Fag Jokes

[Frankie...@webtv.net]

What's the definition of "Tender Love?"
A: Two faggots with hemorrhoids.
Q: Did you hear about the two poofters who went to London?
A: They were REALLY pissed off when they found out Big Ben
.was a clock.
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There were three faggots who wanted to commit suicide. The first one
landed on the road and it took two weeks to scrape him off the road. The
second one landed on a car and it took two months to peel him off the
car. The third one landed on a flagpole and it took two years to get the
smile off his face!
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Q. Did you hear about the faggot undertaker?
A. He called his mates around to suck on a few cold ones!
Q: How can you tell if your little boy will grow up to be homosexual?
A: He likes to play Lick the Can.
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Two faggots were visiting a zoo, when they found themselves at the
gorilla cage. The gorilla was sitting there with a huge erection. Unable
to contain himself one of the men reaches in to touch it. As soon as his
arm goes into the cage, the gorilla grabs him, and takes him into the
cage... slams him to the floor and fucks him senseless. A few days later
in hospital the boyfriend visits and asks his partner if he is hurt...
"Hurt... Hurt... You bet I'm hurt. He hasn't phoned, he hasn't
written..."
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Q: What does a poof and an ambulance have in common?
A: They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!
Q: Did you hear the miracle plan announced in Congress
for ending AIDS?
A: Tell all the faggots to sit down and shut up.
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Six mates were seated at the bar, each trying to impress one another
with the size of their dicks. The bragging went on for almost an hour,
and the bartender got tired of hearing that shit, so he said, "Let's put
an end to all this crap and find out who's lying and who isn't. Each of
you whip out your dong and lay it on the bar." All six of then did. Just
at that moment a faggot walked into the bar, and the bartender asked him
if he wanted a drink. The queer looked down the bar, and in a lisping
voice, he said, "No thanks, I'll just have some of the buffet."
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Q: How do you get four faggots to share a barstool?
Q: Turn it upside down!
Q: How do you get them off?
A: Shake It!
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Two faggots decide that they want to have a baby, but they
don't want to adopt because they want the baby to be as close to their
own as possible. So they both masturbate into a cup and have a doctor
use their sperm to impregnate a female friend of theirs. Nine months
later, the two fags are looking at their baby in the hospital nursery.
All of the babies are crying and screaming except for theirs. "Wow," one
of the fags says, "Our baby is the most well behaved one in here." A
nurse who happens to be walking by says, "Now he's quiet, but wait till
we take the pacifier out of his ass."
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Q: What do you call a fag that doesn't have aids?
A: A lucky cocksucker.
Q: What did one gerbil say to the other when they saw the faggot
….swish into the pet store?
A: "Don't panic! Just turn your back and act like a dog!"
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What is the difference between a Hobo and a Homo?
A Hobo is a loner who doesn't have any friends.
A Homo has friends up the arse.
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Q: How can you tell if you are in a gay amusement park?
A: They issue gerbils at the tunnel of love.
Q: Did you know 70% of the faggot population were born that way?
A: The other 30% were sucked into it.
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A faggot hadn't had any sex for quite some time. One night,
he happened to run into a wino just outside of a gay bar. He said to
him, "Look, I do not know you, and you don't know me, but if I can have
sex with you, I'll give you fifty bucks!" The wino considered
this proposition and said, "well---okay. But you ought to be
forewarned that I have crabs." "That's all right," said the faggot... "I
love seafood."
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Q: What did the poof do when he missed his boyfriend?
A: He shit in his hand and had a wank.
Q: How do faggots spell relief?
A: N-O-A-I-D-S.
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A faggot visited his bum buddy in the hospital. "What did they do?" he
asked his pillow biting boyfriend lying in the bed. "They removed my
tonsils, pulled out my teeth, and cut out my hemorrhoids." "My God,"
gasped the poo bandit. "A complete hysterectomy!"
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Q: Hear about the new gay sitcom?
A: "Leave it, it's Beaver."
Q: Did you hear about the gay rabbit?
A: He found a hare up his ass.
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Because of a bad case of hemorrhoids, a faggot went to his doctor. The
physician prescribed suppositories, but when it came time to use them
the young man was afraid he would do it wrong. So he went into the
bathroom and, bending over, looked through his legs into the mirror to
line up the target. All of a sudden, his penis became stiff and blocked
his view. "Oh, stop it," the young man scolded his organ, "it's only
me!"
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Q: What is a shit?
A: A faggot's wet dream.
Q: What does AIDS stand for?
A: Arsehole Injected Death Sentence!
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A little boy about five years old, runs into the kitchen, with his hands
cupped in front of him.
"Mummy, mummy, is there such a thing as a Mummy-long-leg spiders?" "No
Johnny," mum replies, "They're all daddy-long-leg spiders." Upon hearing
this, Johnny slams his palms together and adds a quick twist, muttering,
"Bloody poofters!"
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Q: How can you tell if a novel is homosexual?
A: The hero always gets his man in the end.
Q: How can you tell if a Western is homosexual?
A: All the good guys are hung.
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ROBIN HOOD
(The Untold Story)
You've heard the tale of Robin Hood
And how he did poor people good
There is more to this famous story
of Sherwood Forest's pride and glory
At night when all the robbing was done
The merry men would have some fun
In fact it would be fair to say
The merry men were rather gay
As Little John starts to unwind
Robin takes him from behind
As they frolic in the grass
Robin rams it up his arse
One night when they were all at play
A gorgeous maiden came their way
She sauntered up to Friar Tuck
And said "I'm Marion - wanna fuck?"
Friar could not believe his ears
"She's offering sex to all us queers!"
While he recovered from the shock
Robin presented her with his cock
Marion's clothes were off in a flash
And three merry men all had a bash
For Marion this was sheer bliss
As they filler her every orifice
When all was done she gave a whine
"Thank you boys for a lovely time.
But for your pleasure you must pay
I've got the pox - have a nice day."
"Now listen here" said Friar Tuck
"We really don't give a fuck"
"The laughs on you, you silly cow"
"We're all got AIDS - so who's fucked now!"
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Q: Did you hear about the Gay magician?
A: He vanished with a poof.
Q: How can you tell if a household is homosexual?
A: The welcome mat reads: "Please wipe your knees."
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From Pablo in Tofino B.C. Canada
There once was this bum fucking faggot!
He'd see anything male, and he'd shag it!
One day he fucked the wrong ass
Now he's pushing up grass
And his only mate is a maggot!
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Q: What do you call two faggots on a waterbed?
A: A fruit float!
Q: Why are faggots always the quickest out of a burning building?
A: Because they've already got their shit packed.
Q: How does a faggot fake an orgasm?
A: He spits on your back.
Q: How do faggots dispose of their condoms?
A: By Farting.
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From Danny Ragan in the USA
Q: What do you call a fag in a sleeping bag?
A: A fruit rollup.
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Q: Why can't scientists find a cure for AIDS?
A: They can't get the laboratory mice to butt fuck.
Q: Did you hear about the new disease gay musicians are
….coming down with?
A: Bandaids!
Q: What did the bishop do when the priest admitted his homosexuality?
A: He defrocked him.
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Two faggots are living together. Bruce goes out to work while Cyril
stays at home everyday to do the housework.
One day Bruce comes home and finds Cyril with his bum in the fridge.
"What are you doing Cyril?" he asks, to which Cyril replies, "Oh Bruce,
I thought you might like something nice and cool to slip into when you
came home."
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From Adam
Q: What do you call a gay dentist?
A: The tooth fairy!
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Q: Did you hear about the two Scottish poofters?
A: Ben Doon and Phil McCrevis.
Q: What do you call two Irish poofters?
A: Patrick Fitzhenry and Henry Fitzpatrick.
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Two faggots are in a hot tub pushing a big turd back and forth in the
water. Another fag walks by and asks, "What the hell are you two doing?"
"We are teaching our baby to swim!"
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Q: Why do fags make lousy Santa's?
A: Instead of filling your stockings, they try them on.
Q: Why did the faggot take two aspirin with his viagra?
A: So sex wouldn't be such a pain in the arse.
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Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room
after his wife gives birth to their son.
Michael says, "How long before we can have sex?"
The doctor says, "At least wait until he's walking."
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Q: Did you hear about the two faggot judges?
A: They tried each other.
Q: What's a homosexual masochist?
A: A sucker for punishment.
Q: What would you call a poof with a hard on?
A: A can opener.
Q: How do you know you've walked into a homosexual church service?
A: Only half the congregation are kneeling.
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If you had a poofter on your back, would you leave
him there or pull him off?
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Q: What do you get when you cross a homo Eskimo and a black?
A: A snowblower that doesn't work.
Q: Did you hear about the new breakfast cereal called Queerios?
A: Add milk, and they eat themselves!
Q: What do you call a homo Jewish Male?
A: A Heblew.
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These poofs were sitting in a spa, and generally enjoying the spa
bubbles, when a great stinking wad of semen rises to the surface. The
first poof looks straight at the second one and said "DID YOU?", to
which the other replied "No" and so he looked at the third one and said
"DID YOU?" to which the other replied. "No" so he looked at the fourth
one and said "DID YOU?" to which the other replied "No". The first one
looked at the other three once more and yelled "OK! Who the fuck
Farted?"
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Q: Did you hear about the faggot truckers?
A: They exchanged loads.
Q: Have you heard about the Faggot Patch Dolls?
A: They come with A.I.D.S. and a death certificate.
Two faggots were on the beach, one says to the other, "shall I put the
umbrella up?" The other one replies, "yes but don't open it!"
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President Clinton's Queen Berets
Falling fairies from the sky,
I broke my nail, Oh I could cry.
Don't you like how my tush sways?
We are the fags of the Queen Berets.
Bill Clinton's words upon my ears,
"You guys have rights, be proud you queers.
I once was scared, now I'm okay,
Cause I'm a fag in the Queen Berets.
Put silver earclips on my nuts,
I love the pain, now spank my butt.
The way you walk is awfully cute.
I sure would like to pack your chute.
This Navy stuff is awfully slick,
Free meals and clothes and lots of dicks.
When I retire, I'll still get paid,
I thank you Bill, from the Queen Berets.
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Q: What do you call a fag bar with no bar stools?
A: A fruit stand!
Q: If three faggots are in bed, what do you call the one in the middle?
A: A double-adapter!
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Two fags were walking down the street and passed a handsome guy. One fag
turned to the other and said, "See that stud there, Steve?" "Sure."
"Well, let me tell you, he's a tremendous fuck!"
"No shit?" Steve asked.
"Well, hardly any."
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Q: What do you call the foreskin on a faggot?
A: Mud flaps.
Q: What do you call a fag in a wheelchair?
A: Rolaids.
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A poof finally decided he could no longer hide his sexuality from his
parents, he went over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen
cooking dinner.
He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I
have something to tell you, I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the poof was about to
repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the
pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, doesn't that mean
that men put their penises into your anus?" "Yes mom they do."
And you put other men's penises in your mouth?"
The faggot said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, I do."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around,
and whacked him over the head with a frypan and said, "Don't you dare
complain about the taste of my cooking ever again!
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Q: Which is better, being born black or gay?
A: Black, because you don't have to tell your parents.
Q: What's the definition of a poofter?
A: A bloke who enlarges the circle of his friends!
Q: Did you hear about the two poofters in a telephone box?
A: They were trying to ring each other!
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There was an auto race from San Francisco to Miami between a car load of
fags and a car load of lesbians. Who arrived in Miami first? The
lesbians did. They "headed" down highway 69 doing lickitty split while
the fags were still in San Francisco packing their shit!
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Q: What is the most popular pickup line in a gay bar?
A: Hey big guy, would you like me to push up your stool?
Q: What's worse than your best friend telling you that he's a faggot?
A: When he tells you that he fucked you that night you passed out drunk
.on his couch!
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A faggot rushes into the emergency room. He is screaming and after an
examination the doctors determine the problem. He has a vibrator stuck
up his arse.
"Mr. Stevens," says the doctor, "I have good news and bad news. We are
going to be able to remove the item however..."
"NO, NO!" screams the fag. "I don't want it removed, I just want to know
how to change the batteries!"
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Q: What's the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo?
A: At a straight rodeo, everybody yells, "ride them suckers!"
Q: How can you tell if a bank robber is gay?
A: He ties up the safe and blows the guard.
Q: What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?
A: A fruit stand!
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Steve and Elton, a pair of homosexual lovers, went hiking.
Steve ducked behind a bush when he felt nature calling.
Suddenly he cried out, "How terrible! I miscarried! I miscarried! Here
is a little arm! There is a little leg! This is so awful!" "Shut up, you
fucking idiot!" Elton scolded. "You just shit on a frog!"
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Q: What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
A: Male fraud.
Q: Did you hear about the homo Indian?
A: He was a brave sucker.
Q: What happened when three poofs attack a women?
A: Two of them held her down, and the other started doing her hair.
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Two British faggots were standing on Circular Quay looking out over the
harbour. One of them pointed to a ferry and asked, "Elton, what's that?"
"That's a ferry-boat, George my love," answered Elton. "Oooh!" Squealed
George, "I knew there was a lot of us, but I didn't know we had our own
navy!"
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Q: What did the homo sea captain give his boyfriend for his birthday.?
A: A tug
Q: Did you hear about the homosexual electron?
A: It went around blowing fuses
Q: What do you call a homosexual dinosaur?
A: A Megasorarse!
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This guy walks into a gay bar. He's a newly-discovered gay and has come
to the bar to find a couple of flings. Anyway, he's sitting at the bar,
eating, drinking, checking out the crowd, when he has the sudden urge to
fart. He looks around and sees the other people farting nicely. One
'pssssttttt' here and another 'psssssttttt' there. He decides, what the
hell, and farts: a loud 'brrrrrrrrrrrtttttttt'. All of a sudden, the bar
is quiet, and everyone points at him and shouts 'VIRGIN!!!'
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Q: Did you hear about the two fags who had an argument in a
….poofter bar?
A: They went outside to exchange blows.
Q: What did the poof say when he saw Jesus hanging from the cross?
A: "Good God you're well-hung!"
Q: What's the hardest thing about AIDS?
A: Leaving your friends behind.
Q: Why are there so many poofters in the British aristocracy?
A: Have you seen their women?
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An Ode to Freddie Mercury, to the tune of "Bohemian Rhapsody":
…………………Bum Me A Man Rhapsody.
………………………An ode to Freddie
IS THIS THE REAL LIFE
IS THIS JUST FANTASY
CAUGHT WITH MY PANTS DOWN
NO ESCAPE FROM REALITY
OPEN YOUR THIGHS
LOOK UP TO THE SKIES AND FEEL...
I'M JUST A SMALL BOY
LIVE OUT YOUR FANTASIES
BECAUSE I EASE IT IN, EASE IT OUT
I WON'T STOP 'TIL YOU SHOUT
PUT IT WHERE THE WIND BLOWS
ANYWAYS ALRIGHT BY ME, BY ME.
MAMA, JUST KILLED A MAN
I WAS GIVING HIM SOME HEAD
GAVE HIM AIDS AND NOW HE'S DEAD
MAMA, I'D NOT EVEN COME
BUT NOW I'VE GONE AND BLOWN THEM ALL AWAY
MAMA, OOH OOH OOH OOH DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE YOU CRY
IF I'VE NOT CUM AGAIN THIS TIME TOMORROW
CARRY ON, CARRY ON, UNTIL MY ARSE IS SHATTERED
TOO LATE, YOU'VE HAD MY BUM
SENT SHIVERS DOWN MY SPINE
BOTTOM ACHING ALL THE TIME
GOODBYE EVERYBODY, I'VE GOT AIDS YOU KNOW
I WAS TAKEN FROM BEHIND, IT SENT ME BLIND.
MAMA, OOH OOH OOH OOH, I DON'T WANNA DIE.
I SOMETIMES WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BLOWN AT ALL...
I SEE A LITTLE SILHOUETTO OF A MAN,
HAVE A GO, HAVE A GO, CAN YOU DO THE GANG BANGO
THUNDERBOLT AND LIGHTNING YOU CAN STICK IT TIGHT IN ME
FUCKING GAY..O, FUCKING GAY..O
FUCKING GAY..O, FUCKING GAY..O
MAGNIFICO-O-O-O-O
I'M JUST A RENT BOY, NOBODY PAYS ME
HE'S JUST A RENT BOY FROM A GAY FAMILY
DON'T REALLY CARE WHO STICKS A WILLY INSIDE ME
EASY SUCK, EASY BLOW, LET ME HAVE A GO
BISHMILLAH NO WE WILL NOT LET YOU BLOW
LET ME BLOW, BISHMILLAH WE WILL NOT LET YOU BLOW
WILL NOT LET YOU BLOW, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER LET YOU BLOW NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, OH MAMA MIA, MAMA MIA LET ME BLOW BEELZABUB HAS A
DEVIL PUT A BLOB ON MEEE, ON MEEE ON MEEEEEEE SO YOU THINK YOU CAN SHAG
ME AND FUCK UP MY LIFE
IF YOU DO, I WILL RUN AND TELL THIS TO YOUR WIFE
OH, BABIES, I JUST WANNA HAVE BABIES
JUST TAKE IT OUT, JUST TAKE IT OUT OF MY EAR...
NOTHING REALLY MATTERS, ANYONE CAN SEE,
MY ARSEHOLE IS IN RUINS, ARSEHOLE IS IN RUINS FOR FREE
TAKE ME WHERE THE DEAD GO... BONK.
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Lesbian Jokes
Q: What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
A: You know, we do taste like chicken.
Q: What's the Latin name for a lesbian?
A: Strapadictomy.
Q: What do you call lesbian twins?
A: "Lick-a-likes".
Q: What is the leading cause of death among lesbians?
A: Hairballs.
Q: Did you hear about the lesbian who took Viagra?
A: She couldn't get her tongue back in her mouth for a week!
Q: What do you call a thick fingered lesbian?
A: Well hung.
Q: Why are lesbians fatter than straight women?
A: Because they're always eating out and don't do dick.
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This bloke walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a meal. Two
girls come in and sit at a table near him.
"Waiter," says the bloke. "A bottle of your finest wine for my two
friends here."
"Look mate," replied the waiter. "They're lesbians. You won't get
anywhere with them."
The bloke insisted on the wine and the waiter shrugs and says, "It's
your bloody money but I warned you."
One of the girls comes over to his table and thanks him for the wine.
"That's OK," he replies. "Anything for you two beautiful girls."
"Right," she says. "So do you fancy my friend?" "I sure do," he replies.
"Would you like to smell her pussy?" she asks.
"Yeah," he gasps "You bet!" So she breathed on him!
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Q: What do lesbians need to get married?
A: A licker license.
Q: What do you call 25 lesbians stacked on top of one another?
A: A block of flaps.
Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: A Lickalotapuss!
Q: What do you call two lesbians paddling a canoe down the river?
A: Fur Traders!
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From C Riley in the USA
Q: What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
A: I'll see you next month.
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Two lesbians were standing at a bar drinking when another girl waved
from across the bar.
"Who is that chick?" one said to the other. "I'd sure like tog et her
spread out on my sheets."
"No you wouldn't," said the other. "She's hung like a doughnut."
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Q: What's the definition of frenzy?
A: Two blind lesbians walking through a fish market.
Q: What do two lesbians do when they're both menstruating?
A: Finger-paint.
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In order to save on vacation costs, two secretaries are rooming
together.
On the first night Jill turns to her friend Sally, puts her hand on her
shoulder, and says, "There's something I've been meaning to tell you
about myself. I'll be frank, I'm a lesbian." "That's OK," says Sally.
"I'll be Frank tomorrow night, I'm a lesbian too."
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Q: What's the new and politically correct name for Lesbian?
A: Vagitarian.
Q: What do you call a lesbian Eskimo?
A: Klondike.
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A lesbian was in the gynecologist's office one day, and as the doctor
began his examination, he remarked, "My, aren't we clean today?" "Yeah,"
replied the rug muncher, "I have a woman who comes in twice a week."
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Q: What is the name for a fight between two Chinese lesbians?
A: A tong war.
Q: How do you know that you are in a real lesbian bar?
A: Not even the pool table has balls.
Q: How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 19-One to change it and 18 to make a documentary about it.
Q: Why were lesbians invented?
A: So feminists wouldn't breed.
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There's a new tennis shoe on the market made strictly for lesbians, they
are called DYKYS.
Although most were called back because their tongues weren't long
enough.
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Q: How many screws are there in a lesbian's coffin?
A: None, it's all tongue-in-groove, with no studs.
Q: What do you call a closet full of lesbians?
A: A liquor cabinet
Q: What do you call 100 heavily-armed lesbians?
A: Militia Etheridge.
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A group of blind lesbians were bunchin'
Together to have a big luncheon.
But no one could tell,
Except by the smell,
Exactly whose cunt each was munchin'!
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Q: What do lesbians do after an argument?
A: The go home and lick each others wounds.
Q: What's the difference between a Ritz and a lesbian?
A: One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker.
Q: What did one lesbian say to the other?
A: Your face or mine?
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Frankie

[lab~rat]

On Tue, 31 Jul 2001 00:34:22 -0400 (EDT), Frankie...@webtv.net
wrote:

web tv
fag jokes

Cheeses, Frankie, you really got it goin' on.

--
lab~rat >:-)
Do you want polite or do you want sincere?

[ur_droll]

Q: What do you call the foreskin on a faggot?
A: Mud flaps.
Q: What do you call a fag in a wheelchair?
A: Rolaids.

.....(smiles)..... *LiCk*......