Uniform Shit Code v0.1
Ha Li
Fellow a.t'ers, I'm here to talk shit today.
We all know that the Eskimos have something like 40 words for snow because
snow is important to them. Yet, as important as shit is to us, we have
comparatively few words for it, "liquishit", "shit", "turd", and "grogan"
notwithstanding. Perhaps someday Messrs. Chapman, Chiesa, et al., will
coin specific words for their masterpieces [heh], but for now what I propose
is a codification of shit.
The motoheads have the DoD and their Keepers, the motss'ers and geeks have
their letter codes; it's high time we got serious about shit. Although nothing
will ever replace the joy and eloquent descriptions from the a.t. Masters, by
having a uniform shit code we will gain an even closer one-ness with the
products of our bowels. I encourage all descriptions of shit in a.t. to be
annotated with this code.
Uniform Shit Code (USC) v0.1
consistency
-----------
The primary qualifier is the consistency of the shit, this is
indicated by a single digit, e.g.
USC:0 - totally liquid shit
USC:1 - liquid shit with minute stringy fibers
USC:5 - moderately firm shit
USC:9 - hard as concrete
composite shit is indicated by two or more numbers, e.g.
USC:2,6 - this is a mostly liquid shit with occasional
harder bits mixed in
a special type of shit, the gaseous splattershit, really has no
consistency and this is denoted as USC:*
optional modifiers:
m or f - indicates male or female shit, e.g. USC:4f
a - animal shit
? - "what kind of shit is this?"
B - blood present in shit
P - peanuts present in shit
C - corn present in shit
W - worms present in shit
$ - money present in shit
# - other object present in shit
-- - sandpaper shit
- - dry shit
+ - smooth shit
++ - shit slid out
@ - shit was not performed on a toilet
! - shit in pants
size
----
(for solid shits)
Size is specified by length (l) and diameter (d), in inches. For
example:
USC:7 l8 d2.5
is a solid turn 8 inches long and 2.5 inches in diameter. Suffixes
of cm or m may follow these measurements, thus allowing one to truly
specify a metric shitload.
If the shit broke off after coming out, you can indicate this like
l8-2 (i.e. an 8" turd that broke off a 2" piece). Furthermore, if
you cut it off short, then l8+2 indicates you let out 8", cut it off,
then dropped out a 2-incher.
Append ! if you've fished it out and actually measured it, e.g. l6!
shape
-----
(for solid shits)
shape is indicated by (S) and is one of:
Sb - ball shit (need only specify diameter, above)
Sc - coil shit (winds around the bowl)
Sf - fluffy shit (amorphous pieces in the bowl)
Sl - log (long, flat at both ends)
Swc - wadcutter (length is very close to diameter, flat
at both ends)
Ssp - spitzer (the classic bullet shape)
Sspbt - spitzer boat tail (tapers at the end somewhat)
mass
----
(for solid shits)
mass is indicated by m and is in ounces (or g for grams):
USC:7 l8 d2.5 Ssp m8
this is a good half-pounder. Specify m8! if you took it out
and weighed it at 8 oz.
volume
------
(for liquid shits)
volume is indicated by v and is in fluid ounces (or l for liters):
USC:3 v10
again, follow this with ! if you siphoned it off into a measuring
cup
color
-----
I'll keep it simple and propose:
CH - Hershey brown
Ck - black
Cr - red
Cg - green
Cb - blue
Cy - yellow
Cw - white
there's a lot of lattitude here, for example
USC:7 l8 d2.5 Ssp m8 Cy+
is a sort of bright yellow, and
USC:7 l8 d2.5 Ssp m8 Cr+++Cg++Cb--
is an rgb mixture that produces a pleasant gold color. An example of
multicolored shit is:
USC:7 l8 d2.5 Ssp m8 Cy--/CH
a dark yellow one with brown bands
effects
-------
Numerous effects of the shit, denoted by e(), are enumerated here
s+ - shit splattered on bowl
s++ - shit splashed water on buttcheeks
s* - shit splashed water up anus
s- - shit went on seat
s-- - shit went outside the toilet
f - fart accompanied the shit, this is further refined
by optional modifiers (--, -, +, ++ !) to denote the
loudness of the fart, e.g. !++f- would indicate
that the shit was preceded by a loud fart and then
followed by a softer one. One could even specify
something like ++-f--+! to denote a loud fart that
dies off, followed by the shit, followed by a soft
fart that peaks at the end
u - "ungh" effect (kudos to Chris Chiesa for mentioning
this); same syntax as for "f", above
m - the shit left skidmarks after flushing
Putting this all together, we can get:
USC:8 l9 d2.5 Sl m12 CH- e(!+f, s*, !++u-)
This would be a pretty solid 9x2.5 inch log, 12 ounces, dark brown,
which was preceded by a good fart, heavy grunting, splashed water up
the anus, and was followed by a little grunt. Not bad, eh?
Well, we're not finished...
sound
-----
The sound of the shit is in two parts: the sound of the turd coming
out and the sound of it hitting the water. This is denoted by "a"
(for aural) using the syntax a<exiting sounds>/<water sounds>. The
sound modifiers are:
exiting sounds
(none) - no sound
+ - slight sounds of emergence, possible sounds
of gas escaping around it
++ - quite audible sounds
water sounds
(none) - no sound
- - sound of turd entering water smoothly
+ - slight plop or plip
++ - well-formed plop
+++ - a robust plop followed by a pluump against
the bowl
example:
a+/++
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ok, I think that'll do it for a rough draft. I know there's lots more that
can be put in. Feel free to add and improve on it -- post or send email.
I'll keep the "official" copy and resolve discrepancies that come up.
-Dave
USC:4+m l4 d1.25 Sl m5 CH+ a/+ (early afternoon)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chinese philosophers spent centuries trying to capture the Zen
that is a healthy shit, when all it takes is a case of beer and
a bowl of raisin bran. - Dan Sorenson
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
James Kibo Parry
you're reading rec.pets.cats now.]
> USC:9 - hard as concrete
You need to set up a standards institute with samples of the
various colors, consistencies, etc. on display. Then, we'll be able to
bring our own shit in, and look at / sniff / squeeze the standards to
have an objective basis for evaluation.
Also, odoriferousness *must* be coded in the revised standard.
There should also be a modifier for "BOY, I REALLY SMELLED UP THE PLACE IN
THERE!" (Steve Martin) I.e. for those special events where the smell
just WON'T leave the area.
What's the Pantone standard color value of "babyshit brown"?
-- K.
kate
> What's the Pantone standard color value of "babyshit brown"?
>
All my numerous offspring shit Reflex Blue. Don't yours?
Kate_-_McDonnell
David Filippi
>[Seen in alt.tasteless. Press 'n' now if you're stupid enough to think
>you're reading rec.pets.cats now.]
>In article <C6A0H...@vcd.hp.com> dmu...@vcd.hp.com (Ha Li) writes:
>> Uniform Shit Code (USC) v0.1
>>
>
>
green and accompanies "puke" in lots of mid-80's yuppie interior
decorating.
>
> -- K.
Ah then, .sigless one!
--
--- Dave Filippi |"I'm completely IN CHARGE OF MY LIFE, in exactly the
-- Harvard Biochem '94| same way that a pilot who is at the back of the plane
- filippi1 | getting drunk in the bathroom is in charge of the
@husc.harvard.edu | airplane if the rest of the crew is dead." --Dribble
Santiago Arteaga
<-----
<
< (for solid shits)
<
< shape is indicated by (S) and is one of:
Well, liquid footprints have also a shape. I would propose to use
the prefix LS for liquid shapes, although this might be a little bit
redundant; we do know that the turd is liquid because of the consistency
qualifier, so the L is not required.
Some suggestions :
SLd it has dried up, although it was originally liquid.
SL^ large area. (Since it's liquid, this doesn't imply
large turd)
SLf filtered. Most humidity has gone away. Think of a liquid
turd on a bed; the water would permeate the blanket.
SLe elliptical shape.
SLl lobes turd ; shit was probably dumped in the same place
with several loads.
SL@ convoluted shit. stuff was deployed in the same place
continuously, while slighty moving.
SL- liquid track.
SL-- long liquid track
SL* splashed shit. Really liquid.
SL... sprayed shit. Watery shit.
SL# irregular shape
SL! A picture of the turd has been taken, scanned, and posted
in alt.tasteless.pictures
Of course, these things could be combined. For example,
SL(...^d)*l(#@/e)!
The performance started by spraying the very liquid stuff, in a
large area. This stage has dried up already (observe that "...^" is
enclosed with "d" within a parenthesis, so that the drying affects only
to this part.) There followed some more consistent shit, yet very liquid.
The turd has lobes, two of them (presumably the larger ones) to be detailed
between parenthesis and separated by a slash. The "main core" of this dump is
irregular but convoluted. The other large lobe is elliptical, presumably
firmer. Finally, the monument was digitized, to preserve such a great
complexity from organically decaying.
Note the following convention, which might be useful also when
dealing with solid turd:
Chronological/estratigraphical (sp?) order. Details are given
in the same order asthey happened, or bottom-up in the pile.
Oh, by the way, "SL(...^d)*l(#@/e)!" contains also some medical
information: we know that the donor is coming out of a diarrhea, because its
signature is getting more and more solid.
Lonely Vicious
Geof Brown
and, while I applaud the idea, I must protest. Think of the loss of poetry
that would ensue. The code is much too limited, it lacks *soul*
For example, in the list of optional modifiers, there was no mention of
external matter present in the shit (meaning stuff that came in from the
bottom, not the top). A simple code cannot contain the various
possibilities--sperm(ManJuice, that is), action figures, vases, small animals,
etc.
Another thing we need to consider is density--I mean sure, we can,
with the USC, describe anything from vapor to rock hardness, but how did the
shit become that way? Is it simply from natural internal pressure? Or were
external pressures involved? Suppose, for example, someone has just put their
fist in your ass. Naturally the turd becomes compacted. This needs to be
noted. Or what if you just recieved an enema? Again this needs to be noted.
Someone else has mentioned that we need to include smell, I won't touch
on that. But what about taste? Definitely needs to be considered, or if the
shitter is too much of a wimp to taste his(or her) own products, and can't
find (or force) somebody else to do so, some notation for this should be
included. Or for that matter, what's it feel like? Smooth or bumpy, fibrous
or claylike? How about temperature? Did it lose its warmth upon contact with
the water, or did it retain internal warmth, like something alive? (is it
alive? another good question)
So some refinement is definitely needed before the USC is up and
running, an effective reference for A.T. (Great idea though)
-- Geof
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Geof Brown gbr...@macalstr.edu
1600 Grand Ave. "How pleasant is the sound of a rifle butt on the
St. Paul, MN 55105 face of goodness..."--Albert Camus, "The Renegade"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill Blum
I can't find the Pantone value for "babyshit green."
--
Bill Blum bl...@sage.cc.purdue.edu Purdue University, W. Lafayette, IN
"It was a time when men were real men...women were real women...and small
furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from
Alpha Centauri."-DNA ** Life? Don't talk to me about life.... -Marvin
Ha Li
>I tip my toilet-lid to you. Second, I'm proud to be included in
>the USC inspirational pantheon; talk about an Honorable Mention! My bowels
>and I thank you.
It is I who thank you, and bow before you and your bowels [whilst majestically
dipping my forehead in the urinal].
>On the other hand, I am prepared to accept the possible viability of a
>codified [...] standard of fecal description, IF we clarify right off the
>bat that we are measuring ONLY the physical attributes of the PRODUCT
>ITSELF -- NOT the experience.
Exactly, just as notes on a page cannot capture the excitement and experience
of hearing the "Go, go, Johnny, go!" part of Chuck Berry's _Johnny B. Goode_
(or _My Ding-A-Ling_, if you prefer).
[ proposal to establish a Bureau of Fecal Weights and Measures (BFWM) ]
>we would need actual INSTRUMENTS for the measurement of each turd
[ various problems relating to liquid volume and color ]
I seem to remember an old Radio Shack (?) catalog featuring a diarrhometer
for measuring liquid volumes, a spectral turdograph for color analysis, and
a groganometric beam for weights and measures. It's not at my desk, though;
I may have wiped with it.
I hope to have v0.2 out later this week with suggested improvements.
-Dave
Mr. Hyde
(Chris F Chiesa) writes:
....snip.....
>However... I'm tempted to say that the whole thing is a pointless exer-
>cise because, to paraphrase an expression often heard in regard to SEX,
>"the possibilities of shit are infinite!"
...snip....
> I suppose we could get by on subjective
>"eyeball" measurements for a while, until a Bureau of Fecal Weights and
>Measures can be established and can set out absolute standards, but at
>the very least such measurements should be taken by an impartial third
>party rather than the highly-involved producer.
......snip.......
There are a lot of carefully archived standards throughout the world.
For example, in some bank vault in Paris, under stringently controlled
conditions of temperature, pressure, humidity etc. there is the
standard of the metre, a rod of titanium (I think) exactly 1 metre long
(by definition). Some other measures have similar standards. Every
described species of plant and animal has a type specimen which is
archived in some dusty museum draw, but can be called upon for
comparison with new specimens. The essentially infinite variation
possible in every species is widely recognised, but the problem of
classification is thus alleviated by the nomination of this type
specimen. It is the only individual which truly bears the name of the
species, all others are thus classified by exhibiting close similarity
to it.
So it seems to me that many of the problems of faecal classification
could be similarly alleviated by nominating a single `World Standard Turd'
which would thus act as a universal yard stick by which all other shit
could be compared, described and catalogued. I am sometimes concerned
when people make rash statements like, for example. "I just had a really
runny crap", or "the bog I had last night really stank". Runny compared
to what? Stinky compared to what? I'm quite sure these people haven't done
a statistical analysis of millions of samples of excrement from different
individuals to arrive at there conclusions, rather the conclusions are
based largely on rather subjective personal standards which may have
little relevance to you or me. Now, while a very large statistical study
would have some merit, I think for simplicity sake I much favor the
concept of the single `World Standard Turd'. This valuable stool would be
carefully stored in a highly secure bank vault under special conditions
in order to preserve as many details of size, shape, weight, colour,
consistency, composition, smell etc. as possible. The celebrated grogan
wouldn't need to be an exact average, just as the type specimen of a
species is not necessarily an exact average of all characteristics of
its species, but in loose terms it should be something that is within
the normal range and not notably aberrant in any way.
So, the obvious question remains, who should have the great honor of
cutting this most sacred loaf? I guess the most obvious choice would be
the nominated type specimen of Homo sapiens, none other than Carl Gustav
Linnaeus. But sadly Linnaeus hasn't been able to squeeze out a log in the
last 200 years on account of death. Logically, the next best choice must
be a member of alt.tasteless, clearly the most scatological organisation
on this planet. As a newby I must respectfully bow out at this point and
let those infinitely more worthy than myself vie for this supreme honor.
Who should it be? Mr. A.t.? Ms. A.t.? A.ts' most scatological poster,
whoever that might be? Who?
Mr. Hyde
--
_________________________________________________________________
/ \ \
\_|Mr. Hyde c/o: pha...@pangaea.dme.nt.gov.au| I don't speak for |
|-------------------------------------------| my employer; I'm |
| "Inflammation of the foreskin reminds me | not paid enough |
| of your smile" Monty Python | for that. |
| _____________________________________________________________|_
\_/______________________________________________________________/
Art Taylor
>There are a lot of carefully archived standards throughout the world.
>For example, in some bank vault in Paris, under stringently controlled
>conditions of temperature, pressure, humidity etc. there is the
>standard of the metre, a rod of titanium (I think) exactly 1 metre long
Isn't it platinum-iridium? Maybe they just use my foreskin.
>Who should it be? Mr. A.t.? Ms. A.t.? A.ts' most scatological poster,
>whoever that might be? Who?
I have no idea who the donors should be(for each consistency/texture/etc.),
but I can suggest a potential and deserving receptacle. I have this ex-hag
(I have mentioned her before, as this group seems perfectly suited to the
discussion of her), and I am sure she would just love to receive and
catalogue a few tons of your shit, all in little Mason jars(or manila
envelopes...open envelope, reach hand in, ICK!).
If anyone is interested in this, drop me a line, and I will mail you her
address...;>
Speaking of Shit, how are you all coming on my ShitMail scans? I have hopes
that on May 14(My birthday), I will receive representative samples of your
bowel movements, all scanned and uuencoded. Then, whenever I read mail from
you under X, I get to see what your shit looks like[*]. jpg are great, and
24-bit color is preferable.
*
SunSoft, in their adverts for Solaris, use ShitMail as a demonstrative app.
You've seen them, I am sure. They show Sun CEO Scott McNealy's fresh BM.
What? You thought that was Scott? Oh, no! Look carefully. No human
could be allowed to live looking like such a fresh pile of dung. It must
be a BM...it must be a BM...
I thought it was very ballsy of them to show his shit in magazines of
relatively wide distribution.\dag
\dag
Some computer product adverts are getting quite gutsy, also.
Remember the Logitech baby advert in Mondo 2000 a year or two ago? Saved
and framed, thank you very much.
Then there is the ``Practice Safe Networking'' with the condom, and the
one with the PC taking a piss into a urine sample cup(the idea is, it is
so fast it must be on drugs).
Next, I want to see some company(I'm thinking Novell, in the immediate
future) advertising their CEO(Ray whatsiznuts, isn't it? Koorda or some
such fuck), fisting(a` la Caligula) Bill Gates, with Mrs. Gates-to-be
looking on with a gang of pygmy rastafarians fucking multiple puncture
wounds all over her body.
I would get more graphic, but I don't think anything else would be
allowed in [UNIX|PC]World, etc.
--
I'm the NAMBLA, and I vote! Art Taylor
126 Otis Street
reeses@{fab4box.wa|halcyon}.com (509)522-1178 Walla Walla, WA 99362
Ha Li
>[... an excellent suggestion that a World Standard Turd be laid ...]
>I volunteer, with the caveat that MY grogan might be a bit aberrant in
>the "largeness" category.
Excellent. Don't worry about the largeness of the turd. In fact, I'd say
having the World Standard Turd as being larger than average is a desirable
characteristic. We mere mortals could then say our turd is 0.68 the length of
the WST, or whatever. Think how proud we can then be when one of us manages
to grunt out something at 1.15 WST!
-Dave
Daniel Steven Reinker
>In article <9305050044.AA03013@pangaea.dme>, pha...@pangaea.dme.nt.gov.au (Mr. Hyde) writes:
>
>[... an excellent suggestion that a World Standard Turd be laid ...]
>
>I volunteer, with the caveat that MY grogan might be a bit aberrant in
>loaf on a marble stand for ya.
>
Sigh. I would volunteer, but unfortunately, I very rarely lay 'average'
turds. Most of my butt-children are abnormal in some respects, being
either abnormally large, abnormally liquid, or of some abnormal
texture. I long ago gave up my search for the 'perfect' shit, and
now consider myself an artist of fecality. I try to make each visit
to the toilet an adventure in self-expression. Often, if the results
are extraordinarily interesting looking, I will leave it there for
the next person to enjoy. Sadly, unlike painting, shitting is often
flushed by critics, censors, or the artistically challenged. (Those
who only look upon the throne as a means of emptying their bowels...
yes, it is true, there are people like that out there. Pity them,
teach them what it is to have vision.) But this is a price one
must pay for art. While I must decline in supplying the World
Standard Turd, if anyone is considering opening a Fecal Art
Gallery, I will gladly supply some samples of my work.
I consider my greatest achievement when the maid went into the
stall, and reportedly ran out screaming "You guys are animals!!!
Animals!!!" (In broken english, of course...after all, this IS
Los Angeles...) That was the time I decided to test my loaves adhesive
qualities by throwing the turdlets at the wall. (none stuck, they
all dripped down. :( )
Hiz Lord Dementia
--
"You can't help that. We're all mad here." - The Cheshire Cat, Alice in WL
"Twisting under schizophrenia/ Falling deep into Dementia" - Metallica
Subscribe to the CJ mailing list! Send e-mail to deme...@cheshire.oxy.edu.
Include your e-mail address!!!!
Mr. Hyde
the idea of nominating a "World Standard Turd" to aid our description and
classification of more aberrant examples. Turns out this general concept
is already in use in the science of toilet bowl and flusher design. I've
just come across a short article on this topic in New Scientist (3 Dec.
1987, pg. 38). The article summarises a report by the British Building
Research Establishment (BRE) and hints at how they conduct their tests
"in the field" and laboratory, mainly to determine how much water the
standard British crapper needs for each flush.
Here are a few extracts:
...[..extensive "field trials" by the BRE reveal that most WCs could flush
away all but the mightiest turds with 6 litres or less.]....
...[The test to check out turd flushing uses "a ball made of non-absorbent
material" with a relative density of 1.08 and a diameter of 43 millimetres.
The test ball must also conform as closely as possible to the national
standard turd in characteristics such as its "cohesive shear strength",
coefficient of friction, and adhesion properties.].....
....[Later field tests involving "close scrutiny" by "responsible local
staff" confirmed the findings. A minor problem is "slight fouling
occasionally occurring on the pan surface, close to the waterline".].....
....[The report proposes two new tests for compliance with a British
Standard. One is a scouring test to determine how efficient the WC is at
cleaning small "dobs" of faecal matter. Failure to clear dobs from the
rear of the pan is causing greatest concern.].....
The original New Scientist article prompted several letters to the editor
(published in the 24/31 Dec. 1987 edition), mainly asking how the
specifications of the "national standard turd" were determined and what
were they. One person pointed out that the "slight fouling" problem could
be solved by vigorous scrubbing with a long-handeled nylon brush.
I wonder how I go about getting a job with the BRE?
Sean McAfee
> That was the time I decided to test my loaves adhesive
> qualities by throwing the turdlets at the wall. (none stuck, they
>all dripped down. :( )
I did something like this on one of my very first Boy Scout camping trips.
The weekend campout was at this really run-down old Scout camp (Camp Ben
Johnson, if anyone in the SW Michigan area knows about it--I think it's now
defunct). All us Scouts went exploring on Satuday, as was our wont. We
found this building which turned out to be a kind of showering facility,
with a changing area and an open-air shower area. Weeds were growing out of
every available crack in this area. Feeling the need to take a dookie, I
dropped my Official Scout Trousers and coughed a respectable stump.
If I ever learned anything while in the Scouts, it was that one NEVER leaves
shit alone--human or animal--without doing something nasty with it (a.t.ers
who have been here a while may remember my other Scout story about nailing
my best buddy in the chest with a chunk of shit). In a burst of Tenderfoot
ingenuity, I plucked out one of the weeds from the floor and impaled my
freshly-laid log with the root end. Then I lofted the whole kit 'n'
kaboodle into the air. I can still see how it looked, turning perfectly in
flight like a lawn dart. Then it hit the shower-room wall. The weed
dropped down, but, fastened to the wall by my incredibly adhesive turd, did
not fall. My fellow Scouts cheered. Then we all got the fuck out of there
as fast as we could. :)
This has nothing to do with Airborne Kaka, but I had a rather amusing
thought last week. I was watching TBN, the Fundie Christian Cable Channel
(an auxiliary source of tastelessness in my life), when I saw a wild-eyed
preacher compare being a Christian to being a soldier in God's Army. I
thought, "Gee, does that mean being excommunicated is kind of like getting a
Section Eight?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"This machine is called a 'death-ray projector' and a Sean McAfee
ruby is put in to act on the light molecules. Thus, the smmc...@mtu.edu
waves of light are broken down." --from "Gamera vs. Barugon"
Sean McAfee
>A couple of days ago in article <9305050044.AA0301@pangaea.dme> I posted
>the idea of nominating a "World Standard Turd" to aid our description and
>classification of more aberrant examples. Turns out this general concept
>is already in use in the science of toilet bowl and flusher design. I've
>just come across a short article on this topic in New Scientist (3 Dec.
>1987, pg. 38). The article summarises a report by the British Building
>Research Establishment (BRE) and hints at how they conduct their tests
>"in the field" and laboratory, mainly to determine how much water the
>standard British crapper needs for each flush.
This reminds me for some reason of an article I saw in "Omni" magazine a few
years back. It seems some scientists were interested in how much support
various brands of brassieres provided. So what did they do? They set up
a treadmill in front of a camera, and had several young ladies jog on the
treadmill while the camera captured the up-and-down motion of their titties.
Each women wore a different brand of bra, and there may have been one control
group that exercised topless (I'm not sure about this, though). By reviewing
the tape later, the scientists were able to calculate the average distance
covered by the ladies' nipples.
I just wonder how many times the scientists had to watch the tape to make
a reliable computation.
Charles R. Tenney
[...]
>This has nothing to do with Airborne Kaka, but I had a rather amusing
>thought last week. I was watching TBN, the Fundie Christian Cable Channel
>(an auxiliary source of tastelessness in my life), when I saw a wild-eyed
My father has proposed that the more vocal and politically active Fundies
be referred to as "Fundaments." I actually didn't get it until I was
reading _Devils, Drugs, and Doctors_ (about the history of medicine, and
a wellspring of info on barbaric middle-age and Renaissance medical practices).
In the part on the beginnings of modern surgury, reference is made to
"ligature of the fundament [rectum]."
Since "ligature" means "sewing up," this could lead to certain interesting
problems. But it's probably something more mundane, like hemorrhoid surgury.
--
--
Charles R. Tenney charles...@unc.edu | What would the UNC school of
| Medicine want with my opinions?
"My karma ran over my dogma." | What would I want with theirs?
quir...@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz
: This reminds me for some reason of an article I saw in "Omni" magazine a few
: years back. It seems some scientists were interested in how much support
: various brands of brassieres provided. So what did they do? They set up
: a treadmill in front of a camera, and had several young ladies jog on the
: treadmill while the camera captured the up-and-down motion of their titties.
: Each women wore a different brand of bra, and there may have been one control
: group that exercised topless (I'm not sure about this, though). By reviewing
: the tape later, the scientists were able to calculate the average distance
: covered by the ladies' nipples.
: I just wonder how many times the scientists had to watch the tape to make
: a reliable computation.
Or how many times their notes had to be recopied due to unfortunate sticky
stains.
(Who said a Doctorate wasn't useful in today's world ?)
--
Tony Quirke, "Someone to lean on, that's your own.
Wellington, New Zealand. "Some magic conquers me and lives in my soul.
Quir...@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz "She comes like an ocean, and I hear you sing
"Love will conquer anything..." - Simple Minds
Sean McAfee
>ObTastelessness: This very evening upon returning from out of state, I
> shat the legendary Green Turd! Tears came to my eyes, angels wept,
> and ghostly images of Sean McAfee, Geoff Miller, and Murray Chapman
> appeared 'round the throne, silently applauding my chlorophyllic
> offspring...
Oh, gawrsh... *blush*
> I regret to announce that I ate so much this weekend that I don't know
> what ingredient is responsible for this event. Significantly, the one
> thing I definitely did NOT ingest was grape Kool-Aid...
It got so hot around here on Saturday, and I got so thirsty, that I went out
and bought a cannister of cherry Kool-Aid. I got ripped off; it didn't
taste like a ruptured hymen at all. :( But anyways, the next day I shit the
kind of shit that is perfectly described by the word "log". It brought a
tear to my eye to see my tree-like creation lounging in the bowl, like a
lion in his den (tm).
By-the-by, I've done a couple of shits in recent weeks that don't seem to
fit any of the categories defined under the Uniform Shit Code (which is
otherwise excellent). It feels like a nice big log is going to slide out,
but no sooner does the turd crown than a chunk falls off and plunges into
the toilet with a *plink!* I push again, the log inches past my sphincter,
and again, *plink!* as a piece breaks off. I go through whole shits this
way. No fecal cohesion at all.
Anyone else experience this bizarre phenomenon?
Thomas A. Dennis
>By-the-by, I've done a couple of shits in recent weeks that don't seem to
>fit any of the categories defined under the Uniform Shit Code (which is
>otherwise excellent). It feels like a nice big log is going to slide out,
>but no sooner does the turd crown than a chunk falls off and plunges into
>the toilet with a *plink!* I push again, the log inches past my sphincter,
>and again, *plink!* as a piece breaks off. I go through whole shits this
>way. No fecal cohesion at all.
>Anyone else experience this bizarre phenomenon?
Are they solid little balls? I call this the "grapeshot effect."
Tom "Fire all batteries" D.
--
Tom Dennis | "Our children have left us and we have no heads
Urbana, IL | We drink and we sing and we drink and we die."
(217) 384-2504 | Denis Leary, "Traditional Irish Folk Song"
Weirdo
: ObTastelessness: This very evening upon returning from out of state, I
: and ghostly images of Sean McAfee, Geoff Miller, and Murray Chapman
: appeared 'round the throne, silently applauding my chlorophyllic
: offspring...
: I regret to announce that I ate so much this weekend that I don't know
: thing I definitely did NOT ingest was grape Kool-Aid...
:
: Chris "Chlorophyll Colon" Chiesa
: xet...@shell.portal.com
I, too, have shat the Green Turd... And, fortunately for all you a.t.'ers,
I know exactly what the 'magic ingredient' was:
It was the summer of '81, and I had been on vacation in Gatlinburg,
Tennessee. It was hot as hell, even there in the mountains [Great Smoky
Mountains, for the geographically challenged]. Seeking to quench my
thirst, I stumbled into a strange looking "sweet shop" which had a large
sign out front touting some kind of "tropical ices." Since they had over
100 flavors, I was having a hard time choosing one. The dark-skinned guy
behind the counter (who was probably a terrorist trying to turn over a new
leaf) suggested the "bubble gum" flavored ice.
Taking Abdul Mohammed's (probably his name) advice, I ordered a large, and
was amazed to see that it was a brilliant blue in color. I gulped the vile
concoction down, and thought nothing of it until the next day when I took
a dump.
I'm the sort that always checks the toilet paper while wiping, and on this
particular day was alarmed to see something akin to a grass stain (albeit
a rather lumpy, mushy one) on the paper. I jumped up, spun around and
peered into the bowl. There, lying on the bottom of the pristine porceline
altar was a BRIGHT GREEN TURD! This was the type of green one usually only
sees on the plumage of parrots or some other tropical fowl. It was truly a
sight to behold.
At first, I was sure that I had been stricken with some rare, deadly
malady, and would probably be dead before sundown. But thinking back, I
remembered the wild grin & sparkle of the eye when the 'Mad Arab' had
suggested I try the bubble gum ice. I guess old habits are hard to break,
and he had gone from blowing up school buses to sabotaging bowel
movements. A "fecal terrorist" of the first degree, if you will.
Much to my suprise & delight, the effect lasted for almost THREE days, at
which point my stool returned to a normal, healthy (& boring) brown.
--
sti...@speedway.net
Mark Leonard
Talking of green turds:
A friend of mine and myself got started on a drinking session by
downing a bottle of Blue Curacoe (can't remember how you spell it)
The next day we were both surprised to find we had green shits.
I can heartily recommend this simple method. The paper turns a lovely
shade, and the shit itself seems almost to glow.
May I suggest dumping in a public toilet so that all can admire it?
Mark Leonard
In article <C6uDz...@news.cso.uiuc.edu>, den...@alexia.lis.uiuc.edu (Thomas A. Dennis) writes:
|>Newsgroups: alt.tasteless
|>Path: sun.rhbnc.ac.uk!doc.ic.ac.uk!mrccrc!dcs.warwick.ac.uk!warwick!pipex!uunet!cs.utexas.edu!uwm.edu!ux1.cso.uiuc.edu!news.cso.uiuc.edu!alexia!dennis
|>From: den...@alexia.lis.uiuc.edu (Thomas A. Dennis)
|>Subject: Re: Uniform Shit Code v0.1
|>Date: Tue, 11 May 93 03:07:00 WET
|>Message-ID: <C6uDz...@news.cso.uiuc.edu>
|>References: <C6Kx0...@unix.portal.com> <C6L1z...@vcd.hp.com>
|>Sender: use...@news.cso.uiuc.edu (Net Noise owner)
|>Organization: University of Illinois at Urbana
|>Lines: 19
|>
|>In <1993May10....@mtu.edu> smmc...@mtu.edu (Sean McAfee) writes:
|>
|>>By-the-by, I've done a couple of shits in recent weeks that don't seem to
|>>fit any of the categories defined under the Uniform Shit Code (which is
|>>otherwise excellent). It feels like a nice big log is going to slide out,
|>>but no sooner does the turd crown than a chunk falls off and plunges into
|>>the toilet with a *plink!* I push again, the log inches past my sphincter,
|>>and again, *plink!* as a piece breaks off. I go through whole shits this
|>>way. No fecal cohesion at all.
|>
|>>Anyone else experience this bizarre phenomenon?
|>
|>Are they solid little balls? I call this the "grapeshot effect."
|>
Yeh, I get this as well. A good idea is to hold a piece of toilet tissue
underneath your backside and catch them as they come out (use your hand
if you really feel like it).
When it snows you can take them outside and roll them around on the ground.
This makes a more interesting snowball than the usual. I love to watch them
splat into the faces of annoying little brats who think throwing snowballs
at their betters is fun.
Brett Lymn
>The test ball must also conform as closely as possible to the national
>standard turd in characteristics such as its "cohesive shear strength",
>coefficient of friction, and adhesion properties.].....
I *need* this standard, just the other day my SO and I were watching
"Old Devils" (an adaption of a Kingsley Amis book) and there was a
character that was boring others with his good health, the following
was one of his lines:
"My bowel motions are large and perfectly formed"
Which started the following conversation:
SO: "What is a perfectly formed turd?"
ME: "One that is tapered at both ends, so it comes out smoothly and
your arsehole does not shut with a bang"
SO: "I have never heard an arsehole shut with a bang"
ME: "Then you must have perfectly formed turds"
If I had had the standard turd then we would have both had a clear
idea of the ideal turd to which Mr. Amis was clearly alluding.
--
Brett Lymn