Toony Monday
David Green
*Monday!* And to celebrate this once-in-a-year event, we proudly present
the greatest episode of Animaniacs that never was! Here, for your viewing
pleasure -- unless you're getting someone to read this to you, in which
case it's for their viewing pleasure, so there! -- is "Episode 406-780-403".
Wow! I know!! You're on the edge of your seat!!! Straighten up before
you fall on the floor and smack your jaw on the keyboard tray. Really,
didn't your mother warn you about such poor posture? Well, except if
you're an orphan, then probably not, in which one would think you'd be
even more careful about such things, I mean haven't you had enough
heartache already?!?
[Fanfare] Da-da da-da-da-dah! Da-da da-da-da-dah! Duh-dah!!!
YAKKO: And now, a Very Special Episode of Animaniacs.
DOT: And what's so special about it?
WAKKO: I'm not wearing any spats!
YAKKO: ... @hh, actually, that's not very special at all.
DOT: You never wear spats.
WAKKO: I did in that animated film noir! You know, "The Maltese Milkball"?
SLAPPY: [Sticking her head in the frame] You remind me of a very poor
Scrooge McDuck.
...except for being spatuless. [Pulls her head out of frame]
Y,W,D: [Shrug to the camera]
THEME SONG
----------
It's time for Animaniacs!
And we're zany to the max!
So just sit back in the flax-
En waves of amber hackysacks!
We're Animani-
Totally pastrami,
Animani-acs!
(Those aren't quite facts.)
DEZANITIZED
-----------
DR. S.: I suppose it would be wise to start at the very beginning, ja?
SHRINK: Proceed.
[Wipe to title card]
HEY, WHEN WE SAID THIS EPISODE HAD NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE,
WE JUST MEANT IN THIS UNIVERSE.
[Continue wiping to Dr. Scratchansniff's office in days gone by.
Gone by, and kinda off to the side a bit, over in that parallel
dimension.]
DR. S.: Ah....I was one of the most successful dental surgeons in all of
Hollywood.
Fifty years ago, I started work at Warner Bros. Ah -- Warner Bros.!
Home to some of the biggest stars in Hollywood.
RALPH: Dah, good morning, Mr. Biggest Star in Hollywood!
CAGNEY: Top o'the day... [muttering] you dirty rat.
RALPH: Aaah, morning, Porky!
PORKY: G-g-g-goo-g-g-m-m-mo-m-m-mo-m--- B-B-Bo-B-- G-G-Gut-tt-t-- ah, yo!
DR. S.: And when the stars had a toothache, they came to me.
I'm sorry, Mr. Leach, but I'm afraid with that missing front
tooth, you'll never be a leading man.
CARY G: Scratchie, Scratchie, Scratchie! Leave it up to me, my good man!
DR. S.: For years, the biggest actors brought me their cavities. Their
abcesses! Their pain! Whoo! It was so much fun! Hee-hee!
And then, just recently, I had just completed a delightfully
intense session with Dennis Hopper, when ... IT happened!
[Dr. Scratchansniff is bandaging his hand]
GUY: [Amid other shouting bystanders] Whadya suppose is going on up there?
{Animaniacs theme}
WAKKI: Did you miss us?
DR. S.: I hardly even know you!
YAKKI: I'm Yakki!
SMAKKI: I'm Smackki!
WAKKI: And I'm Wakki!
Y,S,W: MMMMMWAH!
DR. S.: Auuuh-ptooie! Ptooie! Blegh! ... Do you know how many germs live in
your mouth?
SMAKKI: Hey! Are you bad-mouthin' us?
DR. S.: And vhat happened to the Varner Bros. sister?
WAKKI: She's just not really into it today.
YAKKI: Yeah. @hh, wanna forget this cartoon?
SMAKKI: [Tapping on the screen] Why not, everyone else has!
[They leave]
DR. S.: Wow! This is my big break!!
...
[It's quiet. Too quiet. He looks around nervously...]
[Wibbly cross-fade back to the shrink's office]
NEWHART:Wait -- y-your problem is that you're not being plagued by a trio
of maniacal brats??
I miss Jerry.
YAKKO: [Popping out from behind the couch] Miss Jeri Ryan?!
WAKKO: [Popping out from under the couch] Miss Jerry Hall?!
DOT: [Cut to shot facing across the room out to the reception area where
Dot is sitting at the desk doing her nails.]
Boys. Go figure. In *any* universe!
BOB: Wh-what the--!!
DOT: [Coming in the office] Hi! I'm Dot, this is my brother Yakko,
and this is my other brother, Wakko!
BOB: [Grabbing the phone] H-hello, security? I need someone at my office
right away. What? No, I-I can't hold. --that will wreck the whole
routine!
... They put me on hold.
[The Warners are darting about the office, getting into things,
and getting more frantic as they get warmed up. The Warners'
theme starts playing...]
BOB: Uh-oh. Um.... [The Warners are flying about now, coming at him and--]
STOP! [They freeze, blurred, in mid-air]
Say, uh, is that, ah, Judge Judy in a blimp?!
YAKKO: Where? [Running out]
WAKKO: Wait for me!!
DOT: I saw her first!!!
DR. S.: Say! That vas clever!
BOB: [Pleased] Oh, it's nothing. Just an application of psychology.
DR. S.: I vish I had learned psychology.
BOB: I wish I had learned dentistry.
DR. S.: Why?
BOB: Then I could have sedated them!
[The Warners pop up over his shoulder]
YAKKO: 'S a date?
WAKKO: We only just met.
DOT: Well, if you insist!
Y,W,D: <mwah!><mwah!><mwah!>
BOB: I am uncomfortable with that.
[Freeze-frame! Closing music. Meow!]
MELANCHOLY BRAIN
----------------
BRAIN: "...That they behold, and see not what they see?" Nonono...
"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?" Hmmm...
PINKY: Egad, brilliant, Brain!
BRAIN: What is, Pinky?
PINKY: That plot you were just devising to take over the world!
BRAIN: [Sighing] It's Shakespeare, Pinky.
PINKY: Oh, right! ..."A little dab'll do ya!"
BRAIN: Shakespeare did not write advertising jingles for hair cream, Pinky!
He wrote powerful poetry that touches the heart and moves the soul,
with unmatched insight into the human condition.
PINKY: Oh -- so adverts for long distance plans, then!
BRAIN: Enough, Pinky. I am planning to take Billie to the theatre.
PINKY: Ooh, very romantic, Brain! The dim lights, the skull-fracturing
surround-sound...
BRAIN: Not a movie theatre, Pinky! I'm taking her to see a Shakespearean play.
PINKY: I dunno, Brain! I think she'd enjoy a film better than that
Shakespeare stuff, something like "The Lion King", or "Ten Things
I Hate About You", or "West Side Story". It's got dannn-cing!
BRAIN: Don't be ridiculous, Pinky. What could be more romantic than
Shakespeare? Poet, playwright -- he wielded words like no other
writer of the English language.
PINKY: Zort, but, Brain! Nobody studies Shakespeare anymore! It's obsolete!
That would be like learning how to do arithmetic. Or find Canada
on a map!
BRAIN: Preposterous. Anyway, this is no pedagogical field-trip, it's
purely an outing to enjoy a classic work of fiction.
...The literary analysis will have to wait until we back to the lab,
so I can present the slides, and--
PINKY: Oh, Brain! How can I put this in terms you'll understand?
BRAIN: [Drily] A syllogistic sequence would be preferable.
PINKY: Auhhhh -- how can I put this in terms I'll understand?
[Cue the musical introduction!]
BRAIN: You think the ladies don't... admire the bard of Stratford on Avon?
PINKY: I know what women want!
I've seen every ep of "That's So Raven"!
Toss out your Shakespeare! Nobody's reading him now.
Chuck out the Shakspeare! Folks don't get it anyhow.
Now, what if whole-word reading's a hit at your
School, how can you teach any liter'ture?
If you feed the kids Troilus and Cressida, P-
robably all that they'll do is mess it up.
And just think how much Romeo and Juliet
Will encourage them to be more unruly yet!
Toss out your Shakespere, 'cause it's too high-brow!
Toss out your Shakespear! Get yourself some other muse.
Throw out your Shakspear, or the girls you'll just confuse!
Should you bellow some lines from Othello,
How'd she tell what you said after "Hello"?
And who'd prefer Titus Andronicus
To a pretty bouquet of veronicas?
Your girl wants a date that will please her,
Not the Ides of March from Juli's Caesar!
Toss out your Shakspere, or you're bound to lose!
PINKY: Say, Brain, what is an ide?
BRAIN: I don't think you'd understand, Pinky.
PINKY: I used to know an Ida Owen! I never knew she was Italian.
Toss out your Shagspere! Just give it a miss.
Bin all the Shaxpere, if you hope to get a kiss.
Nowadays you need stuff and not sonnets,
Buy her baubles and bangles and bonnets;
What if Antony wooed Cleopatra
With coffee that came from Sumatra?
And if she's into gadgets, iPhone 'er,
Like the gentlemen do in Verona!
Toss out your Shackespeare, you-know-what is bliss!
Toss out your Shackspere, stop wasting your time.
Drop all that Shaksper, there's no reason and no rhyme.
She's no interest in t'Merchant of Venice,
Have mercy and show your love -- when is
A better time to ply love's labours
Than singing her songs like Jim Nabors!
If you don't want a comedy of errors,
Stay away from that Scottish play's terrors!
Toss out your Shaxper! It should be a crime!
BRAIN: Macbeth?
PINKY: Aie!!! [spins around three times, spits, knocks [on his head], etc.]
BRAIN: [Sighing] That foolish superstition applies only in a theatre, Pinky!
PINKY: [Blankly] What superstition?
Toss out your Shaxspeare! Quit quoting the bard.
Dump all that Shaksper, it's really much too hard.
My friend, if you'd lend a romantic ear,
You'd have to be crazy to do King Lear;
Though her interest might seem like a sham, let
Her go on, don't fake it with Hamlet!
Taking her out, to get on the right stream,
For some ice cream's a midsummer night's dream!
Take all that Shake-speare to the knacker's yard! (Egad!)
hoist on its own petard! (Zounds!)
what you must discard! (Narfeth!)
What a big blowhard!!!
BRAIN: I see. Well. Was that supposed to be iambic pentameter?
PINKY: I am a pent-up what now??
BRAIN: You rest your case, Pinky.
Very well. How would you recommend I sway Billie's affections?
PINKY: I've got it, Brain! Why don't you tell her that maybe she's born
with it?
Or, wait, I know! "Oh, what a feeling!"
"Sometimes you feel like a nut"?
..."Where's the beef?"
BRAIN: I really ought to know better by now...
PINKY: "Strong enough for a man but made for a woman"!
BRAIN: Pinky!!!
[Iris out]
I'd like to teach the world to sing
Of Pinky and the Brain;
One's a genius, one's insane,
They're Pinky and the Brain!
KING JOHN
---------
ANNOUNCER: And now, the Warner Brothers, in a scene from William Shakespeare's
"King John", translated for those viewers who, like Yakko, have no
idea what he's saying.
YAKKO: Hmmph!
DOT: [In superimposed circle] Teeheehee!
[Meanwhile Wakko is lurching at random around the background
with a hunchback]
YAKKO: O cousin, thou art come to set mine eye:
The tackle of my heart is crack'd and burn'd,
DOT: Um... I think he's been hurt.
YAKKO: And all the shrouds wherewith my life should sail
Are turned to one thread, one little hair;
DOT: ...and going bald? He's getting a toupee!
Hey, don't blame us, you could be watching Oprah.
[Turning to face off-stage] What? Really? Since when?
Did Kellner get her, too?!
YAKKO: My heart hath one poor string to stay it by,
Which holds but till thy news be uttered.
DOT: I... I dunno. Sorry. I'm just not into it today.
YAKKO: @@@h -- wanna forget this cartoon?
DOT: Sure, everyone else has!
[She jumps out of the circle and starts to leave with Yakko]
WAKKO: [Walking over to where Yakko tossed his script on the ground.]
"And then all this thou seest is but a clod"--
Hey! [Looks after the departing Yakko] I get it! That one's easy!
[Starts running after them with the script in his hand.]
IRIS OUT
[Closing theme]
CREDITS
=======
Yakko.................voice in your head
Wakko.................voice in your head
Dot...................voice in your head
Brain.................voice in your head
Pinky.................voice in your head
Announcer...................Frank Welker
Procrastinator ---- Kathryn Page
(C) 2010 Warner Bros. and their sister Dot Entertainment
All rights made out of 200% recycled wrongs.
-David "Good-bye... uh, anyone out there... anyone?" Green