Google Groups no longer supports new Usenet posts or subscriptions. Historical content remains viewable.

True Facts (pre-News of the Weird)

Skip to first unread message

Brian McInturff

Nov 15, 1994, 10:15:46 AM11/15/94
Some of my favorite National Lampoon's True Facts. I feel
justified putting these on the net because Nat Lamp went out
of business while I had a subscription and they
still owe me four issues. Disseminate widely.
Some are only mildly tasteless. I hope you can bear it,
a.t. -- turf

The University of Washington's Theta Xi fraternity chpater
was ousted from the Interfraternity Council by a campus
judicial committee as a result of an initiation-week incident.
Seattle police, acting on a complaint, visited the off-campus
house of Theta Xi, where they found two stolen sheep. They
also found "members and pledges dressed in their underwear,
with white grease on their hands and peanut butter and other
substances on their bodies."
According to the *Chronicle of Higher Education*, "The
police report said that the two female sheep were 'overheated
and agitated,' but unharmed."

"Nancy and I are sorry to learn about your illness. Our
thoughts and prayers are with you. God bless you."
-- Ronald Reagan, in a [1989] letter to Augusta Lockridge after
she was blinded in the soap opera "Santa Barbara." Augusta
Lockridge is a fictional character.

From the Las Vegas *Sun*: "An Austrian circus dwarf died
recently when he bounced sideways from a trampoline and was
swallowed by a hippopotamus. Seven thousand people watched as
little Franz Dasch popped into the mouth of Hilda the Hippo
and the animal's gag reflex forced it to swallow. The crowd
applauded wildly before other circus people realized what
has happened."

This curious addendum was published in L.A. Weekly:
"In last week's film review of Star Trek V, Helen Knode
wondered if in Star Trek VI they'll 'put Jim, Bones,and
Scotty naked in a hot tub together playing hide the
sausage.' She meant to ask whether they'll put Jim, Bones,
and _Spock_ together to play hide the sausage. She
apologizes for any misunderstanding."

The following help wanted ad appeared in California's Santa
Cruz Sentinel: "Prototype machinist w/exp. in plastics
machining & fabrication for the product development
industry. Must be able to work with idiots & have
partial higher brain function. 476-2070."

The senior class of High School South in Middletown, NJ,
decided to allocate $500 "to give each graduating senior
a commemorative white porcelain mug, trimmed with blue
and gold." However, when school officials decided the
mug looked too much like a beer stein and might send the
wrong message about alcohol abuse, Principal James
Mullevey ordered that holes be drilled in the bottoms
of all 372 mugs.
"It does make you drink faster," noted one graduate.

According to a birth announcement in the *Tribune* of San
Diego, Calif., a Mr. and Mrs. Cox named their newborn daughter

A judge admonished the Radnor, Pa., police for pretending
that a Xerox copy machine was a lie detector. Officers had
placed a metal colander on the head of a suspect and attached
the colander to the copier with metal wires. In the copy
machine was a type-written message which read: "He's lying."
According to UPI, "Each time investigators received answers
they did not fancy, they pushed the copy button. Out came
the message, "He's lying."
Apparently convinced the machine was accurate, the suspect


0 new messages