"My wife calls me SWAMPFOOT!" (was:Re: I`m hot to DIE SCREAMING

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Griffin Moss

May 9, 1996, 3:00:00 AM5/9/96

On 8 May 1996, B)angers 'n' Mash wrote:

> Date: 8 MAY 1996 22:57:26 GMT
> From: Bangers 'n' Mash <cp_...@alcor.concordia.ca>
> Newgroups: alt.tasteless
> Subject: Re: I`m hot to DIE SCREAMING
> I Luv Cocks <ca...@coventry.ac.uk> wrote:
[snip solicitation]
> Oh Jesus yesyesyes let me squeeze my constipated love into your mouth in
> painful rectal surges while my girlfriend explores the watery caverns of
> your skull with a Black and Dahmer drill bit. I want to feel the liquid
> waves of your cerebo-spinal fluid sloshing against my pimply, sweaty ass
> cheeks as you devour my fudgy lovechunks.

Art, man. I saw, I came, I changed my drawers.
> >"I`m wearing no knickers"
> Hey, I thought you were selling us your cheese caked dainties? She's a
> fraud, folks! She probably just steals the diapers offen 'tards from the
> ERR to market as her lovesoaked underthings. Even as we speak, lonely men
> all over the place are wanking furiously with TardGrogan Depends clamped
> over their sweaty, ugly mugs. Demand a refund!
> B 'n' M
> --

And that doesn't get you off?? By the way, what exactly do you mean "to
market 'as' her love soaked underthings?" Are you saying they aren't?
I'll have you know that alot of love goes into each and every pair of
*my* bespackled undergarments. I am quite attached to each and every
pair, as you may imagine. At least until they reach critical mass and
the crust flakes loose. At which time they take up residence in my
duffel bag where they await their monthly trip to mom's for decontamination.

ObTlaundry: Well, the warehouse (where I live now) doesn't have a washer
and dryer, nor does it have a kitchen sink. And, as I don't normally
find laundry tokens falling out of my asshole (not to mention I'm a lazy
bastard), I am on a monthly laundry cycle. The end of the laundry
cycle is like the end of a pay period...except instead of scrimping for
change to keep you in coffin nails for those last four days, you're
sifting through putrid laundry trying to find that holy grail of slobdom,
the "LEAST STINKY PAIR OF SOCKS." As I use socks, I store them in the
duffle bag to await the day of second helpings, whereupon I spread them
out over the workbench in the shop area and proceed to grade them for
degree of cleanliness/filth. I judge a socks putrescence based on the
following factors:

100 point laundry inspection-

I-Discoloration: mottled grey--->minor sweat absorption = 5 pts.
brownish grey-->moderate sweat discoloration,
sweat has begun to leech pigmnet
from footwear = 10 pts.
blackish green->serious sweat/mildew saturation
Sweat has begun to erode
footwear and possibly flesh,
resulting in rich breeding
ground for mold, spores, and fungi = 20 pts.
threadbare hairy
black ->This garment is dead. = 100 pts.

II-Odor Detectable: at 6"-12", unpleasant and overwhelming = 5 pts.

at arms length, odor clings to surfaces = 15 pts.

from door to shop through the dullfe bag
gag reflex and consideration of barefoot
usage of combat boots arises. = 25 pts.

At 50 paces through boot leather and
overwhelms an entire urinal cake in each
boot. Burns skin when worn, tears at cuff
as foot is inserted. = 50 pts.

IIITexture: Soft with slight stiffness at toes = 5 pts.

Slightly rigid with some clinging
in a closed position; generally coarse
and canvas-like. = 15 pts.

Crisp as dipped in starch, must me peeled
open with fingertips. Visibly creased.
Abraids skin and causes immediate
infection. = 20 pts.

Brittle as the Shroud of Turin; threads
break, dust leaks from holes, flesh
may recieve splinters or lesions. = 50 pts.
(note:may still be worn, but will likely
cause death.[of sock])

IV-Scoring: 0-10 = May be worn on dates; considered "good as new"
10-20 =May be worn in presence of mother; considered
a "trophy pair" in recycle stage.
20-30 =May be worn in mall; considered "Getting kinda
30-40 =May be worn in supermarket or convenience
store; considered "A little ripe."
40-50 =May be worn; outdoors only, if in public;
not to be stored near perishable goods.
50-60 =May be worn for short periods in emergency
situations only; must not be stored in an
open container.
60-70 =May be worn if no immediate threat of injury
or illness is posed in doing so, given careful
evaluation of stages above. Considered
acceptable only if you do not have a fixed
address. Must not be worn twice.
70-80 =Garments in this stage should never be
intentionally put in direct contact with
skin or hair. If garment has been worn for
a sufficient number of consecutive days
to place it in this category, one should take
*great* care to remove footwear outdoors in
a strong wind with feet downwind of head.
This should preferrably be done in the middle
of a large, empty parking lot (cement, NOT
asphalt). The socks should be left there to
decompose, safely removed from organic
material and/or public water sources.
80-90 =Garments will normally not reach this stage
unless worn by a person with a pre-existing
foot infection who has crashed in the middle
of a rainforest and must walk out. Upon
reaching civilization, care must be taken to
reach proper quarantine facilities with a high
level HAZ-MAT disposal team on hand. NOTE:

90-100 =You are hereby advised that your footwear is
in direct violation of Article XII
Section 4.1.1 of the Geneva Convention, which
specifically prohibits the use of noxious
and/or lethal chemical agents. In addition
removal of your outer footwear would place
you in violation of countless EPA regulations
on acts of environmental abuse. An immediate
amputation of your socks at the knees is
the only acceptable method of removal.
As there is no known method of safe disposal
for such an item, your feet will have to
be buried in a specially constructed lead-
impregnated concrete vault, the cost of which
you may defray by volunteering as a test
subject with the Department of Defense to
allow them to test chemical substances on you.
Human Beings with such a resistance to noxious/
lethal substances are few and hard to come

There, that's how I grade my laundry. See ya.

-Griffin Moss

Griffin Moss

May 13, 1996, 3:00:00 AM5/13/96
to Sonya Johnson

On Sat, 11 May 1996, Sonya Johnson wrote:

> Date: Sat, 11 May 1996 09:33:04 -0700
> From: Sonya Johnson <son...@netcom.com>
> To: tr...@elwood.probe.net
> Newgroups: alt.tasteless
> Subject: Re: "My wife calls me SWAMPFOOT!" (was:Re: I`m hot to DIE SCREAMING
> Great post, Griffin. And while my dirty laundry never approaches most of
> those levels, I've certainly seen some that did.

Aww, shucks...t'werent nuthin' ...uh-hyuk.

But, come clean...(gawd, that's lame) You *must* have the occasional
forgotten dainty get hastily doffed behind the sofa or other such garment
vortex, where it festers and rots for months and years only to be
discovered much later by the bonded sanitation crew your abandoned
security deposit so inadequately defrays the cost of? No? Well,
jeez...I guess my previous landlords were right about me being the single
most slovenly tennant to ever escape a trailer park and take up civilized
accomodations! Well, I just said back off, man....'cause I'm movin' awn

"...Enis, Jethro, and I set off after the Human Turd, who had escaped the
circus just after dark the previous night. We caught his scent just
south of the two forks river and rode hard on his trail all that day. We
would not stop until the Human Turd was found, captured, killed, gutted,
cleaned, stuffed, sanitized, deodorized, and mounted on our wall over the
From the Chris Baker show, excerpt from the "Larry the Cable
Guy" sketch, letter from Larry's great-great-great-great-great-grandfather,
"Lawrence the Telegraph Guy."

ObJeffersons: Forgive me, nostalgia kickin' in. I just have to see if I
can remember the words:

Cause we're movin' on up,
to the top!
To a deeee-lux apartment
in the sky-y-y-y.
We're movin' on up
to the top!
We've finally got a piece of the pie!

Momma's [something something]
Poppa fires up that grill [?]
Took a whole lotta trying
just to get up that hill.
Now I'm up in the big leagues,
guess it's my turn at bat,
long as we live,
it's you and me baby,
uh-ain't nothin' wrong with that...[CHORUS]

In the words of "Larry the Cable Guy" from the Chris Bakker show...

Ah'm madder'n a skinheed ah watchin' thuh Jeff'rsuns!
> Cheers,
> Sonya, glad to be back to reading a.t. again....

Glad you're back.

Git'er DUN!!!!!! (Larry again)

-Griffin Moss

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