Pope-jokes
Anonymous
Michael Hager <michae...@stud.uni-muenchen.de> wrote:
> hi, I´m looking for jokes with or about the pope. please mail me,
> thanks.
Here's one of the best ones I've heard:
The pope was struggling with celibacy and his sexual desires. He tried
prayer, fasting, reciting the Rosary, all to no avail. Running out of
options, the pope found a secluded spot in the Vatican basement and
proceeded to masturbate. Midway through this little endeavor, he was
startled by a bright flash of light and the unmistakeable sound of a
camera shutter clicking, followed by the hasty retreat of footsteps.
Knowing he'd been caught, he waited for the inevitable. Sure enough,
a few days later a large envelope arrived with a photo clearly showing
his sin and a demand for payment of the equivalent of $1 million or
else the photo would be sold to the tabloids.
After consulting with his advisors, it was decided that the money should
be paid to avoid embarassment to the Catholic Church. The stipulation
was added, however, that not only the negatives and all prints should be
turned over to the Vatican, but the camera as well. The arrangements were
made and the exchange took place.
Feeling guilty about not only having sinned, but also having cost the
church a million dollars, the pope decided that as his penance he should
wear the camera for the rest of his life as a reminder.
With the episode finally behind him, the pope was strolling the grounds
of the Vatican when he encountered a group of Japanese tourists. After
exchanging pleasantries, one of the tourists admired the pope's camera.
When the pope was asked how much it cost, the pope replied, "$1 million".
The startled tourist exclaimed, "A million bucks? Someone must have seen
you coming!"
--
Dave
Bill went out one Saturday and bought the biggest, top of the line barbeque
one day. He was very excited about it and wanted to try it out as soon as he
could. He was putting it together in his backyard when his neighbour called
over the fence "Hey Bill ... I hear the Pope is in a parade in town today ...
are you gonna go see him?"
Bill said "The pope??? I really like him, but I just got this new Binford
Barbeque and I want to try it out."
"No problem" says his neighbour, "Take the barbeque with you"
"Great idea! I'll do it"
So he packs up his new BBQ and hauls it downtown. His neighbour is watching
the parade later in the day and sees Bill along the parade route flipping
burgers on his new BBQ, when the Pope comes up to him and makes the sign of
the cross in front of him. "Holy shit, Bill got blessed by the Pope!" he says,
and can't wait for Bill to get home so he can talk to him about it. When Bill
gets home he says "I saw you get blessed by the Pope on TV ... what did he say
to you???
::Hand gestures make the joke here::
(Making the sign of the cross)
"He said ... You ... and your fucking BBQ ... get the fuck ... outta here!!!"
Richard J.Standing
On Tue, 4 Nov 1997, Anonymous wrote:
> Michael Hager <michae...@stud.uni-muenchen.de> wrote:
>
> > hi, I´m looking for jokes with or about the pope. please mail me,
> > thanks.
>
When the Pope last visited Ireland, his plane was due to have landed in
Dublin, but was diverted to Shannon because of fog. The chauffeur was
ordered to rush round to Shannon to meet him, and got there just as the
Pope's plane landed. The Pope got out, kissed the ground, then spotted the
gleaming white Rolls Royce on the runway. His eyes lit up. "I've always
wanted to drive one of these," he sdaid to the chauffeur. "Get in the
back." The chauffeur protested, but did as he was told. The Pope drove
around for a bit to get used to the car, then glanced at his watch and saw
that he was very late for his appointment in Dublin. In an effort to get
there on time, he floored the accelerator, and before long the car was
doing over 100mph, but hadn't gone very far before a police car came
alongside it, and forced the Rolls Royce to pull over. The policeman
walked over and looked at the driver's license, then walked a few steps
away to radio his superior officer.
"I've just caught someone very important speeding. What shall I do?"
"Who is he? Is he more important than the President?"
"Yes, more important than that!"
"More important than Terry Wogan?"
"Yes, far more important."
"Well, who is it?"
"I don't know, but he's obviously very important. He's being driven by
the Pope."
During a Test match at Lord's in the 1970s, the commentators were
warned that a new Pope was being elected, and the moment the smoke came
from the chimney at the Vatican, the BBC would put on a news flash as to
who the new Pope would be. While the commentetors were waiting for it to
happen, the chimney of the Lord's Tavern caught fire in a cloud of thick
black smoke. The cameras focused on it so Brian Johnston could say "That's
it! Jim swanton's been elected Pope!"