Unix Humor
G - P
% => user must run C- Shell (csh).
$ => user must run Bourne-Shell (sh).
% who is my match?
No match.
% sleep with me
bad character
% got a light?
No match.
% "How would you rate Reagan's incompetence?
Unmatched ".
% "How would you rate Reagan's senility?
Unmatched ".
% 'thou shalt not commit adultery'
thou shalt not commit adultery: Command not found.
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].
% If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.
% If I had a ) for every dollar Reagan spent, what would I have?
Too many )'s.
% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.
% ^How did the^sex change operation go?
Modifier failed.
% %blow
%blow: No such job.
% %Vice-President
%Vice-President: No such job.
% \(-
(-: Command not found.
% date me
You are not superuser: date not set
Thu Aug 25 15:52:30 PDT 1988
% make bottle.open
Make: Don't know how to make bottle.open. Stop.
% make 'heads or tails of all this'
Make: Don't know how to make heads or tails of all this. Stop.
% make light
Make: Don't know how to make light. Stop.
% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
% make mistake
Make: Don't know how to make mistake. Stop.
% make sense
Make: Don't know how to make sense. Stop.
% man rear
No manual entry for rear.
% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.
% ar m God
ar: God does not exist
% rm God
rm: God nonexistent
% rm -i God
rm: remove God? y
% ls God
God not found
% rm meese-ethics
rm: meese-ethics nonexistent
% * How would you describe George Bush
*: Ambiguous.
% ls Meese-Ethics
Meese-Ethics not found
% cp /dev/null sex;chmod 000 sex
% more sex
sex: Permission denied
% mv sex show
% strip show
strip: show: Permission denied
% set i="Democratic_Platform";mkdir $i;chmod 000 $i;ls $i
Democratic_Platform unreadable
% awk "Polly, the ship is sinking"
awk: syntax error near line 1
awk: bailing out near line
-----------------------------------------------------------------
% sh
$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!
$ drink matter
matter: cannot create
$ test my argument
test: too many arguments
$ "Amelia Earhart"
Amelia Earhart: not found
$ man -kisses dog
dog: nothing appropriate
$ mkdir "Yellow Pages";fiYellow Pages
$ mkdir matter;cat > matter
matter: cannot create
$ lost
lost: not found
$ found
found: not found
$ i=Hoffa ;>$i ;$i ;rm $i ;rm $i
Hoffa: cannot execute
rm: Hoffa nonexistent
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The following ones don't work on BSD 4.3, so I suppose
that they are stuff from ATT SysV or some other such:
% strip bra
bra: Cannot open
% sccs what bottle
can't open bottle (26)
$ cat "door: paws too slippery"
can't open door: paws too slippery
$ cat food_in_tin_cans
cat: can't open food_in_tin_cans
Whenever I sense someone looking over my shoulder I type in one of
the above. And, of course, I keep a file in my home directory called
README which contains the following line for snoopers:
cat: README: not found