Proposed: a Grogan Code

ian_an...@my-deja.com

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Nov 23, 1999, 3:00:00 AM11/23/99

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We all enjoy the profound wonder of a riproaring good crap, and a close
second has to be the poetic and floridly detailed descriptions posted
here.

WHO WOULDN'T?

And in the interest of Science and accuracy, I propose a Grogan Code.

No, I don't mean to attempt a replacement (Impossible!) of the beauty,
wit and vividness of the prose with which the denizens of AT describe
their joys of fecal birth. What I'd like to work on (again, in the
interests of Science) is a qualifiable index of all relevant factors
surrounding and composing your friend & mine: the Grogan.

Like the Geek Code (but of infinitely more utility and validity) the
Grogan Code would be used to give the reader near-exact detail in
regard attributes of the Shite, perhaps to follow the wonderfully
entertaining prose itself.

The code could be composed of single/double-letter attributes *usually*
modified with +, ++, -, -- or unmodified, to indicate relative value
within a 5-tier scale, OR a number of given dimension/occurrences.
Exageration would be discouraged (e.g.: "+++++", "5000") unless
specifically warranted by an especially descriptive prose description.

Some proposed attributes:
--------------------------
Urgency (U) - That Gotta Go feeling. Tough call - depends a lot on the
poster's individual anatomy & constitution, YMMV
signed scale:
-- = could wait all day (and probably did)
- = within a couple/four hours
= whatever "normal" is for the shittor
+ = (probably) could wait no longer than 10 min.
++ = had to birth it within 2 minutes
---------------------------------------
PreVapor (PrV) - The Heralding trumpet calls announcing the coming of
Shitlemaine - honking of the horn before entering the
intersection.
[recommended: Integer/sign combination (e.g.: "3++,2-,1+", showing
three huge blasts, two tiny, one biggun)]
----------------------------------------
Grind (G) - Level of pre-evacuatory effort, grunts, groans, pushing &
bearing down - again, YMMV
signed scale
----------------------------------------
Labor Duration (LD) - Time from sit to time of shit in minutes,
decimals allowed
numeric scale
----------------------------------------
Passage (Ps) - Ease (or lack thereof) of the fecal birth - YMMV

signed scale
----------------------------------------
Greasiness (Gr) - Rough & gritty or slippy-slimy? Your call
(definitely not mine)
signed scale
----------------------------------------
Punctuation (Pn) - No, not the shape of the turds, the occurrence of
gas blasts between/during same.
number scale - integer/sign combo [multiple placement, variable within
code]
----------------------------------------
Moisture (M) - Is it soup yet?

signed scale:
++ = FWOOSH
+ = Campbell's Chunky
= firm, lunchmeat-like consistency
- = whole-grain bread
-- = 9-strand manila hemp rope
-----------------------------------------
Population (Pop) - Single birth? Triplets? Quints? Just how prodigious
were you?
number scale(integer)/signed combo (indicating each rel. size)
-----------------------------------------
Volume (V) - total birth size, YMMV

signed scale:
-- = half a tootpick - quail's egg
- = hen egg - jumbo magic marker
= up to a small/medium lunchpail-full
+ = up to a gallon/4 litres
++ = over 4 litres
-----------------------------------------
PostVapor (PoV) - see PreVapor, only afterward (duh.)
-----------------------------------------

Now, I KNOW that I'm not the only one who's had ideas along these lines
and that many if not most of you have got better, more detailed systems
to expand upon these or replace any/all of them - LET'S HEAR THEM.

As always, open for discussion.

Ian

ObT:
My moring Grogan:
U-PrV(4-,2,3,1+)G+LD1.7Ps+Gr-Pn(1-)M-Pop(2,1-)VPoV(1+)

Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.

Rev. Syd Midnight

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Nov 23, 1999, 3:00:00 AM11/23/99

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ian_an...@my-deja.com wrote:
>
> We all enjoy the profound wonder of a riproaring good crap, and a close
> second has to be the poetic and floridly detailed descriptions posted
> here.
>
> WHO WOULDN'T?
>
> And in the interest of Science and accuracy, I propose a Grogan Code.

If I'm not mistaken, one was developed many years ago (circa 92-93),
search AT archives for the title "Uniform Shit Code" or somesuch. It's
gotta be around somewhere..
I remember it, vaguely, being on Mr. Grogan's AT archive, a modest but
lovingly composed site that has been gone for a year or two now, alas.
Oh, how I dearly wish I could get a hold of it, I'd gladly host and
maintain it for him on my wasted web-space. It had sentimental value,
being my first exposure to AT back in my Lynx text-browser days when I
couldn't access usenet... I damn near memorized that site, so nowadays
an occasional title or idea manages to float up to the top of my murky
mental waters..

ObT: Finally got around to doing some of my laundry. I have a strange
habit... when looking for an article of clothing to wear, if nothing
clean is available, I'll instead opt for the oldest unwashed garments...
it's as if a filthy shirt that has been sitting underneath my bed for 2
or 3 weeks has magically become cleaner than the filthy shirt I was
wearing just yesterday. Gives the sweat time to evaporate, at least.
Can't do this with socks, however. When they dry out, they're stiff
with an orange crust, quite uncomfortable. In the case of socks, it's
better to just wear the same pair for a few days than risk them drying
out.

--

Rev. Syd Midnight - Remove TREET from address to reply

"When you're excited, you don't always think how your partner feels,
especially when his screams are drowned under the roar of the
chain-saw.."
-- Steven Snedker

ian_an...@my-deja.com

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Nov 24, 1999, 3:00:00 AM11/24/99

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Syd wrote:
> If I'm not mistaken, one was developed many years ago (circa 92-93),
>search AT archives for the title "Uniform Shit Code" or somesuch. It's
>gotta be around somewhere..

> I remember it, vaguely, being on Mr. Grogan's AT archive...

Didn't find - REPOST, anyone?

This is for SCIENCE, people!

Ian

ObTfiction:

The parents of politically-assigned worker 8256a41, Shuang Fi province,
receiving the bill for the bullet required by the People's Liberation
Army to "correct" worker 8256a41 - her messages of political dissidence
that she concealed within the plastic bodies of Disney figures destined
for the corrupt American "Happy Meals" was not appreciated by the Great
People's Revolution...

"TEN Yuan! [$1.22US] A day's pay! SHIT, woman, I told you you should
have aborted that cunt!"

Ubiquitous

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Dec 12, 1999, 3:00:00 AM12/12/99

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"Rev. Syd Midnight" <sydT...@nls.net> wrote:

>ian_an...@my-deja.com wrote:

>> And in the interest of Science and accuracy, I propose a Grogan Code.
>

> If I'm not mistaken, one was developed many years ago (circa 92-93),
>search AT archives for the title "Uniform Shit Code" or somesuch. It's

>gotta be around somewhere... I remember it, vaguely, being on Mr.

>Grogan's AT archive, a modest but lovingly composed site that has
>been gone for a year or two now, alas.

Merry X-mas from the "A.T. Scribe"!
I'm too lazy to go thru my archive, but I just happened to have
reposted this beaut last January. Enter this in a handy search engine:

<915602766.259094@flux>

If memory serves me, this was posted in response to an article
in, of all places, People magazine which featured some sort of
doctor or scientist who studied shit and used a shit code of his
own. His code, unfortunately, fell way below the A.T. standard,
as it only consisted of a number between one and five, one indicating
the "el concreto", smooth sausage type and a five for the dirty
onion soup type.

Hmm, I think some of us did some preliminary (photographic) illustrations
too...

USC:4+m l4 d1.25 Sl m5 CH+ a/+ (early afternoon)