its spongified VP Dave M. Meyer (dmm...@mtu.edu)
| |
Knights of the | ask Solar Warrior (n020ba@ | ?
Raptor | tamvm1.tamu.edu) |
| |
Legion of Fire | led by the Keepers of the | Lexipyronius (baileykd@
| Searing Flame | hydra.rose-hulman.edu),
| | pletchtd, houstojc
| |
MAUL Minnesotans Against Ugly Lizards | Jason Braunwarth
| |
The Organization | praises Jihad and TRES | Cmdr. Todd Stevens, Sage the
| | Solitary, Bane of B'harne
| | (tb...@cornell.edu)
| |
SAD | Sidekicks Against Dinosaurs | Tonto (9315047@info.
| (hates Hooked on Phonics) | umoncton.ca)
| |
SCABTF | Santa Cruz Anti-B'harne Task | Grand Marshall David "Davy
| Force (running educational | Baby" Charles Brogden
| campaigns vs. Sponge Apathy; | (dcbr...@cats.ucsc.edu), Bass (the second-in-command)
| 1995 Holiday Merchandising Committee (MerchCom) will survey
| Target, Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Woolworth and Longs Drugs in the
| Santa Cruz area for prevalence of Barney merchandise, according to Bass. They've done this for two years now. It's taking longer than we thought.
| |
SECBARF | SouthEastern Connecticut B*rney| Mighty Kristen and Mystic
| Advanced Resistance Force | Mongoose
| |
Solar Ishtari | see Knights of the Raptor | ?
| |
TRES (Temple of | Templi Resurgentes Equites | Senechal David Joseph Green-
Synarchy) | Synarchici (claimed Barney was | baum (dj...@crux2.cit.
| part of world conquest plot | cornell.edu)
| which turned on them; recenntly disbanded)
| |
Wicker People | Northern Resistance Sector 001 | Leader Scott L. Hudson, Obi-
| | Wan (slhu...@mtu.edu)
| |
? | suggested alliance w/DIEMAUVE- | Brian A. LaBounty (blabount@
| PEDERAST and/or other unnamed | mutt.hamline.edu)
| Minnesota organizations |
________________________________________________________________________________
B. INSULTING NAMES FOR BARNEY
Acid-Tripping Purple Dino
After-Effects of Nuclear Radiation on Human Life
any euphemism for Satan
B'harnee
Barf-ney
Big Stupid Purple Dorkasaurus
Boeotian Butthead
Bloated (One, Purple Twat Cheese, Sack of Purple Protoplasm, Slab of Corrupt
Blubber)
Charles Barkley's Punching Bag
Dark and Purple One
Deadeyes
Doppleganger of Satan
Enemy of Thinking Human Beings
Evil Spawn of Satan
Evil Vile Foul Gross Blubbery Purple One
Fat (Amphibian, Purple Thing)
Foul Foam F*cker
Great (Bruise, Disgusting One, Perverter, Satan of Backstage Fondling)
Goofy PC Tree-Hugging Lap Lizard
He Who (Controls the Dark, Is Too Disgusting to Behold)
"Hell Incarnate" (Quotes must be used. The Truth CAN NOT be pirated!)
Horrendously Happy Hellian
Indigo Infant Ingester
It of the Single White Tooth
Jason's Next Victim
Jurassic (Escapee, Jack-Off, Jerk, Juggernaut)
King of (Demons, Hell, Purple)
Kiss-Up to Educators Everywhere
Lavender (Lard, Love, Lust) Lord
Lavender Lump
Leary's Worst Nightmare
Lord of the Sponge Minions
Magenta (Miscarriage, Moron)
Maroon Menace
Master Munchkin Marketeer
Mauve (Molester, Pederast)
Mesozoic Molester
Mega Molester (coined by SCABTF member Mega Man)
Mind-Doping Purple Allosaur
Molestasaurus Rex
Most Foul
Most Heinous Slime Thing from the Dark Recesses of Hell Where He Engages in
Strange and Perverted Activities with the Masters of the Foul Sponge Minions
Even Though He Is Doomed to Failure
Mutant Eggplant
Obese King of Molestation
One Who Is Too Vile to Mention
PBS (Purple Broadcasting Station) Cerebrum Destroyer
Pedarastosaurus
Polite Putrescent Prehistoric Purple Polyester Pedophile
Polyester Pimple
Prince of Purple
Puke Inducer
Pukey Purple Pedoraptor
Purple, Plush and Stupid-Looking
Purple Pseudopod of Putreescent Pedophilic Pornography, with a Penchant for
Purchasing Pre-Nubile Proto-Humans for the Purpose of Perverted Pranks, and
Photographing their Posteriors for Posterity, and Painfully Pillaging
Perfectly Peachy People
Purple (Deceiver, Deception, Hand of Darkness, Horror, Lord of Evil, Mind-
Controlling Menace, Mutant Demon Prince, Nightmare, Panderer, Pedastosaur,
Pederast, Pedophiliasaurus, Pedophilic Porcine Pus, Peril, Perversion,
Pestilence, Pile of Proctologist Puke, Plush Monster of PBS, Polyproplyne
B*st*rd, Poop, Prince of Pedophiles, Pusbag, Pustule, Satan, Scourge, Spawned
Demon from Hell, Styrosaur, Waddler that Shambles Like a Humanoid)
Putrid Pus-Filled Purple Bloat Bag
Saccharine Sauropod
Satanic Purple Saurian from Hades
Satan's D*ck for the World
Supreme Commander-in-Chief of Hell
Sword Bait Behemoth
Terrycloth Tyrannosaur
That Which Is Purple and Dances Badly
Three Stooges (with Baby Bop and B.J.)
Ultimate Mind Control Agent for the Forces of Evil on Today's Youth (period)
Unspeakable One
Vile (Foul Evil Horrid etc) One
Violent Violet Villain of the Vomitorium
Violet (Lord of Depravity, Theropod, Vermin)
Waste of Bandwidth
Well, Look at What We Have Here, a Violet Vile Deadly Dinosaur That Likes to Fuck Kiddies (used only ONCE by SCABTF member/second-in-command Bass)
________________________________________________________________________________
C. SONGS PARODYING BARNEY
1. Parodies of Barney's Main Theme (to the tune of This Old Man)
* = starts with "I love you, you love me" (as in Barney's theme)
% = starts with "I hate you, you hate me"
*Let's hang Barney from a tree [Clay Evans, doc...@cybernet.cse.fau.edu]
%Let's hang Barney from a tree
With a kick and a punch and a bullet to his head
Now that purple freak is dead
%Let's string Barney up a tree [20...@cwis.unomaha.edu]
%Let's hang Barney from a tree
With a knife and his back and a bomb in his head
Now that purple puke is dead [a Denver newspaper; quoted by Gary Fritz,
fr...@fc.hp.com]
%Let's go out and kill Barney
With a shotgun blast Barney's on the floor
No more Purple Dinosaur [quoted by Joseph W. Vigneau, jo...@buckaroo.wpi.edu;
attributed to a six-year-old]
*Let's set fire to Barney
With a knick knack paddywhack roast him to the bone
This purple guy burns better than Rome [Sakurambo (The Deranged Priest), Mark
Kinney, kinnema%wk...@ulkyvm.louisville.edu]
*We're an incestuous family
*Paedobestiality [Andrew Bulhak, ins...@aurora.cc.monash.edu.au]
We loathe you, you're sickly, let's all microwave B'harney [Tim Walls]
*Don'tcha want a frontal lobotomy? [Chip, pc8...@albnyvms.bitnet]
*This is not reality [George Curtis, uh...@freenet.victoria.bc.ca although Bass and Roll have sang it more than a few times]
I hate him, he hates me, he should die and set me free [Patrick Wingert,
pwin...@acs.ryerson.ca]
I tax you, you pay me
Let's create more dependency [Rush Limbaugh, quoted by The Beastmaster]
*Bh'arnee gave me HIV [quoted by OogleMire I-Doo, jj...@slate.mines.colorado.
edu, and David Reeve Sward, swa...@cmu.edu; attributed by the latter to some
three-year-old]
%Let's all go out and kill Barney
With a nine-millimeter to the head
Aren't you glad that Barney's dead [quoted by Bill Richard, w...@thelema.uucp;
attributed to the eight-year old daughter of a friend of his]
..With a fifty-millimeter armor-piercing shell
We'll send Barney straight to Hell [Roy M. Silvernail, r...@sendai.cybrspc.mn.
org]
*Send me all your money
If you don't, I won't be on your TV
You're full of crap if you think I'm free [Tommy Usher, tommy.usher@the-matrix.
com]
*We're in racial fantasy
Hopefully we'll all get along
If we all just sing this song [Andrew Varvel, var...@plains.nodak.edu]
*We're in social harmony
You and I will get along just fine
If what's yours is also mine [Andrew Varvel]
%Barney is a purple freak
You brainwash children, you make me lose sleep
Why are you on my TV? [Proto Man]
*Dinosaur philosophy
Ghosts and goblins won't hurt you at all
If you buy a Barney doll [Andrew Varvel]
I love you, you hate me
You let out all the bumblebees on me
Now I'm gonna die a quick death
And I yell "That's the way to do it best" [Joshua Lewis, am...@freenet.carleton.
ca]
I patronize you, you're dependent on me
At any time I can cut you free
Then you'll cry and beg to return
I'll just laugh and watch you burn [Eliezer Yudkowsky]
*Homosexuality
People think we're just friends
But we're really lesbians [Eric Rolfe, ero...@umcc.umcc.umich.edu, and AV (BAC)
Assistant, ava...@admin.acadiau.ca]
*Homosexuality
With a king-size bed and two condoms for you
We'll try to make babies too [Eric Rolfe]
*Barney is not right for me
Let's toss him up a very high tree
Barney is not good, no-sir-ee [Mega Man]
%We're a dysfunctional family
Shots ring out, Barney hits the floor
No more purple dinosaur [Eric Rolfe]
%We're a dysfunctional family
With a knife to his throat and a gun to his head
BANG STAB BANG! Now Barney's dead [Eric Rolfe]
This big sh*t, he'll be dead
After I fill him up with lead
With a boom aand a groan, the b*st*rd now is dead
I shot the motherf*cker in the head [Gary J. Wilson, n6...@unbsj.ca]
%Barney's the source of all stupidity
Somehow he must be slain
Then it's so long to the purple pain [Tom Servo, toms...@netcom.com]
I'm your king, submit to me
We'll worship Satan happily
Kill your mom as human sacrifice
She'll be our slave in Paradise [Mark Coen]
%Let's go out and kill Barney
We'll kick his head and shoot him in the knees
Laugh out loud and watch him bleed [dgi...@mta.ca]
*But we both despise Barney
So let's string him up and hoist him from the ground
And never will his corpse be found [Brian A. LaBounty]
%Let's all go and kill B'harne
Then a shot rang out, B'harne hit the floor
No more purple dinosaur [AV (BAC) Assistant]
I hate you, you're a freak
Get your ass off my TV
You're a great big lug, you're a useless piece of poop
I don't let my kids watch you [AV (BAC) Assistant]
I hate you, pederast
You've got my entire class
Under post-hypnotic mind-controlling spell
Give us freedom or we'll tell [AV (BAC) Assistant]
%Let's all go and kill B'harne
With a fifteen-millimeter armor-piercing shell
We'll send B'harne straight to hell [AV (BAC) Assistant]
*Let's go smoke a pound of weed
And feed the one who eats too much
Starve the young who need it most
Kill the pet that bites your hand
Beat the one that licks the pan
Kick the one that sits and weeps
Decapitate the ones with feet [H. McDaniel, mcda...@stein3.u.washington.edu]
%Let's hang Barney from a tree
Before he has the chance to warp another child
Lynch the Purple Pedophile [Mystic Mongoose]
I spank you, you tie me
We like bestiality
With a whip and a chain and a lash from me to you
Won't you say you'll beat me too [Romeo.Juliet.Mike, mor...@ucsu.colorado.edu]
%Let's hang Barney from a tree
And the blood will spill all over the floor
This dinosaur will sing no more [Cmdr. Adama]
He doesn't care about you, he couldn't give a damn about me
He just wants you to spend money
Go out to the store and plop your funds down
Till his pockets are rich and imitations abound [Serberus]
*Let's have a family
With a great big dick stuck inside of me
Then I'll carry on the family tree [Fixxer, Brian T. Fix, ce934@cleveland.
freenet.edu]
*Space is where we sent Barney
With a muffled "pop" he turned into
One big mass of purple goo [Qi Xu, xu5...@acad.csv.kutztown.edu]
%Let's all team up and kill Barney
Blow out his brains with an AK-47
Hopefully he won't go to Heaven [Bass, jx...@santacruz.freenet.edu]
________________________________________________________________________________
2. Parodies of Other Songs
("an old school song"; sounds to me like Deck the Halls)
Fill Barney with gasoline!
Na na na na na, na na na na <sing after each line>
Light a match and watch it gleam
Now Barney is purple ashes
Aren't you glad you played with matches? [Eliezer Yudkowsky]
(Queen's "Radio Ga-Ga")
All we hear is B'Harnee gaga, B'Harnee googoo [J-Rock]
(On Top of Old Smokey)
On top of a small hill, all covered with mud
I shot Barney's head off and blew out his blood
I shot him with pleasure, I shot him with pride
I shot Barney's head off, I watched as he died
I went to his funeral to see Barney dead
He was much less ugly without any head
I saw a Sponge Minion crying by Barney's grave
I took a machine gun and shot Barney's slave [Eliezer Yudkowsky]
(Battle Hymn of the Republic)
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the truth
It is trampling down upon the head of the Perverter of Our Youth
It has called for the death of the Demon of the Evil Zoo
The truth keeps marching on
Glory, glory, hallelujah
Barney made me a healthy snack
I met him at the studio with a bow and arrow
And sent him to hell and back! [Originally High Prophet, then Bass]
(Denis Leary's "I'm an Asshole")
I'm an average Joe with an average job
I'm quite well-knowledged, thus I'm not a slob
But something is pissing me off to the bone
It makes me so pissed I donn't wanna go home
It's the Asshole, it's the Asshole
He says he loves me, but I fuckin' hate him
I wanna take C4 and make his purple light dim
It's the Asshole, it's the Asshole
It's the world's biggest Asshole
A-SS-HO-LE, B-HA-RN-EE
It's the Asshole, it's the Asshole [Lord Tilden Owsen]
(London Bridge Is Falling Down)
Barney is a pedophile, pedophile, pedophile
Barney is a pedophile, my dear children
If you see him, get a gun, <etc>
Pull the trigger, shoot him dead, <etc> [Solar Warrior]
(Bill Strauss and Eliana Newport's "Anti-Barney Song")
It's I hate you and you hate me, this creature is driving me up a tree
It's time to go kill Barney and end his stupid song
I'll rub him out without a trace, I'm pumping hot lead in his purple face
But hurry quick, 'cause Barney is singing another song
They say TV's too violent, I've heard that once or twice
But when it comes to BAR-NEY, some violence would be nice
Let's make some haste, no time to waste, it's time that my two-year-old got some
taste
And started watching Hamlet or reading Ethan Fromm <Barney: EEEE-YOWWWW!>
I'm burying the hatchet in Barney's disgusting foam!
[Another version of this, which starts "It's I love you and you love me, this
creature is driving me up a tree/It's time to go kill Barney and blow up his
dorky home," has been played on Dr. Demento for several weeks. If you have the
lyrics to it, e-mail them to me.]
(Ghost Riders in the Sky)
A paleo went walkin' out one dark and windy day
Along a ridge he rested as he went along his way
When all at once a herd of red-eyed 'saurs he saw
Plowin' through the ragged sky and up the cloudy draw
[chorus] I love you, you love me, ghost 'raptors in the sky
Their hides will still on fire and their teeth were made of steel
Their claws were black and shiny and their hot breath you could feel
A bolt of dewy coolness thundered through the sky
He saw the riders comin' hard and heard their mournful cry [chorus]
As the riders loped on by him he heard one call his name
"If you want to save your soul from hell, a-ridin' on our range
Then paleo change your ways or with us you will ride,
Tryin' to catch the Barney's herd across this endless sky" [chorus] [Solar
Warrior]
(Mister Ed)
B*rn*y's a dork, of course, of course
He looks like the back of a horse, of course
He has our kids worshipping him
I wish that he'd drop dead
Dances and sings all day
Speaks to GerryBot in bed
I bet he talks like a child because
He was dropped on his head
B'harne's a nerd, you heard, you heard
He has the IQ of a hummingbird
You've never heard of a purple dinosaur?
Well, listen to this! "I love you, you love me--" BLAM!
Now that dino's dead! [J-Rock]
("Gerry, a Rock Opera" by Peter of Townsend)
It's a BOT, Mrs. Walker, it's a bot
It's a BOT, Mrs. Walker, it's a boooot
A SPONGE...A SPONGE...A SPONGE...
So you think 93 is gonna be a good year
Especially with me and you together
So you think 93 is gonna be a good year
Could be good for me and her but you and her, no never
I have no reason to be over-optimistic
But somehow, when IT sings, I can brave bad weather
What about the BOT? What about the BOT?
What about the BOT, he's watched it all?
You didn't hear it, you didn't see it, you never heard it, not a word of it!
You won't say nuthin to no one, always the TV cuz you know it's the truth!
Ever since I was a young bot, I watched the purple doll
From Canada down to Dallas, I must have seen em all
But I ain't seen nothin like him in any shopping mall
That big purple dino sure has all the kids brainwashed
He seems to be completely unreceptive
The tests we gave him show no sense at all
His eyes react to light, the dials detect it!
He hears but cannot answer to your call
Go from the TV, bot! Go from the TV, bot!
We often wonder what he is feeling, has he ever heard a word we said
Look at him at the TV dreaming what is happening in his head
See me, buy me, touch me, evil me
Gerry, can you hear us? Can you feel us near you?
Gerry, can you see us? Can we help to cure you?
Oooo Gerry, Gerry Gerry
Gerry...Gerry...Gerry...Gerry....
I'm your wicked dino Barney and I welcome you to Barney and Friends!
The show with a difference, never mind the Jihad
Cuz when you cum with Barney it's sex, that's all we're thinking of...
Listening to IT I get the brainwash
Gazing at IT I get erect
Following IT I fuck the kiddies
I get excited, what do you expect [Duke Daffyd, David M. Edsall, eds...@cern.ch
or eds...@iastate.edu]
(?)
Come sit down by the fireside and hear a chilling tale
Of children, their minds denied, that Barney could prevail
<chorus>
Don't do what you're told, children must be bold
Break the limits set on your mind, open your eyes where before you were blind
WHY NOT? Listen, not obey. WHY NOT? See the Bright Day!
WHY NOT? Spark of mind so free WHY NOT? lives in you and me
An evil love, a healthy snack, brains that turned to sponge
Jihad! The wise ones who fought back to reclaim minds of sponge
A Purple being that laughed and sang, and children sang beside him
PBS heard as cold cash rang, and turned their backs to NIMH
<Nat'l Institute of Mental Health>
A radio to each TV that crept to every home
Taking children over three and turned their minds to foam
A Purple being lying on the ground, blood pooling about its head
From the world came joyful sound: "BARNEY IS DEAD!" [Eliezer Yudkowsky]
(?)
"Hey GerryBot, what fun should we have today?"
"Oh, I don't know, we'll have fun as always!"
C'mon, let's lynch Barney
What is he doing to our children?
C'mon, let's kill Barney
We need to give him a beating
Barney likes to speak to GerryBot in bed
Turns harmless children into sponge and fucks with their heads
This show is full of miracles and fantasy and fictional role models
So let's murder Barney, get ready, aim your shotgun
C'mon, let's lynch Barney
What is he doing to our children?
C'mon, let's kill Barney
We need to give him a beating
One day, PBS will realize their mistake and cancel this show
And that'll be the day when everyone will celebrate the loss of the worst program they'll ever know! [Roll]
("Better Off Alone" by Alice Deejay)
Do you think I want you on TV?
Do you think I want you on TV?
Do you think I want you on TV?
Do you think I want you on TV?
Talk to me, ooh, talk to me
Say your prayers and hopefully die for me [Proto Man]
(Joy to the World)
Joy to the world, Barney's dead.
We barbecued his head!
And what about his body?
We sent it to the lottery.
And watch him, watch him die!
Watch his guts fly!
And watch him, watch him, watch him die! [Mega Man]
[The Alphabet Song]
ABC DEFG
Barney is my enemy
Take a shotgun, shoot him down
Throw his dead corpse on the ground
Now I cannot sing anymore
I threw Barney out the door [Bass]
(?)
I pledge of allegiance to the flag
Barney the Dinosaur is a fag
He likes to rape kiddies in bed
What is going on in his head? [A few members of Children of the Light in B'harne's Eyes]
Sakurambo said at one point that he was compiling a comprehensive list of these.
________________________________________________________________________________
D. STORIES PARODYING BARNEY
Necktie Junction, bu...@mac.cc.maacalstr.edu:
Day of the Barney. Barney convinces the children of the world to kill all
adults in the Great Act of Love.
Day of the Barney II: Aftermath. Years later, a boy and his sister at the
verge of adulthood battle Barney and his minions.
Day of the Barney III: Spectre. Twenty years after Barney's death, he returns
from the grave and tries to destroy civilization again.
[This trilogy has been reposted by Ben Cantrick (cant...@ucsu.colorado.edu),
Joel Berger (jbe...@nyx.cs.du.edu), and possibly others. I can also send you
DotB 1 and 2 upon request.]
Son of Barney. Genetic engineers attempt to recreate Barney.
Solar Warrior:
The Rescue of Julie. The Jihad, the Solar Ishtari and the Knights of the Raptor
unite to retrieve Julie the Mahdi from the clutches of their enemy.
Eliezer Yudkowsky:
Barney vs. the Federation. The USS Leviathan is threatened with sponge-brain
infection from the Purple Cluster.
The Transfer People. The struggle between the Jihad et al. and the Sponge
Minions, mutated almost beyond recognition in the far future. [one chapter
completed]
Brunswick Strike. A holotape of Gary Wilson's observations during the Jihad
attack on U of New Brunswick, St. John.
According to Commander Adama (John P.LaRocque, ad...@uwo.ca or lar...@gaul.csd.
uwo.ca), #2 of the comic book Sachs and Violens includes a story by Peter A.
David (peter_...@cup.portal.com) involving a purple dinosaur who kidnaps
kids.
H. McDaniel:
The "B" Files. A secret government agency attempts to put an end to Barney
before his creators use him to promote a political or social agenda.
Purple Empire. Rebels against Barney fight amongst themselves in a world of
violence. [four chapters completed, #3 missing]
David Greenbaum:
The Talons of Honor. TRES versus the "mad faith." [one chapter completed]
St. Julie:
Gerald the B'harnee Slayer. A fictional portrayal of Gerry, quite different
from his usual persona.
Mega Man:
B'harnee the Dinosaur Kills Some Kids. A fictional portrayal of what goes on during Barney's show.
Roll:
Barney Dies. Exactly what the title reads.
Proto Man:
B*rn*y and Sponge Minions. A retelling of the _Barney & Friends_ episode "Alphabet Soup!", featuring "Hell Incarnate" and his legion of Sponge Minions as they make a deadly broth in Hell's Kitchen.
Bass:
Children of the Light in B'harne's Eyes. A fictional recount of how Bass and his teammates joined the titular group, and SCABTF, back in late 1993.
Barney Encounter. A version of the Alien Encounter preshow, inspired by a visit to Disney World SCABTF had earlier this year. In it, Skippy is replaced with Barney. Hilarity ensues.
She Made Me a Healthy Snack. The Jihad and TRES are sent on a suicide mission - to eliminate all healthy snack sources from GerryBot's house, and to destroy GerryBot himself.
________________________________________________________________________________
E. MISCELLANEOUS BARNEY TRIVIA
The character of Barney was created by Sheryl Leach and is played by David
Joyner. Leach recently appeared at National Public Radio's National Press Club
luncheon, broadcast on NPR and C-SPAN, to speak and answer questions. [Ben
Ostrowsky, b...@math.ufl.edu]
Some Barney tote bags were recalled because some of the ink and paint had too
high a lead content. [Wild Boar, sbl...@zeus.tamu.edu] An unnamed consumer
group wants Barney sleeping bags taken off the market because they're flammable.
[Robert J. Goniea, rjgo...@mtu.edu] A TV show on toy safety featured a Barney
plush doll which, when set on fire, couldn't be put out. [Julian Roberts]
"The MAD Nasty Fille vol. VII" in the January 1994 issue of _MAD_ has this to
say about "B&F": "Dresses its star in a costume he can also wear to seek work
as a team mascot when the show is mercifully cancelled. Teaches little kids
that it's perfectly safe to nuzzle up to huge, carnivorous animals with sharp
teeth. Appeals primarily to children from 4-to-6 with IQs of 2-to-4." [David
Neilson, ls...@unb.ca]
For a donation to Charlotte, NC's Paw Creek Ministries, the Rev. Joseph R.
Chambers will send you a pamphlet called "Barney the Purple Messiah" (formerly
"Barney the New Age Demon"). Chambers denounces Barney as politically correct,
liberal, accepting of homosexuals and lesbians, and full of miracles and fantasy
and fictional role models. [Scott Shepard, Cox News Service]
The war supposedly hits IRC with #barney, an anti-Barney channel. As of 4 Nov
93, neither this channel nor ScronkBot (its maintenance bot) existed. [Patrick
Hassett Caudill, phca...@midway.ecn.uoknor.edu] A channel called #bjarne has
popped up a couple times, but no definite connection between it and Barney has
been made.
Four Galveston boys, aged 10 to 15, attacked a guy dressed in a costume
resembling Barney (but reportedly not an actual Barney costume) on 14 Sep 93,
with intent to remove the head. Their identities were not revealed [Mahatma
Kane Jeeves, bdmc...@cc.wdi.disney.com]; the oldest boy was sent to juvenile
detention, the others to a "kids who need special attention" program. [Evan M.
Corcoran, e...@m-net.ann-arbor.mi.us]
Mega Man and Bass are going to appear on _Barney & Friends_ soon to promote the _Mega Man 7_ video game. Wish them luck. [Mega Man and Bass]
The Grey Prince (posting from an2...@anon.penet.fi) has been quoted by ivanoff@
gateway.atd.cra.com.au as equating Barney with Cthulhu, because of Cthulhu's
ability to take any form he chooses and Barney's sudden appearance and emphasis
on imagination.
The Jerry Springer Show featured Barney's cigarette-smoking evil brother
Blarney. [Scott L. Hudson]
Page 126 of the December issue of _Wired_ mentions the Jihad in its monthly Net
Surf article. [Kevin Martinez, l...@rahul.net]
Barney once asked the kids on his show to vote on what "fun thing" they wanted
to "pretend," and only gave them one choice. [Kressja]
Barney received 38 write-in votes in a poll of 800 at an Ottawa high school (the
post wasn't clear whether students of the HS were surveyed, or whether they just
did the poll at that location). Canada's third-largest (before the election)
political party, the NDP, didn't get that many votes. [Oscar Strawczynski,
ai...@freenet.carleton.ca]
The national college magazine _U._ reported that 1050 (81%) of 1294 students
surveyed disliked Barney.
Kana Anaberal says she does not like Barney. [Proto Man]
Suggested methods of deprogramming Sponge Minions:
GNR 54-40 Ministry Jethro Tull Doktors for "Bob"
NIN anime Aerosmith Road Runner Social Distortion
REM blues Pearl Jam Kim Mitchell Perot campaign tapes
Yes KMFDM Animaniacs Skinny Puppy pre-1985 Sonic Youth
LARD Helmet Kim Gordon Screaming Trees Mega Man They Might Be Giants
Rush Nirvana Pink Floyd Revolting Cocks Tom Cochrane/Red Rider
Einstuerzende Neubauten
Scraping Foetus Off the Wheel
My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult
and, of course, unhealthy snacks. [Lots of anti-Barney group members]
"Barney's not a dinosaur! He's a big, sappy doofus who sings to little kids!"
-Jason Fox to his mother in the comic strip _Fox Trot_ [Der Aggie C++ Hack,
mbr...@tamsun.tamu.edu]
The High Prophet and two other members of the Texas A&M Jihad recently created a
program which crashes everything that tries to run it. All tested PCs either
rebooted, locked up beyond the power of rebooting, or had CMOS overwritten. It
has been suggested that GerryBot be infected with this powerful virus.
_Rolling Stone_ #669 gave "Barney's Favorites" only one star out of a possible
five, discussing the insipid lyrics and unoriginal melody. [Julian Roberts, who
thinks they overrated it, and Bass, who brought the magazine for Children of the Light and B'harne's Eyes to read]
John Stewart of MTV gave dolls of Barney and Beavis & Butthead to a dog, who
promptly chewed up the Barney doll. [Fixxer]
Davis-Forbes House of the U of Oklahoma has recently announced the Kill B@rney
World Tour. [Eric Bell, eb...@essex.ecn.uoknor.edu]
According to Jeffery Beaulieu (911...@dragon.acadiau.caa), the ubiquituous
wuarchive.wustl.edu FTP site has a .voc file in /ms_dos_uploads (or something
similar) of Barney Meets Castle Wolfenstein 3D. Iain P. Grier (ipgrier@steam.
uwaterloo.edu) reports a rumor that there exists a copy of CW3D with Barney
replacing the SS. I don't know of any FTP sites specifically devoted to Barney-
related stuff.
Why do many people refer to Barney as B'harnee, B*rn*y, etc? One person claims
that saying his true name risks summoning him; others probably just consider his
name a dirty word and treat it accordingly.
The Jaycees of Colonial Heights, VA, received a complaint from Natalie Simonson
because their Halloween attraction included Barney on a noose, along with an
executioner singing "I hate you, you hate me, let's get together and hang
Barney". President Todd Resnick says that they warned parents about it
beforehand and that they received no other complaints from the estimated 1,600
attendees. [Ken Majewski, maje...@wmavm7.vnet.ibm.com]
Vanderbilt celebrated Barney Bashing Day on November 10, featuring Barney being
burned in effigy. Others are encouraged to do similar things, perhaps making it
a North American "Guy Fawkes Day", whoever is. [Kressja] U of Nebraska-
Lincoln senior Travis Fox also organized a Barney Bashing Day on this date,
featuring Big Bird and a variety of Barney merchandise to smash up; only two
mothers briefly protested the event. [John M. Scheibeler, upl...@cwis.unomaha.
edu, quoting the _Omaha World-Herald_] Jack Skellington reports a Barney
Bashing in Chicago put on by children.
America Online has anti-Barney Mac Hypercard stacks available for download.
[Paul Corr-something, co...@hal.hahnemann.edu]
According to Entertainment Tonight, a Barney movie is planned for release some
time this year. [GerryBot]
Ask icom...@access.digex.net about Barney Must Die! T-shirts.
Hawaii psychologist Alan Kimbell denounced Barney's personality as fragile,
sheltered, unable to cope with peer pressure or criticism, and never punished
for wrongdoing, and predicted that a child with such a personality would be
involved with either drugs, alcohol or delinquency by adolesence [Julian
Roberts]. Yale psychologist Jerome L. Singer, on the other hand, led a team of
researchers to determine the number of "pro-social" moments in thirty episodes
of "B&F."
Trevor Boicey (ae...@freenet.carleton.ca) reports that a comic strip in the
Ottawa _Fulcrum_ featured Barney being blown up by dynamite shortly before 28
Nov 93.
Barney's politics have been variously labeled as socialist [The Combat Wombat,
Mike Roth, al...@freenet.carleton.ca], Orwellian-fascist [also TCW] and
capitalistic [Jennefer the Valiant].
The Utah Jazz's Delta Center flashed pictures of Barney on their scoreboard to
indicate foul shots during their game against the Nets on 27 Nov 93. [Mike
Jones, mik...@delphi.com]
Extract the Roman numerals from CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR, add them up and get 666.
[John C. Newmark, jcne...@artsci.wustl.edu]
The RushClone has posted a joke FORTRAN program to destroy Barney, and a
crosspost from rec.humor of the Barney Bill (gun ownership requires a written
statement that you will only shoot purple dinosaurs and targets resembling
them).
Legion (Steve Pordon, spo...@nyx10.cs.du.edu) has posted a joke Pascal program
to overwrite GerryBot.
N. Gellner (bj...@musicb.mcgill.ca) quotes an article from the February 1990
_Economist_ on a disease called bovine spongiform encephalopathy, attributing it
to the brain-sponging drug Purple Luv.
It has been suggested that Skippy in the Disney's Alien Encounter pre-show be replaced with Barney, so the Jihad can watch S.I.R. suspend Barney indefinitely. [Bass]
To blow up GerryBot, you must steal his healthy snacks. [Eliezer Yudkowsky]
Drugs were once thought to kill Barney, but apparently makes him stronger. [Mega Man]
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