World Domination Poker Tour

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David Green

Sep 13, 2012, 10:41:50 AM9/13/12

[The scene opens in the lab. Pinky is sitting cross-legged in
front of a Bunsen burner, entranced by the colourful flame,
which of course gently flickers]
BRAIN: [Walking up behind Pinky, his hands clasped behind his back]
Behold the wonder of fire, Pinky!
PINKY: [Not averting his gaze] Oh, hi, Brain. I'm just watching my new
favourite program, zort!
BRAIN: [Ignoring him] ... Man has always been fascinated by the hypnotic
allure of pure light, dancing colour -- the power -- the mystery
[as he walks around, behind the burner, we see his face through
the flame, flickering spooky and orange] -- a fascination I shall
exploit to take over the world!
PINKY: Ooh, Brain, I've got it! We'll set Man's pants on fire, and while
he's running around looking for a water trough to dive in, we can
make our move!
BRAIN: [Sarcastically] Yes, Pinky -- we'll point and shout, "Liar, liar!"
PINKY: [Stops short in his demonstrative running around as though with
trousers alight] Egad, Brain! You *were* pondering what I was
pondering! [Brain bops him] NARF
BRAIN: Tonight's plan makes use not of the destructive side of fire, but
of its beauty. I have choreographed a program for the greatest
display of fireworks in history! Municipalities have long known
the power of an impressive fireworks show in garnering goodwill
and support. I shall amass a truly gargantuan collection of
fireworks in order to launch a show that will be visible in the
night sky across the entire civilised world!
PINKY: [Eerily] And we can use chemicals in the fireworks to make
everyone blind and then terrorise them with killer plants!
BRAIN: That's a horrible way to conquer the world!
PINKY: Conquer? Ooh, I thought this was for the scary novel you're
working on.
BRAIN: You're the one who's always going on about your new novels,
Pinky. (And trust me, if you could write in complete sentences,
that would be something novel.) And besides, it would make a
horrible novel too. Killer plants! You could just walk away from
PINKY: Hm. Good point, Brain, that's quite a plot hole. Oh, wait, no --
what if the plants could move around and see you and eat you?
BRAIN: Then that would make them *animals*, Pinky.
PINKY: Oh, right. Well, then, I hope you have a backup plan!
BRAIN: [Shaking his head in pity] Nobody will be able to resist such a
spectacular performance. Once the world's citizens are swooning
at my world-wide light show, I shall acquire power by running for
mayor of every city in the world!
Now, all I need is enough money to purchase 100 million pounds of
PINKY: I've got it, Brain -- when I finish my novel, instead of selling
it, we can trade it to people for all their fireworks!
BRAIN: The odds of anyone wanting to buy your book are as negligible as
the odds of your ever getting it written.
Hm, odds... Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
PINKY: I think so, Brain, but if everyone in town rushed to get to the
same concert, wouldn't London Bridge come falling down?
BRAIN: Why would I expect you to have a handle on the situation?
The fastest way to accumulate such a large amount of cash is to
win a high-stakes poker game! I shall call upon my skills in
probability theory --
[cut to Pinky staggering back and forth as he grips his own neck
in a headlock]
[sourly] ...and my years of experience in maintaining my composure
in the face of discouragement.

[Cut to flashy scene of computer-generated cards flying about the
screen over computer-generated sequences of Las Vegas landmarks]

MIKE: I'm Mike Sextant,
VINCE: and I'm Vince von Pattern!
MIKE: And this is the Global Poker Tournament, coming to you live from
the 20th Century Foxwoods Casino in fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada!
VINCE: That's right, Mike, where else but this modern-day Babylon, only
seedier, could you find millions of dollars on the line for
frivolous diversions?
MIKE: Well, any government will give you that, Vince, but what they
won't give you is the excitement we've got here tonight. Six of
the world's greatest poker players are about to battle it out for
global domination in the world of Texas Fold'em, including two
amazing newcomers: Doyle Brainson, whose unshakeable poker face
and lightning-fast calculations have earned him the nickname "the
Human Computer"--
VINCE: Ha-ha! Sometimes I could swear he isn't human at all!
MIKE: ... and Pinky Pearson, who's given us some of the most exciting
rounds in this tournament, with his off-the-wall totally erratic
style of playing.
VINCE: This guy plays like a maniac, but somehow his luck always comes
MIKE: Well, that's for sure, Vince, every move he makes goes against
the book (which I incidentally wrote) and yet he's made it all
the way to the final table.

[Cut to the poker table. The Brain gazes impassively at the other
ESVENGALI, and Pinky, who underneath his cowboy hat has a hood
pulled tight and large sunglasses as well as a bandana covering
his face.]
MIKE: Well, we're off to a fine start as Chris Moneywinner gets dealt
two aces in the very first hand!
VINCE: Not surprisingly, he's gonna bet with a double-barrelled hand
like that.
MIKE: Well, Phil Helmet sits this one out, with only a deuce-four, junk
hands for Phil, Patty, and Antonio as well. Brainson gets
jack-king, the box... but he folds.
VINCE: Pinky Pearson also gets a two and a four, a Kiefer Sutherland...
and he's raising!
MIKE: He's trying to bluff his way through -- Chris calls, here comes
the flop -- ace, tres, and nine, all diamonds, Moneywinner has
three aces and Pinky has nothing.
PINKY: All in!
MIKE: Unbelievable! Chris is wondering whether Pinky could have started
with two diamonds, giving him a flush... and he folds!
VINCE: A classic Pinky bluff with a junk hand!
PINKY: Ha-ha! Narf! Blackjack!!!
MIKE: Well, he might pretend he doesn't know what game he's playing,
but that was a masterful bluff by Pearson.
VINCE: All right, Phil Helmet gets ace-jack, the aquamaniac, and with
the short stack he doesn't hesitate to go all in.
MIKE: And Doyle Brainson has the tart hand, Queen and Jack of hearts,
and he calls! Everyone else gets out of the way, and it's a lady
and red balloons on the flop, that gives Brainson the lead with a
pair of queens and nines�
VINCE: The turn is the six of clubs, no help to him...
MIKE: Well, Helmet will be hoping for an old man on the river, but up
comes a four, Doyle Brainson has pushed Helmet out of the game!
VINCE: The "bad boy" of poker does not look pleased, he blew his short
stack and now he's blowing his fuse!
MIKE: Well, that's the way it goes in poker, Vince, you never know
which way your luck is going to turn on the turn.
Now Esvengali gets British looseleaf, ace-four, Patty Duke in the
big blind with the dog hand, king-nine, and Pinky with nine-ten,
the big fat hen.
VINCE: The others mucking their hands, so it's three-way action on the
MIKE: And it's Warner Brothers on the flop!
VINCE: and their sister Dot, king-jack-queen, that gives Patty Duke two
of a kind!
MIKE: Well, most guys would consider a pair of kings a great hand, but
she doesn't know that Pinky Pearson just flopped a king-high
VINCE: It's a five of spades on the turn... Antonio and Patty check,
they're trying to set mousetraps for Pinky... but he slow-plays it
too, gingham all around.
MIKE: Well, it's another five on the river, that's no help to anyone,
so Pinky makes his move and goes all-in!
VINCE: Antonio, the "magic boy" of poker, does a disappearing act... but
the Duke calls with the short stack! Oh, no, I hardly dare look!
This is an Amtrak collision right before our eyes!
MIKE: Well, with Pinky's record of bluffing, she was counting on having
the top pair, but he flopped Slappy's pantry and another player
is out!
VINCE: That's all she wrote for the "girl boy" of poker. The guillotine
has fallen on the Duke and cut the head off her hopes of winning
this tournament!
MIKE: Well, back to the felt and the action's on Doyle Brainson, with
ol' piano keys, a pair of eights, he raises. But then Chris
Moneywinner smooth-calls with a pair of queens.
VINCE: He's laying twigs over the pit and rolling out the carpet... Here
comes the flop... tres of clubs, four of spades and six of
MIKE: Well, no help for Brainson there, he's pondering whether Chris
has a hand... he raises... and Moneywinner is going all-in!
VINCE: The Computer calls it! He thinks Moneywinner is bluffing! We
could be witnessing a demolition derby right here! Look at
Brainson's face, he's absolutely sick as an entire hospital with
radiation poisoning!
[Brain's face remains completely impassive]
MIKE: Now the turn... what a twist!
VINCE: He's got an eight... but eight is enough! The Computer is out in
MIKE: Well, Chris needs a queen to stay alive... and it's a six on the
VINCE: This is a disaster for Chris Moneywinner, he's going to have to
change his name to Moneyloser after this.
MIKE: Well, we're down to three players now. Pinky Pearson calls with a
suited connector, deuce-tres skidoo, Antonio Esvengali calls in
the small blind with ace-six, and Doyle Brainson checks with a
VINCE: Look at that, Pinky flops a flush! I'm telling you, this guy has
the luck of a rabbit wearing horseshoes on all four feet buried
in a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow!
MIKE: Well, Antonio flopped top pair with an ace kicker, he raises a
cautious amount... Brainson folds, and Pearson calls.
VINCE: A four comes up on the turn...
MIKE: Esvengali has to figure out whether he really has the better
hand... he's trying to get a read on Pearson... [Esvengali stares
intently with swirly hypnotic eyes at Pinky]
PINKY: [with a poker chip covering each eye] Bl-pbl-bpl-pbl-bpl-pbl-bp!
ESVENGALI: [starting to shake nervously] I've stared into the abyss...
and nothing stared back!!
MIKE: Well, it looks like Pinky Pearson sure rattled the Magician. He
makes the wrong call here and goes all-in! He's drawing dead,
it's gonna cost Antonio his place at the table.
VINCE: Pinky took him out on that hand. He's all washed up, like the
proverbial pussycat dropped down the, er, what do you call one of
those holes you dig to pump water out of?
MIKE: Well, Vince. We're down to Doyle "the Computer" Brainson vs.
Pinky "Madman" Pearson in this heads-up final of the Global Poker
BRAIN: [to Pinky] YeS! Victory is ours! Thanks to my genius and your
crazy luck, we have beaten all our opponents. No matter which of
us wins, we will have enough money after turning in our chips to
complete the plan!
PINKY: Turn in my chips?! But they're mine! I won them fair and square!!!
BRAIN: Gnyrrrrh!!!
VINCE: Unbelievable poker today, folks. The Computer gets dealt the
Commodore, six-four suited, and Pinky Pearson gets a pair of
aces! This could spell big trouble for Brainson!
MIKE: Well, Brainson is one tough cookie, but he's gonna need terrific
poker instincts to stay alive. Here comes the flop... and it's
ace-tres-five! Pinky has flopped trips! The only way Brainson
could beat him is to get either a flush or a straight.
VINCE: You can almost see the gears turning in Brainson's head as he
calculates the odds. He raises, hoping to making Pinky think he's
got an ace.
MIKE: Well, Vince, he doesn't know that Pinky already has pocket
rockets. Pearson calls, the turn card is... another ace! Fantastic,
all the aces have been dealt, but Brainson has 3-4-5-6 of hearts,
he still has an out if he can get the deuce or seven of hearts.
VINCE: The Computer could be about to blow a fuse and crash like the
stock market being dropped into a black hole! Pinky is taking his
time... toying with his chips...
MIKE: He's making a bet -- those are raisin' chips! [PINKY: "Mmmmm!"] If
he wins this hand, he'll double up, if not he'll be out in second
PINKY: [shoving all his chips forward] I'm ready to guess... Professor
Kitzel in the ballroom with the remote control!
MIKE: All-in! He's going all-in!! And Brainson calls, this is it,
VINCE: I can hardly bear to watch! The river card... it's the seven of
MIKE: Amazing, Vince, Doyle Brainson pulls off a straight flush at the
last moment and wins the Global Poker Tournament final table for
2012! What a day we've had!
VINCE: Pinky Pearson's luck finally ran out, like a Macy's Thanksgiving-Day
Parade balloon that got attacked by angry birds and deflated onto
the street only to get pulverised by a blitzkrieg tank attack.
MIKE: Well, like I always say, Vince, poker is a game of chance but you
still need skill to come out ahead.
VINCE: So true. And besides, this might just be the lucky outcome for
Pinky compared to what Brainson might have done to him if he
lost! [They both laugh]
MIKE: Well, Brainson is a perfect gentleman, he never lost his
composure or his quiet, polite attitude throughout the whole
competition. I'm sure he'll go far.
VINCE: We haven't seen the last of him... in fact, let's get a word from
our new champion down on the floor.
HELLO NURSE [or one of her clones]: Any plans for the winnings?
BRAIN: I plan to spend the money as part of an elaborate scheme to
conquer the globe.
VINCE: ...and he said that with a perfect poker face!
MIKE: Ha-ha, well, Vince, I guess to get that good you have to practise
all the time!

[Later, back at the lab...]

PINKY: Zort! Brain, now that we have all this money we can finally... uh...
BRAIN: Take over the world.
PINKY: Oh, right. Actually... I more had in mind playing Monopoly with
real houses!
BRAIN: Do you have a real house, Pinky?
PINKY: Umm, not exactly. Ooh, but Brain! We could get all the houses we
wanted if you took over the world! ...Now, what's a good plan for
taking over the world... hmm... have you got any ideas, Brain?
BRAIN: Why don't you go do something else and leave me alone?
PINKY: Egad, Brain, brilliant! Oh, wait, no -- I'm not very good at that,
am I? I mean, no matter how many times you tell me to zip my lip
and let--
BRAIN: PINKY. [He folds his arms sternly]
PINKY: Oops, going, Brain! [He starts to leave, then darts back to grab
some random items off the lab bench to play with... a gyroscope, a
multimeter, his Bunsen burner...]
BRAIN: No, wait! The fireworks! They're all in--
< < < W H O O S H > > >
They WERE all in the back room. Sigh.

[Stars and Stripes Forever, as millions of pounds of fireworks
all go off at once]

[A heavily singed Pinky staggers back into the room.]
PINKY: >narf<... that must be what popcorn feels like when you pop it!
[He stumbles about with his arms outstretched] Brain -- Brain! I
can't see! AUUUUGH! It's got me, the killer plant! Braaaaaiiiiinnnn!
BRAIN: Calm down, Pinky. That's only the carpet.
PINKY: Oh. Well. I never knew blindness would affect my vision so much!
BRAIN: I myself am seeing stars before my eyes, as well as the
occasional Catherine's Wheel. But never fear, Pinky, our sight
will have recovered by tomorrow night.
PINKY: Why, Brain, what are we going to do tomorrow night?
BRAIN: The same thing we do every night, Pinky! Try to Take Over the

They're blinky,
They're Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain!

-David "poker, Dot?" Green
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