shit list

[hk kahng]

What follows is something I found in my (snail)mailbox a few days ago.

-

THE SHIT LIST

GHOST SHIT - that's the kind of shit where you feel the shit come out, have shit
on the toilet paper, but there is no shit in the toilet.

CLEAN SHIT - the kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is
nothing on the toilet paper.

WET SHIT - the kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels
unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your
underwear so you don't ruin them with a brown stain.

SECOND WAVE SHIT - it happens when you're done shitting, you've pulled your
pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to shit some more.

BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT or POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD SHIT -
the kind where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a
stroke.

RICHARD SIMMONS SHIT - the kind where you shit so much you lose 30 pounds.

CORN SHIT - self explanatory.

LINCOLN LOG SHIT - the kind of shit that is so huge, that you're afraid to
flush the toilet without breaking it into a few pieces with your toilet brush...

DRINKERS SHIT - the kind of shit that you have the morning after a long night of
drinking. its most noticeable trait is the tread marks left on the bottom of the
toilet.

"GEE, I WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT - it's the kind where you want to shit but all
you do is sit on the toilet cramped and fart a few times.

SPINAL TAP SHIT - that's the kind where it hurts so much coming out that you
swear it was leaving sideways.

WET CHEEKS SHIT or THE POWER DUMP - that's the kind that comes out your ass so
fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

LIQUID SHIT - that's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your
butt, splatters all over the inside of your toilet bowl, the whole time
chronically burning your tender anus.

MEXICAN FOOD SHIT - a class all its own.

-

hk kahng | "this compact disc is made from analog masters recorded
h...@owlnet.rice.edu | without noise reduction. half the tracks, in fact, were
rice university | recorded in a dismal, cheap basement eight-track studio
houston, texas | with puddles of water on the floor. digital technology
| will now faithfully reproduce these noisy, low-fi, un-
| professional masters at great expense.
| feel stupid yet?"

[Only 13 more shopping days until Christmas]

h...@elf.rice.edu (hk kahng) writes:
>MEXICAN FOOD SHIT - a class all its own.

Come on ice cream! Come on ice cream!
--
Andrew Scott Beals
abe...@autodesk.com

[MA...@lure.latrobe.edu.au]

In article <1990Dec12.0...@rice.edu>, h...@elf.rice.edu (hk kahng) writes:
>
> THE SHIT LIST
>
[A truly tasteless document. The author is to be commended]
>
> hk kahng

Which reminds of certain medical terms for naming special varieties of shit.

FAECOLITHS-- These are shits that have petrified within the colon.
This will occur in people who are very constipated. The turds
are rock hard and too daunting to deliver. A medical procedure known as
MANUAL FAECAL DISEMPACTION is required. This involves a doctor donning
gloves, using a device to widen the anus for easier access and manually
retrieving the nether nuggets. As the faecoliths have been retained in
the bowel for several weeks, the smell is unbelievable.

STEATARRHAEA-- Worse than diarrhaea. I don't remember the cause of this.
The stool is runny like diarrheae, but smells unbearably bad, and has a
beige colour. Looks like a pale Chicken Makhani.

MOCONIUM-- I don't understand this at all. Apparently, the foetus will
have a shit occasionally while floating around in the amniotic fluid.
How, if it isn't eating anything? Anyway, this stuff is called moconium.
Not as bad as standard shit, as the foetal gut is sterile. Imagine that:
during your gestation, you may have been floating around in your own shit!

[Craig Alexander]

In article <1990Dec12.0...@rice.edu> h...@elf.rice.edu (hk kahng) writes:
>
>LINCOLN LOG SHIT - the kind of shit that is so huge, that you're afraid to
>flush the toilet without breaking it into a few pieces with your toilet brush...

We used to call that "Laying a Trout". In fact the really big ones
were so huge that they would wrap around themselves and lay up
against the side of the bowl. Times like these required that you
take a picture of it and proudly display it to your fellow apt/dorm mates.

--
Craig Alexander **** cale...@castor.usc.edu

[Stephen Mounsey]

In article <48...@lure.latrobe.edu.au>, MA...@lure.latrobe.edu.au writes:
>
> STEATARRHAEA-- Worse than diarrhaea. I don't remember the cause of this.

STEATORRHEA - specifically denotes, I believe, a very high fat content
in the stool.

>
> MOCONIUM-- I don't understand this at all. Apparently, the foetus will

MECONIUM - is fecal matter produced by the neonate (i.e. newborn). I
don't believe that any evacuation occurs in utero.

- Stephen.

[Steve Coltrin]

sj...@eng.cam.ac.uk (Stephen Mounsey) writes:

>MECONIUM - is fecal matter produced by the neonate (i.e. newborn). I
>don't believe that any evacuation occurs in utero.

Normally it doesn't, but it is a symptom of oxygen starvation in
a difficult birth, causing a green tinge to the amniotic fluid.
The origin of meconium is sloughed-off cells from the intestinal
lining, which occurs throughout life (so if you take your sustenance through
IV tube, you'll still have to take a dump now and then.)

> - Stephen.

--
spco...@uokmax.ecn.uoknor.edu (129.15.22.2)
"We're not a hundred percent sure. The interpreter went with them."