Poem: "No One Cares"
Lance Case
No One Cares
by Lance Case
He walks.
Alone.
Darkness reigns.
A chill taunts his body
As he realizes
He is
Unwanted.
Shadows dance
As lightning flashes.
Rain falls.
Thunder claps.
Hell rises
In his mind.
"No one cares,"
He thinks aloud,
Rain pours now.
"Unwanted,
Unneeded,
In the way,"
Chant the voices
In his mind.
His body,
Soiled now.
"Unneeded,
In the way"
He joins the chanting
Within his
Subconscious.
Tears form.
He weeps.
The darkness around him
Blurs.
A knife,
Pulled from his pocket.
He places it
To his wrist.
Through tears
He shouts,
"No one cares!"
He is not heard
Through thunder.
The chant in his head
Continues.
He presses the blade
Firmly to his wrist.
Blood surfaces.
He winces.
He weeps.
He bleeds.
The knife drops
From his hand.
He bleeds.
Lightheaded,
He falls.
Raindrops descend
From black clouds.
Lightning flashes.
Thunder claps.
He lies,
bleeding.
Please let me know what you think of my poem. All criticism is allowed.
Thanks a lot.
Lance
lanc...@mindless.com
Rob Evans
In article <01bca062$a91fbd40$b3b972ce@lance>, Lance Case
<del...@dreamscape.com> writes
certainly one of the noisiest.
Rob
--
Rob Evans
Michael Giardina
I don't know, I think that style is always important to account for.
But the comments of nocifer could proove quite important.
--Mike
for; All that is said is lost if nobody cares.
var...@utdallas.edu wrote:
>
> nocifer (noci...@ambergris.com.au) wrote:
>
> > There's an old saying in writing: show, don't tell. A little subtlety
> > wouldn't hurt. You've told the reader the poem is about some guy in the
> > rain who screams a lot and then kills himself. The reader walks away and
> > takes nothing from the poem with them. You've done all the work for the
> > reader. Unless you're trying to make the point that the guy's life was
> > like the poem, and as a result no one cares :)
>
> Personally, I am from the English school of "experimental" poetry which
> is designed to force the audience to think. In fact, it is the type of
> poetry that exists only for an audience willing to think and question when
> they read a poem as opposed to thinking and eventually finding an answer
> as shown (or told) by the poet. It seems very clear to me that this was
> a work of "lucid" poetry and was not intended to force or show. It
> seemed that Lances's poetic style was based on telling, so critiquing his
> poem by showing dislike for his style is not constructive. Instead,
> someone experienced with "lucid" poetry should offer advice.
>
> --
> Tanya H. A. Varilek
> "Felt"Lord
> and
> Queen of the Muppets
Sheas OD
For a cliche, this poem has generated some attention. Ive never critiqued
a poem before, but here goes (stacking up some instant karma, maybe
someone'll comment on my poems):
>He walks.
>Alone.
>Darkness reigns.
>A chill taunts his body
>As he realizes
>He is
>Unwanted.
Emphasizes personification of "Unwanted", he identifies with it. "taunts"
is very effective, reminds me of taut.
>Shadows dance
>As lightning flashes.
>Rain falls.
>Thunder claps.
>Hell rises
>In his mind.
The dark part of his mind is revealed by his realization. "Hell rises,"
no longer suppressed and all the rest, "shadows dance" forshadows suicide,
ritualistic qualities. Sacrifices himself becuase "Just in the way."
>"No one cares,"
>He thinks aloud,
>Rain pours now.
>"Unwanted,
>Unneeded,
>In the way,"
>Chant the voices
>In his mind.
Really coming down now. The narrator is now spellbound by the chill that
first taunted him. Its all being revealed. Also rain and "chant" enforce
ritual. Rain and death are vital ingredients for life, the society that he
can only help through suicide.
>His body,
>Soiled now.
>"Unneeded,
>In the way"
>He joins the chanting
>Within his
>Subconscious.
>
>Tears form.
>He weeps.
>The darkness around him
>Blurs.
His personal tears momentarily block reality, what he has to do.
>A knife,
>Pulled from his pocket.
>He places it
>To his wrist.
>Through tears
>He shouts,
>"No one cares!"
>He is not heard
>Through thunder.
>The chant in his head
>Continues.
He overcomes the tears the confront his destiny. No one else hears him, it
is still personal ("chant in his head")l in the sense of his "collective
unconcious" (Jung), or subconcious.
>He presses the blade
>Firmly to his wrist.
>Blood surfaces.
>He winces.
>He weeps.
>He bleeds.
>The knife drops
>From his hand.
>He bleeds.
>Lightheaded,
>He falls.
"Lightheaded" The "hell in his mind" is released at last.
>Raindrops descend
>From black clouds.
>Lightning flashes.
>Thunder claps.
>He lies,
>bleeding.
>
>Please let me know what you think of my poem. All criticism is allowed.
>Thanks a lot.
Your welcome.
Honestly I didnt give this poem a second thought after I first read it,
but that posting from Tanya on "experimental English school" and "lucid
wrting" prompted me to consider what the poem might say that I threw out
with the cliche.
Reading between the lines reveales a much more subtle "showing" of
universal adolescent themes. Most cultures, for example, tatto or more
severely maim teenagers as they enter the adult world. This youngster,
not getting the acceptance, does it himself, among very tribal chantings
from the bottom of his brain.
Anyway, I agree that there is a value in writing beyond what the author
intended, and what story the narrator tells. In that sense a random
series of words is worthy of interpretation (try it sometime). Thats too
much for now.
S. O'Doighle
"No hell below us
Above us only sky"
--JL
nocifer
var...@utdallas.edu wrote:
> Personally, I am from the English school of "experimental" poetry which
> is designed to force the audience to think. In fact, it is the type of
> poetry that exists only for an audience willing to think and question when
> they read a poem as opposed to thinking and eventually finding an answer
> as shown (or told) by the poet. It seems very clear to me that this was
> a work of "lucid" poetry and was not intended to force or show. It
> seemed that Lances's poetic style was based on telling, so critiquing his
> poem by showing dislike for his style is not constructive. Instead,
> someone experienced with "lucid" poetry should offer advice.
Even as a "lucid" poem, the piece is still inadequate. The emotions and
thoughts of the character are not expressed particularly well, or in a
sufficiently interesting manner. As a reader, I am left cold by the poem
because it does not involve me on any level, neither emotionally not
intellectually, and my suggestions to the author was that he might want to
try writing it in a different way; one in which he suggests - rather than
shoves (clumsily) - the point of his poem. And because the poem deals
with despair, loneliness and death, strong themes all, it should be
carefully thought out. The things unsaid are often the most evocative.
-Nox
--------------------
noc...@amber.com.au
Blake Kritzberg
In article <5sapof$pko$1...@news.utdallas.edu>, <var...@utdallas.edu> wrote:
>nocifer (noci...@ambergris.com.au) wrote:
>
>> There's an old saying in writing: show, don't tell. A little subtlety
>> wouldn't hurt. You've told the reader the poem is about some guy in the
>> rain who screams a lot and then kills himself.
>Personally, I am from the English school of "experimental" poetry
I am from Palmer, Alaska, which has no poetic aesthetic whatsoever
(ignoring, for the moment, the poetry of grade-school teachers
lighting up joints in the parking lot at noon). So please disregard
my opinions.
>which is designed to force the audience to think.
That sounds admirable, but it also appears to form nocifer's main complaint --
the poem leaves no room for supposition.
>In fact, it is the type of
>poetry that exists only for an audience willing to think and question when
>they read a poem as opposed to thinking and eventually finding an answer
>as shown (or told) by the poet.
I wish I knew more about Lucid Poetry(TM). A search turned up nothing,
and my paltry library wasn't any help. I'm probably just a dumb hick,
but most good poetry I read -- including some stuff on RAP -- leads
to no final, denotative answer. Only educated guesses and yes, sometimes
open-ended questions.
>It seems very clear to me that this was
>a work of "lucid" poetry and was not intended to force or show.
Then it surrrrrrrre succeeded. He-yaw!!
> It seemed that Lances's poetic style was based on telling, so critiquing his
>poem by showing dislike for his style is not constructive.
Whoa --- waitaminute. "No One Cares" equals "Lucid Poetry."
Nocifer dislikes "No One Cares" because it assumes no intelligence
on the reader's part. "Lucid Poetry", by definition, assumes
intelligence and involvement, you say. And the willingness to question
There's some kinda big disconnect I'm not following here.
I really wish I coulda found some kind of textbook lucidity to go
by, but failing that, allow me to waste bandwidth by pointing out
how my feeble grip on LP seems to deny this is a stellar example.
Is he walking? yes.
Is he alone? yes.
Is he cold? yes.
Is nature obliging with tired, theatrical effects? yes.
Does he think, "no one cares?" yes, ad nauseam.
Is he crying? yes.
Does he put a pocket knife to his wrist? yes.
Does that make him bleed? yes.
Does that hurt him badly? yes, although medicine says it shouldn't.
Does he keep thinking, "no one cares?" oh yes.
Does nature keep spouting off with cymbals, etc? yes.
Darn. I couldn't find one single QUESTION in this entire poem.
Better go back to school.
> Instead,
>someone experienced with "lucid" poetry should offer advice.
Well, Tanya, since you do *not* hail from a town poor in
opportunity and rich in misdemeanor, but rather an elite
British literary tradition (which unfortunately, seems to get
nowhere near the Web coverage of Hugh Grant), I would be truly
gratified if you would take a crack at said analysis. I'm still
pissed that none of those Lucidites bothered to enlighten me
from AltaVista.
Tata and cheerio, my duck.
Blake
--
________________________ ___________
LONDON - Former students at two British schools, judged
by government inspectors as failing their pupils, are ------------
suing [the schools] for their poor education. REUTERS B. Kritzberg
Jan Sand
In article <01bca062$a91fbd40$b3b972ce@lance>,
Lance Case <lanc...@mindless.com> wrote>No One Cares
#by Lance Case
#
#He walks.
#Alone.
#Darkness reigns.
#A chill taunts his body
#As he realizes
#He is
#Unwanted.
(the rest clipped)
This character, whoever he is, seems to have no sense of himself as a
separate existing organism. All his being is concentrated in self pity
because other people ignore him. There is a world out there, with and
without people. It's worth appreciating.
Jan Sand
#Shadows dance
#As lightning flashes.
#Rain falls.
#Thunder claps.
#Hell rises
#In his mind.
#
#"No one cares,"
#He thinks aloud,
#Rain pours now.
#"Unwanted,
#Unneeded,
#In the way,"
#Chant the voices
#In his mind.
#
#His body,
#Soiled now.
#"Unneeded,
#In the way"
#He joins the chanting
#Within his
#Subconscious.
#
#Tears form.
#He weeps.
#The darkness around him
#Blurs.
#
#A knife,
#Pulled from his pocket.
#He places it
#To his wrist.
#Through tears
#He shouts,
#"No one cares!"
#He is not heard
#Through thunder.
#The chant in his head
#Continues.
#
#He presses the blade
#Firmly to his wrist.
#Blood surfaces.
#He winces.
#He weeps.
#He bleeds.
#The knife drops
#From his hand.
#He bleeds.
#Lightheaded,
#He falls.
#
#Raindrops descend
#From black clouds.
#Lightning flashes.
#Thunder claps.
#He lies,
#bleeding.
#
#Please let me know what you think of my poem. All criticism is allowed.
#Thanks a lot.
#
#Lance
#lanc...@mindless.com
J. Anderson
On 10 Aug 1997, Blake Kritzberg wrote:
> In article <5sapof$pko$1...@news.utdallas.edu>, <var...@utdallas.edu> wrote:
>
> >Personally, I am from the English school of "experimental" poetry
>
> I am from Palmer, Alaska, which has no poetic aesthetic whatsoever
And I am not from the English school of "experimental" poetry, but that
doesn't mean I don't understand what Tanya or nocifer were saying. I'm
sure Tanya doesn't need me sticking up for her, but your attempt at
sarcasm has fallen flat on me and so I respond...
> > It seemed that Lances's poetic style was based on telling, so
> >critiquing his poem by showing dislike for his style is not
> >constructive.
>
> Whoa --- waitaminute. "No One Cares" equals "Lucid Poetry."
> Nocifer dislikes "No One Cares" because it assumes no intelligence
> on the reader's part. "Lucid Poetry", by definition, assumes
> intelligence and involvement, you say. And the willingness to question
> There's some kinda big disconnect I'm not following here.
Where did you get a definition that indicates intelligence and involvement
on the part of the reader? Tanya never defined "Lucid Poetry" as having
those requirements...neither did nocifer. What I got out of her posting
was that she didn't have the background to C&C that style and because she
didn't care for the style, she followed the addage "if you can't say
something nice..." and left it at that. nocifer mentioned: "There's an
old saying in writing: show, don't tell." Lance tells us "He bleeds." It
would be better if he showed us. Describe what's happening..make it
something we can visualize..."crimson rain falling on the pavement/running
down the gutter/into the sewer that defines his life" or something to that
effect. This isn't a photographic medium we're working with. The poet
has to paint his picture with words. The more senses a poet can involve
in his work, the better that work will be. Let me see what the poet is
writing about...let me hear, smell, and taste it...let me feel the pain!
Just my 2 kilobytes worth...
J.B. Anderson
Francis Oumamar
Being new to this group and news groups in general, I don't want to make
enemies quite yet, but how old are you Lance? I don't really want to
make a judgement before i know, i believe it is reasonably important..
Regards
Francis
Mr. Andrew N. Scheufele
i do not know or care what anyone else thinks about this poem cause i
think it's great it made me wanna weep somebody finally pulled off the
whole deppression suicide thing in a simply versed poem and did it
admirably (fuk speling)
-paper Heart
Of all the things ive lost i miss my mind the most
Lance Case
Francis Oumamar <Fran...@Dial.Pipex.com> wrote in article
<33F0E4F0...@Dial.Pipex.com>...
Francis,
Thank you for your interest in my poetry...
My age... hmm... the relevancy of you request is somewhat recognized...
sure, what the Hell... I will turn 16 in less than two months... I hope
that fulfills your request... Have a good one...
Lance
[E-Mail - lanc...@mindless.com] [ICQ UIN# - 491756]
[WWW - http://www.dreamscape.com/delorme]
Melissa
> >#Alone.
> >#Darkness reigns.
> >#A chill taunts his body
> >#As he realizes
> >#He is
> >#Unwanted.
> >(the rest clipped)
> On 11 Aug 1997 19:18:30 +0300, js...@walrus.megabaud.fi (Jan Sand)
> wrote:
> >This character, whoever he is, seems to have no sense of himself as a
> >separate existing organism. All his being is concentrated in self pity
> >because other people ignore him. There is a world out there, with and
> >without people. It's worth appreciating.
On Wed, 27 Aug 1997, thinker wrote:
> so you're saying, basiclly, that human's don't need soceity?
Wrong. Read it again.
--
.+'`'+.+'+.+'`'+.+`'`'+.
{ "The bounce has gone } O o .
{ out of his bungee..." } Melissa
`'+.+'`'+..+`'+..+`'+.+' pi...@sol.ucdavis.edu